Joker: new game, new theme, HA Ha ha

[Digress]

You are not the only one with PC troubles - my notebook is having some issues and I was relying on it to play whilst on my summer holiday (that begins tomorrow).

I hope to be able to resolve the problem before I head south but it may prove a largish barrier to me remaining a participant in the game.

I have (hopefully) revived C'tis somewhat - gem income has been improved somewhat and research refocussed (to allow the use of aforementioned gems).

I also spent a HUGE amount of gold and may have ordered Chinese takeaway in all the excitement.

[Tifone]

:shock:

Violation!

Atlantis, we had a NAP-3. What's this attack? I'm very surprised...

[Gregstrom]

Oh no, hundreds of abysians have been violated by tentacled creatures from the deeps!

[Digress]

I am afraid my computer problem is intractable - won't be able to get a turn in for a week.

Sorry guys ....

[Starshine_Monarch]

Tifone: That was completely not my fault. When somebody gets lost in time and space, they usually don't find their way back to the exact place they left... On the other hand it really says something about your PD if it can be beat by one silly human in a blue robe. I apologize for the trouble he caused, but if he can make it back underwater in one piece, I'll compensate you with a Dwarven Hammer free of charge.

Digress: If you like, we can look for a temporary sub for you while you're working on that. Maybe Santa will bring you a new computer for Christmas?

[Gregstrom]

Are we going to put off hosting to give Digress a chance to sort his computer out?

It's close enough to Christmas that an extended break wouldn't distress me - family visits etc. are looming close above me already.

[Tifone]

@ Starshine: Eheh, he was actually very lucky to mind hunt the only commander :D

We'll not attack him, I hope you'll be able to get him back. If you need to build a lab in our territory to teleport him back in the water, we'll refund you 50% of the lab when your mage is safe and we retake the province. Otherwise you can just try to make him fight his way (sea's not far) but as you know I can't reduce the PD...

-

I am for a delay for Digress too. After all the Xmas/Chanuka/winter solstice/everything else holidays are approaching so we could just wish best festivities/holidays each other and decide to meet again on Jan '09.
I'll be on holiday (unable to play) from 28 to 2 :)

[Ylvali]

I need a delay until monday.

[Starshine_Monarch]

I need a delay until monday.

Done

[Bwaha]

Here's a look a Crew Chief's humor:
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

P: = The problem logged by the pilot.
S: = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Some of these really crack me up..:lol

[Digress]

I am back - tanned and even more good looking than a week ago. Its amazing what sunshine, over eating and industrial quantities of alcohol can do to ones looks.

It looks like I haven't missed anything but I have neglected to work on my comedy routines. My neighbours will have to wait for me to attack to see said routines :)

[Tifone]

Going away and coming back on january 2nd!! Plz delay? :) Cya guys!! Best wishes for the new year! :cheers:

[Bwaha]

Heh, search goggle with this, case sensitive: "French military victory's" then follow the path. Its funny. :D

[Bwaha]

> If you can read the whole story without tears of laughter running
> down your cheeks then there's no hope for you.
>
> NOTE Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
> the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For
> those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
> They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes
> to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
> Astrodome.
>
> The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who
> was visiting Texas from the East Coast
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
> chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
> moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
> asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I
> was assured by the ot her two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
> wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
> free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
>
> Here are the scorecards from the event
>
> Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>
> Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You
> could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to
> put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
> crazy.
>
> Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> seriously.
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
> what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
> people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
> rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
>
> Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>
> Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
> Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
> feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
> by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on
> the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
> getting ****-faced from all of the beer.
>
> Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
>
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
> fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
> unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,
> the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-
> pound lady is starting to look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm
> eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
> Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
> Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
> and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind
> me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
> her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
> tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
> pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me
> off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
> rednecks.
>
> Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
> of spices and peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
> garlic. Superb.
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
> gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm
> worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
> stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I
> thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a
> snow cone.
>
> Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
> peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
> of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
> worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
> he is cursing uncontrollably.
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
> I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world
> sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
> chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
> lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
> they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its

> too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
> need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
> Chili #8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
> too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
> mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3
> passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
> himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how
> he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
>:D

[Tifone]

Lol, funny one. :p Makes me want to come in USA another time, taste this thing :D

[Mithras]

Hilarious

[Gregstrom]

Is it just me, or is the delay on this game getting a bit silly? We've been waiting for BL to submit a turn for 3 weeks now.

