The Funniest Canadian Joke. [Archive]

tbontob

January 24th, 2003, 04:55 AM

Arkon, I looked at your site and it is interesting that this joke is an oldie and has been around a long time.

So, I am going to play devil's advocate. (My apologies to fellow-Canadians)

First, it is obvious that there an element of animosity in the joke against the Americans.

Secondly, it is told in such a way to make the Americans look stupid.

Why is this?

First let me say, that I perceive the American military in general and the navy in particular, as being in the top upper-percentile of professionalism.

So what is going on?

Let's look at the joke first. Assuming the right-of-way rules do not apply, it only makes sense that a lone ship should give way to an armada.

Much easier for a lone ship to change course than a fleet and maybe this is the way Americans sometimes percieve things. It is just logical that a sailing schooner should give way to the fleet rather than the other way around.

Yet many nations perceive the power of the U.S. as kind of a "big brother" and they are obligated to give way.

Someone once described Henry Kaiser as a friendly elephant leaning on him. Nations may view the U.S. in a similar fashion.

However, friendly the elephant, you do not want to make him angry! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

So, I suspect there is suppressed anger in having to "give way" to a superior force.

In the joke, the US fleet gives the impression that it is applying its strength to get its way in Canadian waters.

However reasonable it is that the "fishing schooner" should give way to a fleet which is understandably more difficult to maneuver than a fishing schooner, force is still being applied in Canadian waters against a "so-called" Canadian vessel.

And this angers many people of nations who find themselves on the wrong end of the appication of force, however friendly it is applied.

And this is something I think Americans miss. They are often perceived as applying force when they may be just trying to be friendly. Or maybe something in between, friendly force. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

So, the joke ends with the Americans making a fool of themselves. And it does is give Canadians a feeling of superiority. An unwarranted feeling of superiority perhaps, but it does relieve the tension which is the purpose of many jokes.

Americans should not take this joke to heart. We can love an older brother but dislike the times when we are pressured by him to do something.

With Canada having at most one-tenth the power of the U.S. it is a way of dealing with the power inequity and thereby relieve the tension.

Arkcon

January 24th, 2003, 05:03 AM

Originally posted by tbontob:
Arkon, I looked at your site and it is interesting that this joke is an oldie and has been around a long time.
Hey, I just find it interesting that these old jokes get morphed into urban legends, back to jokes, etc.

You can see from the site, sometimes its told with Americans on both sides.

It will always be hilarious. I think the Imperator has a better explanation, there are somethings people latch on as funny that are pretty wierd.

[ January 24, 2003, 03:14: Message edited by: Arkcon ]

Arkcon

January 24th, 2003, 05:12 AM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
That isn't really that funny. I guess people in Canada (or at least those on that tv station) have odd senses of humor.It's so strange you should say that, some group called Laugh Lab {their web page} (http://www.laughlab.co.uk/topByCountry.html) says this is the one that got the most votes from Canada

Top joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Which is also an UL, once developed the pen replaced the pencil on both US and Russian spacefights. It was less likely to break and send conductive particles floating into sensitive components, also it was less flammable in a rich oxygen environment.

All I can say is ... what is with those Belgians? Nothing personal, but that's a real old one guys. I know you can do better.

Fyron

January 24th, 2003, 05:13 AM

That joke was even less funny than the one Tbontob posted.

tbontob

January 24th, 2003, 05:17 AM

Arkcon, the pen/pencil joke was one of the runner ups on the Discovery Channel.

But again, it was designed to make the Americans look foolish.

Yet, the Americans were vindicated in the end if, it is as you say, the pen was used by the Russians. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Arkcon

January 24th, 2003, 05:18 AM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
That joke was even less funny than the one Tbontob posted.See... and the big winner world wide ...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Yeah, cute, but not hilarious. Have you checked out what's splitting sides in Belgum yet?

Fyron

January 24th, 2003, 05:21 AM

Some people just don't have very good senses of humor...

tbontob

January 24th, 2003, 05:22 AM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
Some people just don't have very good senses of humor...LOLROF http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Fyron

January 24th, 2003, 05:23 AM

See what I mean? That wasn't very funny, but it got Tbontob to roll on the floor laughing. I am no comedian.

tbontob

January 24th, 2003, 05:24 AM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
See what I mean? That wasn't very funny, but it got Tbontob to roll on the floor laughing. I am no comedian.And that was why I was laughing so hard! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

tbontob

January 24th, 2003, 05:26 AM

As a old Christian saying states, "Take the log out of your own eye first before complaining about the splinter in your neighbour."

You were complaining other people had no sense of humour and just verified you do not. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Fyron

January 24th, 2003, 05:26 AM

He is still grinning like an idiot. Maybe I am a comedian after all... nah...

tbontob

January 24th, 2003, 05:27 AM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
He is still grinning like an idiot. Maybe I am a comedian after all... nah...http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Fyron

January 24th, 2003, 05:27 AM

Originally posted by tbontob:
As a old Christian saying states, "Take the log out of your own eye first before complaining about the splinter in your neighbour."

You were complaining other people had no sense of humour and just verified you do not. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif Just because I didn't think 3 lame jokes were funny doesn't mean I don't have a sense of humor. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

tbontob

January 24th, 2003, 05:28 AM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by tbontob:
As a old Christian saying states, "Take the log out of your own eye first before complaining about the splinter in your neighbour."

You were complaining other people had no sense of humour and just verified you do not. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif Just because I didn't think 3 lame jokes were funny doesn't mean I don't have a sense of humor. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif <hr /></blockquote>It's a good start! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

DavidG

January 24th, 2003, 05:30 AM

Post your jokes here. Have Fyron tell you they're not funny. Eventually we'll figure out what passes for humour in CA, USA. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Fyron

January 24th, 2003, 05:31 AM

Ok... you are getting better with your alleged jokes. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif After all, I am the CA, USA authority on humor. Nothing is funny here unless I say it is.

[ January 24, 2003, 03:32: Message edited by: Imperator Fyron ]

tbontob

January 24th, 2003, 05:32 AM

Originally posted by DavidG:
Post your jokes here. Have Fyron tell you they're not funny. Eventually we'll figure out what passes for humour in CA, USA. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif LOLROF http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

You guys gotta stop this! Or I'll have a stroke!

Arkcon

January 24th, 2003, 05:41 AM

Boy, I was so excited with the laugh lab. I thought the jokes were going to be the funniest ever, and define humor, instead every single one was lame.

Did they just not poll the people with a sense of humor or what?

And what's with the Discovery Canada poll? Two top jokes are urban legends?

I mean, a joke should make you wonder what was said, and as you gradually piece it together, a glimmer enters your eye, and ROTHLMAO.

So, an Englishman, an Irishman, and an American are drinking in a pub. They're getting drunk, getting rowdy, and the bartender throws them out.

They go to the roof to get some air.

The Irishman says, "Les takka jog 'round the bbbuildn' to sober up"

The American says, "Let's fly around instead"

"You're on", says the Irishman.

As the ambulance wheels away the Irishman, the Englishman turns to the American and says,

"Your're a real jerk when you drink, you know that Superman"

[ January 24, 2003, 03:42: Message edited by: Arkcon ]

Fyron

January 24th, 2003, 05:42 AM

That was a little better...

Arkcon

January 24th, 2003, 05:43 AM

'Kay see, someone could point out the Superman was a Kryptonian not even a naturalized American citizen. They could say the Irishman shouldn't have fallen for it. Superman should have helped him, drunk or not. I could be said that it's sad the Irishman got hurt. Can Superman get drunk? Alcoholisim is a disease. Heck, they could point out that in Superman the Movie, much of it was filmed in Canada.

But they know, that everyone knows that already.

The joke is the unreal, presented as the real, almost convincingly.

The lighthose works in that way, the space pen doesn't. And flaming ducks? What does that just get pronounced funny in Belgian or something?

[ January 24, 2003, 03:50: Message edited by: Arkcon ]

tbontob

January 24th, 2003, 05:44 AM

Yes Arkcon they polled the people.

Every joke you have presented so far was a joke to be voted on. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

tbontob

January 24th, 2003, 05:45 AM

Well, not polled. People wrote, e-mailed etc their selection.

tbontob

January 24th, 2003, 05:46 AM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
That was a little better...Is that a slight crack of a smile? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Fyron

January 24th, 2003, 05:47 AM

No, as it was only slightly better.

3 Posts in a row... use the edit button more often. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

tbontob

January 24th, 2003, 05:49 AM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
No, as it was only slightly better.

3 Posts in a row... use the edit button more often. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif Oh, don't be such a fuddy-duddy! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Fyron

January 24th, 2003, 05:55 AM

I'll duddy all the fuds I want to.

tbontob

January 24th, 2003, 05:57 AM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
I'll duddy all the fuds I want to.LOLROF http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Yes, I guess you will. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

tbontob

January 24th, 2003, 05:59 AM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
I'll duddy all the fuds I want to.I would just recommend you not say that too openly. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Fyron

January 24th, 2003, 06:00 AM

Am I missing something here? I assumed those were made-up nonsense words. They may be real words, but would still be nonsense (like fair progressive tax).

tbontob

January 24th, 2003, 06:02 AM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
Am I missing something here? I assumed those were made-up nonsense words. They may be real words, but would still be nonsense (like fair progressive tax).No they were not. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Ragnarok

January 24th, 2003, 06:07 AM

LOL! This has been one great thread let me tell you. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif I got to post a joke now to see if I can make Fyron laugh. He probably is dying over these jokes but just isn't busting to make us look like fools. Right Fyron? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif
Here it goes.....This joke is a polock joke but no offense to any polish people out there today. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

I was watching the news today and a news flash came across the screen and reported a bad air plane crash in poland early this morning. It was a little Sessna(sp?) 2 seater plane with a full crew complement of 2 people. Suddenly something went wrong and the plane crashed into a cemetary. They started questioning a polish police officer about the crash. Here is what was said: "How are things going in your search for the bodies of the pilot?" asked the news reporter.
"Not so good I'm afraid. So far we have found over 300 bodies and expect to find more as digging continues.

The end...
Sad thing was they never found the Pilot. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
So Fyron, how'd it do?

DavidG

January 24th, 2003, 06:34 AM

Originally posted by Ragnarok:
LOL! This has been one great thread let me tell you. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif I got to post a joke now to see if I can make Fyron laugh. He probably is dying over these jokes but just isn't busting to make us look like fools. Right Fyron? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif
Here it goes.....This joke is a polock joke but no offense to any polish people out there today. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

I was watching the news today and a news flash came across the screen and reported a bad air plane crash in poland early this morning. It was a little Sessna(sp?) 2 seater plane with a full crew complement of 2 people. Suddenly something went wrong and the plane crashed into a cemetary. They started questioning a polish police officer about the crash. Here is what was said: "How are things going in your search for the bodies of the pilot?" asked the news reporter.
"Not so good I'm afraid. So far we have found over 300 bodies and expect to find more as digging continues.

The end...
Sad thing was they never found the Pilot. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
So Fyron, how'd it do?Well let's see 3 funny ones Fyron found not funny then a lame one he found a bit funny. Since this one is truly lame he'll probably find it really funny. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

Ragnarok

January 24th, 2003, 06:40 AM

Well let's see 3 funny ones Fyron found not funny then a lame one he found a bit funny. Since this one is truly lame he'll probably find it really funny.I know it's lame that's why I posted it.
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif I figured same as you did, if what we find as truely lame he surely has to think it's funny.
But before I hit the sack for the night one Last joke, I just found it on the bob and tom website and thought it was an ok joke.

