Advise

[mlmbd]

********************WARNING********************

BOLD, ALL CAPS and UNDERLINING will be used here!

ATTENTION, ATTENTION, ATTENTION

Advice to those unlucky at love, the loveless, the love unhappy, the love lorn, and/or dating advise thread is now open to all:

Don't have ANY problems. Then share your advise with those less fortunate than yourself!!

mlmbd http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[Dead Meat]

I will help you and tell you all I have learned.

First you must read this theory (http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html) to understand what it is to love someone.

Second, you much take this test (http://www.annexftp.com/~xbreed/funny/quizzzz.htm)

And Last as someone who's family came from Ireland, remeber this saysing: Sheep make for good loving.

[Kamog]

Cool! The mlmbd http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif advice thread!! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Dead Meat: I found that the ladder theory is rather cynical, but probably accurate! I took the test and alas, the results weren't that encouraging, to say the least. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Anyway...

Dear mlmbd http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif ,

What's the best way to make a good first impression with a girl?
Where is a good place to go on a first date?

[Skulky]

The ladder theory is my new god, and, after an introspective look into my social life, past present and future. well maybe not future. It is totally true to the letter.

And the test, well it had my hopes up to say the least.

[Kamog]

Dear mlmbd http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif ,

How do you answer this question? A girl asks you, "Do you notice anything different about me today?" You look at her, and you don't notice anything at all that's different from usual. She probably did something with her hair or got new shoelaces or something, but if you guess wrong, you're in big trouble! If you say you don't know, you're in big trouble! What do you do?

[mlmbd]

Dead Meat, so this is ALL you have learned?

Kamog, I thought it was kinda cool myself. As to your question. First impressions are very important. You can be an ADONIS, but if you are not all together you are most likely sunk. First, don't try to be something or someone you're not. If you feel more comfortable in jeans, wear them not some designer slacks. If you really want to try and have some kind of long term relationship with this person, take them a token of your feelings (i.e., A FLOWER (a bunch of roses or other type of flower may give the impression you are thing to BUY them), a bottle of wine(if you know they drink)). But not to personal. You want to impress, not frighten them.

As places to take a first date. Hopefully you have learned something of this person. Do they like movies? If so, what kind? Other forms of entertainment. What their likes and dislike in food. All that said. Now the choice. I find that a movie followed by a coffee (so you can talk, about the movie or anything else) works very well. At least it works for me. You will find your own best way. I do hope that is some help.

If she had to ask what's different. You are ALREADY in trouble. Whether you get luck and guess right or not. Simply, you didn't notice. This may seem rough, if you REALLY CARED for this person. You would have noticed. And she wouldn't have had to ask!! So, find someone that you care enough about, to notice.

mlmbd http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[Dead Meat]

My work is cut out for me.

Kamog: The best way to make a first impression is to put you foot on top of one of theirs. This is for a number of reasons. First, and most important. They can not get away. Second, placeing one's foot on top of anothers show that you have control over the situation. And third, they can't get away.

As for your question about noticing something diffrent. Always mention their eyes, for it is the gate way into the Heavens. If you happen not to mention their eyes and are wrong, then simply follow the example under the next question.

If you are asked; "Does this make me look fat?" Do not answer!! Their is no right answer. "No dear." has worked in the past. However studies have shown that 9 out of 10 boyfriends hesitate before answering the question. Instead it is far better to pretend to choke on ones tounge then to risk answer this question.

I hope i've helped.

Skulky: Indeed the ways of the ladder are wise.

[dumbluck]

Correction: The ladder is all-knowing, all-seeing.

[Gryphin]

I'm sorry to post realty here:
The women I have known seem to want honesty and sincer caring.
`

[DirectorTsaarx]

Originally posted by Kamog:
Dear mlmbd http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif ,

How do you answer this question? A girl asks you, "Do you notice anything different about me today?" You look at her, and you don't notice anything at all that's different from usual. She probably did something with her hair or got new shoelaces or something, but if you guess wrong, you're in big trouble! If you say you don't know, you're in big trouble! What do you do?<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">First, I (partially) agree with mlmbd's answer - if she had to ask, you're probably already in trouble. HOWEVER, the fact that she DID ask means she's giving you a second chance. This probably means you're on the GOOD ladder (thanks for posting the ladder theory link, dead meat). And, not only are you on the good ladder, you are probably at least as high on her ladder as she is on yours; possibly higher (or, in ladder theory language, you are at least equal and possibly in a position of power). All of which means you should definitely say something complimentary; perhaps along the lines of "your beauty is so distracting I can't tell what's different". You'll either get slapped for the cheesy line, or you'll get lucky. The chance of getting lucky is (usually)worth the risk of getting slapped.

BTW - I take no responsibility for any pain, injury or suffering resulting from following the above advice. Use at your own risk. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

Did I use enough boldface, italics and bold italics to acheive the right level of credibility for this thread? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Gryphin]

The sucsess of DirectorTsaarx's answer is directly related to how sincerely you can deliver that um, er, balony. With just the right tone inflection and inocent look you will get lucky and not slapped. (unless you want to be slapped but I'm not going there).

[Elowan]

Advice from an old goat:

You are always wrong.

Start with that premise and you can never go wrong. Woman love to forgive a man. Who cares if you're right in any event? Give your ego a rest.

The corollary to the above is the answer to the question:

Would you rather be right or married? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

[mlmbd]

To ALL;

Let's face it the LADDER, is a theory nothing more!! It maybe an Icon to some. To others it's just bunk. So, I will grant you your rights to worship anything you wish. We are just going to have to agree, that we disagree. I am never going to change your minds. And you will certainly never change mine.

ELOWAN is correct. You are always wrong.

DirectorTsaarx, if the amount of boldface, italics and bold italics makes you happy, then you used the right amount!!

Gryphin, realty is always welcome here. As far as I am concerned!!

mlmbd http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[Wardad]

If during a family argument it turns out that you are right... APOLOGIZE IMMEDIATLY!!!

[dumbluck]

LOL!!!!

[Kamog]

Thanks for the advice! Your words are wise. It IS very important to be sincere, caring, and honest in a relationship.

Just in case I need it, I'll have to practise the innocent look and inflection in the mirror until I get it right. However, I'm not going to step on a girl's foot to try to make a first impression, I just don't think that's a nice thing to do!

Quote:
"You are always wrong."

corollary: The woman is always right.

[mlmbd]

Gryphin, well said. What you say is very true.

And I am by no means and expert, either. I have better than average luck with women. That doesn't mean I am an expert. However I do have life experiences that make me a little more knowledgeable than others. I feel wisdom should be pasted along. Don't you??

Kamog, I am glad to hear that you don't plan on stepping on some ones feet! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

mlmbd http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[Gryphin]

Guys, I'm not an expert by any means but I must be doing something right. While I was still looking around for someone permanent I always told all of my dates about the existance of all of my dates. Eventualy I ended up going on dates with 2 of them at the same time. They were so apriciative of being told the truth that they felt dating that way was better. The rule that I soon discoverd:
If I like someone, anyone else I like will like them. My dates always hit it off and a good time was had by all.
My sweetheart who moved in after a month wants to find another woman to move in with us. She really liked the chemistry of the "Triple Date".
I am not making this up.
The key is:
Open Honesty, Sincere Caring, Backing up claims of love with action such as taking out the garbage, picking up your dirty cloths, and putting the seat down. It does not hurt to bring home a rose or two but that does not count as much as the above.

[mlmbd]

Still open for bussiness, MONKEY or otherwise! No need to shy away. People often have different views/ideas. Shoot, it's what makes this country great. I hope there isn't anyone with hurt feelings.

mlmbd http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[Erax]

We have a saying here... 'women and job offers never show up alone'. If you have a GREAT job offer, you will have another equally great offer before the week is out. If you meet a woman who seems to find you attractive, you will meet another very soon. The downside is, if you have none you are bound to stay that way.

As to being married... the wife always tells me our marriage contract has three paragraphs:

1. The wife is always right.

2. If for some reason she is wrong, read the first paragraph.

3. The fact that the wife is right does not mean the husband must support her ideas.

(well at least 1 out of 3 is in my favor)...

[Kamog]

Oh, I see, once you've got one girlfriend, it's easy to get more? Well, according to the Ladder Theory, it seems that the most important factor for success is to have lots of money (you get placed higher up on her ladder). Therefore, it makes sense to concentrate one's efforts on becoming super rich, and then it should be easier to attract women.

So now the question is, how does one become super rich??

[Quikngruvn]

Originally posted by Kamog:
So now the question is, how does one become super rich??<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">A few ways:
1. Win the lottery.
2. Inheritance.
3. Become a professional athlete.
4. Become a rock star.
5. Sell a kidney.
6. Win a frivolous lawsuit.
7. Rob a bank.
8. Lie.

Too bad that 1-7 are either highly unlikely or highly illegal, and #8 could be lethal when she finds out.... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Quikngruvn

[KirbyEF]

The ladder theory seems a bit cynical and non-helpful. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif

mlmbd http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif :
I sometimes don't know what to talk about...ie...mind goes blank, when I'm with a girl. The weather seems to be a Last ditch effort of things to talk about. What do you suggest? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif

KirbyEF

[mlmbd]

To All; believe me just being rich isn't the answer. The super rich don't get all the want. I know several guys with very little money that have to beat women of with a stick. You need, STYLE.

kirbyef, you just need to do more meeting, more talking and simply more interaction with women. The more you practice, the better you become. Just like anything. Talk about movies. If nothing else comes to mind. Most women at least like movie. Common ground. If you are REALLY smart, find another theory to adopt!

mlmbd http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[Gryphin]

The reason Job Offers and Women come in multibles is you are ready.
At that point in time if you have the desired traits for 1, you will have the desired traits for many. As far as taking advantage of many women, Find a bi sexual polyamorous women.
In terms of wealth, forget it. Any woman who makes that a priorty will ruin your life.
Hm, make that Any Person.
In terms of looking for a specific person try the Online personals.
You can get great Target Marketing there.
It is how I found mine.

