Bar Trek: The Next Generation. Episode 4: Sore Leave

[dogscoff]

*Dogscoff appears in the grey featureless void between realities. In this neutral place his sanity returns, and as it does so his magical powers dwindle. He must act quickly before he is trapped here without any power at all.

First he uses some of his remaining magic to create physical laws. Unfortunately he is not yet completely sane, and this is reflected in the cartoon laws he implements.

His next act is to create space and matter. True to the chaotic origin of his magic, everything is inconstant, jumbled and disordered. Random objects, parts of objects, imagination-made-real and clumps of lifeless matter appear out of nowhere, changing and morphing until their inherent chaos gradually succumbs to the monotonous inevitability of physics.

In the midst of this, dogscoff barely has time to organise a little bubble of air to surround and sustain him.

Finally, using the very Last of his powers, he creates a portal from this place to the "old world", the universe which holds the ruins of the old Cantina. It is an unstable and very fragile gateway, but hopefully the Cantina's residents will all make it through, where they can use their own skills and resources to create some kind of world from this disorder.

Spent and powerless, dogscoff floats in his bubble, watching the primordial events of creation unfold...

=======================================

OK people, we've got everything we need to build anything we want. Feel free to drag items through from the "old world" to help set up the new one (a matter gravity sphere would be handy=-), so come on in and let's set things up. Hurry, though, the portal won't Last forever and you don't want to be left out.

We can rename the thread later, once we figure out exactly what it is we've created.

[ June 24, 2003, 08:30: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[David E. Gervais]

A small 12 foot A.C.M.E. moving van pulls up to the new site. I get out of the passenger side of the truck and proceed to scan the joint...

Spotting a long bare back wall near where the kitchen might be installed, I tell the movers to unload my prize.. The sixteen movers carefully carry in a 40 foot long antique Oak Bar. It fits perfectly along the back wall. I hope Taz will like it!

I then move to an outer wall and set up a nice cozy table next to a window. I have the movers unload my second prize... They quickly install the fake rain maker outside the window. Aaaah nice, I like the soothing sound of the fake rain. I sit and wait to see who comes in next!

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[ April 16, 2003, 16:10: Message edited by: David E. Gervais ]

[Raging Deadstar]

*A familliar figure to the residents of the cantina steps through the unstable portal and quickly heads behind a a few planted trees outside the cantina walls, quickly checking down his pants to make sure that stellar instablity hasn't had any adverse side effects *well, it sounds like a typical dogscoff moment* Feeling rather secure knowing his wedding tackle is appropiate order (unlike the time I tried to pass through that unstable wormwhole, you have no idea what the gravity from a black hole can do to you! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif )Raging Deadstar sends a message through the unstable portal through to "the other side" and quickly checks to see what the laws of physics are in this realm. He rummages around in his pockets and pulls out a large black hole, ok so that works, throws it underneath a rock and watches as it falls through. RD then quickly dodges out the way as a 1 tonne anvil crashes down beside him. Yes, the carton laws are very much in work here! Seeing this he begins to pull at the unstable portal and manages to pull the medium sized Deadstar Continuum transporter through. Inside this Transport is the remaining stock from the old cantina (The regulars will have to come now i stole all the drink http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif Also inside this are a bunch of new bar staff all eager to start work at this new hedonistic home away from home..*

*RD then walks over to the architectural plans for the site, the outer walls have been made and he starts discussing with dogscoff what stuff is for*

So thats the wine and beer store? Too small!
*Furious scribbling and adjustments are made*
We need a Medieval Dungeon!
*yet more furious scribbling*
Whats that large room 0n the second floor?
*Dogscoff explains that that is the king size "executive memebers only" hard-playroom*
I see! *arches eyebrow*
Hmm i see the FBW's have demanded a bigger dressing room!
*Dogscoff yet again explains this was organised by Growltigger, who obviously gave into strenious "Demands" off the FBW's*

*Raging Deadstar then pulls out some large paintings and hangs them on the wall. The Destruction of the first cantina, Artists impresiions of the time Growltiggers testicles expanded to the size of weather ballons (complete with bulging eyes) and the time Geoschmo was attacked by the lucy lui ninja. All classic moments from the past... RD smiles at the happiness (and bruises) this place has given him and proceeds to place some of the old items from the cantina around the new place to sparkle it up. Many hours later he hangs the phongs head that announces the "Door is ajar" every 5 minutes is placed on it's hook and the new Tachyon Projection cannon and Quantum torpedoes are installed at the door.*

*Raging Deadstar smiles evily as nowe, true to character he slynks off towards david Gervais who is creating some graphics like the true artist he is and doesn't notice the brooding Deadstar. One swing of an oversized iron wok later and he is sprawled out unconcious on the cantina floor, with drool hanging out his mouth and a glazed look in his eyes. Raging Deadstar smiles to himself at his victory.*

FIRST BLOOD!!!!!!

*Raging Deadstar happily orders an apple juice and sits down in the darkest corner that is now his sanctuary, happy to know he was the first to commit cartoon violence in the 3rd cantina!*

[Puke]

A torrential flow of vomit rushes through the open portal, and knocks RD out of his chair - spilling his apple juice. With the laws of gravity not yet entirely intact, the large glob of vomit becomes selfcohesive and congeals into a single mass, once the flow finally dribbles to a halt.

a mass rotates on the surface, blinking open to reveal a massive eye that takes in the scene, paying careful scrutiny to Scoff, DG, and RD. The mass of vomit spontaniously attains sentience, and becomes self aware.

Puke is here.

Indescribeable imaginings transpire withing the primordial brain of Puke. A large dome of crystal or glass, which is feared not by Doc Shane (nor by Giordano Bruno), materializes out of the semi-somethingness of this reality, and encloses the cantina and the surrounding grounds. A tarmac appears outside, on which sits a very large egg.

Engines grow on the rear of the structure, so that the Cantina might go wherest it wilt.

[David E. Gervais]

...I don't know how long I have been lying on the floor drooling, but don't care at the moment. I'm too busy trying to control the waves of pain coursing through my body. The source of the pain is one big mother of a goose-egg bump on my cranium. As my eyes slowly come into focus, I notice all seems quiet in the new cantina. I sit back in my chair by the window with the fake rain and the soothong sound of the running water helps to alieviate the pain a little.

I scan the cantina and notice RD in a dark corner,.. Hey RD, have you been here long? Did you see who it was that wasted a perfectly good cast iron pan on my cranium? RD said something while pointing to the door, The ringing in my ears prevented me from catching what he said. From his gesture I assumed that the culpret had left.

I offer RD a drink on my tab and ask if he would be so kind as to point out the culprit the next time he sees him.

I order myself a drink and decide to take a bit of a rest before getting back to my pixels!

...

[Raging Deadstar]

*Raging Deadstar was busy plotting revnge when he notcies David Gervais regain consciencenous. He finishes putting the polished mahogany table in his corner and has placed a large purple and black leather couch in it. He has also removed most lights in the vicinity of this cornor and has installed a couple of UV lights, just to make himself feel at home.*

Sorry David, never saw that culprit http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif but i have a nasty feeling it was ragnarok, i think he ran back through the portal though! *shakes head* Some people! thanks for the drink! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

*RD sits back on the couch and scoops up the now floating apple juice, realising that he is now floating in mid air!*

Someone better bring some anti gravity technology with them, i can't relax on my sofa!! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif

[primitive]

A hulking barbarian enters through the portal, carrying a runecovered rusty (yet pointy) spear in one hand. Following him are two oversized Kylie clones, complete with undersized golden hotpants, carrying flagons containig an assortement of minor toxins, hallucinogenic and aphrodisiacs. The flagons are left at the bar, with instructions to Taz to mix them in the drinks at his own discretion.

He then proceed to a silent corner, where he builds a large fireplace and sets up a large rougly hewn table and a few chairs. Using the rune magic of his rusty (yet pointy) spear, he sets up a magic barrier, securing his little corner from the evils of country music.

Yup, this looks like home.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

40 feet above the roof of the cantina, reality is stretching and...something else few speices even have a name for. something is forming...it looks bright blue...like a small supernove. except, this 'supernova' opens up...revealing a tunnel-like structure stretching away, in a direction that normal physics can't define. and something falls out...sideways. humanoid, in power armor. the figure quikly adjusts it's position to brace for a landing, then begins to slow down. by the time the figure gets to the ground, it is traveling slow enough to make a gentle landing. looking around, the figure takes it's first unhuried survey of the area where it now is. and speaks. "A CHAOTIC, UNFORMED REGION! NOT AGIAN!"

narf heads toward the bar, hoping that someone might be able to tell him something about this newly formed pocket of space. inside, he notices a barbarian and freinds, a newly sentient organic compilation lifeform, an artist who looks like he got hit with something and a sneaky-looking bartender. sitting on a stool, he says "bartender, one part hydrocloric acid, one part suger, one part root beer flavoring. where am i and how did this get here? what's the currency?"

[ooc: i was falling sideways, not positioned sideways. hi. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif forgot a few of the practicalities. also, my armor is light gray/light blue.]

[ April 16, 2003, 23:07: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[Raging Deadstar]

*Raging Deadstar smiles, unless he is the crafty looking bartender said Raging Deadstar has been practically un-noticed. The corner of the room he resides in his now more homely. Hidden off behind dark purple velvet curtains and a large fire now blazes in the enclosed room. A uv light shines from above and he relaxes on his sofa. Feeling the urge to do evil Raging Deadstar walks over to narf and points out that all drinks must be paid fully in ethiopian currency. He smiles to himself nastily as he watches Narf go and invest his minerals into the now waiting currency conVersion machine, which is totally non refundable! He smiles to himself and polishes the null space projector, sips his apple juice and waits for his nemesis, the one they call Ragnarok!*

[ April 17, 2003, 00:21: Message edited by: Raging Deadstar ]

[narf poit chez BOOM]

[ooc:so your not the bartender, you just stole the booze?]
realizing that he's been tricked, narf hacks the currency machine with nanotech and drains RD's accounts into his own. then he hacks into the transport bureau and labels rd's transport a derelict and sends some memo's off to some salvage companies, sits back and take's a big swallow.
[ooc: so we now have a bartender who's definitly up to something, and who is not rd.]
his nanobots nuetralize some unkown chemicals in the drink. since there is nothing apparently sinister about them, the suits central computer simply logs them as 'incidentals' and does not notify narf.

[Katchoo]

His journey from Walla Walla to Flim Flam half done, Katchoo adjusts the air speed and axial rotation of the propeller on his beany hat and floats into the bar.

*putt*putt*putt*

Katchoo realizes the lack of gravity here makes his ride more smoothly. He pulls a black 1 x 1 foot tape recorder from 1983 out of his back pocket and hits the record button:

"Note to future self, ignore laws of gravity."

*click*whirrrrr*rewind*rewind*rewind*click*

Having never been here before, Katchoo overlooks the bar and decides to blend in. Rotating 180 degrees in the air so that the crumbs won't fall in his shoes (he already has a lovely collection of rocks and sand in there), Katchoo begins to chew on the Oak Bar.

*rarrrrarraaa*crunch*crunch*aaaaarrararrrrr*

[Taera]

A big, shiny green bug enters the Nameless Cantina.
"Hey you creatures i see you need a name, how about Rotting Banana?"

[Kamog]

Hello! This new Cantina is a really nice place! Everything is so brand new and clean... just look at the shine on the floor! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[mac5732]

Mac walks into this new place looks around, he appears most disheveld, worn out, his clothes are wet, damp and dirty, BUT, he has a brewski in his hand, The group ask what happened, Mac just looks at them... then slowly tells them, its Gone, its gone again..... he looks around for a cornor table, orders his usual scrambled eggs, toast, hash browns, bacon and a brewski, walks over and sits down, claiming the table, ahhh, feels good to be home again....

[Taz-in-Space]

...Exiting the glowing portal, Taz advises everyone NOT to go back through the portal.

'That old cantina is now closed.'

Taz then goes to the bar and begins to write-up an expense report.

One ACME cruiser with the following components:
1 Master Computer III
1 Quantum Reactor
6 Quantum Engines III
1 Inverted Quantum Beam

Total Cost - 108,260 Minerals 21,000 Organics 101,460 radioactives

Having done the paperwork, Taz takes his usual position behind the bar and begins to polish the fine oak surface. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Taz-in-Space]

What is THIS? SOMEBODY IS CHEWING ON THE BAR?!!! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif

Taz zips over to Katchoo and quickly winds-up his beanie extra tight.

With a sound like an out of control buzzsaw, Katchoo is sent into the rafters with such force that only the top of his beanie can be seen inbedded therein.

Satisfied that the problem has been handled, Taz again resumes polishing the bar. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[ZeroAdunn]

A new one? What happened to the old one?

*ZA starts a fire*

Goodbye....

[narf poit chez BOOM]

roughly translated from computer into english:
'potiential dangerous chemical reaction. self-spreading. danger to wearer: none. suit systems 95% functional. suit armor 83% functional. danger to wearer's food: 5 minuts, 19 seconds, estimated. precision not needed. danger to others: unkown. danger or potential help from others: uncertain. owner disaproves of out of control 'fire'.'
pshhhhhhh. ''fire' neutralized. biological tagged as poteintaily dangerous. prepare combat systems at next emergence. no engeagement without engagement. current environment suitable for wearer.'

[Gryphin]

::: Steps through the portal, Powers up the local xystems, Verifys the Tabs arrived as expected, Goes to the executive suites to discuss biz with the Cat ::

[Katchoo]

*munch*munch*munch*

"Hmmm..."

Katchoo notices a different taste to the bar. Maybe that brief spot of vertigo has altered his tastebuds? Possibly...

Katchoo sneezes, dislodging himself from the ceiling and floats to the floor.

"My, it's getting crowded in here" observers Katchoo. "Well, back to blending in."

Katchoo takes off his beany propellor hat to reveal a head full of steaming spaghetti! Reaching into his back pocket Katchoo then pulls out a hot bottle of Head & Shoulders Meat Sauce and pours it generously over his head.

"Dig in everyone!" shouts Katchoo, and begins to eat the spaghetti.

*munch*munch*munch*

[Power Man]

Power Man steps through the portal.
As he looks around he see some old and as well as some new folks.
He walks over to dogscoff and sees the plans for the new cantina.

"If I may, I would like to make an addition to the place."
Power man takes out a deck of playing cards and proceeds to build a small house of cards just to one end of the plans.

There is a puff of smoke and the small house of cards disappears from the table.

With a bigger PUFF of smoke a shinny dark wood door appears in the far side of the cantina.
On the door is a brass sign that reads "CARD ROOM No Food Allowed "

It appears that along with the poor gravity and the laws of "toon", it looks like there may be some "Pun Power" in this new universe.

Power Man opens the door and inside we see that a new addition has been made to the cantina.
Inside the card room we can see some gaming tables with fine green coverings. A deep red carpet is on the floor. There is a table for Poker, one for Black Jack (or Baccarat for you Continental folks ) and one just for fun. Each table comes with a Fuzzy Bunny Dealer (FBD) dressed in outfits that make it hard to keep one's eyes on their cards.
The room features different sets of lights (even UV) that can be adjusted for just the right amount of light.

Power Man says, "I came looking for a place to hold a good card game. Now maybe I can finally get one."
"Dogscoff, we can discuss what the "house cut" will be later."

Power Man heads to the bar.
"Thanks for the offer Katchoo, but I don't feel like having any spaghetti right now. I guess you must also use "head cheese" in your recipe? "

"Hay Taz, were are the tribble wings??"

[David E. Gervais]

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
roughly translated from computer into english:
'potiential dangerous chemical reaction. self-spreading. danger to wearer: none. suit systems 95% functional. suit armor 83% functional. danger to wearer's food: 5 minuts, 19 seconds, estimated. precision not needed. danger to others: unkown. danger or potential help from others: uncertain. owner disaproves of out of control 'fire'.'
pshhhhhhh. ''fire' neutralized. biological tagged as poteintaily dangerous. prepare combat systems at next emergence. no engeagement without engagement. current environment suitable for wearer.'<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Taz, do me a favor, turn off the TV, it's annoying when Narf is broadcasting! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Want to hear something funny? Narf was trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. I don't know if he was having fun, but he sure sounded genuinely perplexed about it not fitting! I tried to help him but he was much too distracted to hear me!

Ah well, next he'll be playing with marbles! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[dogscoff]

*dogscoff looks about at the work done so far, and is pleased. It looks a bit like the Last Cantina, but otherwise is coming along nicely. It's pretty cool to have a mobile establishment too, although so far in this universe there's nothing to go and visit, just a random collection of matter and objects floating around and bumping into one another.

Hmmm...

*dogscoff writes something on a beermat, signs it and throws it back through the portal. The note authorised his agents in the old world to make a little purchase using dogscoff's remaining funds. After a while his purchase squeezes through the portal into the new universe. It's a dreadnought, equipped with a master computer (named Hodmimir), some stellar manipulation components, a quantum reactor and a repair bay. Dogscoff gives the ship orders to "go forth and make us some interesting stars and planets and things to visit."

Unfortunately, dogscoff didn't have enough money for a brand new master computer, and the one he has bought is... shall we say... part-worn. You know what these cheap AIs can be like after a little use, they can get a little... quirky.

"You want 'interesting', do you?" says Hodmimir, before giggling maniacally and zooming off into the nothingness to fulfil its task. Who knows what it will create...

[narf poit chez BOOM]

[ooc: can i help it if the suits overprotective? don't worry, i'll come up with funny. at the very least, the burgening fued between me and deadstar should provide some:).]
loud clunking noises are heard coming from outside. it sounds like a salvage ship latching on to something.
[to bad he got his stuff of first. oh well.]
narf chuckles. then he points his finger at a darkened, unnoticed corner, and says "nano: kareoke machine". a stream of nanobots quickly builds a kareoke machine, then returns to his body. narf grins quietly to himself
[my character specialises in quiet mischief...so no one knows who did it:) square peg in round hole? perhaps. how do you feel about pranks? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif ]

[ April 18, 2003, 03:38: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[narf poit chez BOOM]

[ooc:what, katchoo got your tongues?
uh...
*whacks himself with T5xE3PDH*]

[ April 18, 2003, 08:11: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[Katchoo]

Originally posted by Power Man:
Power Man heads to the bar.
"Thanks for the offer Katchoo, but I don't feel like having any spaghetti right now. I guess you must also use "head cheese" in your recipe? "
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">*munch*munch*slurrrrrrp*munch*

"Hmmm...? Oh, no...no cheese...i'm lactose ignorant..."

Katchoo turns to look around the bar and sees everyone staring at him. Or ignoring him. He can't really tell since he has meatsauce in his eyes.

"C'mon everyone, eat up!"

Spaghetti sauce spits out as Katchoo speaks, spraying most of the bar with red sauce.

*slurrrrrrrp*munch*munch*munch*

[Taz-in-Space]

...Taz serves Powerman his tribble wings and returns to the bar just in time to see Katchoo spraying sauce on the bar. Taz does a double take as he notes Katchoo is eating what seems to be spaghetti out of his head. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

He wants to be angry at Katchoo for the mess but how can he blame a critter that has such a handicap? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif

Taz decides that he will experiment and see if he can determine if Katchoo is an intelligent customer or some out-of-control pet.

Taz carefully opens some very hot pepper
(the kind that comes in sealed lead containers with flashing warning labels) and sprinkles the pepper thickly over the spaghetti. He figures that an intelligent critter should be able to learn NOT to eat his own brain. (even if it is spaghetti)

Taz then stands back to see the results of his first test.

[Katchoo]

*munch*munch*lipsmack*lipsmack*

...?

Katchoo starts to feel a tingling sensation on his head. Pulling out his bottle of Head & Shoulders Meat Sauce, he smiles.

"Wow, it tingles, so it must be working!"

Tears stream down Katchoo's face as he contiues eating the spaghetti that grows in place of hair.

*munch*munch*slurrrrrrrrp*munch*

Off in the corner, the barbarian eyes Katchoo. Could the barbarian possibly mistake Katchoo for the mythological figure known as Medusa? Could he...?

[narf poit chez BOOM]

'biological upgraded to strange catagory 4, yuck catagory 2. note for base: group 12-14 year-old programmers idea 3.7 point effiency upgrade, o.r.c. scale. catagory naming -0.5. difficulties in data exchange with sentients (that means people). note preceeding programmed interjection (snob). 0.25 resources diverted for non-esientials.'
[ooc: the o.r.c. scale is out of 10.]
narf takes another look at katchoo. 'yuck' he thinks.
then he decides to keep an eye on taz. he might not approve of the goop slowly starting to peel off the ceiling. or, he might approve. or, spoil it for fun. 2/3. narf puts some bait (salted nuts) down on the table below while taz is ocupied.
he considers some string in katchoo's spagetti...but he's too likely to get caught. besides, 2 pranks on something is overdoing it.

[ April 19, 2003, 09:27: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[Raging Deadstar]

*Raging Deadstar emerges from his corner and orders yet another apple juice and then returns to his sanctuary. The entrance is now complete with a specially added enema firing cannon to keep away any mischeivious little "oiks". He smiles to himself as he notices his medium transport being towed away and quickly opens up his laptop and sends a message to the ship, smiling as the self destruct device explodes taking the bloody thieves with it!*

Right.... Now Narf! I'd love to have a feud with you, but i am currently waiting for Ragnarok, if you've read the Last few pages of the old cantina you will notice i'm currently busy feuding with him, but i'm sure if you insult Powerman he will give you some violence(or whatever you're looking for http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif )

*As Raging Deadstar smiles to himself he throws his voice to where narf is standing. "ONIONS!" Raging Deadstar feels a suitbale measure of revenge has been achieved and watches as the "oik" is buried under a pile of Onions. Then he pulls a black hole out of his pocket and slides it underneath the large pile of veg and watches as it crashes down into the basement with a satisfying crash of pots and pan like noises. He then lies down on his sofa and loads up his napalm spreader, soon Ragnarok will come, and RD will be waiting *brood* *brood**

[ April 19, 2003, 11:50: Message edited by: Raging Deadstar ]

[David E. Gervais]

..I walk into the new antina and move over to my table by the window with the fake rain and order a nice tall galss of Amaretto di Sarono on ice..

