Bar Trek: The Next Generation. Episode 4: Sore Leave

[Growltigger]

Commander Taz/Guinan, thank you for mending the transporter, please energise....

The away team appear in the transporter room of the TSSS Phong's Head. It is a relief (I can tell you) to see the transporter operator not wearing a minging ginger goatee beard

The heroic Captain Growltigga takes the turbolift to the bridge... the doors open. The Captain evaluates the situation and whips out his phaser, horribly aware that whilst he and his brave colleagues have escaped from the USS Ginger Minger, unfortunately, the ginger bearded weirdoes transported onto the Phong's Head have not been returned to their own dimension...

Phasers to stun, let's kick some ginger backside

[Growltigger]

Make it so Mr Power Man, I would like to know where those wretched Deadstar space scum have gone to.

I feel that they have meddled with the TSSS Phong's Head and thr adventures of Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat and his intrepid crew once too often, first they interfered with out negotiations at Fart Point, secondly, I am sure they were responsible with our being beamed to the USS Ginger Minger, and third, the rotten swine shot at this ship...

If they want to meddle with the Galactic Federation, then we need to show them that the price for meddling is losing your hands at the wrists!!

Hmmmmm, we have a few Posts left for this episode, I suggest that in true Startrek TNG style, we spend the rest of this episode dealing with the personal problems of one of the crew... How about Taz's furballs (they are you know!)?, Deanna Gryphin's angst about his cleavage?, Commander Dogscoff's propensity for clenching apples between his buttocks?, Mr Power Man's homicidal tendencies?, Mr Kamog's abuse of poor animals? Mr S'Katchoo's mind melding abilities as employed in cottaging? My own tyrannical, violent and ever so charming propensities?

PS I am a black tiger on this episode, no orange fur on me!

PPS Mr Kamog, report to the captain's ready room. I need to have a severe word with you about abusing Barry. By the way, cover yourself in a nice Hollandaise sauce and dont wear your uniform. Barry says the threads get stuck between his teeth

[ May 20, 2003, 09:02: Message edited by: growltigger ]

[dogscoff]

dogscoff rematerialises on the transporter pad, and is almost immediately aware that something is wrong.

"Something wrong, commander?" Asks Erax, who is manning the transporter controls.
"I think someone ('Tigga) is trying to get rid of me." Replies a weary dogscoff. "Someone rigged the transporter so I'd end up in a completely random parallel universe."
"Yes," says Erax, honking his comedy red nose "you certainly don't look like you belong here."
With that, Erax flaps out of the transporter room in his size 18 shoes, just as the 'Tigga from this dimension walks in. He stops to squirt 'scoff in the face with water from a pLastic lapel-flower, before chastising him for not wearing his ClownFleet regulation giant green wig and baggy troUsers.

'Scoff sighs, goes over to the transporter controls, gives them a kick and steps back on the pad, hoping this time he will be sent back home.

[ May 20, 2003, 11:20: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[Erax]

"Engineering to Bridge. Cap'n, all our transporter problems seem to be fixed now. The computer says Commander Scoffo and Lieutenant Kamog are not aboard.

I could rig the transporters to trawl the dimensions for them, if you wish."

[dogscoff]

*dogscoff rematerialises on the transporter pad, and is pleased to see that 'Tigga has beamed 'scoff back personally.

"I see you changed your mind about banishing me to another dimension, Captain." says 'scoff.
"Why are you calling me Captain?" Says 'Tig. "The illustrious and manly Captain Fyron is in charge of this ship."

*Without another word, dogscoff kicks the sensitive workings of the transporter and steps back onto the pad.

[ May 20, 2003, 14:50: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[Growltigger]

Thank you Mr Erax, much as it hurts me to say this, it is a matter of tradition for the Galactic Federation that we never leave anyone behind, be they dead, wounded, drunk or having a quick knee trembler after hours. I suppose you better trawl the dimensions for our errant hirsute muppet of an executive officer.

Please also bring Kamog back as I have an appointment for him down in cargo bay 1, infact, I have a large vat of hollandaise sauce and dijon mustard to go with that appointment as well...

Hmmm, Mr Power Man, is there any sign of a trail of those Deadstar warships? this is a new contact for the Galactic Federation, and although the Deadstar Continumummummum have shown they are hostile, we should really make an attempt to contact them peacefully

Note to Mr Power Man, always make sure shields are always up, the phaser banks are charged and a full spread of photon torpedoes are ready to be launched..... I dont trust those sneaking deadstar scum!

[dogscoff]

*dogscoff materialises on the transporter pad, and is delighted to see that the transporter operator looks a lot like Holly Valance and is dressed only in a thin layer of strawberry jam.

"Welcome back, your excellency, the females of the galaxy have missed your commanding presence" she says, dropping to her knees in a gesture of (ahem) respect.

At that moment, 'scoff feels his atoms tingle as the Erax of the TSSS Phong's Head sweeps the dimensions for him locks onto his signal.

*dogscoff materialises back aboard the Cantina, sobbing uncontrollably.

[Growltigger]

Holly Valance covered in strawberry jam??

Doctor Geo, I know that you are a doctor, not a conserve and general home-economics whizz-kid but please could you give our first officer a sanity check..

he is just a little weird for his own good...

Now, did anyone see where that Milla Jojovich clone went covered in taramasalata and hummous?

[Erax]

"Engineering to Bridge. Cap'n, Commander Scoffo is aboard. We also have another Version of him in which he is an Elvis impersonator, one in which he is a cyborg and one in which he is three feet tall, has glowing yellow eyes and wears a hooded brown robe.

We are now searching for Lieutenant Kamog, I'll send the other Scoffos back to their original dimensions after we find him."

[Power Man]

OK Captain. Shields at “full Strength Relief”, Phasers at “Really Nasty”, and Torpedo banks at “High Interest”. To show our desire for peace I have hoisted the “Let’s PARTY” signal. Maybe we can bring some of the “Good Life” to the Deadstar Continumummummum.

The Deadstar ships appear to be heading to the “Dead Zone”, a region of Null energy that we know little about.

Captain ?? When did you dye your hair?? I thought I Just saw you on a lower deck. You were trying to hide your face and feel up a yoMan at the same time.

Captain (If it Really Is You) I suggest you hunt down your double-minger and get him off your ship!!
Don’t forget to use your own tyrannical, violent and ever so charming propensities and try to get him to take over His dimension.


(See we still have some unfinished business in This episode.)

[dogscoff]

one in which he is three feet tall, has glowing yellow eyes and wears a hooded brown robe.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Utini!!!

*Jawa-dogscoff immediately begins stripping down the transporter for saleable spare parts...

Meanwhile, real-dogscoff takes Elvis-dogscoff down to 10fwd for a (dozen) burger(s).

[ May 20, 2003, 16:46: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[Erax]

Originally posted by dogscoff:


*Jawa-dogscoff immediately begins stripping down the transporter for saleable spare parts...

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">"Arg !! Here, you !! We can't have that, I just got through fixing that Transporter there !!"

Erax picks Jawa-dogscoff up off the floor by the back of his robe and carries him to the brig.

"Cap'n, we are having some, um, technical problems here, it may be a while before we find Kamog."

(how do we know it's a Jawa-dogscoff ? Easy, his goatee peeks out from under the hood).

[Raging Deadstar]

*The deadstar fleet quickly disperses in several directions and one of them launches a small craft which heads back towards the TSSS Phong's Head. Eventually after being thoroughly scanned (including what colour the lone female crew members thong is!) the ship is allowed to dock with the Phong's Head. The attractive Talena Atfield pilot Boards the ship and escorted by the red shirts with bulging eyes and are drooling. She is also accompanied by a host of more Jawa's who whilst the deadstar were in the vicinity scanned the ships CCTV and saw a scottish engineer pyhsically violating a jawa, and must stick up for their species honour, despite the fact this jawa has a ginger beard. The red shirts have to stop the jawa from stealing anything whilst Talena has to phaser a too eager Power Man who's hands were getting too close for comfort. She reaches the Bridge and gives Captain Jean Luc Le grand Chat and begins her speech.*

"Greetings from the Deadstar Continuum..." She looks unimpressed as GT slyly eyes her cleaverage.
"AHEM Eyes up here Please!" pointing to her eyes.
"We may have not got off to a good start but we would like to inform you we did not fire on your ship, we believe it's the work of a bunch of pirates or mercenaries working for a crime lord called Ragnarok. Now we are willing to forgive you for this misconception..." Notices where GT's eyes are heading.
"Eyes.... Ok so we are willing to exchange cultural information and beer recipe's, but any form of treaty is far off. Just be careful not to trespass in Deadstar space, we can't be held accountable for any losses to your precious federation! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif Now i'm afriad you'll have to settle this dispute with the Jawa and they demand the engineer who assaulted the jawa dogscoff be handed over for interrorgation and humiliation!"

*She heads back to her ship to relax as the jawa begin jumping at GT's arms shouting demands and making a nuiscance of themselves like little children, she smiles wondering how GT will settle this dispute and how they can interrorgate a scottish engineer... maybe showing him a brand new shiny nacelle engine and torpedoing it to oblivion!*

[Erax]

Luckily for Erax, the bridge intercom was on and he heard this whole exchange.

"They won't take me, no they won't, bunch of strange creatures, It doesn't even look like there is anything under their robes to assault anyway !"

Erax hurriedly re-assembles the transporter control panel (cyborg Scoffo, who has been forgotten up to now and wants to get back home, assists him in this) and uses his own signal as a template. He soon locks on to an Erax from another dimension and beams him directly to the bridge.

On the bridge, an Erax who wears a red shirt and has a huge, frizzy, bushy beard materializes amidst the Jawas.

"I am Comrade Engineer Erax of the People's Democratic Federation of Planets, and I demand to be returned to my ship immediately !"

[Growltigger]

Captain Slog, Stardate 12.53 GMT Hmmmm, I wonder where that useless first officer of mine has got to these days, oh well, we are not missing him and the bridge seems a much nicer place when he is not there.

We are cruising at warp 1, slowly picking up the trail of the Deadstar warships which attacked us and then fled after my, ahem, interuption of their normal bridge facilities. There is nothing like extreme force to persuade someone to turn tail.

The TSSS Phong's Head is such a relief. No gingers are aboard, and the only person with a goatee is missing

What could happen next?

[Kamog]

After three days of unconsciousness, Kamog wakes up... the Last thing he remembers is being beaten up by a bearded FBW in 10 Forward.

Where am I? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif

Kamog goes to a computer panel on the wall. "Computer, what is my location?"
Computer: "Lieutenant Kamog is not on the ship."

Checking his communicator, Kamog notices that there is an order from the Captain. "What, I'm supposed to cover myself in Hollandaise sauce, don't wear a uniform, and go to cargo bay 1? ...Okie Dokie..."

Taking off his uniform, Kamog notices that it's not his usual uniform that he was wearing. It has a weird sash and instead of the familar TSSS logo there's a strange inverted-V type of logo. Also, he notices that he's grown a beard.

"Now, where can I get some Hollandaise sauce?" Unfortunately, Kamog is totally disoriented and has no clue where he is. He goes to a nearby door and opens it. It looks like somebody's quarters. Fortunately, there's a replicator in the dining area. "Computer, bottle of Hollandaise sauce, please". There's a brief shimmer of light and a bottle appears. Taking the bottle, Kamog starts applying some sauce to himself, but then stops.

"Hmm, it's no fun putting this sauce on myself. It will be a lot nicer to have a cute FBW put the sauce on for me. Maybe I can then put some sauce on her... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif "

Carrying the bottle in one hand and his uniform in the other, Kamog goes out into the hall. "Uh, oh, I just remembered I'm not in the best of relations with the FBW's lately. I really shouldn't have pulled on her beard. I know! I'll go to the holodeck and get a holo-FBW to do it."

Walking down the hall, Kamog notices somebody walking towards his direction. "Uh, oh, it's the Kylie Clone FBW!" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif Not wanting another painful confrontation, Kamog quickly opens a hatch, dives into a narrow service duct, and crawls away.

[Taz-in-Space]

...As the real Taz reaches Ten Forward Lounge, he spots his Minger double behind the bar. His double is apparently trying to get the crew to change to NON-alcoholic drinks and seems to be giving the FBWs some hair care tips. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

Tapping Minger-Taz on the shoulder he points to the Lounge office. Minger-Taz then prances around the bar and spins into the office.

Gods! He prances and even spins to the left ! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif

Hoping to save this poor creature, Taz proceeds to try to rehabilitate it by exposing it to some more wholesome experiences - (Via 10 Forwards Holo-suite) - Triple XXX 'birds & Bees' instruction, Taste-testing of the 100 most popular alcoholic beverages, Violence 101 for cartoon characters, and the complete course in "How to be a Terror: Tasmanian Devil style." http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

Hours later Taz calls Erax and tells him to transport the hopefully rehabilitated Minger-Taz back to the Minger dimension. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Taz to Captain: 10 Forward secure and ready for another mission. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Growltigger]

The delivery of a large bunch of red roses and expensive perfume to the Deadstar scout ship does the trick and shortly thereafter, the Talena Atfield pilot is resting in Captain Jean Luc le Grand Chat's muscular arms, at peace with the galaxy after a stonking good meal and a good stonking....

A non-aggression treaty is negotiated between the Deadstar Continumumumum and the Galactic Federation and a mutual aggression pact against the rebel Ragnarok is agreed......

The Talena Atfield pilot returns to her ship, full of warm and happy thoughts for the Galactic Federation..

The Captain strolls back onto the bridge. Mr Power Man and Mr S'Katchoo (where the hell is he anyhow?), locate Commander Kamog and ask him to report to my ready room instantly. Also locate Mr Erax and ask him to report in. Inform security to round up all the jawas and put them into cargo bay 1, tell them also to cover the jawas in a bolognese sauce before they put them in there, Barry has a dicky tummy, tell the two Taz's to assist the redshirts in this endeavour..

Mr Power Man, try and com the doctor for me will you, I need him to think of way to get rid of all the minger gingers on this ship..

