OT-Horrorscope

[tesco samoa]

for the week of the 22nd

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You are excited to learn about the bank machines that hand out money. But, like most things in the big city, it's not as great as it sounds.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
You've heard the phrase "Dead men tell no tales," but you sure wish someone had told the overly talkative zombie sitting next to you on the plane.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
All those people who think a person can't be both creative and productive now have you as proof.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Next week, you will find yourself in an office romance. Unfortunately, all the female employees will have been replaced by shrieking drag queens.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
You'll be excited to learn that you will be one of the items included in the gift bags at this year's Oscars.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
The good news is, at long Last, your time machine works. The bad news is that you won't be lying about being a disabled Vietnam veteran anymore.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Remember: A bend in the road isn't the end of the road. By the way, do you have to be told ****ing everything?

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You will soon be in demand among domestically oriented women when it turns out you're made of Corian, a desirable countertop material.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
A drunk Willie Nelson will call you at 3 a.m. to "apologize," but then spends an hour complaining that no one knows he wrote "Crazy."

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
After experiencing a sudden and profound shift in priorities, you spend all your time making love instead of money, causing you to die exhausted and penniless.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
If people call you cold and unfeeling, remind them how long and hard you cried over that dead Bee Gee.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Your name will soon be used as a stirring rallying cry for the installation of airbags on brick walls.

[tesco samoa]

for the week of Jan 29th

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You will be honored but embarrassed when Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter visits you to "see if further trouble can be avoided."

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
It's time to admit that you would be far better off living in a reputable rest home, despite being a healthy 28-year-old.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You'll feel a greater sense of security once you finally get used to the strain of holding that ax over your head all day long.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
There's trouble at work again this week as you continue to be undermined by your smarter, more charismatic black Secretary of State.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
They think they've won, but take heart: Only you know that they haven't found all the nurses yet.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
The pain of your loss will fade with time, but every now and then you'll swear you can still feel it itching.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Now that he's hit everything else, John Updike has no choice but to write about you.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
While it's true that you're a sharecropper's son, it's because you forced your father to take up sharecropping at the expense of his lucrative banking career.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Accept it: She's dead, and nothing you can do will ever bring her back. Except, of course, for the Lazarus serum--but you promised her you wouldn't...

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Though you never intended to be a role model for children, you must admit that your grindingly dull life makes you a pretty decent one.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
In spite of the praise, accolades, and awards, you can't shake the suspicion that they paid the caterer more.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Sure, life may seem pretty dark, but wonderful things are going to happen any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now.

[tesco samoa]

week of Feb 5th

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
The stars will soon be in a unique alignment, revealing a mysterious sign in the heavens. Which sounds impressive but means you'll be able to see a birdie.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
You will never again be able to live in peace due to the enduring and seductive power of your moose call.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You will spend three frustrating weeks trying to incorporate the word "evanescent" into a sentence.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Your discovery of an unabridged dictionary will take much of the fun and creativity out of Scrabble.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Just so you know: If you speak fluent Farsi and have a thorough knowledge of Middle Eastern culture but don't like travel, it's a good time to keep your mouth shut.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
It might be heartfelt, but your long, freeform Version of "Old Man River" will get your lily-white *** laughed off the stage.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Just because that man is dead and in his grave doesn't mean you can go around squeezing the Charmin as much as you please.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You haven't worn it since college, but don't be surprised when your old suit still fits. It is made of rubber, after all.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Actually, "mannickjore" refers to the white-necked stork of the Indian subcontinent, more commonly known to white settlers as the "beefsteak bird."

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
It was nice of Utah Jazz great Karl Malone to visit you in the hospital, though you are not sick and easily could have entertained him at home.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Something big is in your future. Please be sure to note the absence of any specific positives in that sentence.

[Spoo]

lol

[Instar]

cite your source tesco!

[Rollo]

taken from tesco's sig:
"What would happen if a squad of Storm Troopers got in a bLaster/phaser fight with a squad of Star Trek red-shirt ensigns?"

They are dead, Jim.

[ February 06, 2003, 02:23: Message edited by: Rollo ]

[Sea-Monkey-Pirate]

That reminds me of a Tarot reading I had.

The fortune teller turned over a card clearly marked the "Scottsman".

"The Scottsman?" I asked, "I have never even heard of that card!"

The fortune teller replied, "Well not to many people have this future, have they?"