I pull out my laptop and thanks to the latest in wireless technology, I hook up to the net and log on to the #se4 chanel at Gamesnet. hmmm, Rollo's in the shower and for the first time I see no sign of Fyron and SJ... I sit patiently and see who else will join the chat..

Cheers!

[Taz-in-Space]

...Hmmm, Katchoo is still eating the spaghetti! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

Perhaps the little critter is just extra hungry -
I'll give it something else and see if it eats that.

Taz goes to the Kitchen and prepares an order of Tribble wings. He then takes the wings and a tall
frosted mug of beer and sets it down beside Katchoo.

Glancing around the bar, Taz notices that some shadowy figure in armor is watching him. In almost any other establishment this would be suspicious - but not here. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif Taz also notices some salted nuts and gives those to Katchoo as well.
Taz makes a note to himself to watch this narf fellow more closely.

Taz goes back to wiping the bar and waits for further developments.

[ April 19, 2003, 17:47: Message edited by: Taz-in-Space ]

[narf poit chez BOOM]

narf suddnely relizes that he needs to replace an obscure but important part of his suit, called an isp. using his nanobots he rots the onions around him. then he hides them in places were it will be hard to find them. narf flies out of the hole and says "sorry, mantenence time, gotta run"

meanwhile, the green goop follows the nuts along the ceiling.

[it's basically an advanced Version of silly putty, 5 feet across, nonsentient, dark green, follow's the nuts and each time one is eaten it grows a little less attached to the cieling. when the Last ones eaten, it becomes bright green and falls. i'm assuming the cieling and corners are dark. i'm switching my isp. don't know when i'll be back, but it should be within 5 days. side note: the suits 'personality' is: 3 dashes of anylitical machine, 1 dash of housekeeper, 1 dash of war machine. narf's is kinda into pranks and a little annoyed that he can't get out of the suit. why he always orders something with poison in it.]

[Power Man]

Power Man looks over and sees that he as been rated THREE STARS !!
“YAY, my Rants have Finally been Rated !!”
“Taz, a round of your best three star al for the room. Even the guy under the tanning (UV) lamps.

Power Man sees David G. sitting at the window. “Hay David see what I managed to save from the Old Place.”
Power Man opens his Carry-All and pulls out the small fountain from the model cantina. It’s a little dented and scratched but it looks like it would still work.
Power Man takes it outside and sets it up in front of the New Place.
He turns up the water pressure to the fountain.
This causes the fountain to expand into a full size fountain, complete with a small pond and some benches.

If one looks into the pond one may see some very hard to spot and reclusive “COY Fish”.

“I think this place could use some flowers.” Power Man opens his Carry-All and pulls out some planters and puts them around the benches.
In the theme of a major holiday on my home world I am going to plant some Lilies.

As soon as the lilies are planted they begin to change. Their flowers get kind of orange stripes and the edges get what look like sharp little points (almost like teeth!).
The stems get a coating of orangish fuzz. And the leaves get a set of (claw like ) stickers.

If one listens one might hear what sounds like a “Meow-- FITZ…FITZ ”!!!
But don’t get too close. These are “Limp Lilies” no more.
No, get too close and you will get your Nose Nibbled !

They are now Tiger ( or maybe TIGGER) Lilies !!

So David, you don’t have to listen to fake rain. You can listen to the splashing fountain.
(Just watch out for the Tigger Lilies.)

(Oh what PUNishment! ) http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Raging Deadstar]

*Raging Deadstar watches as powerman continues to butcher all things cultural and sane. He Loads up his napalm spreader and unleashes firey hell upon powermna, who tries to avoid the falling flames, looking like a morris dancer whilst doing so! RD then pulls the emergency "Fire Bomb" cord and watches as the weapon fires a giant load of napalm at Powerman. Seeing that Powerman is now extra crispy and blackened he smiles to himself and proceeds to relax!*

Tanning booth?! Do i look like the sort of person who wants a tanning booth!

*Shakes his head and fires his portable gravitation hellbore with combined null space abilities. He smiles as Powerman's face becomes twisted with pain and laughs evily, knowing thet powermans bladder is rapidly imploding. Powerman runs to the "Inner Snactum" to relieve himself after one to many drinks. Raging Deadstar smiles and decides he wants to play his next game of seiv in peace and orders his Talena Atfield and Otep Shamaya combat trained body guards to make sure no one disturbs him!*

Speaking of not being disturbed! Where is Ragnarok?! it's been 5 days and he hasn't put in an appearance. I'll give him 5 more days and if he doesn't appear i win the war *gets up and does victory dance! Luckily the curtains are closed so no-one sees!* http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/blush.gif

Come on rags, i've set the ultimatum! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[ April 21, 2003, 18:41: Message edited by: Raging Deadstar ]

[David E. Gervais]

Originally posted by Power Man:
So David, you don’t have to listen to fake rain. You can listen to the splashing fountain.
(Just watch out for the Tigger Lilies.)<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Power Man, The old fountain looks great, and I like the fake rain, not just for the sound, I like the way the water slowly washes down the window. I kind of reminds me of a one-way lava lamp http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Of course, now that you installed the fountain, I'll be sure to take advantage of the benches on nice sunny days!

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Taz-in-Space]

...OK everybody Powerman has bought a round for the house! (Just hope he can still pay after getting napalmed) http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

And while your getting your drinks, Take a copy of Taz's very first game: 1050951944.zip (http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/newuploads/1050951944.zip)

after downloading it, just unzip to a directory and execute the EXE file.
(NO I did NOT mean to kill the file! RUN IT!! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif )

ESC will exit game
F1 will bring up the help file

Any insanity derived from game is at own risk and free! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Comments/complaints here or to fishnetpenna@yahoo.com

[Raging Deadstar]

*Raging Deadstar notices that a large arcade style computer game has been placed in a corner. Raging Deadstar walks over and pays the fee, which he notes is exceptionally high, seeing that taz is the creator it's probably lining growltiggers pockets so he happily continues and watches as hundreds of food shaped objects fly across what only looks like an oak polished bar!*

Nice Taz, is pretty fast though, i probably have burst a blood vessel in my fingers from that! Do you get bonus points for the brewski's?

*Sits down and thinks and orders a nice fruit cocktail juice with a lime slice on the top and proceeds to wait for the next unsuspecting customer*

[ April 21, 2003, 20:41: Message edited by: Raging Deadstar ]

[Power Man]

Power Man returns "Relaxed and Refreshed" from the "Inner Sanctum".
What was that famous quote ? "I love the smell of napalm in the morning."

Ya RD like your purple curtains, UV lights, and enema firing cannons are "cultural and sane".
Maybe I ought to change your lights to be what they call "Black lights", you know the ones that make everything glow. That would give you a "different" color.

Power Man steps out of the cantina for a bit.
A short time later Taz gives RD a note.
RD reads the note. "GO OUTSIDE YOU NEED MORE TRAINING. Signed A Wise Master"

Intrigued RD goes outside. He sees that a large Un-Painted fence has been built all around the cantina!
There is a small sign sitting on a large can of toon paint the never empties and tiny angry toon brush that is always "Bristled" . It reads "Time for a LESSON."

Since RD knows that this is the way to true wisdom he is COMPELLED to take up the tiny brush and he begins to Paint the Fence. He will CONTINUE to paint the fence until the job is done.

However the fence is VERY LONG. The brush is VERY TINY. And when (and IF) he ever gets done the toon paint will change color, forcing him to START OVER.

One Last item.
The fence was made from "Drift" Wood. SO as RD is painting the fence the whole loop and RD lift off the not so solid ground and in the weak gravity they both start Drifting Away!!
RD is so ATTRACTED by the unpainted fence that, paint can and brush in hand, he just keeps on painting away.

Good By RD. I hope you will Learn something.

Ragnarok are you out there? When are you going to show up? RD needs some one else to play with.
All I ever wanted is a good card game.

[Raging Deadstar]

Originally posted by Power Man:
Power Man returns "Relaxed and Refreshed" from the "Inner Sanctum".
What was that famous quote ? "I love the smell of napalm in the morning."<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">It's almost as refreshing as smelling your armpits in the morning, smells like....VICTORY!

Ya RD like your purple curtains, UV lights, and enema firing cannons are "cultural and sane".
Maybe I ought to change your lights to be what they call "Black lights", you know the ones that make everything glow. That would give you a "different" color.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Excuse me But my corner of the cantina is very much cosy and "cultural" well more gothic culture than anythign but still culture. Unlike your house of cards! my corner can survive a gust of wind! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Ragnarok are you out there? When are you going to show up? RD needs some one else to play with.
All I ever wanted is a good card game.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">EXCUSE ME!! I don't need ANYONE to play with in that sense! Anyway Growltigger gave the fbw's the order to cater for my every whim, so http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

*Raging Deadstar finally wanders back into the cantina having painted the fence, albeit badly and in different sevral colours but still it is pianted. During this time he has learnt many wonderous things and gained supernatural powers. For he is now a wise master himself now! He returns now in traditional black robes with purple insides with a purple belt round his waist! he searches his now vast memory for many different revenges! Fianlly he picks a suitbale measure and He then pulls out his enema shooting device and gives powerman 1 minute to run. Thinking to himself he loads the armour piercing buttplugs and proceeds to go hunting!*

In the words of GT

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOO!!!

[primitive]

Primitive walks up to the new arcade game. With his great leather boot, he gives the maschine a viscious kick. This both starts the game and empties it for the credits from the previous players. He easily finds a good rythm, consentrating on the beer, the pizzas and the red peppers. He scores and scores and scores and...

Hmm,
Maybe his kick has broken the game, cause it never stops, and it also seems to get easier after a while when some of the food items run out.

Seeing all that beer flying by , Primitive feels the need to relieve himself. He chooses the new fountain by the new (badly painted) fence. At least he doesn't have to use the sissy facilities indoors anymore.

LOL
Great idea Taz

[Power Man]

Power Man chooses not to run.
He reaches into his Power Suit and pulls out his Long Thick Pink
TOON ERASER (What were you thinking?)

With a few swipes RD's enema shooting device disappears from his hand.
A few more and RD's Hand Disappears !!
A dozen more swipes with the Eraser and Power Man has "Rubbed out" Raging Deadstar !!

All that is left is RD's two big blinking toon type eyes.

These fall on the bar with a coin like "ping".
Taz mistakes the eyes for a tip and grabs them up off the bar and puts them into his "Tip Jar".
(you could say that it look like Taz "has your eyes".)

Power Man looks out and sees a ship coming through the portal.
"OH BOY it is my new PC (Personal Cruiser) I ordered."
He leaves the building and goes out to check his new PC.

On his way he sees primitive heading toward the fountain with "that look".
"Oh Oh this could be interesting."

As primitive gets ready to "use the fountain" he hears the rustlings of many leaves.
The Tigger lilies do not like the idea of anyone spoiling the waters. They begin to turn their sharp toothed flowers toward primitive. Their sharp stickered leaves snap out after primitive's "best bits".

Not only that but those "Coy" fish have turned into "Oriental Fighting" fish and they start leaping up trying to catch any thing "dangling".

Yes, unlike the "poor fountain" in the Old cantina that was for ever getting messed up, this time the fountain has defenders !!

Primitive, not wanting to get his Pee-Pee Pricked, (sorry folks, I could not resist) quickly leaves the fountain area.

Still feeling "un-empted" primitive is happy to spot a "primitive", sweet smelling, "honey bucket" type out house just on the other side of the poorly painted fence. He makes a "Bee" line for the honey bucket and "goes" inside.

PHUE the honey bucket is not so "sweet smelling" anymore.

[Ragnarok]

*Ragnarok walks into the new Cantina and thinks to himself: "Wow, this place is really nice. I'll just set myself up in a new corner over here. Ahh yes, this should do just nicely."*

*RD is sitting in his booth sipping his orange juice waiting for Ragnarok to continue to battle. Rags walks up to RD and says: "Hey RD, I ran into some people with the Universal News Network (UNN) in the parking lot; they said they've heard alot about you and want to take your picture." RD gets really excited at the news and he goes running out to the parking lot where Rags has hired some people to pose as the UNN folks, they proceed to have RD stand on a X in the middle of the parking lot to "take his picture". RD is smiling gleefully waiting for the camara to snap. There is a bright flash and when RD is able to see again he looks down only to notice that there is a huge hole where the X used to be, of course the laws of cartoon physics kick in and he falls the second he realizes what is going on. It is the bottomless pit in which he will not be able to escape.*

Sorry for the delay RD, been a bit hectic, plus haven't had any ideas for taking you out. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

*Ragnarok blows his trumpet and yells, "CHARRRRGE!!"

[Katchoo]

*munch*munch*munch*

*BURRRRRP!*

Having finished his meal Katchoo puts his beany propeller hat back on.

"Hmmm...no napkins..." Katchoo muses.

Katchoo reaches over the bar, grabs Taz's apron, and yanks it off.

*Yank!*

Katchoo wipes his faces clean and then heads out the door to use the Honey Bucket. Several days later Katchoo finishes his "business" with the bucket and re-enters the bar. Katchoo tosses Taz's apron back to him.

"There's no toilet paper out there either" Katchoo remarks to Taz before heading for the new gambling room.

Meanwhile the Honey Bucket becomes it's own life form, and as it's first sentient act, commits suicide. A funeral will be held on Friday.

[Taz-in-Space]

...Taz sees the well-used apron on its way and zips over to intercept it with the Toxic-waste Barrel.

With a hiss and a clang, the apron is sealed in the barrel with no time to spare.

After feeding Katchoo the Pepper and Tribble wings Taz knows better than try to clean THAT apron again! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Hmmm, Powerman 'rubbed out' RD? Can't have a good customer default on his TAB that way! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

Taking an indelable ink pen from his pocket, Taz draws in an outline shaped vaguely like RD and places the eyes about where they should be.

Taz then waits for the laws of cartoonland to work their magic... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Raging Deadstar]

"Raging Deadstar looks around, Ragnarok is looking rather guilty and powerman has apparently been rubbed him out! Luckily Raging Deadstar isn't falling forever down a bottomless pit, it turns out that the dust from the eraser blew past Narf and projected raging Deadstars image to ragnarok. So narf is currently falling down a botomless pit, but Raging Deadstar is now a stick man standing in the middle of the cantina (anyone think taz got the idea off the nike advert? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif ) The stick Version of Raging Deadstar picks up the indelable ink pen and draws on a massive quantum torpedo launcher and a remote control. He then wanders over to david gervais, who after many hours repaints Raging Deadstar back to his former 3d glory, complete with said weapons gleaming from Gervais's superior art work*

*Raging Deadstar pushes the remote control and a giant anvil falls and crushes Powerman, then there is a whirring sound as something like a ship falls out the sky. The sqaushed powerman grows teo large cartoon eyes and feet and waddles over to the door only to see his beloved Dread 2 falling from the sky, reeling from a deadly blow from the Anathema class Battleship. The ship then explodes in a giant fireball of splendour. The squashed powerman just looks on in disbelief. Raging Deadstar then turns round and fires all 6 of his quantum torpedoes at ragnaroks corner, virtually vaporising anything in there except the walls. Ragnarok is then placed in the toxic waste barrel and is sealed before being ejected into space!*

Right *rubs hands* Taz one apple juice please, i believe my revenge has been swift and...vengeful!

[narf poit chez BOOM]

rd is yelling "i got you all" in the middle of the cantina. he seems to have been driven into delusion. after all, the Last time anyone saw narf, he left. and he's still gone till i switch my isp, for the sake of continuity. and to make sure nothing happens to him while i'm gone. so rd's having delusions. he also ate a nut. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
[OT] come on, people, don't you want to see the Last person to eat one of the nuts covered in green goop? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Raging Deadstar]

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
rd is yelling "i got you all" in the middle of the cantina. he seems to have been driven into delusion. after all, the Last time anyone saw narf, he left. and he's still gone till i switch my isp, for the sake of continuity. and to make sure nothing happens to him while i'm gone. so rd's having delusions. he also ate a nut. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
[OT] come on, people, don't you want to see the Last person to eat one of the nuts covered in green goop? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">you mean that wasn't you in that armoured suit? but why does he look exactly like you?

*RD wonders to himself who was falling down that bottomless pit then, as it wasn't him, or narf! But it doesn't pray on his conscience long as he returns to his corner and relaxes*

[narf poit chez BOOM]

i ziped out when i thought my isp was going to turn me off. since i don't know when there going to turn if off, i've left myself out. and your still nuts. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Kamog]

Did someone mention nuts covered in green goop? Where? I'm hungry... food.... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

[the Last person to eat the nuts i put out there as bait gets the green goop on them that follows the nuts, only across the cieling. the characters don't know that though, becuase it's dark green. but it's be bright green once the Last nut is eaten. it's not sentient. the nuts are giving off some undetectible chemicals. well, there undetectible now.]

[ April 25, 2003, 08:44: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[Power Man]

Boy RD are You In Trouble.

DG must not have drawn all of brains back in. That's why you are "having delusions." Also the nut you ate may be just making you "Nutty."
You could not have destroyed my Dread2. It Last left the Old cantina via a warp tunnel and has not yet re-appeared. I wonder who's ship you DID Destroy ??

Shortly after RD gets his apple juice an ominous rumbling is heard. The sky darkens as a Massive BASE Ship moves over the cantina. A Large (lounge) lizard like being smashes through the door.

"WHO HERE JUST SANK MY BATTLESHIP" he roars!!

Everyone in the cantinal points to Raging Deadstar.

"YOU SANK MY BATTLESHIP !! YOU MUST PAY !!!!"

The Large Lounge Lizard Lunges at RD. He proceeds to wrap RD up in heavy chains.
He the puts RD into a large sack.
He puts the sack into a metal strong box.
He puts many locks and yet more chains on the box.
He takes the box back to his base ship.
The Base ship takes off and disappears into the sky.

Is this the End Of Raging Deadstar? (We can only hope.)

[Raging Deadstar]

Originally posted by Power Man:
Boy RD are You In Trouble.

DG must not have drawn all of brains back in. That's why you are "having delusions." Also the nut you ate may be just making you "Nutty."
You could not have destroyed my Dread2. It Last left the Old cantina via a warp tunnel and has not yet re-appeared. I wonder who's ship you DID Destroy ??

Shortly after RD gets his apple juice an ominous rumbling is heard. The sky darkens as a Massive BASE Ship moves over the cantina. A Large (lounge) lizard like being smashes through the door.

"WHO HERE JUST SANK MY BATTLESHIP" he roars!!

Everyone in the cantinal points to Raging Deadstar.

"YOU SANK MY BATTLESHIP !! YOU MUST PAY !!!!"

The Large Lounge Lizard Lunges at RD. He proceeds to wrap RD up in heavy chains.
He the puts RD into a large sack.
He puts the sack into a metal strong box.
He puts many locks and yet more chains on the box.
He takes the box back to his base ship.
The Base ship takes off and disappears into the sky.

Is this the End Of Raging Deadstar? (We can only hope.)<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">*The atmosphere is strange in the cantina, powerman is hoping our beloved hero is gone forever, Ragnarok is reeling from shock he might have to lower himself to powermans level for violence. Growltigger doesn't really care but is wondering who will pay RD's tab, Taz sighs as he knows he won't be getting any of the Deadstar continuum's beer for "quality testing" anymore!*

*Powerman smiles knowing full well that sending that communication to the lizards would land RD in trouble. Suddenly a large rumbling is heard as the lizards baseship reappears over the cantina and Raging Deadstar wanders back in. Carrying the large metal box. He spends a couple of minutes unlocking the chains and padlocks and then pulls out some jars. Inside are Nuted very upset miniture Versions of the lizards that kidnapped him, the captian who did and his crew. He smiles and then proceeds to head to the toilet! Only then can laughter be heard and numerous bog flushing. Later a bunch of very happy toilet worshippers come back out with their freshly grilled lizard shishkebabs. Now that those ignroant sentient life forms have been taken care of he turns his attention to powerman. He whispers to the nearest fbw and they rush off, returning in ominous leather and latex dominatrix outfits. With a quick grip of the shoulder powerman is unconcious and falls head first into his tribble wings and is dragged to the medieval dungeon that Raging Deadstar specified to be built. Powerman doesn't know it yet but this erotic pleasure is going to be extremly STRENUOUS! Raging Deadstar shouts back over to the Fbw's before they bolt the door to take full advantage of the bed of nails, the racks and thumb (and other appendages)screws. Powerman is in for a night he will remember, mostly for the pain he will be in for months*

Luckily for me my ship always has shield depleters and a boarding party http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif Now powerman, if you have any complaints from the treatment you receive now take it up with growltigger or the FBW's, i'm sure they'd love to hear from a disatisfied customer! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Hehehehe.

[mottlee]

Mottlee enters the "New" Cantina eyes scaning over the room....the place looks good he spys some nuts and starts to drool mottee loves nuts http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[Power Man]

Raging Deadstar , you talk about MY level of violence ?? I’m not the one blowing up ships “in a giant fireball of splendour.” and firing “all 6 of his quantum torpedoes at ragnaroks corner” . I prefer to “PUNish” my opponent with style not brute force. (I also don’t have to quote your whole Last post as a quote.)