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their Last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your Last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

Ok, so I am going to post two instead, so what...

Q - What did George Washington say to his men just before they got on the boat?
A - Men, get on the boat.

Ok, I'm done... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

So they aren't the best jokes but I'm trying ot see what kind of humor gets Fyron to laugh.

tesco samoa

January 24th, 2003, 07:03 AM

Old one and a good one... posted it a few years back on the G&G thread

The Queen and the Pope are on the same stage. Huge crowd. The Queen and His Holiness however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, Her Majesty says to his Holiness, "Pope, did you know, that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in this crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him, and sure enough the little royal gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every pommie in the crowd. Gradually it subsides.

His Holiness, not wishing to be outdone by a woman, who incidentally is wearing a worse frock and hat than he is, thinks to himself, what am I to do. Then it dawns on him. "Your Majesty, that was impressive, but did you
know that with one nod of my head I can make every Australian in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but this joy will go deep to their hearts, and they will talk
of it and rejoice for months."

The Queen seriously doubts this .. "One little nod of your head, and all the Australians are joyous for a week? Show me."

So the Pope head butts her.

tesco samoa

January 24th, 2003, 07:07 AM

California: By 30, Our Women Have More PLastic Than Your Honda

Greater Los Angeles Area Driver's License Application

Name: _______________ Stage name: ________________

Agent: ______________ Attorney: __________________

Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male
___formerly female ___both

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely
operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: __________________
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please indicate activities you perform while driving:
Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety magazine
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times
a) You expect to shoot at other drivers: _____
b) How many times you expect to be shot at while driving: _____

Please indicate your number of therapy sessions per week: ____

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
If none, please explain: _______________________________

What is the length of your daily commute?
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

TEST (Please indicate the correct answer):

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your
car on TV in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss a lawsuit against the cellular
phone company for your 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

In the event of an earthquake, you should:
a) Stop your car
b) Keep driving and hope for the best
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the event of rain, you should:
a) Never drive over 5 MPH
b) Drive twice as fast as usual
c) You're not sure what "rain" is

When stopped by police, you should:
a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405
c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack,
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit

Please turn your test in to the lady behind the bulletproof
virtual window on your left.

Kamog

January 24th, 2003, 08:20 AM

An old joke that's been around for a while...

McDonald's fast-food establishment actual job application
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM! Enjoy.

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA! But seriously, whatever's available. If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising

couslee

January 24th, 2003, 10:40 AM

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for
about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil necked nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him a horse ****.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...

Fyron

January 24th, 2003, 10:52 AM

Rags' jokes were just plain bad taste.

Tesco's were pretty funny.

Kamog's was kinda funny. It could have been better.

Couslee's is just plain wrong, and not funny at all.

This has been your official report on the California Humor Compliancy of this thread.

primitive

January 24th, 2003, 11:49 AM

Tesco, I love that queen and pope joke http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif
The key to a good joke is the suprise ending.

Here is a classic:
There's a Scottish old timer, in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.." Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..." Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya f*** one goat . . . "

couslee

January 24th, 2003, 12:55 PM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
Couslee's is just plain wrong, and not funny at all.LOL. must have got you good to prompt such a rating. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

geoschmo

January 24th, 2003, 03:19 PM

A young married couple decided they wanted to join the local church. This was an obscure denomination in which the minister had a peculier restriction for new members. As a test of their comittment they were required to abstain from sexual relations for a period of one month.

The couple had not been married long and were very attracted to each other, but they were eager to be a part of the community so they agreed. At the end of the month the minister called them into his office to ask them if they passed the test.

"Well preacher, I'll tell you," the husband began sheepishly. "we did allright for the first couple weeks. But the other day we were getting some food and I walked up behind her and saw her bent over getting some frozen vegatables. I tried to resist but the urge was too great. I had to have her and she felt the same way. I took her right there on the floor in front of the freezer."

"Well my son," the minister said disapointedly. "I am afraid that you have failed the test and will not be permitted to join our congregation."

"I understand, and I don't blame you at all. They won't let us back in the supermarket either."

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Ragnarok

January 24th, 2003, 05:38 PM

woohoo! I got one of the worst Ratings possible! That's what I was going for. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif But I know they were lame, I just had to try them out. I got a couple more.

This Pirate walks into a bar with a steering.............Sorry, I had to do it.
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

Ok, here we go seriously...

"Mafia Christmas
A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again...."

And...

Two guys are going camping. After they had reached the base camp and had set it up, one of the guys says "I gotta take a dump! Where do I go?"
"Go around the corner there, behind those trees and do it."
"Okay."
So the guy is gone for about 10 minutes, all of a sudden he remembers that he didn't bring any toilet paper. So he yells at the other guy for some TP but to no avail, the two didn't

have any at all.
"What do you mean "We don't have any?"
"Just what I said, quit your whining and use some leaves or grass or something!"
"There isn't any!!"
"Well use some rocks or maybe a pine cone!"
"There isn't any!!"
"Well... Have you got a dollar?"
"Yeah" (Somewhat confused)
"Well use that then, geez!"
Another 10 minutes go by and the man emerges from the trees, with crap all the way up to his elbows.
"What the HELL happened??!!"
"Have you ever tried to wipe your *** with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel?"

Ragnarok

January 24th, 2003, 05:39 PM

Found a couple more, I'm done until later tonight. I find these rather funny but I doubt Fyron will. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened.

He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A.

And...

starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up

[ January 24, 2003, 15:40: Message edited by: Ragnarok ]

Wardad

January 24th, 2003, 06:43 PM

Do you know an arse from an elbow? Take the quiz.

http://www.assotron.com/arse-or-elbow/

[ January 24, 2003, 16:50: Message edited by: Wardad ]

David E. Gervais

January 24th, 2003, 06:47 PM

Have any of you ever heard of the '**** List'? It can be kind of personal, but here it is, see how many on the list stir your memories..

1) The Lincoln Log (It's big and it floats!)
2) The Phantom **** (You felt it come out, you heard it splash, but when you look, it's nowhere to be seen!)
3) The Peek-a-boo **** (Every time you strain, it peeks out, but when you stop straining to breath it hides back in!)
4) The Brain-hemorage through your nose **** (..and it's not called blushing!)
5) The Super snake (also known as the spiral ****!)
6) The Memorable **** (So strange, big or unique that you need a witness!)
7) The Popcorn **** (you know plop, plop no fizz oh what a relief it is!)
8) The Niagra **** (aka the liquid ****!)
9) The Kodak **** (similar to the Memorable **** but you grab a camera because no-one is around!)
10) The Air **** (It's when you spend a half hour on the bowl farting!)
11) The Oxigen Deprivation **** (It stinks so much you have trouble breathing!)
12) The TNT **** (The one that litterly blows out of you in a matter of seconds, often associated with the 'liquid ****'!)
13) The Alien **** (Often recognized by it's strange yellow/green color! Are babies aliens?)
14) The Drain Blocker (The one you have to chop up in order to get it to flush!)

If you know of any missing '****' that should be on the list feel free to add to it!

I bet Fyron is Laughing so hard now that he's crying. Like I said this list can be very personal, RIght Fyron? LOL http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[ January 24, 2003, 16:52: Message edited by: David Gervais ]

kalthalior

January 24th, 2003, 07:41 PM

Not terribly PC, and with apologies to blondes out there ... the Seven Degrees of Blondes

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One
notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the
first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's
me!"

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on
her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state
capitols. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told
her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA
freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to
find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the
radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

kalthalior

January 24th, 2003, 07:50 PM

Couldn't resist adding these little gems.

WARNING: You are about to enter into the bad pun zone. Enter at your own risk!

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But
when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One
went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his
dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they
asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I
can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun
contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

David E. Gervais

January 24th, 2003, 09:28 PM

Can You Get Married in Heaven?

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer....for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

jimbob

January 24th, 2003, 09:34 PM

Evidently this one is pretty popular with the Brits:

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I have a strawberry suck up my bum!

Doctor: Oh, that's alright, I've got some cream for that.

Badum bum tcha!

Kaladaar

January 24th, 2003, 10:10 PM

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies,"Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says," A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

Kaladaar

January 24th, 2003, 11:58 PM

There was an Asian lady who married an English gentleman and moved to London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. So she brought her husband to the store...because he spoke English.

Kaladaar

January 25th, 2003, 12:02 AM

A baby was born so advanced in development he could talk.

He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

"Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Why, yes, I am," said the doctor. The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"

"Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father proudly answered. The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. "Hurts ........ doesn't it!"

Wanderer

January 25th, 2003, 12:27 AM

I like this one:

Three Irishmen and three Englishmen were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Englishmen each bought tickets and watched as the three Irishmen bought only a single ticket. How are three people going to travel on only one ticket asked an Englishman? Watch and you'll see, answered the Irishmen.

They all boarded the train. The Englishmen took their respective seats but all three Irishmen crammed into a restroom and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, Ticket, please. The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The Englishmen saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the Englishmen decided to copy the Irishmen (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Irishmen didn't buy a ticket at all. How are you going to travel without a ticket? asked one perplexed Englishman. Watch and you'll see, answered one of the Irishmen. When they boarded the train the three Englishmen crammed into a restroom and the three Irishmen crammed into another one nearby.

The train departed. Immediately afterward (before the conductor made his rounds), one of the Irishmen left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the Englishmen were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, Ticket, please..."

tbontob

January 25th, 2003, 04:08 AM

These are really funny jokes. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

What do you think Fyron? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Fyron?

Fyron?

Where are yooooouuuuuuuuu????? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Ragnarok

January 25th, 2003, 04:26 AM

Originally posted by tbontob:
These are really funny jokes. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

What do you think Fyron? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Fyron?

Fyron?

Where are yooooouuuuuuuuu????? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif I've hardly seen him today. Very unusual! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

tesco samoa

January 25th, 2003, 07:05 AM

jimbob http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

it is most likely posted here

but again... a nice joke

A couple of Cali hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

tesco samoa

January 25th, 2003, 07:07 AM

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

That is a good one

tesco samoa

January 25th, 2003, 07:14 AM

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

Poor Couple
A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.''
The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''

The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''

TEXAN: "Where are you from?"

HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

TEXAN: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"

Fyron

January 25th, 2003, 09:42 AM

Due to the massive state budget defecit created by our Democrat friend Gray Davis, the California Humor Compliancy Commission no longer receives any funding. We will no longer be able to spend the time and money required to analyze and rate your jokes.

Kamog

January 25th, 2003, 10:58 AM

Some of these jokes are really good! I'll try to remember some of them so I can tell them to my friends! Thanks for posting these. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Fyron

January 25th, 2003, 11:41 AM

Yes, some are. Some are terrible. But do to lack of funding, we can no longer help you to see the truth.

Fyron

January 25th, 2003, 11:52 AM

Originally posted by tesco samoa:
jimbob http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

it is most likely posted here

but again... a nice joke

A couple of Cali hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"I fail to see why that has to be about californians. People all over the US (and in many countries) are like that these days...

David E. Gervais

January 25th, 2003, 01:03 PM

Aaah, Fyron! I was sure that the '**** List' would have at least made you smile! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif Here's a 1000 Mineral donation so that you can rate it!

