Bar Trek: The Next Generation. Episode 4: Sore Leave

[Power Man]

Power Man spends several minutes looking for the "little Power Men's room". He finally finds a door labeled "Water Closet" .
"Well if this rooms for water I have some "water" for it."
Power Man enters the WC. He sees a small tinkling fountain (just like the one in the old cantina) for washing hands. The walls have pictures of rushing streams. There are speakers playing the sound of a babbling brook…. STOP.. STOP.. If this keeps up I really will BURST!
He spots a series of holes along one wall. A sign above them reads "You Are Not in Pain any more".

As he is finding Relief Power Man notices that the hole does not appear to be attached to a normal pipe.
Instead it appears that his stream is falling in "Golden Arches" into a vast vat of bubbling liquid on the next floor down. The vat looks like one he saw from the tour. It must be a different one though.
"I mean I am all for being resourceful and recycling but if that's not a different vat, this is just Nasty."

Power Man finishes his "Number 1" and washes up at the fountain.
As he leaves the WC the Old Fart Mayor, Mr. Odiferous runs up to him.

Thank the "Great Fart", I found you. You MUST call your Captain RIGHT AWAY! We did not do it. We could not do it. Don't let him KILL US !!!

"What ? WHO ?? OK I'll call." At this moment Power Man realizes that some of the loud buzzing in his head is actually coming from his communicator. "OH OH I forgot, I had set this thing on vibrate and so I did not notice it till now."

Power Man to Captain Growltigger, sorry for the delay in reporting. We got really tired (Smashed) Last night after all of our hard working (Partying). The team is still resting (sleeping it off). We managed to sample 89.456% of the ales. Taz has made up a shopping list that could choke a sheep. I will try to get the team to report in as soon as they wake up (recover).

"Oh by the way, Is there something going on up there ? I am here with Mayor Odiferous. He seems rather concerned about your declaring a state of war with the Galactic Federation. He says that his PEE tube is Way too small to assault anyone. And while he admits he "Sucks" it is not methane.

He seems to be blaming a wise old retired Major who lives in a subterranean Fortress, protected against all forms of warfare under the nearby "Mount Fartmore". The Major use to command the famous F (Fart) Troop the "Fighting Pains in the Anus" Troop 90210. He now lives in his fortress surrounded by sexy female clones, who serve his every needs.
This wizen "Oldest Fart" may not mean us any harm. I suggest that you use the "olive branch of peace" rather than your "planet busters" to contact him. If he does not listen to reason you can always hit him over the head with the branch and Then use the planet busters."

Captain I will report back again after I get back to the team.

[ May 08, 2003, 17:24: Message edited by: Power Man ]

[Raging Deadstar]

*Meanwhile aboard the TSSS Phongs Head...*

*The injured ensign hobbles down the hall ways, after many turbo lifts degrading him about the length of his gun, his accuracy and shooting technique he finally makes it to the desired location, the computers mainframe room. The hologram fizzles out and the floating droid then releases a cable that connects to one of the many sockets around the room. A red screen pops up and demands clearence to enter. The droid's programming enters "Growltigga, Love God" and "Knockers" as the password. It instantly begins downloading everything possible. Previous mission logs, crew profiles, ship blue prints, cargo information and the captains Online black book of aliens he's "bonked" With all this information transmitted back to the Deadstar satellite floating in orbit around the planet of Anus IV which then transfers the top secret information to the Officials of the Deadstar Continuum. With this task completed the droid reactivates the hologram projector and heads off towards the weapons room, the next phase of the deadstar's plans were on schedule..."

----=Message to The Wise Old One, Mac=----
From: Senator Deadstar

Our most Humble Greetings. We would greatly be hounoured by the assitance of yourself. We are troubled by the sudden appearence of the TSSS Phong's Head, who we know have beamed an away team down to the surface. We believe they will disrupt our planetary operations and would require your assitance in the "decapitation, if you will, of this threat. Our Operatives are standing by with orders to cripple the ship and if you would like the honour of exterminating The decorated Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat we would be happy to assist you. We believe the cloning of some athletic young liz hurleys bred for maximum stamina will be a sufficiant reward for your co-operation.
----=Message Ends=----

[Growltigger]

Captain Growltigga to Sub-Ensign Power Man,note you have been demoted for unbefitting conduct whilst on an away mission.

The honour of the Federation and illustrious service on TSSS Phong's Head only means you get drunk either on board or when I say you can.

Tell that snivelling mayor that I will withhold my engines of destruction, provided that miserable reprobate toad of a major in his undergorund fortress agrees to meet my assassination team, I mean, my friendship team when it beams down.

Tell that mayor that if he doesn't accede to this demand, I shall be forced to use planet buster bombs and phasers against the major's underground fortress such that Anus IV will be blown up its own bottom.......

He has been warned.......