Just as Power Man is being put to “Rack and Ruin” by the FBW’s several Funny Bunny Dealers from the card room come to his rescue.
Instead of their usual skimpy dealers outfits they are done up in their Fighting Zeana Bunny Warrior (FZBW) outfits. The FZBWs take several playing cards and shape them into fishlike shapes. They then toss them at the FBW’s. The “Card Sharks” attack the FBWs with their tiny but very sharp card teeth. (They all want their "CUT") Each FBWs get so many painful paper cuts that they surrender. (They can Give pain, But can’t Take pain.)

Power Man brings the two Groups together. They pile all of RD’s dungeon “play toys” in the corner to open up the room. A few lessons from Power Man and the The Fuzzy Bunny Dance Troop (FBDT) are dressed in show girl outfits (that really Show a LOT) and are doing a dance called (you guessed it) The Bunny HOP. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Power Man suggests to GT and dogscoff that if we get rid of all those dungeon toys and bring in some tables, chairs and some lights we could put on a great dance show. I am sure it would bring in more money than that Dark Dungeon Did.

There, I escaped RD's ploy with just a few paper cuts. Now how non-violent is that? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[Kamog]

So, when are we going to have a name for the new Cantina?

Oh, and is it safe to say ONIONS here in this new establishment?
*Quickly holds up a parasol for protection, just in case*

[Taz-in-Space]

With a click and a whooossshh, a trapdoor is triggered under Kamog and he falls into a large smelly room filled with ripe ONIONS.

Taz shakes his head and wonders why Kamog thought the NEW Cantina would function in exactly the same way as the old one! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Taz does however think that Kamog has a valid point: It is time to <font color = white> NAME THAT CANTINA! <font color = black> http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Taz looks expectantly in the direction of the mighty Dogscoff. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[Power Man]

Sorry Kamog RD has shown us a few post ago that ON—er That word still has power in this new cantina.

No sooner than Kamog utters “that word” a small toon type black hole appears over his head.

A large pile of Onions rains down on Kamog.
Fortunately the toon parasol protects Kamog from the worst of the fall.

Kamaog, who was very hungy, proceeds to eat his way out from the pile.
Now he is finally full.
Although watch out for his BAD BREATH !!!! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

Power Man offers Kamog a breath mint and invites him into the card room for some cards.

[Power Man]

Wow Kamog got zapped by two people at one.
Double the ON----s Double the FUN !! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon6.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

would the room he fell in be the one i hid rotting O----s in?

[Growltigger]

A sudden hush echoes around the temprary cantina, the ground starts to shake, the air seems to crackle with electrical discharges.

An incandescent ball of light appears on the ceiling of the temporary cantina, lightning arcs out of the ball and earths on the cantina fittings, and on one particular helpless occassion, Taz's head...

Amid the caterwauling from the singed Tasmanian devil, the ball of fire suddenly expands like a nova, suddenly, a British red BT phone box drops out of the fire onto the cantina floor.

The ball of fire disappears, and the cantina is quiet save for the occassional crackle of electricity dissapating...

The BT phone box door opens.... an ethereal gospel choir kicks in with a ramped up Version of Mark Morrison's "Return of the Mack", except that in this Version, they appear to be singing "Return of the Cat"....

Growltigga, clad all in leather, steps out of the phone box. Two FBW's, clad in chain mail accessories and wearing about as much material as would cover a small saucepan lid, roll out a red carpet.

GT strides purposefully down the red carpet, which ends at the bar. The still smouldering Taz serves up his favourite "Spitfire" beer.

The great kat takes a healthy slug, looks around the temporary cantina, and sees that things are good.

The cat is back

[dogscoff]

Well, now that we are fully crewed, I suggest we take this Cantina for a spin. Someone cleverly outfitted it with engines, remember? I'm sure that mad stellar manipulation ship I sent out has created some "interesting" things for us to explore by now.

*dogscoff pushes a button, and treknical-looking consoles appear out of every table. Repetitive, quasi futuristic bleeps and pings sound through the room, and a huge viewscreen slides out to cover the wall opposite the bar.

Taz, standing behind the bar, dons a purple Whoopee Goldberg outfit complete with big purple hat, a FBW sticks a gherkin in her ear and sits down to look like Uhuru while everyone else stands/ sits Trek-like at their Posts looking intensely toward the view screen, which displays the newly-formed universe outside.

'scoff takes the "number 1" seat at a table next to 'Tig, who sits in the command chair, crossing his legs and looking pensive/ dramatic. A red-shirt ensign walks in and hands Captain 'Tig a pad to sign and a fresh pint, then collects some empty glasses before leaving the bridge.

"Right" says 'Tig "who fancies a bit of boldly going?" Everyone nods their approval.
"Very well: Engage!"

The Cantina streaks off into the proto-universe, who knows what adventures lie ahead?

[ April 29, 2003, 12:01: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[geoschmo]

Originally posted by dogscoff:
And who is going to actually fly this thing, given that most of us are drunk most of the time anyway?<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Space is big. As long as we keep it under warp 2 and fly in a straight line it will be years before we bump into anything. Set the auto-pilot and party in ten forward!

Geo

[Growltigger]

Parties in ten forward is for wimps... see you all in the holodeck where I am currently hosting a mythological party, I am Ares (hell, I will do anything to dresss up in leather and studs), bring your own hammer...

and someone hide the keys to the shuttledeck. The Last time we did one of these, I recall Taz took one for a joyride, discovered time travel via a slingshot round a gas giant and ended up crashing into Siberia some years ago (just before we beamed him out)....

So now we have the FBWs being sexily clad Trekkie ensigns, does this means Rags, RD and Power Man are the red shirted ensigns who always meet sticky ends early on in each episode, I mean drinking session!!

Mr Scoffo, engage

PS he, I have just worked out a great game whereby with the help of our science office (whoever he may be) and our Chief O'Brien analogue (whoever they may be) we can use the transporter to beam the clothes off the FBW off our choice....

PPS does anyone have a problem if I appoint poor old Barry as our security officer?

[ April 29, 2003, 13:54: Message edited by: growltigger ]

[dogscoff]

PPS does anyone have a problem if I appoint poor old Barry as our security officer?
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I think Barry died in the Last Cantina. However...

*Dogscoff goes over to David Gervais' mini-cantina model, which happened to be one of Barry's favourite chew-toys. Extracting some dino-saliva, 'scoff immediately has the sample sent down to the cloning lab.

We'll have a T-Rex security officer for you in no time, Cap'n.

[geoschmo]

Oooo, can I be the crusty old Dr McCoy person? That way I can go around saying stuff like, "Damnit Tig, I'm a doctor, not a dinosaur cloning technician." http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Geo

[Growltigger]

Cor, an effective and efficient first officer, just what I always wanted.....

Right, so we have me as Jean Luc Le Grand Chat (or Captain Slog)

Scoffo is Mr Scoffo to you, first officer extraordinaire and in no way to be compared to that daft fuzzy faced pillock Ryker who always stand like he is clenching an apple between his buttocks

Geo is Dr Geoschmo, a grumbling old miserable shindle shanked old tosspot who lives down in the sickbay and drinks Jack Daniels (I loved that line geo)

Taz is Whoopi Goldberg, with funny mediaval princess style conical hat on top of his furry head

we need a lot of other people......

Now, we need to get Lieutenant Uhuru (or, given her levels of alcohol consumption, Lieutenant U-hurrrrrrrrrghhuuuuurrrrrrrr-u) to contact Starfleet Command to find out what our orders are...

surely we are on some important galactic mission, surely our raison d'etre for galactic travel cannot be just to fly around, avoiding hitting things, drinking, partying and trying not to throw up on the main viewscreen...

Hey, anyone fancy trying to trap Rag's head in the sliding doors? anyone fancy a turbolift race down to the holodeck via ten forward and the massage parlour?

PS Captain Slog, stardate 14.09.29.04.2003 - note to first officer, any member of the crew pronouncing "Lieutenant" as "Lootenant" rather than the correct "Lefftenant" is to be severely beaten around the head with an oversized tricorder......

Ooohhh, I cannot wait to meet the Klingons

[ April 29, 2003, 14:12: Message edited by: growltigger ]

[Erax]

Captain, does this place have a Chief Engineer yet ?

I don't come around here a lot, I'm always down in Engineering (wherever that is) fixing the stuff someone broke. Which given current patronage, should be plenty.

But no Delco air filters on my face, please.

[Growltigger]

Erax, we dont have a chief engineer but I think that if you want that role, you need to be Scottish, or at least speak Portugeuse with a Scottish accent....

[Erax]

Won't your basic "Aye, Aye, Cap'n, but the engine's about had it" do ?

A Scot speaking Portuguese ? The only time I ever heard that he was saying something like "Nós perderr parra Costa Rrica. Que verrrgonia."

("We lost to Costa Rica. How shameful.")

[mlmbd]

Oh, a nice new place, to mess up! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

<font color=purple>mlmbd http://www.shrapnelgames.com//ubb/icons/icon6.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif </font

[geoschmo]

Originally posted by Erax:
Won't your basic "Aye, Aye, Cap'n, but the engine's about had it" do ?

A Scot speaking Portuguese ? The only time I ever heard that he was saying something like "Nós perderr parra Costa Rrica. Que verrrgonia."

("We lost to Costa Rica. How shameful.")<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">You could be the Geordi Laforge Version of chief engineer. No accent then, but you don't get very good lines. Basically "Allright!" and "I'll get right on it." And you have to fall in love with a holodeck simulation. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

Geoschmo

[Growltigger]

No, no, no, no, Erax.

The chief engineer always has to say, "the engines have just about had it Capt'n, but I will get my trusty polaron spanner oot and get you a hundred per cent more power"

Mlmbd, I have already got you down as the voice of the turbolift..

[geoschmo]

Originally posted by growltigger:
Mlmbd, I have already got you down as the voice of the turbolift..<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Who are we going to get to do the "Shhh" sounds every time we go through a doorway?

Geo

[Erax]

Originally posted by growltigger:
No, no, no, no, Erax.

The chief engineer always has to say, "the engines have just about had it Capt'n, but I will get my trusty polaron spanner oot and get you a hundred per cent more power"<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Not quite Cap'n, first I say "The engine's aboot had it" (the accent right ?), then you ask for more power, then I say "All rightie Cap'n, ye'll have yer power but I wouldna try to flush the toilet right now."

Geo: Holodeck simulations have their advantages, they don't age, they can change their appearance at zero cost and they don't own anything (so no need to go shopping with them).

[Growltigger]

Erax, I do like the idea of Star Trek where Scottie says "you can hav' double power on the phasers if you like Cap'n, but if you flush the electric toilet at the same time, I canna say if you wont burn oot the engines".

OK, you have got the job....

Geo, with respect to the sliding doors, I always felt that "shhhhh" was a little bit of an understatement for them. What we could do if sample a few things, and plays these when the doors open eg "It worse than that, he's dead Jim" or "It's life Jim, but not as we no it" or "We come in peace, shoot to kill" or "You canna change the laws of physics Cap'n" or even "Growltigga is the love god of the Universe"

[dogscoff]

Hey 'Tig, say what you like about Riker but at least he gets to boff a different alien bird every episode.

Hmm, should we be dividing this thread up into episodes?

*In the absence of anything useful to do, dogscoff strokes his beard and raises one eyebrow thoughfully.

[Growltigger]

Captain Slog AKA Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat AKA Growltigger sits in his command chair and makes a mental note to ask Engineer Erax to fit Commander Dogscoff with a remote controlled exploding collar...

Dogscoff, why are holding that apple clenched between your buttocks? judging from the way your eyebrow is raised, you are obviously enjoying it.. and have you spilled your cocoa? oh no, it a funny little fey goatee beard, you should get that shaved off, make it so

[Katchoo]

Can I be Mr S'Katchoo, the emotionally repressed Science Officer who goes to bed everynight with a picture of his Captain in his arms, weeping like a baby http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

(C'mon, everyone knows Spock had the hots for Kirk, don't you?)

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

[Growltigger]

Katchoo, whilst I fully understand why you naturally have the "hots" for such a red blooded damn fine looking muscular and heroic chap like myself (I even make statues sweat), I am afraid to inform you that I only bat from the proper wicket and if you think I am sharing my spaceship with a pointy eared repressed bi-sexual Canadian science officer, I am afraid we will have to play the old game of "stick the vulcan out of the airlock"

Actually, if you promise to only go to bed clutching and sobbing at a picture of my first officer, you have the job. I think you may be in there anyhow as the fellow seems to go round with an apple up his backside

[dogscoff]

Captain 'Tig, I have an idea for this Bar Trek thing: We divide the thread into episodes.

Each episode will Last for 100 Posts, and will have a name based on a crude mangling of a genuine Star Trek episode. In that time we have to have an adventure with some kind of plot to it. Along the way we'll kill a few red-shirts and generally do what we do best, but try to arrive at some kind of credible conclusion at the end of the 100 Posts.

Extra points if the story we come up with bears any resemblance at all to the real star trek (or bab5 or whatever) episode it is crudely named after.

If the Captain is in agreement we will continue recruiting until post number 100 in this thread, and then we can get on with (dramatic pause)

Bar Trek: The Pissed Generation
Episode 1: Encounter at Fart Point.

If all goes well then in a few thousand Posts we can all redesign our uniforms and make a hugely expensive and disappointing blockbuster film Version which completely screws up any semblance of continuity we used to posess http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Erax]

Originally posted by growltigger:
OK, you have got the job....
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Wooohooo !! (tries to do a little dance, then remembers that Engineers Can't Dance). Chief Engineer Erax reporting for duty, Cap'n ! I'll be down in Engineering if ye need me.

Erax exits via the turbolift. A few minutes later his voice is heard on the intercom over the bar.

"Things are quiet down here. Taznan, send me a beer and a haggis sandwich".

[Katchoo]

Mr S'Katchoo enters the bridge wearing a crushed blue velvet tunic, black vinyl pants, and a pair of flip flops he purchased from a vendor on Deck 13. Overall the ensemble shows off his muscled physique quite smashingly.

The Vulcan (TM) Science Officer overlooks the Bridge with one eyebrow permenantly taped high on his forehead.

"Science Officer S'Katchoo reporting for duty, Captain."

[Power Man]

The screen is dark. The music starts out low. A dramatic Voice is heard.

Forums, the Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the Star Ship Phong's Head.
Its mission, To seek out, and "Boff" the cutest babes in the universe.
To see and taste what is "Brewing out there ", while not crashing into too many things.
To Boldly "go" were no one (primitive) has "Gone" before. (But watch out for the Tigger Lilies)

The music Swells DO WEE DA DA OOK OOK OOK…..
The Mighty Phong's Head Swooshes past the camera. (Just missing it by the way)

And now a word from Our Sponsor …….

AH Shucks, all of the good parts have already been taken. I do not want to just a poor Red Shirt.

I want to be The Weapon's Officer. I can deal out the "PUNishment" to our foe's.
And besides "some people" around here think I may be too violent. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif

[Growltigger]

Power Man, you can be weapons officer if you want (but I get to fire the photon torpedoes). Barry is the security officer and lives in cargo deck 4 (he is too big to fit on the bridge).....

Right, we need helmsmen, a communications officer (what did chekov used to do), a teleportation officer and a counsellor, oh and we need some boring straight laced nerd to be data (anyone seen Ragnarok?)

[Erax]

On the Old Series, Chekhov was the navigator, Sulu was the Helmsman. LaSalle (also known as The Crewman No One Remembers) was the navigator before Chekhov. Kyle was Transporter Chief. There was no weapons officer, Sulu controlled helm and weapons (he had the best job on the bridge, other than Captain).

[Growltigger]

OK, Power Man is weapons officer, which leaves us needing a navigator, a helmsman, a communications officer, a counsellor (who is going to wear a wig and the fake comedy breasts, and look strained every episode?), a transporter operator and an android.

Post 100 is fast approaching. Volunteers please.

PS hey do we also need a chef? I need to order the kitchen to prepare curry, chilli and sauerkraut and lots of fizzy beer in anticipation of our first mission

[ April 29, 2003, 18:00: Message edited by: growltigger ]

[Erax]

Hmmm... how about announcing "Anyone who comes in here without a proper job as an officer automatically becomes a red-shirt ensign" ?

That should get 'em to line up plenty fast.

Edit : take a look at this Trek link :

Trek Wars (http://www.idleworm.com/sfi/strek.shtml)

[ April 29, 2003, 18:02: Message edited by: Erax ]

[geoschmo]

Damnit Tig I'm a doctor, not a casting director.

Btw, all FBW's must report to sick bay prior to departure for their physical examinations. Regulation's you know. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[ April 29, 2003, 17:57: Message edited by: geoschmo ]

[Growltigger]

Dammit Geo, your a doctor, not a middle aged sex crazed pervert who likes to fondle the FBWs for fun!

Sheesh, hypocractic oath or what.....

OK, we are fast approaching post 100. Mr Erax, please ensure the warp engines are brought on-line. Mr Power Man, please check that our phaser banks are fully charged, and that we have a full compliment of photon torpedoes on board. Number 1, please can you go down to the sick bay and slap the good doctor round the chops till he comes to his senses. Mr S'katchoo, please will you stop mincing around and in the absence of a navigator, plot our course to Fart Point

Gentlemen, make it so

[ April 29, 2003, 18:05: Message edited by: growltigger ]

[Power Man]

All right I'll be the Helmsman then, just so I can get a "Designated Driver" to sub for me on "party Night " when I want to raise some HEL- Man.
We can all still play Poker in the card room on Tuesdays, right??

Power Man takes the controls. "Lets see what this baby can do." He starts turning the ship this way and that. OK everybody lean to the left, Now Right, Now left again. WEE

Let's test out the weapons.
Power Man uses the "Yellow Alert" phasers to write his initials in the snow on a passing comet.

Where TO Captain ??

Raging Deadstar may be lurking in his UV lighted purple cloaked ship.

Rags may want to be the role of the "Re-occurring Rascal Rags."
I mean we may need some Villains to PUNish.

[geoschmo]

Oh, I take my oath seriously Captain. I fully intend to do those fluffy bunnies no harm. [insert lecherous grin]

[ April 29, 2003, 18:14: Message edited by: geoschmo ]

[Erax]

Right you are Cap'n, she's ready to go when you are.

(Erax remembers who it is that's sitting in the Captain's chair, slaps himself on the head)

...the ship, Cap'n, I meant the ship.

[Raging Deadstar]

Hmm i'm up for this, you need enemies you say, i'm sure ragnarok and i are up for that, we usually find ourselves on the receiving end of growltiggers hoards everytime anyway. I think your first challenge can be on your way if you choose to disrespect us. The Deadstar Continuum are not knowing for taking such lack of faith lightly http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

If not i'm up for being the navigator, yes, but the first option is better, more fun for you guys to destroy me and also taking the ship off course for the fiftieth time i'll run out of excuses! Sheesh http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Ragnarok]

RD, being a villian is all good and everything. But I really want to be Q. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif I can go around pestering Captain Tig and he can't do nothing to me but argue. And I can say stuff like, "Mo capi'ton" or however that's spelled. Or is this job taken? If it is taken then I will be a villian along side my partner RD. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[Katchoo]

Science Officer S'Katchoo, having listened to the plight of the crew, decides to take action into his own hands.

After a quick trip below deck to Commander Scoffies quarters, Mr. S'Katchoo returns to the bridge carrying an inflatable female sex doll.

"Captain, I believe I have found someone to handle communications."

Mr. S'Katchoo sits the inflatable doll at the Comm Station, which proves somewhat ackward since the doll has it's legs spread out and upward. In anycase, Mr. S'Katchoo adds the finishing touch by screwing in an ear bug into the dolls ear.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

i think i'll be a cyrano jones type character - show up once and a while for humor. and occasionally carrying catastrophe. is far point the one where the klingons try to poison the grain?

[Ragnarok]

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
is far point the one where the klingons try to poison the grain?<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">No, way no. Farpoint is the very first episode in the TNG series. Thats when they meet Riker and the rest of the crew. Check out the startrek site and go to the Library and read about the episode. It was quite possibly the cheesiest show ever made with the TNG cast. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

*sigh*. i can recognize most of the st and ng episodes if i see them, but give me a name and i'm stumped.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

and i tend to aviod any episode with q.
*cyrano chez lands on fart point and starts selling...rats. pet rats.*

[Growltigger]

and will they involve hideous hordes of sex starved tribbles bent on galactic domination?

and has the USS Phong's Head been fitted with a hand brake? I always wanted to pull a U turn at warp 7..

and does my command chair have a big red shiny button that let's me shoot photon torpedoes?

and will the FBWs be wearing those great one piece outfits from the original series that ended abuot a inch below the belt line (and those knee boots)?

and we have Taz as Whoopi Goldberg, Scoffo as Ryker (what a pillock, me as Jean Luc Le Grand Chat.. who else will everyone be? (NB Ragnarok and/or Raging Deadstar are not allowed to be Deanna Troi)....

and do we get to sing "Startrekkin" all the time?

and will we be arrested for boldly going boldly wherre no bold man has boldly been before.. boldly? whilst boldly drinking and being in bold charge of a space cantina??

Bags the holodeck first for a quick knee trembler with the FBWs!!!!!!

[dogscoff]

And who is going to actually fly this thing, given that most of us are drunk most of the time anyway?

[Kamog]

I'll be one of the engineers working under Chief Engineer Erax. I'll be like Barclay, and I'll spend most of my time having fun in the Holodeck, or messing things up when I'm actually doing engineering work.