[Dead Meat]

Disclaimer: The ladder theory was posted as a joke to lighten up the topic (plus I couldn't resits posting it:) ). Its views in no way represent the real world. Though it does have somethings that make you think.

[Gryphin]

DeadMeat,
You mean I was supposed to read it?
ooops, I never went there. I took the thread in a serious vain. but not invain.

[Dead Meat]

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif Yes, I got a kick out of it when i first read it. Then this topic showed up a few days latter and i couldn't resist posting it.

[mlmbd]

Dead Meat, sure would have saved yourself a bunch of grief, if you had made those DISCLAIMERS earlier!! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Gryphin, excellent points, Herr Gryphin!

mlmbd http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[Wardad]

The biggest consideration on the ladder is POWER, not money. In our commercial society money=power.
POWER can take many forms: strength, stamina, status, influence, family, land, money, and even politics.

As a young girl grows into an adult, the PERCEPTION of which form of power is important can change.

Raising succesfull children is not cheap (time, labor, money). Unsuccessfull and unhealthy children are even more costly. So it makes sense to be attracted to healthy bucks and later prefer providers.

Just my Cynical 2 cents on women. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

An equally cynical view of males. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Males just have one ladder....so whats the strategy....
Their genes are best spread by planting them in many hosts. They only contribute 1/2 the DNA but not the microchandria... (something or other).

Child raising limits a mans ability to spread his genes. He must find women who can raise a child alone or one who can get another man to help. So a womans attractiveness to males becomes important. Remember that health and youth are important parts of attractiveness.

The healthier the woman the more likely the child will be sucessfull (healthy). The healthy and younger woman should be able to provide more child raising labor. The healthy, younger, and attractive woman is more likely to find a provider male to help with the childs success.

[ November 25, 2002, 20:03: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[Erax]

Wardad: You're not being cynical, that theory of yours has a name - 'evolutionary psychology' or somesuch. It attempts to explain the differences in male and female behavior by proving that both contribute to the survival of the species. It may not be perfect, but IMO it's the best explanation for said behavior so far.

[Kamog]

All right, here's a question for you guys...

Is it acceptable for a guy to go out with a girl who is 10 years younger than him? How about 20 years younger? What is the rule, if any, on how much age difference is OK, and when does it become not OK?

Someone told me that the maximum acceptable age difference is 7 years. I pointed out that some movie stars who get married have huge age differences of 20 - 30 years plus, but then I was told that movie stars are rich so the rule doesn't apply to them. What do you think?

[mlmbd]

Kamog, I personally don't think if you are and "adult", you should be dating minors. But hey, that's just my opinion. For what it's worth!
As to what the acceptable age difference is. It is what you can stand. It is after all, you and the other party involved. It really makes no difference what everyone else thinks. So, what you can stand, in terms of "stairs", "rude comments" and sometimes just being "ostracized". What your physique can stand.

mlmbd http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[CombatSquirrel]

Well, hmmm...

Let's make some assumptions:

Legally, the age of majority in the States is 18. After 18 years of age, the government cannot make or enforce any laws, regulations, or involve themselves in any way with the decision for a man a woman to become involved.

By the time someone is 25, as a rule they are living independently. Not having anyone paying for their education, covering them for insurance, having any financial control over the choices that they make, and they are pretty much stuck with both the great and rotten choices that they make from that point on for the rest of their lives.

So, from 18 until you are actually carving your own way under your own steam, be considerate of the other people who are carrying you on their backs. After that, it doesn't matter, as long as both of them are of sound mind. Their own choices and their own consequences.

Man 26, Women 25 - ok
Women 35, Man 25 - ok
Man 50, Women 25 - ok, lucky dog
Women 85, Man 25 - creepy, but ok

CombatSquirrel

[Wardad]

Originally posted by Kamog:
Oh, I see, once you've got one girlfriend, it's easy to get more? Well, according to the Ladder Theory, ...<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">According to the ladder theory, a man will screw the lowest woman on his ladder if he is drunk and has nothing better to do. After being used this way, or after being warned by friends, she may wise up. The woman may want to feel she is higher on your ladder than other women.
She needs to see other women on your ladder before she feel assured her rung is good one.

[Erax]

Originally posted by Wardad:
[QUOTE]The woman may want to feel she is higher on your ladder than other women.
She needs to see other women on your ladder before she feel assured her rung is good one.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I see it another way... she wants to know if you're on some other woman's 'good' ladder. If you are, then you must have some positive qualities.

[Gryphin]

On a practical level age differance:
Women live longer than men by about 5 years or so.
That said, my sweetheart is 10 years yonger.

[mlmbd]

Gryphin, good show ole chap!

Hopefully someone will find a match (the kind you light), to put to that ladder! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

mlmbd http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[Gryphin]

mlmbd ,
I'll be in texas next year. maybe we can hot seat a game.
My success was due to "Targe Marcketting".
Knowing how and where to place a personal was the key. Treating people right is a requisette.

[ December 03, 2002, 13:40: Message edited by: Gryphin ]

[mlmbd]

Sure, just let me know when!

mlmbd http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[KirbyEF]

I agree, it seems that in the longrun.... women do not want to be lied to....

If more people were honest, then the divorce rate would be much lower....

Just a thought...

KirbyEF

[Kamog]

Yeah, nobody wants to be lied to, in the short run or the long run...

[mlmbd]

As hard as it seems to be, from time to time. Honesty is ALWAYS Best!

kirbyef, you are learning, my young "PADAWAN". For those that do not know the term is from "Star Wars".

mlmbd http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[Gryphin]

kirbyef,
While what you say about truth and lower divorce is correct, I susspect it is more that the person who tells the truth will also over all have the personalty that would be conducive to a good relationship.
Note I avoide the word "marriage". I'll wear a ring again when you shove it on my Cold, Dead, Hands
(but I'm not bitter).

[mlmbd]

Gryphin, oh I can tell you not bitter! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

I'm not either. Believe me. If my exwife jumped, was pushed or just fell of a cliff. I would be right there at the bottom, to make absolutley sure there were things she could impale herself on. Oh, yeah! NO BITTERNESS here! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

mlmbd http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[Gryphin]

mlmbd
Now, it did cost me years of emotional *ell, But, I must say I am happier than I have ever been in my life, (save for 5 others years which these are very similar),
How many guys do you know come out of a marriage with a woamn that works out 3x a week and looks greate in spandex and men envied me but the physical emotional aspect of it was unprintable, (and almost ileagle).
And
3 years later finds a woman that wants a permament FFM household. 2nd quesiton, how many people think I'm making this up? How many want proof?

[mottlee]

Originally posted by Wardad:
If during a family argument it turns out that you are right... APOLOGIZE IMMEDIATLY!!!<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">EVEN IF YOU ARE WRONG!!!!!! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

[Wardad]

Wow Gryphin!!!
My EX only had multiple personalities. I never knew who I was coming home to. Later, they became aware of each other and started to talk and lie to each other. Did you ever try to make love to a committee? She honestly became jealous of herself!!!!

-------------------------------------------------
My new wife is quite normal. She is from Roswell, and I do not understand her.

[mlmbd]

Gryphin, Oh I believe you. No proof needed, here! My EX was way to busy with her Mrs. Texas duties, for me to have any idea what she looked like in or out of spandex!

mottlee, especially if you're wrong!

Wardad, LOL! Nope never tried a commitee relationship, with just person!

mlmbd http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[KirbyEF]

What about legalizing having more than one wife again? Say 3 or 5 (even numbers don't works a good)...

It seems that some do this, but are only legally married to one. Some are married, but have relationships outside there marriage (affairs)...

Just a thought....

KirbyEF

[Gryphin]

kirbyef
"Marriage" is more a leagle institution where you have to go to a government institution to get a licence and to undo it you need to go through a court system. That will never happen to me again.
< Oh, did I mention I'm not bitter >
My love and I will "Hand Fast" which is basicaly where we promise to stay together:
"For a year and a day, and there after for as long as love shall Last"
I belive this "tradition" comes from Pagan / pre Christian Europe.

[Krsqk]

Frankly, the easy availability of no-fault divorce ("Divorce! $99, 2 days") has contributed to the failure of marriages. When divorce was unavailable or socially unacceptable, 1) Couples were more careful about who they married, and 2) There was much more incentive to "make it work" once in marriage. Both partners had to continuously choose to love each other, since divorce just wasn't an option.

[Gryphin]

When divorce was harder to get, a lot of people spent their lives unhappy. I don't know the numbers but, a lot made it work by enduring it pasively.

[Wardad]

Originally posted by Gryphin:
When divorce was harder to get, a lot of people spent their lives unhappy. I don't know the numbers but, a lot made it work by enduring it pasively.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">FDR messed around, a lot, and Elanor had a female lover.

[Gryphin]

WarDad,
I'm not sure what your point is.
I have no idea what the stats are on poly amoury and open marriages.
And, just hecause they are open, are they happy?

