Your Empire Is Going To War When:

[Atrocities]

1. You have nothing better to do and you have a lot of ships.
2. You receive this message: "Your ambassador made a most tasty snack."
3. Your brother was the ambassador.
4. While on a routine exploratory expedition, your ships are attacked without warning when you open your gun ports and target the newly discovered alien space ship heading your way.
5. You say we "Come in Peace." then forget to turn off the COM channel, and then say, "those idiots won't know what hit them. Arm the weapons."
6. Your gift to the leader of EEE explodes killing his family.
7. The gift you receive from the Xiati explode killing your family.
8. You just became a mega evil empire.
9. Your new colony planet is glassed into oblivion on Christmas day by the Rage.
10. Your communication minister gets drunk and "as a joke" sends a declaration of war to the Phong, then Ted Kennedy tried to drive him home.

(edit: spelling errors)

[ironman]

11. When your a born Redneck /threads/images/Graemlins/icon19.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

When you insult people with 500% more weapons that you. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

[Atrocities]

narf poit chez BOOM said:
When you insult people with 500% more weapons that you. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif


12. http://www.shrapnelcommunity.com/threads/uploads/344576-Copywecomeinpeace2.PNG If you look up and see this.

[Escaflowne]

13. The race you just discovered defile your religions holy places.
14. An other empire claims your religious talisman is "A curious looking toy."
15. You ally with the two strongest factions and get them to waste their time and attention on each other, allowing you to send fleets into all of their systems and cripple them both in one turn.
16. Another races chemical emissions are threatening your homeworld's environment.
17. You have been deposed in a coup and the government upsurped by the military.
18. You require more 'labensruam' (living room).
19. The other race is so ugly you kill them to preserve your sanity.
20. The other race is so stupid it's not war, it's 'clorinating the gene pool'.
21. Public opinion demands it.
22. They insult your ancestors, honor demands it.
23. You have a 'Manifest Destiny'.

[Atrocities]

Good ones. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

[Starhawk]

24. Your Icaran and you just met a Xeno (read my story to understand), afterall they aren't human are they? and humans should rule the galaxy.

25. Your Icaran and you just met someone weaker then you and you have to fulfill your duty of Protecting other humans since obviously their military couldn't or you wouldn't have been able to destroy them.

26. The alien ambassador eats your mother

27. Your father eats the alien ambassador

28. Your first contact with an alien race led to you anal probing one of their "hicks".

29. You find out the other race has anal probes and decide it's so gross that you just have to kill them.

30. The alien race' leader is your ex-girlfriend and when her fleet attacks one of your planets you send a message asking why she did it and she replies "Ohh I think you know why."

31. You have an ex-girlfriend who is the ruler of an alien race.

[Nodachi]

32. Your empire is fictious but features prominently in a scifi movie.

[Captain Kwok]

33. The sum of all your ships, resources, colonies, and other factors like your research capacity has exceeded 500,000 - while the sum of the next largest race in your galaxy is 1.7 times less or 2.5 times if your empire is controlled by a retarded AI computer.

[Gozra]

34. As soon as you think you are big enough for your britiches= (pants, troUsers, adult clothing). (which turns out usally your not and you get hammered)

35.You know you have a decisive advantage. Which turns out you never had one in the first place.

36. In the 7th month 3rd day when the toad farts and the howling dog is silent when the Star Poggy is ascendant over the second moon and the Empress says it's ok.

37.When the B--tard other guy has deliberatly killed the 4th colony ship you sent into one of his claimed systems.(irony)

38. it's turn 72

[Starhawk]

39. You call your mommy on the phone and she tells you not to take that %&^# from some %*^$ing no good ($*#sucking aliens and says you should go to war with them.

40. Your Empire name is "The Galactic Empire" and you've just met a group called "Rebel Alliance"

41. Yur un Ork

42. Yur un Ork

43. You just met an ork and hate that they mentioned themselves twice.

44. Your people are getting restless so you draft a few thousand figuring if they die you don't have to deal with their whining anymore.

45. Your dearest closest ally blows up a star system with 150 of your warships and 8 regiments of your troops in it in order to destroy 30 enemy ships and a few colonies.

[Cheeze]

46. The first message you receive from a alien race is "How are you gentlemen!!! All your base are belong to us!!"

[AgentZero]

47. You have a larger navy than your nearest neighbour.
48. You have a smaller navy than your nearest neighbour.

[brianeyci]

49. You forget to turn on "AI should make no changes to Empire during Simultaneous Games" under Empire options, or you forgot to select "None" AI when creating your race.

[Thermodyne]

50) You get tired of waiting for the larger stronger empires to get around to dealing with your small geographically challenged empire. So you send your fleet to bite them on the ankle.