[Taz-in-Space]

and someone hide the keys to the shuttledeck. The Last time we did one of these, I recall Taz took one for a joyride, discovered time travel via a slingshot round a gas giant and ended up crashing into Siberia some years ago (just before we beamed him out)....
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Did I hear this right: I ended up crashing into Siberia just BEFORE I was beamed out? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

Now that explains a few things...like:

Taz is Whoopi Goldberg, with funny mediaval princess style conical hat on top of his furry head
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">And:
Taz, standing behind the bar, dons a purple Whoopee Goldberg outfit complete with big purple hat <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Or maybe it was this:
An incandescent ball of light appears on the ceiling of the temporary cantina, lightning arcs out of the ball and earths on the cantina fittings, and on one particular helpless occassion, Taz's head... <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Oh well, I guess I've made a little Whoopie in my time... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

Here goes - :
I need to order the kitchen to prepare curry, chilli and sauerkraut and lots of fizzy beer <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Captain, here is the food you ordered for yourself and the crew. I have taken the liberty to include some Mexican Bean Dip as well! Enjoy!! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

this is definitly one of the times when life should not imatate art. loose wild pet rats are not good.

[Growltigger]

OK, warp engines are on-line, phaser bank are charged, photon torpedoes are ready to go, the fluffy dice are hanging from the helmsman's console..

Barry is in cargo hold 4, trying to squeeze into a red shirt the size of a playing field.

Doctor Geo is testing the FBWs down in sickbay (Dammit I'm a doctor, not a multi-jointed contortionist!), Commander Scoffo is looking strained on the bridge, Patsy the PVC Pervert is on communications, Commander Erax is playing with his spanner in engineering, Lieutenant Kamog is fiddling about in his drawers, Taz is mixing up some extra strong sauerkraut down on ten forward, Power Man is straddling both helm and weapon consoles, Mr S'Katchoo is playing computer games at his science station...

Hmmmm, I guess a navigator is a bit of a luxory on this trip but when he re-surfaces, I nominate David Gervais as I think he could find his backside with both hands which is more than the rest of us, and as for a counsellor, I nominate Gryphin whenever he turns up to the party....

Number 1, set course for Fart Point. Mr Power Man, Warp 5, engage

[dogscoff]

The script of the real episode, for anyone who wants to see what we're ripping the piss out of. (http://www.un-official.com/The_Daily_Script/STNG_001.RTF)

Cue music, cue credits, episode 1 begins:

Bar Trek: The Becks Generation
Episode 1: Encounter at Fartpoint.

voiceover

Short on beer, the crew of the TSSS Phong's Head is travelling to Anus IV to look into the mystery of Fartpoint, a new brewery built by the inhabitants of that planet...

[ April 30, 2003, 10:06: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[Growltigger]

Captain Jon Luc Le Grand Chat stares out of the window in his private lounge, watching the starfield whizz past and thinking long and hard about how they are going to stop this ship.

Where is the damn first officer when you need him??

The debonaire captain coms Engineer Erax. "Erax, have you wired the sickbay to discharge tachyon particles into it?, Aye captain, I have", says the burly Scottish Brazilian engineer. "Yew can oot the neet whenever ye like captain, but you canna fire tachyon particles in the sickbay, cos that'll have the effect of boiling the testicles on anyone in there".

The captain checks his viewing screen and see that only Doctor Geo is in the sickbay, slugging Jack Daniels back as normal and dreaming of abusing hogs..

"Engineer Erax, one large tachyon burst in the sickbay if you please, make it so"

[Growltigger]

oops, double post but it is amusing to listen to the good doctor screaming in pain..

[ April 30, 2003, 13:28: Message edited by: growltigger ]

[geoschmo]

The sound of a muffled sizzling was quickly replaced by a shieking noise. Dr. Geo looked around for a moment trying to figure out what the noise was, only to realize it was coming from him. He doubled over in pain and dropped to the floor as the FBW's fled sickbay in horror.

The pain subsided quickly and Geo locked the door and crawled up on the nearest bed. As he rested another noise started. A hissing noise as if small ballons were inflating with air. After this came two quiet "pops" one right after the other, and Geo was good as new.

What, you thought heads were the only thing my race can regrow? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

[ April 30, 2003, 13:43: Message edited by: geoschmo ]

[dogscoff]

In command of the bridge while the Captain carries out various "training excercises" in the ready room, the first officer is suddenly interrupted from his contemplation by his old flame, the as yet uncast counsellor Schmoi. She seems to be in some discomfort.

Schmoi: "My strange and mysterious half-alien sensitivity is picking something up. It's just too awful to describe."
Number 1: "What is it? Are you empathically feeling some kind of overwhelmingly deep grief from an unknown source? Or are you aware of the presence of some super-powerful, God-like intelligence studying us?"
Schmoi: "No, the planet we're flying towards stinks of sh!t."
Number 1: "Captain to the bridge. Erax, I need you to re-modulate the shields to screen out nasally offensive radiation. Can it be done?"

[ April 30, 2003, 14:40: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[Growltigger]

Captain Slog Stardate half past three GMT

I am worried that the inactivity in the TSSS Phong's Head is making my crew even more lazy than usual. We need an alien infestation to liven them up before we reach Fart Point.

Even better, just beaming in Rags and Raging Deadstar for a quick phaser fight and kicking will do the trick....

Captain Slog to Mr S'Katchoo, switch sensors onto wide sweep to locate Rags or RD

[Power Man]

As the Mighty TSSS Phong's Head enters the Anus star system, Power Man activates the Aromatic Atom ANALyzer to scan and diagram the system. Using this AAA map he then plots a path to Fart Point.
With a series of deft button pushes and turns the Phong's Head makes it way into the system.
(OK everyone you know the drill. Lean Left, now Right, now Left.. NO Right.)

The ship skims past the Twin MOONS, navigates the thick ASSteroid belt and fully Penetrates the Anus star system. (Are we still rated PG 13 yet??)

The ship arrives at the Planet Anus IV. It appears to be a Class S (for Stinky) planet. Thick blue clouds of methane and other aromatic atoms cover the planet. Power Man adjusts the shields to "Lemon Fresh" to block the worst of the nasally offensive radiation.

"Standard orbit achieved Captain. We are directly over Fart Point Station.
I suggest we orbit in a "nose high" attitude to avoid the worst of the smell. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif

[Erax]

"Chief Engineer to the Bridge. Cap'n, I suggest we move her up to a higher orbit. At this altitude, all it takes is one wee bit of unreacted plasma from our nacelles into the upper atmosphere of Anus IV and we light up Fart Point on a grand scale."

[Raging Deadstar]

*As the TSSS Phongs head begins to hover in orbit Of Anus IV they don't know they are being watched by a cloacked ship. It's sleek shape unnoticeable to the naked eye as the suns ray are diverted from it. it slowly moves closer and closer towards the Phongs head before decloaking and firing it's tractor beams. It's a sleek bird like ship, commanly known as a Deadstar Anathema class. The Anathema drags the phongs head closer and closer before a group of 50 Deadstar boarding soldiers are ejected into space. They were genetically modified humans, strong, accurate and could breathe in a vacumn. They begin the task of breaking into the TSSS Phongs Head and eventually breach the hull and begin to take over the ship. The Anathema goes to warp 5 and disapears into the void of space. Meanwhile the TSS phongs crew have to defend their ship from being taken over by the invading Deadstar boarding parties...*

I'm guessing the red shirt ensigns will wound and kill more of themselves than my guys. Anyway this should wake the crew up! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[geoschmo]

Grmph, whu Huh?

BWEEEEEEE BWEEEEEEEE BWEEEEEEEE

Dr. Geo is awakened from his fitfull slumber on the recovery bed to the sound of the red alert klaxon followed by several thuds which he felt through the hull plating more then he heard. Suddenley the ship lurched and he was thrown from the bed to the floor.

"Dammit, I'm a doctor not a crash test dummy" he grumbled to himself and started to reach for the intercom and find out what the heck was going on "up there".

Before he could the sickbay doors opened and several redshirts ensigns came limping in, leaning on each other for support and suffering from nearly identical phaser wounds to their big toes.

"Hmm, we must have an intruder. Either that or security is having target practice again." With that Dr. Geo began quickly tending to the wounded.

[Erax]

"Engineering to Bridge. Cap'n, our ship has more holes in it than the Aberdeen defense. Lieutenant Kamog, get yer down here on the dooble."

Erax and Kamog start working on the cargo transporters, modifying them to pick up intruders within the ship and beam them to Barry's cargo bay.

"Cap'n, I believe we have a gude show playing on the Cargo Bay 4 channels."

[Katchoo]

Mr S'Katchoo: "Captain, Intruders in Cargo Bay 5, the lounge, the Recording Studio, Pee Wee's Playhouse, and the Brewery!"

Suddenly one of the intruders breaks onto the bridge. Acting quickly, Mr S'Katchoo grabs the intruder's genetically modified "nether regions" and squeezes. The intruder promptly drops to the ground in agony.

Upon seeing this the rest of the crew all cringe in unison and cross their legs.

Mr. S'Katchoo: "Captain, shall I call in the Ship's Band to play something dramatic while we repell the boarders?"

[Power Man]

As more intruders break onto the bridge Power Man ducks behind the nave station.
"You want Dramatic Music, I have the music ."
Power Man turns up the amps on his suit's CD player.

BWA DUM…. BAW DUM… BWA DUM DELE DUM …

The stirring Trek Battle theme (track 42) BLARES forth.

This causes the intruders to grab their genetically modified, and sensitive, ears and scream in Agony.
Power Man then pulls from his suit his Large, Powerful, Amazing, Long,
Phase Energy Pistol (what were thinking I'd be pulling out??) and proceeds to Stun (see how Non-violent I'm being.) the intruders.
Soon Erax beams them off the bridge and into Barry's cargo bay.

"Captain I have re-set the shields to "Repellent" to keep out any more intruders.
I'll activate all battle sensors and try to spot the one who did this to us."

All over the ships surface small metallic globes open up. These "Steely Eyes" (anti-cloak sensors level 10) will keep a watch for the "Return Of RD" .

And now a word from our sponsors …….

[Growltigger]

Captain Slog, Stardate 12.38 and almost lunch time (mine's a pint).

My orders are to examine the brewery at Fartpoint on Planet Anus IV. The inhabitants have apparently been brewing some really cracking ale that has the added side effect of giving its drinkers X ray vision. It apparently is also the cause of chronic flatulence in the inhabitants of that planet, the build up of methane is threatening to destabilise the magnetosphere of that planet. Planet Anus IV is really in danger of disappearing up its own backside.

I am becoming better acquainted with my new command, this "Cantina" class TSSS Phong's Head. I am still somewhat in awe of its size and complexity, but I have managed to find the boy's cloakroom, the captain's bar and my own shower, although what the button marked "old Faithful" in that shower does is worrying me.

My crew are short in several positions, after all, my first officer is only 4 foot 2" tall. Taz is doing his best in ten forward, although a diet of tribble wings is getting a little tiresome. Our science officer is worrying me, he turned up for duty in red taffeta this morning, whilst singing Jimmy Sommerville hits. I have also had to staple our weapon officers hands to his legs to stop him firing the phasers at anything that moves..

Engineering seems to have disappeared. No-one has seen our doctor either, or the FBWs for that matter.

I have one query, how do we stop this ship?

[geoschmo]

Tribbles have wings? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif

Chief Medical officers log: (hehe, he said log. shut up beevis)

My initial excitment at getting to uh, "examine" the FBW's turned to dismay when I heard what our mission was.

"What? Fartpoint? I am like 200 years old in this episode. Aw crud."

Not wanting to be relegated to shuffleboard and prune juice for the remainder of the mission I needed to go back in time. I talked Engineer Erax into bypassing the warp jeffries tube conduit into the tacheyon grid and building up a feedback loop....Aw who am I kidding. I slipped the script writer a hundred and had him rewrite my character as a healthy late twenty-something stud.

Now where did those FBW's get to....

[ April 30, 2003, 12:59: Message edited by: geoschmo ]

[Taz-in-Space]

While the rest of the crew defends the remainder of the ship, Taz defends the most critical areas:
The Lounge (10 forward) and the brewery. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Using Guinan-like psychology and the most powerful intoxicants on hand, Taz manages to subdue the invaders by getting them all falling-down drunk.

Taz then separates out the lone female boarder for more intense, errr, interrogation later in his quarters. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

The remainder of the now subdued and extremely happy boarders are beamed to Cargo Bay 4 for security to, ahh, handle!

Taz to Captain: Ten Forward and the Brewery are now secure. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[ May 01, 2003, 03:21: Message edited by: Taz-in-Space ]

[Growltigger]

Captain Slog stardate May 1 08.42 GMT

Thanks to the sound proofing in the Captain's Ready Room, I was blissfully unaware of a foul and heinous attempt by forces unknown to take over the TSSS Phong's Head.

Luckily, my highly motivated and trained crew dealt with the hostile incursion superbly. The strange thing is that when I commed my head of security in cargo bay 4, all I got was a reptilian burping sound, followed by what sounded like hiccups and strange noises which I can only describe as beiing like the a large T-Rex using a phaser rifle to pick bits of meat and body armour out of his teeth. Note to self to ask number 1 what Barry has been up to.

We are now in orbit over Fart Point. What strange things will we see on the planet, who is this mystery foe who seems intent to harm the brave crew of the TSSS Phong's Head.....

End of log.

Captain to Mr Scoffo. Please stop canoodling with the counsellor and our communications officer. Please prepare an away team to beam down to Fart Point. Given the methane build-up, I suggest you take non-smokers only. Make it so.

[Atrocities]

Captain Slog Supplemental stardate May 1 08.59 GMT

Thanks to the sound proofing in the Captain's Ready Room, Myself and the ships new counsler, Troi, have blissfully matted. Her screams of pleasure went unheard by the bridge crew. End Log.

[dogscoff]

OK, I want the following people in the transporter room asap, equipped with weapons and gas masks:

Barry (for security)
half a dozen redshirts (security backup ie in case Barry gets hungry)
Erax (Engineers are always handy)
Taz (who better to solve a brewery-related mystery?)
Seven of Nine (Eye Candy)

[Erax]

Realizing that the ship still has more holes in it than the story he's going to tell his wife when he gets home, Erax picks up an anti-proton welder, loads some inner hull plating on an antigrav sled and starts wandering around, patching holes and talking to the ship.

"They hurt you, baby, but it's going to be all right, I'l fix ye right up..."

Intercom: "Engineer Erax, please report to the transporter room."

Erax: "Darn. Er, I mean, Aye, Aye, Mr. Scoffo. Computer, please switch off Holodeck Four. Liuetenant Kamog, quit yer fooling in there and take over patching the hull."

[ May 01, 2003, 10:45: Message edited by: Erax ]

[Growltigger]

Originally posted by Atrocities:
Myself and the ships new counsler, Troi, have blissfully matted<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Oh no I haven't, I am saving myself for some Orion green-skinned dancing girl!! If it was good enough for Kirk, it is good enough for me!

Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat leaves his ready room and walks onto the bridge. He looks towards the viewscreen and is startled to see an armada of huge menacing space dreadnoughts heading toward the TSSS Phong's Head. Suddenly, actinic fire shoots towards the dreadnoughts, they fire back and the dauntless captain jumpsinto his chair and hits the red alert button.....

Mr Power Man, full shields and load all photon torpedo bays, charge the phaser banks and find out who the hell is shooting at those dreadnoughts......

A message flashes up onto the screen "Game over game over".

The bridge goes quiet, all that can he heard is the klaxon going "Awooga Awooga Awooga". As one, the bridge crew look toward Mr S'Katchoo, today arrayed in a fey crimpolene and winceyette uniform, who is clutching the controls to his playstation 2 and looking a bit embarassed.

Mr Power Man, please re-set your phaser to "extreme agony" and shoot that bloody vulcan (TM) numpty-head in the backside.....

The captain goes back to his ready room for a lie down and a rest

[ May 01, 2003, 15:23: Message edited by: growltigger ]

[Atrocities]

Oh no I haven't, I am saving myself for some Orion green-skinned dancing girl!! If it was good enough for Kirk, it is good enough for me!<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">This statement causes PCP much agony as he visualizes the Captain with a Green Orion slave wentch, yelling at her "Who's yo daddy, who's yo daddy." Atro shudders uncontrollably and considers using phaser to end life.

[Gryphin]

When they finaly beam down they will with incredible random accuracy arive right in front of me waving a towel.
Hey guys, can you give me a ride. can I join you? can I have a spify red shirt?

[dogscoff]

Oh no I haven't, I am saving myself for some Orion green-skinned dancing girl!! If it was good enough for Kirk, it is good enough for me!
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">A hole in the ceiling opens up and a mountain of Orions immmediately falls out to bury the Captain.

Infuriated, he digs his way out and yells
"I said Orion, not onion!"

A hole in the ceiling opens up and a mountain of onions immmediately falls out to bury the Captain and the mountain of Orions.

"That's better."

Gryph, you are more than welcome. I think 'Tig has already reserved a spot for you on the crew. Look back a page or two.

[ May 01, 2003, 16:50: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[Growltigger]

Captain to first officer, Ryker, sorry Scoffo you utter oik, get a cleaning crew into the captain's ready room immediately, I appear tobe buried under a pile of sweaty naked orion green-skinned dancing girls, as well as a pile of shallots...

hang on, belay that order, give me a hour before you send in the cleaning crew, something here needs to be probed deeply....

snicker snicker

[Power Man]

Power Man resets his Large, Powerful, Amazing, Long, Phase Energy Pistol and gives that bloody vulcan (TM) numpty-head a “Brief” shot in the backside.

“Boy I am glad the Captain did not see that it was I who was controlling the armada of huge menacing space dreadnoughts heading toward the TSSS Phong's Head.
I mean we were only.. uh … Practicing our Space Combat lessons.. Ya that’s it.
We were not PLAYING !! “

Putting the ship into PARKing Orbit Power Man asks Mr S'Katchoo , “ Hay I just got a beta copy of Space Empires: Starfury for the Holodeck. I hear that Holodeck Four in available. How about we go down and get in some more “Practice”?

Power Man pushes a button on the controls. A large green light starts flashing. The light is labeled “Designated Driver Device”. There, I’m ready. Lets go have some fun Play— er Practicing. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

[Katchoo]

Science Officer S'Katchoo turns away from his Science Station to answer.

Mr S'Katchoo: "Starfury? That game has proven to be vastly subpar to the much better designed Master of Orion 3."

At that moment a vast intelligence stirs...

[Power Man]

MOO 3 !!! I heard that the game is SO BAD even the COWS don't like it !!

If you don't want to join in a game of Starfury me I guess I will just have to go to the holodeck and Play with it by myself....

At that moment a vast intelligence moans ....

(insert Trek "Unknown Danger " music here) http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif

[Katchoo]

Mr S'Katchoo takes a new piece of tape out and tapes his eyebrow even higher to express his surprise at PowerMan's response.

Mr. S'Katchoo: "Very well. I will join you for some "practice". Although i'm certain my combat skills will diminish from the experience."

Mr S'Katchoo folds up the chair he's been using on the bridge and takes it with him as he accompanies PowerMan to the turbolift.

Elsewhere, a vast intelligence whistles while reading a copy of Naussicans Monthly in a SuperEvolved bathroom...

[Taz-in-Space]

Just as Taz was about to give the female raider some particularly deep -ahh- probing questions, the intercom tells him that he is required to report for an away mission. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif

Taz gives the prisoner a bottle of the bubbly and the complete collected works of the Three Stooges to keep her occupied.

Now where was that pistol? There it is!
Taz picks up a pistol like that Last used by Jim Carey in The Mask (You know - the one with eleventy-dozen barrels and attached rocket launcher) and grabbing his ACME gas mask, whirls out the door.

Taz is on his way! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Ooops. I mean: Taz is on his way, SIR! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[ May 02, 2003, 05:06: Message edited by: Taz-in-Space ]

[Kamog]

Originally posted by Erax:
Computer, please switch off Holodeck Four. Liuetenant Kamog, quit yer fooling in there and take over patching the hull."<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Yes, Sir!

Kamog goes to the duplicator and produces several rolls of Duct Tape. OK, now. I'll get that hull fixed up in no time. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Gwaihir]

[OO(NE)C] (out of (non-existant) character)
Duct tape RULES THE WORLD!!!

In response to "love holds the world together," my younger sister once replied, "no, it doesn't - <u>duct tape</u> holds the world together!"
-I have trained her well . . .

-- An appreciative lurker. (BTW, any of you hang out at the Ambrosia forums? (EV:Nova is being ported to PC! YAY!) They have some great cantina-esque threads - - Leviathan Cruise Lines http://www.ambrosiasw.com/webboard/Forum26/HTML/008044.html# (now over) and Bright Star Station http://www.ambrosiasw.com/webboard/Forum26/HTML/009764.html# (new)

[/OO(NE)C]

[Growltigger]

Captain to ship's compter, Mabel, please locate Mr Power Man, he is in holodeck 4 with Mr S'Katchoo? good, please send 10,000 volts through holodeck 4 and then tranpost them both back to their stations on the bridge.

We shall have some discipline on this ship. Computer, sound yellow alert. I want this ship ready for anything in case the away team meets trouble on Fart Point.

Gwaihir, no lurking in this thread whilst the TSSS Phong's Head is on Yellow Alert, unless you fancy donning a red vest and joining the away team on the planet as an expendable, I mean, useful member of the security detail.

Arm phaser banks Mr Power Man, Mr S'Katchoo, please ensure that our anti-sniff field is at full strength, Commander Kamog, please ensure that the warp engines are on line and ready to go at a moments notice.

I have a bad feeling about this. We shall have to wait for Commander Dogscoff to report....

The Captain sits in his command chair, staring at Patsy the PVC Communication officer and waiting for a report from Commander Dogscoff.....

[Katchoo]

Mr S'Katchoo unfolds his chair and takes his seat at the Science Station.

Anti-sniff field? Mr S'Katchoo doesn't see any such device on the board. The Captain's been sleeping in the Warp Exhaust Chamber (re: Bathroom) again, muses S'Katchoo.

