Jokes and Riddles Centre

[Wardad]

George Carlin Strikes Again...

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that 1 out of5 enjoys it?

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

[Iansidious]

I am way out my league nice job Jack Smith,Imperator Fyron I guess I forgot how many people on the forums know how to read [just kidding] http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif anyway here's one.What row of numbers come next? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif

1
11
21
1211
111221
312211
13112221

[Jack Simth]

Originally posted by Iansidious:
I am way out my league nice job Jack Smith,Imperator Fyron I guess I forgot how many people on the forums know how to read [just kidding] http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif anyway here's one.What row of numbers come next? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif

1
11
21
1211
111221
312211
13112221<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">This one's been mentioned before:
1113213211
31131211131221
13211311123113112211

[Suicide Junkie]

The better question now is WHY http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

[ August 19, 2003, 22:54: Message edited by: Suicide Junkie ]

[Jack Simth]

Originally posted by Suicide Junkie:
The better question now is WHY http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I don't know why it was posted before, but if you want a few more rows:
11131221133112132113212221
3113112221232112111312211312113211
1321132132111213122112311311222113111221131221

[ August 19, 2003, 23:07: Message edited by: Jack Simth ]

[Wardad]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

it has occured to me that the riddle could be taken the wrong way and so it has been removed.

bilbo didn't really guess the time one, he just shouted "time" in a panic to get more.

[ August 25, 2003, 09:53: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[Ruatha]

Why does earth and the other planets spin around their axis?

[Jack Simth]

Originally posted by Ruatha:
Why does earth and the other planets spin around their axis?<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Because any planet's axis is defined as the line around which that planet spins.

[Ruatha]

ok, why do planets spin ? ( ie around that which is defined as the planets axis)

[Suicide Junkie]

Because it is very unlikely that all the particles comprising the planet had velocities that would cancel each other out to zero when they came together.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

or, so we would have day and night.

[Ruatha]

Originally posted by Suicide Junkie:
Because it is very unlikely that all the particles comprising the planet had velocities that would cancel each other out to zero when they came together.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">But to have such a fast spin as most planets have most particles would hav eto have the same general direction, or? (Why do stars spin in the galaxy? I know what keeps them from flying away but why do they spin?)

(It doesn't seem to be any answer, most belive it's from the big bang but it seems there are no good theory as to why things spins (planets arund their axis, all stars in the same direction around the galaxy, etc))

[Loser]

Actually the particles, orbiting a larger mass, would be traveling at different speeds based on how far away they were from the mass they were orbiting. As they clump up, they must travel at different speeds, and angles to each other. Then, once they are starting to form a body, there will be many bodies clumping together, pounding and knocking each other around. Since the bodies do not intersect through their collative centers of mass the impact would necessarily impart spin.

As for galaxies, they must spin or all matter in the galaxy would fall into the center. The orbital motion is all that keeps them apart from each other.

[Suicide Junkie]

Take an overall cloud of particles that may form a planet.
That cloud has some angular momentum. For material orbiting a star, the stuff closer in will be moving faster relative to the stuff farther away. (Since it is orbiting the star)

As the planet forms, the huge starting volume compresses down to a relatively puny ball of rock/ice/gas giant.

Since angular momentum is conserved, and the body is now smaller, the planet will be spinning quite fast.
Think diving or figure skating or merry-go-rounds. When you move the mass towards the center the spin rate increases, conserving angular momentum.
Imagine a merry-go round with a radius of a few million kilometers, collecting 6x10²⁴kg of rock and drawing it down into a ball only 6378 km in radius.

Even a small net spin will be magnified by a huge amount as the body collapses.
Bits spinning too fast may get thrown off, and slow bits will sap energy from the medium and fast bits.

[ August 21, 2003, 16:58: Message edited by: Suicide Junkie ]

[geoschmo]

Originally posted by Ruatha:
But to have such a fast spin as most planets have most particles would hav eto have the same general direction, or? (Why do stars spin in the galaxy? I know what keeps them from flying away but why do they spin?)

(It doesn't seem to be any answer, most belive it's from the big bang but it seems there are no good theory as to why things spins (planets arund their axis, all stars in the same direction around the galaxy, etc))<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">The answer is if they didn't, they wouldn't. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

That seems simplistic and counter intuitive, but to understand it you have to look at it backwards. If there were things in the solar system that didn't revolve around the sun in a particular way then over time they would fall into the sun or another planet, or be flung off out from the system entirely. Early on there were very likely many objects of varying size that were going all about in a chaotic manner. Over time all those were eliminated and what we are left with is only those things that follow a few stable orbits. Plus some small debris of course. The galaxy is the same principle as the solar system on a larger scale. It's not that something is making them revolve a certain way, it's that over time things that don't revolve a certain way get eliminated.

As far as why planets spin on their axis, I believe most of that comes not from the impact of the debris forming the planet, but from conservation of momentum of orbiting bodies. A body orbiting another will pick up a spin from this process. It's compicated orbital mechanic stuff that I don't fully understand, but I think that is the jist of it.

[Suicide Junkie]

Jupiter is likely responsible for cleaning up a lot of the garbage floating around in the system.
Things passing in front of the planet get their orbital momentum sapped and fall inwards, while things passing behind the planet (like the voyager probes) get whipped out of the system.

[Loser]

I believe, Junkie, that you are right and I am not.

Impacts from lower orbits would be traveling at higher speeds, relative to the forming body, causing it to spin against it's orbit. Impacts from higher orbits would actually strike the leading face of the forming body, as the forming body has a faster orbit, again causing it to spin against its orbit. These examples assume all orbit are circular, but I'm thinking it will all average out that way, anyway.

If, however, the forming body is a cloud of sorts, it ought to be tide-locked to the star. In this case one face of the cloud will always be presented to the star, and thus the cloud will be spinning with its orbit. As the cloud collapses it will spin fast, with its orbit.

We'll just leave Venus and Uranus out of this, and say that all reasonable planets spin with their orbits. It's got to be the cloud thing.

[ August 21, 2003, 17:44: Message edited by: Loser ]

[Wardad]

Sigh, I want the jokes and riddles back....

[Loser]

Originally posted by Wardad:
Sigh, I want the jokes and riddles back....<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Bring them. I like them. You seem to bring more than anyone else, although I could have been mistaken, and they were always funny.

[ August 21, 2003, 18:40: Message edited by: Loser ]

[Suicide Junkie]

Aw, but orbital mechanics is fun! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

What do you get when you cross ping pong with The Matrix?
http://www.ntv.co.jp/channel/asx/hkzkt10.asx

[Ruatha]

That was good!

[narf poit chez BOOM]

hey, i know the meaning of life!
anybody wanna know it?

* note: beware. it is really late at night for me. you have been warned.

the answer to my riddle is air.

[ August 23, 2003, 00:47: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[Wardad]

As Bill Cosby would say....

Any PhysED major can tell you why there is air...
There is Air to blow up volly balls, there is air to blow up basket balls, there is air to blow up footballs...

[Wardad]

Are You Smarter Than Miss America? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

http://www.brunching.com/pageantquiz.html

[geoschmo]

Well I missed 3.

How I was supposed to know that Mary Tyler Moore was diabetic I don't really know. I guessed Betty White. Stupid question.

The president question I misread as ex-Presidents so I didn't count GHWB. Although their answer of 6 is wrong as well. Did this quiz come out before Nixon died or something? Bush II, Clinton, Bush I, Reagan, Ford. That should be 5 no?

And I am ashamed to admit I missed Thurgood Marshall. Shocking display of ignorance on my part. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif

Geoschmo

[narf poit chez BOOM]

well, i know as much about that as one of them. 4.
of course, i'm canadian.
on the other hand, i'd probably do just as bad on canadian stuff.

[geoschmo]

DOH! Jimmy Carter. Of course.

[Loser]

I missed the MTM one, I thought she, specifically, had MS or Parkinson's or something... wait... that was Annette Funicello.

And I cheated on the president one. I asked the user who had me on the phone, at the time, if Gerald Ford was still alive.

[Wardad]

What Flavor Lip Gloss are you?

http://www.whirled-peas.org/naivete/quizzes/lipgloss.html

[Wardad]

Internet Addiction Test:

http://www.fuali.com/default.aspx?id=102

[deccan]

Originally posted by geoschmo:
The president question I misread as ex-Presidents so I didn't count GHWB. Although their answer of 6 is wrong as well. Did this quiz come out before Nixon died or something? Bush II, Clinton, Bush I, Reagan, Ford. That should be 5 no?<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Carter?

[Loser]

Yep. Carter. You may like to forget about him, old man, but we just won't let you.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

21%.

[Kamog]

I got 30%.

I was surprised by the question about "All your base are belong to us". Yeah, I can complete the sentence because I saw it in the name change thread. But I thought that it was something Tesco created; I had no idea it was so widespread. I still don't know how this phrase originated or what it means!

[Loser]

I am 43% Internet Addict
http://www.fuali.com/pix/102/2.gif (http://www.fuali.com/default.aspx?id=102)
I could go either way. Deep into the madness of nights filled with coding CGI-Scripts and Online role playing games, or I could become a normal user. Good luck!

Wow... that worked.

[Ed Kolis]

Originally posted by Kamog:
I got 30%.

I was surprised by the question about "All your base are belong to us". Yeah, I can complete the sentence because I saw it in the name change thread. But I thought that it was something Tesco created; I had no idea it was so widespread. I still don't know how this phrase originated or what it means!<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">It means "All your base are belong to us"! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

Seriously though, it's from a Sega Genesis game called "Zero Wing", and I guess it means something like "We have taken over all of your bases". The whole dialogue goes something like this:

Officer: Sir! We receive message!
Captain: Main screen on!
CATS (the mysterious evil cyborg guy; no idea where his name comes from): Good morning gentlemen. How are you today. All your base are belong to us.
Captain: What you say!
CATS: You have no chance to survive make your time.
Officer: They have set us up the bomb!
Captain: Take off every "zig"
Officer: Launch "zig"
Captain: For great justice!

And then the game starts and you fly one of the "zig" (MiiiiiiG's iiiiin Spaaaaace? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif ) fighters and blow evil stuff up http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

... I'm only 33% WHAT?!? (beats someone random up with two optical mice tied together as nunchukus http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif )

[Suicide Junkie]

39%, in case anyone cared.

Managed to score 100% in one try after doing it for real as above http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif
Is that good or bad?

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Leave the mice alone!
i decided to see what it would say if i did 100%. i thought it would be funnier.

