Ye Olde Phong's Head Cantina and Bierkeller - The rebirth

[dogscoff]

Mead? Did someone say mead?

A shabby lump in the corner (that everyone had assumed was a pile of old barmats) stirs to life. It's dogscoff- he allows his mug to be filled.

"Can't have mead without boar."

*dogscoff drags a squealing boar from under the table and slaughters it. Then he stuffs an apple in its mouth and places it on a skewer above a freshly-ignited pile of furniture.

[Growltigger]

Hmmmm, this is not good. I go away for three weeks, come back from holiday, and find that the only amusing things to happen in the cantina is an assault of killer bee's, and the laughable thought that Rollo could get anywhere near Famke Jansen..

GT takes a large club, walks over to Rollo, takes off his little viking helmet and proceeds to repeatedly whack the hirsute German over the noggin shouting "Famke is mine, she is mine, get your nasty Teutonic hands off her, she is mine"

[dogscoff]

*dogscoff is torn. Should he come to Rollo's aid in a gesture of norse solidarity, or assist his old friend/business partner/employer/arch-nemesis Growltigga?

He decides to compromise, and beats the both of them across the skull with a steaming, half-eaten leg of roast boar.

[ September 22, 2003, 11:45: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[Rollo]

As Rollo is crashing through the walls of the cantina and hurled outside, only three words can be heard:
"Ahl be bakk!"

[ September 22, 2003, 13:39: Message edited by: Rollo ]

[Growltigger]

Hee hee, you may well be Rollo but I have just loaded my super new food fighting projectile hand cannon with a magazine of armour piercing high velocity heat seeking bratwursts!!

You may be back, but you will be going through that wall again shortly thereafter

[mac5732]

the old wize one, sitting at his favorite table, indulging in his favorite cuisine, notices the food fight going on among the various members, hmm, looks interesting he remarks.. he pushes his call button and a LH clone mozies over and he places his request. The LH clone leaves and goes into a back room behind the bar.....

Shortly thereafter, out from various hidden recesses within the cantina's walls, suspicious looking wide muzzles protrude upon the scene of mayhem within the precincts of the establishment.

A whooooooshhhhhhinnnngggg sound emits thru the attmosphere and each of those menacing mancinations erupts with cream pies and large trouts, indulating GT, Rollo (before he got to the door), dogscoff and the rest of the members present in a gooey, sticky and smelly mundane of pies and large trouts. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

a relaxing Mac http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

[Erax]

Erax peeks out from behind Rollo's mead barrel... "Uh oh, the Boss is back, better straighten everything up before he gets REALLY mad." He pulls out a Bar Trek communicator and hurriedly mutters something into it.

A few minutes later, the doors in the back of the Cantina open and a horde of Salma Hayek, Britney Spears, Liv Tyler, Liz Hurley and Kristanna clones dressed in french-maid costumes hurries out and begins to clean, dust and straighten everything up.

"Don't forget the Boss", Erax calls out while sampling Rollo's mead...

[Erax]

Ooo, cream pie fight !

Erax grabs a passing Britney clone with his free hand. "Hey Mac, be a good fellow and point the cream pie gun this way, lemon-flavored please !"

[mac5732]

Erax, your wish is my command http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Old Mac gives the order to a LH clone and all the barrels in the wall point at poor or Erax, wwhhooooooosh

Erax is pelted with creamy Lemon cream pies from head to toe.... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

mac

[Erax]

Erax and the Britney clone fall to the floor under a mountain of lemon-flavored cream.
Just before they are completely buried, his voice calls out :

"I owe you one Maaaaccccc."

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Growltigger]

Growltigga, slightly concussed and confused by repeated porcine assaults on his head by Dogscoff, drops his club and reaches for his red hot poker hand cannon, now cunningly modified to assist in the food fight by projecting high powered bLasts of appropriate condimnents for the said pork dish...

"OK Dogscoff, you want traditional, you have got traditional" a jet of apple sauce is shot into Dogscoff's face...

"You want Greek, you have got Greek", a second bLast of tzatziki hits the smelly Scoffo in the jaw,

"You want fusion, you have got fusion", a torrent of lemon grass scented black bean and ginger dressing blitzs the sticky Scoffo to the floor...

"Oh, and just for our teutonic chum, you want German, you get German" - Rollo is hit in the chin by a 5 kilo lump of semi digested sauerkraut and is catapulted through the wall of the cantina...

"Now, Brussel sprouts go nicely with pork" says the great kt as he attaches a 400 sprout hopper to the bottom of the cannon

[mac5732]

Erax, I'm happy to see you enjoying yourself in pie cuisine http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif as Mac gives the order for more lemon cream pies to obsecure Erax's body frame from sight with more sticky, gooey, pies, whoossssssshhh

OT. GT, if you have the viking invasion for medevil, they have a Napoleon mod out for the game, everything is changed to the Napoleonic era, weapons, uniforms, guns, etc. you might want to ck it out

just some ideas Mac

[Growltigger]

Growltigga waves a hand at Mac to acknowledge that he does indeed have the Viking invasion expansion pack for Mediaval, thinks it is very good but is still wrapped up in an epic 30 year struggle against the wretched Turks. I am naturally playing the Byzantines (the Roman empire will never die) and the one problem with the expanded game is that the bloody crusades never seem to happen.