Mr S'Katchoo is the creative sort though, so he replicates several hundred clothespins. With pins in hand, Mr S'Katchoo visits every member of the Ship and clips the pins on everyones noses.

Lastly, Mr S'Katchoo visits Barry in Cargo Bay 4. After a Velveeta Mind-Melt, Mr S'Katchoo clips a giant novelty pLastic clothespin, which he obtained in the Dollar Store on Deck 16, onto Barry's giant schnozz.

One quick trip in the turbolift later and Mr S'Katchoo is back on the Bridge.

"The Anti-Sniff Field is up, Captain."

[Power Man]

A slightly scorched Power Man takes his position at the helm. He hopes he can get back to game some time soon. He and Mr S'Katchoo were having a “Fascinating” time practicing ship combat manuvers.

He sets the shields to “Tough and Super Absorbent” so they can stand up to any thing and soak up the damage. The “Steely Eye” sensors are staring all around for any cloaked ships. Power Man puts the ship into D1 for Defense mode one.
He tests the phasers by neatly cutting some nearby Asteroids in half (turning them into Hemi-roids).

“Helm and weapons at Yellow Alert. Phasers armed and ready Keptan, I mean Captain. “ Sorry it must be the clothespin on my nose.

Don’t worry about sending the away team out through the shields Captain. I happen to know that this ship’s transporter system is equipped with a Penetrating Energy Emitter from the Cat-heter company . The Penetrating Energy Emitter is a long tube that extends from the ship and penetrates the shield trough a small slit. It serves to guide the transporter beam (yellow in color) through the shields and can be aimed to hit any spot we want.

Commander Dogscoff U R Not going to like this but don’t you think the best way for “Number 1” to travel is through the PEE tube? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[Raging Deadstar]

*Silently 5 spherical droids float through space from the surface of Anus IV. They slowly head towards the TSSS Phongs head. They quickly pass through the fluctuations in the shield and slowly begin monitoring the movements of the ship. After the boarding attempt failed the Deadstar Continuum decide they must observe and learn more about these intruders and keep them away from fart point*

Available Information.....
The TSSS Phongs Head is a cantina class starship. Equipped with specialist shields and Photon torpedoes. Information on the crew is limited, although all attempts to hail the ship have been met with a pvc synthetic lifeform commanly referred to by humans as "a blow up doll!" Our informants have informed us that the captain is from the homo labido offscalus felinis species and has a penchant for good attractive women, this may be used to our advnatage.

*One of the droids manages to slip quickly through one of the holes that kamog hasn't taped up with impenetrable duct tape and quickly activates it's hologram projector to blend in as a red shirt ensign. It's mission: to observe the crew and gather information on the Phongs Head. To blend in effectively he hobbles around after a self inflicted phaser bLast to the foot!*

[Gryphin]

Power Man,
Are those PEE tubes completely tested? I understood that they frequently will spray the transported off to the left or right or sometimes even dribble them out.

[Kamog]

After completing level 3 diagnostics on the warp engines, Kamog goes back to patching holes in the hull. He bumps into the red-shirt ensign limping around with a severely burned foot.

"Ensign, take this roll of inpenetrable duct tape and climb up this Jeffries Tube. There's a damaged power conduit up on level 17. Go patch it up. ...wait, what happened to your foot? And why don't you have a clothespin on your nose? Hmm, I don't have an extra clothespin but I have these Vice Grip pliers you can use. Go report to Dr. Geo in MedLab - uh, I mean Sickbay - and get him to look at your foot."

[Katchoo]

Mr S'Katchoo looks up from his Science Station and address' the Captain before he leaves for the Planet surface.

Mr S'Katchoo: "Captain i've completed my survey of the Planet's atmosphere. I'm detecting glucose-frucose, water, tomato paste, molasses, vinegar, salt, modified corn starch, natural hickory smoke flavour, onion powder, ground mustard, dried garlic, spices, and seasonings."

Captain: "Mr S'Katchoo, those are the ingredients from the bottle of Barbecue Sauce on your Station!"

Mr S'Katchoo: "Indeed? Perhaps we should harvest the Planet Atmosphere and sell it."

The Captain puts his head in his hands. Mr S'Katchoo though unwinds the bottle of Barbecue sauce and applies it the the hamburgers cooking at the built in Barbecue Console.

Mr S'Katchoo: *sniff*sniff* "Ahhhh... Lunch anyone?"

*sizzle*sizzle*sizzle*

[Gwaihir]

**Having almost missed their cue because of the clever disguise in an ingredients list, a mass of Onions materializes over S'Katchoo's head and tumbles down into a neat little conical pile, burying him completely. Fortunately for everyone on the bridge, the clothespins prevent the stench from being too overwhelming, but Unfortunately (or fortunately . . . you cruel people! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif ) S'Katchoo's clothespin is knocked off by the vegetable deluge.**

[Taz-in-Space]

Taz, always on the lookout for new security devices, adds the following sign to all doorways throughout the ship:

,-----------,
| TO ENTER |
| HERE SAY |
| "ONIONS" |
'-----------'

That should take care of those pesky intruders! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

[ May 05, 2003, 04:03: Message edited by: Taz-in-Space ]

[Gwaihir]

Ok, this is a pertinent question, even though it is OOC. And no, i'm not lurking, i'm checking for purposes of joining.

Just to confirm, although we are using TNG episodes, we are using original series characters, and original series color scheme, right?



A crewmember walks into the bridge, pulling off his shirt as he does so, covering his eyes. He finishes removing his shirt and stops with his hand halfway to Powerman's backside.

"Uh, hey, you're not the shower knob! And, er, this isn't the shower!"

Everyone on the bridge stares at the crewmember, standing there holding his (no its not red, its blue!) shirt in his hand. They notice that the clothespin came off of his nose when he was removing the shirt, and wonder how long it will take for him to notice the smell.

"Uh, sorry guys, I thought this was . . . wait, whats that pile over there? It's rustling! is someone under there?? An what's that puddle leaking from under it? I wish i had my tricorder, but its still on my workbench . . . oh wait, lets see, those must by those vegetables from Earth, er, what is the species, uh - - oh, right . . . Allium cepa! (Well, so he got lucky, don't worry, he'll fall for it later!) I guess that puddle must be tears from that incredible sten . . . wait, where's my Anti-Sniff device http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif ?"

He puts his hand to his nose, his eyes go wide with shock, then, true to cartoon chemistry, the effect of the smell occurs, and he's out like a light, stiff as a board, and he's made like a ship and keeled over (we mustn't let Powerman have a monopoly! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif ).

As he lies there, it is noticed that he has pointy ears. People on science crew might recognize him as Lt. Gwai, a science officer, who tends to be very curious, plays with gadgets waaaaay too much, and has overclocked his tricorder (among other projects he is rumored to have).

* now, could someone please cart me off to sickbay? I have an intense case of Super-Allium poisoning from those darn On . . . allium cepae!!*

[ May 05, 2003, 04:35: Message edited by: Gwaihir ]

[Kamog]

Kamog to Bridge: "Hull repairs are complete, sir. Warp engines are on line and at 100% efficiency."

Having completed his tasks for the day, Kamog returns to Holodeck #4. Noticing that #4 seems to have a power outage, he moves on to Holodeck #3.

Hey, what's this sign on the door? "To enter here say -" he almost reads the rest of it, but stops just in time, having remembered the bad experience he had a few days ago.

Kamog: "Computer, load program Kamog-Alpha-3-Epsilon-8-Gamma-14."
Computer: "That program has been deleted. Please select another."
Kamog: "How about FBW-CTW-2500?"
Computer: "That program requires command level authorization."
Kamog: "Uh, then just load whatever."
Computer: "Program loaded. Enter when ready."

Just as Kamog is about to go into the Holodeck, he hears a loud rumbling noise coming from upstairs.

That was from the Bridge! I better go up there.
... ...wow, a pile of food!

Kamog goes to the barbecue station to have some burgers.

[Katchoo]

Originally posted by Gwaihir:


Ok, this is a pertinent question, even though it is OOC. And no, i'm not lurking, i'm checking for purposes of joining.

Just to confirm, although we are using TNG episodes, we are using original series characters, and original series color scheme, right?

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">OOC: From what i'm gathering along the way is that the rules are more loose than Easy Edna on the corner over there ->

Easy Edna: *HIC* "Need company tonight, big boy?" *BURP*

I don't think we've decided on uniforms, but there are characters here from TOS and TNG, so it's likely fine for you to pick whoever you want (that hasen't been taken yet) and run with it.

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon6.gif

OOC2: Instead of Turbolifts, how about we use Demoralizinglifts! Whenever you get in one, they degrade you non-stop until your destination. And they can be voiced by the assistant-air traffic controller from the movies Airplane & Airplane 2 (the balding possibly gay white guy).

(EG) Demoralizinglift: "Where did you buy those shoes? And that shirt! God their awfull. And that haircut looks like a brillo pad that's been washed in the toilet of a mexican restaurant! Did you choose this career or did they draft you from the Sperm Donation Clinic?"

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

[Gwaihir]

Lt. Gwai would be all for that, and volunteer to program them too, if only he were conscious.

But as far as the narrator knows, he is still unconscious on the bridge, in a growing puddle of allium-induced tears, with his Anti-Sniff device stuck on the shirt in his hand, waiting to be carted off to sickbay . . . http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif

And, the narrator would like to ask everyone to stop mentioning those darn vegetables! a few times was fine, he set up a nice little stand and turned a bit of profit. But now he has RSII (repeated small impact injury), and a bad back from it, and yet everyone keeps making him say onions!!

*rrrrruuuummmmbbbble . . . "
Oh N-
*narrator is buried under a pile of his own stupidity*
muffle curses in every language ever used in stories (thats a lotta Languages!) pour forth . . . and thats a real problem, since most stories with narrators are for little kids.

-this message brought to you by the society for kindess to narrators

[ May 05, 2003, 06:22: Message edited by: Gwaihir ]

[Power Man]

Captain, the "Steely Eye" sensors have reported seeing 5 small globs of unknown origin coming from the surface. They have tracked 4 leaving the area.
However they have lost the 5th one. The recent influx of On-er Allium cepa! in the ship has triggered the "Steely Eyes" water flush system. As a result scanning is down 55.987%.
I will attempt to find the missing glob as soon as I dry my "Eyes"

Gryphin : I play- er Practice with the PEE tube every day. I must say I have gotten pretty good with it.

Gwaihir : I greet a fellow Punster. Now we can double the PUNishment.

Katchoo If we did as you suggested and added programs to degrade you non-stop until your destination , we could call the Turbolifts TuboDowners.

I hope "Number 1 and his team are almost ready to "GO". The "Pressure" is building to have some "Movement" of the story line.

[TerranC]

Ensign TerranC is briefly spotted walking in the corridors before he is killed by an unknown unexplainable EPS conduit burnout, which *should* have created nothing but a mild case of goose bumps.

Another Ensign is electrocuted while trying to carry TC's charred body...

[Gwaihir]

You know, someone really ought to do something about the poor unconscious people http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif (S'Katchoo and Lt. Gwai) and the pile of veggies on the bridge - Kamog was off to a good start, he can use a few as condiments on his burger - perhaps others can be harvested for the kitchens . . . and you know, enemy ships (and cities, and bases) probably don't have anti-sniff devices, which brings me to "101 fun uses for a teleporter" . . . although storing such powerful weapons on board may be an inherently unsafe thing to do (sounds right up our alley, eh?)

[Kamog]

Kamog finally notices the unconscious fellow officers on the bridge. He clears away the pile of - um - whatever these round vegetables are.

"Mr. S'Katchoo, are you all right?"

There is no response. Then he takes a look at the unconscious Lt. Gwai.

"Well, I'm an Engineer, not a Doctor! ... Kamog to Dr. Geo. Medical Emergency on the Bridge! Two to transport directly to Sickbay. Computer, transport Mr. S'Katchoo and Lt. Gwai to Sickbay. Energize! "

[Gwaihir]

Several hours later . . .

Lt. Gwai opens his eyes blearily and looks around.

"Huh? Whatzs thish? Whereami? Uhgh, sickbay, hrm, I was . . . in the shower . . . no, it was the bridge, and and and . . . there was a pile, a pile of . . . er . . . they smelled . . . i mustve fainted, . . . hrm."

As the remaining 95% of his brain catches up with the rest of his body, Lt. Gwai remembers more accurately what happened.

"Oh, NO! I was undressing on the BRIDGE?! Why do I allllllways do something wrong?! I mean, its not like i'm trying to . . . people always over-react anyway. Especially the vulcan academy. I know I'm supposed to stick to the pure science, but it seemed like it woud be so simple to increase the capabilities of that scanner. I just didn't remember to check that the targeting relays could hold the power load. I really didn't mean for it to change focus during the thesis presentation, and certainly not to the director's bedroom . . . Although I must admit, some of the things she was doing were rather educational . . . if only the rest of the administrative board thought so. And now I'm already ruining my big chance for a new start here at starfleet. I have to work extra hard to make up for my mistake."

Realizing that he had no good reason for that outburst, he looks nervously around, hoping no one really heard nuch of it. Fortunately, S'Katchoo is snoring peacefully, and the Dr. Geo is nowhere to be seen. Although, there are some noises coming from the next room that sound sort of like the ones in the director's bedroom . . .

Lt. Gwai slides gingerly off of the bed, and begins to walk over to investigate, thinks better of it, and decides to go work on the combination phaser/tricorder unit that's been giving him trouble. As he walks out the door, he notices a sign he hadn't seen before.

"To enter here say . . . "

There is a thud and a yelp (that sounds amazingly like a FBW) from the next room, and as he finishes reading, geo appears (in, shall we say, less than full uniform), diving to stop him, yelling "No, don't say-"

". . . onions," Lt. Gwai finishes reading.

**RRRRrrruuuummmmbbbllle**

One shortcoming of the Anti-Sniff devices is their tendency to come off when stuck by hundreds of small, smelly orbs, and this case is no exception. When the outpouring stops, he is sprawled unconscious in the doorway under a pile of the cursed comestibles, which is spilling into the medical rooms and the hallway.

You know, those things probably cause brain damage. Too much exposure might turn a guy into a vegetable. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

**Er, i hope you don't mind the slight borrowage of your character, geo. I think its pretty consistent tho. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif If not, well, you're the one standing there with a whole medlab full of fun drugs and me unconscious under a pile of you-know-whats. Even if you are somewhat informally attired.

[ May 06, 2003, 05:29: Message edited by: Gwaihir ]

[Growltigger]

Captain to number 1, please do not direct the chorus line of ovoids to Barry's cargo hold. Please direct them to the captain's ready room for, ahem, more examination......

The sheep head into the captain's ready room, the door closes and the sound of large bolts being drawn can be heard, closely followed by the following song...

"my rhubarb refuses to rise
to its natural size
my baby don't love me no more...
daddle daddle dum
daddle daddle dum
bring on the dancing sheep
Oiii"

Captain Slog, stardate 13.20 GMT - thank heaven for rubgy songs, but we are currently in orbit round Anus IV, my first officer is acting like a big girl's blouse and has backed out of the away mission, it is down to Ensign Power Man or Commander Kamog to go and expore Fart Point as the captain is, ahem, a bit tied up at the moment....

[Power Man]

OK Captain, since I was feeling the "Pressure" I'll help "Move" the plot and command the Away Party-No Away MISSION. This will be ALL work and NO Play. (Ha!)

Power Man activates the Designated Driver Device and heads to the transporter room. He has to turn off the speaker in the Turbolift. It was complaining about Power Man's hair, your suit needs polishing, you never… CLICK !! (what a downer )

As he heads to the transporter he wonders what the Captain could be doing with rising rhubarb, dancing sheep, and getting tied up. (UGH!!)
(Insert Trek Captain's Love scene music track 3 here)

He arrives and finds Taz and some red shirts waiting. One of the red shirts seems to have a hurt foot.
"I am sorry but you can't beam down already injured. That happens After you get there. Go see the Doctor and get that thing fixed."
Power Man looks around for a tricorder to take on the Mission. He spots one labeled "Property of Gwaihir" . "I'll just borrow this one. I am sure Gwaihir will not mind. "

Power Man sets the controls (we really need to get some more crew) on the transporter's PEE tube.
The team is "squirted" down to Fart Point.

They arrive with incredible random accuracy in front of a guy waving a towel. "You must be the new crewman Gryphin. Welcome aboard. Come join my Party-No Mission."

Everyone looks around them. The team has beamed into a large square that sits between "Old Fart Point" and the "New Fart Point Brewery".
The Old Fart Mayor, a Mister Odiferous, is there to greet them. "Welcome, Welcome to Fart Point. We have been waiting for your arrival. Come let me give you the Grand tour."

As the team is lead into the Brewery they see a large sign. "Welcome to Fart Point Brewery. Home of the STRONGEST SMELLING ALE's IN THE UNIVERSE ". They see large Vent Holes belching out clouds of gas from huge tanks of bubbling liquid. Huge barrels of ale are being filled up and stacked away for aging.
The tour ends in the "Fart Point Tasting Room". A huge bar has been set up with samples of all the types of Ale they make. A selection of snacks has been provided.

Power Man reminds the team, "Remember men we a here to Work Not Play. So I want everyone here to Work at getting a sample of every Ale here. That should make for a very "Happy Hour" or so. "
Taz admires the huge bar. He starts making a list of the new ales he will picking up.
The red shirts drink themselves green faced sick.
Gryphin pecks- I mean picks up some free snacks and a selection of ale. He seems to have the appetite of a bird.

Power Man looks around, "What no Tribble wings??" Oh they are. Funny I would swear they were not there a second ago."

"Power Man to Captain Growltigger we may need some more time down here.
There is a lot of (HICK-UP) research left to do." http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Growltigger]

Captain to Ensign Power Man, take as long as you need, but ensure that you com in at 15 minute intervals so that we can ensure that you are still alive, and possibly still coherent.....

I will try and join you shortly but unfortunately, I still have a couple of ewes, I mean, strategy and readiness reports, to go......

Note, Mr S'Katchoo has reviewed Starfleet records on the colonists of Fart Point, do watch out, the original settlers were apparently the refuse and gutter sweepings from the most vicious prisons on Earth, people who could survive in any environment, were resourceful, evil and nasty minded oiks who had a tendency to brew alcoholic beverages out of their own bodily wastes......

Anyway, your captain must go, I am busy helping Miss Baaahhbara here with her starfleet revision (she calls it revision, I call it immorral and illegal)

Miss Flossy, engage the battery operated back scrubber, make it so

Baaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh

[dogscoff]

*In the interests of non-continuity, commander dogscoff issues Gwahir with a uniform from Babylon 5.

Suddenly, a queue of giant sheep in full make-up & chorus girl outfits high-kick their way onto the bridge, baa-ing, whooping, batting their fake eyelashes and flashing their petticoats.

"OK, who ran holodeck program SHP-900C and left the door open?"
*dogscoff consults the holodeck logs.
"Kamog? You have some questions to answer..."

As dogscoff begins to herd the sheep toward Barry's cargo bay, he is struck in the jaw by a woolly can-can kick. Unconscious, the first officer is taken to the sickbay. It falls to someone else to lead the away mission.

I As much fun as this thread is, I really don't have enough time for it at the moment. Don't hold the plot up for me...

[mac5732]

In the dark recesses under one of FartPoints huge mountains, in a subterrainion Fortress, protected against all forms of warfare, an illustrious, suave, sexy, slightly balding, older gentleman, sits in front of a huge console, surrounded by large montior screens. He presses a series of contacts, from far below, in number 12 converter room, massives switches drive home an enormous mass enhanced by methane gas, which in turn propells a small beam of energy that hurls outward toward the alien ship above the planet.
The beam is a pipe like hollow cylinder of intolerable energy which upon striking the ship, clings to the defensive screens and slowly bores a small entrance like hole, thru the screen and then by passes the metal and armor of the ship. The wizen old one chuckles to himself as his spy beam watchs the machinations of those on board the strange craft and the various creatures inhabiting this metal container. As the old one watches, a sexy female clone, who looks very similiar to an old earth celebrity from years past, brings him his breakfast of bacon, eggs, hashbrowns, rye toast and a brewski. "ah, thank you LH#3," he expostulates with a twinkle in his eye. Refreshment while I watch and see what these creatures from nowhere are up to, in the meantime, let Number2 know we have visitors and to put all defensive stations on alert....... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Gwaihir]

In his unconscious state, Lt. Gwaihir (#%^$ it, I can't remember not to type the 'hir' bit, so *poof* my name is now Gwaihir) dreams of his tricorder . . . he hopes that no one picked up his field test model, he left it lying somewhere . . . Its not that it doesn't work, its just, well, the video games might be against regs, and someone might confuse them with a reading or something. And that self-defense electroshocker bit, well, its really hard to accidentally set it off, but, given his luck . . .
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif ::have fun, guys::

[Power Man]

Power Man wakes up (comes to) early the next day.
"Oh what a headache! I guess I played - er Worked too hard Last night sampling all those ales."
He remembers tasting a wide range of ales, from pale golden weak ales that seem to be preferred in some of the New World "colony planets" to deep thick, almost chunky brews favored by the Old world United Kingdome planets. Some Lite ales seem to shine out while some ales were so heavy one needed a Porter to carry them into the house. Still others were so full body they were Stout!

Sometime in the wee hours the Away party-no that's Team, was shown to a small room containing several chairs and beds covered with freshly changed linens. Here they rested (Passed Out) from all their hard "work".
Power Man checks the rest of the team.
Taz is a large fur ball in one of the couches. From his loud snores it appears that it will be some time till he is heard from. He seems to be rather quiet lately. I think he is a bit in "shock and aw" over that Huge bar in the tasting room. He may have a case of "Bar equipment" envy.
Gryphin is a pillow of feathers on the bed. He too looks out-of-it for the time being.
The two red shirts are sprawled in the chairs. Their green faces are turning a nice Toon plaid mix of green and blue.
All of the covers and linens are dirty and will have to be replaced.