Captain to crew, with immediate effect, all beards are Banned, especially on the girls

PS chaps, in Startrek, the captain always got his lass, why not here?

[Erax]

Erax takes stock of the situation.

Jawa-dogscoff has been returned to his dimension.
Security has fed all the other jawas to Barry.
Cyborg-dogscoff has gone back to his dimension too.
Elvis-dogscoff is still eating burgers.
There may still be a minger-Power Man aboard, but that's Dr. Geo's problem.

"This is it, I've been working on this cursed transporter ever since this episode began, it's time for a break !"

Erax sets the transporter to automatic scan and pickup for Kamog (with beam forwarding to the brig so Kamog's other Versions won't cause any mischief) and meets his Communist counterpart in Ten Forward for a round of political debate on the merits of scotch whiskey vs. vodka.

[Power Man]

OK Captain.
Taking a clue from Taz, Power Man and the Doctor determine that one way to tell who's minger (aside from the goatee) is give them a scan. All their atoms spin to the Left.
Together they hook up the ship's sensors to the transporter and "slide" all the "oddly spinning" mingers back to were they came from.

Captain: All of the mingers are off the ship.
Records show that we did NOT beam the minger Tigga back!!

Captain , one of our "Kitten class" shuttles is gone from shuttle bay 3.
I have found it on our long range scanners. It is heading to the Pink Triangle Nebula.
I can not tell who is aboard it at this range.

This may be were the minger-captain and Mr S'Katchoo went.

Permission to pursue and capture Captain ??

[Katchoo]

Originally posted by Power Man:
Captain , one of our "Kitten class" shuttles is gone from shuttle bay 3.
I have found it on our long range scanners. It is heading to the Pink Triangle Nebula.
I can not tell who is aboard it at this range.

This may be were the minger-captain and Mr S'Katchoo went.

Permission to pursue and capture Captain ??<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Meanwhile, aboard said Shuttle, Science Officer S'Katchoo claps his hands gleefully as the Minger Ginger Captain dances about, performing some of the best Cabaret Mr. S'Katchoo has ever seen!

Suddenly, the lights darken and a disco ball drops from the ceiling. Just as the rear-compartment door slides open, 'Staying Alive' by the Bee Gees starts playing. Standing up, Mr S'Katchoo joins the Minger Ginger Captain on the dance floor, just as the John Travolta clones from the Disco Universe come out and start dancing.

The view shifts to the exterior of the Shuttle, where we get to see it begin to rock lightly from side to side.

The bumber sticker "If this Shuttle's a rockin', don't come a knockin'" can be clearly seen on the rear bumper...

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

[Ragnarok]

Captain Jean Luc le Grand Chat is sitting in his Captains chair day dreaming about his "expieriences" of the day when suddenly across the big screen TV viewer comes a video of RD secretly getting to know Captain Jean Luc le Grand Chat's female crew a bit "better". RD is trying them all out for size. The look on Captain Jean Luc le Grand Chat's face says it all; absolute disgust with RD - the leader of the Deadstar Continuum. Then the video cuts out and the face of an dark evil looking figure comes onto the screen - with an eye patch. "Arrr," begins the dark figure, with a growl in his voice he continues, "I see you have a stearrring wheel hanging from your pants Captain Jean Luc le Grand Chat, it much be drivein you nuts, Arrr." The figure begins to laugh in classic Dr. Evil fashion at what he finds as funny but in reality no one is laughing and he looks like a complete idiot. "Ahem," he begins again, "I have heard that this Raging Deadstar has been telling you that I am an evil pirate that you need to watch out for; and while this is true to an extent, I am working for a secret organization found withen your Federation. So if you chase me you will indeed be investigated and sought out for destruction by my organization. I suggest you go after that evil RD who is mingling with your crew a bit more then a non-aggression treaty would stipulate." As the screen begins to flicker out this evil figure snaps his fingers and Captain Jean Luc le Grand Chat's clothes are suddenly gone. "Just something I learned from this person named Q a couple weeks ago. That fellow is a funny one I tell you."

[Raging Deadstar]

*Raging Deadstar laughs hysterically at the look on Growltiggers face as he gets dressed and sends the Federation crew back to their shuttle, complimenting the one tigga's had his eye on for a few months. Hehehe a good jiggle around and a few moaning noises fools everyone. He pays the leaving females some cash out of sympathy, i mean do you know what a cats reproductive organs do!! (If anyone's read Red Dwarf The novel BackWards you'll understand) He happily gets dressed and watches the video and laughs again at Jean Luc Le Grand Chats face as Ragnarok totally humiliates him. The grand Goddess steps down from her throne as he leaves and smiles, and kisses him. Deadstar has performed for her well. He prepares the shipment of Clones for Ragnarok and dispatches the ship, with this uneasy peace it was nice to have an ally to fight alongside if war came. The disgraced Talena Atfield saunters in ashamed of her actions, perhaps her failure and accepting a non aggression treaty could work to their advantage. The Clone is sent to a disinfectant after being "tarnished" and it's memory wiped, we certainly don't need GT's lack of sexual prowess making them think thats the standard for men in the universe. You know what they say about cats, no good in bed as they always land on their feet! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif *

[Kamog]

After escaping from the FBW, Kamog finally makes it down to the cargo deck by crawling through the ventilation ducts.

"Before I report to Cargo Bay 1, I better shave this beard off. I heard that there's a general order banning all beards now... Uh, oh, I don't have my razor with me."

Walking down the hall, Kamog sees a phaser pistol in a recharging holster on the wall.
"OK, I can use this to zap my beard, and it will be fine..."

Kamog sets the phaser to "disintegrate", holds the end beside his chin, and presses the "fire" button. VZZZZTTT! The goatee is instantly atomized into a fine vapor. Suddenly, there's a loud hissing sound to the left. The bLast has hit a plasma conduit, and super hot plasma is leaking out. Electrical arcs are crackling all over the wall, and tons of toxic steam is gushing out. Immediately, sirens go off and red lights come on.

Computer: "Emergency. Plasma leak on deck 20. Closing bulkhead doors..."
Kamog: "Uh, oh, that's not good..."

Kamog runs into Cargo Bay 1, as the bLast doors slam down to either side of the hallway. Inside the Cargo bay, there's a crowd of Jawas covered in balognese sauce, and Barry the T-rex viciously mauling at a couple of them. The instant Barry sees Kamog, Barry drops the Jawas and starts running straight for Kamog, stepping on a few other Jawas in the process.

Kamog runs out the Cargo bay, but he is trapped. The hallway is sealed on both sides. In desperation, he ducks behind a couple of panicking Jawas, and holds up his bottle of Hollandaise sauce. Barry comes bursting through the door.

Suddenly, there's a shimmer of light and Kamog, along with two jawas, are transported out!

"Hey, what's going on? Why am I in the brig?" The two jawas, covered in balognese sauce, muddle around the cell in confusion.

"Someone, please let us out..."

[dogscoff]

Let's leave him iin there and see how hungry he has to get before he resorts to Jawa-licking http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Growltigger]

Hmmmm... the sad news for Raging Deadstar is that a fair majority of the female proportion of the TSSS Phong's Head crew have caught a variety of nasty and unpleasant sexually transmitted diseases.

I think they caught these off Kamog and Dogscoff and as our trusty doctor seems to have gone AWOL, they cannot be cured yet.

Ragnarok, I am a bit confused where you are doing your evil gloating from? you are not on board, you dont have the power to beam images of yourself halfway across the galaxy, you cannot be in a cloaked ship cos we would blow that from space as soon as we saw it, you are not Q so don't have the power to remove my clothing and strangley, you seem to be suffering from awful hallucinations.....

Barry licking Jawa-Bolognese concoctions, Kamog cowering and covered in hollandaise sauce, ooh this is fun...

Captain Growltigga signing out, to infinity and beyond!

[Raging Deadstar]

Originally posted by Raging Deadstar:
*Raging Deadstar laughs hysterically at the look on Growltiggers face as he gets dressed and sends the Federation crew back to their shuttle, complimenting the one tigga's had his eye on for a few months. Hehehe a good jiggle around and a few moaning noises fools everyone.*<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Look above GT, If you misunderstood i NEVER had sex with your crew! hehehe think i would have sex with any of your crew GT? Not likely after you've had them all and when i have an empire of Attractive gothic girls waiting back home for me to look at, Anyway the only person i'm having fun with is my Goddess, ruler of the Deadstar Continuum, i'm just the puppet ruler!

*Raging Deadstar laughs evily as he watches the CCTV Of the ship and smiles as he sees Power Man getting it on with tigga's favourite 10 Forward waitress/love toy, the one who apparently has an exotic STD. RD looks away as he heres Power Man screaming as gigantic ballon sized green warts start inflating from his love pump and as he runs with a towel barely disguising the situation he reaches Dr Geoschmo Med lab. There on the computer screen is a message...*

"DR Geoschmo is out. If you're a red shirt ensign with a phaser wound to the toe please report to Cargo Bay 1 with a sauce of your choice for a celebratory "Buffet" hosted by our very Own Barry!

If you are Seriously injured i suggest you remmeber that i'm currently "indisposed" helping a FBW Recover from "exhaustion" due to the Captains frivelous activities! They're so much easier to Molest when they're tired....*evil grin face* Still here, Dammit I'm a Doctor not a babysitter for incapable Crewmembers!"

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Power Man]

Fortunately Power Man knows were the Doc keeps the "Sticky Wicket" brand penicillin (you know the one that says "Its Good For What Ails You").

He grabs a good "Dose" of the pills.

He also takes a tube of Preparation STD ointment (also available in giant suppositories).
Returning to his cabin with his cure well "in Hand", he vows to be a "Good Boy". "Next time I'll see a Fuzzy Bunny Dealer from my Card Room. I know they always play with a "clean deck."

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

[Growltigger]

Captain Growltigga has started an interesting business sideline. Thanks to the internal scanner in the PVC and black leather lined Captain's Ready Room, Kapitan Jean Luc Le Mucho Grande Calientes Saucisson Le Chat is raking it in selling DVD's of his, ahem, intimate liaisons to discerning connossieurs in the galaxy!

The room is available for hire should anyone in the crew wish to avail themselves of this facility

[Growltigger]

hee hee, note that in a fit of Bar Trek-esque related insanity, I have changed my handle to the great captain himself!

[Erax]

'Tig, that must be the silliest idea I've heard in my entire life.

Edit : That's why I'm doing it too !! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[ May 24, 2003, 10:15: Message edited by: Chief Engineer Erax ]

[Taz-in-Space]

Do you prefer the title of Captain Chat or will a simple Mr. Chat do? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

[Raging Deadstar]

I agree, thats the dumbest thing i heard, shame on you!

Ahh what the heck, I'll do it too!

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Note: Does the Galactic Federation allow Captains to have X rated side businesses? Though after seeing your "neotigations" with my emissary i wouldn't be suprised... I'll get my tactical Weapons officer to study this film, maybe it will reveal some of Jean Luc Le Grand Chats combat techniques... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

[Taz-in-Space]

Since there appears to be a pause in the action aboard the Tsss Phong's Head, let me take this opportunity to introduce the latest feature film of our Illustrous Captain:

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/newuploads/1053920156.GIF

This grand production was filmed exclusively in our own Captain's Ready Room and features our own Captain Jean Luc le Grand Chat.
See the heroic Captain in this his latest amourous 'tail'.
See his encounters with Thing One And Thing Two.
This production is rated XXX x 10^10!

All this is now currently being shown for a limited time in HoloDecks 3 and 4. BYOBB*

Show price is a low 10,000 minerals.

* Bring your own barf-bag

[Kamog]

Does the Captain do the "Gryphin Position" and "Circle the Wagon" in that movie? I STILL don't know what they are. I'll start saving up my minerals so I can see this show - maybe, just maybe, I can finally learn the secret of what Gryphin Position and CTW are! ...On second thought, perhaps it's not appropriate for members of the crew to see their Captain doing stuff like that... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Growltigger]

Kamog, unfortunately no-one (other than the Boston Sex Fiend himself) knows what "Circling the Wagons" and the "Gryphin Position" actually are...

That discussion was the underpin of the whole start-up of the Cantina thread. We still dont know and I suspect, we will not ever find out (and even if we did, we would probably need a medical dictionary, a dictionary of yoga terms and postions and an unarmed combat manual to understand it!!)

PS It is probably outlawed by most nations, and probably by some of the more straight-laced religions too

PPS Taz/Guinan - "Captain" will do, as will "Skipper", "Boss-man" or "Bwana". To you, "Sir" is most appropriate

[ May 27, 2003, 09:31: Message edited by: Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat ]

[Growltigger]

Originally posted by Senator Raging Deadstar:
maybe it will reveal some of Jean Luc Le Grand Chats combat techniques... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Oh, I am sure it will. As you may or may not know, Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat is a black belt in the esoteric unarmed combat mode known as "Kat Fu"..

Gaze upon the video, and your tactical weapons officer will learn a plethora of mystic and arcane Kat Fu moves such as:

Stiki Nobi
Rumpi Pumpi
Licki Slurpi
Girli ona toppee
Too Wun Fun
Bottee Biti

and dont forget the infamous

Monee Shoti http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[ May 27, 2003, 13:42: Message edited by: Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat ]

[Power Man]

Power Man is resting in his cabin.
He desides to watch some movies .

He looks at the list of some of the "adult offerings".

"I see that the Captian is trying to make a little "scratch" on the side.
Some of those titles look interesting.
But why are they listed in the "Selected Short Subjects" section?? "


Captain, have you gone after the "minger" captian yet? We Last saw hime heading to the Pink Triangle Nebula.

[Growltigger]

Power Man, I thought I would leave the minger ginger Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat for a "Generations" type of event in a later series!

Dont worry, leotard wearing nancy boys will get their comeuppence and no mistake.

Hmmmm.. this thread seems to have slowed down, bit of a boring second episode I feel....

I wonder if we should land the TSSS Phong's Head and revert it back to a cantina?

[Erax]

Twelve more Posts and we can wrap this episode. No, make that eleven now.

Erax is still drinking in Ten Forward BTW.