Cheers!

tbontob

January 25th, 2003, 01:33 PM

How about a fyronometer to rate our jokes?

F <==funny http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif
y <==yes, somewhat funny, but needs a bit of work. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
r <==run that by me again? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif
o <==only the mentally deficient will see this as being funny. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif
n <==nope, no way Hose. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif

Rating Fyrons response for the first three jokes, I get:

n for the lighthouse joke http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif
n for the pen/pencil joke http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif
o for the drunk superman joke http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif

Using the fyronometer scale to rate my own funny bone, it would be:
f for the lighthouse joke
f for the pen/pencil joke
y for the drunk superman joke

What do you guys think?

primitive

January 25th, 2003, 01:58 PM

Back to the Canadian theme, here's one for the Fyronometer.

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, EU decided to do their own study. After �250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Canadians, dissatisfied with both these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of the quivalent of a crate of beer they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Edit: Twas an old joke, just upgraded a little.

[ January 25, 2003, 12:41: Message edited by: primitive ]

primitive

January 25th, 2003, 03:26 PM

tbontob: The Fyronometer deserves a F all by itself http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Going for an O with this one:

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?". "No. What did that stupid **** do this time?", says the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole", says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the little ****er because he's been driving me nuts", says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ***, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "What now?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a grape up his ***, then pulled it out and ate it", says the barkeeper.
"Well, what did you expect?", replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

tbontob

January 25th, 2003, 06:12 PM

Primitive http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

I am now bit confused about my humor. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Esthetically, it deserves a "O". http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif It is not a joke for mixed company, although I have met some ladies who have told the most ribald of jokes.

But it hits my funny bone and on my fyronometer deserves an "F"

Others may think not the joke but me personally belongs the in the O Category as being "mentally deficient"! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

primitive

January 25th, 2003, 06:29 PM

tbontob:

Thy certainly knows thyself http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Ragnarok

January 25th, 2003, 07:56 PM

Primitive, your jokes so far have got a F on my scale. Very good ones. I got alot that I can post and will probably do so later. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

tesco samoa

January 25th, 2003, 08:50 PM

Ahhh sorry I thought it was make fun of Cal A 4 NA

Sorry.

Fyron you becomeing right wing or something.

Or have you always been right wing... ( Not that there is much of a difference in USA Politics between the big two )...

Fyron

January 25th, 2003, 11:02 PM

The Republican and Democratic parties are nearly centrist in this day and age, really. There was a time when Republicans were liberals and Democrats where conservatives. Then they switched. Now, they get closer and closer to the middle every year. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

I personally don't really fit on the political scale. I have conservative views on some things, liberal views on others.

You guys are insane, making some sort of joke scale out of my name. Sheesh. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

[ January 25, 2003, 21:03: Message edited by: Imperator Fyron ]

tbontob

January 25th, 2003, 11:39 PM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:

You guys are insane, making some sort of joke scale out of my name. Sheesh. Fyron, you should be thanking us. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

I mean, just wait till this hits the comedy circuits. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

You'll be famous! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Stand up comedians will be using the fyronometer as the standard by which they can judge the quality of their jokes. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Audiences will now have a standard as to whether they should applaud or throw vegetables at the comedian. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

You'll be famous for being the progenitor of the fyronometer! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

And just think, if you would have picked "Byron" or "Myron" none of this would have happened. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Because by picking "Fyron", you are ultimately responsible for what happened! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

(tbontob is LOLROF as he realizes he is avoiding responsibility for his own actions.)

tbontob

January 26th, 2003, 12:11 AM

Originally posted by primitive:
tbontob:

Thy certainly knows thyself http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif Yes, being "nutso" can be so much fun! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Fyron

January 26th, 2003, 12:30 AM

Why do some people insist on always posting multiple times in a row? It is quite easy to put it all in one post...

tbontob

January 26th, 2003, 12:38 AM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
Why do some people insist on always posting multiple times in a row? It is quite easy to put it all in one post...Trying to respond to two different people with two different topics in one post can be confusing to the readers. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Also, it is just easier to respond to the posting of each person! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Some people call me lazy! Yep, that I am! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

And maybe....

No, I shouldn't say it.

But...

No, don't.

Yes, but I...

tbontob, don't!!!

And maybe it is just "bait" to catch Fyron. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Grooooaaaaaaaannnnnnnnn. You had to say it. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

Fyron

January 26th, 2003, 12:41 AM

It is not at all confusing to anyone I have ever talked with.

Open a second window to copy the quoted stuff from into your post.

A new quote implies a new topic of conversation (or a variation on the current topic).

tbontob

January 26th, 2003, 12:49 AM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
It is not at all confusing to anyone I have ever talked with.

Open a second window to copy the quoted stuff from into your post.

A new quote implies a new topic of conversation (or a variation on the current topic).Like: http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

1) open a "Post A Reply Window" with the quote.
2) copy it (control-C)
3) Open a second "Post a Reply Window" with another quote.
4) Paste the copy of the first window into the second with control-V

EDIT: But both responses do add something so that can be a variation of the topic. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Anyways, I have done my good deed for the day. Edited a post instead of posting a new one. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

RE-EDIT: Like if I hadn't used the "edit button", I would have posted 2 in a row! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

RE-RE-EDIT If the two quotes, were put in the same posting you may mistakenly assume they deal with the same topic. But they do not!

So, doing a separate posting, puts the reader "on notice" that different sub-topics within the main topic of the thread are being referred to.

RE-RE-RE-EDIT of the forgoing paragraph.

[ January 25, 2003, 23:12: Message edited by: tbontob ]

Kaladaar

January 26th, 2003, 01:43 AM

The sky was dark, the moon was high
All alone, Just her and I
Her hair so soft, her eyes so blue
I knew just what she wanted to do
Her skin so soft, her legs so fine
I ran my fingers down her spine
I didn't know how, but I tried my best
To place my hand upon her breasts
I remember my fear, my fast beating heart
But slowly she spread her legs apart
And when she did it, I felt no shame
All at once, the white stuff came
At Last it's finished, it's all over now
My first time ever, milking a cow!

Krsqk

January 26th, 2003, 01:48 AM

Seen recently on a Donato's Pizza billboard:

"The 100 pepperoni pizza...Why, that's like 150 in Canada."

tbontob

January 26th, 2003, 02:03 AM

Originally posted by primitive:
Back to the Canadian theme, here's one for the Fyronometer.

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Canadians, dissatisfied with both these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of the quivalent of a crate of beer they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.That's an "f" on my fyronometer! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

tbontob

January 26th, 2003, 02:36 AM

Originally posted by Krsqk:
Seen recently on a Donato's Pizza billboard:

"The 100 pepperoni pizza...Why, that's like 150 in Canada."Oh I wish, I wish. With the exchange rate, it is more likely to be 60. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif

But I see your point, when you are used to 60, a 100 will seem like 150. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Arkcon

January 26th, 2003, 03:09 AM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:

You guys are insane, making some sort of joke scale out of my name. Sheesh. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif Brought to you by the same crowd that once accused you of being an extraterrestrial

David E. Gervais

January 26th, 2003, 03:21 AM

..it depends on what side of the fence you're on,.. 100cdn = about 60US, but 100US is about 150cdn!

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Fyron

January 26th, 2003, 03:27 AM

RE-RE-EDIT If the two quotes, were put in the same posting you may mistakenly assume they deal with the same topic. But they do not!

So, doing a separate posting, puts the reader "on notice" that different sub-topics within the main topic of the thread are being referred to.
No, it does not. Everyone I have ever talked to about stuff like this is quite capable of distinguishing when new topics begin. All you are doing with the multiple Posts is padding your post count, and making it more annoying to read.

primitive

January 26th, 2003, 03:29 AM

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to some of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills.
Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. The Klansmen walk off.
As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one. "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"

tbontob

January 26th, 2003, 04:22 AM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />RE-RE-EDIT If the two quotes, were put in the same posting you may mistakenly assume they deal with the same topic. But they do not!

So, doing a separate posting, puts the reader "on notice" that different sub-topics within the main topic of the thread are being referred to.
No, it does not. Everyone I have ever talked to about stuff like this is quite capable of distinguishing when new topics begin. All you are doing with the multiple Posts is padding your post count, and making it more annoying to read.<hr /></blockquote>Really?

tbontob

January 26th, 2003, 04:23 AM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />RE-RE-EDIT If the two quotes, were put in the same posting you may mistakenly assume they deal with the same topic. But they do not!

So, doing a separate posting, puts the reader "on notice" that different sub-topics within the main topic of the thread are being referred to.
No, it does not. Everyone I have ever talked to about stuff like this is quite capable of distinguishing when new topics begin. All you are doing with the multiple Posts is padding your post count, and making it more annoying to read.<hr /></blockquote>Was I doing that?

tbontob

January 26th, 2003, 04:23 AM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />RE-RE-EDIT If the two quotes, were put in the same posting you may mistakenly assume they deal with the same topic. But they do not!

So, doing a separate posting, puts the reader "on notice" that different sub-topics within the main topic of the thread are being referred to.
No, it does not. Everyone I have ever talked to about stuff like this is quite capable of distinguishing when new topics begin. All you are doing with the multiple Posts is padding your post count, and making it more annoying to read.<hr /></blockquote>I didn't know I was doing that! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

tbontob

January 26th, 2003, 04:25 AM

Primitive, that was a good one! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Kaladaar

January 26th, 2003, 07:22 AM

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

Three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves......she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts!

She says,...............................
"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"

Fyron

January 26th, 2003, 08:26 AM

tbontob, please stop making this thread harder to read with so many Posts in a row (esp. ones that don't have anything of substance in them).

tbontob

January 26th, 2003, 08:30 AM

Fyron, lighten up! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

We can't be serious every moment of the day.

It lightens the heart to have fun. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

tbontob

January 26th, 2003, 08:33 AM

Besides, you don't "have" to read this thread if you do not want to. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

But, I will try.

But my natural playfulness, may result in a slip or two...
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

tesco samoa

January 27th, 2003, 01:37 AM

i do it as well... So I am guilty...

Double and triple Posts...

Fyron

January 27th, 2003, 02:28 AM

Shame on the both of you. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

tbontob

January 27th, 2003, 03:07 AM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
Shame on the both of you. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif Hate to say this Fyron, but I know you are guilty of the occasional double post! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

And maybe even the triple post? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Maybe the "shame" pointing finger is pointing in the wrong direction. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Kamog

January 27th, 2003, 03:40 AM

Sometimes you need to double post if the thread has moved down far in the list, and you have a new thought that you want to mention. If you just edit your previous post, it will not bump the thread up to the top, so people may not know that you added something. Of course, this is only necessary if there's a long time gap between the first post and the second post.

