Bar Trek: The Next Generation. Episode 4: Sore Leave

[Kamog]

I'll be one of the engineers working under Chief Engineer Erax. I'll be like Barclay, and I'll spend most of my time having fun in the Holodeck, or messing things up when I'm actually doing engineering work.

[Taz-in-Space]

and someone hide the keys to the shuttledeck. The Last time we did one of these, I recall Taz took one for a joyride, discovered time travel via a slingshot round a gas giant and ended up crashing into Siberia some years ago (just before we beamed him out)....

Did I hear this right: I ended up crashing into Siberia just BEFORE I was beamed out?

Now that explains a few things...like:

Taz is Whoopi Goldberg, with funny mediaval princess style conical hat on top of his furry head

And:

Taz, standing behind the bar, dons a purple Whoopee Goldberg outfit complete with big purple hat

Or maybe it was this:

An incandescent ball of light appears on the ceiling of the temporary cantina, lightning arcs out of the ball and earths on the cantina fittings, and on one particular helpless occassion, Taz's head...

Oh well, I guess I've made a little Whoopie in my time...

Here goes - :

I need to order the kitchen to prepare curry, chilli and sauerkraut and lots of fizzy beer

Captain, here is the food you ordered for yourself and the crew. I have taken the liberty to include some Mexican Bean Dip as well! Enjoy!!

[narf poit chez BOOM]

this is definitly one of the times when life should not imatate art. loose wild pet rats are not good.

[Growltigger]

OK, warp engines are on-line, phaser bank are charged, photon torpedoes are ready to go, the fluffy dice are hanging from the helmsman's console..

Barry is in cargo hold 4, trying to squeeze into a red shirt the size of a playing field.

Doctor Geo is testing the FBWs down in sickbay (Dammit I'm a doctor, not a multi-jointed contortionist!), Commander Scoffo is looking strained on the bridge, Patsy the PVC Pervert is on communications, Commander Erax is playing with his spanner in engineering, Lieutenant Kamog is fiddling about in his drawers, Taz is mixing up some extra strong sauerkraut down on ten forward, Power Man is straddling both helm and weapon consoles, Mr S'Katchoo is playing computer games at his science station...

Hmmmm, I guess a navigator is a bit of a luxory on this trip but when he re-surfaces, I nominate David Gervais as I think he could find his backside with both hands which is more than the rest of us, and as for a counsellor, I nominate Gryphin whenever he turns up to the party....

Number 1, set course for Fart Point. Mr Power Man, Warp 5, engage

[dogscoff]

The script of the real episode, for anyone who wants to see what we're ripping the piss out of.

Cue music, cue credits, episode 1 begins:

Bar Trek: The Becks Generation
Episode 1: Encounter at Fartpoint.

voiceover

Short on beer, the crew of the TSSS Phong's Head is travelling to Anus IV to look into the mystery of Fartpoint, a new brewery built by the inhabitants of that planet...

[ April 30, 2003, 10:06: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[Growltigger]

Captain Slog, Stardate 12.38 and almost lunch time (mine's a pint).

My orders are to examine the brewery at Fartpoint on Planet Anus IV. The inhabitants have apparently been brewing some really cracking ale that has the added side effect of giving its drinkers X ray vision. It apparently is also the cause of chronic flatulence in the inhabitants of that planet, the build up of methane is threatening to destabilise the magnetosphere of that planet. Planet Anus IV is really in danger of disappearing up its own backside.

I am becoming better acquainted with my new command, this "Cantina" class TSSS Phong's Head. I am still somewhat in awe of its size and complexity, but I have managed to find the boy's cloakroom, the captain's bar and my own shower, although what the button marked "old Faithful" in that shower does is worrying me.

My crew are short in several positions, after all, my first officer is only 4 foot 2" tall. Taz is doing his best in ten forward, although a diet of tribble wings is getting a little tiresome. Our science officer is worrying me, he turned up for duty in red taffeta this morning, whilst singing Jimmy Sommerville hits. I have also had to staple our weapon officers hands to his legs to stop him firing the phasers at anything that moves..

Engineering seems to have disappeared. No-one has seen our doctor either, or the FBWs for that matter.

I have one query, how do we stop this ship?

[geoschmo]

Tribbles have wings?

Chief Medical officers log: (hehe, he said log. shut up beevis)

My initial excitment at getting to uh, "examine" the FBW's turned to dismay when I heard what our mission was.

"What? Fartpoint? I am like 200 years old in this episode. Aw crud."

Not wanting to be relegated to shuffleboard and prune juice for the remainder of the mission I needed to go back in time. I talked Engineer Erax into bypassing the warp jeffries tube conduit into the tacheyon grid and building up a feedback loop....Aw who am I kidding. I slipped the script writer a hundred and had him rewrite my character as a healthy late twenty-something stud.

Now where did those FBW's get to....

[ April 30, 2003, 12:59: Message edited by: geoschmo ]