One thing drinking all that ale has given Power Man is an urgent Pressure to get Going !! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif
He leaves the "Re-cover Room" in search of the "Little Power men's room."

As he "seeks out a new place to Go" he thinks about having a nice breakfast of bacon, eggs, hashbrowns, rye toast and a brewski. His pounding headache and upset stomach argue against it.
"I think I will try some of that "Hair Of the Dog" ale for breakfast."

Meanwhile up on the ship.
The Designated Driver Device detects a slight pricking of the lower shields.

DANGER DANGER DANGER Intruder detected.

An android robot unfolds from the controls. This is the Automatic Action Android (Action Andy for short). Andy activates the battle scanners. In a voice that resembles Power Man's old friend Spork it makes its report.

"Captain the AAA has detected what appears to be a wizen old PEE tube extending from the planet and penetrating into the ship. Activating the "BOBBIT Maneuver""

From the ship two beams of intolerable energy slice into the offending PEE tube. Within seconds it pulls out of the ship and shrinks back down to the planet. However it is much shorter than before.

Action Andy makes one final report. "Captain the intruder has been rebuffed. Returning to normal mode." The AAA then folds back up and returns into the control board.

(There that aught to teach mac5732 to keep his PEE tube to himself and not "Stick it" where it is not wanted. Next time at least by us a Drink first!! ) http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

Several "steely eyes" start taking a "Hard Look" at the planet below trying to find the source of the pesky PEE tube.

[ May 07, 2003, 21:23: Message edited by: Power Man ]

[mac5732]

The wise old one, watches as his tube is unprovokedly attacked and pushed back down into the over all mass containment area of #12. hmmmm, it appears someone found my little toy he mumbles to himself, however, he punches some more buttons in front of the consoles and sees that the spy tube registered a high 89% methane level inside various areas of the ship.....Now that would be useful he grumbles, it appears that methane is also used by these aliens from the strong emissions registering on the FartPoint Methane incandescent beam analyzer. Well we'll just have to tap that source and from what the analyzer shows, its almost 98% pure with a slight trace of what appears to be various types of alcohole in trace amounts.

The wizen oldster, munching on rye toast, moves his strong fingers over the keyBoards of his console and is soon followed by a redly impenetrable opacity which leaps spaceward towards the revolving space craft. Upon reaching its target an indescribable pall reachs into the ship with a writhing, coruscating beam of intense power. It soon envelops the various parts of the ship and begins the obduction of the methane found within and sending it down to the immense fortress and into the reaction chambers of a huge, gargantuan machine. Those workers around the metal contraption were estatic as they read the printouts on this unexpected source of 98% pure Methane. "Wow, this is the strongest stuff we've ever seen here on FartPoint", only beings with a trendous internal combustion system could be responsible for this experate of Methane". "The essance of wonderment of such magnitude of Methane must indeed be undescribable within the confines of those areas where the readings are taking place.." http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[ May 08, 2003, 04:12: Message edited by: mac5732 ]

[Power Man]

Power Man spends several minutes looking for the "little Power Men's room". He finally finds a door labeled "Water Closet" .
"Well if this rooms for water I have some "water" for it."
Power Man enters the WC. He sees a small tinkling fountain (just like the one in the old cantina) for washing hands. The walls have pictures of rushing streams. There are speakers playing the sound of a babbling brook…. STOP.. STOP.. If this keeps up I really will BURST!
He spots a series of holes along one wall. A sign above them reads "You Are Not in Pain any more".

As he is finding Relief Power Man notices that the hole does not appear to be attached to a normal pipe.
Instead it appears that his stream is falling in "Golden Arches" into a vast vat of bubbling liquid on the next floor down. The vat looks like one he saw from the tour. It must be a different one though.
"I mean I am all for being resourceful and recycling but if that's not a different vat, this is just Nasty."

Power Man finishes his "Number 1" and washes up at the fountain.
As he leaves the WC the Old Fart Mayor, Mr. Odiferous runs up to him.

Thank the "Great Fart", I found you. You MUST call your Captain RIGHT AWAY! We did not do it. We could not do it. Don't let him KILL US !!!

"What ? WHO ?? OK I'll call." At this moment Power Man realizes that some of the loud buzzing in his head is actually coming from his communicator. "OH OH I forgot, I had set this thing on vibrate and so I did not notice it till now."

Power Man to Captain Growltigger, sorry for the delay in reporting. We got really tired (Smashed) Last night after all of our hard working (Partying). The team is still resting (sleeping it off). We managed to sample 89.456% of the ales. Taz has made up a shopping list that could choke a sheep. I will try to get the team to report in as soon as they wake up (recover).

"Oh by the way, Is there something going on up there ? I am here with Mayor Odiferous. He seems rather concerned about your declaring a state of war with the Galactic Federation. He says that his PEE tube is Way too small to assault anyone. And while he admits he "Sucks" it is not methane.

He seems to be blaming a wise old retired Major who lives in a subterranean Fortress, protected against all forms of warfare under the nearby "Mount Fartmore". The Major use to command the famous F (Fart) Troop the "Fighting Pains in the Anus" Troop 90210. He now lives in his fortress surrounded by sexy female clones, who serve his every needs.
This wizen "Oldest Fart" may not mean us any harm. I suggest that you use the "olive branch of peace" rather than your "planet busters" to contact him. If he does not listen to reason you can always hit him over the head with the branch and Then use the planet busters."

Captain I will report back again after I get back to the team.

[ May 08, 2003, 17:24: Message edited by: Power Man ]

[Raging Deadstar]

*Meanwhile aboard the TSSS Phongs Head...*

*The injured ensign hobbles down the hall ways, after many turbo lifts degrading him about the length of his gun, his accuracy and shooting technique he finally makes it to the desired location, the computers mainframe room. The hologram fizzles out and the floating droid then releases a cable that connects to one of the many sockets around the room. A red screen pops up and demands clearence to enter. The droid's programming enters "Growltigga, Love God" and "Knockers" as the password. It instantly begins downloading everything possible. Previous mission logs, crew profiles, ship blue prints, cargo information and the captains Online black book of aliens he's "bonked" With all this information transmitted back to the Deadstar satellite floating in orbit around the planet of Anus IV which then transfers the top secret information to the Officials of the Deadstar Continuum. With this task completed the droid reactivates the hologram projector and heads off towards the weapons room, the next phase of the deadstar's plans were on schedule..."

----=Message to The Wise Old One, Mac=----
From: Senator Deadstar

Our most Humble Greetings. We would greatly be hounoured by the assitance of yourself. We are troubled by the sudden appearence of the TSSS Phong's Head, who we know have beamed an away team down to the surface. We believe they will disrupt our planetary operations and would require your assitance in the "decapitation, if you will, of this threat. Our Operatives are standing by with orders to cripple the ship and if you would like the honour of exterminating The decorated Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat we would be happy to assist you. We believe the cloning of some athletic young liz hurleys bred for maximum stamina will be a sufficiant reward for your co-operation.
----=Message Ends=----

[Growltigger]

Captain Growltigga to Sub-Ensign Power Man,note you have been demoted for unbefitting conduct whilst on an away mission.

The honour of the Federation and illustrious service on TSSS Phong's Head only means you get drunk either on board or when I say you can.

Tell that snivelling mayor that I will withhold my engines of destruction, provided that miserable reprobate toad of a major in his undergorund fortress agrees to meet my assassination team, I mean, my friendship team when it beams down.

Tell that mayor that if he doesn't accede to this demand, I shall be forced to use planet buster bombs and phasers against the major's underground fortress such that Anus IV will be blown up its own bottom.......

He has been warned.......

[Power Man]

Power Man mutters to himself:
WHAT DEMOTED!! Why that @#$#$% puffed up %^%&& CAT ! I'd like to give his tale a YANK or TWO ! And after all my hard Work too. How Else are we to "seek out what's Brewing" if we don't sample what ales us??
I wonder how "The honour of the Federation and illustrious service on TSSS Phong's Head" is served by his "daddle daddle dum"ing his "rising rhubarb" and getting "tied up" by "dancing sheep". Maybe I ought to send my Uncle, Admriel High Horse at Federation Command Central a short note?
I am sure Captain "Cat" would Love a FCC investigation.

It looks like I had better start doing a little "Sucking Up" myself.

Taking out his communicator Power Man calls up to the ship.
"Power Man to the Great, All Powerful, Massively Endowed, Handsomely Striped, Powerful Singer, Captain Growltigga, I, your now even more lowly Peeon Power Man will tell "that snivelling mayor" your Great and Powerful words. He seems to have run off however so I must track him down."

I hope you will reconsider your supremely wise and just actions. From what we have Worked so Hard to discover, Fart Point Station and Anus IV would be a great ASSet to the Federation.
At least let your Away Team know before you "wipe out Anus IV's bottom".
We would like to get the Sh++ out of Anus IV before you give it the "Blow Job"."

Power Man Out.

Now which way back to the Re-Cover room ??? Were did that mayor run off to ??

[Katchoo]

Mr. S'Katchoo, having returned from his stay at the Betty Ford Clinic (aka Sickbay) enters the bridge just as the Captain begins issueing orders.

Captain: "..Sound red alert, bring the ship to battle stations, raise shields, charge phaser banks, load and arm all photon torpedoes, rig the shuttles as ground assault craft, arm all marines with ground attack weaponry and make sure the "planet buster" bombs are ready for launch.."

Mr. S'Katchoo gives the Captain a raised eyebrow. Shields?..Phaser banks?..Photon torpedoes?..Shuttles?..Marines?..Planet buster bombs? What does this Captain think this ship is? The Death Star?

But..the Captain wants "action", so i'll give it to him, muses Mr. S'Katchoo.

Sitting down to his Science Station, Mr. S'Katchoo unlocks the bottom cabinet and takes out his Guitar. Finally, with the Planetary Speakers on full bLast, Mr. S'Katchoo begins playing:

"Get your ski's shined up,
Grab a stick of Juicy Fruit.
The taste is gonnnnna move ya!
Take a strip,
Pull it ouuuut.
The taste is gonna move it when ya pop it in your mouuuuuth!

Juicy Fruit,
it's gonnnnna move ya!
Juicy soft,
it gets right to ya!
Juicy Fruit,
The taste the taste the taste is gonnna move ya!"

Meanwhile, down on Fart Point, people all over cup their hands over their ears and scream in terror...

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Power Man]

Power Man is still wandering the halls looking for the Re-Cover room and muttering about that *&^%$% CAT. Suddenly his ears are deafened by loud guitar music and some voice Kat-erwauling something about "grabbing the stick of a juicy fruit".
"This must be "The Word from our sponsor" we have been waiting for. Boy, you can't tell me they don't crank up the volume on those things. Well I know how to handle commercials." Power Man hits the mute button on his helmet and blocks the rest of the noise.

Power Man realizes that he may be lost. "I know I should have turned Left at that Last branch."
He sees that the walls have taken on a different, smoother, almost grown look. "This almost looks like Organic Tech!!"
He rounds a corner and sees three Old Fart Crones standing around a small vat of bubbling liquid. They are chanting as they add in various ingredients :
Eye of nute, toe of frog, wing of Bat, and tongue of dog this is how we make this Grog.

Oh this must be how they make the "Shake A Spear" ale. I'm glad I did not have any of That Last night.

Suppressing his Manly Needs Not to ask for Directions Power Man asks the Old Fart Crones for the way back to the Re-Cover room. They of course delight in telling him "Where to Go" and "How to Get There".

"Well How RUDE! Getting told off by those Old Farts. I will just have to keep looking for a way back myself"

Will Power Man find his way back? Will the rest of the Team ever wake up?? Will we get another Commercial??? Stay TOONED…..

[ May 09, 2003, 00:02: Message edited by: Power Man ]

[Growltigger]

Captain Slog stardate 12.01 GMT

After, ahem, interviewing the dancing leather clad sheep in my ready room, I arranged for their permanent installation in cargo bay 1. I had noticed that the air was getting a big green in the cargo bay, but was amazed when all the methane appeared to be sucked out of the ship and down to a fortress buried under a mountain range on Fart Point.

Given that the Away Team has been silent for the Last few hours, and was a bit incoherent before that, I assume that our brave away team has succumbed to methane poisoning.

This evidence of hostile intentions, together with the laceration of the PEE tube sent up by the planet, leads me to believe that the natives of Fart Point are not friendly.

Given the absence of communication, I must assume that our away team are dead.

My course of action is clear, the Prime Directive (as amended and supplemented by the Growltigga Directive and the Hussein Codicil), requires me to revenge any unprovoked assault upon Galactic Federation starships.

Mr S'Katchoo, you are now acting weapons officer in the absence of our dearly departed Mr Power Man and for the strange silence of Mr Dogscoff.

Sound red alert, bring the ship to battle stations, raise shields, charge phaser banks, load and arm all photon torpedoes, rig the shuttles as ground assault craft, arm all marines with ground attack weaponry and make sure the "planet buster" bombs are ready for launch. Make it so.....

Miss Patsy, please signal the mayor of Fart Point that they are now at war with the Galactic Federation. advise him that he has 5 minutes to hand back my away team, and to deliver the perpetrator of the PEE assault and methane sucking
to our transporter room in chains and mildly beaten.. tell him that failure to comply will result in termination of the planet with extreme prejudice

No methane breathing stinky wizended shindle shanked old tosspot sucks the sheep out of my ship.....

[Taz-in-Space]

...Gradually recovering from his overzealous 'Taste-testing' of the liquid refreshments, Taz waits for the couch he is on to 'drop-out-of-warp' and stop spinning.

While he is waiting he thinks back on the experience. Fascinating how all the booze seemed to become whatever you were thinking about at the time. And that bar - wonder if that can fit in the PEE tube for the return 'beam-out'?

Suddenly Taz is assaulted by the most lethal-sounding noise imaginable: The Infamous Juicy Fruit Theme Song.

Jolted into action, Taz staggers to his feet and activates his communicator.

"Taz to Captain: Some fiend is using Banned WMD's
(Weapons of Mass Deafening) on us. Request you beam us and the nearby bar to safety."

[narf poit chez BOOM]

suddenly, a hoard of drunken rats attacks the doors of the recovery room.
your still in the recovery room, except for power man, right?

[mac5732]

The wise one stares at his spy screens which show the anitquated ship above, raising shields and bringing weapons on line. "Well now it seems these infernal, pesky, intruders are preparing for some type of aggressive infatuation with our illustirious FartPoint. Ok, if thats what they want, heheheehhe, then they shall reap that which they attempt to sow.. ahahahhah, laughs the wizen old one.

At that moment, LH#69 enters the inner sanctum of the control room and reports that she has received a message over the inter galactic express communicator. Apparently a group of what appears intelligent beings are requesting a get together to help irradicate the musky ones cluttering up our space. That is most obliging of them replys the Old Great One, send them that we accept their kind offer and to submit those lucious sounding LH clones immediatly. LH#69 rushes back to her communications room.

LH #2, make sure our screens, weapons, and the secret ooze weapon are on line and ready to commence there most destructive implementation upon them the minute that old rust bucket up there fires.

The old one records a message for LH#69 to send to this supposed Jean luc le Grand Chat Kat .

LH#69 sends the following msg to the ship above

There is nothing either intrinsically right or intrinsically wrong about liberty or slavery, democracy or autocracy, freedom of action or complete regimentation. It seems to us here on FartPoint that the greatest measure of happinsess and of well being for the greatest number of entities, and therefore the optimum advancement toward whatever sublime goal it is toward which this cycleof our existence is trending in the vast and unknownable scheme of things is to be obtained by securing for each and every individual, the greatest amount of mental and physical freedom compatible with the public welfare. We of Fartpoint warn you that any interruption of these fundamentals upon any of our race shall be construed as an act of war which shall be profusely pursued against those perpetrators of such despicable actions...
"LH69 Send it.

The humble old gentelman presses a switch on his console which in turn lets loose the unestimatable power of the bartookis beam, which snatchs the bar and ales from the landing party and returns it to within the confines of the immense fortrress.

In addition, he pushes another button which sends out a small pointent beam at the turncoat mayor, ZAP, mayor no more... heheheh

LH"3, what is the status on our cloaked fleet of Battlemoons? They are cloaked and directly above and below the intruder sir, she replys. The old one leans back, releases some essance of methane modules, and smiles......

[Kamog]

Yeah! Juicy Fruit! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Kamog runs to the replicator, creates a few dozen packs of Juicy Fruit gum and starts handing them out to every crew member.

Come on, let's sing along... Juicy Fruit, the taste is gonna move ya...

[narf poit chez BOOM]

[and there's still a kareoke machine somewhere. hehehehe.]

[Power Man]

Power Man continues to “Trek” through the halls of Fart Point. As he turns a corner a Old Fart worker (who looks like an old movie star.. Charly or Charleton something) crashes into him. The poor fellow is clearly upset. He shouts:
I just found out something Just Nasty!!
“Sol-Ent” Green ale … IT’s Made From People.. PEOPLE !!
The poor sodden Sot runs off down the corridor. He clearly has gone “rownd the Bend!”

Power Man suddenly remembers he “borrowed” Gwaihir‘s tricorder. “I can use that to find a way out of here. “
He turns it on and begins to scan the area.
“WHAT ?? This thing is telling me there is a “+30 Goblin warrior” just down to hall. It is also showing me that there is chest with a +12 “helm of protection” behind me.

Wait... This thing is stuck in “Game Mode” It looks like I am in the middle of the game “NeverWinter Nights”.

Power Man fiddles with the controls trying to turn off the game. Finally he simply drop-kicks the tricorder across the floor. This causes the device to be “Re-Booted”. After a short time for memory checks, hardware checks, device driver loading and Finally a musical “Bling Bong Blong” the screen displays a list of program icons to chose from.
The list includes Games, Phaser, Scanner, Shocker, Still More Games. (I’ll have to get Gwaihir to load some of these on My system).

PM selects Scanner and starts Really scanning the area.

Power Man is filled with “Raging Dread” at what he sees. There is Much More to the Fart Point station than appears on the surface.

Power Man pulls out his communicator:

Power Man to Taz, I am glad to hear that you have woke up (recovered) . I have been looking around this place. There is something “Big a Foot” going on around here. Be on the lookout for Anything!!

Power Man to The Great, All Powerful, Yada Yada Yada, Captain Growltigga (Ya I am still “Sucking up”) : I have cleverly discovered (got lost in) a Vast underground area of Fart Point. I have discovered a vast amount of Organic Tech and other items.
There Must be “Other Forces” at work here. Captain there is no way those Old Farts could have made this place.
I urge you to calm down and reconsider any “Rash” Actions against Anus IV.
Why don’t you order up some of that “Milk, Guernsey White, Warm” you like so much, and take a “Chill Pill” to cool off your Fiery Furry temper.
The whole Federation and all Tigga Kind may be “Judged” by what you do next.

Power Man traces out a “root” that will lead him out of the Bowels of Fart Point.
“Lets see now I go Left, then Right, then Left again.. Boy this is just like driving the ship. I should be back with the Team in one or two Posts!!”

(There, that should be enough “Plot Points” for now.)

Keep on Trekking… http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

[Taz-in-Space]

The humble old gentleman presses a switch on his console which in turn lets loose the unestimatable power of the bartookis beam, which snatchs the bar and ales from the landing party and returns it to within the confines of the immense fortrress.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Taz watches as the Bar and Booze are both beamed somewhere...but obviously not by the TSSS Phong's Head! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif

"Uhhh, never mind Captain about the beam-out. I'll stay here and check out a few things." http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon6.gif

suddenly, a hoard of drunken rats attacks the doors of the recovery room. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">As Taz was about to wake the remainder of the landing party, he hears the rats begin their assault on the room's door.

"Hmmm, I believe I hear Tribble Wings 'on the hoof'!" he mutters to himself http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Taz sets his 'Mask' pistol to Allegiance SubVersion. (How else did you think he got the makings of tribble wings in the OLD Cantina?) http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

With a WHOOSH, Taz opens the door wide and shoots the rats. Even an unusually large skinny one at the rear of the pack. (He also just missed what appeared to be a fat big-headed one who runs off.) http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

Power Man to Taz, I am glad to hear that you have woke up (recovered) . I have been looking around this place. There is something “Big a Foot” going on around here. Be on the lookout for Anything!!
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Taz doesn't understand why anyone would want to meet Big Foot. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif However he acknowledges the message anyway.

Taz tells all the rats, except the large skinny one, to sleep it off in the room.
He then tells the big skinny one to lead him to wherever the bar has gone. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[mac5732]

LH#10 sitting at her spy beam station, keeps an eye on the landing party from the surrounded ship above, she notices the funny looking whirlwind following a skinny rodent towards the fortress. She presses the hot switch which puts her into instant contact with 'The Wise One'. She explains what is going on. The Wise One in turn calls LH#1 who is in charge of security. LH#1, notify our mobile assault team, Have them go out and retreave the whirlwind. LH#1, activates internal security and 25 armored and fleet of foot Britney Spears and Shania Twain Clones immediatly set out to capture and bring to bay the oncoming furball.

She also put on notice the Lopez and Kyle Armored assault Clones for possible ship board assault in case the master decides to board the ship.

Meanwhile over in the fortress cantina, the overhead speakers were picking up some sort of ritualistic singing coming from inside the ship, something about "Does you chewing gum lose its flavor over nite", all the clones looked at each other but then started to sing along to the catchy tune.... What next will those despotic demons above come up with to ruin our poor Fart planet. Now they are sending out their ritualistic music... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[Gwaihir]

More thoughts drift through Gwaihir's fevered brain . . .