I dunno, you spend 10 years fighting savage battles in Lesser Armenia and Rum against the foul Seljuk horde (despoilers of churches, villages, small boys and goats), you are at an impasse, Pope Urban launches a cry for a few crusades to smite the infidel, you think "yippee, when the crusade bashes at the Turks, I shall launch a cunning assault against the knacked Seljuk legions and shall verily give them a good kicking" and do the crusades ever get launched?? no they dont, they are obviously too worried about the colour of the King of France's underwear, bloody Catholics...

Anyway, Rome: Total War, looks amazing, we have a TV show just started here utilising the game engine. The game looks absolutely marvellous and I cannot wait until April next year for that one...

Back to the cantina, GT loads his special "Duffer Seeking Venison and Herbs Gamey Sausage" into the hand cannon, aims it at Mac and launches... the sausage flies into the distance, loops round and hits the old timer right in the left ear....

Pulling out his trusty "Anti-South American Grilled Chicken Fajitas", GT loads that into the cannon and looks around for old Erax...

I go away for 3 weeks and that damn Brazilian lets the joint get into chapter 11! Never trust a Latin unless their names are Caesar or Shakira

[Erax]

Erax emerges from the back of the Cantina, after a quick shower to get rid of Mac's cream pies...

"Chapter 11 ? Isn't that the one in which Frodo and friends get chased out of Moria ?" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

His mood for humor quickly evaporates as he sees that GT means business.

"Urk ! I mean, calm down Boss, here, have some of Rolo's mead, I think he left it here as a gift for you, just sit right there while the FBWs in maid outfits clean you off. I'll be with you soon, I have to take apart Mac's pieguns and troutguns."

Erax then vanishes somewhere behind the bar where he proceeds to look as busy and hardworking as possible.

[mac5732]

Mac calls over serveral LH clones and they begin prying the sausage out of his ear with prybars and giant tweezers.... Oucchhhhhh, ugh, after 15 minutes or so, the large meat monstrosity is finally removed from the lobes of the wizen old one. Mac notices GT over near Erax and firing sometype of malicious intensifying malignant weapon. The illustrious mental giant moves over to the wall behind him and presses a button, "POP" a secret door opens, Mac reaches inside and removes what appears to be a gas mask, puts it on then pulls out a multi barrelled constraption along with a large basket. Mac pours the contents into the metal monster, sights on old GT, pushes a button and "Poof, Poof.... and GT is swatted, knocked off his feat and buried under huge masses of large Trout from his Fyron lip smacking Trout cannon.... Mac smiles and waves at GT, who at this time is emitting a horrendous type of essance. (the trout were 2 weeks old http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif )

GT watch for the horde if your playing Byzintine's

a wiley old Mac http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Growltigger]

Gt, suffering under a bombardment of putrid over-aged piscine thingies, pulls out his trusty tennis racket and proceeds to bat them off until the torrent stops coming.

Unfortunately, his tennis racket is now covered in smelly old fish entrails, and Erax is suitable upset as it is stuffed down the back of his troUsers...

This means war you old fart, says the mighty kat, he pulls out the hand cannon and attaches a hopper full of pickled eggs, pickled walnuts, pickled sheepballs and taramasalata, the LH clones dive for cover as the wretched spindle shaked old tosspot is bLasted into a morass of pink, picled and slightly fishy mess...

Gt walks over to the geriatic pile of puss and asks "when does the horde arrive and where then you old sod, I havn't seen the horde yet"

[mac5732]

The researchist smiles at GT as that entity has brought him some pickled cuisine for his gullet. As the cagey old youngster begins to fill his inniards, he replies to GT's question of the horde, look east el pussy kat, look east... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif they usually appear when you least expect it...

As the wiley one continues to indulge in a repast of pickled estacy, a sharp rumbling begins to make itself heard from within the old one's anatamy, "oh oh, he mumbles to himself, he looks and smiles at the Golden Kat standing before him and with his left hand places his gas mask back upon his wizened countenance....... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

just some ideas

[ September 25, 2003, 03:04: Message edited by: mac5732 ]

[Teal_Avenger]

Looking for a spot of potted meat and an ale, The Teal Avenger walks thtough the door of the oddly-named establishment.

Perhaps this was not the best night to wear the dress teals.

At least it smells good. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[dogscoff]

For your enjoyment:
http://www.thrudthebarbarian.com/Aliens.html

And to deter anyone who thought we needed a plot around here...

[Growltigger]

Classic "Thrud" that...

Thanks Mac, the bloody horde has just turned up in Georgia and Khazak. Just what I needed on my left flank. Thanks a lot you miserable old [insert string of expletives of choice] so-and-so, thanks a bundle, I bet you had something to do with it too.. snick'n frakk'n rick'n rakk'n

Right, I am right royally narked. GT reloads the red hot poker hand cannon with its rightful steaming ammunition and looks around. Hmmm, Teal Avenger is new blood, bend over sonny and let uncle Growltigger show you a hot time...

[minipol]

* minipol enters the cantina and shows off his newly acquired barbar glasses *

wiiieeeee. a special promotion here: buy a case of 24 barbars and you get 2 of the special glasses for free. i have some drinking to do.
lalalala http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[mac5732]

GT, Glad to be of help, better that the horde is bugging your game and not mine http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif (so far), did you see my post that there is a Napoleonic Game Mod for Medevil? Its all of the napoleonic era with all the trimmings. Its all based on the Medevil game system and is found in their mod section.