Fyron

January 27th, 2003, 09:36 AM

Originally posted by tbontob:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
Shame on the both of you. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif Hate to say this Fyron, but I know you are guilty of the occasional double post! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

And maybe even the triple post? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Maybe the "shame" pointing finger is pointing in the wrong direction. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif <hr /></blockquote>Tbontob, the only time I do that is to bump a post that needs bumping, or if a long period of time has passed between the Posts (a few minutes to an hour does not qualify as a long time). http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

Arkcon

January 27th, 2003, 04:01 PM

Originally posted by minipol:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Arkcon:

All I can say is ... what is with those Belgians? Nothing personal, but that's a real old one guys. I know you can do better.Hey, don't mess with us Belgians! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
I personaly find it funny. It just seems that every people likes jokes that make fun of another people but when it makes fun of their own country, they don't find it funny anymore.
[Edit] We have the American - Canadian thing here to with Belgium and the Netherlands. We have the same jokes, when they tell them, the Belgians are the stupid ones and when we tell them, the Dutch arethe stupid. Some of those jokes are also reaaally old and not so funny but somehow, they are kept alive<hr /></blockquote>I was waiting for someone from Europe to weigh in on that. I mean, really:

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

is a real old one. I'm sure I heard it in kindergarten. I say again, does that just sound funny in French with a German accent or what?

At least this one is cool in a surreal way:

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
�Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.�
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: �There are only nine words here. You could send another �Woof� for the same price.�
�But,� the dog replied, �that would make no sense at all.�

primitive

January 27th, 2003, 04:26 PM

Arcon:
A Telegraph office, that must be a really new joke, I think the Last one closed about 40 Years ago.
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

A Man goes into a pub. Under his arm is a large box, which he places on the bar and opens. Inside is a tiny little man playing a piano. He plays beautifully, pop music, classics and jazz. Everyone in the pub falls silent and gathers round to watch this astonishing phenomenon. - “Where did you find him?” asks the publican. - “Well, I was beachcombing the other day when I came upon a rusty old fashioned lamp. I rubbed at it to try to clear off some of the barnacles and weed, and a genie leapt out and offered me any wish I cared to name” . - “I’d love to have a go at that” says the publican, “can you give me directions so that I can find the rusty lamp?” - ”Sure" . A week later, the man with the box under his arm returns to the pub, pushes open the door and is astonished when he sees the change the pub has undergone in the space of one short week. Everywhere he looks; there are thousands of ducks - some in china, some papier mache, some wood some metal, in all kinds of colors, shapes and designs. - “Well, the pub looks fantastic” he says to the publican, “but tell me, did you go down to the beach and find that rusty lamp.” - “I certainly did” replies the publican, “Your directions were very clear. I found the lamp, rubbed it, and - just as you described, out leapt the genie. One thing, though - I think he’s a little hard of hearing, because I didn’t ask him for masses of fantastic ducks” - “I know what you mean. I didn’t ask him for a 12-inch pianist either”.

Growltigger

January 27th, 2003, 04:33 PM

Imagine the scene, it HM the Queen's Birthday and the Coldstream Guards are marshalled in serried ranks in full dress uniform before the gates of Buckingham Palace.

The Regimental Sergeant Major is marching down the ranks, inspecting the troops and making sure that their full dress uniform is absolutely tip top.

The Queen's cavalcade is rapidly approaching as the RSM gets to the third rank. He is amazed to see a 7 foot tall Zulu warrior standing proudly in the ranks, resplendant with assegai, rhinoceros hide shield, leopard skin thong and armbands, ostrich plumes in his hair and lion-tooth necklace.

The RSM is flabberghasted and says, "How the hell did you get into the Coldstream Guards?" and the Zulu says "I lied about my age".

tbontob

January 27th, 2003, 05:12 PM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by tbontob:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
Shame on the both of you. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif Hate to say this Fyron, but I know you are guilty of the occasional double post! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

And maybe even the triple post? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Maybe the "shame" pointing finger is pointing in the wrong direction. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif <hr /></blockquote>Tbontob, the only time I do that is to bump a post that needs bumping, or if a long period of time has passed between the Posts (a few minutes to an hour does not qualify as a long time). http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif <hr /></blockquote>No Fyron, fess up! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

I've seen your double Posts and there was no, and I repeat no, bumping.

Hmmm. Should I repeat the "no bumping" part for emphasis? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Time to admit you are just as mortal as the rest of us. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Growltigger

January 27th, 2003, 06:04 PM

This thread is headed "The Funniest Canadian Joke" so logically, isn't it meant to be relative to what our Canadian posters find amusing, and that any judgment as to the humour content of any alledged comical story posted on this thread has to be subjectively assessed by those forum posters who lurk north of the border?

Which, in turn, means that neither I (posting from God's own earth, land of the free etc England) or Imperator Fyron (being a Californian and therefore not qualified to opine on humour at all) nor any other non-moose-kissing poster is entitled to comment on the laugh quotient of any post in this thread.

Canadians of the world, stop fiddling with your bits, put down that moose and tell us what makes you really laugh

BadAxe

January 27th, 2003, 06:17 PM

Why do Canadians make love doggie style?

So they can both watch Hockey Night in Canada!

Growltigger

January 27th, 2003, 06:19 PM

Q Why do Canadians bonk Moose on the edge of cliffs??

A So the Moose pushes back harder!!

Q What do you call a Canadian with more than 1 girlfriend?

A A Moose herder

Q What does a Canadian girl say after making love?

A You all in the same hockey team then?

Q What do you call 50 Americans falling off the edge of a cliff?

A A damn good start

Q What is the difference between a washing machine and a Canadian girl?

A The washing machine doesnt follow you round for hours after you have stuffed your load in it

[ January 27, 2003, 16:22: Message edited by: growltigger ]

Krsqk

January 27th, 2003, 07:44 PM

tbontob

January 27th, 2003, 08:01 PM

Originally posted by Krsqk:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />This thread is headed "The Funniest Canadian Joke" so logically, isn't it meant to be relative to what our Canadian posters find amusing, and that any judgment as to the humour content of any alledged comical story posted on this thread has to be subjectively assessed by those forum posters who lurk north of the border?No, I thought it was for the funniest jokes about Canadians. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif <hr /></blockquote>"lurk"? Did you say "lurk"? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

We Canadians do not "lurk" or "skulk" about in the night. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

We are renowned for our openness and friendliness.

I mean if we are in a foreign country and as soon as the resident discovers we are not Americans, his demeanour changes from a sulky hostility to friendliness.

Doesn't that prove we are open and friendly? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

All kidding aside, I love your jokes!

And while the topic implies it is about jokes that Canadians find funny, we Canadians do not like to discriminate.

So, the more 'Canadian' jokes the better! Most of them are hilarious.

But if most people find a joke funny and we Canadians don't, it is time to ask why we don't. <==tbontob nudges Fyron. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Growltigger

January 27th, 2003, 08:12 PM

A Canadian lad from Manitoba marries a young girl from a neighbouring town. On his wedding night, he is appalled to find out that she is a virgin.

He immediately packs his bags and jumps in his pick-up and drives back to his parents.

His father and mother ask him why he has come home on his wedding night, rather than whooping it up with his new bride. Our erstwhile hero announces that he is traumatised because his new bride is a virgin.

"Damn" says his dad, "you did the right thing son, if she isn't good enough for her own family, she certainly ain't good enough for ours"

primitive

January 27th, 2003, 08:20 PM

So it's only Canadian jokes then.

But when we run out of these, maybee this could be another namechanging thread.
The Funniest American Joke
The Funniest Computer Joke
The Funniest SEIV Joke
-- A Phong, A Drushocka and Xiati walks into a bar.....
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Ragnarok

January 27th, 2003, 08:37 PM

Originally posted by primitive:

-- A Phong, A Drushocka and Xiati walks into a bar.....
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif .....And the Norak ducks... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[ January 27, 2003, 18:40: Message edited by: Ragnarok ]

Wardad

January 27th, 2003, 09:01 PM

Originally posted by Ragnarok:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by primitive:

-- A Phong, A Drushocka and Xiati walks into a bar.....
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif .....And the Norak ducks... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif <hr /></blockquote>Ok,
-- A Phong, A Drushocka and Xiati walks into a cantina.....

primitive

January 27th, 2003, 09:21 PM

-- A Phong, A Drushocka and Xiati walks into the cantina.....

The bartender (Taz) takes one look at them and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?!?!?"

minipol

January 28th, 2003, 02:27 AM

Originally posted by Arkcon:

All I can say is ... what is with those Belgians? Nothing personal, but that's a real old one guys. I know you can do better.Hey, don't mess with us Belgians! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
I personaly find it funny. It just seems that every people likes jokes that make fun of another people but when it makes fun of their own country, they don't find it funny anymore.
[Edit] We have the American - Canadian thing here to with Belgium and the Netherlands. We have the same jokes, when they tell them, the Belgians are the stupid ones and when we tell them, the Dutch arethe stupid. Some of those jokes are also reaaally old and not so funny but somehow, they are kept alive

[ January 27, 2003, 12:37: Message edited by: minipol ]

Wardad

January 28th, 2003, 03:22 PM

In Canada, Moosehead is a beer.
In USA, it is misdemeanor.

[ January 28, 2003, 19:46: Message edited by: Wardad ]

tbontob

January 28th, 2003, 05:33 PM

Originally posted by Wardad:
In Canada, Moosehead is a beer.
In USA, it is misdemeaner.IIRC the moose is the largest deer in the deer family.

It can weigh almost a ton and Canada has a lot of them.

The numbers of moose in Canada may be one of the causes of all the "Canadian" moose jokes. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

IIRC, one province has more moose than people.

Anybody care to venture which province that is?

David E. Gervais

January 28th, 2003, 11:31 PM

..I'm an english speaking Canadian living in Quebec,.. I have the right to remain silent, anything I say can and will be used against me by the Language Police. I have the right to an atourny, if I can not afford one a unilingual french speaking avocat will be provided for me...

I read this somewhere way back, I find it really funny. Personally I'm bilingual so I don't have this kind of problem, My problem is that the french think I speak with an english accent and the english think I speak with a french accent! Probably because I throw in words from both Languages and this confuses them! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Nuf said! Cheers!

Arkcon

January 29th, 2003, 12:13 AM

Originally posted by David Gervais:
My problem is that the french think I speak with an english accent and the english think I speak with a french accent! Probably because I throw in words from both Languages and this confuses them! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Nuf said! Cheers!Oh that is too funny, I'm trying to picture the average conversation in my head.

Once I was making random calls to component vendors, and one was located in (pronounced) mOn-rA-'[a']l -- the nice receptionist lady answers the phone, "Hello, Bounjour", and I was stunned for a second or two.

thinks"She said hello twice ... am I supposed to greet her back twice? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif "

[ January 28, 2003, 22:23: Message edited by: Arkcon ]

Arkcon

January 29th, 2003, 12:21 AM

So, why wasn't Jesus Christ born in Italy?

They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

I told this to my father and sister, and they both said, "Nothing in that joke is specific to Italians, you could have put any nationality there, why are you dumping on ours?"

I told my mother, and she looked at me puzzled for 3 seconds, then put down the iron, put her head on the ironing board, and laughed hilariously for a solid minute.

Some people have more fun just being a contrarion. That's their choice. But if something could be funny, you should give it a chance to move you.

tbontob

January 29th, 2003, 12:52 AM

Originally posted by David Gervais:
..I'm an english speaking Canadian living in Quebec,.. I have the right to remain silent, anything I say can and will be used against me by the Language Police. I have the right to an atourny, if I can not afford one a unilingual french speaking avocat will be provided for me...

I read this somewhere way back, I find it really funny. Personally I'm bilingual so I don't have this kind of problem, My problem is that the french think I speak with an english accent and the english think I speak with a french accent! Probably because I throw in words from both Languages and this confuses them! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Nuf said! Cheers!So, you are condemned by both and have friends with neither? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

tbontob

January 29th, 2003, 01:31 AM

Originally posted by tbontob:
So, you are condemned by both and have friends with neither? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif [/QB]Ooops. David, I did not in any way mean to imply you friendless.