[dogscoff]

Fair comment 'Tig. However, we could have noe Last stab at it. Anyone fancy re-hashing this favourite episode?

http://www.johnskeedvabbq.com/Transcripts/RA.html

No prizes for anyone who spots the deliberate mistake...

[Raging Deadstar]

We can't turn it back into a cantina, i personally think you guys wrapped it up too soon! In the first episode it was ok cos no-one had a clue on how to finish but this was simple! Beam the mingers back to their dimension, hmm we need to liven up this episode, let me see what i can do....

*Due to the inexplicable laws of the universe which the TSSS Phong's head is travelling through, the one dogscoff created which has a typical star trek attitude (if a universe can have an attitude) the TSSS Phong's head is suddenly propelled into a rip between the minger dimension and this one (this so over done!) and from the swirling colours of energy comes a ship, but it's not like any other ship, it's exactly like the Phong's Head, except for the fact it has a large ginger synthetic beard on the front and has a peace symbol on the top. Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat has to make a choice, surely it wouldn't be right to fire on a ship full of Pacifists, but it's already the second episode and we havn't seen any ship to ship combat and special effects! Will The captain let the Bar Trek series fail so spectacularly? Will he show them the way back home and come across as the peaceful, suave Picard and let us become a cantina again? Or will he show us the tigga we all know and partially like when he isn't shoving red hot pokers up our backsides? The series lies in Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chats hands!*

Come on, 9 Posts left! just enough to destroy the minger TSSS Phong's head, keep the Bar Trek series alive! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[ May 28, 2003, 19:12: Message edited by: Senator Raging Deadstar ]

[Growltigger]

Captain Slog, article 248.7(b)(iii)(a) fourth codicil (yes, the ink is dry!!) of the Prime Directive dictates that I should always destroy any ship full of namby pamby gusset licking winnet sniffing ginger minger hirsute pansy girly-boys I come across....

Mr Power Man, charge phaser banks, raise shields, load photon torpoedoes, launch defence drones and arm all crew for a marine assault against the ginger minger....

Mr S'Katchoo turns to the captain and says "huge phase imbalance near that nebulae captain, something big and nasty is coming through". In a swirling cloud of incandescence, a large evill looking Klingon cruiser warps into space, and proceeds to head toward Fart Point.

"Captain" says Mr Power Man, "they are charging up their disrupters and obviously mean to destroy the people of Fart Point, and probably the brewery too"

"Captain to Ensign Patsy, signal the TSSS Ginger Minger, stress to them the gravity of the situation and that we need their help", "signal acknowledged Captain" says Patsy "they will assist and are charging up their pink lycra quantum torpoedoes".

Both vessels bear down on the evil Klingons buggers who dont appear to have noticed the two ships...

"Fire Phasers, launch photon torpedoes" yells the captain, a fiery bLasts hit the rear of the klingon ship and give a right good buffing. "Shields down on the klingon vessel" yells Mr S'Katchoo, "keep firing" says the captain, "defensive pattern delta, fire pattern omega, trouser staining pattern alpha"..

The klingon vessel begins to turn as the USS Ginger Minger closes to point blank range and fires the Pink Torpedoes. They smash into the klingon ship and give the crew a good tickling, and for some reason turn the klingon vessel pink and cerise!

THe klingon vessel turns to face the Ginger Minger, "Oh no" says Mr Power Man, "we are too far away to assist them"...

What will happen next? we have 6 Posts left to wrap up this episode, creative destruction only please (and keep it real) http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Power Man]

Captain: I suggest we use the famous "Pic a Card" Maneuver.

With that Power Man launches 3 Vary large playing cards at the Klingon ship.
One card has a full length photo of a Fuzzy Bunny Dealer in a tiny Dealer's uniform.
The other two have photos of some old terrorists.

"Signal the Klingons tell them if they pick the right card they will get the Prize."

The cards flip over and begin to weave a complex pattern. The Klingon ship turns to follow the cards. Their disrupters fire at the cards again and again but keep missing.

Power Man maneuvers the Phong's Head "Lean Right, Lean Left, Lean Right" .

"Captain, they have weakened their aft shields. We should hit them now where it will Really Hurt!"

"Fire Phasers, Let Loose the Cats of War , launch photon torpedoes" yells the Captain.
(Insert several Phaser firing special effects and those neat "thoom thomm" photon torpedo firing shots.)

The Klingon vessel is hit and badly damaged by the Ferocious Feline's attack.
"Shields down on the Klingon vessel. Their weapons and life support systems are off line." yells Mr S'Katchoo.

"Signal the Klingon vessel. Tell them we demand their immediate surrender!"

[Raging Deadstar]

*Suddenly a little screen appears on the TSSS Phong's head's Viewscreen and minimises to the bottom corner, there in this screen is a very confused Senator Deadstar*

Originally posted by Katchoo:
Meanwhile, aboard said Shuttle, Science Officer S'Katchoo claps his hands gleefully as the Minger Ginger Captain dances about, performing some of the best Cabaret Mr. S'Katchoo has ever seen!

Suddenly, the lights darken and a disco ball drops from the ceiling. Just as the rear-compartment door slides open, 'Staying Alive' by the Bee Gees starts playing. Standing up, Mr S'Katchoo joins the Minger Ginger Captain on the dance floor, just as the John Travolta clones from the Disco Universe come out and start dancing.

The view shifts to the exterior of the Shuttle, where we get to see it begin to rock lightly from side to side.

The bumber sticker "If this Shuttle's a rockin', don't come a knockin'" can be clearly seen on the rear bumper...

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">EXCUSE MEZ but S'Katchoo is currently gone in the Pink Triangle Nebula, that means that your Science Officer is a MINGER!

*Screen switches to S'katchoo who suspiciously has a large "Buzz Lightyearesque" chin, it seems The Minger S'Katchoo has added a chin extension to hide the ginger goatee he has. My guess is he stayed behind because in the Minger Universe S'Katchoo likes Aggressive Tigers!*

*Scene also switches to the brig where kamog is sitting in a corner salviating with large eyes. The camera switches to what Kamog is seeing and there is a Bunch of Jawas but their midsections replaced by cooked ham, chicken and a burger*

So so my fellow posters you have to finish the episode credibly with the following stories either continuued to the next episode or finished*

What will become of the Minger Phong's head, after helping the TSSS Phong's Head defend against the kling-ons will Jean Luc Le Grand Chat let them return to their dimension in peace, or will they be blown into tiny minger fragments?

What will happen to minger S'Katchoo?

What will Jean Luc do about the missing Minger Jean Luc and the Real Science officer S'katchoo? Will there be pun-ishment for abandoning ship for intimate liasons with the captain from another universe?

And will Kamog resort to Jawa Licking? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Theres your mission guys, as GT always says
"Make it so" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

[ May 29, 2003, 18:57: Message edited by: Senator Raging Deadstar ]

[Erax]

Erax looks up from his drink as the alarm sirens go off. In his befuddled state, he confuses them with the "intruder aboard" alert.

"Oh, right. Jesh my luck, I take a break fer a few minutesh an' it'sh intrudersh aboard, aye, Engineeer Erax washn't doing hish job, beaming all the aliensh back to their dimensionsh. Better get on with it already, then.

Erax and Communist-Erax get up, one supporting the other, and head for the transporter room. After some fumbling with the controls, Erax sends his double back, then scans the ship.

"Aye, we 'ave some trans-dim, trans-dim, some folksh who are not from the Phong aboard. Better get rid of them fast."

Minger S'Katchoo is whisked away from the bridge. The brig's forcefield is taken down for a brief instant, enough to allow the jawas to be sent on their way.

"Now where did that do-nutting assishtant of mine get to ? Oh, right, I had'im beamed to the brig."

Erax goes down to the brig to locate Kamog.

"There you are ! You look hungry, want a haggis sandwich ?"

[Katchoo]

Meanwhile in the Pink Triangle Nebula, the TSS Phong's Head Shuttle "Herpes" has docked with several other smaller Ships, such as a Winnebego marked as "Eagle 5", and a silver saucer ship.

Aboard the Herpes, Mr. S'Katchoo is hosting a party. Music reverberates through the hull and everyone is dancing. Mr S'Katchoo, also on the dance floor, butt slams into a large half man-half dog humanoid, and the Minger Ginger Captain slow dances with a smaller thin grey alien with large black oval eyes. Off in a corner, several of the grey aliens are comparing their...aft probing instruments...with the vibrating vegetable belonging to the Princess from Planet Druidia.

Suddenly Mr S'Katchoo crumbles to the floor, obviously in agony. The half man-half dog (or Mog) investigates.

Mog: "Are you alright?"

Mr S'Katchoo: "No... I suddenly felt the anguishing cries of a billion lives, but they're gone now. I feel something terrible has happened..."

Mog: "Want another White Dwarf Swirlly?"

Mr. S'Katchoo: "Yes...no, I can't. I must return to the Phong's Head and warn the crew. There is a great and terrible force approaching. It might be here at any moment...or in several years. It's hard to tell. I'm not a psychologist you know."

The Mog puts a reassuring hand on Mr. S'Katchoo's shoulder.

Mog: "There there pal. Here, have a Milkbone."

*cruch*crunch*crunch*

Mr S'Katchoo: "Computer, set course back to the TSS Phong's Head, maximum speed."

Computer: "Sure thing, sweet cheeks!"

And with that, the Herpes breaks away from the other Ships and speeds off towards the Phong's Head.

Unfortunately, S'Katchoo forgot to tell the rest of the party go'ers that he was leaving, and so everyone who was on board the Herpes for the party is stuck aboard for the Herepes trip back.

[Kamog]

Kamog has spent the Last several days locked up in the brig along with two frightened Jawas.

"Hey, is that a nice burger I see?!" ... *blinks a few times*
"No, it's a Jawa... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif "

A few minutes later.
"Wow! A big chunk of cooked ham! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif " *opens bottle of Hollandaise sauce*
The image of ham wavers and takes the form of a small humanoid with glowing eyes.
"What! It's that Jawa again! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif "

Much later...
"Hmm, I wonder what Jawa tastes like? Maybe it's not so bad..."

Fortunately for the Jawas, they are transported out before they turn into a Moogle's lunch.
"Hey, I knew I should have eaten them when I had the chance! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif "

Happily, Kamog is saved by Chief Engineer Erax.

"Haggis sandwich? Thank you, sir! I'm starving!" Kamog devours the sandwich that Erax brought.

[Growltigger]

crackles of electricity spark across the stricken Klingon vessel, plasma is jetting out from the engine nacelles, atmosphere is venting from holes in the hull...

The fearless Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat turns to his communications officer, Ensign Patsy the PVC Pervert, and asks if the Klingons have signalled their surrender. Patsy replies that all she got was someone sounding like they were talking Norwegian with a mouthful of gravel swearing at her..

"Hmmm" thinks the heroic captain, "I guess that means they wont surrender". Mr Power Man, lock on the tractor beam and signal the marines to prepare for boarding".

"Captain" says Power Man, "I read a large energy surge on the Klingon ship, they have set their reactor to overload so it will self destruct. Oh no, they are also launching some sort of weapon"...

The Klingon captain appears on the viewscreen "you Galactic Federation scum have beaten us this time, we never mind being beaten in a fair fight by a superior tactician as yourself Jean Luc Le Grand Chat, but asking your allies to fire ticlking weaponry at us which paints our ship pink is dishonorable and cowardly... they are an affront to civilised warfare and the klingon warrior code. We will take care of that and have launched our secret high explosive anti minger missile to sort this out". The captain coughs a couple of times and keels over...

"Activate point defence weaponry Mr Power Man, try and stop that missile before it hits the Ginger Minger"

"It is too far away Captain, it is too far away, hold on, what's this, the shuttle Herpes has appeared on the screens heading towards us at high speed. Oh my god, it is heading for the Ginger Minger and the klingon missile has locked on to it, oh no, scanners show that Mr S'Katchoo is on board."

"Quick, beam that mincing pervert off that shuttle"

"Aye aye Captain, Mr S'Katchoo is now on the transporter pad aboard the Phong's Head" says Power Man...

Just before it hits the Herpes, Mr Power Man manages to intercept the missile with a point defense bLast, the missile explodes and the force of the explosion is so powerful that it opens a dimensional rift to the minger dimension, and propels the Ginger Minger and the Herpes to that dimension!!

The dimensional rift disappears...

The crew of the Phong's Head is complete. The Klingon ship explodes and space is clear and happy!

[David E. Gervais]

...Psssst, hey people, Taz is acting up in my avatar thread again,.. y'all should drop by and see what he's doing..

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Taz-in-Space]

Taz quickly grabs the 300th Cantina post...and whirls on over to David's thread to see what I'm doing!! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Growltigger]

OK, Episode 2 closes with thumping good music, pictures of the TSSS Phong's Head zooming past the screen, and the occassional still shot of Captain Jean Luc looking heroic, photon torpedoes hitting the klingon ship, Kamog stuffed in the brig with jawas, S'Katchoo doing the hokey kokey with a bunch of ponces, a still from the Captain's video, more pictures of Jena Luc looking heroic and the like.

OK, episode 2 was a bit of a minger. What are we doing for episode 3? we need something with a bit more action, a more pazzazz and joi de vivre

Any (sensible) ideas

[Erax]

I still vote for S'Katchoo's Brain.

[Power Man]

How about the oen were the DS9 folks went back in time to the Tribble episode in the Old Star Trek. We would have to "behave" ourselves as to not contaminate the time line. RD could be the villian trying to kill of Kirk and mess up the time line.

And I would get to try out to Real "Tribble Wings" made with real Tribbles.
UMMM Tribble wings, ALGGGGGG . Drool slobber slobber..... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[dogscoff]

After remembering just how bad the original episode was, S'Katchoo's brain clinches it.

Here's the synopsis (http://www.startrek.com/library/tos_episodes/episodes_tos_detail_68782.asp) (Couldn't find a script).

[Growltigger]

Cue opening credits, sights of the TSSS Phong's Head shooting through space and even more heroic pictures of the intrepid crew of this galactic marvel...

