Jokes and Riddles Centre [Archive] - Page 3

geoschmo

November 14th, 2003, 02:29 AM

Originally posted by Imperator Fyron:
"No" and "I" are not sentences, they are sentence fragments. You are incorrect. The definition of "sentence" accoring to the American Heritage Dictionary is: A grammatical unit that is syntactically independent and has a subject that is expressed or, as in imperative sentences, understood and a predicate that contains at least one finite verb. Note carefully that 'syntactically independent' does NOT mean that the sentence cannot be dependant on other sentances for context or meaning. So by that definition "No.", "Go.", or "I am." are all perfectly acceptable sentences. As long as we are both talking about "I" in it's latin meaning of "Go." I would agree that "I" in english is not syntactically independent, and therfore is not a sentance.

I do have a single word sentance that requires no additional information to be completely and clearly understood.

"Duck!" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

However, duck is four letters, so technically it's longer then "I am." despite being only one word. It is faster to say though, being only one syllable instead of two.

Pretty much any verb can be used as an imperative one word sentance where the subject is unterstood from the context in which it is used.

Geoschmo

[ November 13, 2003, 12:42: Message edited by: geoschmo ]

Wardad

November 15th, 2003, 04:12 AM

Two guys are shopping in a supermarket when their carts collide.. One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was looking for my wife."..

"What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife as well, and I'm getting

a little desperate.".. "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does

your wife look like?".. "She's tall, with long blond hair, long firm legs,

huge boobs and a very nice tight butt. What's your wife look like?"..

"Never mind, let's look for yours

tesco samoa

November 15th, 2003, 07:05 AM

now read this thread like this

http://www.psyclops.com/translator/translator.cgi?mode=pimp&url=http://www.shrapnelgames.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=23;t=009580

http://www.psyclops.com/translator/translator.cgi?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.shrapnelgames. com%2Fcgi-bin%2Fultimatebb.cgi%3Fubb%3Dget_topic%3Bf%3D23%3B t%3D009580&mode=redneck

p.s. new strongbad

http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail88.html

deccan

November 15th, 2003, 07:57 AM

Originally posted by tesco samoa:
http://www.psyclops.com/translator/translator.cgi?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.shrapnelgames. com%2Fcgi-bin%2Fultimatebb.cgi%3Fubb%3Dget_topic%3Bf%3D23%3B t%3D009580&mode=redneck
Who's Leroy?

narf poit chez BOOM

November 15th, 2003, 08:21 AM

Leo's older brother. he left the circus. said he didn't like chair's.

Ed Kolis

November 15th, 2003, 10:30 PM

Rick, Susan, and Amy were hanging around when all of a sudden the phone rang. Rick got to it first so he answered.

"Hello?"

Through the handset, Rick heard what no earthly man was meant to hear, and immediately began sputtering gibberish, then clutched his head, writhed in pain, and fell to the floor unconscious.

"What happened to him?" asked Susan.

"Oh, he must have answered the call of Cthulhu", said Amy. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

Wardad

November 16th, 2003, 12:21 AM

This year's "Feeling old?"

THE CLASS OF 2007

Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman.

Here is this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were
born in 1985.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.

They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.

They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the cold war.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and pLastic.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

The statement "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.

They have never owned a record player.

They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.

They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.

They have always had cable.

There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the
"Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.

Feeling old Yet? There's more:

They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.

Roller skating has always meant inline for them.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They have never seen Larry Bird or Magic Johnson play.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I, W.W.II and the Civil War.

They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. (The correct answer, by the way, is Ork)

They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!"

They do not care who shot J.R.and have no idea who J.R.was.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not bands.

There has always been MTV.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? If you do, then pass this on to some other old fogies...but don't send it back to me, I feel old enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mother Superior gathers up all the nuns in the convent and says, "I have to tell you something...We now have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

A nun at the back says, "Thank God. I am SO tired of the Chardonnay."

