OT-Horrorscope

[tesco samoa]

For the week of Feb 12th

Source : By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and
A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
The media will proclaim you the new John F. Kennedy for your charisma, sense of style, and massive gunshot wound to the back of the head.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Your concern over what kind of mother you'll be is admirable, not to mention rare for such a young man.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You'll continue to question your faith in a God who would allow the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to win the Super Bowl.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You're proud of your conviction that rules were made to be broken, but it might be wise to keep this from the prosecuting attorney.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
All the wishing in the world can't bring your dead mother back to life, but animal sacrifices have been known to work wonders.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
They say lightning never strikes the same place twice, but that doesn't mean you should feel comfortable once you're out of the hospital.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You will finally be cleared of wrongdoing in the infamous "Bloodbath At Bala Hissar," when the Royal British Marines admit it happened 130 years before you were born.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You'll run up against a problem that all the charm in the world can't solve, so it's a good thing you haven't got any.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You're one of the rare people who's willing to die for what you believe in, which is strange because you mostly just believe in using as many coupons as possible.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
It's nice that you enjoyed the chicken pot pie, chips, and beer, but the genie was surprised you didn't try the old "wishing for more wishes" trick.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Next week is a good one for romance in the workplace, but why they always have to use your office is beyond you.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
The incident-reconstruction specialists will thank you for the chance to work with so many monkeys.

[tesco samoa]

for the week of Feb 19th

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
The Spam Museum will seem a lot less fun and kitschy when you are put on permanent display.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Though it's true that you live a life of quiet desperation, with the right shabby clothes and scruffy beard, it could get you all the chicks.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
There will be no monuments or memorials to mark your tragic and violent death during next week's bloody revolution in floor coverings.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Religious turmoil looms large in your future as a vengeful God once again refuses to bless that mess.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
You will finally acknowledge that being known as "America's Best-Kept Secret In Horribly Deformed Freaks" is kind of a mixed blessing.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
This week's mishap won't set your zookeeping career back much. Anyone could have mistaken Tyne Daly for a majestic silverback lowland gorilla.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You will be faced with the unenviable task of telling somebody that they have lost that loving feeling without breaking into song.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
While it's true that love means different things to different people, you'll be saddened by how many people think it includes shiny objects.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
An unusual series of events will teach you to never underestimate the abilities of a master Ninja or pastry chef.

[tesco samoa]

For the week of feb 26th... Yea I know... But I had a run in with Wayne

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You have thoroughly wasted your potential over the past five years--years you could have spent deep-frying professionally.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
A fast-talking huckster sells you the Brooklyn Bridge for $93.8 million, but it turns out it's all perfectly legal.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
The ladies won't be able to keep their hands off you this week, thanks to a sharp new look consisting of tailored suits made from bubble wrap.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You will experience a surge in popularity when talk-show host Wayne Brady publicly declares you his personal nemesis.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
You will finally grow mature enough to accept your own mortality, just moments before the freak elephant stampede.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
The community's response to your drunken riding-mower accident will start a hilarious national trend in roadside memorial art.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
That run for the record books once again falls short when you start Boston's all-time second-largest fire.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You will be mentioned several times in Jack Palance's explanation of why he no longer does one-handed push-ups in public.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You are renowned for your kind and loving nature, thanks mainly to a crack PR team.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
The increased precipitation in your area continues, thanks largely to that little black storm cloud that follows you everywhere.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
It's been quite a while since the stars mentioned the nurses chained up in your basement, but don't worry: They haven't forgotten they're down there.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
The dying celebrity-boxing fad is revitalized when Ellen Cleghorne announces she's ready and willing to go 12 rounds with you.

[tesco samoa]

For the week of Mar 3rd

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
All those jokes about your attention span would probably get you down if you ever stuck around to see how they end.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
An unfortunate typo in your flyer results in dozens of infuriated jockeys and bettors showing up for your annual three-day horse-raping festival..

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Once again, it seems like you're the only one who can get word back to Earth before all hope is lost.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
A tumor the size of a walnut will be found in your forebrain, explaining your recent fascination with mid-1970s American fiber art.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
The Army's okay, you suppose, but you just can't see yourself wearing any uniform that doesn't have two broad leather straps crossing over a bare chest.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Your life seems great, but you wish you knew why that loud computer voice keeps counting backwards.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You've always thought it would be thrilling to be shot while trying to escape, but not from a marriage to the manager of the west-side Olive Garden.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You'll be the toast of Europe when Thievery Corporation remixes you into a cool after-hours chillout-session track.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Your relief is palpable when the Channel 7 News CrimeStoppers' reenactment of your upcoming mugging leaves out the pants-wetting.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You're a passable singer, fair banjo player, and moderately attractive bottle-blonde, but that doesn't mean you're the Lost Dixie Chick.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
You will inherit $20,000 from a great-aunt in Iowa, but, sadly, no overnight stay in a spooky haunted castle is required to claim the money.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
A freak accident causes you and a Boise stockbroker to become the world's first "double reverse Idaho twins."