The episode banner pops up onto the screen, "THE QUEST FOR S'KATCHOO's BRAIN"

Camera pans back to a space view of the TSSS Phong's Head. The camera zooms in through the viewport to the main bridge, where Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat is dictating a message to Starfleet about the recent battle with the Klingon cruiser

The TSSS Phong's Head is on a routine mission to monitor the methane clouds of Fart Point. All is calm and our brave, heroic and extremely sexy captain decides to have a cup of tea in his ready room. All is peaceful on the bridge of the TSSS Phong's Head, with all the crew happily getting on with their tasks, even the fey Mr S'Katchoo, who has recovered from his "Village People-esque" experiences with the minger crew and is busy at his science station...

The captain is happily imbibing his cup of tea, and looking at a well thumbed copy of the May "Hot Federation Babes"...He is astonished to look onto his view screen into the bridge when a beautiful young woman beams onto the bridge....

The Captain is staggered to see some fresh young blart on the ship, and rushes onto the bridge in, ahemm, anticipation of showing her his favourite holodeck programme involving the marmite, ball bearings, prohpylactic, swarfega and small labrador called Barney...

Without a word, the cute bird touches a band on her wrist and everyone is rendered unconscious, including our heroic captain.

A few minutes later, Captain Jean Luc awakes, as does Mr Power Man and the rest of the bridge crew.
"Hey, where has that wretched ponce Mr S'Katchoo gone, if he has stolen another shuttle craft and is doing his saturday night fever impression in a nebula somewhere, I swear I will phaser the bugger" shouts Jean Luc

"Doctor Geo to the Captain" squarks the intercom, "dammit, Captain, I'm a doctor not a cavity reconstruction specialist, get your furry backside down here to sickbay

The Captain goes rushing down to sickbay, Mr S'Katchoo's body lies on a diagnostic table, on full life support. Doctor Geo explains that his brain is gone ... miraculously removed with some technology that the doctor has never seen before. Every nerve was sealed and there was no blood lost.

However, Geo tells the Captain that the downside is that if the mincing tart's brain isn't returned to his body within 24 hours, Mr S'Katchoo will die...

Dammit Captain, I am a doctor, not a plot writer...

Hmmm thinks the Captain, S'Katchoo will snuff it if we dont get his brain back in 24 hours?? tempting, it is sooo tempting not to try it!

PS note to self, go down to ten forward and check that Taz/Guinan hasn't come up with a new meaty dip for the tribble wings

[ June 02, 2003, 18:10: Message edited by: Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat ]

[Power Man]

Captain , I have reviewed the sensor logs from the encounter. The cute bird's ship was of an unknown but advanced design. It appears to have an advanced Ion Drive !
I bet chief engineer Erax would just Love to check under her Hood!

Our "Beagle Nose" sensors have picked up the trail of the alien ship.
I am setting course to follow and overtake.

Captain: I know it's tempting to just continue on. But just think of all the paper work you will have to fill out !!
Besides S'Katchoo does play, I mean Practice Ship Maneuvers, in a mean game of Star Fury and I'd miss that.

[Raging Deadstar]

Awww cripes i have nothing to do in this episode (did i just say cripes?)

Ok i'll just continue my investigations on the crew of the Phong's head

*On Board the Phongs Head the Probe droid is still under the hologram disguise of the ensign, he walks down the corridor and heads into the engineers department. There Erax is currently having a haggis sandwhich. The ensign walks over to him and silently injects Erax with a fast acting drug. Erax turns round to look but only sees the feet of the attacker as his body slumps to the ground*

*Erax awakes in his drugged state and is now tied in a chair bolted to a machine. He stares constantly at the decloacked probe droid and is mesmorised by the flashing lights, the drug quickly spreads throuhgout his system and he is drooling slightly*

"Chief Engineer Erax, who is your loyalty to? I also want access codes to Jean Luc Le Grand Chats log, i believe you have something that could help me?And is it true you're having an affair with Kamog down here...? "

[Katchoo]

A low, haunting noise ememnates from the hollow space in Mr. S'Katchoo's head as the air from the nearby air conditioning unit blows through.

The noise attracts several hillbillies from Fartpoint who had sneaked aboard. The hillbilles, wearing ratty looking denim overalls, strawhats, and covered in dirt, sneak into Sickbay.

Hillbilly # 1: "Hey Pa, this here fella's makes the same noise as yer bottle of Moonshine when you blow on it."

Hillbilly # 2: "He sure does, Billy Bo. Grab me that there chair and i'll play us a jig."

The Hillbillies shout "YEEEEEHAWWWW* and the older Hillbilly begins to blow in Mr. S'Katchoo's ear, producing a low tone.

* oooooo * OOOO * oooooooooo * OOO * oooooooooo * OOO * ooo * OOOOOOOOOOO *

Naturally, a hoe-down breaks out, and Sickbay becomes a Hillbilly festival.

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Taz-in-Space]

Taz, as usual behind the bar in Ten Forward, is experimenting with new <font color = red> hot<font color = black> sauces to go on the tribble wings. He reads the label on his newest find:
-------------------------------------------------
Dave's Insanity Sauce

Dave's original! This is the only sauce ever Banned from the National Fiery Foods show. Not only is it a good sauce, but Dave says it "strips waxed floors and removes driveway grease stains." Tomato sauce, onions, hot pepper extract, hot peppers, vinegar, spices, soy oil and garlic salt.
-------------------------------------------------
Liking the sound of the above description, Taz pours out a generous amount on some of the tribble wings.

A hillbilly-looking type fellow approaches the bar and, seeing what Taz is doing, produces a bottle and hands it to Taz. This bottle reads:
-------------------------------------------------
Screaming Sphincter

Weez gessin it alls strartud when grama wuz in tha outhouse a yellin and cussin. Shur nuff she'd gottin into the hot stuff. Cayenne, vinegar, salt and spices.
-------------------------------------------------
Taz figures it's worth a try and covers the remaining Tribble wings with this new sauce.

Taz then begins to look for some likely candidates to try these new Hot Tribble Wings on...

BTW - both of these sauces are real - they can be found here: www.geckogarys.com/mall/WayTooHot.asp (http://www.geckogarys.com/mall/WayTooHot.asp)
To be tried at your own risk!!!

[ June 03, 2003, 04:35: Message edited by: Taz-in-Space ]

[Katchoo]

Speaking of sphincters (!) check -> This Site Out (http://www.mintyass.com/)

Be sure to listen to the jingle http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

[Kamog]

Uh-oh, did somebody mention the o-word in the ingredients of Dave's Insanity Sauce? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Kamog goes to Ten Forward to try some of the hot sauce on tribble wings...

[Growltigger]

Awooga Awooga Awooga Awoooga

The proximity alarm screams as the Captain runs from his ready room onto the bridge.

Shields up, charge phaser banks, go to red alert. Mr Power Man report.

Captain, out of nowhere, a large number of asteroid side vegetables have appeared in space right in front of us. I suspect someone mentioned the "o-word" aboard the ship....

Mr Power Man, launch photon torpedoes and destroy those vegetables...

and can someone tell me why I heard a banjo sounding from the sick bay, and our doctor saying "dammit, I'm a doctor, not an inbreeding specialist"

[Erax]

<font color = purple> "Chief Engineer Erax, who is your loyalty to? I also want access codes to Jean Luc Le Grand Chats log, i believe you have something that could help me?And is it true you're having an affair with Kamog down here...? " </font>

Erax valiantly tries to resist, although the flashing lights are worse than the time he turned on Katchoo's disco simulation in the Holodeck by mistake. In desperation, he concentrates on the first thing he can think of.

"If we... integrate dee-theta from zero to theta... that is equal to MCp over UA times dt over T minus t... integrated from t1 to t2... which comes out to... theta equals..."

The flashing lights grow dim and then go off. Erax has put the probe droid to sleep ! He tries to drag the chair he is tied to, but it's bolted in place. Fortunately, the droid forgot to remove the tools from his back pockets. A few minutes of sawing at his bonds with a pocket knife and he is free. He quickly stabs the intercom.

"Engineering to Bridge, we have an intruder aboard ! Send security doon here immediately !"

Not wanting to be around when the red-shirt ensigns arrive and start shooting, Erax quickly leaves Engineering.

[ June 06, 2003, 15:00: Message edited by: Chief Engineer Erax ]

[Growltigger]

Captain to Erax, my nastiest, most vicious, evil minded sadistic violent and extremely attractive Liv Tyler clone space marines are on their way down...

Each of them is wearing a very tight red shirt indeed!

I would stay and enjoy the view if I were you.

PS but actually, if YOU ARE having an affair with Kamog down there, please dont hang around - leave's more red blooded totty for us real men

[ June 03, 2003, 16:08: Message edited by: Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat ]

[Erax]

Acting on the Captain's advice, Erax hides behind a control panel, just as the probe droid begins to stir. It gets up and begins to scan the area just as the space marine squad arrives. Having been discovered, it sprouts several arms, each of them equipped with a different deadly-looking weapon.

The Liv Tyler clone space marines quickly damage, disable and dismantle the droid with a series of awesome space karate, space kung fu and space aikido moves.

Erax downloads the whole scene (filmed from several angles) from the security camera network into an engineering tricorder and leaves via a side exit.

"Engineering to Ten Forward. Lieutenant Kamog, there's some cleanup work fer you doon here. I'll be wi' ye later, I have, um, some things to take care of."

[Growltigger]

So Chief Engineer Erax, I think the crew of the TSSS Phong's HEad have the right to know whether or not it is true that you and Kamog have been, ahem, having a few "intimate moments" together.....

Damn, we are being distracted from the prime mission which is to recover Mr S'Katchoo's brain (awww, wont a butternut squash from Taz's kitchen due the same thing?)..

Captain to Mr Power Man, if you have finished vapourises those vegetables, please set a course to chase that alien ship at warp 9.

Captain Slog, stardate 17.51 GMT - I must catch up and subdue that alien ship. No alien must be allowed to board a Galactic Federation Starship and steal the organs of its senior officers. And anyway, no good looking peice of tail should be able to get on this ship without least one of us getting hot and sweaty with it! if Starfleet find out about this, we will be the laughing stock of the fleet!

[Erax]

<font color = white>So Chief Engineer Erax, I think the crew of the TSSS Phong's HEad have the right to know whether or not it is true that you and Kamog have been, ahem, having a few "intimate moments" together.....
</font>
No, Cap'n, my only love is this ship, I could never betray her (although that alien ship with the ion drives looks veeery tempting).

[ June 06, 2003, 14:59: Message edited by: Chief Engineer Erax ]

[Raging Deadstar]

*Luckily the 4 other probe droids had attached themselves to the ships hull and now one of them is destroyed another one comes Online. It sprouts 2 mechanical arms and begins to search the ship for an entrance. It finds one of the few holes left by the boarding party and after much hassle burns through the duc tape, it seems that kamog has neglected his duties for some reason! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif The probe droid quickly hooks himself up to the computer with some footage from the engineering department. It comes up on the main viewer on the bridge with some cheesy music you usually find in porn flicks and a big title comes up. Erax and Kamog... The Truth. The crew watch on in horror as two people who look like erax and kamog get intimate with each other and Jean Luc turns it off less than 1/4 way through in disgust. Is this an altered fake designed by deadstar intelligence to cause mutiny, or was it stolen from the ships cctv camera system.... an official investigation must be "mounted" *

[Power Man]

Power Man dodges the large number of asteroid size vegetables “lean left, Right, Left”.
With phasers set to “Chop and Dice” the massive orbs are cut into nice size chunks.
Two of the cold storage cargo bays are filled with the chopped On- er vegetables.
“This will keep Taz in tribble wing sauce for a Long Time.”

Captain: I have tracked the alien ship to a rough, frozen world in the Sigma Draconis star system. It must have landed because I cannot detect it any more.

Scanners are not picking up any signs of advanced civilization on the surface. The world seems to be a deep Ice Age.
I have detected some ruins on the surface.
We are now in orbit over the ruins. I can detect only limited life. (After all Mr S'Katchoo is the science officer. Not me.)

Captain: I seem to be getting a strange reading from something just outside of the ship. I will need to do a surface scan to determine what it might be.
Captain… Captain….? What are you looking at on the main screen?
OOOOh AAAAH EccccK!! What are erax and kamog doing to each other???

So that’s were kamog went.

[Kamog]

Kamog goes down to Engineering to see what kind of cleanup work is required... there's thousands of little alien-droid parts scattered all over the floor. Kamog picks up some of the bigger pieces to examine, but nothing looks salvageable. Oh, well.

OK, where's the vacuum cleaner? Kamog opens the door to the little storage closet in the Engineering area. The vacuum cleaner is covered with an inch of dust, spider webs and dead bugs. Also in the closet are fossilized banana peels, apple cores, a broken broom, a leaky bucket, and some mummified rats. When Kamog brings out the vacuum cleaner, the wheels fall off.

Giving up on the vacuum cleaner, Kamog picks up the broken broom and sweeps up all the droid bits from the floor.

After finishing the cleanup and putting the broom away, Kamog looks down the hall and sees the pretty space marines. "Wow, I didn't know we have Liv Tyler clones on board! Maybe I can get them to teach me space aikido!"

Kamog goes up to the Liv Tyler clones, and they are all watching the view screen. ...What? What's this on the screen? Some of the clones start looking at Kamog, then at the screen, and then back at Kamog again.

"Hey, that's not me! I don't think that's Commander Erax, either. We didn't do that, it's fake!" The Liv Tyler clones don't seem to believe him, and Kamog quickly leaves the area.

[Erax]

Kamog finds Erax and lets him know what is going on. The two of them try to analyze the tapes to prove it's a forgery, but their skills are inadequate. Erax takes a turbolift to the bridge and tries to avoid everyone's gaze as he walks up to the Captain's chair.

"Cap'n, that tape we just saw is a fake ! Unfortunately, only Mr. S'Katchoo has the skills to analyze it and prove our, er, innocence in this matter. We must find his brain and get it back, Kamog's reputation and mine depend on it !"

In a lower voice he says,

"... And yours too. If Starfleet hears of this they might wonder what kind of Captain allows this sort of, um, fraternizing among his officers."