I type so fast that sometimes, my brain lags behind my fingers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Personally, I have not experienced the discrimination in Quebec. Do you live in Montreal which has a significant "English" speaking population?

Anyways, it is interesting that most of the population in Quebec speak English and French. Yet my impression is that people are labelled to be in one camp or the other.

What I thought was funny was that you appeared to go out of your way to give the impression of being neither French or English and thereby find yourself shunned by righteous Frenchmen and Englishmen. Most significantly, you seemed to enjoy it. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

minipol

January 29th, 2003, 02:46 AM

Originally posted by Arkcon:
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

is a real old one. I'm sure I heard it in kindergarten. I say again, does that just sound funny in French with a German accent or what?
To be honest, i have never heard that joke before. Anyway, one has to wonder how they collect data and how representative their method is.
I don't think it's very scientific.

[Edit to correct a missing "[" ]

[ January 28, 2003, 12:47: Message edited by: minipol ]

tbontob

January 29th, 2003, 03:51 AM

Double oops. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

I may have given the impression that I "lived" in Quebec and was talking from personal experience.

I haven't! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

The furthest east I have been is Hull Quebec and that is only for about 15 minutes.

So whatever I asserted came from second hand sources...other people, the media etc.

For those not in the know, Hull, Quebec is the sister city of our national capital, Ottawa, Ontario and lies just across the Ottawa river.

David E. Gervais

January 29th, 2003, 01:55 PM

Originally posted by tbontob:
Ooops. David, I did not in any way mean to imply you friendless.

What I thought was funny was that you appeared to go out of your way to give the impression of being neither French or English and thereby find yourself shunned by righteous Frenchmen and Englishmen. Most significantly, you seemed to enjoy it. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif First, I have 3 very good friends One see's no evil, one speaks no evil, and the other hears no evil. I try my best to make up for their shortcommings! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

I, like every bilingual speaking person in Quebec find it both funny and sad that the extreme minority (unilingual french and english) of Quebec are strongly represented by both the dueling political parties but the majority (70%+) bilingual speaking people are always left in the wings. It's a shame how much energy and money is lost over something as trivial as language! Especially when there are so many other more important problems to be fixed like the health-care system!

Nuf said! Cheers!

Kaladaar

January 30th, 2003, 01:01 AM

Getting back to the reason for this thread:

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the Last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750." Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The minister says, "Don't start that with me again."

Sinapus

January 30th, 2003, 01:59 AM

http://satirewire.com/news/feb02/warship.shtml

"Canadians. With guns. And a warship. What is this world coming to?"

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

tbontob

January 30th, 2003, 02:42 AM

Originally posted by David Gervais:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by tbontob:
Ooops. David, I did not in any way mean to imply you friendless.

What I thought was funny was that you appeared to go out of your way to give the impression of being neither French or English and thereby find yourself shunned by righteous Frenchmen and Englishmen. Most significantly, you seemed to enjoy it. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif First, I have 3 very good friends One see's no evil, one speaks no evil, and the other hears no evil. I try my best to make up for their shortcommings! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

I, like every bilingual speaking person in Quebec find it both funny and sad that the extreme minority (unilingual french and english) of Quebec are strongly represented by both the dueling political parties but the majority (70%+) bilingual speaking people are always left in the wings. It's a shame how much energy and money is lost over something as trivial as language! Especially when there are so many other more important problems to be fixed like the health-care system!

Nuf said! Cheers!<hr /></blockquote>Hmmmm http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

I agree with you that it is unfortunate that language should be a divisive force among people. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif

IMHO, religion is a close second. Most Christian sects are in agreement on most of the fundamental tenants of Christianity. Until 9/11, it could be asserted that Christians disliked each other more for their differences (if the 'other' belonged to a diffent sect) than Muslims.

The 9/11 event seems to have escalated the dislike some people have against Muslims. I do wonder if the increased hatred expressed by some 'Christians' is really a shift in their focus from 'other Christians' to Muslims.

But enough of speculation and back to the topic. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

It would seem that this would be an opportunity for a third political party to represent the 'bilingual' people of Quebec.

Why isn't one doing so?

tbontob

January 30th, 2003, 04:51 AM

Originally posted by Kaladaar:
Getting back to the reason for this thread:

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the Last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750." Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The minister says, "Don't start that with me again."LOLROF http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Glad you put me back on the 'real' topic". http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[ January 30, 2003, 05:01: Message edited by: tbontob ]

tbontob

January 30th, 2003, 04:57 AM

Originally posted by Sinapus:
http://satirewire.com/news/feb02/warship.shtml

"Canadians. With guns. And a warship. What is this world coming to?"

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif "They were pretty rude, too," Omari added. "They started asking us all sorts of questions, like 'Where did that oil come from?' But first we wanted to know who gave them the damn warship."

That's funny.

To the world we can't even build our oun little ships. Like a frigate is even smaller than a destroyer. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

And Canadians rude?!?! Gasp. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

So Canadians are not immune to "Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely!" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

EDIT Give us a popgun and we are no different from anybody else. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[ January 30, 2003, 03:05: Message edited by: tbontob ]

Kamog

January 31st, 2003, 09:53 AM

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif Kaladaar, that was funny! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Ragnarok

January 31st, 2003, 05:46 PM

Welp, I got a couple jokes for everyone today. Tell me what you think. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
Only thing is they arn't canadian jokes. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other.
A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyBoards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.
She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.
I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!"
The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!"
It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.
After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

And...

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with, the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

Enjoy... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

kalthalior

January 31st, 2003, 08:03 PM

I thought this was pretty funny given the "Rate the President" thread.

US calls for inspections at Wonka (http://theonion.com/onion3903/un_orders_wonka.html)

tbontob

February 1st, 2003, 12:26 AM

Ragnarok http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

You could say it happened in Canada or "The Canadian" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

The first one reads like you were the "perpetrator"! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif Now fess up, were you?

The second one was really funny. How we go into contortions to avoid things and how 'really' straight people let the cat out of the bag.

Children are notorious for doing this! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Ragnarok

February 1st, 2003, 12:41 AM

You could say it happened in Canada or "The Canadian" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif I guess I could've done that. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif Didn't think about it at the time though.

The first one reads like you were the "perpetrator"! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif Now fess up, were you?No, it wasn't me. I was the second one. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif
No, I don't know nothing about computer programming. That is the way I copied and pasted the story from a joke a day email I get every day.

The second one was really funny. How we go into contortions to avoid things and how 'really' straight people let the cat out of the bag.Yeah, kids are really good at doing that. It seems like older ones are too. You do it when you're a kid and then stop doing it for a few years. Then pick up once more when you're like 60 or older. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

primitive

February 1st, 2003, 01:42 AM

3 SIMPLE STEPS TO MAKE A GREAT CANADIAN JOKE.

Doing extensive research in this thread (thanks to tbontob for step 2 and Growltigga for step 3), I have compiled 3 simple steps to make a great Canadian joke.
1: Take any great joke.
2: Exhange all geographic references with Canada (or the Canadian ).
3: If sheep is involved, exhange with moose.

So lets run a little test:
Original joke:
What do you call a Scotsman with a sheep under each arm ?
- A pimp.

Canadian joke:
What do you call a Canadian with a moose under each arm ?
- A pimp.

Hmmm, must be one more step.

Fyron

February 1st, 2003, 02:12 AM

Primitive, you have to start with a good joke, not a bad one.

primitive

February 1st, 2003, 02:55 AM

Fyron
This joke was only used for testing purposes. I would never tell such a lame joke. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

BTW, I think I got it..

4: Compensate for size difference.

Original joke:
What do you call a Scotsman with a sheep under each arm ?
- A pimp.

Refined Canadian joke:
What do you call a Canadian with a moose under each arm ?
- A very, very tall pimp.
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

tbontob

February 2nd, 2003, 01:18 AM

Originally posted by Ragnarok:
No, it wasn't me. I was the second one. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif
ROFLOL. That was funny! My parrot perked up and started to laugh with me. And he is three rooms away!!!! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

tbontob

February 2nd, 2003, 01:21 AM

When I read Ragnaroks reply, I didn't have a chance to read Primitive's.

By this time I was "really" rolling on the floor. And my parrot is laughing his silly head off too!

primitive

February 2nd, 2003, 01:44 AM

Tbontob:

Thank you for your kind words and the set up for the "Canadizer."

Pop by the Cantina for a drink on me. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon6.gif

tbontob

February 2nd, 2003, 02:07 AM

Originally posted by primitive:
Tbontob:

Thank you for your kind words and the set up for the "Canadizer."

Pop by the Cantina for a drink on me. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon6.gif Primitive, let me tell you what I found was so funny about your joke.

The moose is the largest land animal in North America and if I am not mistaken in South America too.

Yep, it apparently beats the grizzly pound for pound.

What is not so well known is that it beats the bear or any other animal in Canada as being the most dangerous land animal in Canada.

And the moose is tall!!!! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

And it is not domesticated like the sheep.

So even if the pimp could somehow get two moose under his arms (very, very unlikely even for a very, very tall pimp), the human is likely to be on the receiving end of any amorous adventure. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

And after being pronged and repeatedly gorged, the moose is likely to stomp him into the ground for good measure.

Your formula was a good one. Putting it into practice made your joke even funnier. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

primitive

February 2nd, 2003, 03:17 AM

Tbontob.
We have plenty of moose in Norway also. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon6.gif

And the moose is in many ways just like humans.

Every autumn ( mating season) some sexually frustrated young males come into peoples gardens and eat fermented apples left on the trees.
Getting really drunk, they run around the suburbs, acting just like English soccerfans. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Ragnarok

February 2nd, 2003, 04:40 AM

tbontob, I'm glad you enjoyed my comments. I was hoping to draw some laughter. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

I too enjoyed Primitives secret to making a joke into a canadian joke. Very well thought out. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

tbontob

February 2nd, 2003, 04:41 AM

Primitive, that is amusing. LOL

Our moose do not act like that...at least I haven't heard they are. Maybe it is because of our greater land area, so moose and people tend to not come into intimate contact.

Drunk moose! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif I have heard of drunken birds and drunken small animals, but a drunken moose is a new one on me! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

My impression is that the moose is a shy, retiring creatures who would rather run away than fight...unless the bull moose is in heat at which time he can be unpredictable. But fight they will if cornered by wolves, etc.

So, I thought someone out there would have contested this statement I made earlier:

Originally posted by tbontob:
What is not so well known is that it beats the bear or any other animal in Canada as being the most dangerous land animal in Canada.
Is it true? Yes, but not in what people normally perceive it to be.

But how? Road accidents. Hitting a moose is like hitting a brick wall. Anywhere from a half ton to almost a ton of it.

They are just doing what moose do, going from one place to another. And, of course crossing the road. In Norway it would be to eat apples and have a good time. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Fyron

February 2nd, 2003, 06:14 AM

There is a place in Africa where a lot of fruit ripens all at once, and ferments. A lot of different types of animals, ranging from monkeys to elephants, eat it (as there isn't too much to eat) and get drunk. It happens every year. My biology teacher in high school showed us a video of it. It was quite hilarious. Defintitely gets an f on the meter.

David E. Gervais

February 2nd, 2003, 01:58 PM

Ok, I'll try to 'Canadianize' the "****-List"..