While I was more than happy to have a break over Christmas, we're definitely past the festive season now (the displays of Easter eggs in supermarkets bear mute witness to this). It's been 9 days since the last requested delay, which is surely enough time to get a turn seen to...

I'm feeling a little frustrated, as you might be able to tell. There have been a lot of postponements on this turn, without very much public explanation. Has Ylvali just disappeared off the face of the earth, or just from the forums? If the latter, I'd appreciate knowing what's going on, and if the former then I'd like to suggest posting for a sub rather than another series of unexpained delays.

[Starshine_Monarch]

I wanted to give him a little longer to send in his turn as I'm not sure what happened to him. If he stales this turn though, he has no more excuse and we'll look for a sub for him.

[Gregstrom]

So, it looks like T'ien Ch'i are a nation of forgers! We should have known anyone capable of thinking bits of paper are money would be untrustworthy.

[Ossa]

Unfortunatly forging items is tremendously less fun than it used to be if your mages dont have any path higher than 2.

Add to that the fact that I just drowned my empowered(+3) W6 mage by removing his amulet of breathing while he was underwater... I was just *not* paying attention.

[Tifone]

Can't you redo the turn from the start? =)

[Mithras]

Anyone interested in dispeling the forge should send astral pearls to me (anyone who thinks they can do it better than me post here for goodness sake) Since the hordes of Tien Chi are crushing my field armies I might as well go down biting.
NB in 4-5 turns sending pearls to me might be an unsafe investment (The ermorian gold piece is trading at 1000 for a bandar log makarta) So if you want this dispel cast then send them quick.

Atlantis, Tien Chi... this is your cue to start racheting up the beatings!

[Ossa]

Instead you could send the gems to me along with a receipe of what I should make of them. Free of charge.

Now that is a service, isnt it?

[rdonj]

Bandar Log was doomed, I set them AI and went on a summoning spree. You may now return to your regularly scheduled program.

[Mithras]

So no one wants the forge down? Fair enough, no skin off my back. We're getting crushed with or without the forge...

[Gregstrom]

The Bandar Mafia appear to have been taken over by a strange intelligence from the Outer Void. Machakan scouts report that instead of the normal Bander vocabulary of up to 30 words, they are now down to just 'ook' and 'eek'. Sentence length is invariably 8 words among the Marketa, 16 words among Vanara and Bandar, and an unwieldy 32 words among the White Ones. Yaksha and their relatives communicate in strange whistling and graunching noises, but cannot begin conversation without shaking hands first.

The Machakan high command is not sure what all this signifies, and all our translation sorcerers can make from the battle chants of the monkey hordes is something about 'adding our individuality to the collective'.

[Mithras]

The sages of ermor have decided it is better to die in bed choking on phlegm than on the battlefield.
If they have antagonised anyone who wasn't already at war with them then good. Ermor hopes it will be remembered when two years when those clever priests and mages throwing up all over the place, this was a much better use of astral pearls than dispelling Tein chi's global :D
Oh and I'm not gone yet I vow to play at a level just below that of the AI until I am truly defeated... perhaps I'll find another way to annoy everyone...

[Gregstrom]

The strange monkey zombie disease is spreading rapidly. Who would have thought monkey bites would be so dangerous? The entirety of Abysia now suffers from the problem.