[DirectorTsaarx]

Originally posted by Krsqk:
Frankly, the easy availability of no-fault divorce ("Divorce! $99, 2 days") has contributed to the failure of marriages. When divorce was unavailable or socially unacceptable, 1) Couples were more careful about who they married, and 2) There was much more incentive to "make it work" once in marriage. Both partners had to continuously choose to love each other, since divorce just wasn't an option.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">First, "no-fault divorce" doesn't necessarily mean $99 and 2 days. In some states, it means divorce can be granted after 6 months of separation instead of a full year, and still requires lawyers and court dates. And, obviously, at least an order of magnitude more money (more like $1000 - $5000, not $99). And I don't think couples were THAT much more careful about who they married, but I do agree that couples were more likely to stay together when there was greater social stigma against divorce. Just as most homosexuals stayed "in the closet" when there was greater social stigma against homosexuality. (of course, there's still quite a bit of social stigma associated with homosexuality, even if companies like Lockheed Martin are allowing employees to cover "life partners" on company-supported health insurance policies). None of that means people were any happier in the "good old days" when divorce was bad, teenage pregnancies were hidden, alternate lifestyles were even more hidden, and hate Groups were more active than they are today...

[mlmbd]

Gryphin, Oh sure you had to bring up HAPPY. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

DirectorTsaarx, Hate Groups are still pretty active, today. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif As for the rest of your post, I agree. "WE" are getting less cought up with stigmata, than in the past. But, there is still a huge amount of it out there!

mlmbd http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[Krsqk]

First, "no-fault divorce" doesn't necessarily mean $99 and 2 days. In some states, it means divorce can be granted after 6 months of separation instead of a full year, and still requires lawyers and court dates. And, obviously, at least an order of magnitude more money (more like $1000 - $5000, not $99).<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I realize that not all no-fault divorce is fast or cheap. I was trying to communicate that there is a vast difference in how marriage was entered then and now. Then, it was "till death do us part" and was entered with that mindset. Now, many see marriage as a convenient arrangement that can be disposed of when it becomes inconvenient.
And I don't think couples were THAT much more careful about who they married, but I do agree that couples were more likely to stay together when there was greater social stigma against divorce.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Anyone today who has a moral or religious conviction that marriage is permanent approaches marriage much more carefully, because divorce isn't an option. You make your bed, you lie in it. At the least, you'll spend more time finding out what a potential spouse is really like.
None of that means people were any happier in the "good old days" when divorce was bad, teenage pregnancies were hidden, alternate lifestyles were even more hidden, and hate Groups were more active than they are today...<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">First, those behaviors were much less common in past times. While social stigma could make people hide their behavior, it would also be a deterrent to adopting those behaviors. Second, quite apart from their rightness or wrongness, divorce and teenage pregnancy haven't exactly brought us happiness. Young girls lose their freedom (while young men get off pretty much free); parents and children (and step-parents and step-children and step-step-parents and step-step-children) are split up and doled out in complex "time-sharing" agreements that look like something by Enron. Not much happiness there.

[Gryphin]

I can only respond with antidotal evidence. For the most part we seem to be proffering ideas that we do not have hard data to supplement.
I would say that we all wish we could have a permanent truly warm and loving relationship like Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver.
I certainly do. One of the areas I have been unable to find any statistical evidence on is the correlation between length of dating and length of relationship
I dated my 1st wife for 3 months before she moved in. The ensuing 5 years and my life now are the finest period of my life.
I dated my 2nd wife for over a year. I then lived in 10 plus years being manipulated, controlled, etc.. by a person would you never suspect capable of such a thing.
I dated my sweetheart for 1 month before she moved in. There is no doubt in my mind that my time with her will be as good as my life with my first wife.

[ December 10, 2002, 16:19: Message edited by: Gryphin ]

[DirectorTsaarx]

Originally posted by Krsqk:
Anyone today who has a moral or religious conviction that marriage is permanent approaches marriage much more carefully, because divorce isn't an option. You make your bed, you lie in it. At the least, you'll spend more time finding out what a potential spouse is really like.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Then again, I also know people who got married mainly because their moral/religious advisors all but forced them into it (using financial and emotional leverage). And ended up with physically abusive spouses. At least one of them (my cousin) refused to get a divorce (because of those convictions about marriage being permanent) until she got hospitalized, at which point the state police stepped in & arrested the man - fortunately, that state had laws where the state could press charges of abuse without requiring the battered wife to make a statement (and, obviously, risk further abuse). Also fortunately, that prompted my cousin's church to recommend divorce, for the safety of my cousin & her daughter.

And, as Gryphin points out, how long is long enough to decide what a potential spouse is like? And how do you propose doing that without living together for at least some period of time? After all, that's when you really figure out what someone is like. But most people who have religious convictions against divorce also have religious convictions against living together.

Originally posted by Krsqk:
First, those behaviors were much less common in past times. While social stigma could make people hide their behavior, it would also be a deterrent to adopting those behaviors. Second, quite apart from their rightness or wrongness, divorce and teenage pregnancy haven't exactly brought us happiness. Young girls lose their freedom (while young men get off pretty much free); parents and children (and step-parents and step-children and step-step-parents and step-step-children) are split up and doled out in complex "time-sharing" agreements that look like something by Enron. Not much happiness there.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I think there are many cases where divorce has ended some rather unhappy marriages. Teenage pregnancy in and of itself hasn't brought happiness, but the fact that the person isn't completely ostracized from the community for it reduces the unhappiness. "Time-sharing" children isn't happy, but neither is growing up in a household where the parents fight constantly, to the point where they have trouble expressing love for their children. Or worse, grow to resent those children as a root cause for keeping the marriage together. As for social stigma as a deterrent for preferring an "alternate lifestyle", that's just wrong. The social stigma leads to hiding the person's true nature, causing no end of psychological problems.

Oh - mlmbd - I agree hate Groups are still around; that's why I said they were "more active" in the past. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[mlmbd]

OK! To all posting. I think we can ALL agree that, MEN and WOMEN have relationships! OK, I said it! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Sorry, I was just reading through all the Posts. All the differing thoughts and opinions (which by the way is one of the reasons I started this thread) and that thought just HIT me. The more I read the funnier that thought became. Until I just had to share it.

I do/did not mean to change the on-going discussion. So for my less than serious post, I APOLOGIZE to all of you! Hopefully you all can understand!

mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[Gryphin]

mlmbd
I'm pretty sure your post was taken in the vein it was given. I like your wry sence of humor.

[mlmbd]

Gryphin, I hope so. The ongoing discussion is very interesting. And yes, the sence of humor is a bit wry. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif But not always!

mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[DirectorTsaarx]

mlmbd - thanks for the comic relief; I read this forum mainly to have fun, even if I do get caught up in some rather serious debates...

And, back on a serious note, related to the discussion of hate group activities: a dozen or so states have laws that make cross-burning illegal. However, the Supreme Court is deciding whether those laws are unconstitutional (or maybe they've already said that; the details are a little fuzzy right now). There's some wacky debate going on about whether cross-burning is intimidation, free speech, or something else.

[mlmbd]

DirectorTsaarx, mlmbd - thanks for the comic relief; <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">It was My pleasure! I read this forum mainly to have fun, even if I do get caught up in some rather serious debates... <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Nothing at all wrong with having 'Fun' or 'Serious Debates'. I hope you continue to enjoy the Forum's, and this thread!

I don't agree with HATE MONGERS , in the least. I see no reason for cross burning! However, I do think they should be allowed to burn there cross's. As long as the cross is not in someone's front yard!

mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[Gryphin]

I belive the court said something along the lines of, "they do it to cause terror". It stopped short of using the word "terrorism".

[Krsqk]

The Court seemed pretty divided today until Clarence Thomas spoke. He said those suing to overturn the state laws were understating the purpose of cross burning, that it was not just to make a statment but contained an inherent threat of violence and was meant to intimidate, making it unprotected speech. That seemed to sway most of the Court.

[Gryphin]

About Divorce:
Did we reach a consensus or did we agree to dissagree?

[Krsqk]

I think we agreed that it's not ideal, and that some situations are happier afterward than before. It would be much nicer if it weren't necessary, or if there were more protections to hold using creeps liable for dumping a woman without support the minute they're done with them.

"Can't we all just get along?" (said in a laughably pitiful pleading voice) http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[DirectorTsaarx]

Originally posted by Krsqk:
I think we agreed that it's not ideal, and that some situations are happier afterward than before. It would be much nicer if it weren't necessary, or if there were more protections to hold using creeps liable for dumping a woman without support the minute they're done with them.

"Can't we all just get along?" (said in a laughably pitiful pleading voice) http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Your summation sounds about right to me. I'm willing to "just get along" - but I'm glad for the chance to participate in a reasonably civilized debate http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

As for Gryphin's postulations on the origins of marriage, I'd add the idea that marriage provides a basis for paternal inheritance. In other words, it's generally obvious who a child's mother is - 9 months of pregnancy, not to mention the actual childbirth, are pretty good clues. Paternity was a little more difficult historically (although advances in DNA testing have made it easier, but not necessarily perfectly accurate either). Marriage, and the assumption of monogamy after marriage, leads to the conclusion that any children borne by the female partner in said marriage were indeed fathered by the male partner in said marriage. And, therefore, any titles, land, worldly possessions, etc. can then be inherited by those children with few (if any) social or legal obstructions. Of course, paternity only becomes important in patriarchal societies and/or in societies that do not provide for women during the childbearing years. After all, pregnancy and childraising require a great deal of energy...