Old Mac watches as GT mounts his raging Thermo Nucular genetic modified war elephant and takes off after the Teal Avenger... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

just some ideas Mac

[Teal_Avenger]

Stunned by the warm reception, the Teal Avenger waits a second too long before pulling the small furry rodent out of his pocket. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

SPLUT!

...Looks like another uniform ruined.

Oh Barkeep, A glass of your cheapest for myself and the incontinent oldster over there.

Elephants may never forget, but they just never learn either. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif

[Growltigger]

A dry wind blows through the empty shell of the cantina.. a couple of tumbleweeds tumble by....

The cantina has obviously seen better times, the paint is cracking, the ullage trays are overflowing, food scraps are rotting on tables, and the Last of the FBW's has handed in her notice and boarded a bus to more "tip condusive" climes....

Even the Byzantine horde of killer mongooses have decamped to happier places, vowing to keep up their eternal struggle against Dogscoff's evil horde of Seljuk Turks...

All is quiet, all is still, the ghostly wind whistles through the tattered banners and streamers which used to adorn this happy place...

A forlorn roar from the weed encrusted carpark signals that Barry the T-Rex has decided to leave for an acting career as a stunt rex in Jurassic Park 15.

The only movement (other than the tumbleweeds) in the cantina is the large, tuxedo clad tiger sitting at the bar, nursing his Last bottle of Spitfire, and filling out the various Chapter 11 forms to hand to his lawyer..

He gets up, takes a Last look round the cantina, goes up to the large doors, takes out a key, closes the doors and locks them. He looks at the key, throws it down the nearest drain, and walks off toward his waiting car. The car drives off, and the cantina is left deserted, an empty wreck of its old self, a shattered testament to the fun, intrigues and cartoon violence that used to go on there. Only the ghosts of the laughter, fun, genetically modifed squid and general naughtiness that used to go on there, are left. Only memories...

But then, maybe it is true, that the memories of a person or a place never fade, until such time as the ripples of their lifes or its effect cease to wash through us all..

Life is like a bowl
of rice pudding
fully rounded
but over, too soon

[minipol]

Minipol walks over to the cantina.

He sees the lock on the door and then notices the sign: "Cantina closed due to lack of visitors. And the visitors that do came in, either brought their own beer or wrecked the place. Thanks for nothing, The Owner!"

Darn, i have to find me a new cantina.

* minipol walks off, carrying some beers in his left hand and a hammer in his right hand *

[Ragnarok]

After an extended absense from visiting the Cantina Ragnarok returns. As he slowly walks up towards the Cantina he can see some of the old regulars standing in front of the Cantina with their heads bowed and saying nothing. For the first time in history, the Cantina was quiet.

Making his way to the door, Ragnarok reads the sign saying that the Cantina is closed he then too joins in the quiet remembrance of the great times that had been had in this building. All the fine battles with the great RD. Giant Battle Gophers long for those days, but alas, those days are but history.

After standing at the doors for a little while Ragnarok turns around and begins to walk away, wishing he hadn't taken that extended leave for a better life, thinking that if he hadn't, maybe the Cantina would still be around. The good times enjoyed in this building would be but a memory. Ragnarok continues his walk away from the Cantina into the slowly setting sun. It was fun while it Lasted, he thinks to himself. The Cantina will be missed. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif

[General Woundwort]

Woundwort jumps off a rapidly-decelerating warp shuttle and walks up to the boarded-up facade of the Home Cantina.

"Good grief... Sancho wasn't pulling my leg. He's really done it."

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

Nothing to do but meditate in silence for awhile.

After an appropriate pause, Woundwort clears his throat and makes an announcement.

"Gentlemen and ladies... in memory of the long history and traditions of this fine establishment, I want to invite any and all who are interested to come to the Phong's Head in Starfury sector, where I will be holding a wake in honor of the original Cantina's sad passing."

[Growltigger]

Rags, minipol, hang around for a short while,I have been saving one Last crate of super strength ale for a quiet cheeky half to say fare thee well to old times!

[mac5732]

The wizen old one walks up to the cantina and notices the lock on the door. He stares in disbelief. Tears begin to slowly edge their watery way down his facial torso. OH..... he wails to the world at large. Now what will we do for discussions and further research into forbidden areas... he laments.... The old one, walks to his rusted, well used, ShaNa destroyer, walks up the entrance way and is gone for several minutes. Suddenly he returns, walks over next to the cantina door, opens up a portable table and chair, connects his cell phone and orders his usual breakfast of bacon, scrambled eggs, hash browns, toast and several brewskis from one of the local restuarants. He sits back and begins to ponder this unsavory sight of a closed cantina....... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif

a sad Mac

[Renegade 13]

Having heard of the legendary Cantina from its counterpart in Starfury sector, Renegade walks along he sidewalk towards the location of the Canina. As he approaches the area, he notices an older man sitting before a boarded up door, eating a meal.

It can't be.

The legendary cantina can't be closed.

Not now, not when we all need a place to discuss, argue, create!!

Staring in disbelief, Renegade opens a communication to his ship, the Halitosis.