1) The Lincoln Log Eh! (It's big and it floats!)
2) The Phantom **** Eh! (You felt it come out, you heard it splash, but when you look, it's nowhere to be seen!)
3) The Peek-a-boo **** Eh! (Every time you strain, it peeks out, but when you stop straining to breath it hides back in!)
4) The Brain-hemorage through your nose **** Eh!(..and it's not called blushing!)
5) The Super snake Eh! (also known as the spiral ****!)
6) The Memorable **** Eh! (So strange, big or unique that you need a witness!)
7) The Popcorn **** Eh! (you know plop, plop no fizz oh what a relief it is!)
8) The Niagra **** Eh! (aka the liquid ****!)
9) The Kodak **** Eh! (similar to the Memorable **** but you grab a camera because no-one is around!)
10) The Air **** Eh! (It's when you spend a half hour on the bowl farting!)
11) The Oxigen Deprivation **** Eh! (It stinks so much you have trouble breathing!)
12) The TNT **** Eh! (The one that litterly blows out of you in a matter of seconds, often associated with the 'liquid ****'!)
13) The Alien **** Eh! (Often recognized by it's strange yellow/green color! Are babies aliens?)
14) The Drain Blocker Eh! (The one you have to chop up in order to get it to flush!)
15) The Sanctuary **** Eh! (It's when you don't actually **** but use the privacy of the bathroom to get away from it all!)
16) The 'Executive' **** Eh! (reserved for the 'person' in the office that always has a **** at the same time every day!)
17) The literary **** Eh! (Where you bring a book or newspaper and fill your brain while emptying your bowels!)

Another way to make a joke Canadian is to insert random polite words like 'please', 'sorry', 'thank you', etc! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif We Canadians are known to be extremely polite!

Cheers!

tbontob

February 2nd, 2003, 03:22 PM

Originally posted by DavidG:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by tbontob:
What is not so well known is that it beats the bear or any other animal in Canada as being the most dangerous land animal in Canada.
What is this based on? Personaly I would rather come face to face with a moose than a grizly or polar bear.<hr /></blockquote>Sorry David, you are a bit late with this posting. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

I commented on the intended "misdirection" earlier. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Kaladaar

February 2nd, 2003, 04:53 PM

Originally posted by primitive:
1: Take any great joke.
2: Exhange all geographic references with Canada (or the Canadian ).
3: If sheep is involved, exhange with moose.
Let me offer this possible addition...

3a: Replace moose with beaver as needed.

tbontob

February 2nd, 2003, 07:35 PM

Originally posted by Kaladaar:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by primitive:
1: Take any great joke.
2: Exhange all geographic references with Canada (or the Canadian ).
3: If sheep is involved, exhange with moose.
Let me offer this possible addition...

3a: Replace moose with beaver as needed.<hr /></blockquote>LOL http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Another Canadian icon being abused. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

The real challenge is how to fit in the maple leaf! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Kamog

February 2nd, 2003, 07:43 PM

Replace "blonde" with "Newfie" as the one who does something stupid in the joke. I never understood why they make fun of people from Newfoundland...

I have a coworker who is from Newfoundland. When he moved out of Newfoundland, people didn't call him by his name, they called him "Newfie". And in a lot of jokes people told, the Newfie was the one who did something stupid. Needless to say, he was not happy with the prejudice that a lot of people had.

[ February 02, 2003, 17:50: Message edited by: Kamog ]

tbontob

February 2nd, 2003, 08:07 PM

(tbontob fingers itch to start a discussion on the sorry plight of Newfoundlanders, but refrains from doing so as the topic is supposed to be one of the "funny-bone".) http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

tbontob

February 2nd, 2003, 08:36 PM

Oh heck! Maybe bring something up that is partially on topic. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Is there any connection in the "moose" or "Newfie" jokes and the fact that there is 1 moose to every 3 or 4 Newfoundlanders in Newfoundland?

DavidG

February 3rd, 2003, 02:45 AM

Originally posted by tbontob:
What is not so well known is that it beats the bear or any other animal in Canada as being the most dangerous land animal in Canada.
What is this based on? Personaly I would rather come face to face with a moose than a grizly or polar bear.

tesco samoa

February 4th, 2003, 07:00 PM

> On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to
> visit the coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile
> was driving along the beautiful shoreline in an area where Canadian
> tourists typically inhabit when there was an enormous commotion heard
just
> off the headland. He drove closer to see what it was.
>
> Upon approaching the scene, he saw a man in the water wearing a Montreal
> Canadiens hockey
> jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a
25-foot
shark.
>
> At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Toronto Maple
> Leafs jerseys roared into view from around the point.
>
> Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the
shark's
> ribs, immobilizing it
> instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Montreal fan from
the
> water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
>
> They bundled the bleeding, semiconscious man into the boat along with
the
> dead shark and then
> prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the
> shore. It was the Pope summoning them to the beach.
> After they reached shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said,
> "I give you my blessing for
> your brave actions. I had heard that there was bitter hatred in your
> country between the fans of the
> Leafs and the Canadiens, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is
not
> true. I can see that your
> society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and could serve
as
> a model on which other countries, like this one, could follow".
>
> He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed,
the
> harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?"
>
> "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct
contact
> with God and has access to all of God's wisdom. "
>
> "Well," the harpooner replied, "he doesn't know a thing about
> sharkfishing. Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to try a
> Senator fan?"

tbontob

February 4th, 2003, 08:30 PM

LOL

Good joke, tesco! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Obviously, you live in the east. Ontario? Toronto, perhaps? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Wish I had heard it in the middle 80's when we had intense rivalry between the Oilers and the Flames. Guess who would have been the shark attack victim? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Ragnarok

February 6th, 2003, 11:53 PM

I am Canadian! (http://www.spickle.com/cgi-bin/frames.pl?myurl=http://www.spickle.com/cgi-bin/multimedia.pl?linkNo=17)

Go to that site and go down to the 6th file that says, "I am Canadian!" It is a funny clip. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

tbontob

February 7th, 2003, 01:08 AM

Originally posted by Ragnarok:
I am Canadian! (http://www.spickle.com/cgi-bin/frames.pl?myurl=http://www.spickle.com/cgi-bin/multimedia.pl?linkNo=17)

Go to that site and go down to the 6th file that says, "I am Canadian!" It is a funny clip. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif Yeh, I thought it was funny too when I first saw it. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

It is a TV commercial for a Canadian Beer called, you got it, "Canadian" and is usually shown when a hockey game is being played.

I still get a chuckle out of how us "poor little" Canadians are maligned by the "supposed" Americans. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

And what do we Canadians do when the repressed rage suddenly breaks through? We pull his shirt over his head like they do in hockey! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

If you can, try to "see" the commercial. It's much funnier.

tesco samoa

February 7th, 2003, 01:15 AM

now for some canadian trivia...

WHat is that called when you pull the shirt over your enemy head and punch him a few times...

SamuraiProgrammer

February 7th, 2003, 01:58 AM

A Hockey Game?

Wardad

February 7th, 2003, 08:54 PM

Q: How many Cannadian women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY! TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

I'm sorry.... What did you ask me?

tesco samoa

February 7th, 2003, 09:33 PM

The real challenge is how to fit in the maple leaf! Thats easy tbontob use your fingers or a long narrow stick http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

tesco samoa

February 7th, 2003, 09:35 PM

http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/Domo/default.asp

tesco samoa

February 8th, 2003, 02:51 AM

remember

http://buzz.ca/fun/chretien.html

and post the link

http://www.shrapnelgames.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=reply;f=23;t=008010

tesco samoa

February 8th, 2003, 02:57 AM

President George Bush called Chretien with an emergency: "Our largest
condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried. "My people's
favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"George, the Canadian people would be happy to do anything within their power
to help you," replied the Prime Minister.

"I do need your help," said Bush. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000
condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Chretien.

Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Bush.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red, white & blue in color; at least 10" long and 4"
in diameter?" said Bush.

"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up
and called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make
1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to America."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red, white & blue in color; at least
10" long and 4" in diameter."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the Prime Minister, "and print 'MADE IN CANADA; MEDIUM SIZE'
on
each one."

Kamog

February 8th, 2003, 06:24 AM

Some light bulbs are difficult to change. Like the ones on a high ceiling above a staircase. There was a light bulb like that in a house I used to live in, and it stayed burned out for years. I don't live there anymore, and I wouldn't be surprised if it's still burned out.

The Canuck

February 8th, 2003, 07:28 AM

heres a quick joke i came up with i think

if George W. and Jean Chretien jumped off a cliff, who wins?

society

couslee

February 8th, 2003, 07:27 PM

Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6, or 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old
son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and
the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those
are called condoms, son....
Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively.
"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of
3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys.
One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for
Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,
"Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men." the dad answers,
"TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for
Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he
asks, picking
up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those
are for married men.
One for January, one for February, one for
March........" >>

tesco samoa

February 8th, 2003, 07:28 PM

Kamog

You speak words of wisdom

tbontob

February 9th, 2003, 10:48 AM

Couslee http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Cute! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

We married men are just not getting it!

In more ways than one! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Gryphin

February 10th, 2003, 07:58 PM

When I first saw this I thought it was another Urban Legend. I have been unable to find any informaiton that contradicts this:

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people
who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant
Orthodox Jew, she believes that homosexuality is an abomination according to
Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura that was posted on the
Internet. It's funny as well as informative.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as
many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual
lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly
states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other
specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord. (Lev.1:9.) The problem is my neighbors. They
claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus
21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual uncleanliness. (Lev.15:19-24.) The problem is, how do
tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of
mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not to Canadians. Can you
clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states that he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to
kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I
don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.
Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus
19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes
me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
(DOH! Pigskin is a figure of speech, they are actually made of cow
leather.)

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made
of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to
curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the
trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them, as commanded in
Leviticus 24:10-16? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family
affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20:14)?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can
help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan,

Jack

Wardad

February 10th, 2003, 10:12 PM

Proper spelling of Canada: C eh, N eh, D eh

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

On the sixth day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You Know You're Canadian When:

You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey.

The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars, and drink pop, not soda.

You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing u's from labor, honor, and color.

You know how to say free, prize and no sugar added in French thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.

You know what a toque is.

You've plugged a car in overnight.

You've defended your property from trespassers with a lacrosse stick because you don't own a gun.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWSCanadiana01/0629_jokes-cp.html

Wardad

February 13th, 2003, 06:27 PM

A guy is driving down a country road when he sees a sign, "Apples - $5.00 each." Intrigued to find out why an apple should cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the apples are so expensive.

The farmer says, "These are special peanut butter and jelly apples. Here, try one." The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste the peanut butter but not the jelly."
The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does and he savors a sweet jelly.

The farmer says, "I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but they're $10.00 each."
The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, "Wow, these are great and I taste the ham, but not the cheese."
The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does, takes a bite and a rich, creamy cheese fills his mouth.

The farmer says, "Now, if you really like those, I've got some very special apples that cost $50.00 each. They're woman apples."
The man cannot resist and buys one. He takes a bite and says, "YUCK", these taste like crap!"

The farmer says, "Turn it around."

tbontob

February 18th, 2003, 03:06 AM

I tend to like jokes which have a pun. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Here is an oldie...

A young man, who was learning to be a priest, was smitten by a beautiful young nun who attended Sunday services.