[mlmbd]

Krsqk, It would be much nicer if it weren't necessary, or if there were more protections to hold using creeps liable for dumping a woman without support the minute they're done with them. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Your statement 'assumes' that creeps (us men) are 'always' responsible. No matter the circumstances. That is just not true! I don't have 'quantifiable data', for that statement. But I do know myself, and I am by no means a creep. You assume if I drop someone, I owe her something. You have not asked the conditions, for me dropping this women!

I am sure Gloria Steinem could find a place for you in NWO! But that, and Ms Gloria are an entirely different subject!

mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[Wardad]

Originally posted by Krsqk:
..if there were more protections to hold using creeps liable for dumping a woman without support the minute they're done with them... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Expect those protections to be abused by women. It seems that not only women can get screwed these days.

Guys, If you make good money... GET A VASCETOMY... It can be undone later.

I know of one Engineer who was used by a woman that wanted a child without the life time baggage of a man. She is getting more in child support than she could earn in a month. She has now ropped in a second sucker. If she snags a third one her income will be better than a college grad.

BTW, Both of these guys are such obnoxious creeps, it is hard to feel sorry for them.

[Gryphin]

Um, in my case, I was the one dumped when she got done with me.
I don't think it is gender specific.
Beyond that a lot of people who tryed to consol me talked ahout the origens of marriage and its purpose.
< Again, I have no data to back this up. It is more of speculation >
The ideas that were talked about were along the lines of:
1) Marriage < in what ever form it takes / took > Is for the rearring of children. Once that is achieved it is no longer nessasary.
2) When a human life span was 40 to 60 years there was less chance you would grow apart
3) It has also been suggested that that there are so many more aspects to life that we continue to grow / change / develop in so many more ways. It makes sence that two people would "grow appart".
Food for thought.

[Krsqk]

I meant no offense to anyone here who has been on the victim end of a bad marriage. Historically (and maybe stereotypically), it's been men who have abused the marriage relationship. It is ironic, with the increasing "empowerment" of women, that the traditionally male vices are becoming more common with women (for example, drinking/swearing, which used to be almost exclusively the domain of men). I agree that many women are looking for men to take advantage of, and they are "creeps" just as much as men can be.

[Desdinova]

one of my coworkers recently told me about his exwife. she has been married 5 times since their divorce and he was #3 at the time. the thing i found humorous about his story was that all the ex-husbands have used the same lawyer when divorcing her as he knows the history.

[Gryphin]

Krsqk
No offence taken. That is what discussion is for. An exchange of ideas, concepts, facts, and factoids. (in no particular order)

[mlmbd]

Krsqk, no offense taken here either. And I meant no offense. The great up=swing in the women movement, has indeed realigned society. Whether this is good or bad is another topic altogether. My comments are from my observations. Not a life experience. Although I have had those as well. I don't think ALL women are evil. I know some that are, and some that are not!

mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[Ruatha]

Concerning ladder theory:

http://sinfest.net/comics/sf20021007.gif

http://sinfest.net/comics/sf20021013.gif

http://sinfest.net/comics/sf20021017.gif

[ December 19, 2002, 08:50: Message edited by: Ruatha ]

[Wardad]

LOL

[mlmbd]

OK, it's funny. But that doesn't change my mind about the ladder!

mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[Wardad]

Do Not Do This!!!.....

Wife: You give the dog to much attention.

Sap: Well, the dog comes to me.

Wife: You need to spend more time with me.

Poor Sap: Ok, Go Fetch

Wife: http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif

I REPEAT AGAIN!!! Do Not Try This at home.

[mlmbd]

Wardad, LOL that is truely funny! LOL

mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[Ragnarok]

Originally posted by mlmbd:
Wardad, LOL that is truely funny! LOL

mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">It's not funny if you do it. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

[KirbyEF]

Originally posted by Ragnarok:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by mlmbd:
Wardad, LOL that is truely funny! LOL

mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">It's not funny if you do it. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Rags - Has this happened to you? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

KirbyEF

[Ragnarok]

Originally posted by kirbyef:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by Ragnarok:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by mlmbd:
Wardad, LOL that is truely funny! LOL

mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">It's not funny if you do it. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Rags - Has this happened to you? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

KirbyEF</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Not exactly. I'm not married for one. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
Secondly, I sort of did it to my girlfriend once. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif Just playing around of course but she didn't like it that much. But I convinced her I was only kidding so she forgave me. Thank god! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[mlmbd]

rags, shame on you! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[Ragnarok]

Originally posted by mlmbd:
rags, shame on you! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Well she is usually a kidder herself but I guess not that time. Unless she was bluffing. Which is totally possible as she has done that many times before.
I do something and she acts like she is all mad and so I feel really bad about what I did and the whole time she was just bluffing. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[tbontob]

Originally posted by Wardad:
Do Not Do This!!!.....

Wife: You give the dog to much attention.

Sap: Well, the dog comes to me.

Wife: You need to spend more time with me.

Poor Sap: Ok, Go Fetch

Wife: http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif

I REPEAT AGAIN!!! Do Not Try This at home.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Hey guys. As Phil McGraw used to say on the Oprah Winfrey show...

"Men do not get it. And it is not that they almost get it, they just do not get it!"

In comparison to the females of our species, men are incredibly dumb.

Girls start experimenting about relationships almost as soon as they can walk. They play with dolls, tea sets and playout conflict situations.

What do young boys do? We play with toy cars & trucks and resolve conflicts by totalling a truck.

This carries through to adult life. Some girls continue to playout situations with real men.

And some men still play with (real) cars and trucks, resolve conflicts with each other with their fists and occasionally totalling a real truck.

We just do not "get" what is actually going on. Worse, we do not have a clue.

As a consequence of the different approaches in early childhood, women generally have much better verbal and relationship skills than men do. Some experts even believe that the advantage may be genetic as well.

In the past, women would use their superior interpersonal skills to keep the marriage together while the men would "bring the bacon home"

But now, women are no longer financially dependant on men for "the bacon". They can have their own well-paying job to support themselves and if worse comes to worse, there is always social welfare to fall back on. Also, a divorced woman no longer has the negative stigma of being a "divorcee" attached to her which was a major barrier to remarrying half a century ago. That's assuming she could get a divorce in the first place since it was very expensive and she had to have "grounds" for it.

So women no longer "need" a man for financial support, social standing or whatever.

They want something more...they want an interactive relationship!

Huh???? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

An interactive relationship? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif What is that?

And how do we have one, when we haven't developed the skills for an interactive relationship?

It is like playing SE4 against a baby brother who is only six years old.

[DirectorTsaarx]

Originally posted by Wardad:
Do Not Do This!!!.....

Wife: You give the dog too much attention.
Sap: Well, the dog comes to me.
Wife: You need to spend more time with me.
Poor Sap: Ok, Go Fetch
Wife: http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif

I REPEAT AGAIN!!! Do Not Try This at home.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I had a co-worker once who did something similar; he & his wife had a couple dogs, and were training them using "clickers". The idea is that, when the dog does something good, you provide a reward and "click" the "clicker". The dog (like in the famous Pavlov experiment) learns to associate the clicks with good behavior, and eventually the rewards are no longer necessary. Anyway, one day my friend's wife brought him a beer while he was training the dogs and he "clicked" at her. Fortunately for him, she took it in stride... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[mlmbd]

<font color=blue>BUMB</font>

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font>

[DirectorTsaarx]

Originally posted by mlmbd:
<font color=blue>BUMB</font>

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">What? That's all the advice you have for us this week? BUMB????? I don't even know what that means... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Gryphin]

It is a very Zen thing. He is suggesting that Life is a BUMB

[Kamog]

Hi! I came across this story about girlfriends:

I'm currently running the latest Version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same Version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough Cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my Cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other Version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both Versions.

The Version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all Versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his Version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident Version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">

[Ragnarok]

LOL! That was great Kamog. I had tears in my eyes when I was reading that. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[mlmbd]

Kamog, that was great! Whether to beta or not to beta, that is the question!

About <font color=blue>BUMP</font>; Gryphin is correct. It is a Zin thing. You have heard about the school of hard knocks. Well this is the shcool of light <font color=blue>BUMP</font>. Just a genlte nudge, will get your feet on the correct path! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font>

[Wardad]

Valentine Day Ryhmes to Avoid:

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you, because I was pissed

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

[mlmbd]

Wardad, LOL. You slay me, Sir! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font>

[Kamog]

That was really good, Wardad!
Hmm, Valentine's Day is only a few weeks away... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[mlmbd]

Kamog, yeah. And let's hope no one tries any of those on their sweethearts! That would be 'BAD'. Funny, but bad.

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font>

[tbontob]

Funny Wardad.

The surprise ending verse spins a person around!

[Wardad]

DRUG ALERT!!!

Police warn all clubbers party goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs". "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Attached Sex

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply
ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

Beer Scam

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to
entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every fellow male you know.

However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support Groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

[primitive]

Arrrgh !!
Now they tell us. No more beer for me (at least today).

[Kamog]

Does that really happen? Women actually approach men and offer them drinks? Well, if that ever happens to me, I guess I'll only accept if she is pretty. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

I wonder if this trick works the other way... no, probably not. Women are smarter than men and they'll probably sense that it's a scam immediately.

[Wardad]

Subject:Training Courses For Men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop & The Sponge.

2. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet

3. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain?: You CAN tell the Difference

6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away

7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, You Can Throw It Away

8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

9. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

10. Accepting Your Limitations: Haveing Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink.

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash The Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: How Tell ou're About to run out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 5-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill

15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970's Polyester Shirts

16. No, Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel

18. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them

19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut

20. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It

21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh

23. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

24. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

[Kamog]

LOL. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

The training course sounds like a list of annoying chores. Let's see if we can simplify things to be more efficient.