"Begin immediate research into mortgage law, and find out if there's anyone willing to spare a few credits to reverse this...this....atrocity. Put the word out that I can spare the few thousand credits I made off vaporizing that pirate ship a few days ago."

There must be something that can be done.

[Growltigger]

Of course something can be done. I wouldn't be that incarnation of all that it is clever, expensive, evil and cunning if I wasn't a lawyer!

Watch this space, lock your refrigerators, hide your valuables and put your girlfriends in chastity belts

[Erax]

... Erax hides in the former Cantina's basement, hoping everyone (but especially the Boss) has forgotten about him...

[minipol]

Talking about "Da Boss" Erax, did he already pay you the wages from that Last 3 months that he still owes you?

[Growltigger]

Hmmm, Erax hiding in the basement? maybe I can relaunch the cantina as an opportunity for rich businessmen to hunt people a la that awful Jean Claude Van Damme movie set in New Orleans..

I can see it now, discrete marketing to wealthy executives and professionals, bring your own rifle, and have the opportunity to hunt your very own Brazilian..

Gosh, the phone has not stopped ringing. "Yes Mr Gates, we can guarantee a great chase with old Erax in the basement, What's that? you want to use a high powered harpoon gun, and you want his wedding tackle preserved to hang on the wall of Microsoft House as a trophy? Not a problem for a small fee!"

Cheers Erax, I beleive you will rebuild my fortunes. Now if only we can clone you a few times for the head of General Motors

[Erax]

Oops, I've been discovered ! Me and my big mouth.

Erax leaves a cardboard cutout of himself in the basement to fool Mr. Gates (can't be that hard) and attempts to leave via one of the Cantina's less known exits, wearing a Groucho Marx disguise.

[Growltigger]

and the poor Brazilian walks straight into the rather rich bunch of rednecks who have paid a fortune to Growltigga to get to suit any latin american with facial hair...

Erax, you dont get to leave the cantina. All exits are watched and these clients of mine have paid an awful lot of money to get the right to cause you suffering and to stick your head on a wall!

[Erax]

"LOOK !! IT'S ELVIS !!"

As the rednecks look behind them, Erax ducks back into the Cantina and starts building his defenses. The Cantina's innards are a maze of tunnels, fully explored by none, crammed with weird alien gadgets which have accumulated down there over time.

Send 'em in, Boss. Don't worry, you'll get your money, I won't hurt them.

[Growltigger]

Erax, half of the cash they are paying me is based on a success fee. I therefore need to you to get bLasted into atoms to get that fee, but do me a favour and keep your head out of the firing line, as the lads want trophies and I get a further fee if your head is unscathed.

oh, and by the way, can you dress up as Ronaldo as some of the French businessmen are paying extra to shoot a Brazilian football player.

[Erax]

Sadly, I do not look one bit like Ronaldo or any other Brazilian football player. And I played (back when I did play) as a goalie.

Don't worry about the success fees Boss, some of your clients will definitely think they got me. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Edit : Why would the French want to shoot Brazilian football players ? They beat us in 1998 and now have the right to mock us. I think the English and Germans would be more likely candidates.

[ October 28, 2003, 11:11: Message edited by: Erax ]

[Growltigger]

The French just want to shoot everybody, and yes, Helmut Kohl has offered a hefty fee is he gets to smear you in German mustard, stuff all your orifices with sauerkraut and then get to beat you to death with a bratwurst, but I have directed him to speak to Mephisto on this as I think it is a bit weird!

As for the English, yes, all I will say is that I have a large shotgun loaded with szechuan pepper ready to be fired at you if all else fails.

By the way, a large contingent of Turks have also offerred hard cash to bLast you out of existence!

[Growltigger]

Where on earth are Rags and RD and Taz when you need them!?

[Ragnarok]

Rags is walking towards the Cantina as he hears some comotion going on there. On his way there he bumps into Erax who is running away full speed, quick thinking by Rags leads to Ragnarok cuffing Erax to the Dreaded Dwelling Derelict Two Ton Devil Bunny who is walking with Ragnarok. Erax struggles to get free but the Bunny is too powerful for Erax. Ragnarok bust into the Cantina and looks into GTs eyes and exclaims: "I'm Baaacck.....Oh, and I brought a gift." Ragnarok then hands Erax to GT for whatever punishment is in store for him. Ragnarok finds a dusty bottle of vodka and drinks up while waiting for the action to begin.

[Erax]

Thinking quickly, Erax clambers atop the bunny and calls out, "Hey GT, remeber 2002 ? Let me refresh your memory, Brazil 2, England 1 !!"

Growltigga can't contain his rage and lets out a hiss, showing his sabertoothed fangs. This is too much for the poor devil bunny, who takes off at top speed with Erax riding it, while Gt scrambles for his shotgun.

Erax begins to hum the Merry Melodies theme as random bLasts of Sczechuan pepper whizz by his head.

[mac5732]

The older distinguished gentleman who was sitting near the front cantina door, notices some activity inside the aforementioned establishment. Well, he mutters, seems there is still some life left in the old girl," as he gets up, packs up his table, throws the breakfast dishes on the ground, which shatter into thousands of sharp, pointed stilletos of pain (in front of the door, of course http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif He then walks carefully thru the door, looks around sees Rags, GT and Erax, saunders over to his favorite table in the cornor, dusts off all the dust and debris, sits down, and looks around for Taz or a FB to order a brewski or two.....