He approached the monseigneur and asked if it was all right to approach her and talk to her.

The monseigneur replied, "I don't see anything wrong with that. As long as you don't get into the habit."

oleg

February 25th, 2003, 04:10 PM

Old joke that was _very_ popular in Russia half a year ago:
Man is kicking the magic lamp and scream: Jinni, you f... son of a b... !! When I asked that we play like France and Argentina THAT is not what I had in mind !!!

tesco samoa

March 14th, 2003, 04:51 AM

Hello. I'm Anthony St. George on location here in Washington.

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television audeince we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you'd never do that.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.

I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Loverboy, that song from Seriff that ends with a really high-pitched long note. Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. Because we've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

For 22 minutes, I'm Anthony St. George, and I'm sorry.

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

DavidG

March 14th, 2003, 05:07 AM

Hillareous Tesco!! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Fyron

March 14th, 2003, 07:25 AM

That gets an "n" on the meter.

dogscoff

March 14th, 2003, 12:47 PM

nice one tesco

tbontob

March 16th, 2003, 05:28 AM

Love it! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Fyron

March 16th, 2003, 09:05 AM

It's so nice that you people think garbage like that passes for comedy... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

[ March 16, 2003, 07:06: Message edited by: Imperator Fyron ]

tbontob

March 16th, 2003, 09:15 AM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
It's so nice that you people think garbage like that passes for comedy... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif 1,2,3

1

So far the vote is 3 to 1 for it being funny. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Fyron

March 16th, 2003, 09:28 AM

Yes, 3 people that have proven in the past that they have twisted senses of humor. Those are not accurate results at all.

primitive

March 16th, 2003, 10:03 AM

4 to 1

Fyron

March 16th, 2003, 10:04 AM

That is just sad. Very very sad. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

David E. Gervais

March 16th, 2003, 01:42 PM

I never find the truth funny when it's 2 degrees off center. Now when it's the thruth the whole thruth and nothing but the truth, That is often very funny, and when it's closer to 10 degrees off center it starts to be funnier still!

..There I did it again! I gave my opinion about the joke currently being polled and managed to stand right smack on the fence and not disturb the balance!

Cheers!

P.S. and now for something really important.. Fyron, I noticed your new avatar, would you like me to polish and frame it? Or would you rather I simply do a proper 'resizing' and leave it without the frame?

Nodachi

March 16th, 2003, 01:56 PM

Just so Fyron isn't the only American giving his opinion on Tesco's joke:

I loved it! Had me ROFLMAO!

There, now you've got two American opinions. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Ragnarok

March 17th, 2003, 06:08 AM

I'll third the american side. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif Although it wasn't fall out of my chair funny I still got a chuckle out of it.
Proving once again that Fyron isn't the final say in everything. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

Fyron

March 17th, 2003, 07:12 AM

Originally posted by Ragnarok:
I'll third the american side. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif Although it wasn't fall out of my chair funny I still got a chuckle out of it.
Proving once again that Fyron isn't the final say in everything. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif No one ever said he was. He just doesn't find low brow racial/ethnic jokes to be very funny.

Nodachi

March 17th, 2003, 12:25 PM

Fyron, did you read the same post I did? I don't see anything racial or ethnic in it. Nationalist, yes, the others, no.

Ruatha

March 17th, 2003, 12:36 PM

Originally posted by tesco samoa:
Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.
I thought it was all funny, but this above was really funny.

I aswell wonder, Ethnical? Racist?

dogscoff

March 17th, 2003, 01:52 PM

Fyron: You think that's low brow and ethnic? You need to get out more http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

OK, here's one specifically to annoy Fyron. It's a little out of date now, but it really made me laugh a few years ago. Apologies to any japanese reading this:

Did you hear the japanese sent a million doses of viagra to the US? They heard the americans couldn't hold a proper election...

Gryphin

March 18th, 2003, 12:07 AM

I enjoyed it.

Fyron

March 18th, 2003, 12:11 AM

Nationalist, ethnic. To-"mae"-toes, to-"mah"-toes.

CEO TROLL

March 18th, 2003, 12:16 AM

At work, I usually include an OT link or text file with my weekly reports. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif
So far no one has objected to Tesco's Canadian Apology, not even republican voters http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif .

Gryphin

March 18th, 2003, 12:18 AM

Second thought: (My Opinion)
Guys, don't defend your humor choise. Would an artist defend his work? I don't. Either someone likes it or they don't. I have MC Escher up in my cube, some folks just do not get it. I don't try to explain. Some like Picaso, some like Norman Rockwell.
I understand Norman Rockwell but you will never see a pic of his in my cube.

tesco samoa

March 18th, 2003, 01:06 AM

yea... their is this guy at work who has a giant metal red cock hanging up in his cube.... Very very funny. People look at the bird and don't know what to do...

TerranC

March 18th, 2003, 01:39 AM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
Nationalist, ethnic. To-"mae"-toes, to-"mah"-toes.Not really. That's not the case of many multi-ethnic countries. I mean, a Turkish Kurd won't be offended if you make a joke about the Turks; even though he lives in Turkey.

Fyron

March 18th, 2003, 01:45 AM

Originally posted by TerranC:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
Nationalist, ethnic. To-"mae"-toes, to-"mah"-toes.Not really. That's not the case of many multi-ethnic countries. I mean, a Turkish Kurd won't be offended if you make a joke about the Turks; even though he lives in Turkey.<hr /></blockquote>Ok... my point was that both types of jokes are equally bad.

tesco samoa

March 18th, 2003, 02:21 AM

He just doesn't find low brow racial/ethnic jokes to be very funny

Their is nothing ethnic nor racial about that joke fyron.

It was taken from a tv show called this hour has 22 minutes.

It is a joke. Not as harsh as some of the other country to country jokes being tossesed here.

And the context of the joke was based on the apology that the Member of Parament did not issue for saying that 'all americans are bastards'. And she still gets to keep her job. Which is not right. If she had said all french are bastards she would have had to resign.

So take it as it is. And nothing more.

CEO TROLL

March 18th, 2003, 02:34 AM

no, this is baddddddddd.....

http://bbs.shootingsportsman.com/viewtopic.php?t=4810

Fyron

March 18th, 2003, 02:46 AM

That is beyond bad.

tbontob

March 18th, 2003, 04:43 AM

Originally posted by Gryphin:
Second thought: (My Opinion)
Guys, don't defend your humor choise. Would an artist defend his work? I don't. Either someone likes it or they don't. I have MC Escher up in my cube, some folks just do not get it. I don't try to explain. Some like Picaso, some like Norman Rockwell.
I understand Norman Rockwell but you will never see a pic of his in my cube.Defending our humor? Is that what we were doing?

I thought we were educating Fyron. On what is humorous.

No, correct that. No one can teach another about what is funny or not.

But we can teach Fyron on how to fake it. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif Not having a sense of humor leaves a person out of things. By faking it, one can still have a good time at parties, with girls and hanging with the guys.

Kamog

March 18th, 2003, 06:22 AM

Originally posted by CEO TROLL:
no, this is baddddddddd.....

http://bbs.shootingsportsman.com/viewtopic.php?t=4810Yeah, that was bad. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Gryphin

March 18th, 2003, 03:04 PM

Fyron has a sence of humor. It may not be like yours. *shrug* unto each thine own.

tbontob

March 18th, 2003, 03:05 PM

Originally posted by Kamog:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by CEO TROLL:
no, this is baddddddddd.....

http://bbs.shootingsportsman.com/viewtopic.php?t=4810Yeah, that was bad. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif <hr /></blockquote>Yeh, that's bad!

I wouldn't want to show it in a French bar. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Wardad

March 18th, 2003, 05:07 PM

Fyron has a valid point about ethnic and nationlistic jokes.
Let's just limit ourselves to Californa humor.

q: Did you hear about the new cereal test marketed in Californa?

a: The NUTS are on top of the Flakes.
+
+
+
Now that is really bad....

tbontob

March 18th, 2003, 05:58 PM

Originally posted by Wardad:
Fyron has a valid point about ethnic and nationlistic jokes.
Let's just limit ourselves to Californa humor.

q: Did you hear about the new cereal test marketed in Californa?

a: The NUTS are on top of the Flakes.
+
+
+
Now that is really bad....Wardad, you are devious! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

KirbyEF

April 5th, 2003, 11:29 PM

At work we had a training class for a new software program. The instructor was from Canada. After talking with him I discovered that he had never had the breakfast food: "Biscuits and Gravy".

I was wondering if other Canadians or other people out there have never had this before either?

KirbyEF

P.S. I found this humorous, but it is not a joke...

[ April 05, 2003, 21:31: Message edited by: KirbyEF ]

DavidG

April 6th, 2003, 03:53 AM

Originally posted by KirbyEF:
At work we had a training class for a new software program. The instructor was from Canada. After talking with him I discovered that he had never had the breakfast food: "Biscuits and Gravy".

I was wondering if other Canadians or other people out there have never had this before either?

KirbyEF

P.S. I found this humorous, but it is not a joke...Yea I suspect most of the population of Canada has no idea what the heck "Biscuits and gravy" is. Sounds nasty. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

tbontob

April 6th, 2003, 12:08 PM

Never heard of it.

Sounds like a dog food. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

David E. Gervais

April 7th, 2003, 01:08 AM

I'm in Quebec, we have 'Poutine' for breakfast here.. It has gravy but no Biscuits. Is that close enough? LOL .. Just Kidding.

I can be so funny sometimes! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Cheers!

[ April 06, 2003, 12:09: Message edited by: David E. Gervais ]

Wardad

April 7th, 2003, 07:25 PM

How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
+
+
+
Four
+
+
+
1 to change the bulb.
and
3 to share the experience.

David E. Gervais

April 7th, 2003, 08:13 PM

Originally posted by Wardad:
How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
+
+
+
Four
+
+
+
1 to change the bulb.
and
3 to share the experience.I think the correct answer is 7!!..

1 to change the bulb.
His agent.
A Director to tell him how.
A producer to pay for it.
and, 3 to share the experience.

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

Fyron

April 7th, 2003, 08:29 PM

Biscuits and gravy is a very tasty food. You people need to get out of your holes more often and experience other cultures. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

DavidG

April 12th, 2003, 03:13 AM

So KirbyEF are you going to enlighten us and tell us what Biscuits and Gravey is? I got a Haggis in the freezer. Maybe we could trade recipies. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Slynky

April 12th, 2003, 03:26 AM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
Biscuits and gravy is a very tasty food. You people need to get out of your holes more often and experience other cultures. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif Coming from Atlanta, yep, B & G with small chunks of sausage in it... doesn't get much better!

Fyron

April 12th, 2003, 04:14 AM

Biscuits and gravey is just what it says it is... biscuits (fluffy biscuits, not cracker-like biscuits) with "country-style" gravey poured on top. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Haggis... stuffed sheep intestines? Or is it cow intestine stuffed with sheep meat? No wait... its sheep stomach stuffed with beef... I think...

[ April 12, 2003, 03:16: Message edited by: Imperator Fyron ]

Kamog

April 12th, 2003, 05:10 AM

I'm prejudiced about haggis. I don't want to try it; just hearing the description of it is enough. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

DavidG

April 12th, 2003, 05:18 AM

Originally posted by Kamog:
I'm prejudiced about haggis. I don't want to try it; just hearing the description of it is enough. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif Well of course if you hear Fyron's totaly inacurate description of it. Oh sure there is a stomach thing in there but you don't eat that part. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif It's lovely stuff, really! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Fyron

April 12th, 2003, 05:33 AM

Well obviously you aren't taking the bait, so let me try another way.... what exactly is haggis?