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop & The Sponge.
Hire a maid. If you can't afford a maid, then don't ever step on the floor; it might get dirty!

2. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
Hire a maid. If you can't afford a maid, then empty everything from the closet and put it in the garage: you instantly have a neat, tidy, empty closet!

3. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
There is no need. Just don't look under there and we're OK.

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
Easy. If the item cannot be identified, then throw it away.

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain?: You CAN tell the Difference
You can disguise a splatter stain by creating many similar stains, evenly spaced out in a grid arrangement so that it looks like a pattern.

6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
Some containers should be recycled!

7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, You Can Throw It Away
See #4.

8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
There are Online grocery stores where you order stuff on the web and they deliver it to your home.

9. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
Conveniently, listening can be done while doing other things.

10. Accepting Your Limitations: Haveing Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It
If you can't fix it, it means you don't have enough power tools; or you don't have big enough power tools. Or maybe you need some Duct Tape.

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink.
Beard clippings are composed of organic material and are therefore biodegradable. They will eventually decompose and disappear on their own.

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash The Towels!
Are towels supposed to bend?

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: How Tell ou're About to run out of Toilet Paper!
You are about to run out of toilet paper when you can see the cardboard tube.

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 5-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill
How are you supposed to know how old your clothes are?

15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970's Polyester Shirts
OK, examine the shirts... (they look like shirts) Done! Check off that one off the list.

16. No, Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware
Solution: just use paper plates and pLastic cups. Throw them away after use.

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel
Huh?

18. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
Nobody seems to be around when you're lost. If you do see someone, they're probably lost too.

19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
McDonald's, Burger King, Subway ...

20. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It
See #22.

21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
Solution: get two TV's

22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
Why do women laugh? I don't know. (There, I said it!)

23. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
Then you need a new car.

24. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
There's job interviews, too.

[tbontob]

Originally posted by Kamog:
Does that really happen? Women actually approach men and offer them drinks? Well, if that ever happens to me, I guess I'll only accept if she is pretty. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

I wonder if this trick works the other way... no, probably not. Women are smarter than men and they'll probably sense that it's a scam immediately.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">LOL http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Studies have consistently shown that about 80% of the men will accept a proposition from a strange woman to go to bed with them. In contrast it is 0% when the proposer is a male.

In these studies, the proposal is usually made in the daytime and in a benign setting.

I suspect the percentages will be a bit closer when the parties go pubbing as both parties are somewhat mentally prepared for it. Women especially are more likely to go pubbing when they are ovulating and will then give many signs of their preparedness for "the proposal" with much skimpier dresswear, more hair flings, more smiles, more eye contact, more 'inadvertent' touching etc.

In any event, it is quite a contrast, to say the least. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Wardad]

Kamog,

LOL

[mlmbd]

Kamog, Excellent! LOL

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font>

[geoschmo]

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop & The Sponge.
Hire a maid. If you can't afford a maid, then don't ever step on the floor; it might get dirty!
<font color=brown>If you could afford a maid why would you ever get married?</font>

2. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
Hire a maid. If you can't afford a maid, then empty everything from the closet and put it in the garage: you instantly have a neat, tidy, empty closet!
<font color=brown>Better plan. Leave the stuff in the closet and go pretend to work in the garage till she leaves you alone.</font>

3. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
There is no need. Just don't look under there and we're OK.
<font color=brown>Here's some money honey. Go buy a big enough comforter so that it hangs down to the floor.</font>

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain?: You CAN tell the Difference
You can disguise a splatter stain by creating many similar stains, evenly spaced out in a grid arrangement so that it looks like a pattern.
<font color=brown>I don't know art, but I know what I like.</font>

6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
Some containers should be recycled!
7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, You Can Throw It Away
See #4.
<font color=brown>The trash can is gender blind.</font>

8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
There are Online grocery stores where you order stuff on the web and they deliver it to your home.
<font color=brown>Statistics show that after work, the supermarket is the leading point where affairs begin in America. But if you really want me to go I will...</font>

9. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
Conveniently, listening can be done while doing other things.
<font color=brown>God gave me two ears and two eyes. Do you really need all four to be wasted doing one thing at a time?</font>

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 5-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill
How are you supposed to know how old your clothes are?
<font color=brown>Since your wife buys all your clothes, she can tell you how old they are. If she didn't buy them they are at least as old as your relationship. Call your mother/ex-wife if you have to know exactly.</font>

[Ragnarok]

LOL!
Geo, Kamog, those are hilarious additions to the original posting. I was laughing pretty hard at those. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[mlmbd]

Kamog, geo did you one better! <font color=purple>L</font><font color=#9933CC>O</font><font color=purple>L</font> Those are great, geo!

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font>

[Wardad]

OMG! There is a divorce lawyer in Austin Texas named: CHEATHAM !!!

[Wardad]

Here's a list of what NOT to give her for Valentines Day:

1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the carmel ones.
2. Lingerie that you think will look almost as good on her as on the Victoria's Secret model.
3. Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
4. Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label.
5. Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey, or Jenna Jameson.
6. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.
7. Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out "There was once a girl from Nantucket..."
8. Anything you ever gave another woman, including your mother.
9. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
10. A gift certificate.
11. Cash.
12. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
13. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"

[Wardad]

Marketing Idea!

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed,... 'Guess who?!?!?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"Just drumming up business." the man replies. "I'm a divorce lawyer!"

[Wardad]

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince. Then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."

[Wardad]

Valentine Card to Osama
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with new found pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of that mother####er!"

[Wardad]

A list of rules that guys wished women knew...

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

3. Don't make us guess.

4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."

7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

8. Dogs are better than cats.

9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

12. You have enough clothes.

13. You have too many shoes.

14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

15. Your brother is an idiot.

16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a Calendar.

18. Share the bathroom

19. Share the closet.

20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

21. A headache that Lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.

23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

24. Check your oil.

25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

27. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

28. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

29. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

30. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

31. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

32. Don't make 50 rules when 32 will do.

[Kamog]

LOL! Those are great, Wardad! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[mlmbd]

Wardad, again, you slay me!!! <font color=purple>L</font><font color=#9933CC>O</font><font color=purple>L</font>

If I recover, from laughing, I may add/alter your list!

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font>

[Erax]

Hey Wardad, I like cats ! In fact we (my wife and I) have 6...

[Slick]

A married man can be either happy or right, but not both. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

[edit: and very possibly neither!]

Slick.

[ February 15, 2003, 21:27: Message edited by: Slick ]

[Wardad]

Your problem's lying in your bed," the director said to me,
"Murder is easy if you take it logically.
It's more fun if he's struggling to get free,"
There must be fifty ways to kill your lover.

She said, "it's really not my habit to be rude,
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued,
But the film won't sell if he's only getting screwed,"
There must be fifty ways to kill your lover.

Just stab him in the back, Pat,
Shoot out his spleen, Kathleen,
Poison his tea, Dee,
Before he gets his hands free....

Just feed him some Spam, Ma'am
No need to disguise it much...
It'll take him out clean.

She said, "it grieves me so to see you pause again,
I wish you'd do it so we'd print this scene by ten."
I said, "I appreciate that, and would you please explain
About the fifty ways?"

The director said, "we'll rehearse it again tonight,
And I'm sure that when we film it, the scene will go just right;"
She gave me an icepick and then I saw the light--
There must be fifty ways to kill your lover!

Just blow out his brains, Jane,
Set fire to his yacht, Dot,
Cut the brake hose, Rose,
And then the plot flows....

Just feed him some Spam, Ma'am
No need to disguise it much...
It'll take him out clean.

[Wardad]

ooo hugs

xxx kisses

OOO big hugs

XXX big kisses

oo hugs for everybody but you

OO! big, excited hugs

CCC hugs for people you can't quite reach around

OOQ hugging with tongue

xx@ kisses and earlobe nibbling

zzz snoring

yyy anything that occurs between kissing and snoring

H handshake

AAA talk-show not-really kissing

[X] kissing in the closet

XYZZY a kiss that moves you

LLL Armwrestles for all

OOO~~~ Big hugs and large caterpillars for all

))) Smiles for all

TTT Trees for all

jjj gooses for all

JJJ big gooses for all

OOOXXXYYYZZZ This is illegal before marriage in nine states

OOOXXXyZZZZZ Still illegal, but generally not nearly as well received

[Wardad]

A Child's Prayer
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

[Wardad]

Girlfriend remote...

http://www.thehumorarchives.com/humor/0000790.html

[mlmbd]

I like 'Remote' girlfriends!

<font color=purple>L</font><font color=#9933CC>O</font><font color=purple>L</font>

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font>

[Wardad]

TEST: What the opposite sex is really thinking...

http://www.thehumorarchives.com/humor/0000579.html

[ February 21, 2003, 20:10: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[mlmbd]

Wardad, <font color=purple>L</font><font color=#9933CC>O</font><font color=purple>L</font> Where do you keep coming up with this stuff?

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font>

[Wardad]

Originally posted by mlmbd:
Wardad, <font color=purple>L</font><font color=#9933CC>O</font><font color=purple>L</font> Where do you keep coming up with this stuff?

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">A former co-worker has become a fat, divorced, depraved old man. He sends email to a audience of hundreds. I only post the softest of it here.

Relatives and other friends send some of the lighter humor.

Finally, I search for some of the humor.

Lately it's been quiet at work. Our latest IC for the AGB-XXXXXX was delayed a week.