[David E. Gervais]

..I walk into the Cantina and notice a strange crunching sound. I look down and see that I have been walking over shards. Oh well, Good thing I am wearing my steel soled shoes.

I see Mac over at one of the tables, "Hi Mac," I have a present for you,.. I just made a very special mug. It holds 3.14159.. Galons of brew. It apears to be magical, when you try to empty it, it just keeps on pouring.

Enjoy. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[ October 31, 2003, 11:30: Message edited by: David E. Gervais ]

[Growltigger]

Hmmm, thinks the irate cat, not only do I seem to have grown some saberteeth to compliment my very own fangs, but I have this strange urge to find the nearest Brazilian and stick 3 feet of molten hot titanium up his backside.....

And anyway Erax, England thrashed the Brazilians at tidddlywinks you rotter...

As there is now a large giant bunny running round the derelict cantina, GT blows his whistle, and suddenly, the ground vibrates as a giant armour plated sabertoothed cyborg evil minded vicious nasty bastard genetically enhanced dino-ferret comes charging through the wall..

"Sid", for that is the ferret's name, "see that bunny, see that scrawny little Brazilian pillow-biter riding it?, kill the bunny, bring the Latin to me whilst I retrieve and activate my multi-melta super charged red hot poker shoulder mounted anti-backside missile launcher".

Oooh, we havn't had a chase for ages

[Erax]

"I'm sorry, but I can't help you. I'm no longer a virgin."
"What, you mean some guy bested you in combat ?"
"Yes... technically."
"Technically ? What do you mean ?"
"Well, actually, it was, um... at tiddlywinks."
"Tiddlywinks !!??? Damn ! And I'm good at tiddlywinks, too !" (this is from the Discworld PC game).

Anyway, back to affairs at the Cantina... Erax is well on his way to the nearest horizon while Sid lags farther and farther behind (all that armour sure cuts down on his speed, hm ?). Soon he loses Sid and doubles back into a hidden Cantina exit, surprising a bunch of Frenchmen who were staking it out and expecting him to come out, not go in. Once in the tunnels, he grabs a hypertaser off a convenient shelf and zaps Bugz, bringing him to a halt (yes, now the bunny has a name).

Hmmm... time to distract the Boss and his clients ! Erax activates the first of his defenses, and releases a dozen Ronaldo clones, wearing the Brazilian team's uniform, into the Cantina and surrounding grounds.

BLast away Boss, bLast away.

[Growltigger]

But our plucky Brazilian tinkerer forgot to note that old Bugz has been "nobbled" with a locator beacon..

Sid, slobbering at the mouth at hungry for rabbit flesh, burrows through the walls of the cantina and appears right behind of Erax.

However, Sid is expecting to murder a rabbit, and the sight of all those Ronaldo's with their buck teeth making him look like rodentia is sufficient to momentarily confuse the vicious ferret. He rapidly bites a couple of ronaldos in half, lunges at Erax, grabs him and proceeds back to the great sabertoothed feline, who is gentle toasting a large sharp pointy (yet rusty) spike in the furnace...

Meanwhile, the Frenchmen, having finally got through the barricade, catch sight of the remaining Ronaldos and proceed to let rip, all that can be heard are various Gallic cheers and the sound of yellow jersey splatting damply against the walls...

Hmm, says Tigga donning his marigold kitchen gloves, I have heard what those customs inspectors get up to and have adamn fine idea of how to show Erax the error of his nasty Brazilian ways!

[minipol]

As minipol left the cantina for the Last time not so long ago, he went in search of a replacement cantina.
He didn't find any cantina with the same athmosphere, beer and yeah, let's not forget the crazy sabertooth running the joint and his little slave Erax.
Man, those where the days. Feeling nostalgic, minipol walks towards the catina.
*** BAAAAM ***
Wuh? As minipol falls down, he sees a giant bunny racing by with a person on top...
The fall broke his westmalle beer. Great now i'll have to order the house beer. Minipol vaguely remembers the bartender saying something about "never tasted the house beer". Minipol sees some light in the catina! Great. He enters...

[ October 31, 2003, 12:38: Message edited by: minipol ]

[mac5732]

David E. G. Tks, what a great gift, believe me, it will be put to a most excellent use, the research into just seeing if it will ever go empty is most gratifying http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif I sincerely thank you.

Mac reclines back on his favorite chair and begins sipping out of his new brewski mug and the unlimited liquid refreshment found within, and watches the chase that is apparantly beginning to unwind within the confines of the cantina, ahhhhh,

100 bottles of beer on the wall
l00 bottles of beer...
if one would happen to fall
99 bottles of beer on the wall....

a very refreshed (at least for now http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif Mac

[Atrocities]

Bar Keep!

I want the following drinks!

A Brain freezer
A Brain Tomber
A Brain Fart
A Brain Buster
and
A Brain Buner

Now please. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif

[David E. Gervais]

Originally posted by Atrocities:
Bar Keep!

I want the following drinks!

A Brain freezer
A Brain Tomber
A Brain Fart
A Brain Buster
and
A Brain Buner

Now please. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif <font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Hmmm,.. getting ready for the upcomming #se4 chat session with MM I see. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

[Growltigger]

Atrocities, I hate to break this to you but the cantina is now closed for business.