[Tifone]

Actually Abysia's enlightened religious government has been overthrown by the Aristocratic Insurrection (A.I.) which has now taken control. Of course they care only for honours money and all those material and superficial things so their battlefield tactics will suck - have fun with our territories :D

Jokes aside, thanks for the beautiful game and the laughs guys. I've learned and enjoyed a lot. Let me know who wins this!! :cool:

[Gregstrom]

I'll say this for the AI - it's very brave. Flamegasm's prophet stood bravely while his army fled around him, and took on an undead monstrosity toe to toe - briefly. Flamegasm itself was last seen shouting "10101010111100001010101000101010!" and engaging in a headbutting contest with a large rock. Brave for certain, intelligent... perhaps not.

[Incabulos]

I'll say this for the AI - it's very brave. Flamegasm's prophet stood bravely while his army fled around him, and took on an undead monstrosity toe to toe - briefly. Flamegasm itself was last seen shouting "10101010111100001010101000101010!" and engaging in a headbutting contest with a large rock. Brave for certain, intelligent... perhaps not.


Hah was hoping for a hidden binary message but no such luck.. Although at second glance it looks like some sort of winged insect... perhaps there is more to this than meets the eye.

ªðª*

[Mithras]

Does anyone else thin Tien Chi is getting a little too powerful? Not that I care, I'm down to two provinces and my little bag of tricks is running down somewhat, and when I say this keep in mind that it wasn't up to much to start with.

So this is just to say, I'm only one mildy annoying trick away from going kapput. And you guys should really think about getting your act together agaisnt the guy with (I assume) all the artifacts and arcane nexus... just a suggestion, the first person to declare their enmity to Tien Chi gets a small cache of gems and a few rather naff magic items! Just looking to make the game more interesting.

[Tifone]

BTW T'ien Ch'i, how did the equipped demonbred I sent to your province with the temple in my last turn do? Did he manage to kill someone at least? I don't think he was able to get the province by himself, but as I didn't have the chance to see how he did, I'm curious :smirk:

[Ossa]

Ahem... I did not notice something abnormal-I'm loosing a few provinces to atlantis' SCs at the moment.

Other than that everythings fine;)

Actually... its a lot better than in every single other MP game I played.

[Ossa]

Shall we roll back to the previous turn?

Who is admin right now btw?

[Gregstrom]

I don't know - not me, that's for sure.

I'm in favour of a rollback too.

[Gregstrom]

C'tis appears to be staling out, which is a bit of a pain.

[Ossa]

That is definitly a pity - maybe we should search for a replacement?

Btw, Gregstorm, that was not nice. And I'm kind of pissed about the dozillians of scouts.

Maybe I need to send some *cough* scouts too;)

[Digress]

Hi everyone - staling has been something of an issue. Especially sucks when you spend ages prepping things (defensively - all defense in the lands of C'tis) and then stale, again, and again and again.

My apologies. If we could stretch hosting times out a touch I might do a little better - any suggestions as to how C'tis can compete with the two big boys would be gratefully received.

Sorry for the repeated stales.

[Gregstrom]

Hmm - I thought C'tis was one of the two big boys. You've had the edge on me in provinces, forts, research, income, dominion and army for pretty much the whole game.

Ossa, 3 scouts is hardly a dozillion. I was a little surprised that my attempt to steal the Nexus went off successfully, but to my mind the alternative to trying to take it off you was basically 'lube up and bend over'.

[Ossa]

Greg - what do you think - should I redo my orders?

At the moment I'm doing an all-out attack on you in retalation. I just felt angered by loosing my nexus and being first in allmost all graphs discontend breeds aggression:/

Should we go for the final war or spend more time building up?

I actually like this game immensely, I dont wanna end it now.

Who's admin btw? I'd extend hosting time if Ctis has more of a chance to continue then!

[Gregstrom]

Well, if C'tis can't continue then I'll very likely lose any final war without really doing you much damage. You had the Nexus for ages, and that adds up to a lot of Wishing.