Oh well, I think I will go run some tests on the AGB-SP that siting in pieces on the bench. Or maybe I'll put together one of the three PS2s and take it home for a while.

*******
Here's one for you mlmbd:

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.

She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"

He says, "Put it between your legs."

"What about the smell?"

"Hold its nose."
***

[Kamog]

Originally posted by Wardad:
Lately it's been quiet at work. Our latest IC for the AGB-XXXXXX was delayed a week.

Oh well, I think I will go run some tests on the AGB-SP that siting in pieces on the bench.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">What is an AGB? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif

[ February 26, 2003, 04:44: Message edited by: Kamog ]

[Wardad]

AGB = Advance Game Boy
AGB-SP = newest model, currently only available in Japan.

I can talk about the AGB-SP now that it is on the market. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif
I am allowed to say "It is really awesome, buy it." http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

I think it looks boxy and ugly. My bosses kids had a lack of excitement when they saw it.
But.. It is improved with bigger display, built in backlight, faster proccessor, rechargeable removable Lithium Ion battery, etc...

[mlmbd]

Wardad; you got me again! <font color=purple>L</font><font color=#9933CC>O</font><font color=purple>L</font> That is 'great'.

If you run out of places for the PS2's to go, I could send you my address! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font>

[Kamog]

Wow, Wardad, you have a job where you get to work on different game systems all day? Sounds like fun! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Which game system is the best: Sony Playstation 2, Nintendo Game Cube, or Microsoft X-Box?

[Wardad]

SEIV is the best!!!!

[Ragnarok]

Originally posted by Wardad:
SEIV is the best!!!!<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Good answer. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[DavidG]

Originally posted by Ragnarok:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by Wardad:
SEIV is the best!!!!<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Good answer. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Awww sounds like he avoided the question to me. It was game system http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

[Wardad]

A game system in nothing without the games.

PS2 - They pay some of our bills http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif Good game system but dated.
It needs a hard drive and faster graphics with greater detail for higher resolution TVs (or computer monitor).

XBOX - Microsoft http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif NEED I SAY MORE???? Great hardware crippled by software. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif
Have you learned nothing about parasites? Kill it before it can burrow under your skin.

Nintendo Game Cube - Just OK for small kids.

Game Boy - It defines the handheld game market.
Game Boy dominated the market by having a large number of popular game titles and a lower cost of ownership (cheaper games and the batteries Lasted longer).
Cell Phones with games are seen as a growing competition now. How will Nintendo respond?

[ February 27, 2003, 13:59: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[mlmbd]

Wardad, so did you need that address?? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font>

[Wardad]

Originally posted by mlmbd:
Wardad, so did you need that address?? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Get in line behind my bosses, and hold your nose.

[Wardad]

Advise: Don't fart in front of your wife.

this could happen to you too:

***
A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out. The wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up scared, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night.

He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE.
***

[mlmbd]

Wardad, got it. Thanks! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font>

[geoschmo]

Originally posted by Wardad:
Game Boy - It defines the handheld game market.
Game Boy dominated the market by having a large number of popular game titles and a lower cost of ownership (cheaper games and the batteries Lasted longer).<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Personally I am pretty peeved at the Gameboy people right now. My ten year old son scrimped and saved his pennies for months cause he wanted a Gameboy, so he got an Advance. A bigger P.O.S. I have never seen produced by what is supposed to be a reputable company. I can't understand how anybody buys these things. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif Actually I do know. People are stupid like me and plunk their money down assuming since it's from Nintendo it will be useable and then Nintendo won't give you your money back and wont let the stores give you your money back if the box has been opened. Cause they know if they do they won't make a damn cent off these things.

The screen is absolutly not viewable unless you are in very bright light conditions, and then you get a glare from the reflection off the screen. The various add on lights are just a way to get another ten bucks form you and are just as worthless.

All the money they spent on the 32 bit processing and graphic power is useless without a freaking backlight Nintendo. So what if the batteries Last longer? Of course the batteries Last longer if you can only play the game for 30 minutes a day when the sunlight is the brightest.

Shame on them. Battery life shmatery life. Put a backlight in the damn thing and make the game take 4 AA's instead of 2. Why is that so hard to figure out?

Fortunatly there is a company that sells an aftermarket kit to add a backlight to the game. It's another 25 bucks, but since Nintendo won't give me my money back and the stupid game boy is useless without it I will buy it. I'll tell you this though if I had to buy the kit from Nitendo I'd sooner chop the damn thing up into little pieces and mail it to them postage due then give them another dime.

Phew, I feel better. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Geoschmo

[ March 02, 2003, 14:53: Message edited by: geoschmo ]

[Wardad]

Geo,

Ouch.... That stinks.
At least in AZ, I have three days to take it back to the store and exchange it.

edited...

Geo,
I can believe there are a few lemons. Maybe that will change if and when they start using our parts. I do not believe they make any money off the GameBoy unit, they do make money off the game titles.

[ March 02, 2003, 18:35: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[geoschmo]

According to the guy at the store the only way I could return it was if it was defective and then I could only get a like unit in exchange. I even tried to get store credit and they wouldn't do it. And this was at a store that I frequent often and has never given me a problem before on returns and excahnges. So I believe them when they say it is a rule passed down from Nintendo. Now state laws in other states may override that. Maybe in those states the store would have to bite it, I don't know.

[Wardad]

Geo,
Right, it is 3 days for exchange of like unit here also.
I'm sorry your kid doesn't enjoy it. It sounds like a big disappointment.

Maybe some good will come out of the bad experience. He can unlearn impulse buying and learn to check it out first.

A very good lesson to learn before buying a car. After that POS Chrysler product, I may never buy a new car again. Now I always check out the Consumer Reports car rating issue (at library) first.

[ March 02, 2003, 18:34: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[Wardad]

just to lighten things up:

***
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old
farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad
news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with
that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and
made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
***

[mlmbd]

Wardad, <font color=purple>L</font><font color=#9933CC>O</font><font color=purple>L</font> I did something like that in the service. It was amazingly funny. Except for the 'Winner'. I gave him back $10. The chances were a buck. He didn't seem to mind to much, then! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font>

[Wardad]

Ok kids, do not try this at home:

***
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian
and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could
fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said
the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in
Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear
and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the
world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed
counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, West
Virginia, and especially Tennessee.
***

[mlmbd]

Wardad <font color=purple>L</font><font color=#9933CC>O</font><font color=purple>L</font> I will make sure I do not try it!! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font>

[Wardad]

You can give more than 100%:

***
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants "more than 100%." Well here's how you do that. Here's how you can achieve 103%. First of all, here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future. How does one achieve 100% in LIFE? Begin by noting the following.

IF :

A = 1, B = 2, C = 3, D = 4, E = 5, F = 6, G = 7, H = 8, I = 9, J = 10,
K = 11, L = 12, M = 13, N = 14, O = 15, P = 16, Q = 17, R = 18,
S = 19, T = 20, U = 21, V = 22, W = 23, X = 24, Y = 25, Z = 26,

Then:

H A R D W O R K =
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98%

Similarly,

K N O W L E D G E =
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96%

But interesting (and as you'd expect),

A T T I T U D E =
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%..... This is how you achieve 100% in LIFE.

But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or REALIZE), is

B U L L S ** T =
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management, and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100%!
***

[Wardad]

New joke of the Day...

***
There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'
***

[Ragnarok]

For any of you that get in a accident, hopefully you dont, but here is what you should do.

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

[mlmbd]

Wardad and rags, <font color=purple>L</font><font color=#9933CC>O</font><font color=purple>L</font>

I am not sure which is funnier. I do know that the two combined, helped me pass a large sip of my coffee and part of a chocolate dogunt through my nose!

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font>

[Wardad]

99 Reasons Beer is better than women.

1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.
5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. hangovers eventually go away.
8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
16. A beer always goes down gently.
17. You can share a beer with your friends and enemies.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
19. A beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. A beer doesn't care when you come.
22. You can have a beer in public.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.
26. Beer doesn't mind being in the ""wet spot"" that IT left.
27. You can't catch anything but a ""buzz"" from a beer.
28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
32. Beer looks the same in the morning.
33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month.
34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
36. Beer doesn't get cramps.
37. Beer doesn't have a mother.
38. Beer doesn't have morals.
39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
40. Beer always listens and never argues.
41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.
43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.
44. Beer doesn't demand legality.
45. Beer is never overweight.
46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards.
48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer.
49. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.
52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
53. Beer never changes its mind.
54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
55. Beer never asks you to change the station.
56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping.
57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
58. Beer will never make you go to a Swedish movie.
59. Beer is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.
61. Beer doesn't pout or play games.
62. Beer NEVER says no.
63. Beer is easy to get into.
64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.
65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.
66. Beer doesn't wear a bra.
67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.
68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.
69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.
70. Beer doesn't live with its mother.
71. Beer doesn't blow you off.
72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
73. Beer doesn't *****, yell, or cry."
74. Beer doesn't mind football season.
75. A beer won't make you go to church.
76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
77. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
79. A beer doesn't give a toss if you keep a bunch of other beers around.
80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are "cute".
81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig
83. A beer will never make you see its parents
84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are ****heads.
85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
86. A beer will never stop you from watching Playboy.
87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A beer won't smoke in your car.
89. A beer never watchs opera.
90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. A beer will never complain when you disobey nature.
92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.
93. A beer never fishes for compliments.
94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous t@#s.
95. Beer tastes good.
96. A beer will never accuse you of rape.
97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watchin.
98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the store.