We have no beers or other drinks, save for the bottle of spitfire I am drinking, and Mac's eternal beer mug.

we have no booze for sale here, and are merely using the cantina as a method to make some money by getting Erax slaughtered.

Mac is only here as no where else will put up with his "funny smell" and let him stay!

[Wardad]

No BEERRRRR????

That makes me made enough to flog Britney Spears with a sumer sausage.

It is at http://wegotcards.com/create.cgi?cardid=20212

[Erax]

While everyone is entertained whacking Mrs. Spears with a sausage, Erax zaps Sid, who does not pass out but lets him go. He crawls behind the bar, presses a hidden button and vanishes down a trapdoor.

Once inside, he grabs a pair of bolt cutters and frees himself from Bugz, then runs far away from the devil bunny and sets up some more defenses.

[Growltigger]

Erax, you can run but you can't hide.

And this is a real sign that the cantina is dead and buried and has shuffled off this mortal coil.

In the old cantina, if Britney Spears turned up, the clientele would not have repeatedly hit her over the head with a sausage. What they would have done might well have involved sausages, but certainly not in the "assualting craniums" use!

[dogscoff]

*Dogscoff swaggers up to the cantina, tanned and fat after two delightful weeks in Sri Lanka. He's eager to celebrate his recent wedding by buying a round or Arrak for everyone, getting thoroughly drunk and then and performing a traditional Sri Lankan wedding dance on 'Tigga's head (while wearing somewhat less than traditional pair of football boots.)

The place deserted. A "closed for business" sign adorns the door. Dogscoff's face drops. His beerbelly droops dejectedly.

Alone and fighting back the tears, he stumbles off to the nearest off-license, buys two bottles of the cheapest available vodka and heads for the beach. As darkness falls, he uses one bottle of vodka to get a decent driftwood-fire going and the other to salute the memory of a most illustrious establishment. Ghostly images of amiable mayhem flicker in the flames...

[Rollo]

In a corner of the cantina that was once called the Royal Booth a tattered Viking crawls from under the table, followed by a Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu, and Cameron Diaz clone.
"Hmm, did I miss something?", Rollo ask himself as he watches the tumbleweeds rolling by. "Umm, and yeah girls, my middle name is really Charly...".
Grabbing a keg of mead from his personal storage under each arm the thirsty Viking leaves the cantina. He spots a fire off the distance.
"Okay ladies, let's head for the beach."

[Erax]

Warning : this post contains links to excessively silly sites.

Erax runs ever deeper into the Cantina's less-known recesses, and stops cold when he rounds a corner and sees enough Aliens to make H.R. Giger run home calling for his mommy.

"OMGWTFOMFG!!!" (http://www.rpgworldcomic.com/d/20030827.html)

Little does the Boss know, however, that Erax was created by the Xenomorphs, aka 'Aliens'. (http://www.brunching.com/cgi/cyborger.cgi?acronym=erax) As soon as they see him, they grab him and put him to work around their hive, then start climbing up, looking for something to eat.

[Growltigger]

The fire flickers on the sand. Dogscoff and Rollo sit staring out to sea, sipping their vodka and mead occassionally and generally looking narked off.

Growltigga walks up and sits down next to them. The occassional bang and crash from the cantina indicate that Erax is frantically building barricades against the marauding businessmen.

You know chaps, says the great if destitute cat, how far down in the basement do you think Erax will get before he realises that the cantina is actually built on top of a large hive of "Aliens" (a la the movie of the same name). I have only been feeding them diet yoghurt for the Last couple of months and they must now be absolutely starving. I wonder if they need some tortilla wraps with their Brazilian hors deuve?

[Growltigger]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by dogscoff:
[QB] *Dogscoff swaggers up to the cantina, tanned and fat after two delightful weeks in Sri Lanka.

You spawny get, I havn't had a holiday since September and am really feeling it. Sri Lanka? where were you? I thought it a rather lovely place indeed when I went there back in 1997

He's eager to celebrate his recent wedding by buying a round or Arrak for everyone, getting thoroughly drunk

Congratulations, I had no idea that your young lady (assuming that it is a young lady) had had the poor sense to agree to marry you http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif I assume you caught in a moment of weakness, such as when she was shopping for shoes or something. We need some getting thoroughly drunk round here. As you can see the cantina has died a death!

and then and performing a traditional Sri Lankan wedding dance on 'Tigga's head (while wearing somewhat less than traditional pair of football boots.)

As a mark of respect for the new Mrs Dogscoff, I will not remove your happy sacks for that remark, nor will I employ Erax's freshly roasted red hot poker in its traditional fashion!

[dogscoff]

You spawny get, I havn't had a holiday since September and am really feeling it.
<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Well it's our first holiday in two years (and probably our Last for another two=-) but we had an unprecedented chance to splash out at the travel agents so we did. And decided to take the opportunity to get married while we were at it- less hassle and expense than doing it at home.



Sri Lanka? where were you? I thought it a rather lovely place indeed when I went there back in 1997
<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Yeah, it still is. There's a real sense (or there was to me) of growth and increasing prosperity over there. Things are pretty hard for a lot of ppl there but you get the feeling that it's getting better.
And the food, the scenery, the wildlife, the local beer and the climate is just superb. I had a fantastic time.