[Growltigger]

Oh lord, you are right Kamog and Erax, no Galactic Federation Starship has ever had a couple of felching officers on it!

Mr Power Man, find us that brain knicking female immediately.

[Power Man]

Captain : I have detected power readings from deep in the planet. I cannot get a good enough reading to beam a team directly there. I can put a team down on the surface in the center of the ruins. I suggest you put an away team together and see if you find away in from there.
You had best bundle up Sir. It is COLD down there.

[Raging Deadstar]

*As the Captain prepares his away team the camera pans across to the planet and zooms in to the icy wasteland. Patrolling the perimeters to the ruins are two deadstar scouts. Two vanessa feltz clones stalk forwards on all fours with a turbolaser turret mounted upon their backs. Standing on top of them are two Deadstar scouts. They're both wearing purple and black costumers simmilar to what that silver number that seven of nine wears. Now that the away team has ideas of intimate liasons with these two patrol units may i remind you that these scouts have the ability to suck the life out of anyone they choose, an added ability this particular race has. (*Hint* anyone caught tampering with these guards will have to have very low sexual prowess and the ability to finish in under a minute! I'm sure the good Captain wouldn't want people with such a lack of sexual ability on his crew) They stalk the outsides of the ruins, protecting the deadstar research team who are studying an alien race and culture in a village a mile or two away! It seems the Away team may have some trouble if they beam down to the ruins http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif *

[Growltigger]

Originally posted by Senator Raging Deadstar:
(*Hint* anyone caught tampering with these guards will have to have very low sexual prowess and the ability to finish in under a minute! <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Hmmm, flash of inspiration there for the good Captain I feel. Right, for this away team, we need Commander Dogscoff (where is that reprobate??), Taz, Kamog, Erax and, if he would like to join the crew for once mission, Narf Poit Chez Boom or whatever he calls himself.

Chaps, take the phaser rifles with you and dress up cold. Assemble in the transporter room whilst I get the photon torpoedoes and planet buster missiles ready to be fired on a moment's notice. Dont worry, the honour of the Galactic Federation means that I promise not to fire them until you are safely off the planet (fingers crossed).

Make it so

[dogscoff]

*Dogscoff arrives in the transporter room wearing full battle armour and sporting a massive gun like the one Vasquez had at the start of aliens. He is also wearing a set of pastel blue fluffy ear-muffs.

[Erax]

Erax joins Dogscoff in the transporter room. He is wearing a snow-camo parka with lots of pockets with tools and such. There's a phaser in there somewhere, now if only he could remeber which pocket it's in...

[Growltigger]

Captain Slog - Stardate 1800 GMT, I am about to send my intrepid crew down on a potentially lethal away mission to the planet. We have detected signs of life on the freezing iceball we are orbitting, and we are also convinced that the Evil Deadstar Continumumumum is involved in this heinous plot to steal our science officer's brain.

I suspect the Deadstar Continumumum have some evil plot hatching, it probably involves some Vanessa Feltz' clones with laser turrets mounted on their backs and an evil ability to suck the life out of any red blooded male who can Last longer than a minute with them. YOu never know what those cunning fiends are up to...

I feel that I should go on this mission. It is potentially too dangerous to send the crew on, and I should be there to lead my troops into danger. Of course, I will be wearing the most advanced and toughest battle armour known to galactic science, as well as being festooned with grenades and carrying "Bertha", my favourite 4 barrelled twin plasma cannon.

The Captain suits up, gets a couple of red shirts in tow and heads down to the transporter room....

[Kamog]

Kamog shows up at the transporter room wearing a heavy, down-filled winter jacket. On his utility belt is a tricorder, a PPG pistol, and several ninja throwing stars. Across his back is an old samurai sword. In one hand, he's carrying a phaser rifle and in the other, a nice bouquet of flowers.

[Taz-in-Space]

The transporter room briefly becomes a trifle breazy as a minature whirlwind spins into view.
Suddenly the whirlwind resolves itself into - the Taz.

Taz is wearing - well, his usual fur...

And he is armed with - His usual 6 inch fangs and (if necessary) a temperment that would make a crazed wounded rhino seem positively mellow.

He is also carrying a sachel loaded with various ACME gadgets and his favorite noise maker: an antique .50 cal gold-plated Desert Eagle Revolver. (He just loves the 'booming' sound it makes! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif )

"Taz reporting duty, Captain!"

[Growltigger]

Captain Slog, stardate 08.54 GMT, my brave away party are assembled in the transporter room. It does my heart proud to see the chaps standing there ready for anything and as focussed as a kittne in a feather factory. Whatever happens to us on the planet, I know that the honor of the Galactic Federation will be upheld. I am impressed at their ingenuity, my engineer has even bought a bunch of flowers in case the mysterious young totty who stole S'Katchoo's brain can be wooed that way. Nice touch..

Mr Transporter operator, beam us down.

The away team appear on a frozen, miserable looking rocky landscape, half in shadow and looking as forlorn as the Last puppy in the shop window.

Mr Power Man, please give us bearing to those life signs you discovered earlier on. Commander Dogscoff, please take tricorder readings of our immediate surroundings.

Mr Power Man, please ensure that the TSSS Phong's Head is at red aler and is ready for full planetary assault mode. I want a phaser strike on a second's notice should any horrible vanesa feltz clone thingies turn up...

[dogscoff]

*dogscoff, a trifle twitchy after staying awake all week with the aid of various stimulants in order to watch the four "alien" films back-to-back 16 times in a row, clamps a cigar in his teeth and takes some tricorder readings.

"Another goddamn bughunt..."

[ June 06, 2003, 09:19: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[Growltigger]

The Captain fires up "Bertha" and lets loose a torrent of plasma bolts and whatever was moving...

"Yeee hawwwwww, eat hot plasma you muthersucking alien scum, this'll hurt, yeehawwwwwwwwwwwww"

[Erax]

Erax hits the deck, just in case 'all directions' means what I think it does.

He opens one of his pockets and pulls out a motion detector.

"Cap'n, whatever it was, it's stopped moving."

[ June 06, 2003, 15:09: Message edited by: Chief Engineer Erax ]

[dogscoff]

*dogscoff, breathing heavily, takes his finger off the trigger and allows the gun to spin down. The long barrel pings quietly as it cools.

Oh, I feel better for that. And it only cost us 3 ammo crates and a half-dozen redshirts. Let's get on with this mission shall we? Tricorder readings indicate a society of dirt-tech humanoids living on the surface, why don't we go see if they'll sell all their womenfolk in exchange for a bag of cheap pLastic jewelry and a nintendo gameboy.

Erax, have the crew back on the ship prepare the turbo-showers.

[Raging Deadstar]

*Deep down in a science lab on the said planet an evil looking scientist marvels at his creation. There were 10 of them, all looking like black Versions wof the bluey alien off farscape just with large claws and fangs to rival taz's. The strange thing about this female aliens are they also have 6 breasts and male wedding tackle http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif . He smiles, inspecting them all maybe a bit too closely http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif (the deadstar continuum dosen't really question our scientists turn ons, it would take piles of paperwork and thousands in therapist bills)They all smile seductively when a voice comes over the intercom.*

"Doctor, we have a reported sighting of Galactic federation away teams on the planet. We need your most evil, beastly, rabid creatures you can find to attack them!"

*The scientist begins to cry thinking about sending his beloved "beauties" to their deaths. He equips them with a couple of machine plasma rail guns and tosses them a few pulse grenades. To get them in the mood to kill he quickly brings up his dossier on Jean Luc le Grand Chat...*

"This...Cat thingy....*sob* *sniff* Killed your mother!!! But not before raping her and using her as a sex toy!!! Ummm *sob* *sniff* Anything he says is a lie and you must exterminate with extreme prejiduce and pleasure!"

*The creatures, non too bright, believe him and storm out the room leaving the scientist to cry over a lack of "bizarre pleasure" for the night before him...*

Ok guys, to keep Ratings up heres a bunch of evil aliens to kill. Although i think one of them has a thing for Kamog after seeing the flowers. Will Erax be jealous? what will he do? read the next post!

[Growltigger]

Oh goody, we are playing space marines..

Look alive people, this is hostile territory and I want everybody watching each other's back at all times. Remember your training everybody and if you see any tentacled monstrousities, I expect you to blow them away before you ask questions..

Growltigga puts on his forage cap, spits on the floor and cocks his gun...

Right, Mr Dogscoff, tell us where we need to go so those alien bastards can come get some!

[dogscoff]

*Suddenly, dogscoff sees -or maybe hallucinates- something moving from the corner of his eye. He immediately starts indiscriminately spraying bullets and harsh language in all directions.

"GET SOME! GET SOME! GET SOME!"

[Taz-in-Space]

Taz, due to his keen tasmanian hearing, is the first to note the charging alien women(?). He quickly takes in the formation that these creatures have assumed for the attack:

-> * * * *
--> * * *
---> * *
----> *

----> T

Looks like a good time for TAZ BOWLING!! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

With a roar Taz spins madly and hits the formation head-on...

As the dust settles, Taz notes that he left a 7-10 split. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif

-> * . . *

Oh well, 8 out of ten isn't bad! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

Heads up Kamog, I think one of those Last two is coming for some flowers!! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[ June 07, 2003, 03:49: Message edited by: Taz-in-Space ]

[Kamog]

Goody, it was a good idea to bring flowers, now some ladies are noticing me! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif But I was rather hoping to give them to a nice, beautiful lady, preferably not one who is trying to kill us. Maybe there will be more friendly women underground?

Are these aliens really female? I'd rather not have to shoot a woman...

[Erax]

Erax caught the incoming aliens on the motion detector a while back. By the time Taz charged them he was already well hidden behind a large rock. When the aliens start shooting, he starts looking for his phaser.

"Not this... no, not this either... hm, this will have to do for now."

As the steam clears, he gets up and tosses a crescent wrench at the nearest alien, hitting it squarely on the head. The creature goes down, but the others turn their weapons on him. He quickly dives for cover again, searching for something else to use.

"I've got their attention, now what ?"

[Kamog]

"Ugh, these creatures certainly aren't going to get these flowers."

Kamog fires his phaser rifle - and misses. He blows away a fake styrofoam boulder. He fires again, and misses, hitting a pile of snow.

"I know I should have spent more time shooting targets in the holodeck instead of training in Klingon batliff combat... speaking of which, I forgot to bring my batliff!"

Kamog gets behind cover and tries to adjust his phaser settings. "Why do they have to make these controls so user-unfriendly? Now, how do I set this thing to wide-angle stun...??"

He takes a screwdriver and opens up the little panel on the side of the phaser rifle, disconnects several color-codes wires, and re-routes them. "Oh, no, the stupid crimp ring broke off -- where's my soldering iron?"

While Kamog is re-attaching the wire with a small piece of duct tape, the alien comes charging. Kamog steps to the side and strikes her on the head with the rifle, knocking her down. Kamog quickly wraps tons of duct tape around the alien's arms and legs.

[Kamog]

Kamog turns on his communicator.
"Kamog to Phong's Head. Transporter chief, please beam this prisoner up directly to a high-security cell in the brig. We'll interrogate her later."

[Raging Deadstar]

*As the alien is beamed away it blows a kiss to Kamog and begins to serenade him in a gargling voice!*

Looks like you've pulled kamog, waht will erax think? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Raging Deadstar]

*The Aliens get up and all turn their guns on taz. Well all of them except the two taz missed. One of them is heading towards Kamog drooling. High above the planet a Deadstar satellite watches the action. Senator Deadstar watches as the creatures move for attack. The one remaining alien looks at taz and is subtly impressed and moves towards him. So 2 of the attack team are smitten by the heroics of the away team, but that leaves 8 to destroy the Federation intruders. They fire their cannons with an average aim and watches as the snow melts and is sprayed everywhere when hit. The steam clears and they wait to see if their opponents stand...*

Kamog, you don't want attention of these things. You may have misread my Last post. Yes they have 6 breasts and can be quite affectionate but they also have the male sexual organ. Unless you like that kind of thing, it would add substantial evidence to the Kamog and Erax mystery! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Think of them as a single sex species

[ June 07, 2003, 12:26: Message edited by: Senator Raging Deadstar ]

[Taz-in-Space]

Taz tenses as the alien females? fire. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif
He remains motionless as bolts of light zip in all directions. This is apparently is what saved him as much of the surrounding countryside is obliterated and Taz remains unharmed. That scientist must have neglected to teach these aliens how to aim! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

When the aliens have used up their current gun charges, Taz takes advantage of the momentary pause and takes a gadget out of his satchel.

It's an ACME Thermal hand grenade!

Taz quickly dials it to: Antarctic in Mid-winter.
Tossing the grenade in the middle of the alien pack, he dives for cover...

...Foom. (short for Freezing Boom) The grenade goes off and those aliens are now quick-frozen in mid action.

In this cold environment, that should hold them for a good long while! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon6.gif

[Kamog]

Kamog starts scanning the nearby area with his tricorder. ...Let's see, maybe there's some way to get down underground where the power readings came from.

By the way, we'll need to bring S'Katchoo's body with us so that we can put his brain back when we find it. I believe Dr. Geo has devised a remote controller for S'Katchoo so that he can walk around without his brain...

[Raging Deadstar]

*Senator Raging Deadstar thinks to himself....*

DR GEO!!!! He has a body to control by remote control????

*The scene switches to the the sick bay where Dr Geo is laughing incontrollably as he makes S'Katchoos body flirt with an overweight hillbilly female (around 60 years old) with pigtails, freckles, wrinkles and those weird checkered shirts tied below the breast (although it's pretty far down on this mature women, lord help s'katchoo if he encounters those sagging beings!) Suddenly the women grabs S'katchoo and drags him to the sickbay bed and proceeds to tear his clothes off!*

I'm pretty sure S'Katchoo might want a new body after this http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

*Jean Luc le Grand Chat shakes his head as he hears the noises of sickbay come of his intercom....*

[mac5732]

Down in the depths of the impregnable fortress of FartPoint, an wizen older gentleman continues to follow the escapades of the Crew of the Infamous TSS Phong and her crew.... and he chuckles to himself as he downs a brewski or two... if they only knew ..... .........