[mlmbd]

Wardad, any reason you stopped at 99???

<font color=purple>L</font><font color=#9933CC>O</font><font color=purple>L</font> The list, by the way, is great! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font>

[Wardad]

***

WISE OLD INDIAN

The old Cherokee chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done." The Chief nodded that it was so.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied,

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.

No taxes.

No debt.

Plenty buffalo.

Plenty beaver.

Women did all the work.

Medicine man free.

Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night loving women."

The Chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

***

[Wardad]

Originally posted by mlmbd:
Wardad, any reason you stopped at 99???

<font color=purple>L</font><font color=#9933CC>O</font><font color=purple>L</font> The list, by the way, is great! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Yes, I stopped for a beer run.

[Wardad]

THE NEWEST MEDICATIONS FOR WOMEN

D A M I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8hrs.

St. M O M 'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

[mlmbd]

Wardad, <font color=purple>L</font><font color=#9933CC>O</font><font color=purple>L</font> are these over the counter pharmaceuticals???

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font>

[Wardad]

KABUL (Voice of Sharia) -- Citing worldwide reaction to Last week's terrorist attacks, multi-national terror network Al Qaeda announced Thursday that it would lay off 5,000 or more holy warriors. The "holy war" concern said the move was necessary because of an expected 20 percent fatwah reduction and the cost and complexity of thwarting new airport and immigration security procedures, according to a statement broadcast on Afghanistan's Voice of Sharia radio. "This is, without a doubt, the most difficult thing I have had to do in my over two decades as a mujahad," said Al Qaeda mastermind and chief operations officer Osama bin Laden in a letter to employees. He added, "Some of these people are my friends, who have been fighting the infidel by my side since we were were living in caves in Afghanistan during the Soviet occupation. We are still living in caves in Afghanistan, but I believe the bottom is forming and we will see a turnaround soon, provided we can meet the challenge by getting both leaner AND meaner."
"I have declared a state of emergency at Al Qaeda," he said. "This declaration is an official recognition that, hard as it may be to accept, our network's very survival depends on dramatic change to our operations, our jihad and worst of all our staffing levels." The cuts, bin Laden said, would include both mujahadin (holy warriors) and ulema (clerics). They will impact Afghanistan, Pakistan and Iraq. Some mujahadin will be notified immediately, others won't be notified until the end of next week as they finish attacks in progress or in late stages of planning, according to Taliban spokesman Wakil Ahmed. Staff cuts for suicide pilots, car bombers, petty religious clerics and other Al Qaeda holy warriors will be based on seniority, Ahmed said, in a deal worked out at a meeting between bin Laden and union officials from the IBIJ (International Brotherhood of the Islamic Jihad).

Mujahadin and others who lose their jobs will not receive any sort of severance package, according to the Al Qaeda statement. Pakistan, which oversees Al Quaeda and its subsidiary Taliban organization, is the world's largest country with a pre-medieval culture and justice system. The country's latest quarterly report said the different units of the Al Qaeda/Taliban organization, including the madrassas (schools Pakistan has been running for twenty years to turn ordinary children into suicidal holy warriors) had at total of 30,000 employees, meaning the cut represents a 16 percent reduction in staff. Al Qaeda is the latest in a string of Islamic terror network layoff announcements, pushing the total of announced cuts in the Last five days to 10,000.

Referring to massive U.S. troop movements involving three carrier Groups in the Mediterranean and Arabian Sea, worried Afghani ulemas in testimony during the emergency sharia council in Khandahar on Thursday told their spiritual leader Mullah Mohammed Omar that the number is likely to cross the 20,000 threshold in the coming days, through attrition, with none of the expected openings slated to be refilled. OIC (Organization of the Islamic Conference) and bin Laden are considering spending billions on emergency aid to the industry, distributed through a vast network of corrupt Saudi emirs, international prostitution rings and drug smugglers. The current exchange rate is approximately 100,000 afghanis to the dollar. The PLO announced Tuesday it will reduce its workforce by 200 to 300 sleeper agents worldwide by end of 2002 at its commercial bus bombing division and restaurant theater operations.

[Wardad]

Down To The Old Pub Instead
A good old Irish song. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

http://www.whatarerecords.com/oldpub

[Wardad]

http://www.thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=873

http://www.thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=387

http://www.thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=566

http://www.thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=236

http://www.thehumorsource.com/picture.php?id=662

[ March 24, 2003, 19:08: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[mlmbd]

Wardad, don't worry I am here. Reading and laughing. It just took me this long to regain enough composure to post. Just laughing to much........ <font color=purple>L</font><font color=#9933CC>O</font><font color=purple>L</font>

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font

[Wardad]

TOP TWENTY WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows on your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

And the number one way to tell someone their fly is unzipped...

1. I thought you were crazy, now I see your nuts.

[Wardad]

"You know the world's gone mad when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy,
the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
the Swiss hold the America's Cup,
France is accusing the USA of arrogance,
and the Germans don't want to go to war"

author unknown

[mlmbd]

Originally posted by Wardad:
"You know the world's gone mad when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy,
the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
the Swiss hold the America's Cup,
France is accusing the USA of arrogance,
and the Germans don't want to go to war"

author unknown<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif"><font color=purple>L</font><font color=#9933CC>O</font><font color=purple>L</font> Ain't it so?!?

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font

[Wardad]

Truth or urban legend?

A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve.
A few weeks ago, he was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies.
At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies.

The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many Languages, Americans only learned English. He then asked.
"Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you have to speak French?"

Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied.
"Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German."

The group became silent.

[Gryphin]

Truth or?
I don't know but Touche!

[Wardad]

We must never forget this danger!!!!!!!!1


Try this.

Go to http://members.aol.com/matt999h/beer.htm

[primitive]

Originally posted by Wardad:
We must never forget this danger!!!!!!!!1


Try this.

Go to http://members.aol.com/matt999h/beer.htm<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Been there - done that.

[mlmbd]

Originally posted by primitive:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by Wardad:
We must never forget this danger!!!!!!!!1


Try this.

Go to http://members.aol.com/matt999h/beer.htm<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Been there - done that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Excellent! You and Wardad are making my time light, and lively! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font

[Wardad]

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets see now...

No beer, No booze, No bars, No television, No cheerleaders, No baseball, No football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf, No tailgate parties, No hooters, No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks. Rags For clothes, towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next door because he is sick and there are no doctors. 24 hour wailing from a guy in the tower. No chocolate chip cookies, No Christmas. You can't shave. Your wife can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses, and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else; she smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition. Then they tell you when you die it all gets better.

NO MYSTERY HERE.

[Wardad]

A Blonds Wish....

http://www.madbLast.com/view.cfm?type=Picture&display=1268

[mlmbd]

Wardad, I am glad they aren't! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif Brains, that is!

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font

[Wardad]

A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune.

"One United States Marine is better than ten Iraqi!"

The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out,
"One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqi!"

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune
and instantly a huge fire fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle,
again silence.

The American voice calls out again,
"One United States Marine is better than one thousand Iraqi!"

The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two of them!"

[mlmbd]

Wardad <font color=purple>L</font><font color=#9933CC>O</font><font color=purple>L</font>

That is GREAT!!!

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font

[Wardad]

Updated Employee Handbook 2003
Effective immediately

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your Salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now Banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan 1, July 4 and Dec. 25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the Chronic Offenders Category.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

The Management

[Kamog]

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
>OK, I'll show up to work and spread my sickness to the whole company! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
>My replacement will catch my disease, and will die two weeks after me, so he will immediately have to train another replacement for him!

RESTROOM USE:
>No problem. I'll keep a jar in my cubicle so I won't have to leave.

[mlmbd]

OK! You both got me!

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font

[Wardad]

Only in America...
can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America...
are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America...
do banks leave both doors open but chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America...
do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a "diet" coke.

Only in America...
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.

Only in America...
do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America...
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America...
do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".

[mlmbd]

Wardad, I especially like the view of "politics". Seems I have been more right, than I had thought! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font

[mottlee]

I need a copy of the hand book!

[Wardad]

Let's play HANGAROO!

http://www.insanepictures.com/gm.shtml?0034.htm

[CEO TROLL]

My personnal favorite: Battered Wives

http://www.insanepictures.com/pic.shtml?1042.jpg

[Wardad]

CEO TROLL!

You are a sick sick puppy!!!

but maybe she would better off in cookie dough.

[CEO TROLL]

Wardad, I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

[Wardad]

CEO you are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

[CEO TROLL]

WD I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

[Wardad]

CEO I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

[CEO TROLL]

WD you sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

[Wardad]

CEO, did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

[CEO TROLL]

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

[Wardad]

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

[CEO TROLL]

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

[Wardad]

CEO any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

[CEO TROLL]

WD the fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

[Wardad]

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

[Mephisto]

Well, how about you sit together and talk about it in private. I bet you know each other better then one would expect. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

[mlmbd]

CEO TROLL:

Originally posted by CEO TROLL:
WD the fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Don't know who you are, and I do not care. This is my thread. You want to flame someone, fine! Do it somewhere else. If not I will lock this thread! Or, I will delete just start deleting Posts!

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font

[Erax]

Mlmbd, I think they're actually the same person.

[mottlee]

You know it takes 2 to have a fight! (flame) and I agree there is NO place for it here this is one of the better areas for people to gather info and that sort of actions are not needed here!

thats my $0.02!