[ August 27, 2003, 08:13: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[Loser]

Originally posted by Ed Kolis:
The whole dialogue goes something like this:<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Must correct insignificant inacruacies!
Sorry, can't help myself

In A.D. 2101
War was beginning.
Captain: What happen ?
Mechanic: Somebody set up us the bomb.
Operator: We get signal.
Captain: What !
Operator: Main screen turn on.
Captain: It's You !!
Cats: How are you gentlemen !!
Cats: All your base are belong to us.
Cats: You are on the way to destruction.
Captain: What you say !!
Cats: You have no chance to survive make your time.
Cats: HA HA HA HA ....
Captain: Take off every 'zig' !!
Captain: You know what you doing.
Captain: Move 'zig'.
Captain: For great justice.

http://www.planettribes.com/allyourbase/zerowing.gif

HISTORY AND TIMELINE (http://frogstar.com/aybabtu/aa-history.asp)

That will be all for now.

[geoschmo]

It appears to have lost something in the translation. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

We have got to make a speech file out of this. Can't you imagine it? The AI declares war and instead of "You have pushed us into a corner...blah blah blah" You get "All your base are belong to us!" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Wardad]

Abbot explains computers to Costello:

ABBOT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.

ABBOT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.

ABBOT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?

COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOT: Recommended something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOT: Yes.

COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOT: Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"

ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOT: You click the blue 1.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"

ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?

ABBOT: Just one copy.

COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOT: Why not? They own it.

COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to manage my money.

ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.

COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOT: Simply Accounting.

COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.

COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know-accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.

COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.

COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

ABBOT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: Why do you keep asking me to repeat myself?

ABBOT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.

COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOT: No, you only need one Word - the Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind. >click<

ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well.

--- Author Unknown ---

[Kamog]

LOL. Thanks, now I understand... sort of. All that stuff about "All your base are belong to us" is really funny! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

LOL. i wonder if anybody's got 'who's on first?'

[Jack Simth]

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
LOL. i wonder if anybody's got 'who's on first?'<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I didn't, but it was easy enough to find:
Taken from http://www.paradiselost.org/whosonfirst.html

COSTELLO:
Hey Abbott, you're the manager of the baseball team?

ABBOTT:
That's right.

COSTELLO:
Well, if I'm gonna play on the baseball team I gotta know the baseball players' names. Do you know the guys' names?

ABBOTT:
Oh sure.

COSTELLO:
Okay, you go ahead and tell me some of their names.

ABBOTT:
Well, I'll introduce you to the boys. But you know sometimes nowadays they give ballplayers peculiar names.

COSTELLO:
You mean funny names.

ABBOTT:
Nicknames, pet names, like Dizzy Dean.

COSTELLO:
His brother Daffy.

ABBOTT:
Daffy Dean.

COSTELLO:
And their cousin.

ABBOTT:
Who's that?

COSTELLO:
Goofy.

ABBOTT:
Goofy, huh? Now let's see. We have on the bags, we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.

COSTELLO:
That's what I wanna find out.

ABBOTT:
I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.

COSTELLO:
You know the fellas' names?

ABBOTT:
Certainly.

COSTELLO:
Well then who's on first?

ABBOTT:
Yes.

COSTELLO:
I mean the fella's name.

ABBOTT:
Who.

COSTELLO:
The guy on first base.

ABBOTT:
Who.

COSTELLO:
The guy on first base.

ABBOTT:
Who.

COSTELLO:
The guy on first base.

ABBOTT:
Who is on first!

COSTELLO:
Now whaddya askin' me for?

ABBOTT:
I'm telling you Who is on first.

COSTELLO:
Well, I'm asking YOU who's on first!

ABBOTT:
That's the man's name.

COSTELLO:
That's who's name?

ABBOTT:
Yes.

COSTELLO:
Well go ahead and tell me.

ABBOTT:
Who.

COSTELLO:
The guy on first.

ABBOTT:
Who!

COSTELLO:
The first baseman.

ABBOTT:
Who is on first!

COSTELLO:
Now wait a minute. (pause) Have you got a contract with the first baseman?

ABBOTT:
Absolutely.

COSTELLO:
Who signs the contract?

ABBOTT:
Well, naturally!

(pause)

COSTELLO:
When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

ABBOTT:
Every dollar of it. (pause) Why not? The man's entitled to it.

COSTELLO:
Who is?

ABBOTT:
Yes. (pause) Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

COSTELLO:
Who's wife?

ABBOTT:
Right.

(pause)

COSTELLO:
All I'm tryin' to find out is what's the guy's name on first base!

ABBOTT:
Oh, no--wait a minute, don't switch 'em around. What is on second base.

COSTELLO:
I'm not askin' you who's on second.

ABBOTT:
Who is on first.

COSTELLO:
I don't know.

ABBOTT:
He's on third--now we're not talkin' about him.

COSTELLO:
Now, how did I get on third base?

ABBOTT:
You mentioned his name.

COSTELLO:
I mentioned his name! If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

ABBOTT:
No--Who is playing first.

COSTELLO:
Never mind first! I wanna know what's the guy's name on third.

ABBOTT:
No--What's on second.

COSTELLO:
I'm not askin' you who's on second!

ABBOTT:
Who's on first.

COSTELLO:
I don't know!

ABBOTT:
He's on third.

COSTELLO:
Aaah! Would you please stay on third base and don't go off it?

ABBOTT:
What is it you want?

COSTELLO:
Now tell me who's playin' third base?

ABBOTT:
Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?

COSTELLO:
Why? Who am I putting over there?

ABBOTT:
Yes. But we don't want him there.

COSTELLO:
We don't want who there?

ABBOTT:
Of course not.

COSTELLO:
What's the guy's name on third base?

ABBOTT:
What belongs on second.

COSTELLO:
I'm not askin' you who's on second.

ABBOTT:
Who's on first.

COSTELLO:
I don't know!

ABBOTT & COSTELLO:
THIRD BASE!

(pause)

COSTELLO:
You got an outfield?

ABBOTT:
Oh yes!

COSTELLO:
The left fielder's name?

ABBOTT:
Why.

(pause)

COSTELLO:
I don't know, I just thought I'd ask you.

ABBOTT:
Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

COSTELLO:
Alright, then tell me who's playin' left field.

ABBOTT:
Who is playing first--

COSTELLO:
STAY OUTTA THE INFIELD! I wanna know what's the left fielder's name.

ABBOTT:
What's on second.

COSTELLO:
I'm not askin' you who's on second.

ABBOTT:
Who's on first.

COSTELLO:
I don't know.

ABBOTT & COSTELLO:
THIRD BASE!

(pause)

COSTELLO:
Can you tell me the left fielder's name?

ABBOTT:
Why.

COSTELLO:
Because!

ABBOTT:
Oh, he's center field. (pause) I can't help it, Lou--these are the guys' names.

(pause)

COSTELLO:
Look, you got a pitcher on this team?

ABBOTT:
Now wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.

COSTELLO:
Okay, tell me the pitcher's name.

ABBOTT:
Tomorrow.

(pause)

COSTELLO:
You don't wanna tell me today?

ABBOTT:
I'm tellin' you now.

COSTELLO:
Then go ahead.

ABBOTT:
Tomorrow.

COSTELLO:
What time?

ABBOTT:
What time what?

COSTELLO:
What time tomorrow you gonna tell me who's pitching?

ABBOTT:
Now listen. Who is not pitching. Who is on fir--

COSTELLO:
I'LL BREAK YOUR ARM you say Who's on first! I wanna know what's the pitcher's name.

ABBOTT:
What's on second.

COSTELLO:
I don't know.

ABBOTT & COSTELLO:
THIRD BASE!

COSTELLO:
You got a catcher?

ABBOTT:
Oh, absolutely.

COSTELLO:
The catcher's name?

ABBOTT:
Today.

COSTELLO:
Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.

ABBOTT:
Now you've got it.

COSTELLO:
All we got is a couple of days on the team.

ABBOTT:
Well, I can't help that.

COSTELLO:
Well, I'm a catcher too.

ABBOTT:
I know that.

COSTELLO:
Now suppose that I'm catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and their heavy hitter gets up.

ABBOTT:
Yes.

COSTELLO:
Tomorrow throws the ball. The batter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I wanna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

ABBOTT:
Now that's the first thing you've said right.

COSTELLO:
I don't even know what I'm talkin' about!

ABBOTT:
Well, that's all you have to do.

COSTELLO:
--is to throw the ball to first base.

ABBOTT:
Yes.

COSTELLO:
Now who's got it?

ABBOTT:
Naturally!

COSTELLO:
If I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta catch it. Now who caught it?

ABBOTT:
Naturally!

(pause)

COSTELLO:
Who caught it?

ABBOTT:
Naturally.

(pause)

COSTELLO:
Who?

ABBOTT:
Naturally!

COSTELLO:
Naturally.

ABBOTT:
Yes.

COSTELLO:
So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

ABBOTT:
NO, NO, NO! You throw the ball to first base and Who gets it.

COSTELLO:
Naturally.

ABBOTT:
That's right. There we go.

COSTELLO:
So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

ABBOTT:
You don't!

COSTELLO:
I throw it to who?

ABBOTT:
Naturally.

COSTELLO:
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!

ABBOTT:
No you're not, Lou.

COSTELLO:
I said I throw the ball to Naturally.

ABBOTT:
You don't--you throw it to Who?

COSTELLO:
Naturally!

ABBOTT:
Well, say that!

COSTELLO:
THAT'S WHAT I SAID! I throw the ball to who?

ABBOTT:
Naturally.

COSTELLO:
You ask me.

ABBOTT:
You throw the ball to Who?

COSTELLO:
Naturally.

ABBOTT:
That's it.

COSTELLO:
SAME AS YOU!! I throw the ball to first base and who gets it?

ABBOTT:
Naturally!

COSTELLO:
Who has it?

ABBOTT:
Naturally!

COSTELLO:
HE BETTER HAVE IT! I throw the ball to first base. Whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What, What throws it to I Don't Know, I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow--triple play!

ABBOTT:
Yes.

COSTELLO:
Another guy gets up--it's a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know. He's on third and I don't give a damn!

ABBOTT:
What was that?

COSTELLO:
I said I don't give a damn!

ABBOTT:
Oh, that's our shortstop.

(Costello has a caniption-fit.)
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">

[Loser]

Here's (http://www.radiolovers.com/shows/A/AbbottCostello/ABCOWhosOnFirstclip.mp3) that portion.

And here's (http://www.radiolovers.com/shows/A/AbbottCostello/ABCO47061824-22-m30m10sWhosOnFirst.mp3) the whole show they built around that routine for radio.

[Wardad]

MIND GAME


This is strange. Are you the 2% or 98% of the population?

Follow the instructions! NO PEEKING AHEAD!

* Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow.

* There's no trick or surprise.

* Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can!
* Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them ... really. * Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss something).
