[Growltigger]

Alarmed beyond all natural reason at the horrid sounds of Betty Bob, the aging banana breasted hillbilly-ette, having her evil way with poor S'Katchoo's body, Captain Jean Luc le Grand Chat yells "hit the deck" at the top of his voice and watches as Taz, Kamog and possee hit the dirt and do their damnedest to bury themselves in the fetid sod.

"Bertha" fires up and the Captain, yelling something that sounds like "eat hot plasma you evil minded, foul, fetid, disgusting and obnoxious ladyboys" lets rip with all four barrels, together with a few thermal and incendiary grandes for good measure.

Commander Dogscoff joins in the fun with his smart gun and for a couple of minutes, the planet surface is covered with plasma and machine fire, and explosions...

The guns stop firing, and the Captain, removing large cigar from mouth, eyes the scene, 9 of the harpies are disintegrated, the other is clutching onto Kamog and sniffing his flowers (well, I think it is his flowers).

Kamog, stop flirting with that alien ladyboy and find ot where S'Katchoo's brain is..

We need to get him back in action quickly before the ministrations of Betty Bob mean that the next Bartrek episode is called "The Quest for S'Katchoo's happy sacks"

[Power Man]

Captain: Ships sensors show that the attacking females? came from a point 100 meters away on a baring of 276.93 from your location.
I have scanned the area.
It seems to be heavily shielded bunker like building.
I have locked the ships phasers on the site. On your command I will attempt to take out the shield.

I have also started a Ship Surface Scan (SSS) I think we may have “Picked up something” at the Fart Point station.

[Taz-in-Space]

After the action Taz picks himself up and surveys the scene...

All this gratuitous violence brings a tear to Taz's eye - so much like dear old Tazmania.

Speaking of eying, Taz is relieved to see that the Alien that was giving him the eye is no more.
However; Kamog is not so lucky! Perhaps Taz can 'distract' the alien with the 'Kamog fixation'.

After a moments thought, Taz brings out his .50 cal Desert Eagle 'noisemaker' and, walking up to the Kamog smitten alien, places the barrel to the alien's head. (For better hearing http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif ) He then pulls the trigger.

Taz figures that the alien is suitably impressed since it seems to 'pass out' from the sound. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

'OK Kamog, let's find the door or whatever before more critters are attracted to your flowers'. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Kamog]

Thank you for saving me, Taz! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

* Takes some tricorder readings... *

I'm getting a reading on the structure that Power Man has discovered. There is a door, and I'm reading the presence of some sort of passageway leading from inside the building to underground. Let's head over there, in that direction... when the shield goes down, we can enter the subterranean area to search for Mr. S'Katchoo's brain...

[Growltigger]

Mr Power Man, change the frequency of the phasers so that they take out that shield without blowing the hell out of the bunker. Make it so.

On the bridge of the TSSS Phong's Head, Mr Power Man pulls out his mechano spanner and twiddles a nob under the phaser control board. He pushes the fire button and lo, the phasers take out the shield.

Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat, on point, sidles up to the door of the bunker and opens it, a long corridor heads off into the bowels of the planet, the away team sneak down it until they reach a sign that says "Medical lab and brain storage area this way, turn left after the harem".

Hmmm thinks the great cat, we may not find S'Katchoo's brain but it looks like we will have a good time!

[Kamog]

Meanwhile, back on the TSSS Phong's head...

Two big security guard ensigns (wearing red shirts) interrogate the captured alien in the brig.

Security guard: "Where have you taken Mr. S'Katchoo's brain? You will tell us now!"
Alien: "I'm not telling you anything!"

The security guard takes out an agonizer device which he got a from the evil mirror-image guys from Last episode, and tortures the alien...

Later:
Security guard: "Tell us, where is the brain?"
Alien: (crying) "Brain and brain, what is brain?"
Security guard: "What is underground, below the surface of the planet?"
Alien: "That's the buried city where the givers of pain and delight live..."
Security guard: "Givers of pain and delight?? Hmm, I better warn the landing party..."

[dogscoff]

*dogscoff stops firing to reload, and only then realises that the battle finished half an hour ago.

He looses off another couple of round and a grenade just to be on the safe side, then hurries to catch up with the rest of the away team.

[Growltigger]

The plucky away team sneak down the corridors of the underground city, they follow the signs to the harem the door of which is, unfortunately, locked.

"Taz, open this door" says the captain. Taz kicks into superwhirlwind speed and demolishes the door.

They look inside into a vision of Arabesque delights. A beautiful tiled room has a gentle fountain as its centre point and yes, louging around seductively on some divans are about 20 of the galaxy's most beautiful maidens, fortunately wearing enough clothing for say only about 2 girls. There is also a demur female Taz as well!

Growltigga starts frothing at the mouth and all that can be heard is the sound of ther away team's fly buttons pinging off the ceiling.

Is this just a distraction to keep our intrepid away team from S'Katchoo's brain. Will someone be able to override Captain Jean Luc le Grand Chat's hormones? What will happen next?

[Raging Deadstar]

*Senator Raging Deadstar smiles as his diVersion works, he types in a command from the Deadstar homeworld and waits as it is sent across many satellites to the room that The away team is found. A panel opens and a flawless duplicate of a earth pop singer named kylie minogue saunters out in the skimpiest lingerie and kisses Jean luc le Grand Chat and begins to beg him seductively for a night of passion*

Is Growltigga strong enough to overcome his hormones now? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Taz-in-Space]

Taz notices his captain's plight and moves to block the view - only to be intercepted:

http://www.tazworld.com/anim/6.gif

Can it be? Can this diabolical trap be the end of the away mission? Will the captain be overcome by his greatest weakness? Will Taz ever be able to break free? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif

[Kamog]

"We have to stay focused on our mission! Everyone, remember we are here to recover Mr. S'Katchoo's brain! Our duty is to -..."

At that moment, across on the other side of the fountain, Kamog catches a glimpse of the most beautiful girl he has ever seen. Kamog is tranfixed. She turns her face towards the door, and their eyes meet. It was like magic. Suddenly, time stood still. Mission, duty, responsibility - all these things faded away. The only thing that mattered was to be with her - and deep inside he knew it that it was right, that it was meant to be. The room, the other crewmembers, and everything else became a formless blur, as Kamog walked towards her, as if in a trance.

A thousand visions flash in Kamog's mind: romantic candlelight dinners, hiking in the mountains with her, going shopping together, quiet moonlit walks in the park, the wedding day, their first baby...

Looking into her eyes, Kamog hands her the bouquet of flowers, as she smiles radiantly. "I have been waiting a long time for you", she says, "and I have found you, and I will never let you go."

[dogscoff]

*dogscoff, transfixed by the beauteous creatures before him, tries to resist. Somehow, he summons up the will power required to smash himself repeatedly in the groin with the butt of his flamethrower.

When he recovers consciousness he finds himself in a considerably less amourous mood and therefore temporarily immune to the enemy's allure. His plan succeeded, he proceeds to assist the rest of the away team in the same fashion.

[Raging Deadstar]

*Senator Deadstar watches on through the security camera, wincing with every blow dogscoff delivers to his groin. He watches intrigued as Jean luc Le Grand Chat moves in, holding the kylie clone in his arms and about to whisk her to the "private back room" when dogscoff appears and painfully hobbles over before ramming Jean Luc in the testes with the butt of his flamethrower repeatedly. Jean Luc can be heard shouting obscenities in a high pitched squeal*

Personally i think thats a breach of protocal, I know i wouldn't let my first officer ram me with the butt of a flamethrower in my happysacks, unless it was absoloutly, unavoidably nessercary! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif Anyway you have 38 Posts to find s'katchoos brain, surely enough time for the Captain to have his way with the clone. Boy are you in for it now Dogscoff http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

*Suddenly the amorous beauties begin pulling phasers and bLasters out from under the silk duvets that line the floor and aim at the away team!*

"Captain Jean Le Grand Chat, you will surrender yourself and your team and drop your weapons. You are now priosners of out exalted empire!"

[Kamog]

Kamog is sitting with his girl by the fountain... he pulls her closer... just as they are about to kiss - *WHACK!!* Dogscoff unexpectedly comes up from behind and smashes Kamog in the groin with his flamethrower. From the force of the blow, Kamog bonks his head onto the girl's face, knocking her onto the tiled floor. There is a big splash as Dogscoff hits him again: Kamog falls into the fountain, his face contorted in pain.

Kamog drags himself out of the water and struggles to his feet with great difficulty. He can barely stand up. Then he peeks inside his pants to check his bruises - it looks bad.
"Commander! Sir, I must protest! - "

Next thing he knows, he's looking down the barrels of several bLasters held by scantily-clad females. Uh-oh, what's going on?

[Erax]

Erax took a wrong turn somewhere, went straight past the harem and ended up in the Medical Lab and Brain Storage Area. He looks around and finds what appears to be some kind of life support device hooked up to a supercomputer.

"Erax to Power Man. Looks like I've found Mr. S'Katchoo's brain, could you please send his body down, together with Dr. Geo ?"

[Kamog]

Several girls, grinning evilly, walk right up to Kamog, holding their bLasters pointed directly at Kamog's head.

"OK, OK, I'll drop my weapon!" Kamog drops his phaser rifle to the floor. "But tell me one thing..."
"What?" asks one of the girls.
"Do you like... ONIONS?"

Suddenly, a large hatch flips opens up in the ceiling, releasing a gigantic pile of the vegetable. Kamog dives into the fountain, and the girls look up just in time to see a huge truckload of onions fall on their heads. Within seconds, the room is filled to shoulder-height with the vegetables. There are arms and some nice-looking legs randomly sticking up into the air, flailing, as the girls struggle from under the pile.

Kamog is bruised, as a particularly large onion bonks him in the head just as he comes up for a breath of air. In the confusion, however, Kamog manages to grab one of the girls, pull her out from beneath the vegetables, and drag her to the door on the other side of the room. Pulling her by the arm, Kamog runs down the hall and turns left - and arrives at the Medical Lab.

Running into the lab, Kamog sees Chief Engineer Erax. He also notices in the room a chair, and hanging above it is a metal helmet-looking device with many wires and antennae sticking out. There's a sign on the helmet that says "Teacher".

Kamog draws his samurai sword and points it at the girl. "All right. Tell me how this equipment works."

Girl: "You sit down and put on that helmet, and you can learn all sorts of things instantly... "
* She picks up some data crystal-looking things.*
"I'll be your operator... Now, we're supposed to start with these operational programs, but that's major boring stuff. Let's do something more fun. How about combat training... go ahead, put on the helmet."

Kamog: "Jujitsu? I don't need to learn jujitsu. I'm not putting on that weird helmet. Just tell me how you removed Mr. S'Katchoo's brain, and how we can put it back."

[Growltigger]

OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

The underground bunker echoes to the wretched screams of Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat, nursing his nackered happy sacks and gazing wrathfully at Commander Dogscoff...

"oOOOoooOOOOOhhh are you going to get a medal for that heroic action, as well as a random kicking from parties unknown when we back to the Phong's HEad"

The Captain surveys the room, Kamog's excellent use of the "O word" has meant that beauties are concussed under a pile of O's...

Right chaps, no need to bLast this totty to kingdom come, Mr Power Man, beam these ladies to the brig, leave their weapons behind and pump them full of docility gas - we will save them for later, but dont beam up the young lady answering our questions about S'Katchoo's brain... I want to have a word with her...

OoooooOOOooh my nadgers, this shouldn't happen to a cat

[Erax]

The Captain, Scoff and Taz limp along the underground corridor and join Erax and Kamog in the medical lab, where the two are questioning the girl.

"For the Last time... how did you remove Mr. S'Katchoo's brain ?"

<font color=green>"I don't know any Mr. Scotchoo ! Let me go !"</font>

"Very well... Lieutenant Kamog, what are the ways in which a warp engine can be jump-started ?"

<font color=darkblue>"Well, you can reroute the warp core distributor negative power coupling to the secondary dilithium array outlet, but first you have to disable the safety override by sending a signal through the lateral nacelle adjustment circuit, so that the computer will think the drive is on. Then you..."</font>

The girl begins to go slack-eyed at this relentless stream of Trek technobabble and her head slumps forward.

"Ah, hello, Cap'n. We were using our interrogation techniques on this prisoner. You will find that she will now answer any of our questions."

[ June 16, 2003, 14:51: Message edited by: Chief Engineer Erax ]

[Power Man]

Power Man beams just the beauteous creatures into the brig. He leaves behind all of their wepons and most of their costums. The brig is filled with a special blend of docility gas and Spanish Fly. This should make them Really Ready for the Captain's "questioning session."

The good Doctor has Mr. S'Katchoo ready to go. On Mr. S'Katchoo's head is a pretty little hat with lots of little blinking lights. The doctor has an old TV/VCR remote that he can use to tell Mr. S'Katchoo's body to go forward, rewind-er Back and a special everything else button.

Power Man beams the Doctor and Mr. S'Katchoo's body down to the away team.

"Good luck finding and replacing Mr. S'Katchoo's brain Guys"

"Captain, I would like to report that the SSS (Ship Surface Scan) has found "Nothing Un-Expected". I am starting a SSSS (Sub Surface Ship Scan).

[Growltigger]

The Captain finds himself nodding off after Kamog and Erax's bLast of Trekkie technobabble..

Bugger, they will be learning klingon next and translating the barsnacks menu into it - what is tribble wings in klingon anyhow?

The brave captain looks up as Dr Geo (who has been awfully quiet recently) and the body of Mr S'Katchoo beam in..

Right young lady, answer me this. Why have you stolen Mr S'Katchoo's brain? how did you do it? and do you on a first date?

[Kamog]

The girl starts mumbling answers to the Captain's questions, her eyes still closed.

"We stole the brain to be our Controller... the Controller circulates our air ... keeps the city warm ... makes the lights work ... purifies our water ... this new Controller is strong and powerful - it will run our city for many years."

