OT-Horrorscope

[tesco samoa]

For the week of Mar 3rd

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
All those jokes about your attention span would probably get you down if you ever stuck around to see how they end.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
An unfortunate typo in your flyer results in dozens of infuriated jockeys and bettors showing up for your annual three-day horse-raping festival..

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Once again, it seems like you're the only one who can get word back to Earth before all hope is lost.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
A tumor the size of a walnut will be found in your forebrain, explaining your recent fascination with mid-1970s American fiber art.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
The Army's okay, you suppose, but you just can't see yourself wearing any uniform that doesn't have two broad leather straps crossing over a bare chest.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Your life seems great, but you wish you knew why that loud computer voice keeps counting backwards.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You've always thought it would be thrilling to be shot while trying to escape, but not from a marriage to the manager of the west-side Olive Garden.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You'll be the toast of Europe when Thievery Corporation remixes you into a cool after-hours chillout-session track.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Your relief is palpable when the Channel 7 News CrimeStoppers' reenactment of your upcoming mugging leaves out the pants-wetting.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You're a passable singer, fair banjo player, and moderately attractive bottle-blonde, but that doesn't mean you're the Lost Dixie Chick.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
You will inherit $20,000 from a great-aunt in Iowa, but, sadly, no overnight stay in a spooky haunted castle is required to claim the money.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
A freak accident causes you and a Boise stockbroker to become the world's first "double reverse Idaho twins."