Ed Kolis

November 16th, 2003, 01:36 AM

Young Kasparov, upon seeing a zebra at the zoo:
"Look, Daddy! That knight can't decide which side he's on!"

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Wardad

November 17th, 2003, 03:16 AM

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first
half of a proverb and asked him or her to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to
believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading
these keep in mind that these are first graders .. "6" year-olds, because the Last one is a classic!

Better to be safe than............ punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the ...............bug is close.

It's always darkest before................ Daylight Saving Time.

Never underestimate the power of..............termites.

You can lead a horse to water but............... how?

Don't bite the hand that................looks dirty.

No news is...................impossible.

A miss is as good as a....................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new.............. math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll............ stink in the morning.

Love all, trust...............me.

The pen is mightier than the................pigs.

An idle mind is...............the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's..............pollution.

Happy the bride who............gets all the presents.

A penny saved is............... not much.

Two's company, three's.......... the Musketeers.

Don't put off till tomorrow what.......you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your nose.

There are none so blind as............Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.

You get out of something only what you..... see in the picture on the box.

When the blind lead the blind............ get out of the way.

And the favorite:

Better late than........................... pregnant

Starhawk

November 17th, 2003, 09:11 AM

Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flights crews.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples
that have been heard or reported:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat
backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing
of the airplane.

Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in
the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.

Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the
birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and
raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you
for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front
of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from
the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This
aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the
cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until
the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!

"Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose pressure,
oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over
your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like
children.

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

"And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none
of them are on this flight. "

Narratio

November 17th, 2003, 12:53 PM

I remember when all this be again...

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The
surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at
his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a
question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the
motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and
asked, "So Doc, look at this engine I open its heart, take valves out,
fix'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So
how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks,
when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The surgeon paused, then smiled and leaned over and whispered to the
mechanic..... "Try doing it with the engine running!

tesco samoa

November 18th, 2003, 06:28 AM

NSFW http://www.pornolize.com/cgi-bin/pornolize2/pornolize2.cgi?lang=en&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.shrapnelgames.com%2Fcgi-bin%2Fultimatebb.cgi%3Fubb%3Dforum%3Bf%3D23

Yes I put a warning there... It is quite funny but warning do not click on it if your offened by harsh language.

http://www.pornolize.com/ is the site link

i know... two Posts with site changers...

Kamog

November 18th, 2003, 07:09 AM

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif not for children... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif
It's quite funny, though. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Fyron

November 18th, 2003, 07:22 AM

Tesco, please rewrite those Posts so that the displayed text on the hyperlinks does not screw with the forum formatting...

Wardad

November 25th, 2003, 02:50 AM

Eat my shorts, man!

http://www.comedyboard.com/cb.php?goto=5002656

narf poit chez BOOM

November 25th, 2003, 02:56 AM

gee, a logically constructed political arguement.

what? you thought i meant here??

narf poit chez BOOM

November 25th, 2003, 12:36 PM

a qoute, from: http://www.sfwa.org/writing/mistakes_allen.htm

My favorite recent sample of this nonsense: the term "temporarily able-bodied,
"denoting all those persons who unfairly do not have a handicap at the moment.
This term was used in deadly seriousness. Fun people.


[ November 25, 2003, 10:50: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

Loser

November 25th, 2003, 06:58 PM

I was in the VIP lounge Last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac.

I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Chris" at me when I was with my client. He agreed.

Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Chris, what's happening?" To which I replied "**** off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."

narf poit chez BOOM

November 26th, 2003, 02:51 AM

a really bad joke...

once apon a time, there was a fisherman who went out farther and in more dangerous weather than anyone else. in fact, he went out no matter the weather, even in gales. when the other fishermen asked him how he did it, this fisherman, who wasn't very articulate, just mumbled "no capsize." this left the other fishermen very puzzled. what did it mean? did he mean that he couldn't capsize? that he knew some secret to keep from capsizing? did he just not capsize and not know why? however, they got their answer's finally, after many weeks of asking, when they learned it was something he didn't have that they did. the fisherman, obviously making an effort, pointed firmly at his hatless head and said "no cap size."

i told you it was a really bad joke and i'm not responcible for any mental trauma, nail biting, intense urges to kill me, halotosis or going out fishing without a hat and getting mauled by the other fishermen for a gross violation of etiquete*.