"That tricorder, that one had . . . it had . . . the program for the Phaser attachment . . . the old Version . . . oh no, i meant to delete that! . . . without the phaser piece, the one thats on my workbench in my room . . . it gives a loud "phaser unit not attached" error message . . . and about half the time it falls into an infinite loop saying that until you rip out the power cell . . . I sure hope no one tries to use it, especially if they are trying to be stealthy! . . . "

::Sorry for the confusion, Powerman, I have a couple (read: way too many) 'corders (I collect and repair/cannibalize busted equipment) . . . the phaser stuff is on board. Still, have fun! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif ::

[narf poit chez BOOM]

[hoard of rats. still a lot here and there. and they like badly done singing. some of them are starting to improvise on the 'singing' their hearing.]

in an abondoned warehouse, 10 rats are singing 'juicy fruit, in a yellow subemarine'...badly.

[Raging Deadstar]

The Scene: The Grand dark halls of the Palace of Deadstar!

*The grand opaque black metal carvings and walls streach up into the void of darkness above him. Purple strip lights light little areas of these walls and grand carvings excavate into the floor. Hidden by a black robe sits the leader of the Deadstar Continuum, The godess. Her bright red hair gently falls from beneath the hood which hides her beautiful features. Her fishnet clad crossed legs poke from underneath the robe. A servent walks in, a clone of the Ex Kittie Bassist Talena Atfield and serves her a drink. Senator Deadstar nervously stands before her as she sips the beverage and relaxes into her throne.
"So what is the Status of the Continuum?" She asks, her voice sending a shiver up Raging Deadstars spine.
"My godess, We have encountered a New Race, apparently called the Galactic Federation. The only contact with these comes through a narcistic, trigger happy Captain called Jean Luc Le Grand Chat, our probe droid is currently on board and has reported he has a weakness for dancing sheep. We have allied ourselves with the true power of Fart Point, a wise man called Mac. With your approval the destruction of the TSSS Phongs Head is immenent!" The Goddess smiled underneath her hood, her manipulative mind quickly formutlating a plan.
"No, i suggest we monitor these beings a while longer, but they must not discover our Niridum Radioactive Extractors and the Brewery, they are vital to the next few stages of our expansion! No i suggest you keep a cloaked fleet of 3 Anathema's ready to intercept and destroy the ship but firstly capture and interrorgate a crew member, we need to learn more about this enemy!" Senator Deadstar nods and turns to leave the room knowing what rewards laid in wait of him if he were to suceed. He quickly orders the droid to capture one of the crew on board...*]

*On Board the Phongs Head the Probe droid is still under the hologram disguise of the ensign, he is currently sharing the lift with a science officer known as S'Katchoo. The hologram pushes the stop button and the lift shudders. The vulcan complains but the hologram disappears and the probe droid activates it's sonic disrupter by playing N*sync (or N*Suck) at high level volume. The Vulcan S'Katchoo falls to his knees and is administered a drug and the droid begins the process of interrorgating the crippled vulcan. It activates it's Electric Taser, it's chemical poisoning device and it's large trout and begins salpping the vulcan across the cheeks constantly*

"Firstly my Vulcan Friend, what are you doing at Fart Point?... And why is your eyebrow taped up?"

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Katchoo]

Science Officer S'Katchoo's head recoils from left to right as he continously gets slapped in the face with the trout.

*slap*slap*slap*

Droid: "What are you doing at Fart Point?"

*slap*slap*slap*

Mr. S'Katchoo: ".. must .. hold out ..."

*slap*slap*slap*

Mr. S'Katchoo: ".. fish .... tenderising face .."

*slap*slap*slap*

Mr. S'Katchoo: "... loosing self ... control .... getting .. aroused ....."

*slap*slap*slap*

An odd smile comes over Mr. S'Katchoo's face as his willpower (and panties) break.

Mr. S'Katchoo: ".. must seek .......... ale ... go bodly ........ cantina ......... before ...... shama-lama-ding-dong ..."

*slap*slap*slap*

Mr S'Katchoo: ".. slap it .... like you want it .... heeeeeeeeere fishy fishy fishy ..."

*slap*slap*slap*

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

[Power Man]

Power Man, follows the path back to the Re-Cover Room. Suddenly the tricorder shows several +2 rats between him and the Room.
He does a quick check, No this thing's not back in “Game mode”.
It is really “smelling a rat" out there.
Power Man thinks "I will sneak up on "Those Dirty Rats" and try out the Phaser program."

BEEP BEEP BEEP I’m Sorry but the program “Phaser” is not available at this time. Please try again later.
BEEP BEEP BEEP I’m Sorry but the program “Phaser” is not available at this time. Please try again later.
BEEP BEEP BEEP I’m Sorry but the program “Phaser” is not available at this time. Please try again later.

“STOP that. Quiet!! Oh NO here come the Rats MY WAY !!”

Power Man drop kicks the loud tricorder into the Rats stopping their charge, and also once again “re-Booting” the thing.
He quickly takes out his powerful phase pistol and ZAPS all of the rats. (Wait A Minute.. Do I smell cooking Tribble Wings?)

Power Man grabs the re-booted tricorder, enters the Re-cover Room and shuts the door behind him. He wakes up the two red shirts (who’s faces are finally back to normal). But he can’t seem to get a response from Gryphin. “I guess the “Old Bird” can’t hold his booze like the rest of us.

“Power Man to the Great, Powerful , etc. etc. etc., Captain Growltigga I have made it back to the Team. It appears that Taz has gone off “In Search Of” our Ale and that huge bar. Both seem to have disappeared.

Captain, I am going to take the team and do a through search of every nook and Crack of Fart Point.
We will explore the “dark and smelly” parts of Anus IV.
I hope to “Get to the Bottom of Things” and find out what trouble is “Brewing” around here.

Captain, Captain ?? Please respond. Captain ? …..”

“Oh Great. First Number 1 disappears and now the Captain goes “Postal-less”

Power Man has the two red shirts carry Gryphin (who is a light as a feather).
The team starts Treking deep into the Guts of Fart Point.

(growltigger, You haven’t posted in a bit What has happened to you?? Sheep get your tongue ??) http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

[Gryphin]

Guys, I can't keep up. I just don't have time to make the quality of post I would want to. I'll pop in now and then.

[Taz-in-Space]

25 armored and fleet of foot Britney Spears and Shania Twain Clones immediately set out to capture and bring to bay the oncoming furball.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Seeing the amazons close in, Taz sends Narf back to warn Powerman and the rest of the away team.

As for himself, he figures that this might be a chance to 'get to the bottom of things'. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Taz hides his weapon and stops spinning. Giving friendly hugs all around, he says, "Take Taz to paradise.., err I mean your leader!" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[David E. Gervais]

I, walk into the dimly lit bar and instinctively go to my regular table by the fake window with the fake rain,.. "Taz I'll have a nice cool glass of JD on the rocks, and put it on RD's tab."

..aaaaah, feels good to take a moment to relax. I thought this place was lost, I missed the name change and wondered where all the people went.

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Raging Deadstar]

Originally posted by growltigger:
Hmmmm, I guess a navigator is a bit of a luxory on this trip but when he re-surfaces, I nominate David Gervais as I think he could find his backside with both hands which is more than the rest of us, and as for a counsellor, I nominate Gryphin whenever he turns up to the party....
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Hey David. This place is no longer just a cantina my pixel pushing friend. Where you are now sitting is the lounge on board the coveted TSSS Phongs Head. I suggest you read the past 5-6 pages and catch up on whats happening, Of course if theres no desire to naviagte Tigga's ship you can always join the Deadstar Continuum and help us irradicate the Galactic Federation, but if boldly going where no artist has went before, drinking new beer and finding luscious alien girls to bonk is more your thing, go with Growltigga! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[Raging Deadstar]

*Senator Deadstar looks around in his control room as he watches Science Officer S'Katchoo get extremely aroused by getting fish slapped over and over again. Seeing this he pushes a few buttons and hopes the outcome will work..*

*The Probe droid floats over to the Vulcan and it's huge metal claw shoots out and impales S'katchoo to the wall by his neck. It then fires a poison dart at him and watches as the fast acting poison takes effect. The probe droid opens a hatch up and pulls out a ballerina's costume which he deposits on the floor. The droid lets go and reactivates it's hologram projector and the hologram ensign smiles as S'Katchoo puts the costume on over his uniform and pirouettes down the corridor before leaping away. Senator Deadstar smiles at the havoc the Vulcan could unleash. A few button presses later and the ensign disappears down the hallway, looking for someone more stable to interrorgate!*

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[mac5732]

The Armored Spears and Twain Clones latch on to the one team member that appears to be some type of carnivorous whirlwind. They attach manacles to his frame and proceed to lead him back to the fortress for interrotation. The poor creatchers appears to be drooling and salivatating from his profucious openings as he regards his captors. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Meanwhile, back at the fortress, the sharp Wisen one, advises his planet security to release the new mutated Rat forms, the ones which carry Lexington IX's. The new transmorganizer ray weapons. They immediatly head towards the 2nd landing team member, the one in the strange looking power suit....

In addition, a smallish type hollow beam is inserted thru the screens and armor of the waiting ship, the special essance of methane squad quickly releases a new mixture of essance into the ship's quarters to record the reactions of those on board... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[David E. Gervais]

Originally posted by Raging Deadstar:
...but if boldly going where no artist has went before, drinking new beer and finding luscious alien girls to bonk is more your thing, go with Growltigga! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">aaaah the grass is always greener in GT's camp...

I'm now setting a course to planet Minogue2 where we will all be able to take a tour of the Kylie Clone Factory. Once we get there, remember the red zone is for the imediate loading and unloading of Kylie Clones only, Please keep on the yellow path through the factory.

I have a nifty new gadget to help me navigate, it's called a 'Warp-Point Generator Mark-V' It allows me to open a warp point to anywhere in the known universe. (I would have purchased a Mark-X but that model opens a warp-point to anywhere in the UnKnown Universe [and randomly at that] So the Mark-V is much safer for a rookie navigator like myself http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Cheers!

[Growltigger]

The camera pans over an orbital view of the swirling methane clouds of Anus IV. The camera pans out to reveal the sleek but battered lines of the TSSS Phong's Head, navigation lights twinkling in the darkness of space.

Captain Slog stardate 13.54 GMT, the facade of the TSSS Phong's Head being a rustbucket has gone on long enough, we are at battle stations, it is time to de-cloak and reveal our true selves...

Space shimmers and the TSSS Phong's Head is now revealed as the most be-weaponed, tough, vicious and all-out nastiest starcruiser in the history (or future) of galactic warfare.. the "go-faster stripes", fluffy dice hanging off the nacelles and quad exhausts just go to highlight the multiple turrets and launchers....... and the flashing lights of the disco kicking off in Ten Forward

Captain to Lieutenant Commander Power Man, good man, flattery gets you everywhere, keep up the good work. We need to get to the bottom of the mystery of Fart Point. I suspect collusion from the evil Dead Star Continuumumumumu......

Power Man, try and find out what has happended to the other members of the away team... I am aware that Guinan, I mean Taz has been kidnapped, and we are currently checking the starship for intruders as Mr S'Katchoo has obviously been interfered with (and wont stop grinning anyhow).....

Where is my first officer? I need him to hold the fort whilst I launch a counter strike against the nasty old bugger in his fortress......

Security, assemble the martial horde of Salma Hayek and Liv Tyler lookalike security personell, make sure they are armed "for bear" and meet me in the transporter room...

Captain Growltigga puts on his super-duper impregnable powered armour suite, and grabs his trusty cricket bat which doubles as a phaser cannon....

Suddenly, alarms go off round the ship "Awooga Awooga, small hollow beam trying to stick methane into the TSSS Phong's Head". GT and the security force charge to wear the beam has struck, and using the beam as ingress, transport into the mountain fortress of the evil Mac....

The Federation assault company materialises in a strange dark undergorund auditorium. Mac is sitting in his command chair in front of a circle of sand, kind of like the bullfighting arena at Ronda........

Mac panics when he sees the Federation troops and the mighty Growltigga.. He hits the sprinkler system which turns the sand into a sea of mud..... he calls for reinforcements and a horde of Liz Hurley, Britney Spears and Shania Twain clones rush into the auditorium......

Growltigga sees his moment, and orders his troops to charge..... the camera pans back (kind of like that bit in the Fellowship of the Ring when the goblins are chasing the fellowship in Moria) as the legions of Liz Hurley, Shania Twain, Britney Spears, Salma Hayek and Liv Tyler lookalikes charge towards each other screaming and yelling through the mud...

Growltigga also seees his moment and pulls out a disrupt-o bomb. This explodes with the effect of disintegrating all the weaponry and clothing the girls have.....

"So" Growltigga says as he sidles up to Mac, "what we have is about 2,000 assorted beauties rolling about in mud wrestling with each other and all stark naked"...."Yep" says Mac

"Damn good isn't it" says Growltigga, "this is why I joined Starfleet"

The chaps gaze on silently at the truly beautiful sight in front of them......

[Power Man]

Power Man and his Team are winding their way deep into the Guts of Fart Point.

"Power Man to Captain Growltigga: Thanks for the Promotion. You have really Raised My Spirits. "
I would like you to beam poor Gryphin directly to six bay. It seams that he is not recovering from all of his hard work. I know that the "Good Doctor" may get upset when he sees the "Old Bird".
He will probably say something like "Darn It folks I am a Doctor, Not a VET!!" But with this crew, doctor and vet are the same thing."
With that, Gryphin is beamed back to the ship.

Suddenly the tricorder shows 20 "+10 Large Brewery Rats" approaching the Team. "OK Team spread out. Set your phasers to "Full ZAP" and "fire at Will" (good thing Will is not here).
The rats surprise the team when they start firing Back!
Their strange rays hit the two red Shirts (who else?? Certainly not me, I am a Regular Character!! )

The two red shirts are transformed into Pink shirts. They start mincing about, and complaining about the terrible room décor and the smelly rats (who they continue to ZAP).

They are hit again. This time they transform into Yellow shirts. They start Screaming and running all around. They leave yellow puddles every where. They start Zapping everything.

They are hit again. This time they are turned into Very large Green Shirts. With a booming "HO HO HO"
They happily start stomping the Rats into "Ratta ca-Blooie". Boy do they look all Jolly, Green, and Giant.
Soon all the Rats are gone. The team continues on.

They finally reach the Deepest Darkest smelliest Pit at Fart Point.
"Captain: We have found something. We are just outside of a large Pit. We can see several large machines that appear to be penetrating deeply into Anus IV. The tricorder is picking up high levels of radioactivity."
Captain I can see "Dead People Walking" around the machines. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif
You are right there is collusion from the evil "Dead Star Continuumumumumu...... "

Captain I think Fart Point is being used to mine radioactives. As a "buy"-product it produces huge amounts of methane and many types of alcoholic beverages that the Old Farts are selling at the " fake Brewery".

There is so little light and power down here I can't see much more. If there was only a way to "shed some light on the subject" we could quickly wrap up this whole episode.

I am glad that you and the Major have opened up a dialogue. Nothing like "2000 assorted beauties rolling about in mud wrestling with each other and all stark naked" to get two chaps wanting a little "piece - I mean- peace" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[ May 12, 2003, 16:57: Message edited by: Power Man ]

[Growltigger]

Captain Growltigga to Brigadier General Imperator of the Universe and Il Duce of the Galaxy Power Man. You can have all the promotions you want... if you see that mayor, tell him to come on down to Mac's cavern, the view down here is just fantastic...

and as for violence, how on earth could any red-blooded male consider brawling with his enemies when he is viewing Salma Hayek holding Britney Spears in a half nelson, whilst Shania Twain and Liv Tyler and entwined in what I think is a old phoenician wrestling hold and Liz Hurley is rubbing her inner thighs where Liv Tyler kicked her.... and all this repeated about 400 times.....

Mac and me are enjoying a moment of entente cordial..... as well as a couple of good brewskis...

Growltigga to Phong's Head, stand down from red alert, go to yellow alert and send me down my video-recorder

[narf poit chez BOOM]

uh, taz did not kidnap me. he kidnapped one of my rats. narf, as i should have posted before, left the planet after selling all his pet rats. when he gets back he's going to be real mad about the mistreatment of his rats too. i mean, TRIBBLE WINGS? these are gentle pets! and turning some of them into geneticly engineered attack rats...

[Taz-in-Space]

...Watching from his cell overlooking Mac's auditorium, Taz has a ringside seat to Mac's & GT's Mud Fight of the Century! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Making good use of the cell's replicator, Taz creates a few boxes of popcorn, a couple bottles of liquid refreshment, a pair of high power binoculars, and a stereo set playing the Rocky III theme song. (Unfortunately he shorts out the unit trying to replicate a sofa http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif )

Nothing better then being there while history is being made! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

when he gets back he's going to be real mad about the mistreatment of his rats too. i mean, TRIBBLE WINGS? these are gentle pets! and turning some of them into geneticly engineered attack rats...<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Now wait a sec. At no time, while filming this episode, has Taz harmed a single animal. Taz merely converted their allegiance -
See? No worse than your average politician. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

taz will get one whack, then

[Growltigger]

Growltigga and Mac whisper to each other for a few moments, before nodding and reaching agreement.

With a flamboyant wave, Mac triggers again the sprinkler system and turns on a supersized stereo with some cool flamenco and salsa tunes on it....

The mud is washed off the brawling horde of beeeeyewwwwwtiful young ladies as they continue to scrap in the wet....

Mac and Growltigga turn to each other and shake hands, a treaty is reached and the Galactic Federation, and Mac, Galactic Overlord of Fart Point are now the best of chums......

Now all we need is a triumphal party, we have the music, we, ahem, have dancing partners..., we have a planet full of top booze, thanks to Taz and Narf we have stacks of kentucky fried rodent, we have managed to lose that daft first officer of mine, Mr Ryker, I mean Mr Dogscoff, what else could we possibly need?

[dogscoff]

we have a planet full of top booze, thanks to Taz and Narf we have stacks of kentucky fried rodent, we have managed to lose that daft first officer of mine, Mr Ryker, I mean Mr Dogscoff, what else could we possibly need?
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Dogscoff, suddenly and temporarily recovered, teleports in with a crate of "stayalert" stimulant pills and a bucket of viagra.

[Growltigger]

Captain Growltigga activates his teleportation redirection field... Commander Dogscoff is immediately redirected to the Fart Point Homes for Aging Ladies of the Night.....

The said ladies, deprived of any, ahem, business for quite a while and suffering from several years of sensory deprivation, are duped into believing that Commander Dogscoff is actually a good looking chap clutching a large amount of viagra....

Camera fades to ending credits for Episode 1 Encounter at Fart Point amid the sounds of Commander Dogscoff being pounced upon by some right old minging boilers!!

What's the next episode "No loo roll - the TSSS PHong's Head encounters the Klingons"?

[David E. Gervais]

I just had a generous helping of Beans, Italian Saussage, Eggs and Cheeze, and I now have gas. But that's alright, I'll fit right in here at FartPoint. I just hope that the air filtering pumps don't get damaged.

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

[Growltigger]

Post 200, end of "Encounter at Fart Point"

Da deeeee dah dah dah dah dah dahhhhhhh
cue sight of TSSS PHong's Head zipping past the screen very fast
cue credits and still pictures of the following

Captain Growltigga in combat suit looking heroic
Mac and GT watching the clones naked mud wrestling brawl
Commander Power Man fighting the rats
Taz drunk and fast asleep on bunk
Growltigga issuing orders on bridge
another picture of the clones fighting
Mr S'Katchoo barbecuing on the bridge
Captain Growltigga looking clever and intelligent
Mr Dogscoff being assaulted by the aging hookers
Gryphin looking at his cleavage in amazement

end credits.... cue adverts, cue trailer for the next episode......

"Space, the final frontier..... these are the voyages of the TSSS Phong's Head, on its 5 year mission to boldly go boldly where no bold man has gone before boldly...."

PS in true Star Trek style, I think we need an episode where we worry about the personal problems of one of the crew, rather than kill aliens and all that...

how about an episode revolving round Mr Power Man's haemmoroids?

[ May 13, 2003, 18:08: Message edited by: growltigger ]

[narf poit chez BOOM]

episode two will include narf's revenge and a big fight with barry. in the meantime,

all the rat bones, being toons, move around, attach themselves together and stalk off backstage.

next episode, maybe pet snakes?

[Gryphin]

Pooh Star is even more amazed at my cleavage.

[Erax]

For episode two, why not "Skatchoo's Brain" ? It does begin with an encounter with an unknown ship full of young women...

...It's also supposed to be the worst Star Trek episode of all time. I'd say it's perfect for us.

You can find the episode synopsis here. (http://www.starfleetlibrary.com/tos/tos3/spocks_brain.htm)

[narf poit chez BOOM]

i liked the way at the end spock was telling mccoy if what he had done worked.

[Katchoo]

Wow, I don't think i've ever seen that episode before... Although after reading the synopsis I can understand why it would suck http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

We could mix the episode with that Steve Martin movie with all the transplanted brains?

Frankly, any episode where I don't have to hide my constant drooling problem would be fine with me.

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

[Kamog]

The silliest thing about that episode was Scotty not knowing how there could possibly be light underground when there's no sun. The Chief Engineer has no clue what a light bulb is.

The other dumb thing was the remote control McCoy made to control Spock's body. It has about 4 buttons that have functions which are something like this: (1) walk forward (2) stop (3) turn right (4) grapple with nearby humanoid and take away their weapon.

[TerranC]

Lets have an episode where everybody gets cloned and gets fused with each other in an transporter accident.