[Ossa]

good - then I'll rdo my orders and wont attack. But I'll try to get my nexus up again;)

ANd we need to find out what our admin password is to allow Ctis to continue

[Digress]

My apologies for the continued staling - I get the turn largely done and fail to get the damn thing in. Have two sick children keeping life "interesting" on the home front at present.

Will get the next turn in and then will head off on holiday for a couple of days. If you guys want to find a permanent sub, temp. sub or delay hosting for a while a would happy.

All the stales have hurt C'tis rather horribly - the excellence of Marshmasters can't cover for everything, nor can a criminal lack of forge activity.

[Gregstrom]

Whereas of course Machaka hasn't been horribly hurt by anything other than seraphs, Pazuzu, Air Queens, invading armies...

Ah well :)

[Digress]

Well my staling hasn't helped Machaka very much - having dealt C'tis out of the game.

[Gregstrom]

Well, never mind eh? Emerging triumphantly from a haze of staling would be pretty good about now.

[Mithras]

My computers gone a bit funny. If I have time I'll turn myself AI. If not then its up to you wether to leave me to stale or turn me AI if you don't want me to slow your turns down. Its been a good game, and I'm sorry to leave, I enjoyed the last, last last, stands :D

[Digress]

I need a 72 hour delay in hosting. Will be away for a couple of days. Will try and get current turn in but will need a delay after that point. I will try to chase down an ex-admin with the password to make the magic happen but can't guarantee that I will be able to do so. I am at work finishing something off at the moment and then have to go home and pack the car for an AM start.

cheers.

[Gregstrom]

Good luck finding an admin. I don't know who the admin is currently...

Nice Well, by the way.

[Gregstrom]

I think that this game is on its way out. C'tis are staling out again, and while I'm having great fun reassigning some of TC's legions of Seraphs I don't think it'll save me in the long term.

[Gregstrom]

Right... I asked llamabeast, and there was no admin for this game any more. I'll take up the reins of admin - I've done it on a few other games, so I know roughly how to go about it.

If there's no opposition, I'll bump the turn time to 72 hours. It's turn 92, and 48 hours seems rather too fast. Also, it might help Digress on the time limitations front.

[Digress]

Thanks Gregstrom,

I seem to be cursed in this game - spend ages doing turns and then managing to stale. I haven't meant to be quite so hopeless of late - the other games I am playing are going along swimmingly but setting up the armies of thugs C'tis needs is a little time consuming as is scripting them is even more fun.

The extension will help.

digress

[Gregstrom]

Excellent stuff. If you need any more time or want 96 hour turns at some point, post or pm me.

[Digress]

Need more time for this turn - my notebook is having some indigestion with the .trn file.

24 hours would be lovely.

[Gregstrom]

Err... sorry, but I missed your PM until it was too late.

And Ossa (TC) seems to have turned AI. Which is a bit of a bummer, unless he was in far worse shape than he appeared to be. I'd eaten a shocking number of his Seraphs, to be fair, but...

Anyway, I'm more than happy to roll back but I'm not sure there's much point in doing so now.

[Digress]

I had put but a scratch in the stock of TC SCs - but still don't have any SCs of my own.

Your having the nexus up for a while coupled with my hideous gem burning habits of late would suggest that you spider folk must have a truly silly number of gems floating around with which to blast my average hit point, largely unprotected, mages with fires from the skies until the cows come home.

With TC being AI the life expectancy of any of their remaining Seraphs is likely to be short ... what do you want to do ?

Ohhh ... and I will stop rambling now and wander off to find another glass of red.

Cheers.

[Gregstrom]

Well, I do have rather a lot of SCs lying around now (my Tarts and TC's Seraphs), and being Machaka I have some acceptably large Fetish farms lying around. And clams, natch. It's how I put up my rather excessively hefty Nexus.

It's a real shame that Ossa went to AI. If we'd defeated him (which I guess might have been a little easier than I had been thinking, or he wouldn't have gone AI), there would have been a pretty tough fight between us for the military victory.

As things now stand, though, it feels like a bit of an anticlimax.

If you really don't have any SCs yet, then I could do you real harm before you caught up - possibly fatal harm. The AN, wishes and so on seem to be standing in my favour.

[Gregstrom]

I've postponed the turn while we work out what to do next. I'm quite tempted to call the game - then we could do a rollback and see what was up with TC's position.

[Digress]

I am happy enough to call the game. My strategy, such as it was, required that you and TC completely cripple each other whilst completely forgetting my existence.

[Gregstrom]

Funny - that was my plan too. Only thing was, TC wanted to gun for me first after I took away their overwhelming gem advantage.

Shall I roll back so we can see what TC were suffering from?

As to the game winner...

I'd like to claim the military victory on this one, as I seem to be in a pretty good position right now.

However, IIRC the overall game winner is chosen by the quality of humour they've produced in the thread (and in-game). I'm not sure how to do that... maybe contact all those who've played in the game and organise a vote?

Edit: According to OP, there should be a vote. I'll send a PM to Bwaha, and see if he can put one in the first post.

Edit Edit: You're posting from Sydney at this time of day?

[Bwaha]

Gregstrom I don't know how to set up a poll.

My vote is for Tifone... :D

[Mithras]

Has to be Bwaha.

[Gregstrom]

I'll put my vote in for Tifone.

I've looked at TC's last turn now - while they're not in a dreadful position, it really wasn't looking great for them. They had the land and a phenomenal number of temples, but they were noticeably down on SCs and without any healing I'm not sure they could put enough new tarts into action.

[Ossa]

I'd concede the military victory to Greg - he stole my SCs and set up an astral nexus with... I dont know... how many hundreds of gems? I tried to dispell it with 400 if I remember correctly. It failed:/

I should have attacked you on the first instance you stole the enchantment, maybe back than I would have had a chance.

Ermor held my main forces at bay for so long... actually I vote for Ermor as the final winner in this game.

Having only one province and still hanging on is just such a great feat;)

[Gregstrom]

The AN had something on the order of 850 pearls in it - I'd been saving up for quite a few turns, and alchemised over 300 each of Fire and Earth and maybe 100 of each other type.

Attacking me then would have given you a better chance - while I'd been saving up I wasn't forging or casting very much at all, as I didn't want to give you any more gems than I had to. I had to do some very fast equipping and wishing for gems to get back in the race.

It's the first time I've had an AN in MP, and they really are horrifyingly powerful. Generally I got about 120-150 pearls each turn, with more on special occasions like when C'tis put up their huge Well of Misery.

[Tifone]

Thanks guys, but I feel too guilty, my unbelievable charge of rl work has put me aside from the whole game and wasn't able to partecipate after machaka kicking (with 8 legs, so ouch) my very hot butt.

My vote is for Gregstorm, the whole Bandar thing in the beginning was really hilarious ^^

[Gregstrom]

I enjoyed writing that :)

Actually, I re-read the thread a day or so back and really enjoyed the experience. There's a lot of funny stuff in there.

I guess in order to formally declare an end to the game we'll have to close voting in, what, a couple of days?

After that... how's about starting up Joker 3?

[Bwaha]

I could be convinced to do this again. But I rarely come back here. I spend my time cracking jokes elsewhere. I do love humor. And I hang out at a forum that embraces both military history and humor. Pm me if you form a new game. I'm in. :D

[Gregstrom]

I guess I could put up an AAR.

Lemme see...

I started expanding with (IIRC) blessed Black Hunters, for the most part. The bless was D9, because it's generally a bit funky and it's cheap with a PoD pretender. This worked surprisingly well, as even small squads of Hunters can splat many indies. I could even bundle a few archers with each conquest squad for extra power.