Think of a number from 1 to 10
































Multiply that number by 9







































If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together







































Now subtract 5












































Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended up with

(example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c,etc.)











































Think of a country that starts with that letter






































Remember the Last letter of the name of that country
















































Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter












































Remember the Last letter in the name of that animal












































Think of the name of a fruit that starts with that letter










































Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange?





I told you this was FREAKY!! If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are different enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with kangaroos in Denmark when given this exercise. Keep this message going. This one is actually worth sending on to others. Forward it to people you know so they can find out if they are usual or unusual.

[Taera]

yay, im in the 2%...

[deccan]

Apparently, I'm in the 2% too. I thought of "koala bear" instead of kangaroo.

[Jack Simth]

Originally posted by Wardad:
* There's no trick or surprise.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Actually, there is something of a trick: the first section will ALWAYS yield a 4, and hence a D: Originally posted by Wardad:
Think of a number from 1 to 10
Multiply that number by 9
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">So we have either 9, 18, 27, 36, 45, 54, 63, 72, 81, or 90 (assuming a counting number is selected, anyway) Originally posted by Wardad:
If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">9 is a one digit, leave it alone; 1 + 8 = 9; 2 + 7 = 9; 3 + 6 = 9; 4 + 5 = 9; 5 + 4 = 9; 6 + 3 = 9; 7 + 2 = 9; 8 + 1 = 9; 9 + 0 = 9; 9 is the ONLY option at this point. Originally posted by Wardad:

Now subtract 5<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">9 - 5 = 4; again, it will always be a 4 here. Originally posted by Wardad:

Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended up with

(example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c,etc.)
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">a,b,c,d
D will always be selected, if a person't math is honest, they know their abc's, and they pick an integer in the initial range. Past that point, it is a matter of familiarity. Shakespeare made Denmark well known, the kangaroo is the first animal people usually think of if asked for an animal begining with 'K' as it goes in almost all of the ABC's books, and is just an odd word. Orange is a common choice for the same reason.

It's only freaky until you start analizing it. After that, it makes perfect sense that ~ 98% of the population will go with the predicted selections.

[Ed Kolis]

"Abbott and Costello, now they were partners, right? And Abbott was the straight man?"
"Yeah, I think so."
"Well what I want to know, is if two men are partners, why the hell would one of them be STRAIGHT!"

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

well, i read the bottom first and some reason camal got stuck in my head instead of kangaroo.

can anyone think of a fruit that starts with L?

[Jack Simth]

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
well, i read the bottom first and some reason camal got stuck in my head instead of kangaroo.

can anyone think of a fruit that starts with L?<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Lime.

I'm curious though, what country did you name that starts with a D and ends with a c?

[Kamog]

Lemon starts with L too.

[Kamog]

Originally posted by Jack Simth:
I'm curious though, what country did you name that starts with a D and ends with a c?<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Was it Dominican Republic?

[narf poit chez BOOM]

no, i mutated denmark. consiously. i'm really tired today.

[Atrocities]

Does any one have a link to the 200 + ways to tell if your addicted to SEIV?

[Jack Simth]

Originally posted by Atrocities:
Does any one have a link to the 200 + ways to tell if your addicted to SEIV?<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">It was easy enough to find: link (http://www.shrapnelgames.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=23;t=006010#000000)

Interestingly, I also found an earlier Version: link (http://www.shrapnelgames.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=23;t=004698#000000)

[deccan]

Got this from the latest copy of the Dilbert Newsletter:



I noticed there are a lot of specialty airlines these days. For example, Hooters has its own airline targeted at horny men, and Virgin has an airline targeted at virgins. My idea is to start Atheist Airlines, targeted at non-believers who want to avoid security delays.

At Atheist Air, prior to boarding, passengers would be required to spout blasphemous remarks at a display of artifacts from all the major religions. This effectively weeds out anyone who has a secret plan to meet the Creator in the next few hours. Blasphemers would be allowed to carry-on pickaxes, blowtorches, chainsaws, nun chucks, whatever, under the theory that atheists generally try to avoid hurting other people in any situation where there isn't a clear escape route.

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">

[Wardad]

Thought for the Day

"Life isn't like a box of chocolates.....
it's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today,
might burn your butt tomorrow."

---------------------------------------

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean.
She says, Well, the first 100% you can imagine.
In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"

[Loser]

"Life.. is like a box of chocolates. A cheap thoughtless gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back in another box of chocolates. You're stuck with this undefinable whipped-mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while there's a peanut butter cup, or an English toffee. But they're gone too fast, the taste is fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits, filled with hardened jelly and teeth-crunching nuts, and if you're desperate enough to eat those all you've got left is a.. is an empty box.. filled with useless, brown paper wrappers."
-The Cigarette-Smoking Man

[Iansidious]

I have another one of those MIND GAME from Wardad I was going to use mine is

pick a number 1-10



then multiply by 2

then add 8

then divide by 2

now subtract from the number you first picked[1-10]

now make it to a letter like 1-a 2-b 3-c ect.

think of a country that starts with that letter

now move to the next letter

think of a animal that starts with that letter

one Last thang think of the color of the animal

Why thats silly there are no GREY ELEPHANTS in DENMARK! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

hopeful I did it right just as Wardad said it's FREAKY! I was going post this a week ago but didn't but I never heard Wardad's Version nice http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif . by the way I was the 98% because I knew what was coming

Sign the SPACE WEASEL \\//_ Live Long and Prosper Wardad http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[geoschmo]

Originally posted by Ed Kolis:
"Abbott and Costello, now they were partners, right? And Abbott was the straight man?"
"Yeah, I think so."
"Well what I want to know, is if two men are partners, why the hell would one of them be STRAIGHT!"

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Ewwww, that gives a whole new meaning to "Who's on first. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Loser]

pulled from News of the Weird 1995 -- In Des Moines, Iowa, in May, Ruth Bradshaw, 93, awoke to find her house being burglarized and decided to pretend that she knew the perpetrator not as a burglar but as a friend of her truck-driving grandson. She welcomed him "back" into the home, served him breakfast, and insisted that he lie down and relax a spell, at which point she called police. Bradshaw attributes her smarts to her career as a bootlegger and a pastor. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Yep, I'm guessing those two occupations will keep you light on your toes.

[Kamog]

Originally posted by deccan:
Got this from the latest copy of the Dilbert Newsletter: <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Hello, fellow DNRC member! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[Jack Simth]

Originally posted by Kamog:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by deccan:
Got this from the latest copy of the Dilbert Newsletter: <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Hello, fellow DNRC member! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">You too? Did you ever put in for a title, or request support for the presidency?

[deccan]

Originally posted by Kamog:
Hello, fellow DNRC member! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Heheh, we're all members of the ruling class. All hail Dogbert!

[narf poit chez BOOM]

hitler was an atheist.

it's amazing how quickly some little socail theories can be blown out of the water.

oh, yes. he shot himself.

[Nocturnal]

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
hitler was an atheist.

it's amazing how quickly some little socail theories can be blown out of the water.

oh, yes. he shot himself.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Nah, hitler was a Christian. He was a member of Skull & Bones, the occult group that George W. Bush is a member of.

It's amazing how quickly some little dogmatic theories can be blown out of the water.

And so on.

[Loser]

Originally posted by Nocturnal:
Nah, hitler was a Christian. He was a member of Skull & Bones, the occult group that George W. Bush is a member of.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Neither of these would surprise or trouble me, but do you have documentation?

[narf poit chez BOOM]

napolean and the french revolution were both definitivly athiest.

[geoschmo]

Originally posted by Nocturnal:
Nah, hitler was a Christian. He was a member of Skull & Bones, the occult group that George W. Bush is a member of.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">ROFL!!! Uh, you really need to check your history a bit. First of all, "Skull and Bones" is an organization that you have to have gone to Yale University to join. Basically it's nothing but a fraternity/alumni association/lodge. It's a boys club where they get to dress up and drink and stupid stuff. They also do a little networking. If you're a S&B man you have an inside track on that job you want if the boss is an S&B man too. Somehow it picked up all sorts of nefarious rumors while George W. was president. Unless Hitler found time to go to Yale University at some point he was definetly not a member of S&B.

Hitler was a member of something called the Thule Soceity. Apparently that is where the confusion comes from because some people have tried really hard to make a connection between the Thule Soceity and Skull and Bones. There is none, unless you count the Trilateral Commision of course. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

[ September 02, 2003, 13:25: Message edited by: geoschmo ]

[Wardad]

Microsoft vs. GM
================

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000
miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would
have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio
antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Diest, Athiest, six of one or half dozen of the other. i'm just saying that true believers in christ, at least, with no reference to other religion's, try to love other people. hitler's and napoleon's actions cannot be reconciled with love and neither can the french revolution. since Europe had an oficial religeon with very little else in the way of religeon practiced at that time except the new one of science, napoleon and the french revolution where athiest. it's a person's actions that speak the loudest.

granted, there where other religeon's around when hitler was, but megalomaniacs are generally there own religeon. and on a happy coincidence, that goes for napoleon, to.

[ September 02, 2003, 19:01: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[Asmala]

Originally posted by Wardad:
Microsoft vs. GM<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">LOL http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif So true, so true http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Ruatha]

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
Diest, Athiest, six of one or half dozen of the other. i'm just saying that true believers in christ, at least, with no reference to other religion's, try to love other people. hitler's and napoleon's actions cannot be reconciled with love and neither can the french revolution. since Europe had an oficial religeon with very little else in the way of religeon practiced at that time except the new one of science, napoleon and the french revolution where athiest. it's a person's actions that speak the loudest.

granted, there where other religeon's around when hitler was, but megalomaniacs are generally there own religeon. and on a happy coincidence, that goes for napoleon, to.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Did somebody say "the Spanish inquasition"?

If "non-belivers" aren't seen as people, you can be "loving to people" yet commit terrible acts against others.
There are numerous examples of christians commiting terrible acts, some in the name of religion.
Being cristhian doesn't mean you are a "saint".
You are just as human as the rest of humanity.

(Edit, shouldn't this discussion be moved to another thread, or maybe we can just dig up some old thread on the issue and re-use it http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif )

[ September 02, 2003, 21:08: Message edited by: Ruatha ]

[narf poit chez BOOM]

the parable of the good samaritan rules out the inquisistion. at least, if you know what a samaritan is.

short Version, for those who don't know what i'm talking about, this parable was told by Jesus. this is a rendition of it.: man lying on the side of the road, robbed and left for dead. man's a jew. jewish priest walks by, goes to the other side of the road. jewish levite walks by, goes to the other side of the road. a samaritan walks by, binds the jews wounds, puts him on his donkey, when he reaches the city at the end of the road, he puts him in an inn and tells the innkeeper to charge the man's stay to his bill when he comes around next time.

the parable is supposed to show who a neighbor is, that is, everyone. the samaritan's where viewed as lower than the gentile's by the jews at the time, from what i know. and the samaritan's didn't like the jews, either. a levite is a member of the jewish tribe of levi and a heriditary priest.

no, christian's aren't any better than anyone else. nobody is better than anybody else except god, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost. but a christian is supposed to strive to be a better person.

[ September 02, 2003, 21:29: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[Wardad]

EVIL GENIUS TEST http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

http://www.fuali.com/default.aspx?id=111

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

I am 35% Evil Genius
Deleted, because i didn't like the movie.
and 32% computer geek.

Take the Evil Genius Test at fuali.com (http://www.fuali.com/default.aspx?id=111)

[ September 02, 2003, 21:58: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[Loser]

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
napolean and the french revolution were both definitivly athiest.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I thought he was just irreverent.

Actually, they didn't really have atheists back then, per say. He may have been a ... umm... ah, here it is, a "Deist": The belief, based solely on reason, in a God who created the universe and then abandoned it, assuming no control over life, exerting no influence on natural phenomena, and giving no supernatural revelation.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif"> (http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=Deist)
Anyway, if this is not the case, documentation?

[ September 02, 2003, 12:51: Message edited by: Loser ]

[Wardad]

For those wishing to show their support!!! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

http://www.arnold-2003.com/

[Wardad]

"Questions"

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.
The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.
How can this be?

3. There are two pLastic jugs filled with water.
How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!

READY FOR THE ANSWERS? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon6.gif

[geoschmo]

1. Take the Lions. If they haven't eaten in three years they are dead.

2. She shoots him with a camera. The water and hanging are part of deloping teh negatives.

3. Edit: Oops, misread that one Is the answer freeze the water in one of the jugs?

4. Charcoal

5. Yesterday, Today, tomorrow

6. Hmmmm. Haven't figured it out yet.

[ September 03, 2003, 18:20: Message edited by: geoschmo ]

[Loser]

1. The lions that havn'et been fed for three years are dead. This is a fairly safe room, just watch out for dieseses.

2. The woman is a photographer, and developes her own film.

3. I feel like I'm clsoe on this one...

4. Not getting anywhere.

5. Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

6. No e's

[Suicide Junkie]

That would be using the jugs.

You need to freeze the water before putting it in the barrel.

[Loser]

Good one on the Charcoal.

I have it on the jugs. Freeze the water from the first jug, then pour the second on in there.

[edit: dangit. Beat out again.]

[ September 03, 2003, 18:25: Message edited by: Loser ]

[narf poit chez BOOM]

1. didn't get it.

2. i came up with a more elabrate one. she shot him with a needle, held him underwater with a snorkle and then hung him by his feet. on a side note, a picture isn't the person. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

3. was thinking dye, but that wouldn't Last long.

4. didn't get it.

5. yesterday, today, and tommorow.

6. didn't get it.

but i did just wake up. an hour ago. hardly time to really wake up.

[Wardad]

Riddle Answers:

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

4. The answer is Charcoal. In Homer Simpson's words: "hmmmm...Barbecue."

5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

6. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.

[Wardad]

READ THE OFFICIAL POOP REPORT STORIES:

http://www.poopreport.com/Stories/index.html

Your #1 Source for Your #2 Business.
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/blush.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/blush.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/blush.gif

[ September 03, 2003, 19:53: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[Wardad]

The copper wus leggin' it afta this geeza darrn the chainy when iz torch fell n e bugg'd darrn the ol' apples n pears e nearly brarn-trou'd imself', und e stretch the swannie t see is ol' dear stand'n dare in the buff.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

The copper wus leggin' it afta this geeza darrn the chainy when iz torch fell n e bugg'd darrn the ol' apples n pears e nearly brarn-trou'd imself', und e stretch the swannie t see is ol' dear stand'n dare in the buff.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">near as i can tell, a cop was chasing somebodey and climbing a chain-link fence when he dropped his flashlight. during which, he or somebody else, lost his pants.


READ THE OFFICIAL POOP REPORT STORIES:
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">No Thanks!

[ September 04, 2003, 08:10: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[dogscoff]

3. There are two pLastic jugs filled with water.
How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">If the barrel in question was that of a double-barrelled weapon, you could pour one jug of water down each http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif


5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Xmas Eve, Xmas Day, Boxing day.

Oh, and Narf, you're not even close, I recommend a correspondence course at the Dick Van Dyke school of painfully bad cockney.

[Wardad]

Can you say the "B" word... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

9 things to hate about everyone:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the Last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their butt!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumb--s?

[ September 04, 2003, 22:43: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[narf poit chez BOOM]

a few points to cool your temper.

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

automatic reflex, some people talk with there hands.

2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

the remote is an item they own, nobody wants to lose something they own.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

yes, but you can't have a cake and eat all of a cake.

4. When people say "it's always the Last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their butt!

yes, but what they mean is it's the Last place they would look.

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

it's an exclaimation of suprise.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

there being exesivily polite. you can then growl at them before they actually ask there question. and you do have a choice. you can ignore them.

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

advertising is at least 50% lies. in this case, their trying to convince how much better it is. consider this back-up for your analysis.

8. When people say "life is short". What?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

what they mean is life is going by fast.

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumb--s?

the bus might have come and you might have missed it. in this case, there asking 'do i have to wait a long time, relatively, for the bus to come around again?'.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">yes, i know you probably got this off a website. but if these things bother you, you really need to relax and listen to what people are really saying. because, for some reason, humans don't always say what they mean, even when there communicating what they mean.

the mouse is analytical tonight.

[dogscoff]

yes, but you can't have a cake and eat all of a cake.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Oh yeah? Watch me....

*Dogscoff rapidly devours a large gateaux in the cookie-monster style.

Urp!

See?

[geoschmo]

Originally posted by Loser:
[QUOTE]That said, look here (http://www.tashian.com/multibabel/). You know you want to. You can get things like the following. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Oh man! That is so cool.

Here's a few more we might, or might not recognize. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

It makes the examinación to the protection of disowned the points of the chain!

The planets of the mineral are the thing more better possible.

Its development is narcotic!

We found many that I placed the rich ones of the zones in the form of vicinot of the star.

We admired its new progress.

They have speeds to him arrives of them in an angle. He we must be war.

Exactly if we not trusted the option are not violent species. We explained the war with carefree they company.

We concerned unfortunaty the one which their activities do not leave them chosen good. The war they has come from the way.

They had dissolved them during the Last mark! It has a war!

Their cities are burned by our fire vengeful!
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Everything, that one that is being broken outside the B here, is cut
he one and the free wax he becomes that he stabilized to each moneies,
hearted, around to this in paying of the order. The form extracts the
given mine yesterday, the troUsers that the probability of ptthhb,
where it is attributed, extracts each Qian in the necessity.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">can anyone venture half a guess as to what this might have been?


This gift of this, if an English expression (calculation) with having of two the a to translate, that is sensible between 5 diverse Languages? The authors of the software of the translation of SYSTRAN had had probably never to say this intentional use of the relative program. In date 2003 of July, it almost has the place with something to give the affluent return to the translation of the text of the software that seriously comes launchings from a language, that to spill itself repairs in the values and leggibili the other grammaticale he and in the conclusion of grammaticale of one for the technology of the language. But software equips this, of which it follows with the 10 translations with the same part of the text does not stop. The abundance requested, since then that sustenations of this time that one of the return of the direction of Willeextrangeiras and for English halves is and of her that does not answer sequitur with an almost certain similarity with the pipe of the accumulation totally. "Telephone" old man of the man of Emfatizou; Game;? Something is lost and to the times it benefits to something. They arrest it! he examines
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">this survives rather well. 3 times.

[ September 05, 2003, 19:40: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[Loser]

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
a few points to cool your temper.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Angry man ranting about things that don't really matter is funny. I know some people don't like this style, but George Carlin, Dennis Miller, Hunter S. Thompson, Dennis Leary, and even Jerry Seinfield make quite a bit of money off making people laugh at this stuff.

That said, look here (http://www.tashian.com/multibabel/). You know you want to. You can get things like the following. excess 9 all to to be hated things,:

1. Popolila not with its pulse when to request by the time... I know, where my pulse of the detonation that I am bar, where hell I am with you? I move in my cramp, if I to request, of where toletta?

2. They stop the person, that one that can above obtain to list ulteriorly of its cook, the end to try ignition the zone completes the external part of the game of the television, because it rejects, to the game of the television and the change to go the advice manually.

3. If people said "Oh, would wish to make him her cakes straight and to eat too". Putrefa the right part! Good which is a cake, if you he cannot eat them?

4. If people always to "it passed of the place you look" opinion. He is natural. For which hell he to continue the lheo to occupy the one that based? People do this? Who and where is? Its extremity goes that it gives an effect!

5. If people to say with the commentary of the film of "did, see that?" To lose, I did not pay $12, the end to come to the film of I he and the alla.vista to the premises from the repaired floor.

6. People, those too much question?" "Can I ignited around to the attitude you;... he requests. One chosen did not give, given it really here to the forms the sun of already?

7. If he is new something it turns ' e! mejoradó. Which is he? If it is new, therefore never he gave to something before him. If it is an improvement, later something before it must have and.

8. If people to say, "life are short". That thing? The life is the thing more of possible length putrid, the those all same ones that never! That thing can do that one you are longer you?

9. If you stop to take well-taken care of of the sweep-bus and you them "Has have the necessity somebody, until yet?" of the sweep-bus; it comes. If the sweep-bus to come, deaf person -- of S it arrested here?<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">

[Krsqk]

Maria had a small lamb, small lamb, marcature small, Maria had a small lamb that that trapunte this began that the snow was the woman of the objective of the woman.

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Here's a list of the new features in WinXP that's probably more accurate than the standard one:
The edges of Windows XP with dispositi again you, program improvement and the tools to him. He sees what___s of the news; he makes the examinación of a Exkursion of the maintenance; They approximately inform to the programs the fact that Windows XP, including that one the systems, contains accessore of the equipment and the communications and the programs of the maintenance. Lee to contain of the article of the complete descriptions, the end to obtain the main duties of the beginning for the conclusion. He tries the marks for him is in the glossario, trusting not very. He in line learns the advantages of the celebrity of his copy of Windows XP.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

And this one, which started out as "Do you, John, take this woman, Mary, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward?":

For Kong Shi during of grippi of two days and for and of this woman and von maul to the left of the progress wedded to woman, is is he political it due to the signal of the marcatura, cyon of the part, that he and disappears, has?<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">The progression there was especially amusing. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[ September 06, 2003, 03:18: Message edited by: Krsqk ]

[Kamog]

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">
Everything, that one that is being broken outside the B here, is cut
he one and the free wax he becomes that he stabilized to each moneies,
hearted, around to this in paying of the order. The form extracts the
given mine yesterday, the troUsers that the probability of ptthhb,
where it is attributed, extracts each Qian in the necessity. <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">can anyone venture half a guess as to what this might have been?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Everything outside is broken! He cut up everything, including the ball of wax, and didn't pay for it. I'll extract the price of my troUsers from him, using whatever means necessary.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

nope. there's very little in there that bear's a resemblence to what it was.

[Kamog]

Um, how about this?

"The function of the One is now to return to the source, allowing a temporary dissemination of the code you carry, reinserting the prime program. After which you will be required to select from the matrix 23 individuals, 16 female, 7 male, to rebuild Zion. Failure to comply with this process will result in a cataclysmic system crash killing everyone connected to the matrix, which coupled with the extermination of Zion will ultimately result in the extinction of the entire human race."

[narf poit chez BOOM]

something from the matrix. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[David E. Gervais]

The Matrix is simply a rock without mass, water without liquid, Light without brightness,... etc, etc, etc..

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Loser]

Strange things happen when you translate the following line. just a reminder to all employees, please keep your hands off of Matt's computer. It does not belong to you so you do not have permission to use it.

express that all the rectum a service repeated with him uses to him, far requests its moved hands with distant from chechmate of the calculation. It does not belong to him, therefore, not who the permission to be used.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">A friend sent this, and it's final product to me with the question "where did the rectum come from?".

Looks like "reminder" ~ "callback" = "recto un servicio repetido" = "rectum a service repeated"...

Those crazy Spanish.

[CEO TROLL]

I tried to get some help with "All your base are belong to us."

---
Its superficial lower whole number is belongs to us.

---
The superficial relative under complete to the east of the number belongs more to us.

---
The surface was used underneath soft on the other hand in the east that the number inside belongs they more.

--- Now Include Chinese, Japanese, and Korean ---
Its superficial lower whole number, is he inner he we, he is connected.

amusing

[Ed Kolis]

And now for something completely different...

It's a little known fact that after destroying the evil Galactic Empire, Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia went on to run a flea circus.

So one evening Luke was training the fleas and he said to Leia, "Hey Leia, come over here... the fleas won't jump."

Leia came over and looked at the fleas, poked them with her finger, said, "Yep, they won't jump, Luke."

Luke said to Leia, "Well we can't go and run a flea circus if the fleas won't jump! You've got to have some idea WHY!"

So Leia sang a song, and that explained to Luke why the fleas wouldn't jump.

WHAT SONG DID LEIA SING?

(Hint: It's a pun on a song from "Guys & Dolls" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif )

[Kamog]

If the fleas don't jump, Luke can always cheat by using the Force to move them around.

[Wardad]

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a
night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and
put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and
requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to
leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into
the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat
the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get
the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't
want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi
driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say
goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long,"
he says, as they drive away. "Stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. Had to
poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her
in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat
*** downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver veered off the road and hit a parked car...

[narf poit chez BOOM]

that's one reason to tell the truth... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[David E. Gervais]

Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline

* You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.

* Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

* The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

* When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

* The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

* You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."

* No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

* You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

* All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

* there's a giant rubber band stretching the length of the compartment. DON'T ask.

* there's another giant rubber band stretching the length of the rundway. DEFINATLY DON'T ask.

[Wardad]

I enjoyed the airline joke David.
----------

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV &Radio...

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing:
"Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning:
"She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed Last night."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead:
"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed:
"Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away...
"My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:
"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude:
"There's something big growing between my legs."

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me Last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator -
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ....... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics -
"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

Metro Radio -
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field"

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977-
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator -
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator -
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator -
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

[Loser]

Oh my!

Are all of those uncontrived?

[Wardad]

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the Reverend decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday. Which they did.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles Last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church Last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's 280 dollars I collected."

The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles Last week?"

Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's 3200 dollars in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

Louie just nodded.

That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

[narf poit chez BOOM]

LOL

[Wardad]

For when you're bored.

This will driving you crazy.

Use your mouse to control the fly swatter...

http://www.shockhaber.com/zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.htm

[narf poit chez BOOM]

400, only missed 2 the first time. then i quit, cause i've got other things to do. but it does get challenging around 400. it's just boring to get there.

[Wardad]

Teaching Math in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as the subset of set M and answer this question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels "feel" as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $120.
How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2010:
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es.....

[ September 11, 2003, 19:37: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[Wardad]

A professor is doing an experiment on a frog. He cuts off a leg and says, "Jump frog jump!" The frog jumps. The professor takes note of this and cuts off another leg. Again he says, "Jump frog jump!" With difficulty the frog jumps. Writing this down he cuts off another leg and says, "Jump frog jump!" Somehow the frog manages to jump. The professor then cuts off the Last leg and says, "Jump frog jump!"

The frog doesn't jump. Again the professor says, "Jump frog jump!" Still the frog doesn't jump. He came to the conclusion that a frog with no legs is deaf.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

are you sure that Last one won't be in japanese? from what i've heard, there really efficient about logging.
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

heh. kinda like some of the ways they determine just how bad something is for you 'ok, now hold the dogs head while i spray six months worth of hairspray in his eyes' or so i've heard.

[ September 11, 2003, 19:58: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[Jack Simth]

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
are you sure that Last one won't be in japanese? from what i've heard, there really efficient about logging.
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">They are very pure wood efficient on logging; they use thinner saw blades so that less of the wood becomes sawdust. In the US, much of the sawdust is captured and used for particle board and other things, so US logging companies are more concerned with the durability of their equipment as they still get use out of most of the 'wasted' wood. Many of those in Japan want pure wood for religious reasons, and the logging companies cater to that; they use thin, more readily breakable blades to reduce the amount of sawdust (of which they can sell very litte). Efficiency is always in reference to something specific, and that something must be previously understood by all parties in order for there to be a consensus on what is the most efficient. It is common for a single item to have vastly different efficiencies when viewed from different perspectives.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

well, that doesn't sound so effecient.

[Wardad]

but they do Elvis more efficently then anyone.

[Wardad]

Have you ever stopped to read instruction labels on products?
Here are some things you can find on instruction labels.

ON A HAIR DRYER
Do not use while sleeping

ON A BAG OF FRITOS
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP
Dierecions: use like regular soap

ON A FROZEN DINNER
serving suggestion: defrost

ON A HOTEL_PROVIDED SHOWER CAP
fits one head

ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESSERT
Do not turn upside down (Printed on the bottom of the box)

ON MARKS&SPENCER BREAD PUDDING
Product will be hot after heating http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON
do not iron clothes on body http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

ON BOOT"S CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE
do not drive cars or operate machinery

ON NYTOL (a brand of sleeping tablet)
Warning: may cause drowsiness

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
Warning: keep out of children http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

ON A STRING OF CHINESE_MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
for indoor or outdoor use only http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR
Not to be used for the other use

ON SAINSBURY"S PEANUTS
Warning: contains nuts http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Tesco's got a dessert?

i can see the hair dryer one. somebody probably left it on pointing at them then went to sleep.

[Wardad]

This is for all those people who keep complaining about "proper language".

How To Rite Good

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, ''I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.''
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

[Suicide Junkie]

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
400, only missed 2 the first time. then i quit, cause i've got other things to do. but it does get challenging around 400. it's just boring to get there.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I only got to 335 or so before I accidentally clicked a browser button and reset the page http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif

[Loser]

I'm up to 1124, and I can walk away from the computer and come back ans swap them.

Is there a way to lose this game?

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Understatement is always best
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">isn't that an overstatement? or perhaps an oversimplification? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

23: Oversimplification is bad.
24: Always, always, always avoid overstatement.

[Loser]

Now they're really big and really slow....

I don't think I can lose.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

i just poured the cheese in the boiling craft dinner. i feel really stupid.

[David E. Gervais]

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
i just poured the cheese in the boiling craft dinner. i feel really stupid.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">You mean before you drained the water? Well, that's not too bad, just serve KD soup instead. (You'll actually get more servings out of it.) and people will think it's unique and exotic. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Wardad]

Microsoft acquires Electrolux, makes numerous design revisions.
Finally releases a product that doesn't suck.
------------------

A Georgia State Trooper pulls over a pick-up on I-75. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, " 'Bout what? "
------------------

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries.

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four Languages, and it didn't do him any good."
-------------

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok." So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God, " and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off.

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God"
------------

Oldie but goodie:

A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got internet access to Intel Forums!"

[deccan]

Originally posted by Loser:
Now they're really big and really slow....

I don't think I can lose.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Maybe you can consider the real challenge as how many you can get in a single swat!

[Loser]

Nah, for a challenge I'll go bounce a tire (http://www.homestarrunner.com/pop_tire.html). If you get your score above 500, you get a special message when you finally lose.

[Loser]

Originally posted by deccan:
Maybe you can consider the real challenge as how many you can get in a single swat!<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Well, I'm up to sixteen hundred and it won't put any more than eight on the screen. So the most I can swat at one time is eight, so far.

[Kamog]

Those are great jokes, Wardad. I especially like the instruction labels ones. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[CEO TROLL]

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
i just poured the cheese in the boiling craft dinner. i feel really stupid.<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I overcooked MAC$CHEESE once.
I was listening to my son lie to questions about his day at school. The school had called earlier and told me he had skipped 3 days.
So I served the overcooked MAC&Cheese slop.
When he complained, I told him I am better cook than he is a student. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

[tesco samoa]

US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school. After
15 minutes speaking he says, 'I will now answer any questions you have.'

Bobby stands up and says: 'I have four questions':

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

Just then the bell goes off and the kids rushed out to play. Upon returning,
Mr. Ashcroft said: "I am sorry we were interrupted. I will answer any
questions you have.'

A little girl named Julie stands up and says: 'I have six questions':

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?
5. Why did the bell ring twenty minutes early?
6. Where is Bobby?

[Wardad]

Tesco - that's funny now.
Maybe it will not be funny ten years from now.
Did you ever read: "It Can't Happen Here" by Sinclair Lewis?

edit: spelings and dilsecex tyeping.

[ September 15, 2003, 16:23: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[Wardad]

> The Male Stages Of Life
>
> AGE DRINK
>
> 17 beer
> 25 vodka
> 35 scotch
> 48 double scotch
> 66 Maalox
>
> SEDUCTION LINE
>
> 17 My parents are away for the weekend.
> 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
> 35 My fiance is away for the weekend.
> 48 My wife is away for the weekend.
> 66 My second wife is dead.
>
> FAVORITE SPORT
>
> 17 sex
> 25 sex
> 35 sex
> 48 sex
> 66 napping
>
> DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
>
> 17 "tongue"
> 25 "breakfast"
> 35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
> 48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
> 66 "Got home alive."
>
> FAVORITE FANTASY
>
> 17 getting to third
> 25 airplane sex
> 35 menage a trois
> 48 taking the company public
> 66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
>
> HOUSE PET
>
> 17 roaches
> 25 stoned-out college roommate
> 35 German Shepherd
> 48 children from his first marriage
> 66 Barbi
>
> WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
>
> 17 25
> 25 35
> 35 48
> 48 66
> 66 17
>
> The Female Stages Of Life
>
> AGE DRINK
>
> 17 Wine Coolers
> 25 White wine
> 35 Red wine
> 48 Dom Perignon
> 66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
>
> EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
>
> 17 Need to wash my hair
> 25 Need to wash and condition my hair
> 35 Need to colour my hair
> 48 Need to have Francois colour my hair
> 66 Need to have Francois colour my wig
>
> FAVORITE SPORT
>
> 17 shopping
> 25 shopping
> 35 shopping
> 48 shopping
> 66 shopping
>
> DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
> 17 "Burger King"
> 25 "Free meal"
> 35 "A diamond"
> 48 "A bigger diamond"
> 66 "Home Alone"
>
> FAVORITE FANTASY
> 17 tall, dark and handsome
> 25 tall, dark and handsome with money
> 35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
> 48 a man with hair
> 66 a man
>
> HOUSE PET
> 17 Muffy the cat
> 25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
> 35 German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
> 48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
> 66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat
>
> WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
> 17 17
> 25 25
> 35 35
> 48 48
> 66 66
>
> IDEAL DATE
> 17 He offers to pay
> 25 He pays
> 35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
> 48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
> 66 He can chew breakfast
>

[Ed Kolis]

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR SON IS GAY OR STRAIGHT

(Note: This joke is not in any way intended to be offensive to gay people. Or straight people, for that matter! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif )

To find out if your son is gay or straight, take him to a football game. Then on the way home, ask him how many cheerleaders there were at the game.

If he says, "I dunno, Dad, I wasn't looking at the cheerleaders," he might be gay.

On the other hand, if he says, "Eight divided by two is four... four cheearleaders, Dad, there were four," he's DEFINITELY straight!

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Kamog]

The stages of life kind of get more and more depressing as you get older. Things look the best around 25-35, and then go downhill from there. Hopefully, things get better again at age 80 and 95.

[Wardad]

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you; so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

[Erax]

CAPITALISM EXPLAINED

Ideal Capitalism
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
They multiply and the economy expands.
You sell the herd, become rich and retire.

American Capitalism
You have two cows.
You sell one and make the other one produce four times as much milk.
You're surprised when the cow dies.

French Capitalism
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three.

Canadian Capitalism
You have two cows.
You adopt the American model.
The cows die.
You blame Third World protectionism and adopt some protectionist measures of your own so you can own three cows like the French do.

Japanese Capitalism
You have two cows.
You redesign them to be 1/10th their original size while producing 20 times as much milk.
Then you produce an anime series called "Cowmon" which you export to the rest of the world.

British Capitalism
You have two cows.
Both of them are mad.

German Capitalism
You have two cows.
They produce milk according to a regular schedule, following previously established standards for quantity and quality, in a precise and profitable fashion.
But what you really wanted was to raise pigs.

Russian Capitalism
You have two cows.
You count them and discover you have five.
You count them again and discover you have 42.
You count them again and discover you have 12.
You stop counting and open another bottle of vodka.

Swiss Capitalism
You have 500 cows, but none of them are yours.
You get paid to watch over other people's cows.

Spanish Capitalism
You have two cows and you are very proud of it !

Chinese Capitalism
You have two cows and 300 people milking them.
You claim to have full employment and high productivity.
The guy who leaked the numbers to the press gets arrested.

Hindu Capitalism
You have two cows.
And people had better not touch them.

Argetinean Capitalism
You have two cows.
You try to adopt the American model.
The cows die.
You sell their meat so the IMF can have a year's-end barbecue.

Brazilian Capitalism
You have two cows.
One of them gets stolen.
The government creates a Cow Tax.
An inspector fines you because although you paid the Cow Tax, you should have calculated it accoding to the number of presumed cows, not real cows.
The SRF (Brazilian IRS), also acting on presumed numbers, estimates you own 200 cows.
You give away your remaining cow so the inspector will let you off the hook.

[ September 16, 2003, 17:15: Message edited by: Erax ]

[Wardad]

Quiz Time:

What Kind Of Idiot Are You?
http://www.calgaryplanet.com/index2.html

[Fyron]

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got internet access to Intel Forums!" <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I like that punch line! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[deccan]

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif"> Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got internet access to Intel Forums!" <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I like that punch line! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Did Intel Forums exist 10 years ago? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

[tesco samoa]

wardad no i have never read that book.

[BBegemott]

Thtas irnesttineg!

aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

[Wardad]

There was a boy and a girl in a doctors waiting room.
The girl starts crying.
"whats wrong?" asks the boy
"Im having a blood test so their cutting my finger" replies the girl.
At this the boy starts crying.
"whats the matter?" asked the girl.
"im having a urine test" replies the boy.

[Fyron]

Originally posted by deccan:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif"> Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got internet access to Intel Forums!" <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I like that punch line! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Did Intel Forums exist 10 years ago? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Who is to say he didn't get shipwreaked yesterday and this is telling what happens in 10 years? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

BBegemott, go to the 'spelling is out' thread. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Wardad]

Good luck!!

http://www.beer.com/brands/us/labattblue/pop_game1.html

[Wardad]

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for him. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

[Kamog]

Originally posted by Wardad:
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Hopefully, she was the one who did the stock investing. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif If not, that's OK too. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Jack Simth]

Originally posted by Wardad:
Men are like that, you know. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif <font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">He didn't exactly need the money - he had $15,000 readily available to spend on the test, so it is decidedly unlikely he's usually strapped for cash. He found all three results equally pleasing, and had to find something for a tiebreaker. Makes perfect sense. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

speaking as one who stopped watching baywatch because i couldn't find any brains...

[Ed Kolis]

Two geeks walk into a bar and sit down...
One geek says to the other, "You know, I had the strangest dream Last night. I dreamed that Windows XP had a secret lockout feature that keeps anyone who uses it from sleeping with more than 32 women!"
The other geek turns to him ans says, "That's completely ridiculous - everyone knows that the mere act of touching a computer prevents you from sleeping with more than 0 women!"

(yes, this joke is inspired by an actual dream I had Last night! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif )

[Wardad]

Wedding Bliss

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered,
"Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Wally's life of celibacy.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

the difference between...

the difference between a romulon and a klingon: a klingon will only stab you in the front.

the difference between a romulon and a cardasian: the romulon won't enjoy stabbing you. well, not as much.

the difference between a cardasian and the dominion: the dominion'll just stab you.

the difference between the dominion and a ferengi: the dominion won't use lawyer's.

the difference between a romulon and a vulcan: well, logically speaking...*raises an eyebrow*

[Kamog]

the difference between a Klingon and a Bajoran: a Klingon will challenge you a Bat'leth fight to the death; a Bajoran will stab you in the back.

the difference between a Klingon and a Borg: negotiation is irrelevant. You will be assimilated.

the difference between a Klingon and a Vorlon: The avalanche has already started. It is too late for the pebbles to vote.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

since when did the bajoran's stab people in the back?

they blow you up with planted bomb's, you filthy oppreser.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

yes, the romulan's did do a transition from honerable to dishonerable and the klingon's did the reverse, now that you mention it. not to mention 'what happened to your face, man?' to qoute somebody on the forum's.

[rdouglass]

A teacher, a doctor, and a lawyer were driving home together from a fishing trip when the vehicle blows a tire and flips over killing all three.

As they all stood in line waiting to be checked for admittance into heaven, the three started discussing how the world would remember them and what they hoped people would say about them at their wake.

The teacher said "I want people to say how I was a fine educator and how some of my students grew into prominent positions of stature."

The doctor said "I want people to say how I was a skilled surgeon and saved many lives and enhanced many others."

The lawyer said " I want people to say 'Look, he's moving!!!"

[Wardad]

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all that:

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5"x5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
* synergy
* strategic fit
* core competencies
* best practice
* bottom line
* revisit
* expeditious
* 24/7
* out of the loop
* benchmark
* value-added
* proactive
* win-win
* think outside the box
* fast track
* result-driven
* empower (or empowerment)
* knowledge base
* at the end of the day
* touch base
* mindset
* client focus(ed)
* paradigm
* metrics
* economies of scale
* game plan
* leverage

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULL***T!"





Testimonials from satisfied "Bull***t Bingo" players:

"I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won."- Adam W., Atlanta

"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."- David T., Florida

"What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win."- Dan J., New York City

"The atmosphere was tense in the Last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben G., Denver

"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULL***T!' for the third time in two hours."- Carl G., Ca.

So try it! Besides your job, what have you got to lose?!

[Thermodyne]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Ottawa parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the Prime Minister for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Bon Jour. Jean Chretien, How might I help you?" And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at your favourite Parish. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Wouldye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

The Prime Minister, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of Last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

[Thermodyne]

Noah in Canada
A little updated Bible story, if Noah lived today...
The Lord came to Noah in Canada in the year 2003. Earth was wicked
and overpopulated. The Lord instructed Noah to build an ark and save two
of every living thing along with a few good humans. Here's the
blueprint," said the Lord. "Hurry. In six months I start the unending rain
for 40
days and 40 nights.

Six months later the rain came down. The Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his flooded yard -- and no ark. "Noah," He roared, "Where's
my ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "Things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I have violated the zoning laws by
building the ark in my yard and the height limitation is being exceeded.

We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then
Transport Canada and the Department of Highways and Hydro One wanted a bond
posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead
obstructions to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I argued
the sea
would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of this.
"Getting wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local
trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. No go! I
gathered the
animals, but then I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted I was
confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the
accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put
so many animals in so confined a space.

"Environment Canada decided that I could not build the ark without
filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. I'm still
trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many
minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. The trade unions want
me
to hire only union trades people with ark building experience. To make
matters
worse, Canada Customs and Revenue Agency seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally and with endangered
species.

So, forgive me Lord, but it would take at least 10 years to finish this
ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. A rainbow
stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder. "You mean you're not
going
to destroy the world?" he asked.
"No," said the Lord, "your government already has!"

submitted by email, author unknown

Copyright 2003 Cantender.com

[Thermodyne]

Brass Monkey

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters
carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls.
It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon, but how to
prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method
devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting
on four resting on nine which rested on sixteen.

Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small
area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to
prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The
solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations.
But,if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.

The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few
landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than
iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far,
the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls
would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass
monkey ............

[Erax]

In the old series, it was the other way around with Romulans and Klingons : a Romulan would only stab you from the front.

[Wardad]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help!
My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

[Wardad]

Jokes you can tell in church:

==============
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

===============

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell,
getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

===============

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

===============

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

===============

An elderly woman died Last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

===============

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

===============

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

===============

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a babysitter."