"We used the trilaser connector and sonic separator to remove the brain... we learned how to do the surgery by using 'Teacher'..." (She vaguely gestures towards the metal helmet-type device.)

"And of course I do, on a first date! And on every date! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif "

[Growltigger]

Right, that's just what I like to hear. Mr Kamog and Mr Erax, as our resident engineering geniuses, please build a new controller for these poor young ladies. Something that will Last a good few years and make them very friendly (if you get my drift) to us.

Dr Geo, even though you seem to have lost the ability to speak (maybe it was those hillbillies), please assist our intrepid engineering crew in this.

I have a sneaky feeling that we need to do this quikly, as I am sure a klingon battle cruiser will turn up and need a good thrashing.....

and Taz, please will you stop playing with Mr S'Katchoo's controls, breakdancing is so undignified in a science officer

[Raging Deadstar]

Originally posted by Kamog:
"We stole the brain to be our Controller... the Controller circulates our air ... keeps the city warm ... makes the lights work ... purifies our water ... this new Controller is strong and powerful - it will run our city for many years."<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">*Senator Deadstar sits back after listening in to the confession of the alien girl, but one thing confuses him. He plays the hologram back really slowly but it still syas what he thought it said!

"this new Controller is strong and powerful - it will run our city for many years"

Isn't this the bumbling, disco loving, dogscoff yearning science officer? Since when did he become strong and powerful??? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif

*Senator Deadstar leans back in his chair and sips his drink*

Too bad that my fleet with a planet destroyer has almost arrived. I doubt even the Phong's Head could get through 3 Deadstar Battlecruisers and stop the Planet Destroyer irradicating Jean Luc Le Grand Chat and his away team! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Growltigger]

Hmmmm, thinks the great Kat, no wonder that Mr S'Katchoo's brain is great and powerful. It is completely under utilised so is almost as good as new!

I wonder how Mr Kamog and Mr Erax are doing on the new brain...

Thinks to himself, I also wonder if Mr Powerman has finished the weapons and shield upgrades to the TSSS Phong's Head. With these new modifications, we will be a match for anything, even three Deadstar Battlecruisers and a Planet Destroyer! Hell, we could even whip a load more as well http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[dogscoff]

Excellent. After you, sir.

*dogscoff keeps one eye trained on 'Tig at all times, acutely aware of the fact that he may soon be a target himself.

Suddenly, there is a loud crashing in the undergrowth, and a fully-grown bull mozzie charges forth. It's huge- it has to be at least a quarter of an inch long. It will make a fine trophy.

Wary of the danger such a beast could pose, 'scoff and 'Tig carefully clip armour piercing rounds into their pulse rifles, blissfully unaware of the the 8-ton rabid carnivorous dino-spider sneaking up on them from behind.

[Power Man]

Power Man to Captain:

I have completed the weapon and shield upgrades. By re-routing the phasers trough the main dilithium array unit and adding in a tri-phase modulator to the main energy output I have tripled the yield at only 45.98 % the energy needs.
The shields now are triple redundant and can even use any impacting energy to rebuild themselves.
I have added extra lenses to our "All Seeing Eye" sensors this has greatly increased their "steely gaze". I have boosted your photon torpedo's yield to 274.67 % better than before.
I have also added a few additional surprises that I am just "itching to use".

I have completed the SSSS. "Nothing Un-Expected" to report. Proceeding to "Next Phase".

Oh by the way Captain. Sensors indicate that a "large Multi legged creature" is sneaking up on you from behind.

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif LOOK OUT !!! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[Taz-in-Space]

Before the Captain and Dogscoff can turn around, they hear rapid gnawing and gulping sounds. As they finish their turn all they see behind them is Taz picking his considerable teeth with a long 'toothpick' resembling a large spider claw.

BUURRRPPPPPP!

"Nothing to see here - I just having little after-action snack to keep up my strength."

"BTW, any idea why Taz is bit tender between his legs?" asks the memory-challenged marsupial.

[ June 17, 2003, 16:40: Message edited by: Taz-in-Space ]

[Erax]

Right, that's just what I like to hear. Mr Kamog and Mr Erax, as our resident engineering geniuses, please build a new controller for these poor young ladies. Something that will Last a good few years and make them very friendly (if you get my drift) to us.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">"Aye, aye, Cap'n."

Erax thinks to himself, now how am I going to do this. The controller bit is easy, all they need is air, water and heating, we can set that up in a minute. But make the young ladies friendly ? If I knew how to do that I wouldn't have become an engineer !

He looks over at Kamog. No help there, that's for sure. And Dr. Geo seems a little absent today. I guess I'll have to do things my own way.

"Erax to Power Man, I am setting up one of these medical consoles to interface with the Phong's computer, please open up a channel."

He accesses all of the female personalities the ship's computer has on file and tries to find a common denominator that would make them all 'friendly'. Suddenly he sees it !

"Erax to Power Man. Please send us the following equipment..."

[Raging Deadstar]

Originally posted by Chief Engineer Erax:
He accesses all of the female personalities the ship's computer has on file and tries to find a common denominator that would make them all 'friendly'. Suddenly he sees it !<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Is this computer a bit like an advanced Version of the captains little black book? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

[Power Man]

Boy that is some list Chief Engineer Erax. What are you putting together??

I can see were you might use a verteron pulse unit, or a master control logic box, and some of the other items.
But what are you going to do with a gross of chocolate covered tribble wings, a case of "El-cheepo" bubbling wine, and a case of raw ousters??

Any way I am sending down the stuff you wanted. Any thing else ???

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif

[ June 17, 2003, 18:45: Message edited by: Power Man ]

[Erax]

But what are you going to do with a gross of chocolate covered tribble wings, a case of "El-cheepo" bubbling wine, and a case of raw ousters?? <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Well the Cap'n, Scoffo and Kamog suffered some rough treatment (not sure about Taz), they are going to need some 'help' before they return to the Phong to, ah, question our prisoners. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Anyway...

The requested items arrive. Erax quickly separates all the consumables and puts them away in the fridge (medical labs always have these !), then sets up an underground city controller unit with self-repair capability in place of S'Katchoo's brain.

Now for the hard part. He reprograms the city's video network to run a few ads at prime time, advertising the Phong as "the most amazing woman's shoe store this side of the energy barrier, for a limited time in orbit over YOUR planet !"

There... that should bring them all in. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[dogscoff]

*Bored by all the hi-techery, dogscoff reflects on just how deeply disappointed he is that he never got to fire his oversized space-marine style weapons at anything but figments of his own imagination.

With 26 Posts left and nothing to do but watch these engineering types fiddle about with their "controllers", he packs his pulse rifle & grenade launcher and decides to go mosquito hunting. Also, a nice stroll might help sort out the funny walk and castrato voice still lingering from that Last little incident.

Anyone care to join me? Who knows what kind of mosquitos they have on this planet.

[ June 17, 2003, 12:10: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[Growltigger]

Good idea Dogscoff, all we have had to shoot on this away mission so far is some weird deadstar female monster type thingummywhatsits.... no real competition or challenge.

As the techno-nerds (they would have to be American) are building their engine, and Taz is cleaning his fur, I think I can go and enjoy myself a bit with you Dogscoff with a bit of hunting. Should put a bit of apetite for, ahem, interrogating our lovely lady prisoners later

You never know, I might just recall you smashing the but of your rifle into my "pouch" when I am trying to find something to aim at

[Kamog]

Kamog takes his tricorder and scans in the architecture and design of the beautiful tiled room with the fountain, and also captures holographic images of several girls.

When we get back to the ship, this will make a very nice holodeck program...

[Growltigger]

Captain to Mr Power Man, beam down some nasty evil lizardi things with lots of teeth from the Phong's Head menagerie. Dogscoff and I need something to kill.

Erax and Kamog, stop taking photos of nice young ladies and get that brain in place.

Has anyone found out why on earth the beeyoooootiful young ladies chose Mr S'Katchoo? (other than the fact that he is a disco queen with an underutilised brain?)....

and who is this funny senator deadstar who keeps making sotto vocce comments on the airwaves? someone please shoot him

[Growltigger]

"Mr Erax" says the captain as he gets into his loading robotic suite and proceeds to take the "Long Legged Heron Flying Over Dark Mountain" karate stance...., "stop getting cheeky with me m'boyo, you get that controller in place with immediate effect. If Dr Geo is not available for the operation, you might have to do it"

"HeeeeyyyahhhhH" the sight of El Kapitano springing through the air in his loading suit amazes all onlookers. The Queen lizard puts up her dukes and a battle royale commences!!

Cry havoc, and let slip the cats of war!!!

Bang bang biff biff crunch shriek heeyahhh bang bang biff biff pow thwack biff biff take that you vicious lizard scumbag biff biff twok crunch snff snff snffff thump

[dogscoff]

At Last!

*dogscoff goes into another trigger happy frenzy. By the time 3 minutes have elapsed, he and 'tig are covered head to toe in lizard guts and out of ammunition. Only the giant queen-lizard remains, so dogscoff has a couple of big power-assisted loading suits (like the one from aliens) beamed down for the big finale punchup.

[Erax]

Erax and Kamog, stop taking photos of nice young ladies and get that brain in place.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Actually, Cap'n, our job was to get the brain out of the controller thingy, getting it back into Mr. S'Katchoo's head is Dr. Geo's job.

I'm an engineer, not a doctor ! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

[Taz-in-Space]

Taz, always ready to learn some new violence, produces a large notepad...

Bang bang biff biff crunch shriek heeyahhh bang bang biff biff pow thwack biff biff take that you vicious lizard scumbag biff biff twok crunch snff snff snffff thump<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Notes:
bang = 4
biff = 8
crunch = 2
shriek = 1 -> I assume this is the queen http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif
heeyahhh = 1
pow = 1
thwack = 1
take that you vicious lizard scumbag = 1
twok = 1
snff = 2
snffff = 1 -> the long form of snff?
thump = 1 -> really hope this is the queen http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

OK, Taz got all of that... go on...

[Growltigger]

The bell rings and round 1 is over. Over heroic Captain strides over to the red corner in his loading mechanoid, slightly dented, sweating and swearing profusely with just a touch of blood from a small flesh wound.

The Queen Lizard is a tad more battered, and still plucky and raring for the fight.

Dogscoff mean while is having a nice chat with the young lady in the bikini who parades around the ring with the round numbers...

Ding ding seconds out Round 2....

Heeeeyaahhhhh rroowwlll thump bash biff crunch snap crunch awooga twok biff bash kick squeal snff snff snff snff pow cowabunga bash bash biff oooh you nasty little iguana crunch smash bite chew fnar fnar bash poke gouge biff twok munch snap bash biff roowwwwllll bugger crash biff bang boff twok biff crunch slam squeal CRASH......

The Queen is down for a standing count.......

[Growltigger]

oh hell she is up again biff baff boff crash bang whallop take that you evil scaly skinned varmint hack slash gouge crush bash biff bong ecky ecky ecky ftang bish bosh jobs a good 'un twok pow baff crunch OUCH crush slam punch biff baff boff...

Oh no, now Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat is down on the mat on a count!

[dogscoff]

*dogscoff decides to stop chatting up the eye candy and intervene:

stomp stomp kick punch shriek stomp smash "have you ever had a glasgow kiss missy?" nut kick stomp kick pif paf poof grab throw thunk yargh pound squish squish squish wiggle squish kick slap stomp.

His limited reserves of onomatopeia exhausted, dogscoff goes back to the corner to let 'tig finish the job.

[Power Man]

Beginning Phase Two

"This is Power Man to all Red shirts: All Red shirts are to report to Holodeck 4 for their annual Target Proficiency Evaluation. All Red shirts report to Holodeck 4."

Shortly later in Holodeck 4:

"OK People Lets get this under way. Your goal is to hit the target at the far end of the range."

1st Red Shirt Ready Aim Fire… Missed.. Hits their left foot. Ok there. Off to the medic.
2nd Red Shirt Ready Aim Fire… Missed .. Hits their Right foot. Same for you, off to the medic.
3rd Red Shirt Ready Aim Fire .. Missed.. Almost hit Power Man's foot !!!

4th "Red Shirt" Ready Aim Fire .. HIT, A Good Solid HIT !!! Very Good !!

ALL RIGHT COMPUTER ACTIVATE "RED SHIRT'S REWARD" PLAN ONE !!!

Suddenly the "Red Shirt" is surrounded by a Very High Powered Containment bubble field. The field cuts off all transmissions and blocks all forms of energy from entering or exiting the sphere.
At the same time four large attack Droids swing around the side of the ship and attack the two remaining Deadstar probes that have been stuck on the side of the ship. The two probes are knocked off the ship and placed in their own VHP Containment Bubble fields.

All of this happens so fast that no signal can be sent out.

In the Holodeck 4

"Computer begin Selected Subject Scan on the contained objects."

Within the bubble field the "Red shirt" disappears. The sinister form of the Deadstar probe is revealed. Several hatches open up and several beams attack the bubble. But none of the beams can get through. Various blades and cutters are tried but they also fail. High powered antennas attempt to signal out. But not a signal gets out.

Finally with a mechanical scream the probe self destructs with a tremendous explosion. The Bubble expands up and almost bursts but manages to contain the bLast. Outside the ship the Last two probes also self destruct.

"Computer maintain the bubbles. I want all three launched on a course that will drop them into the local star."

Power Man to Captain: "I would like to report that "Phase Two" is Complete.
The Last of the Deadstar probes that we "picked up" at Fart Point have been destroyed.
The ship has been scanned inside and out. All alien probes have been found and destroyed."

In the far off lair of Senator Raging Deadstar all signals from the three probes suddenly stop.

(Sorry I broke your "Toys" RD but I can't have your junk mucking up things on the Great Ship TSSS Phong's Head. )

OK folks less than 10 Posts left. Somebody had better start putting S'Katchoo's Brain back in his head.

[Taz-in-Space]

Since the fight seems to be Lasting longer than usual, and Taz lost his place taking notes due to the bikini-clad distraction between rounds, he wanders back to the Lab.

Seeing that Erax has disconnected S'Katchoos Brain, he waits for someone to hook it back up...

and waits...

waits some more...