[Atrocities]

51. You nearest neighbor accidently analyeses his entire battle fleet.

[spoon]

Atrocities said:
51. You nearest neighbor accidently analyeses his entire battle fleet.


Nobody would be that stupid... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif

[Atrocities]

52. When someone says to you in response to #51. "Nobody would be that stupid." - but you know you are.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

53. You realise you're in a book...And the writer is David Drake.

54. Even worse - The co-writer is S.M. Stirling.

(Personally, I think if any of their poor characters ever met them...Well, it wouldn't be pretty.)

[Atrocities]

55. Your death ray has been successfully tested
56. Your death ray has been successfully tested on your neighbors most populated planet.
57. You just placed a "We Come In Peace" bumper sticker on all of your warships.
58. You have nothing better to do.
59. God told you that you are God.
60. You want to get away from the wife for a while.

[Escaflowne]

61. Scientific accident kills millions, damages the environment, and destroys critical infrastructure. You blame your new neighbors.

[Thermodyne]

Thermodyne said:
50) You get tired of waiting for the larger stronger empires to get around to dealing with your small geographically challenged empire. So you send your fleet to bite them on the ankle.



Umm.......... (bite them on the ankle) should read "kill two fleets, glass many planets and ruin a ring world construction project."

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

RING world? Ruin a SPHERE world construction project! Even more economic disruption!

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Xi-Chung start jumping at your ships from within storms.

[TurinTurambar]

StrategiaInUltima said:
Xi-Chung start jumping at your ships from within storms.



62.

[General Woundwort]

63. You make contact with an alien ship, activate the universal translator - and suddenly remember, with that unmistakable sinking feeling, that it was made by the lowest bidder.

[TurinTurambar]

64. Youre sitting at your computer with 3 and a half empty beer bottles, your wife is commenting on TV programs from the other side of the house at the top of her lungs cuz she thinks you should be in there with her (the passive-aggressive little wench...), your most powerful enemy has a score 300% of yours and 2 partnerships, and your side of the galaxy is completely AI-controlled except yourself cuz everyone else just friggin quit one at a time over the last month.... So... what the hell, right?

[Atrocities]

65. Your passive-aggressive little wench decides that your addiction to doomed PBW games needs adjusting and deletes your hard drive after you've downed your sixth beer and passed out at the key board.

[Atrocities]

66. If your out target shooting asteroids with your shiny new Glock Rail Gun and accidently shoot a Phong diplomatic envoy ship with the Son of the Phong Empire on board thus destroying it.

[Renegade 13]

67. When the son of your emperor runs away with the daughter of the leader of the enemy empire, taking her to your empire. Troy anyone?

[RudyHuxtable]

68. You click the mouse over the "OK" when you wish to engage enemy ships.

69. There is NO 69.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

70. You are in a game with Growltigger, Woundwort, Deathstar, AgentZero, Angel, Puke and Renegade, and you send a message to everyone saying "Bar and Grills Totally Suck!"

[RudyHuxtable]

oooof. I like 70.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

70b. You are in a game against RudyHuxtable, NullAshton and myself and you say "Take-Out Huts Really Suck!"

[NullAshton]

71. You get a message claiming that your homesystem is their hunting grounds.
72. You decide to test out your shiny new star destroyer. Unluckily for you, they decided to move in a whole bunch of ships in that sector right before your people press the Big Red Button.
73. You accidentally hit the Big Red Button.
74. You accidentally hit the enemies Big Red Button, and this button isn't like the first one.
75. You're in a 1 vs 1 human game, and you say hi to the other person.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

76. In an ASTM game, you're playing as Federation, and suddenly you see that everyone else in the galaxy are AI Hirogen.....

[NullAshton]

77. You meet the Borg.

[El_Phil]

78. You get concerned that your guns may be rusting from disuse.

[Caduceus]

79. You find out another human player is dating your sister in RL.

[NullAshton]

80. You're itching to try out your new worldship.

[Starhawk]

81. You find out that itching is actually a horrible rash caused by your neighbors skin sheddings.

82. You think your neighbors would make the cutest.....uh wall mounted head.

83. That brand new super dreadnought of yours "accidentally" tested it's weapons an inhabited planet, then "accidentally" did it two more times to be sure.

84. You ran over the alien head of state's wife with your hover car, then backed over her and panicked and rolled foward again, and backed up again in panick of course, then rolled foward again.......

85. Your Icaran

86. You've had one too many budlights and you could have been sure that AI said "Hey lardass, yeah I'm talkin to you!"

87. The other race keeps sending messages ending in"Yo Mama", after you nuke his world you find out that his ruler's name just happened to be "Yomama" ooops.

88. When you send your ambassador and his "escort squadron" to the Galactic UN summit world, and ooops who brought that tectonic bomb along!?

89. Your in an elevator with the head of the most powerful empire in the galaxy, you cut one and promptly turn around and go "I know that wasn't human!"

90. At the press conference following your elevator incident you start your opening statement with "Man have you ever guys smelt a Fazra Fart!"

[Atrocities]

91. Your weapons officer says "Wooops!" just as that alien ship explodes.
92. Your policy is: "Shoot first apologize later."
93. You cheated at a game of interstellor poker and the guy with the big bad *** warships wants his money back.
94. The last time you had sex, was with the mate of the EEE Emperor during some diplomatic function on their homeworld.
95. You know those funny looking things your people have been hunting on that world at the edge of your space? What if I told you they weren't animals, they were the children of some alien bad *** race on a field trip! - ooops.
96. If you have ever asked yourself; "Hum, what does this little red button do?" Only to push it and see a bright flash in the distant sky.

[El_Phil]

97. Your chief diplomat has a bad case of Tourette's
98. Your on a diplomatic mission to an alien homeworld, sign a treaty then one of your super dreadnoughts gives a 21 gun salute to celebrate and gets the range slightly wrong glassing the planet below.
99. You decide to save on power costs by capturing EEE in small cages and using them like AA batteries.

[Starhawk]

100. You meet a Phong diplomat and hand him a thong (giggles ensue)....he doesn't have a sense of humor.

101. You've been referring to the Cue Cappa all these years as "Them dang purple bug eyed critters."
101a. You've been referring to them as "Mighty Fine eatin'"

102. You know that big ice world you destroyed just for sh## and giggles because who cares it was uninhabited anyway......yeah.....about that.

103. YOur flagship is the LEXX (anyone who's seen the series knows exactly what I mean).

104. You visit a methane breather's homeworld and begin your public address with "Man it wasn't me! and begin immature histarical laughs.

105. You give a Xi'Chung ambassador a "Terminex" gift card as a present.

106. Your alien intern accidentally spills coffee on your lap so you fire him.....out of a cannon....into the sun.

107. For april fools you send a fleet to your ally's homeworld threatening to destroy him.....then you start thinking "Well I'm already here anyway."

[Atrocities]

Starhawk your on a role so I award you with this:
Click Attachment to see.

[Starhawk]

WOOHOOO sweet http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif
Thanks AT!

Yeah for my first one I was going to post:
"When you meet a Phong ambassador you order your band to play the thong song." But I don't know if anyone here would remember that so http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

[Atrocities]

108. You have ever eaten another races diplomat.
109. Another races has ever eaten your diplomat
110. Your enemies moto is "Look Who's Coming To Dinner."

[Starhawk]

110: If your first words to an alien race is "Where's the Head?"
110a: If your first words are "Damn you got got hit with the ugly tree!"

111. You wear a shirt saying "Proud member of PETA"
If PETA stands for "PEOPLE EATING TASTY ALIENS."

112. You were invited to the Jerry Springer show by the Xiati president and it has something to do with your daughter....

(Fixed count)

[kerensky]

By starhawk
Your Icaran

Good one. You could also say if your the Qwevlan or the Corim... (as eyt unreleased stories) http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

[NullAshton]

113. You notice that several ships are moving to your suns...
114. You're moving several ships to the alien's suns...
115. You trade for a star destroyer, that that person oddly had sitting on his own sun...

(fixed count)

[Nex_Empire]

116. You have a fleet of dreadnoughts and see a defenceless enemy colony ship
117. Somehow your fleet is destroyed by that single colony ship

[NullAshton]

On a PBW game, we once had a colony ship vs colony ship battle. Neither had weapons, and both had 'Don't get hurt' strategy. My ship killed the other ship O.o Don't ask me how.

[Nex_Empire]

NullAshton said:
On a PBW game, we once had a colony ship vs colony ship battle. Neither had weapons, and both had 'Don't get hurt' strategy. My ship killed the other ship O.o Don't ask me how.


lol your colony ship had some extra people so it launched them out of the ship and lucky it hit the enemy engines making a big explosion http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif

[NullAshton]

Haha...

118. You find out that another person in a game made the beta, and you didn't.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

119. You always throw your glasses against the walls after serving one drink in them. Your manufacturing corps cannot keep up so they decide to create new glass "wholesale".....
120. If the other race makes a really tasty dish when combined with extract from another race.....
121. You are colorblind, and you encounter a Nultoh. "Man I thought you guys were supposed to have color in their eyes!"
122. If you use either "Alice" or "Eliza" to reply to messages.....

[NullAshton]

123. You send your mother-in-law as a diplomat.

[Nex_Empire]

124. you make around 1000 escort ships with the latest tech and see if the ai loses

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

125. You make around 1000 Baseships with latest tech and see if the AI loses.

[NullAshton]

126. You're in a game with about 10 n00b's, and they decide it'll be funny if they all had a big war in your homesystem.