OT: Story Snippet

[narf poit chez BOOM]

I'm writing a non-SEIV story and have decided to post snippets here, for feedback and such.Hopefully, this will help me actually finish it. The snippets will come from random sections as I'm going to try writing the key scenes first and then fill in the blanks. The genre is kinda mixed. Sci-fi enhanced hero/mystery. So, what do you think:

"How much longer is this going to take?"
"Hey, we didn't complain when you took half an hour to build that tunnel."
"I had to make sure it was shored up. It was nessasary to emplace supports."
"And we gotta route around the security, make sure we're not trippen security and then laser a chunk out after deactivating security without trippen the aforementioned security. Pleae remember not to turn on your sensers."
"I know."
There was silence as the hulking, metal-clad figure engaged in a fruitless game of appearing not to figet as the two unarmed figures tweaked busily at various devices attached to the ceiling and on the floor.
After a space of about ten minutes during which the metal-clad figure managed to aviod interupting, one of them spoke absent-mindedly "Security systems are deactivated. The laser."
A button on a circular, wide and bulky device was pushed by the other unarmered figure and a gentle humming emenated from it. Nothing could be seen and the bulky figure increased it's figeting, until a few minutes later when one of the figures again spoke: "We're through."
Both figures lithely swung themselves up and apparently into the ceiling. Cracking open several select deposit boxes, they emptied the contents into two sacks they had brought along, then randomly emptied more until they had roughly filled both sacks. Swinging back down through the hole, a foot brushed a certain box. "Got it. Let's split."
"I thank you both." Two armored hands shot out and crushed both necks. Both figures flickered. Rapidly assesing the situation, the hulking figure spun to the left and observed both figures rapidly receding on what could only be described as skinny atv's, both with a sack. Looking down, he noticed his BB-4 on the tunnel floor, with wiring attached and more importantly, surounded by nano-cutters attached to power cells. His armor was not up to this in it's current state. He ran.

A specification problem fixed.

Oh, and does anyone have any good pages on explosives bookmarked? I need to get the proporties of BB-4 right. Like, how much of a fictional substance would the characters need to implode a bank, after blowing the vault door off from a tunnel bored under the vault floor with a man-sized hole leading into the closed and locked vault, with a typically massive vault door.

[ April 07, 2004, 10:15: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[eorg]

a leather bag?

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
I'm writing a non-SEIV story and have decided to post snippets here, for feedback and such.Hopefully, this will help me actually finish it. The snippets will come from random sections as I'm going to try writing the key scenes first and then fill in the blanks. The genre is kinda mixed. Sci-fi enhanced hero/mystery. So, what do you think:

quote:

---

"How much longer is this going to take?"
"Hey, we didn't complain when you took half an hour to build that tunnel."
"I had to make sure it was shored up. It was nessasary to emplace supports."
"And we gotta route around the security, make sure we're not trippen security and then laser a chunk out after deactivating security without trippen the aforementioned security. Pleae remember not to turn on your sensers."
"I know."
There was silence as the hulking, metal-clad figure engaged in a fruitless game of appearing not to figet as the two unarmed figures tweaked busily at various devices attached to the ceiling and on the floor.
After a space of about ten minutes during which the metal-clad figure managed to aviod interupting, one of them spoke absent-mindedly "Security systems are deactivated. The laser."
A button on a circular, wide and bulky device was pushed by the other unarmered figure and a gentle humming emenated from it. Nothing could be seen and the bulky figure increased it's figeting, until a few minutes later when one of the figures again spoke: "We're through."
Both figures lithely swung themselves up and apparently into the ceiling. Cracking open several select deposit boxes, they emptied the contents into two sacks they had brought along, then randomly emptied more until they had roughly filled both sacks. Swinging back down through the hole, a foot brushed a certain box. "Got it. Let's split."
"I thank you both." Two armored hands shot out and crushed both necks. Both figures flickered. Rapidly assesing the situation, the hulking figure spun to the left and observed both figures rapidly receding on what could only be described as skinny atv's, both with a sack. Looking down, he noticed his BB-4, with wiring attached and more importantly, surounded by nano-cutters attached to power cells. His armor was not up to this in it's current state. He ran.

A specification problem fixed.

Oh, and does anyone have any good pages on explosives bookmarked? I need to get the proporties of BB-4 right. Like, how much of a fictional substance would the characters need to implode a bank, after blowing the vault door off.

---

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Originally posted by eorg:
a leather bag?

Well, exactly what it's in or on isn't specified, so you can use your imagination there. And on the horde of mechanical and electronic stuff there using.

[dogscoff]

SOunds like you have some good action going on there. It's a bit confusing out of context though- It's hard to tell which metal-clad figure is which. Maybe you should differentiate them somehow (one taller/ fatter/ different coloured armour/ different voice or something)

Of course they might be robots, built exactly the same...

[narf poit chez BOOM]

ok, I did a little explanatory stuff. Sorry, I wasn't paying attention to what I knew versus what someone reading that scene would know. Um, could you be specific about any remaining confusing stuff?

"How much longer is this going to take?"
"Hey, we didn't complain when you took half an hour to build that tunnel."
"I had to make sure it was shored up. It was nessasary to emplace supports."
"And we gotta route around the security, make sure we're not trippen security and then laser a chunk out after deactivating security without trippen the aforementioned security. Pleae remember not to turn on your sensers."
"I know."
There was silence as the hulking, metal-clad figure engaged in a fruitless game of appearing not to figet as the two unarmed figures tweaked busily at various devices attached to the ceiling and on the floor.
After a space of about ten minutes during which the metal-clad figure managed to aviod interupting, one of the unarmerd figures spoke absent-mindedly "Security systems are deactivated. The laser."
A button on a circular, wide and bulky device was pushed by the other unarmered figure and a gentle humming emenated from it. Nothing could be seen and the bulky figure increased it's figeting, until a few minutes later when one of the unarmored figures again spoke: "We're through."
Both unarmored figures lithely swung themselves up and apparently into the ceiling, emerging in a bank vault. Cracking open several select deposit boxes, they emptied the contents into two sacks they had brought along, then randomly emptied more until they had roughly filled both sacks. Swinging back down through the hole, one of their feet brushed a certain box. "Got it. Let's split."
"I thank you both." Two armored hands shot out and crushed both necks. Both unarmered images flickered. Rapidly assesing the situation, the hulking figure spun to the left and observed both figures rapidly receding on what could only be described as skinny atv's, both with a sack. Looking down, he noticed his BB-4 on the tunnel floor, with wiring and electronics attached and more importantly, surounded by nano-cutters attached to power cells. His armor was not up to this in it's current state. He ran.

Whoop, little more explanation.

Are any of them robots? Well, hehehe

qoute: "So that's what my bruises are. Progress."

[ April 07, 2004, 11:27: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[Combat Wombat]

Looks good

[sachmo]

A good start, but the dialog is a bit confusing.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Originally posted by UseOfWeps:
Various words spelled 'creatively' - necessary, fidget, interrupting, emanated etc. Of course, in the spirit of all grammar Posts, I've probably made some mistakes in this post too.

I have know spell checker.

A good start, but the dialog is a bit confusing.

You mean, as to who is saying what in the beginning? I'm trying to keep the villian parts a bit vague, but the introductory peice for them clears up who's who.

[Combat Wombat]

Typing it all in notepad I see

[dogscoff]

Owt wrong with notepad. I can fully understand anyone who prefers notepad to Word.