[Power Man]

Power Man mutters to himself:
WHAT DEMOTED!! Why that @#$#$% puffed up %^%&& CAT ! I'd like to give his tale a YANK or TWO ! And after all my hard Work too. How Else are we to "seek out what's Brewing" if we don't sample what ales us??
I wonder how "The honour of the Federation and illustrious service on TSSS Phong's Head" is served by his "daddle daddle dum"ing his "rising rhubarb" and getting "tied up" by "dancing sheep". Maybe I ought to send my Uncle, Admriel High Horse at Federation Command Central a short note?
I am sure Captain "Cat" would Love a FCC investigation.

It looks like I had better start doing a little "Sucking Up" myself.

Taking out his communicator Power Man calls up to the ship.
"Power Man to the Great, All Powerful, Massively Endowed, Handsomely Striped, Powerful Singer, Captain Growltigga, I, your now even more lowly Peeon Power Man will tell "that snivelling mayor" your Great and Powerful words. He seems to have run off however so I must track him down."

I hope you will reconsider your supremely wise and just actions. From what we have Worked so Hard to discover, Fart Point Station and Anus IV would be a great ASSet to the Federation.
At least let your Away Team know before you "wipe out Anus IV's bottom".
We would like to get the Sh++ out of Anus IV before you give it the "Blow Job"."

Power Man Out.

Now which way back to the Re-Cover room ??? Were did that mayor run off to ??

[Katchoo]

Mr. S'Katchoo, having returned from his stay at the Betty Ford Clinic (aka Sickbay) enters the bridge just as the Captain begins issueing orders.

Captain: "..Sound red alert, bring the ship to battle stations, raise shields, charge phaser banks, load and arm all photon torpedoes, rig the shuttles as ground assault craft, arm all marines with ground attack weaponry and make sure the "planet buster" bombs are ready for launch.."

Mr. S'Katchoo gives the Captain a raised eyebrow. Shields?..Phaser banks?..Photon torpedoes?..Shuttles?..Marines?..Planet buster bombs? What does this Captain think this ship is? The Death Star?

But..the Captain wants "action", so i'll give it to him, muses Mr. S'Katchoo.

Sitting down to his Science Station, Mr. S'Katchoo unlocks the bottom cabinet and takes out his Guitar. Finally, with the Planetary Speakers on full bLast, Mr. S'Katchoo begins playing:

"Get your ski's shined up,
Grab a stick of Juicy Fruit.
The taste is gonnnnna move ya!
Take a strip,
Pull it ouuuut.
The taste is gonna move it when ya pop it in your mouuuuuth!

Juicy Fruit,
it's gonnnnna move ya!
Juicy soft,
it gets right to ya!
Juicy Fruit,
The taste the taste the taste is gonnna move ya!"

Meanwhile, down on Fart Point, people all over cup their hands over their ears and scream in terror...

[Power Man]

Power Man is still wandering the halls looking for the Re-Cover room and muttering about that *&^%$% CAT. Suddenly his ears are deafened by loud guitar music and some voice Kat-erwauling something about "grabbing the stick of a juicy fruit".
"This must be "The Word from our sponsor" we have been waiting for. Boy, you can't tell me they don't crank up the volume on those things. Well I know how to handle commercials." Power Man hits the mute button on his helmet and blocks the rest of the noise.

Power Man realizes that he may be lost. "I know I should have turned Left at that Last branch."
He sees that the walls have taken on a different, smoother, almost grown look. "This almost looks like Organic Tech!!"
He rounds a corner and sees three Old Fart Crones standing around a small vat of bubbling liquid. They are chanting as they add in various ingredients :
Eye of nute, toe of frog, wing of Bat, and tongue of dog this is how we make this Grog.

Oh this must be how they make the "Shake A Spear" ale. I'm glad I did not have any of That Last night.

Suppressing his Manly Needs Not to ask for Directions Power Man asks the Old Fart Crones for the way back to the Re-Cover room. They of course delight in telling him "Where to Go" and "How to Get There".

"Well How RUDE! Getting told off by those Old Farts. I will just have to keep looking for a way back myself"

Will Power Man find his way back? Will the rest of the Team ever wake up?? Will we get another Commercial??? Stay TOONED…..

[ May 09, 2003, 00:02: Message edited by: Power Man ]

[Taz-in-Space]

...Gradually recovering from his overzealous 'Taste-testing' of the liquid refreshments, Taz waits for the couch he is on to 'drop-out-of-warp' and stop spinning.

While he is waiting he thinks back on the experience. Fascinating how all the booze seemed to become whatever you were thinking about at the time. And that bar - wonder if that can fit in the PEE tube for the return 'beam-out'?

Suddenly Taz is assaulted by the most lethal-sounding noise imaginable: The Infamous Juicy Fruit Theme Song.

Jolted into action, Taz staggers to his feet and activates his communicator.

"Taz to Captain: Some fiend is using Banned WMD's
(Weapons of Mass Deafening) on us. Request you beam us and the nearby bar to safety."