===============

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

===============

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

===============

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."

[rdouglass]

[Actual comments from sports commentators they wish they
could take back.]

Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch & Jerk Event:
"This is Gegoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this mor-
ning during her warm up and it was amazing."

Ted Walsh, Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a love-
ly horse and I speak from personal experience since I moun-
ted her mother."

At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that
nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the Cox
of the Oxford crew."

Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere.
It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is
playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife
takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I
just said?"

[Wardad]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, and golf!

[Wardad]

ISN'T IT NICE THAT SOMEONE CARES

Sen. John Kerry, recovering from prostate surgery, was told it would be
six weeks before he could be sexually active.

Joe Lieberman called to wish Kerry well.

Al Sharpton called Kerry to offer prayers.

Howard Dean called with a get well message.

Richard Gephardt called with encouragement on recovery.

Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry.

[Wardad]

The perks of being 50:

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

Chapter 1: Games for when we are older

1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners.

Chapter 2: Signs of menopause

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

Chapter 3: Signs we are getting old

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

[Wardad]

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
"I look horrible, fat & ugly.... pay me a compliment."

He replies, "Your eyesight is damn near perfect."

[Kamog]

LOL. Thanks for posting these jokes, Wardad. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[Wardad]

Here is a special one for you Kamog:
------------------

I just received the following warning:

There is a new virus. The code name is "WORK."
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else - do not touch WORK under any circumstances.
This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.

Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends.

Then retry.

Have a good day!!!!!!!!

[SpaceBadger]

How can you tell if a shark likes you?

[Jack Simth]

Originally posted by SpaceBadger:
How can you tell if a shark likes you?<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">It comes back for seconds?

[Wardad]

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

Passing requires only 4 correct answers!!

1) How long did the Hundred Years War Last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

[Ragnarok]

Originally posted by Wardad:
WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

Passing requires only 4 correct answers!!

1) How long did the Hundred Years War Last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">All trick questions I know...
#1 was what? 116 years? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif
#10 is orange? Or was it white?

But where do you get the answers for the list?

[Parasite]

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a short nap.
Although she isn't familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and returns to reading her book. Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside her and
says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies...as she thinks to herself, "isn't that obvious?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have you charged with rape," snaps the woman.

"But, I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"Yes, that's true, she replies, "but you do have all the equipment."

MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[Wardad]

Originally posted by Ragnarok:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Originally posted by Wardad:
WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

Passing requires only 4 correct answers!!

1) How long did the Hundred Years War Last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">All trick questions I know...
#1 was what? 116 years? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif
#10 is orange? Or was it white?

But where do you get the answers for the list?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">You were right, #1 is 116 years, #10 is Orange.

BTW: I lost a star. Maybe my jokes were badddd... or my signature line is not PC.

[ October 09, 2003, 21:37: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[SpaceBadger]

Originally posted by Jack Simth:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Originally posted by SpaceBadger:
How can you tell if a shark likes you?<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">It comes back for seconds?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Yep, he takes another bite.

SpaceBadger

[Parasite]

Originally posted by Wardad:

3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">3. Catgut is mostly from sheep.
4. MayDay, I think?!?
7. George (seems strange though)
9. New Zealand Kiwi.

[Loser]

4 is definately November.

[Jack Simth]

Originally posted by Wardad:
WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

Passing requires only 4 correct answers!!

1) How long did the Hundred Years War Last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Hang on - I've seen this somewhere before....

answers (http://frontpage.execulink.com/ronstobbs/quiz_answers.htm)

[Ed Kolis]

Trichinosis virus want ad: "For Rent - SPAAAAACE IIIIIN PIIIIIGS!!!!!"
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[primitive]

Originally posted by Wardad:
WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
.
.
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
.
.
<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Strange,
Last time i visited the doggy isles, I could have sworn they was located in the Atlantic http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

[Wardad]

Here's another example of someone with too much time and nothing to do.

Check this out:

Is This Your Phone Number?

Ignore your area code & using only 7 digit phone:

1) key-in the first 3 digit of your phone number into the calculator
2) multiply by 80
3) then plus 1
4) multiply by 250
5) plus Last four digit of phone number
6) plus Last four digit of phone number again
7) minus 250
8) divide by 2 at Last

Is the answer your phone number???

[Wardad]

Redneck vacation
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.

Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The Last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

[Wardad]

710
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage.
A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one."
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

Click here to see the photo:
http://rtccom.net/~mfjgolf/710.jpg

[David E. Gervais]

..as the mechanics laughed, another blond woman came in and looked over their shoulders.. "I don't see why you are all laughing, it was some dumb mechanic that installed it upside down in the first place."

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[ October 16, 2003, 17:54: Message edited by: David E. Gervais ]

[Jack Simth]

Originally posted by Wardad:
1) key-in the first 3 digit of your phone number into the calculator
2) multiply by 80
3) then plus 1
4) multiply by 250
5) plus Last four digit of phone number
6) plus Last four digit of phone number again
7) minus 250
8) divide by 2 at Last

Is the answer your phone number???<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">This will leave any positive integer x completely intact:
1) x div 10000
2) (1) * 80 = (x div 10000)*80
3) (2) + 1 = ((x div 10000)*80) + 1
4) (3) * 250 = (((x div 10000)*80) + 1) * 250 = 250*((x div 10000)*80) + 250 = 250*80*(x div 10000) + 250 = 20000*(x div 10000) + 250
5) (4) + x mod 10000 = 20000*(x div 10000) + 250 + (x mod 10000)
6) (5) + x mod 10000 = 20000*(x div 10000) + 250 + 2*(x mod 10000) = 2*10000*(x div 10000) + 2*(x mod 10000) + 250 = 2*10000*(x/10000) + 250 = 2*x + 250
7) (6) - 250 = 2*x + 250 - 250 = 2*x
8) (7) / 2 = 2*x/2 = x

It doesn't matter what number you start with....

[Saber Cherry]

Funny http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Hey, wait, my avatar is blond!

[Erax]

It's more like orange-haired.

[Wardad]

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.

After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying,
"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered,
"You've got to keep that old motor running".

The following year the young bride gave birth gain. The same nurse said,
"You really are amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said
"You've got to keep the old motor running".

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said,
"Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!"

He responded
"You've got to keep that old motor running".

The nurse then said,
"Well, you better change the oil. This one's black".

[Wardad]

A woman walks into a pharmacy and up to the prescription 'order here' counter..."I need some cyanide or some chemical like it to kill my husband," she says.

"Ma'am, you can't just walk in here and order chemicals like that and it's against the law to kill your husband'" answers the pharmacist.

She rustles around in her purse and produces an envelope and pulls out something and hands it to the pharmacist. It's a photo of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist remarks,"Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription!"

[Wardad]

Programmer or Serial Killer? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

See if you can pick out the killers!!!
http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/

[geoschmo]

Originally posted by Jack Simth:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Originally posted by Wardad:
1) key-in the first 3 digit of your phone number into the calculator
2) multiply by 80
3) then plus 1
4) multiply by 250
5) plus Last four digit of phone number
6) plus Last four digit of phone number again
7) minus 250
8) divide by 2 at Last

Is the answer your phone number???<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">This will leave any positive integer x completely intact:
1) x div 10000
2) (1) * 80 = (x div 10000)*80
3) (2) + 1 = ((x div 10000)*80) + 1
4) (3) * 250 = (((x div 10000)*80) + 1) * 250 = 250*((x div 10000)*80) + 250 = 250*80*(x div 10000) + 250 = 20000*(x div 10000) + 250
5) (4) + x mod 10000 = 20000*(x div 10000) + 250 + (x mod 10000)
6) (5) + x mod 10000 = 20000*(x div 10000) + 250 + 2*(x mod 10000) = 2*10000*(x div 10000) + 2*(x mod 10000) + 250 = 2*10000*(x/10000) + 250 = 2*x + 250
7) (6) - 250 = 2*x + 250 - 250 = 2*x
8) (7) / 2 = 2*x/2 = x

It doesn't matter what number you start with.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Here's an explanation of how this works for those of us less mathematically inclined then Jack Simth: http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

The idea is to take the first three digits of the phone number and add four zeros after it. You do this by multiplying by ten thousand. Then add the Last four digits to that and the result is your phone number. However doing these two simple steps would be easily recognizable and not illicate the proper "Spooky!" reaction, so the rest of the instuctions are combinations of steps that cancel each other out and so have no net effect.

Steps 2, 4, and 8 multiply the first three digits given in step 1 by 80, then by 250, and then divide by 2. This extra complication serves only to confuse and can be simplified down to multiplication by 10,000. (80 x 250 = 20,000, 20,000/2 = 10,000)

Step 3, adding 1, is usless complication meant only to confuse, and is canceled out by step 7, subtracting 250. You have to subtract 250 because in between you multipled by 250 in step 4.

Steps 5 has to be duplicated with step 6 because you are dividing by 2 in step 8.

Pretty neat, but very simple when you see what's happening. It the mathematical equivalent of a magician distracting you with irrelevant movements of his right hand while he pulls a card out of his left pocket.

[ October 20, 2003, 17:25: Message edited by: geoschmo ]

[Wardad]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your butt!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[Wardad]

cool games at Jarky

http://www.jarkey.net/play_games/pool.html

[Ed Kolis]

Something like this actually happened to my mom once... (She was the little girl http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif )

Little girl: Sister, what's the difference between Christians and Jews?

Nun: Well, for one thing, Christians believe that Jesus is God, but Jews don't.

Little girl: Really? (thinks) That's an awful strange thing to base a religion on, isn't it? I mean, what do they do at their churches, go around singing songs like "Jesus Ain't God And This I Know, 'Cause The Talmud Don't Say So"?

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

[Ed Kolis]

SE4 Daffynitions

Drushocka - A particularly outrageous episode of "The Drew Carey Show", such as the one where Drew and Mimi get married
Eee - What you say upon seeing a Drushocka
Phong - The only alien in SE4 named for the way the light reflects off his head
Applied Research - The technology that you research with the points produced by the facility that requires the technology that you research with the...
Starfury - An actor scorned
Terran - What ripper beams are doing to ships' hulls
Xiati - Gesundheit!
Ringworld - The bonus stage in a Sonic the Hedgehog game
Depleted Uranium Cannon - Not as healthy as a Vitamins A & D Fortified Uranium Cannon

[Ed Kolis]

One Sunday, a priest, knowing that God would see him were he out on the golf course, stayed home instead and played Tiger Woods Pro Golf 2004 on his PC. But since God is omnipresent, God saw him anyway and came to him and said, "Father! What are you doing playing golf on a Sunday? You know I could send you to Hell for that!" The priest stammered, "Golf? This isn't really golf... it's only a computer game!"
God's reply? "All right then, I'll send you to VIRTUAL hell - from now on, you can only play Everquest!"