I soon found my empire was in a naturally defensible region, with choke points every which way. Sadly, this also limited expansion beyond those borders (especially since there was another nation bordering every choke point).

Being stuck in a (thankfully very tough) defensive posture, I set about turtling and punting up my research levels. I was getting along well with Abysia who were to my north (and south too, as I was soon to find). Bandar Log were to the east, near my capital, but I had good control over the choke points there. To the west, there was Ermor, and I could live with that - hordes of undead don't like magma and massive firestorms any more than anyone else does.

All progressed well until BL randomly decided to go to war with me. Well, I say randomly, but they only had two choices for expansion really. The other choice was TC, and they were a lot bigger and scarier than I was on the graphs.

Problem was, this turned into a big and expensive stalemate. BL couldn't invade me because whenever an army of theirs entered one of my choke points it would catch fire and/or drown under a tidal wave of magma. I couldn't invade them because they had a SC Ghost King with full immunities and a big list of buffs, and I didn't have something that could effectively counter it within their dominion.

This would have been fine - I was researching up, and had found site mages that covered up my worst weaknesses. Hiring the A2 merc mage for site searching found me a castle full of illusionists, a bit of Water found me Azure Mages, and Adepts of Pyriphlegethon were a less useful addition (except for the F1 mages who were worthwhile researchers at 60g each). The Couatl mercenary had even turned up just when I researched Con 8, which let me get the Chalice unexpectedly. After that, he was a good way to forge boosters for my Lizard Shamen, who were my only source of Astral in the game.

So, in the middle of my interminable and costly stalemate with BL, Abysia (previously good trading partners) suddenly go nuts and decide to go to war with me. This is awkward - I'm just putting together the sort of thugs who can take out BL's SC and suddenly I have a second and third front opening up. This triggers a mass redeployment of mages from my capital in Phophtasia to a handy fort in Dragon Ridge, a little further to the north.

I set up a bunch of troops and a well-equipped Giant Mummy (yeah, Hunter Lords turn into Giant Mummies - I blame it on very creative needlework by the women of Machaka), and pitch them into Abysia's armies. They might have worked, but Aby has ungodly numbers of Demon Knights. Still, the thing about mummies is you can generally rebuild them and they're no worse off the second time around.

Suitably chastened, I set up for the following rounds of engagement and swamp big chunks of Abysian army in lakes of magma. Quite why this works against beings who are made of magma themselves, I'm not sure... but I'm grateful all right. The Demon Knights buy it in swathes too, but I've lost territory.

At this point, my Tarts start to come online. I'm not doing brilliantly for D income, and I spend many turns hovering about the zero level in Death gems and whimpering gently to myself. However, I have the Chalice and Tarts, so I can put out a decent number of SCs.

While this is all going on, BL goes AI (presumably it had emptied most of its capabilities into me to little effect) and TC, who have grown into a bloated monster with noone paying enough attention to them, promptly start eating monkey territory like it's going out of fashion. I still have that damnable Ghost King SC in the way of my armies and an ongoing war with the magma men on my north and south borders, so I can't do much to stop it.

Ermor are suffering a serious invasion around this point, and decide to put up a Burden of Time. This would be very unpleasant for me, except that I have a small yellow cup in my labs. Soon all my Black Sorcerers are clustered round it sipping frantically at the contents while occasionally giving a few drops to the nearby Tartarians. I don't know about C'tis, but TC seem to suffer very badly from EMS (Elderly Mage Syndrome) at this point - their research graph goes all squiggly.

On the plus side, Abysia are about beaten and they turn AI too. I can get a few territories somewhere. I'm even churning out clams at a fair old rate. On the minus, a new period of peace is starting and... oh look. T'ien Ch'i has the Arcane Nexus. Well that's just dandy, isn't it?