Enough already! Taz grabs Erax and jams the Teacher helmet on Erax's head... a little too hard - Erax is knocked unconscious. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif

Muttering various Tazmanian curses, Taz whirls back to the Harem and grabs Kamog. Spinning back to the Lab, Taz places the Teacher helmet on Kamog's head ( a bit more gently this time) and then turns to the control board.

Hmmm, buttons for Topics, a dial for Duration,
More buttons for This : That : and Other Things! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif

Way Way Waaayyy too many buttons!!! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif

Finally Taz spots a large red button: Everything you wanted to know about anything and a whole lot more. ( OK. It was a huge red button)

Taz presses this button and the dial for duration - well he broke the dial - so duration is unknown...

Taz the press the smiley button: [ http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif ]

With a mighty hum, the Teacher machine activates and Kamog is bombarded with knowledge (and other things).

Perhaps too much knowledge - Kamog body seems to jerk and twitch in place and wisps of smoke are seen coming from his ears. Finally Kamog stops twitching and the Teacher machine shuts off...

Like any good Mad Scientist, Taz steps back (and rubbing his hands gleefully) waits for Kamog to do something... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[geoschmo]

At his point Dr. Geo stumbles into the room. He's completely disheveled, sporting a four day beard and appearing to to be severly hung over. He's wearing a bathrobe and muttering something under his breath about damn third rate assistants and wake up calls.

He grabs Taz by the shoulder and pulls him back from the control panel. "Are you crazy man? You'll scramble his brains for sure that way. Are you trying to kill him?"

[Taz-in-Space]

Taz looks at Dr Geo...

Taz looks at the Teacher Machine...

Taz again looks at Dr. Geo...

An idea begins to form...

Two is better than only one...
The machine is still set-up...

Hmmmm....

[Kamog]

After a long moment of silence, Kamog's eyes open. An eerie while light emanates from his eyes and mouth. Steam rises from his ears.

"I KNOW EEEVVVVEERRRYYTTTHHHIIINNNGGGG!!"
"A child could do it... a child could do it! OK now, let's get to work!"

Kamog sits down at the medical computer station and starts typing at a furious pace. "We can re-attach all of Mr. S'Katchoo's nerve connections by modifying Borg nanite technology", he explains while typing. Within minutes, several different 3-D views of the nanites appear on the screen, and a few seconds later, several thousand units are produced in the medical replicator.

Kamog puts on a lab coat, a mask and some latex surgical gloves, and places S'Katchoo's body on the operation table. He opens the medical cabinet and selects a glass vial filled with some sort of drug. There's a very complex-looking chemical formula on the label. Taking a hypo-needle, he injects some of the green liquid into the back of S'Katchoo's head.

Kamog then takes the laser scalpel and carefully cuts open S'Katchoo's head. There is an awful *sklunchhh* sound, as Kamog flips open the top half of S'Katchoo's skull. Inside the skull is empty darkness. Kamog takes a syringe full of nanites and deposits them at the base of S'Katchoo's hollow skull.

He then opens the brain storage canister that holds S'Katchoo's brain. Inside the container, the brain is floating in life-supporting bio-fluid, and attached to the brain are numerous wires, sensors and tubes. Kamog methodically removes all of the wires and tubes from the brain, gently holds the brain in his gloved hands, and lifts it out of the bio-fluid. Liquid drips down from the brain, and Kamog quickly inserts it into S'Katchoo's head. He then takes the trilaser connector and attaches the blood vessels. Above the operation table, the medical computer screen immediately starts showing a rotating image of brain activity and the nanites begin re-attaching S'Katchoo's brain to his spinal column and the nerve endings to his eyes, ears, mouth, and the rest of his body.

Kamog then closes up the top of S'Katchoo's head, and fuses his skull back together using the trilaser connector. Just as he finishes sealing up S'Katchoo's head, a light comes on above the operatin table, and the medical computer displays: "Nerve connections 100% COMPLETE."

"That was SO easy! Everything is so simple... I see the universe as a single equation. I know how to increase the ships's speed by 20,000%... how to produce unlimited energy from a drop of water... how to instantly communicate from one side of the universe to the other... - AAAARGGGG!!" Suddenly, Kamog holds his hands on his head and collapses onto the floor, his face contorted in pain.

S'Katchoo's eyes flutter open! He sits up. "Where am I?"

[Katchoo]

Science Officer S'Katchoo sits up rather abruptly.

"Where am I?" speaks Mr. S'Katchoo in a gravely voice.

He then looks around the room and sees Taz, Kamog, and Dr. Geo. Suddenly S'Katchoo's face goes cold and his arms reach out rather stiffly.

"Brains...BRAINSSSS!"

Taz, Kamog, and the Doc take a step back as Mr. S'Katchoo stiffly gets off the operating table and, with his arms still reaching out, begins to to stiffly walk towards Kamog.

A touch of drool begins to drip down from the side of Mr. S'Katchoo's mouth.

"Must eat Brains...Braaaaaaains...aaarrrrrrrrrgggguurrrrrrgg ggglllllee..."

[Growltigger]

Ding ding seconds out Round 3

Baff bish baff bosh There can be only one crunch pang doff nut thump pow ching rip snarl tear vrmmm vrmmmm bash kick stomp pow..

Jean Luc Le Grand Chat remembers about the chainsaw attached to the loading bot, vrmmm vrmmmm, it starts up and he proceeds to stuff it in the Queen Lizard's abdomen..

Snarl whimper rip chew mangle tear snarl groan death rattle rip chew mangle tear..

The Queen Lizard is shredded into a hundred small, purple and wobbly peices....

Right, we have a controller on the planet. S'Katchoo's brain is back in situ, we just need a voodoo doctor to exercise his zombie like appetite for flesh (Mr Power Man, please could you do the honours)....

Leaving what is happening on the TSSS Phong's Head aside... how'sa about Dogscoff, Taz and me go back to that harem http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Erax]

"Owww... what happened ? Where am I ?"

<font color=green> "Braaains... more braaains..."</font>

"Great... I'm in a B-movie."

PS : Captain, the harem girls were beamed up to the Phong some time ago.

[Growltigger]

Right, thanks for pointing that out Mr Erax, please reward yourself by taking a hot and soapy shower with our resident Gisella Bundchen clone...

OK chaps, end of the episode, the grand finale was the fight with the lizard queen. The girls have a new controller in their city, the harem lasses are currently resident on TSSS Phong's Head and will be sent back after a suitable amount of molestation.

We have Mr S'Katchoo's brain back in place, albeit he now is acting like a really bad 1950's zombie with a craving for flesh - almost better than his disco dancing and feyness... we can remedy that as a sub-plot in the next episode.

The damn klingons never did turn up but at least we managed to get rid of those damn Deadstar probes....

Cue shot of bridge crew looking happy and contented, cue themesong, and still picutres of Captain Jean Luc and Dogscoff in their armour looking mean, S'Katchoo craving brains, the hillbillies in sickbay, Jean Luc striking a pose, the away team slaughtering the nasty women things, Jean Luc looking heroic, the harem girls, Taz meeting Mrs Taz, Erax and Kamog tinkering, more pictures of Jean Luc and then a long final shot of a green skinned dancing girl (how did that get there?)

Right, what is the next episode then?

[Suicide Junkie]

Perhaps it is time for some Shore Leave (http://www.starfleetlibrary.com/tos/tos1/shore_leave.htm)?

[Erax]

Oooo, good choice !

Now if you'll all excuse me, I've been assigned maintenance duty on a Giselle clone. Captain's orders. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

See you next episode...

[Raging Deadstar]

Originally posted by Chief Engineer Erax:
"Owww... what happened ? Where am I ?"

<font color=green> "Braaains... more braaains..."</font>

"Great... I'm in a B-movie."

PS : Captain, the harem girls were beamed up to the Phong some time ago.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">No not yet, we havn't got a series finished yet, after that comes the B-movie that screws up any continuity we ever had

EDIT: I have no idea who Gisella whats her name is so after searching i found out erax's in the shower with. I'm glad it's you and not me (she's ok, just not my type) I think i'll stick to my Otep Shamaya and Talena Atfield Clones http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

[ June 23, 2003, 19:16: Message edited by: Senator Raging Deadstar ]

[mac5732]

The wizen older gentleman down in the fortress of Fartpoint walks into his den after a hard day of trying to control the known universe... he sits down in his favorite recliner, orders his usual bacon, eggs, hash brown, rye toast and of course his normal brewski, picks up his clicker, points at his 85" big screen and tunes in to his favorite soap opera.. The continuing escapades of the TSS Phongs Head.... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif now lets see what the crew is up to now... he chuckles to himself........

[dogscoff]

For the next episode, we will be following S_J's suggestion from a few Posts back.
And no, that's not a typo in the title- as usual the interpretation is entirely up to you...

[ June 24, 2003, 08:32: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[Growltigger]

Cue opening shots and credits for Bar Trek, pictures of the ship zooming around the galaxy etc

Captain Slog Stardate 08.34 GMT and I have just won £390 on a £5 betting for Karlovic to beat Hewitt at Wimbledon. I will be insufferably smug all day I feel.

It has been a stressful time aboard the TSSS Phong's Head. We have had to deal with our poor science officer losing his brain, and then having it restored and turning into a flesh eating zombie. I have signalled Starfleet to send me a fully qualified voodoo specialist in order to sort this out, but in the meantime, S'Katchoo is locked firmly in the brig.

Mr Power Man has done a cracking job clearing the Phong's Head of deadstar probes. We are now free and clear but it has all been stressful for the crew.

The away team are suffering post traumatic stress as well from the rigours of our away mission and even the bevy of willing and lovely beauties in the hold cannot cheers us up. We are also desparately low on booze, the only thing we seem to have left are bottles of Smirmoff Ice and some Watneys Red Barrel, and the chaps are reduced to drinking turbo shandys for their sins....

On a personal note, only the joyful and happy sounds of Mr Erax in the shower enjoying a soapy wash with a Gisella Bundchen clone are keeping my end up.

I have decided that we need R&R. There is a rather pleasant planet not far from here, very earth like and looking idyllic. A week there on the beach should be just the thing to cheer up the crew.

Mr Power Man, set your course to that nice looking planet, warp 8, make it so..

A few hours later, the Phong's Head orbits the rather pretty M class planet.

Mr Power Man, the crew will enjoy some R&R by rotation, naturally, all senior officers get first bash down there to, ahem, check out the local terrain and make sure it is safe for the rest of you. You get to go down in a week.

Tranporter room, beam me down to that idyllic looking tropical beach, beam down the harem of lovelies as well and make sure they have got their skimpy string bikini's on. Oh, and beam down some suncream oil, a large loofer and a deckchair.

Strange, but I dont know why I am constantly thinking of PVC wet look underwear?

[ June 24, 2003, 08:52: Message edited by: Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat ]

[David E. Gervais]

Originally posted by Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat:
David Gervais, hey, that is me! now if I only knew how to change my avatar, I could use it!<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">simple,..

1) Right-click on the avatar pic below and select 'copy shortcut'

2) go to your profile and view/update it.

3) Click on the 'Select a different avatar image' link.

4) In the window that pops, change the 'Use custom URL' to your new one. (delete the current url and with the cursor in the blank frame press Ctrl-v to paste the new URL

5) Press the 'Set URL' button then press the 'Select this Avatar' button below your avatar pic in the top left of the window.

6) Update your profile.

Voila!

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[ June 26, 2003, 15:17: Message edited by: David E. Gervais ]

[Gryphin]

Isn't Staff Sleet sending you Buffy clones to fight zombees?

[Growltigger]

Starfleet sending us Buffy clones to fight Mr S'Katchoo? really? oh wow, and will there be some Willow clones as well and that clones of that sassy brunette too?

oh joy, this really is going to be "sore leave"

[Suicide Junkie]

*A frazzled-looking redshirt engineer staggers down the corridor*
*nearly collapsing, he falls against a control panel*

Redshirt: Computer... how much longer till the next shift?
Computer: Five hours, Thirty six minutes, ten point two six seconds
Redshirt: Ok, well uhm... rewr..reroute the ... ah... secondary plasma feed to ... well somewhere.
Computer: Please specify destination.
Redshirt: *Sigh* I don't care... send it anywhere.
Computer: Bu-leep!

*The Redshirt sits down heavily, tugs open a panel, and pulls out various tools*
OW!!! (Drops a hyper spanner on his toe)
Yeargh! (Burns thumb with a plasma torch)
*click click* (inspects the non-functional laser cutter)
*SSSS!* *Thud* (Gets bLasted in the face as soon as he looks down the barrel)

*Meanwhile a random officer's quarters are becoming uncomfortably warm from the rerouted plasma, and the power is still out in half the ship's bathrooms*

[ June 26, 2003, 18:47: Message edited by: Suicide Junkie ]

[Erax]

*splash* *splash* *soap* *lather* *rinse* *repeat*

(Well, my bathroom is one of those with power.)

(Now where were we before this interruption...)

*splash* *splash* *etc*

[David E. Gervais]

Gt, what do you think of this avatar?..

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/newuploads/1056623591.gif (http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/newuploads/1056623591.gif)

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Growltigger]

David Gervais, hey, that is me! now if I only knew how to change my avatar, I could use it!

[Suicide Junkie]

All over the ship, the regular crew begin to zone out at their Posts, and minor accident victims start flowing into sickbay.

It dosen't take long for Dr. Geo to realize what the problem is...

[Growltigger]

Hmmm... this thread seems to be duieing a death.

Is it time to land the TSSS Phings Head and revert to a cantina?

[David E. Gervais]

Originally posted by Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat:
Is it time to land the TSSS Phings Head and revert to a cantina?<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">aaaaah, I miss wandering in to the old Cantina and sitting at my favorite table by the fake window with the fake rain trickling down,.. aaaaah the memories. And having all those Kylie Clones in mini-skirts to serve us was a very nice bonus. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

I did build a replica of my table by the window, but it's just not the same without all the surrounding decor.

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Suicide Junkie]

That sounds like a great idea! The crew could sure use some Shore Leave http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif