Bar Trek: The Next Generation. Episode 4: Sore Leave

[mac5732]

The wise old one, watches as his tube is unprovokedly attacked and pushed back down into the over all mass containment area of #12. hmmmm, it appears someone found my little toy he mumbles to himself, however, he punches some more buttons in front of the consoles and sees that the spy tube registered a high 89% methane level inside various areas of the ship.....Now that would be useful he grumbles, it appears that methane is also used by these aliens from the strong emissions registering on the FartPoint Methane incandescent beam analyzer. Well we'll just have to tap that source and from what the analyzer shows, its almost 98% pure with a slight trace of what appears to be various types of alcohole in trace amounts.

The wizen oldster, munching on rye toast, moves his strong fingers over the keyBoards of his console and is soon followed by a redly impenetrable opacity which leaps spaceward towards the revolving space craft. Upon reaching its target an indescribable pall reachs into the ship with a writhing, coruscating beam of intense power. It soon envelops the various parts of the ship and begins the obduction of the methane found within and sending it down to the immense fortress and into the reaction chambers of a huge, gargantuan machine. Those workers around the metal contraption were estatic as they read the printouts on this unexpected source of 98% pure Methane. "Wow, this is the strongest stuff we've ever seen here on FartPoint", only beings with a trendous internal combustion system could be responsible for this experate of Methane". "The essance of wonderment of such magnitude of Methane must indeed be undescribable within the confines of those areas where the readings are taking place.."

[ May 08, 2003, 04:12: Message edited by: mac5732 ]

[Growltigger]

Captain Slog stardate 12.01 GMT

After, ahem, interviewing the dancing leather clad sheep in my ready room, I arranged for their permanent installation in cargo bay 1. I had noticed that the air was getting a big green in the cargo bay, but was amazed when all the methane appeared to be sucked out of the ship and down to a fortress buried under a mountain range on Fart Point.

Given that the Away Team has been silent for the Last few hours, and was a bit incoherent before that, I assume that our brave away team has succumbed to methane poisoning.

This evidence of hostile intentions, together with the laceration of the PEE tube sent up by the planet, leads me to believe that the natives of Fart Point are not friendly.

Given the absence of communication, I must assume that our away team are dead.

My course of action is clear, the Prime Directive (as amended and supplemented by the Growltigga Directive and the Hussein Codicil), requires me to revenge any unprovoked assault upon Galactic Federation starships.

Mr S'Katchoo, you are now acting weapons officer in the absence of our dearly departed Mr Power Man and for the strange silence of Mr Dogscoff.

Sound red alert, bring the ship to battle stations, raise shields, charge phaser banks, load and arm all photon torpedoes, rig the shuttles as ground assault craft, arm all marines with ground attack weaponry and make sure the "planet buster" bombs are ready for launch. Make it so.....

Miss Patsy, please signal the mayor of Fart Point that they are now at war with the Galactic Federation. advise him that he has 5 minutes to hand back my away team, and to deliver the perpetrator of the PEE assault and methane sucking
to our transporter room in chains and mildly beaten.. tell him that failure to comply will result in termination of the planet with extreme prejudice

No methane breathing stinky wizended shindle shanked old tosspot sucks the sheep out of my ship.....

[Power Man]

Power Man spends several minutes looking for the "little Power Men's room". He finally finds a door labeled "Water Closet" .
"Well if this rooms for water I have some "water" for it."
Power Man enters the WC. He sees a small tinkling fountain (just like the one in the old cantina) for washing hands. The walls have pictures of rushing streams. There are speakers playing the sound of a babbling brook…. STOP.. STOP.. If this keeps up I really will BURST!
He spots a series of holes along one wall. A sign above them reads "You Are Not in Pain any more".

As he is finding Relief Power Man notices that the hole does not appear to be attached to a normal pipe.
Instead it appears that his stream is falling in "Golden Arches" into a vast vat of bubbling liquid on the next floor down. The vat looks like one he saw from the tour. It must be a different one though.
"I mean I am all for being resourceful and recycling but if that's not a different vat, this is just Nasty."

Power Man finishes his "Number 1" and washes up at the fountain.
As he leaves the WC the Old Fart Mayor, Mr. Odiferous runs up to him.

Thank the "Great Fart", I found you. You MUST call your Captain RIGHT AWAY! We did not do it. We could not do it. Don't let him KILL US !!!

"What ? WHO ?? OK I'll call." At this moment Power Man realizes that some of the loud buzzing in his head is actually coming from his communicator. "OH OH I forgot, I had set this thing on vibrate and so I did not notice it till now."

Power Man to Captain Growltigger, sorry for the delay in reporting. We got really tired (Smashed) Last night after all of our hard working (Partying). The team is still resting (sleeping it off). We managed to sample 89.456% of the ales. Taz has made up a shopping list that could choke a sheep. I will try to get the team to report in as soon as they wake up (recover).

"Oh by the way, Is there something going on up there ? I am here with Mayor Odiferous. He seems rather concerned about your declaring a state of war with the Galactic Federation. He says that his PEE tube is Way too small to assault anyone. And while he admits he "Sucks" it is not methane.