So... I start on a period of enforced fasting. I keep summoning and GoRing Tarts, and I keep clamming as well, but that's pretty much it. Oh, and my nice Chalice gets stole. There is a wailing and a gnashing of teeth. TC are busy putting up more and more globals instead of making war, which I can just about live with. So, I put up the Pyre for the extra F income, and churn out Fetishes and Blood Stones (many thanks to Abysia for the blood slaves that let me start on that path - even if they did go AI owing me a bunch of F gems) as well as the aforementioned clams.

All goes well, until I break out the thousand-plus gems I've saved up, alchemise like crazy and put up an awesome level of Nexus. The empowered Lizard Shaman who did the casting promptly wishes for Power, so he can't get wiped out by stray artillery magic. I then frantically wish for gems to recoup everything I'd put into the Nexus. Overwriting other globals isn't so tough after that, which is nice.

Then, having dealt insult after insult to TC, I drop in the straw that breaks the camel's back. I wish for the Chalice they stole from me some time earlier, and for some reason this is what they choose to go to war over.

It starts off badly, with squads of Seraphs appearing all over the place, Tartarians rampaging over the hills and big armies of cavalry besieging me.

However, I spot some slight flaws in the kitting of the various SC squads and set out with some tailored hit squads of my own. I lose a couple of forts, but I gain a couple of Seraphs and kill a few more. I can Earth Attack with quite a few of my Black Sorcerers by this time, which helps against sieges. So I settle in and start breaking siege forces with SCs while trying to build armies. This is made a little more difficult by the fact that I have a negative income at this point, thanks to TC's early gains. However, a massive gem income can be handily leveraged into armies of summons if you need it to. I already have a load of Green Lions (Sorceresses, don't'cha just love'em?), which deal a very unpleasant and extremely terminal surprise to the Tartarians besieging one particular fortress and then move on to relieve sieges elsewhere. By the end of the game I have ~150 of these lovelies in various parts of the map.

When I can afford it, I also create Summer Lions, Mechanical Men and Banefire Archers for invasion forces. These take quite heavy losses, but there always more where those came from.

Towards the end I started doing things like using Wish to selectively kidnap uniques I thought should be working for me. I'd already been using it to take key unique items off certain enemy SCs - it's a trick that can occasionally upset a carefully thought out battle plan.

I'd have been wishing more near the end, but I wanted to have enough gems to reestablish a Nexus if anyone dispelled/stole it from me. I had a bit over 450 Astral in reserve, and nearly 100 coming in per turn after Wishing. I was setting up to hit TC's capital with 5 Flames from the Sky, a Murdering Winter or maybe two, and perhaps a few Crumbles on top, to see if I could nail their last global and a few Celestial Masters. Heck, just the Flames should have hurt a bit as I had a Shroud on each of the casters.

[Gregstrom]

Okay, it looks like we've had all the votes we're going to get. Therefore (drum roll...)

Tifone wins!!

Many congratulations Tifone, and thanks everyone for a great game. It's made me laugh more than any other I've played.

[Tifone]

It's a me? It's a me!

Thanks ya all, noble funny brothers... While not the military winner (not even close to :rolleyes: ), I'm proud of having made you laugh a tiny little bit :smirk:

It's really been a great game, and I've to thank again all of you but expecially Bwaha who set up all this and made me have a lot of fun too. :D

As a side note, my attack to machaka was b'cuz I had spent tens of turns without delivering a single blow, and was running out of good material for jokes ^^ I've also been the last one in the graph for the whole game, so being able to kick the asses of some of his SCs and batteries of mages was a great fun indeed :cool:

So, what's else to say? Let's have party!!

Bwaha :beer:
Ossa :beer:
Gregstorm :beer:
Starshine :beer:
Mithras :beer:
Ylvali :beer:
Crust :beer:
Digress :beer:
Me :beer::beer::beer::beer::beer::beer::beer::beer:

:cheers:

[Gregstrom]

np Tif, it was a pleasure to fight you.