[HoneyBadger]

Ladies and gentlemen, as your commanding officer, let me reassure you that their will be certain changes around here. I use the term "reassure" because it is apparent to me, as it may or may not have become apparent to you in the course of your lives, duties, and idle personal philosophical contemplations, that life consists of, and is only, change. Change, which is the only constant in the constant, varietous cycle of alteration, consideration, dissemination, and decision, of and upon the facts of any given reality you may find yourself within.

Let me further reassure you that the reality you have currently found yourself floating around in, like the happy little sparks of divine light that you are, does in fact belong to me. Allow me expand upon my possession of the substance of All That Is, Was, and Ever Shall Be-In the essence of every molecule of air, physical law of the universe, gravitational wave, string-dimension. From every element of matter to every coil of DNA-yes, everything from your life-giving gonads to your fragile little teacups, from the dirt on your boots to the evil thoughts in your heads, to the hell that awaits, looming before you for thinking such blasphemies, closer with every passing minute you stand within my presence-has my name, and only my name, tattoo'ed on it in blocky, immutable, insoluble letters, prefaced in all cases by the abbrevation 'Maj. Gen.' Should I at some point achieve some higher rank-God perhaps, or Maj. God.-then this will be updated apace-and thorough-and you will be informed.

This singular reality that you have the special sort of karmic luck reserved only for the holiest of men and women, and for soldiers such as yourselves, to have found yourself within, shall be run as any respectable reality should be-on a divine timetable, which allows for mistakes, idleness, or whimsy, with precisely the same tolerance given by the very sun blazing over our heads, were the person or persons so willing to refute the laws of reality itself, to find themselves crashing into it at high velocity. Gentlemen, ladies-consider me that sun-for I am, from this point forward, the source of all meaningful life as you know it. More than your father, more than your mother, more than the passions of faith that beat in your breasts for the mysteries that confront you and confound you, I am henceforth your salvation-should you respect my orders enough to carry them out, and your distruction-should you fail to abide by the laws of my Universe.

You are-other than from my all-seeing, all-knowing eyes-dismissed.