He seems to be blaming a wise old retired Major who lives in a subterranean Fortress, protected against all forms of warfare under the nearby "Mount Fartmore". The Major use to command the famous F (Fart) Troop the "Fighting Pains in the Anus" Troop 90210. He now lives in his fortress surrounded by sexy female clones, who serve his every needs.
This wizen "Oldest Fart" may not mean us any harm. I suggest that you use the "olive branch of peace" rather than your "planet busters" to contact him. If he does not listen to reason you can always hit him over the head with the branch and Then use the planet busters."

Captain I will report back again after I get back to the team.

[ May 08, 2003, 17:24: Message edited by: Power Man ]

[Raging Deadstar]

*Meanwhile aboard the TSSS Phongs Head...*

*The injured ensign hobbles down the hall ways, after many turbo lifts degrading him about the length of his gun, his accuracy and shooting technique he finally makes it to the desired location, the computers mainframe room. The hologram fizzles out and the floating droid then releases a cable that connects to one of the many sockets around the room. A red screen pops up and demands clearence to enter. The droid's programming enters "Growltigga, Love God" and "Knockers" as the password. It instantly begins downloading everything possible. Previous mission logs, crew profiles, ship blue prints, cargo information and the captains Online black book of aliens he's "bonked" With all this information transmitted back to the Deadstar satellite floating in orbit around the planet of Anus IV which then transfers the top secret information to the Officials of the Deadstar Continuum. With this task completed the droid reactivates the hologram projector and heads off towards the weapons room, the next phase of the deadstar's plans were on schedule..."

----=Message to The Wise Old One, Mac=----
From: Senator Deadstar

Our most Humble Greetings. We would greatly be hounoured by the assitance of yourself. We are troubled by the sudden appearence of the TSSS Phong's Head, who we know have beamed an away team down to the surface. We believe they will disrupt our planetary operations and would require your assitance in the "decapitation, if you will, of this threat. Our Operatives are standing by with orders to cripple the ship and if you would like the honour of exterminating The decorated Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat we would be happy to assist you. We believe the cloning of some athletic young liz hurleys bred for maximum stamina will be a sufficiant reward for your co-operation.
----=Message Ends=----

[Growltigger]

Captain Growltigga to Sub-Ensign Power Man,note you have been demoted for unbefitting conduct whilst on an away mission.

The honour of the Federation and illustrious service on TSSS Phong's Head only means you get drunk either on board or when I say you can.

Tell that snivelling mayor that I will withhold my engines of destruction, provided that miserable reprobate toad of a major in his undergorund fortress agrees to meet my assassination team, I mean, my friendship team when it beams down.

Tell that mayor that if he doesn't accede to this demand, I shall be forced to use planet buster bombs and phasers against the major's underground fortress such that Anus IV will be blown up its own bottom.......

He has been warned.......

[Power Man]

Power Man mutters to himself:
WHAT DEMOTED!! Why that @#$#$% puffed up %^%&& CAT ! I'd like to give his tale a YANK or TWO ! And after all my hard Work too. How Else are we to "seek out what's Brewing" if we don't sample what ales us??
I wonder how "The honour of the Federation and illustrious service on TSSS Phong's Head" is served by his "daddle daddle dum"ing his "rising rhubarb" and getting "tied up" by "dancing sheep". Maybe I ought to send my Uncle, Admriel High Horse at Federation Command Central a short note?
I am sure Captain "Cat" would Love a FCC investigation.

It looks like I had better start doing a little "Sucking Up" myself.

Taking out his communicator Power Man calls up to the ship.
"Power Man to the Great, All Powerful, Massively Endowed, Handsomely Striped, Powerful Singer, Captain Growltigga, I, your now even more lowly Peeon Power Man will tell "that snivelling mayor" your Great and Powerful words. He seems to have run off however so I must track him down."

I hope you will reconsider your supremely wise and just actions. From what we have Worked so Hard to discover, Fart Point Station and Anus IV would be a great ASSet to the Federation.
At least let your Away Team know before you "wipe out Anus IV's bottom".
We would like to get the Sh++ out of Anus IV before you give it the "Blow Job"."

Power Man Out.

Now which way back to the Re-Cover room ??? Were did that mayor run off to ??

[Katchoo]

Mr. S'Katchoo, having returned from his stay at the Betty Ford Clinic (aka Sickbay) enters the bridge just as the Captain begins issueing orders.

Captain: "..Sound red alert, bring the ship to battle stations, raise shields, charge phaser banks, load and arm all photon torpedoes, rig the shuttles as ground assault craft, arm all marines with ground attack weaponry and make sure the "planet buster" bombs are ready for launch.."

Mr. S'Katchoo gives the Captain a raised eyebrow. Shields?..Phaser banks?..Photon torpedoes?..Shuttles?..Marines?..Planet buster bombs? What does this Captain think this ship is? The Death Star?

But..the Captain wants "action", so i'll give it to him, muses Mr. S'Katchoo.

Sitting down to his Science Station, Mr. S'Katchoo unlocks the bottom cabinet and takes out his Guitar. Finally, with the Planetary Speakers on full bLast, Mr. S'Katchoo begins playing:

"Get your ski's shined up,
Grab a stick of Juicy Fruit.
The taste is gonnnnna move ya!
Take a strip,
Pull it ouuuut.
The taste is gonna move it when ya pop it in your mouuuuuth!

Juicy Fruit,
it's gonnnnna move ya!
Juicy soft,
it gets right to ya!
Juicy Fruit,
The taste the taste the taste is gonnna move ya!"

Meanwhile, down on Fart Point, people all over cup their hands over their ears and scream in terror...