Congratulations, I had no idea that your young lady (assuming that it is a young lady) had had the poor sense to agree to marry you I assume you caught in a moment of weakness, such as when she was shopping for shoes or something.
<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Actually it was her idea. We booked the holiday/ wedding then bought a ring back on April 1st. Then we texted/ mailed our friends/ family and they all thought we were joking=-)


We need some getting thoroughly drunk round here.
<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Right, in that case...

*Dogscoff stands up and walks toward the cliffs above the beach. He finds a particular spot, turns due east and starts counting his steps. The others look on in bewilderment. Eventually he stops and starts digging a hole in the sand. Within minutes he has struck something solid. Rollo and 'Tig help him excavate a large wooden box, which upon opening contains 36 bottles of finest Vaxin Absynthe.

"One of my emergency stashes."

'scoff pops the top off a bottle of the green stuff and passes it round.

[mac5732]

Does she approve of your gaming time spent on the computer? be careful in the area scoff, take it from one who has been married 30 yrs,, Some wives think you spend to much time with the essance then you do with them, (jealousy) http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Congrats on the nuptials....

just some ideas Mac

[dogscoff]

Does she approve of your gaming time spent on the computer? be careful in the area scoff, take it from one who has been married 30 yrs,, Some wives think you spend to much time with the essance then you do with them, (jealousy)
<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Well we've been together for 9 years and living together for 3 of them so she knows exactly what she's getting herself into. We do come into conflict occasionally over my computer use but I generally limit myself to an hour or two a night and then binge when she's not around (she works shifts and has occasional weekends away at college in London). When I'm neglecting her for the PC it's usually a sign that something else is up (ie I'm worried about money or something) and she recognises that and knows how to get past it.

[Erax]

That pretty much describes our marriage. We're on different schedules, so I tend to hit the PC when she's not around, except when I'm worried about something else - usually money.

Unfortunately, that worry has become something of a constant this year. We needed to achieve 3 major goals to get past it; one of them is achieved, one looks like it will be achieved within 30 days and the third will have to wait until next year.

[Growltigger]

The current Mrs GT is the same, but she watches vast amonts of television, or spends cash shopping when she is not savaging sheep and slaughtering the local wildlife.

I dont watch television much so tend to go on the computer in the evenings, or when the witch queen of cheshire is out spending more cash shopping

but this weekend, I have a lads trip to Dublin..

that combined with the rubgy, will be marvellous.

and what is wifey doing when I am supping the guiness? shopping!" what else!

[Gryphin]

Hello guys,
Hope everyone is good.
I miss the place.

We have two computers and cable access so it is not an issue.

Wish I could think of something funny or provacative to say but ...

< bends over moons Growltigga :: Runs for the door >

[mac5732]

ah, good Gryphin, glad to see your up and about, and Mooning the wiley old furry feline, brings back memories of the old cantina, (besides he deserves the shock http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif (now keep your hands off my pizza and watch out for the rose bushes http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif )

as mac signs off from the switch board, he turns around, sees GT standing in the middle of the room, mumbles to himself, what the heck, turns around, bends over and gives the wiley furry toothless one a 2nd shot for the price of one LOL
for old times sake.... Yahooooooooooo iiii eeeeee

Feeling much refreshed, mac pulls up his drawers, walks over to his portable table, picks up a fresh pizza laying on it, picks it up, sees the Gryphin laughing off to the side, and lets fly,
SPLAT,,

[mac5732]

LOL


rolling on the floor Mac

[CNCRaymond]

http://www.starchamber.net/

If any one has played this please let me know what you thought of it. Thanks

[Growltigger]

OH MY GODDDD, it shouldn't happen to a cat.

I have just been mooned by two people who have absolutely no idea what the concept of bottomly hygiene means!

I mean really, Gryphin's back passage is like a sludge pit, a gaping cess pool that looks like one of those sticky toffee puddings you used to get given at school. It really is the jaws of hell - yuk, and as for the stench?!!!

I mean, you would have thought that a purveyor of the "Gryphin position" would know that airtex Y fronts are meant to be changed at least once a month, and not left to harden until they need remving with a blow torch and a welding gun.

YYUK

and as for Mac's fudge tunnel, you would have thought that the colostomy bag would stop a lot of problems there, but rather than cobwebs, we have a gaping pit of bottomly doom!!!!! rectum? too damn right after seeing that aging withered knackered old ring piece. His backside looks like a bloody pizza, one with extra anchovies and bits of pineapple (I dont want to even know what they are!!)

I swear I saw Amelia Earhart, Buster Crabbe and Lord Lucan waving at me from there

I am frankly scared to assault either of the filthy swine with the red hot poker handcannon as the methane gasses obviously evident in their back passages could lead to a violent catastrophic explosion...

and shouldn't someone tell them that underwear should be laundered occassionally, and not held together by funny yellow marks and stubborn understains...

Growltigga leaves the cantina and sounds of violent puking can be heard

Yuk

[ November 17, 2003, 12:52: Message edited by: Growltigger ]

[mac5732]

CNC, sorry havn't tried it, but will ck with my 2 sons

just some ideas Mac

[Narratio]

Narratio, a new comer to the bar sits nursing his beer (it's an orphan... poor thing).

"Bartender! A refill here if you would, and get a dozen fresh humans for the horde of Aliens in the corner would you. Oh, and do you know the number of the Customs and Immigration boys? I think some of those Aliens are lacking in Green Cards."

[dogscoff]

Horde of aliens ... Customs and Immigration ... Green cards
<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">* A gang of C&I officers enter the room and set about the Giegeresque gaggle with rubber gloves and probing devices. What follows can only be described as... messy.

*Meanwhile, on a fairly-close by beach where the horrendous screams and hissing of the forementioned event are but a mere whisper above the roaring of the ocean, dogscoff awakes to the smell of roasting meat. He's gone and passed out with his face in the embers of the campfire again.

'Ugh... ouch... why is everything green? Bloody absynthe, never again I swear. I need some breakfast... and a skin graft.'

Dazed, confused and still seeing everything through a chemically-induced green filter, he staggers back toward the Cantina in search of Tribble wings, antiseptic cream and maybe a small shot of absynthe to smooth out some of the rough edges.

[Gryphin]

Walks in having been through the Reffresher unit. Hears the sound of the kat retching. I wonder what caused that.
Checks in with mac
how ya been Doc?
Really, don't tell me my evil discusting twin was here? Ugly was it? ewwww. I can imagine. Our mama tryed to teach him better but her pleadings he dnyed, that leaves only him to blame casuse mama tried.

Too bad I did't think of it. Would have been fun to moon the old 1kitty. Must be ruogh being a daddy though I would thnk father hood would have prepared him for my evil twin
Oh well,
< bends over :: moons mac with my spotlessly clean cheaks >

[Growltigger]

"Ooohhh" cries Growltigga as he is subject to another violent spasm of vomiting, "your cheeks may be sparkling clean (if spotty, hairy and crinkled like sandpaper), but your back passage is full of tagnuts, whinnets and hairy crusty bits which is just puke-inducing.

And as for the Eye of Set winking at me, YURRRRRRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKK, huck huck a hucka hucka buick buick buick buick"

Growltigga continues throwing up the contents of the world in the corner.

Note to self: new rule in wrecked cantina - anyone flashing the "eye" is Banned for life

[mac5732]

I have done some research into this phenom of "mooning" at the University of Alogramis Cheeks. It appears that this custom started sometime back in ancient times, exact date unknown, but does appear in many records handed down thru the ages. It began as a sensual act and was considered most sexual in nature. It was usually done in pagan rites during a full moon, thus the term "mooning". It was also used in battle among the more civilized tribes and was used as a weapon against their opponents. The process was that before a battle, the army would indulge in a horrendus orgy of gluttony of various concoctions. On the following morning as the enemy advanced, they would lift their kilts/drop drawers, turn around, bend over and then at the order, produce an extreme amount of methane which was aimed toward their foe. Of course this depended on the wind at the time. Alas, sometimes when the wind was wrong, the army would have to withhold their combustional attack, which in turn made for a very "long" day. There are documented facts concerning this, where whole armies disintegrated just due to wind change. The concept is forthright and interesting as to the varius aspects of mooning in ancient times to the present. Further research shall enhance many many hours of study, however, Due to other commitments I shall have to put it off as I have other pressing research projects to complete. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

The 2 moons over the British Isles as illustrated by the most recent expose, have been heralded by many as the shining light upon the waters. It apparently has been mentioned as a form of artistic expression and many photographs of the moons have been taken and have been sent to the Furry Feline to adorn his established residence, so he may fully capture the true essance. I understand that some photos have been encrusted with a tinge of lamperous settings to make them seem alive for the beholder. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif


just some ideas mac

[Growltigger]

Cue even more horrible sounds of vomiting from the great cat.

Not fair, not fair, at no time have I resorted to showing Gryphin and Mac my rectum, or any other person's bottom that wasn't nice and peachlike like those of the FBW's.

As for pictures of the bottoms in question, you can stick them up your, ahem, back passage.

Revenge will be sweet, and will most definately involve a deoderiser

[Gryphin]

Realizing the cat is still in dire straights
Rapidly assessing the situation.
Clearly he has been infected with a hallucinogenic virus that causes him to see his worse nightmares.
Reaching into nowhere I pull out a syringe firing pistol
Whossh
The great cat is now vaccinated and will recover in 2 seconds. Undoubtedly he will be grateful to me for assisting in his recovery and will bestow upon me unlimited free drinks for mac and me. It helps that it was part of the cure I programmed in along with knowledge of how to do the Gryphin Position

[Growltigger]

Hmmm, strangley enough I feel better, and I seem to have developed a whole new level of understanding of the carnal acts!!

But worryingly, the recent torrent of bottoms being flashed at me seems to have steered my normal manly genes toward fancying blokes.

In fact, I have never realised how attractive old Gryphin is, may be I should give him a big wet kiss on the backside. That moustache is rather cute.

Come here you little cutie you!

[Erax]

Erax crawls up into the cantina to see what's going on...

Eeep !! Now THIS is scary !!! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

He hurriedly runs back to the Alien lair and crawls into one of the empty alien eggs to hide.

[Growltigger]

Ooh, a nice Brazilian "Enrique Iglesias" lookalike, come here you lovely man and let me give you a big love bite you handsome thing you

Ooh, would you like to join me and Gryphin for some intimate tete a tete, or maybe just a big juicy kiss on your bottom?

[Erax]

A muffled voice is heard from inside the egg : "Mmmph. Mmmphno Mmmphank Mmphyou."