[Ragnarok]

Originally posted by mlmbd:
Don't know who you are, and I do not care. This is my thread. You want to flame someone, fine! Do it somewhere else. If not I will lock this thread! Or, I will delete just start deleting Posts!
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Yeah, I believe they are one and the same. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Plus it'd be hard for you to delete Posts in this thread. Only Moderators can do that. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

[Wardad]

OOPS, Sorry to upset you mlmbd.

I was just bored with posting links and jokes and decided to do some put down humor. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

Remember, it takes two to flame http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Wardad]

Marriage Advice From Kids
(As answered by elementary school students)

-------------------------------
How Do You Decide Who To Marry?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she

should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kirsten, age 10

-------------------------------------
What is the Right Age To Get Married?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6

--------------------------------------------------
How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

----------------------------------------------------
What Do Your Think Your Mom and Dad Have In Common?

Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

--------------------------------
What Do Most People Do On A Date?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even

boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them

interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10

-----------------------------------------------------------
What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make

sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
- Craig, age 9

----------------------------------
When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?

When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them & have kids

with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8

-------------------------------------
Is It Better To Be Single or Married?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up

after them.
- Anita, age 9

--------------------------------------------------------------
How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

-----------------------------------
How Would You Make a Marriage Work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.

- Ricky, age 10

[Kamog]

These kids are smarter than most adults! Some of these kids have already learned to be cynical and realistic at the same time! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[Gwaihir]

Little kids' answers are so great!

Cynical and realistic, wait isn't that the same thing? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

[mlmbd]

Originally posted by Wardad:
OOPS, Sorry to upset you mlmbd.

I was just bored with posting links and jokes and decided to do some put down humor. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

Remember, it takes two to flame http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I was 'almost' the second! I figured, it was most likely you. As you can see I only addressed one of the parties involved! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

I argue like that with myself all the time! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font

[Wardad]

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male's side. These are our rules!

Please note. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us *****ing about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a Calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that Last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports, navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

[Gryphin]

You do not want to know how much greif my Xs refusal to tell me what she wanted cost me.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Then again, maybe you do.

[Gwaihir]

hear, hear!

amen to all of that!

[ May 05, 2003, 13:26: Message edited by: Gwaihir ]

[Wardad]

Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"I did," says the other guy, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shoot! THAT'S the word!"

[Wardad]

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate.

Remember: Money talks...But Chocolate sings.

[Phoenix-D]

"Remember: Money talks...But Chocolate sings."

Warning! Chocolate can occasionally trigger the "But this will make me look FAT!" response. Or even the dreaded "Do you think I'm fat?" (note there is no proper response to that)

[Gwaihir]

Q: do you think i'm fat?
A: have some chocolate.

hrm, on second thought, maybe not. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[Wardad]

Why parents go gray...

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"
"Yes,"
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" Asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper,"
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME."

[Kamog]

speaking of gray hair...

One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had
several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette
hair.
The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are
some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then
asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

[Dingocat85]

Originally posted by Kamog:
Well, according to the Ladder Theory, it seems that the most important factor for success is to have lots of money (you get placed higher up on her ladder). Therefore, it makes sense to concentrate one's efforts on becoming super rich, and then it should be easier to attract women.

So now the question is, how does one become super rich??<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Doesn't the Ladder Theory state that the most important factor is Money/Power? Having Power usually means that you have a high standing in something or other.
So shouldn't the question be, how does one get some sort of high standing?

[Dingocat85]

Originally posted by Kamog:
[QB]All right, here's a question for you guys...

Is it acceptable for a guy to go out with a girl who is 10 years younger than him? How about 20 years younger? What is the rule, if any, on how much age difference is OK, and when does it become not OK? [QB]<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">The older both members are, the greater age difference there can be.
Example: Dating someone 10 years younger than you.
>>>>>>>Not Good: 17 year old with a 7 year old.
>>>>>>>Normal: 80 year old with a 70 year old.

So, it all depends on age.

[Wardad]

URBAN LEGEND?

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my
illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a
valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I
simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel
like coming in the next day. By then, I thought, I could think up a doozy to
explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt
a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem, but one
morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb,
call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!! The garbage disposal is dead. Come
and reset it"

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
(pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
(Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about
how her cowardly behavior was not without
consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the
button. It is the Last action I remember performing. It struck without
warning, without any respect to my circumstances.

Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied
between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I
took the bait under the sink.
At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I
unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while
rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten
hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a
"fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the
"flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded
my ascent, the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully
briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted
as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.
At the office, my colleagues tried to coax an
explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk
about. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.

[ May 12, 2003, 16:51: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[Wardad]

TEXAS CHILI

If you can read the whole story without tears of laugher running down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you.

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town.

It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the Last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy s***, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s***-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. ***** is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed the paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 --My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s*** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the Last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mildn'or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili.

[Kamog]

Sounds like what happens everytime I have Thai food! Thai dishes are really spicy!! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif I have never been able to finish a Thai dinner because it's just too painful to continue after a while.

[Taz-in-Space]

I know what you mean Kamog. I had an Indian curry like that...burned me on both ends, if you know what I mean! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/blush.gif

[Gryphin]

Brings a new meaning to "Ring of Fire"

[Wardad]

I can remember feeling like I was farting razor blades!
I wanted ice cream, any flavor, but not to eat!

[Wardad]

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've learned from my children (honest & no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4
inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint
on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using
a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before
you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too
late.

8. ... no way am I gonna post #8 ....

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year
old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they
do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. PLastic toys do not like
ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade....true story: The
day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs
to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was
trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And
so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said,
'Pardon
me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher
paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One
little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy sh*t! A
talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[Ruatha]

Mixed funny and not.
Laughed alot and sometimes not. (Have a 6 year and a 2 year old)

[Gryphin]

My mother wants a word with you.

[Loser]

Laughed, eyes teared-up, fell out of chair.

Congratulations, you have just played accessory to convincing my coworkers that I am mad. This is not altogether a bad thing. I have found that when your boss thinks you are crazy he or she will only bother you after carefully considering the alternatives.

Internal dialog, Boss:
Looks like Jon Doe didn't get that memo about the cover sheets on the TPS reports. I guess I'll have to go have a talk with him. Wait a minute, Jon is the guy who talks to himself and laughs alone.... well, I'm sure he'll find out about the cover sheets sometime and it's not really important enough to interrupt his work...

*Boss goes and harasses someone else about the coversheets on their TPS reports*

[mottlee]

Man I had to wipe me eyes on that one! ROFLMAO! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[minipol]

Wardad, excellent post. However, i'm relatively new to parenthood (small boy, 5 months old) and these stories start to slightly worry me http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[Stone Mill]

Priceless, Wardad. LOL. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[Wardad]

Subject: CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~ "Unknown"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for Last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the ! whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[Wardad]

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,

his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."



The moral of this story is: whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

[Kamog]

LOL. Where is this magical river? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Gryphin]

Some Folks here seem a bit sensitive about age:
How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you
were told about! Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

[Erax]

My count is seven. Numbers 3, 8, 14, 16, 17, 18 and 19. But we may have had them here long after they were phased out in the US. And other stuff on the list may never have existed outside the US, so I guess it evens out.

Accoding to the SEIV code (http://www.sandman43.fsnet.co.uk/se4code.htm), I'm A+, if it helps any.

[Wardad]

ONE WISH...

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a story-tale myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?" The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for .. a good man."

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said, "Let me see that freakin' map again."

[Wardad]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the Last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[Taera]

this had become a joke thread now? either way, i enjoyed the jokes people, thanks for the morning's laugh http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[Wardad]

Well, this thread is supposed to be about relationships and living. So I throw in those type of jokes.

[Taera]

ok sorry, but the jokes are realy good http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[Kamog]

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">She will probably tell you that she does, in fact, need it.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">He starts worrying a little bit before that.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Corollary: there are very few, if any, successful men.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Therefore, there are very few successful women.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">When they ask you, "Are you still single?" respond by saying, "Yes, are you still married?"

[Wardad]

Originally posted by Kamog:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">When they ask you, "Are you still single?" respond by saying, "Yes, are you still married?"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">LOL!

[Loser]

Originally posted by Wardad:
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">"Are you still single?"

"Yes. In this state, anyway."

[Wardad]

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:


She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."



UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.



And Finally

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he Deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So..... I figure if I have to roll my own so does she.

[Gryphin]

Didn't want to gunk the other thread.
This is the correct quote:
"All the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average" <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Yes you would expect the men to be strong and the women to be good looking but that is not the way he says that on the show.

Then again, maybe that is what you meant.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

we still have a metal ice-tray.

what do people use now?

[Wardad]

Reasons the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) There's no time like the present to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it, English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine
in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor French
fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea
pig is neither from Guinea nor a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?
If the plural of foot is feet, why isn't the plural of boot, beet? One
goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you
have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what
do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a
vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship
by truck and send cargo by ship? Park in a driveway and drive on a
parkway? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance
and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are
opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
If Dad is Pop, how come Mom isn't Mop?

[General Woundwort]

Wait, Wardad, you forgot some...

Comb, tomb, and bomb do not rhyme. Womb and doom do.

'ghoti' is pronounced 'fish' ('gh' from 'enough', 'o' from 'women', 'ti' from 'tion').

[EDIT - dang, two were already in there.]

[ August 04, 2003, 23:56: Message edited by: General Woundwort ]

[Gryphin]

I will never forget the day:
Third grade in New Jersey
I contradicted the teacher.
I told her that
dauwg does not rhyme with fog.

I got sent to the princibles office for being ...

[ August 04, 2003, 21:51: Message edited by: Gryphin ]