DavidG

April 12th, 2003, 05:40 AM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
Well obviously you aren't taking the bait, so let me try another way.... what exactly is haggis?Crums now you are testing me. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif I'd have to look it up to be sure but I think it is sheeps liver, heart (maybe some lung http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif ) barley (or oats) various spices stuffed in a stomach sac. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif Mmmm now that's good eating.

Edit: Wow after a brief net search I had no idea there were so many haggis recipies. I just get it from the local scottish butcher. (which if my location is a good example occur about once per 1 million city population on this side of the Atlantic)

[ April 12, 2003, 04:47: Message edited by: DavidG ]

tbontob

April 12th, 2003, 04:14 PM

And if I am not mistaken, it is boiled. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Erax

May 4th, 2003, 01:53 AM

Fyron, don't you remember the first Highlander movie ?

Sean Connery: "What did you call me ?"
MacLeod: "I called you a haggis."
SC: "What is a haggis ?"
McL: "Sheep's heart, liver and kidneys, with oats, stuffed into a sheep's stomach."
SC: "How revolting! And what do you do with it ?"
McL, exasperated: "WE EAT IT !!!"

Kamog

May 4th, 2003, 04:05 AM

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

Gwaihir

May 4th, 2003, 04:39 AM

As a programmer (but with some interest in engineering), I represent that remark! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

Cyrien

May 4th, 2003, 04:52 AM

http://www.waxy.org/archive/2003/04/29/star_war.shtml

Gwaihir

May 4th, 2003, 05:16 AM

One of the comments on the site:
You know . . . he's better at this than most of the so-called "Jedi" in that battle at the end of Ep.2. Remember them? The ones who looked like someone handed them a broomstick and told them to wave it around dramatically, oh, and try not to drop it on their foot this time? They should seriously have this kid give 'em some lessons--the spirit is willing, even if the body is not. Props to you, kid! ^_^
posted by AJ on May 3, 2003 08:26 PM I gotta agree. At least he seems really into it. Many of the comments posted there should not have been made - just because the kid has the guts to make his video available doesn't give you license to poke fun at him. The only thing that was funny was the over-the-top-ness of the remix.

That said, I have no problem with showing the video, which appears to have been intentionally made public, it's just the insulting comments on the page that get to me.

[ May 04, 2003, 04:18: Message edited by: Gwaihir ]

Cyrien

May 4th, 2003, 06:10 AM

I didn't even bother reading the comments. It was the remix that I found funny.

Taera

May 4th, 2003, 06:17 AM

Mixed feelings - while this is funny i find the guy to be quite good at what he's doing.

i say that one of such comments as you made and as you quoted might as well overweight all the insults done.

[ May 04, 2003, 05:17: Message edited by: Taera ]

Karibu

May 5th, 2003, 05:20 PM

This is not a canadian joke but quite clever sentence I read from the net few days ago. I apologise every american who reads this http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

"I could believe a God if I saw a burning Bush."

tesco samoa

May 5th, 2003, 05:58 PM

One for TC

Three Canadians and a Genie

Three guys, a Newfie, a Quebecer and an Albertan are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Newfie says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."

With a blink of the Genie's eye, POOF! the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Quebecer was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Quebec, so that nothing will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, POOF! there was a huge wall around Quebec.

The Albertan asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Albertan says, "Fill it up with water."

For Fyron

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said:

"Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on Earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," replied God. "Just wait and see the neighbors I'm going to give them."

For Mac

Signs you may be a Canadian

You stand in "line-ups" at the movies, not lines
You're not offended by the term "Homo Milk"
You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."
You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars
You drink pop rather than soda
You know what it means to be on pogey
You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the cottage, eh!!"
You don't hold your hand to your breast when you sing the national anthem
You can leagally drink as a teen
You know that anglophones, francophones and allophones are not electronic devices
You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike
You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba. You just know it's a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars
When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it
You're not sure the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't really want to know if he has
You get milk in bags as well as cartons and pLastic jugs
Pike is a type of fish, not a freeway
You sit on a couch, not a chesterfield - that's some small town in Quebec
You know what a Robertson screwdriver is
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers or car's glove compartment
You know that Thrills are something to chew on and "taste like soap."
You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."
You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.
You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet, because you could really use more change (You are already wearing your pants halfway down your *** and the hair and three layers of skin is worn off the front of your thighs from carrying your pocket money around). The new coin should have a picture of a musk-ox on it and be the size of a hamburger pattie and have fifteen different kinds of metals in it, including poutine.
You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few weeks early.
You design your Hallowe'en costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel 'nightie' with only 8 buttons.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada"
You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one metre above the ground.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
You head south to go to your cottage.
You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making.
You find -40�C a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewellery and your Sorels.
You can play road hockey on skates.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You read rather than scanned this list
You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends.

For Dogscoff

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.

"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."

For SJ

In the rest room, 3 guys were standing side-by-side using the urinals. The 1st guy finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Toronto and they taught us to be sanitary."

The next guy finished, zipped up and quickly, wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from Waterloo and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The Last guy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Ryerson and they taught us not to piss on our hands."

Thats it

tbontob

May 5th, 2003, 08:35 PM

LOL http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Tesco, here's one for the list. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

The mosquitoes in Flin Flon are so big, that they have become the provincial bird of Manitoba.

(Flin Flon is a town in Northern Manitoba and people do go around with the picture of a mosquitoe on their caps with subtext that it is the provincial bird.) http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

TerranC

May 6th, 2003, 02:00 AM

Originally posted by tbontob:
LOL http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Tesco, here's one for the list. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

The mosquitoes in Flin Flon are so big, that they have become the provincial bird of Manitoba.

(Flin Flon is a town in Northern Manitoba and people do go around with the picture of a mosquitoe on their caps with subtext that it is the provincial bird.) http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif The mosquitoes in Flin Flon are SO wasted...

I don't think I need to finish that joke http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

And tesco, thanks for the jokes http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Edit: For those who does not get the joke of the joke, Flin Flon is the site of Health Canada's (The Canadian Health Ministry) cannabis farm. Flin Flon residents have been sighted wearing *welcome to canada's pot capital* shirts and caps.

[ May 06, 2003, 01:02: Message edited by: TerranC ]

Gwaihir

May 6th, 2003, 02:03 AM

Alaska: the only place on earth where mosquitos can kill a moose.

tesco samoa

May 6th, 2003, 02:36 AM

he he... this is for the boys in toques

http://www.post-gazette.com/sports/other/20030428perfectp5.asp

And a TRUE Story called

THE REFRESHING TALE OF THE GOD OF BEER.

ANCIENT CANADA-- The Canadian obsession with drinking beer is not just a cultural phenomena, it is an act of faith. Canadians have a long history with the malted liquor, starting with their early worship of the gods of beer.

Barbarian Canadians first learned the secret of beer--it is told--when the sky opened up thousands of years ago and a great golden figure came down upon the earth bringing a holy recipe for making a refreshing beverage made up of only three simple Earthly ingredients (barley, malt, hops) that could be mixed with fresh springwater.

All who saw the beer God began to suffer intense headaches and a strange dizziness that made their straw sleeping mats appear to spin, before eventually forcing them into unconsiousness. When the primitive Canadians awoke, their mouths tasted like the *** of a yak, but they now had brewing knowledge.

The ancestral Canucks then began to brew their own beers in wooden cauldrons made from hollowed-out maple tree stumps, and then stored the finished product in vessels sewn from dried caribou skins.

The first drinking Canadians would consume the draught from the carved-out horn of a ram. But because a horn has no base, they were obliged to drink it all at once or clutch their horn to their stomach--to prevent others from stealing it.

This ritual continues to this day, where at parties around the country young men will either down their drink in one "chug-a-lug" gulp or else, if there is no need to impress, they will hold their bottles close to their bodies as they discuss whether Marshall McLuhan or Mackenzie King was the better goalie.

Archaeological digs near Montreal have found some of the oldest depictions of the ancient gods of beer that Canadians revered as providers of the amber nectar. The images, scratched onto the top of a petrified picnic table, show Mohl-Sun, the god of fermented spirits, raising a bottle to the sky and either yelling, cheering, or toasting in some fashion.

"You can tell He's really whooping it up," said Andre Pelletier, chief archaeologist at the site, which is close to present-day McGill University. "From the angle of his knees I'd say he's already drunk a two-four, or maybe just a case. A half-sack at least. He's almost falling backwards."

"Myths describe Mohl-Sun as a wise and caring god," said Andre. "Mohl-Sun's Canadians looked up to him for wisdom, and sanctuary, a means to escape from the everyday pressures of life. They honoured their god in the time-honoured fashion of belly-patting and belching in respect."

Mohl-Sun is thought to be the inspiration behind the famous beerhenge monument, a large circular structure in Old Montreal made up of hundreds of thousands of piled-up empties.

"It just looks like a mound of broken bottles and beer caps now," said Andre, "but it must have been an awesome sight 3000 years ago when it was thrown together. The sun would hit the top bottles during the spring and fall equinoxes--and shine through to the other side--as if it were pointing towards some ancient liquor store."

Although Mohl-Sun was the dominant beer god in Central Canada, the West Coast had its own drunken deity.

Kokanee the Clever was a trickster god, often giving the illusion of beauty to those who drank too many beers around the longhouse. Kokanee's trickery brought together many unattractive couples together for mating, which fulfilled his other function as a fertility figure. One legend speaks of Kokanee flying to Earth in the form of an ugly raven. The villagers, appalled by the site of their god, consumed beer all night until the raven turned into an eagle, approximately two hours past midnight, when the traditional drinking longhouses were about to close.

Most of what we know about these deities of malt, barley, and hops is horribly incomplete. Inscriptions and drawings found in the ancient beer caves of Kenora, and from the Dried Bark Scrolls are almost illegible and, unless large quantities of beer are drunk, incomprehensible as well.

Canadians to this day are grateful for their gift from the gods of beer, and try to worship him at least three times a week.

Gwaihir

May 6th, 2003, 05:54 AM

GO 'CANES!

hehe, i like it. And tres quality that we get the #1 spot. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

tbontob

May 6th, 2003, 11:57 PM

Originally posted by TerranC:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by tbontob:
LOL

Tesco, here's one for the list.

The mosquitoes in Flin Flon are so big, that they have become the provincial bird of Manitoba.

(Flin Flon is a town in Northern Manitoba and people do go around with the picture of a mosquitoe on their caps with subtext that it is the provincial bird.) http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif The mosquitoes in Flin Flon are SO wasted...

I don't think I need to finish that joke http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

And tesco, thanks for the jokes http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Edit: For those who does not get the joke of the joke, Flin Flon is the site of Health Canada's (The Canadian Health Ministry) cannabis farm. Flin Flon residents have been sighted wearing *welcome to canada's pot capital* shirts and caps.<hr /></blockquote>Hmmm.... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Maybe that's why the skeeterbirds are so big.

Drinking the blood of wasted FlinFlonians may have affected their genetic structure causing them to grow big. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

And to be totally and deliberately politically incorrect... it would be the female's fault as they are the only ones to drink blood. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon6.gif