Advise

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Wardad, LOL I did something like that in the service. It was amazingly funny. Except for the 'Winner'. I gave him back $10. The chances were a buck. He didn't seem to mind to much, then!

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[Wardad]

Ok kids, do not try this at home:

***
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian
and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could
fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said
the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in
Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear
and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the
world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed
counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, West
Virginia, and especially Tennessee.
***

[mlmbd]

Wardad LOL I will make sure I do not try it!!

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[Wardad]

You can give more than 100%:

***
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants "more than 100%." Well here's how you do that. Here's how you can achieve 103%. First of all, here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future. How does one achieve 100% in LIFE? Begin by noting the following.

IF :

A = 1, B = 2, C = 3, D = 4, E = 5, F = 6, G = 7, H = 8, I = 9, J = 10,
K = 11, L = 12, M = 13, N = 14, O = 15, P = 16, Q = 17, R = 18,
S = 19, T = 20, U = 21, V = 22, W = 23, X = 24, Y = 25, Z = 26,

Then:

H A R D W O R K =
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98%

Similarly,

K N O W L E D G E =
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96%

But interesting (and as you'd expect),

A T T I T U D E =
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%..... This is how you achieve 100% in LIFE.

But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or REALIZE), is

B U L L S ** T =
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management, and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100%!
***

[Wardad]

New joke of the Day...

***
There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'
***

[Ragnarok]

For any of you that get in a accident, hopefully you dont, but here is what you should do.

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

[mlmbd]

Wardad and rags, LOL

I am not sure which is funnier. I do know that the two combined, helped me pass a large sip of my coffee and part of a chocolate dogunt through my nose!

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