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Wardad]

Originally posted by Ed Kolis:
"All right then, I'll send you to VIRTUAL hell - from now on, you can only play Everquest!"

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif <font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

ran into this on a bumper sticker: 'i've got a perfect body, but it's in the trunk and starting to smell.'

[ October 29, 2003, 03:15: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[Growltigger]

A husband and wife are in their bedroom. The man is in bed, reading a sports magazine, the wife is standing naked in front of the mirror looking at herself.

She says, "Darling, I really am feeling down, my fair is going gray and is a mess, I have laughter lines and crows feet, I have a double chin, my breasts are sagging, I am fat and the cellutlite on my thighs is like sandpaper, my backside is growing to be like two sides of beefs and my legs are full of varicose veins and are horrible, please say something nice to me, I need cheering up".

The man looks up from his paper and says "love, your eyesight is 20/20"

[Wardad]

*** You just can't win, and here are the reasons why: ***

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

http://dynamic3.gamespy.com/~tropico/cafe/attachments/kitty.JPG

[ October 31, 2003, 19:44: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[nesrall]

What do you call Rossanne Barr with a yeast infection?


A DOUBLE WHOPPER WITH CHEESE!!!! LMAO!

[Wardad]

Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and were totally pLastered.
The first guy said, ''Hey, I'll bet you a million bucks that I can jump out of this window, fly around the building, and land right here next to you!''
Being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely impossible bet, the 2nd guy replied, ''YOU'RE ON!''
So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came right back to the same spot.

''WOW,'' screamed the 2nd guy, ''That was incredible. Do it again!''
So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and landed right next to his friend.
''That is remarkable. Do it one more time!"

''Ok,'' said the first guy, ''But if I do it again, when I come back you have to do it."
The second man agreed, and with that, once again, the first jumped out, flew around, and came back.
''Your turn,'' he said.

So the 2nd guy stepped up to the window. ''This is easy. He did it, so can I!"
The much pumped second man, took a deep breath, and heaved his body out the window.
He fell straight to the ground and died instantly upon impact.

Calmly the first man walked back to the bar and ordered another beer.
The bartender remarked, ''You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman!'''

[Wardad]

You Might Be a Redneck Jedi If...

Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.

You can't describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word chicken.

You have a singing fishing hanging from the rear view mirror of your X-Wing.

You have ever used The Force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.

You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag.

You have neon lights under your landspeeder.

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

You consider your light saber as the ultimate bug zapper.

Your Jedi mentor ever said "Hey, pull my finger..."

Your X-wing is up on blocks in your front yard.

A Wookie has told you that you need to shave.

The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.

Sandpeople back down from your mama.

You pick your teeth with the light saber.

You wonder why Luke and Leia never got married.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used The Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side... it'll be a hoot."

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Your Jedi mentor ever said "Hey, pull my finger..."
<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">that's a widely known joke among people with mischevious senses of humor.

[Wardad]

Not what you'd call photo journalism at its best. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif
http://www.bbc.co.uk/oxford/news/2002/10/electricity.shtml

But, the picture does tell the story. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

[Kamog]

You have ever used The Force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Being a Jedi would be SO handy for many sports and games... it would be incredibly easy to get super rich with Jedi abilities. With telekinesis, mind control, and seeing into the future, gambling would be really fun.

[SpaceBadger]

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
ran into this on a bumper sticker: <font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Yikes, I hope no one was hurt in the collision!

SpaceBadger

[narf poit chez BOOM]

where do you think the corpse came from? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Suicide Junkie]

A pair of great NASA jokes:
http://science.slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=85044&cid=7417151

[Wardad]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all! Watch this!"

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the Last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up/down, depending on how much gas is in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

[Wardad]

A man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said,
"Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job."

The man behind the counter replied,
"Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes. The suits, shirts, and ties are provided.

Because of the long hours of this job, meals will be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays trips. The salary package is $200,000 a year!"

The man said, "You're bullsh....g me man!"

The man behind the counter said, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[Wardad]

Are you the weakest link? Below are four (4) questions. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.


Ready?


GO!!! (scroll down)


First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?


Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.


Second Question: If you overtake the Last person, then you are...?


Answer: If you answered that you are second to Last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!


You're not very good at this are you?


Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.


Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000.. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Scroll down for answer..


Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.


Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the Last question right?


Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?


Answer: Nunu?
NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again


KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE "SMART PEOPLE" IN
YOUR LIFE!

[Wardad]

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man,
"You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

[Loser]

It's been said that...

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Coca-Cola was originally green.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The State with the highest % of people who walk to work: Alaska
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 &lived in China in 1910.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Each king in a deck of cards represents a great king from history:

Spades- King David,

Hearts- Charlemagne,

Clubs-Alexander, the Great

Diamonds- Julius Caesar
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
111,111,111 x111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If
the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July
4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on
August 2, but the Last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that
makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?

A. Conception.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat
name
requested?

A. Obsession
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield
wipers dishwashers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All invented by women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the
year?

A. Father's Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most
ironic?

A. He was allergic to carrots.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?

A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.

When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight,"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his
son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because
their
Calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we
know today as the honeymoon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
mind
their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the
"mind
your
P's and Q's."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into
the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill,
they
used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only
Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English
language.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Coca-Cola was originally green.

been posted before; true
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is impossible to lick your elbow.

well, try. that ones also true - for your average person. i'm not a contortionist.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The State with the highest % of people who walk to work: Alaska

probably true
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

well, i think africa has more people per squar mile. north america is lightly populated, anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
111,111,111 x111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

true. just tested it out on the comp's calc. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

probably false. i think it's missing a few of those confusing english class things.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

heard that before. sounds like it could be true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand

well, if your assigning a number to a letter based on order, it would be one. this is confusing. clarify, please.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

i think it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?

A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

well, i do have a bit of a snoop urge, but i've only thought about that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.

When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight,"

well, i'm pretty sure the first part is true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their Calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.

something like that is unlikely to have survived 4,000 years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only
Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English
language.

unlikely.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

i know i tried.
<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">

[Fyron]

probably false. i think it's missing a few of those confusing english class things. <font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Nope. You can make sentences with just a subject and a verb. "He runs" is also a legitimate sentence.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

i thought you needed an adjective or something else. oh well. i never really cared about the 'rules' of english.

[Suicide Junkie]

How about:

NO!

Does that count?

[Fyron]

A sentence must have a verb and a noun. Everything else is not strictly necessary, but those 2 are.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

ah, but 'NO!' does have a noun. a borrowed one from the previous sentence, but still a noun.

[Fyron]

No it does not. A proper sentence must stand on its own as a sentence, not be dependant on other sentences.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

since understanding of a sentence generally rests on the sentences surrounding it, most sentences are depedent on other sentences for there meaning, which is an integral part of what a sentence is. and a dependent sentence is no less a sentence.

your slipping, Fyron. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Mephisto]

The shortest sentance I know is in latin and is "I".

[Wardad]

Taken from the MIT Course Evaluation Guide, Fall, 1991

The Best and Worst Comments Received
====================================

"This class was a religious experience for me...
I had to take it all on faith."

"Text makes a satisfying `thud' when dropped on the floor."

"The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."

"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame."

"Textbook is confusing...
Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."

"Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another?
That's the way I felt all term."

"In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it."

"Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot."

"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant.
Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."

"Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

"In class the syllabus is more important than you are."

"I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his class."

"Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"

"Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material."

"Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing -- it's a great stress reliever."

"He is one of the best teachers I have had... He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject.
I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."

"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels.
They've got a cool nest in the tree."

"He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."

"This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

"Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class.
Then solidarity kicked in."

"Bogus number crunching. My HP is exhausted."

"The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."

"TA steadily improved throughout the course... I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up."

"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose -- spraying in all directions -- no way to stop it."

"I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used more while doing the problem sets that I would have used the text."

"What's the quality of the text? `Text is printed on high quality paper.'"

[Fyron]

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
since understanding of a sentence generally rests on the sentences surrounding it, most sentences are depedent on other sentences for there meaning, which is an integral part of what a sentence is. and a dependent sentence is no less a sentence.

your slipping, Fyron. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif <font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">No. For any sentence to be a complete, real sentence, it must stand completely alone. It does not have to mention what pronouns like "it" refer to, but it does have to be a meaningful, structurally complete sentence on its own. Otherwise, it is a sentence fragment. "No" and "I" are not sentences, they are sentence fragments.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

ah. but my contention about most sentences relying a great deal on the sentences around them for their meaning?

[Mephisto]

"I" means "GO!" and therefore is a complete sentance. Anyone can understand it without a sentance before or after it. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

it doesn't have a noun.

[Wardad]

COWBOY BOOTS

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Her trial starts next month.

[Kamog]

The sentence is a command so it doesn't need a noun. When you say, "go over there", the subject "you" is implied.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

and still requires the sentences around it to give it meaning and defintion; unspoken if not spoken sentences. simply saying 'GO!' transmits no real information.

[Mephisto]

Of course it does. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif It is very clear what you should do, isn't it? In this perspective, "I am" isn't any better: "I am" what? A human? An animal? Upset? Fed up?

[David E. Gervais]

hmmm, If a sentance needs both a verb and a noun to qualify then it stands to reason the the shortest sentance would have to be two words.

IE:

"Speak friend."
"Enter please."
"Logically speaking."
etc, etc, etc...

But many words are used alone and are perfectally acceptable as complete sentances..

"Stop!", "Enter.", "Hello.", "Goodbye." etc,..

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Parasite]

"Run!" commanded the English professor turned bomb squad member as the timer clicked down toward zero.

"It was too a syntactically correct sentence." he replied as the bomb exploded.

Oh, the dangers of using the English language correctly. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

'DUCK!' does indeed rely on context. it means on thing on a duck hunt and quite another pretty much anywhere else, unless not spoken with alarm, in which case, it's meaning is partly that of it's meaning on a duck hunt, without the intent to shoot the duck.

'STOP!', while tending to indicate a clear desire to desist, depends on it's context to determine what is to be stopped.

'enter.' can mean to enter a dwelling, input something on a computer, or a key normally used in the process of doing so.

'hello.' tends to be a greeting, but is dependent on context to determine who it is being spoken to and some other facter's, such as tone of voice, determine how warm a greeting it is, what type of greeting it is and wether the person would like to stay and talk.

'goodbye.' tends to be a farewell, but is dependent on context and tone of voice to determine how long the farewell is to Last, wether it is permanent or not and wether there are warm feelings or not.

my theory still holds.

[Loser]

Dispute elsewhere.

Bring the funny here.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

funny? BUNNY!

[Wardad]

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest.
A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away.

When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of Oz.
They decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."

Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"