We'll call it Skatnarf.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

lets not.

[Kamog]

How about the episode where the Captain falls in love with a female alien? (Yeah, just like every episode.) Or the one where there's a planet exactly like earth, but it is run by Romans or gangsters or Nazis or something? Or the one where the ship goes back in time by flying around the sun really fast? Or the one where everybody gets some alien disease which causes them to either mutate or grow old or act crazy? Or the one where there's a parallel universe in which the alternate crew members have beards and they're evil?

[mac5732]

Ahh, the Wizened Old Mac, sits back and continues to watch the ahem, gyrations etc, of the clones of Episode one. He replays the film footage over and over again..... Ah the Tigga definitly knows how to close out a chapter... oh ya he mutters as a LH clone puts a Britney Spears clone in a most revealing position of seduction.... (sweat pours from Mac's torso and he reaches for his defibulator switch to turn up the power http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif ) he continues to watch as he waits for the next episode to begin

In addition he looks on with amazement at the Gryphins "new additions" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif and he wonders how they will get along with his Pseudo-life form symbiot wooly bear which lives upon his upper lip.
hopefully the poor little thing won't become confused to the point he starts radiating or oozing some type of secreation or puts on a new Custer hat http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Erax]

Cap'n, we're all waitin' here for ye ta roll the opening credits for the episode of yer choice.

Taz, send me a beer and a haggis sandwich for while I wait.

[dogscoff]

I like the idea of seeing you lot sporting goatee beards (I already have one- does that make me evil?) so I have unilaterally decreed that the next episode shall be:
Minger, Minger

Here (http://www.ericweisstein.com/fun/startrek/MirrorMirror.html)'s the episode we're sending up, and for the colonially-challenged, here (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=minger) is a definition of the word "minger". (It's pronounced to rhyme with "winger", not "ginger".)

[Power Man]

Can we chose to be the Good or the Bad Version?

It will be just the girls that are ugly right??

[narf poit chez BOOM]

there is only one narf. any non-narf's in blue suits will be hammered on sight.

[Kamog]

We get to be in whichever universe where the girls are pretty, right?

[geoschmo]

Spock's Brain was bad, but I think the worst one I ever saw was the one where Kirk got body snatched by the female scientist. Remember this was during the 60's. That episode was so bad it set the women's lib movement back decades and by some accounts was directly responsioble for the failure of the passage of the ERA amendment. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Watching Bill Shatner pretending to be a woman was just disturbing. [shudder]

[Kamog]

Another really bad one was the one where Spock is overcome by urges and he has to return to Vulcan. It turns out that Vulcans live in a rather primitive way on their planet even though they are supposed to be so advanced technologically. Spock and Kirk have to go through this ritual combat to the death, and there's the usual unconvincingly dramatic fight scene.

[mac5732]

OT for just a sec. anyone here going to Origins in Columbus, Oh, in June? Shrapnel is going to have a booth there, just wondering, I'll probably go as its only a 2hr drive

just some ideas Mac

[Taz-in-Space]

Taz reluctantly dons his Guinen outfit and resumes his duties in Ten Forward.

Ordered by Erax: A beer and a Haggis sandwich.

Taz serves Erax the beer and (Ugg) his Haggis sandwich.
"Do you know what is in that? How about a nice plate of Tribble Wings instead?" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

What is a haggis: http://www.electricscotland.com/haggis/haggis1.html

As Taz waits for the next episode to begin, he pulls out a rag and begins to polish the bar...

[ May 15, 2003, 05:58: Message edited by: Taz-in-Space ]

[narf poit chez BOOM]

lol. and i thought it was oatmeal in a sheeps stomach!

[Growltigger]

End opening credits and still shots of heroic Captain Growltigga looking macho and well, just plain heroic.....

Camera pans left to shot of TSSS Phong's Head zipping along through space (if you look closely enough, you can see the wires)....

Captain Slog, Stardate 13.01.15.05.03 GMT, despite our entente cordial and mutual appreciation of the female clone mud-wrestling-wet-look-nude-all-in-wahey-event, I have been unable to convince the Fart Point Council to allow the Galactic Federation to mine dilithium crystals on their planet, but I have been successful in securing galaxy-wide distribution rights for "Old Regurgitator", their strongest and finest ale. That's the pension sorted out anyway...

However, when we were beamed back to Phong's Head, I noticed a slight fault in our transporter system, possibly caused by the methane storms surrounding Fart Point...

The crew of the Phong's Head are strange, for a start, everybody has stupid goatee beards, even the girls, and my first officer, always a bit of an effete ponce, is now walking round flexing his biceps (for what it is worth) and acting like a right pratt.. I am worried that the transporter problem has beamed us to another dimension where the crew of the Phong's Head are a bunch of strange tee-totla pacificts and mincing queens.. also, every body seems to have ginger hair.. I might have to rename the ship the TSSS Ginger Minger at this rate...

Something must be up, I am sure that the transporter man blew my first officer a kiss when we beamed up, there doesn't appear to be a real man (or real woman) for that matter in the whole crew

I have asked the away team to investigate......

[geoschmo]

(Let me officially declare my displeasure at the choice of topics for this episode. But beign a dedicated professional fake actor I will do my best to play the role as written. But I expect you will be hearing from my agent at contract renewel time. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif )

[comunicator beep]
Mccoy: Yoooo-hoooo! Captain Gt! You big stud cat you. I heard you had returned from your away mission. Now you get tail down to sick bay pronto handsome. I need to do a complete physical exame on you and make sure you didn't pick up any nasty alien bugs. I'm waaaiting.......

[ May 15, 2003, 13:53: Message edited by: geoschmo ]

[Erax]

Originally posted by Taz-in-Space:
Taz serves Erax the beer and (Ugg) his Haggis sandwich.
"Do you know what is in that? How about a nice plate of Tribble Wings instead?"<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I know all about haggis, in fact in Brazil we have a similar dish except it's a goat instead of a sheep.

Anyway...

Erax looks at his console in Engineering and sees
a blinking light. "What the... Transporters are doon ? Gotta fix that !" He dives into the ship's innards and finds a bundle of components that have been duct-taped together. "Curse that Kamog and his tape !" He jiggles the components and a loud beeping alarm is heard. He comes out, kills the alarm, turns off Transporter power and goes back in again.

'I hope no one was using the Transporters right just now', he thinks to himself.

[dogscoff]

meanwhile, back in the normal dimension, the anti-dogscoff has materialised aboard the real TSSS Phong's Head. Shagged out after an eventful away-trip, he heads to the bar.

"If I may ask, sir, how is it you have 2 goatees?" inquires a passing crewman.
Before anti-dogscoff can answer, the crewman accidentally spills beer all over him.

For a moment, anti-'scoff just looks at the spilled mess. Then he looks back up at the crewman. The crewman quivers and starts to apologise.
"Don't worry about it" says anti-dogscoff "I've got to get changed anyway. But first let me mop this up for you.

The crewman is amazed. "Aren't you going to feed me to Barry or some kind of hideous, city-devouring sea-monster? Or have me hacked into millions of tiny pieces from the inside by a horde of beserk micro-ninja?"
Anti-dogscoff just laughs. "No, No. Here, let me buy you another drink, although you really shouldn't drink beer- alcohol is very bad for you. How about a nice herbal tea instead?"

The crewman calls for security...

[ May 15, 2003, 16:05: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[Ruatha]

Well beam me up Scotty.
How do one finds 10 forward here to get some free drinks?

Ruatha looks around with the view that has seen more than 1000 Posts pass by. An experianced person these days!

Aint I great or what?? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

so the real phong's head is the evil one? make sence. now lets see...

narf, after interviewing a few citicens of fartpoint, learns about what happened to most of his rats. taking of an the trail of his rats, he draws steadily closer to the phong's head, who's rampage he is determined to stop.

[Raging Deadstar]

*As the Phongs Head is travelling along 5 cloaked Deadstar Continuum Battleships materialise surrounding the Phong's Head. They move into intercept positions and open fire, with the combined fire of all 5 ships shield depleters the Phong's heads shields are left low, if not destroyed. On Board the Captain Leyasu receives his orders and prepares to give his proposal to the crew...*

*The Phong's Head's viewscreen bursts into colour as a Deadstar Captain appears on it, looking very evil, he looks around at the bemused crew of the phong's head and notices the strange looking man with the goatee standing before him. The captain looks around, no sign of the captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat. Just someone who looks like a non-sentient lifeform, well with that GOATEE It seemed he was, and why did he look like he had something shoved up his back hole?.*

"Greetings TSSS Phongs Head, I captain Leyasu of the Deadstar demand you remove your ship from Claimed Deadstar space. Failure to do so shall result in the swift destruction of your ship. You have 1 day to comply or you will be annexed! Refuse and prepare the caskets for your arrival!"

*The Viewscreen knocks off and the entire crew of good looking gothic women burst into hysterics of the sight of the first officer with the goatee. The video is saved and sent around the deadstar continuum to be displayed as propaganda against the enemy, for now the galactic federation has been resoundingly humiliated. With the 5 cruisers tri cobalt torpedoes locked on they await the first officers decision!*

[narf poit chez BOOM]

narf reaches the phong's head and begins to bang on the cargo bay door with a hammer. the doors bulge inward and split, narf goes inside, and a forcefield generated by the phongs head snaps into place behind him. narf starts heading towards a door, then a tyrranosaurus kicks him in the side. narf slams against the wall and drops into a crouch. grasping his hammer tightly, he slams the tyranno in the side, knocking 30 feet it into a wall. the t-rex, only shaken up, charges...

[Erax]

Let's stop a minute and see where everyone is.

We have the Captain and Scoffo on the Minger Phong and the Minger Scoffo and presumably the Minger Captain on the original Phong. Erax is on the original Phong, but I will also play Minger Erax in the Minger Universe as needed. (play both your characters, get twice the fun the price of one !)

Narf is on the original Phong, about to become a snack for Barry (I don't even want to THINK what Minger Barry looks like). http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

RD may be attacking either Phong.

Power Man and Taz were on the away team, they are probably in the Minger Universe.

OK, back to the show...

[narf poit chez BOOM]

snack? i don't think so. just as soon as i get back, that t-rex doesn't stand a chance.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

reserved. brain fried.

[Kamog]

The computer is reading a damaged door in cargo bay 2...

Kamog goes down to investigate, his handy roll of Duct Tape in hand. ...Hey, what's that tyrannasaurus rex doing in the cargo bay?? No problem, take this! - uh, oh, where's my hand phaser? (Checks his utility belt - no luck.)

Kamog goes to the control panel on the wall and touches some buttons. The huge cargo bay door starts to open, and there's a sudden rush of air blowing out into space. Some cargo containers fly out into open space, and the T-rex is sucked against the opening. Kamog grabs Commander Narf and quickly pulls him out of the Cargo Bay.

[Taz-in-Space]

Taz/Guinen in Ten Forward has noticed something is different since he came back to the ship - for one thing almost nobody is ordering any alcoholic drinks! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif
However trade is Brisk on tea. Same goes for lemonade and Sarsaparilla. And (horrors) is that coffee being served to Ensign Starbuck? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

Another funny thing is all those goatees everybody has on. Even a few of the women are sporting them. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif
And somebody just asked ME why I shaved mine off!
A goatee on a TAZ?? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

Taz decides to wait a little and see what else might be a 'little funny!' http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

[Growltigger]

Back on the real TSSS Phong's Head, the bridge is silent as they gave at the viewscreen showing the scrappy Deadstar warships...

The doors to the captain's ready room open and minging Captain Jean Luc Le Pouffe Celebre sidles out onto the bridge, wearing a ginger goatee beard, an all in one lycra shipsuit, earrings and clutching, for some strange reason, a bunch of daffodils..

"ooooh, dont shoot at us again you nasty man" says the fey mincing ladyboy, "we are leaving deadstar space right away, Mr Helmsman, ooh your nice, come to my briefing room later, I mean, set course for starbase 5, warp 3 (I dont like going any faster, it ruffles my nasal hairs), engage"

The TSSS Phong's Head performs a nippy looking U turn, engine nacelles fire up and it zips off into the stars, leaving Fart Point to the mercy of the Deadstar Continuumumumum....

Back on the TSSS Ginger Minger, the real Captain Growltigga is having a bit of a mare, he cannot find a single drop of booze on the damn ship, and to make things worse, when he asked the pretty young engineering ensign with the large zero gravity ghazoobas to come to the reasy room, the poor ginger moron freaked out and feinted.. "Damn" thins the Captain, "this ship is meant to be the party capital of the galaxy, as well as the meanest starship to boot, something strange is going on, there must have been a transporter error which beamed us into another dimension where everybody is a tee total ginger bearded pacifist, I must get engineering sorted out"

Captain to the non-ginger Versions of Commander Dogscoff, Mr Power Man and Guinan/Taz - please report to my ready room, please bring your phaser pistols, some pLastic explosive and a baseball bat with a few 6 inch nails banged through it

PS Note to Kamog, when I get back to the real dimension, you are going to get royally whipped, abused and demoted - NOBODY and I MEAN NOBODY spaces Barry the T Rex.

Are you not aware that Barry is our head of security aboard the Phong's Head, but because he weighs 12 tons and is 60 foot long, he has to live in the cargo bay???!!!! Narf is a rodent like alien invader and should therefore be phasered on sight, not invited on board, rescued and promoted to "Commander"!! ooohh, are you going to get the worst I can think of!

[ May 16, 2003, 08:40: Message edited by: growltigger ]

[dogscoff]

The real dogscoff reports to the transporter room for a debriefing from the Captain. As 'Tig explains the parallel universe situation, 'scoff comes to an interesting conclusion...

"So there is a parallel universe where everyone I know exists, but has a beard and a totally different personality.
I wonder what other universes are out there, waiting to be discovered?"

Dogscoff looks at the transporter.

"Somewhere, there must be a universe where entire planets are made of beer. And one where I am undisputed Emporer of the Galaxy. And one where the only item of female attire permissible is a thin, virtually transparent coating of strawberry jam..."

Dogscoff immediately begins adjusting various switches and sliders, re-configuring the transporter for inter-dimensional travel.

[ May 16, 2003, 09:48: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[Growltigger]

Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat, actually terrified for once at what Commander Dogscoff's inept fumblings may do, pulls out his trusty phaser, sets it to "max sting" and shoots Commander Dogscoff in the buttocks...

"Stop that you idiot" shouts the burly heroic captain "we want to get back to our proper dimension, not fumble round other dimensions which could we worse than this one.. given the appalling gingerness and minginess of the crew of this ship, imagine what our useless counterparts are getting up on the Phong's Head! by god, they could be running away from Deadstar ponces, abusing each other and banning alcohol on the ship! get a grip man, we have to return but if it makes you feel better, I shall see what can be done about enforcing a "thin layer of strawberry jam" only uniform on board (for the girls only I stress), Taz, you are the only sensible one on this away team, double check the transporter and let us beam ourselves bacvk to where we belong"

[Erax]

Minger Erax wanders into the transporter room just as Taz and the Captain are about to start readjusting the controls and nearly spills his banana-flavored hot chocolate.

"Oooh sorry Captain, I didn't know you were in here, you nearly killed me."

He then notices what the two of them are up to.

"Let me do that, please, it took ages for me to set up a pretty personalized desktop on the transporter panel, with cute animals and everything. Now what was it that you wanted ?"

[Gryphin]

:: Looks down at my cleavage ::
I would like to get back to my former dimensions too.
Doc, that is enough "testing" of my Chest. Go malest one of the nurses.

[Power Man]

Power Man is a bit dazed by the rough Beam Back. He can’t seem to find his way to the bridge. It is all most like this is a different ship !!
He finally makes it back to his post.
He is surprised by what he finds. The controls are all Wrong! The ship speeds are Slow, Mince, Swish, Prance, Skip, and Scurry Away !!
The phaser settings are Warm, Fuzzy, Tickle, Pinch, and Slap !!
“I don’t even want to Think what the settings are for the PEE tube.”

Taking out his Comm unit Power Man calls the Captain. Captain Growltigga something is Not Right here.

I just heard a message from the FCC. (taken by the Comm Oficer who is being played by a PLastic Blow up Man with a silly goatee.) You have been ordered to secure the mining rights from “Those Old Farts” by noon tomorrow. If not you are ordered to “just Tickle them till it hurts.”

I will meet you in your Ready room. I have my phaser Captain. But all I can find around here is Silly Putty and pLastic Wiffel Ball Bats. They only have 6 inch Fake Finger Nails !!

(Sorry folks but I have had a few (Real Life) problems come up and may be only a “supporting character” for this episode. I will try to keep up with the story and chime in when I can. )

[narf poit chez BOOM]

narf asks kamog about his rats. kamog, being helpfull, tells him about his rats. narf, being nice in thanks for the information, uses knockout gas, since as far as he knows kamog didn't do anything to his rats. he then proceeds down the cooridor, knocking random crewmen into disks. and narf is not a rat. narf sells pet rats. and pinky is a mouse. my cantina avatar is a guy in a blue suit.

[Kamog]

Going back into Cargo Bay 2, Kamog notices the T-rex still caught in the bay doors. Uh, oh, I can't close the doors now because that would crush the dinosaur. I know, I'll use the transporter to move him into Cargo Bay 1.

Kamog runs to Cargo Bay 1, clears a large area in the center of the room, and hits some buttons on the transporter control panel. The T-rex disappears from Cargo Bay 2... and a bearded Barry appears in Cargo Bay 1. What? What's going on? I'm sure he didn't have a beard a minute ago... oh, well, whatever.

Kamog goes to 10 Forward to have dinner. ... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif There's something different about the waitresses today... why do all the Kylie Clone FBW's have goatees now? Ugh!

[Taz-in-Space]

Posted by Growltigger:
Taz, you are the only sensible one on this away team, double check the transporter and let us beam ourselves back to where we belong"
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">As Taz is about to follow orders he is interrupted by Minger Erax. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif
Even a Taz has his limits and when M-Erax turns away to sip his hot chocolate; Taz breaks out his trusty gyroscope-equipped titanium-coated baseball bat and whacks M-Erax with it!

Satisfied that M-Erax will be counting stars for some time to come, Taz proceeds to fix the #%&*! transporter.
First that desktop theme has got to go. Taz considers using the bat once again, but settles for resetting the system to win-doze standard...
...Some time later Taz reports to the captain that the transporter is ready to go. (And Taz MORE than ready to go...)

Oh, and I have set remote beam-out for Power Man who reported to your ready room (as ordered) instead of meeting you here! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

must use better knockout gas next time.

[Kamog]

In 10 Forward, Kamog sits down and orders a pizza. When the Kylie Clone FBW comes around to his table... "Hmm, that beard can't be real", Kamog thinks to himself. He reaches out and tugs on FBW's goatee. It doesn't come off. The angry FBW spins around and swiftly lands a devastating karate kick on Kamog's stomach, and Kamog is thrown clear across the room, hitting a brick wall (which is there for some reason). Pieces of brick go flying in all directions, and as Kamog crumples to the floor, a nice crater-like imprint is left on the wall.

...The badly bruised Kamog slowly gets up and limps away to sick bay. Ow ow ow, I hope I haven't broken any bones...

[Taz-in-Space]

...Time in this Minger dimension must be variable. It seems like over two days has gone by since I FIXED THE TRANSPORTER... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

[ May 19, 2003, 04:29: Message edited by: Taz-in-Space ]

[Raging Deadstar]

*Captain Leyasu quickly looks around his attractive crew, stopping at the wepaons officer who he finds extremely attractive. He suddenly snaps out of the trance and watches as the Real Jean Luc Le grand Chat bursts onto the bridge with his crew and begins a full phaser fight. Mnay of the red shirt ensigns take sides with the captain they believe is true. (Well think about it, GT has orange fur! A ginger beard won't show up to well, so it's mainly the short sighted ensigns, though they probably have better aim than your average red shirt)
Leyasu notices the end is coming and Jean Luc le Grand Chat commanding someone to fire the Torpedoes! Leyasu quickly orders the ships to retreat leaving the battle harden woemn upset and the ones who want to live a couple of days more pleased. The five anathema battlecruisers quickly cloak and disappear leaving behind them a couple of mines equipped with giant explosive boxing gloves as a leaving present as they hit warp 5 and bLast off towards the borders of Deadstar space!*

[narf poit chez BOOM]

narf takes off with his rats.
(narf go by-by. yeah, your making the sensitive christian uncomfortable.)

[ May 19, 2003, 21:56: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[Power Man]

Power Man is happy to be back on the correct Phong’s Head. (It is the correct one? Right Captain??).
Taking out his phaser he goes “In Search Of “ the Pansy power man.
He is found hiding in the WC.

“OH MY!! His suit is a wimpy paisley blue with hot pink stripes. “

Pansy power man cries out: “Don’t hurt me. I want to go home. This ship is Nasty. The controls are wrong, the turbolifts are mean, everyone laughs at my goatee, and I can’t find my way around……

SLAP SLAP The Real Power Man says, “There that shut him/me up. “

The real Power Man bundles the pansy up and takes him to the transporter.
Before Power Man sends him back he tells the pansy, ”Your Federation is doomed to End in ruin.
If you wise up and stop being such a pansy you can save yourself and the Federation.
One Man can make a difference. Be That Man!” Get rid of those silly pink stripes.
As he is beamed back the pansy says he will “sleep on it”.

Power Man returns to the Bridge. Captain I have returned the ginger bearded pansy power man to his ship.
Sitting down at the controls Power Man sets the ships phasers to “sweep” and destroys the mine “presents” that were left by the Deadstar ships.

Captain I think I can get the course those ships were on when they cloaked. Our “eagle eye” scanners were still on. They were able to track them as they left.

(By the Way Taz I really like your new avatar.)