*i have never been fishing.

Wardad

November 27th, 2003, 01:38 AM

WHO SAID MEN AREN'T SENSITIVE?

A woman meets a guy in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor.
Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher.
Huge enormous bearson the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by the evidence of his sensitive side! She turns to him, invitingly...they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the after glow, the woman rolls over andasks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"

The guy yawns:"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

Wardad

December 5th, 2003, 02:47 AM

Everybody that has been a college student MUST feel for this guy!!!

Electron Band Structure In Germanium, My A**

Abstract: The exponential dependence of resistivity on temperature in germanium is found to be a great big lie. My careful theoretical modeling and painstaking experimentation reveal 1) that my equipment is crap, as are all the available texts on the subject and 2) that this whole exercise was a complete waste of my time.

Introduction

Electrons in germanium are confined to well-defined energy bands that are separated by "forbidden regions" of zero charge-carrier density. You can read about it yourself if you want to, although I don't recommend it. You'll have to wade through an obtuse, convoluted discussion about considering an arbitrary number of non-coupled harmonic-oscillator potentials and taking limits and so on. The upshot is that if you heat up a sample of germanium, electrons will jump from a non-conductive energy band to a conductive one, thereby creating a measurable change in resistivity. This relation between temperature and resistivity can be shown to be exponential in certain temperature regimes by waving your hands and chanting "to first order".

Experiment procedure

I sifted through the box of germanium crystals and chose the one that appeared to be the least cracked. Then I soldered wires onto the crystal in the spots shown in figure 2b of Lab Handout 32. Do you have any idea how hard it is to solder wires to germanium? I'll tell you: real goddamn hard. The solder simply won't stick, and you can forget about getting any of the grad students in the solid state labs to help you out.
Once the wires were in place, I attached them as appropriate to the second-rate equipment I scavenged from the back of the lab, none of which worked properly. I soon wised up and swiped replacements from the well-stocked research labs. This is how they treat undergrads around here: they give you broken tools and then don't understand why you don't get any results.

Fig. 1: Check this sh** out.
In order to control the temperature of the germanium, I attached the crystal to a copper rod, the upper end of which was attached to a heating coil and the lower end of which was dipped in a thermos of liquid nitrogen. Midway through the project, the thermos began leaking. That's right: I pay a cool ten grand a quarter to come here, and yet they can't spare the five bucks to ensure that I have a working thermos.

Results

Check this sh** out (Fig. 1). That's bonafide, 100%-real data, my friends. I took it myself over the course of two weeks. And this was not a leisurely two weeks, either; I busted my butt day and night in order to provide you with nothing but the best data possible. Now, let's look a bit more closely at this data, remembering that it is absolutely first-rate. Do you see the exponential dependence? I sure don't. I see a bunch of crap.
Christ, this was such a waste of my time.
Banking on my hopes that whoever grades this will just look at the pictures, I drew an exponential through my noise. I believe the apparent legitimacy is enhanced by the fact that I used a complicated computer program to make the fit. I understand this is the same process by which the top quark was discovered.

Conclusion

Going into physics was the biggest mistake of my life. I should've declared CS. I still wouldn't have any women, but at least I'd be rolling in cash.

[ December 05, 2003, 00:51: Message edited by: Wardad ]

Slynky

December 5th, 2003, 03:36 AM

"Pun Man" strikes again:

Two peanuts walk into a rowdy bar. One was asalted.
-------------------------------------------------------
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything."
-------------------------------------------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food in
here."
-------------------------------------------------------
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
-------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says "A beer
please, and one for the road."
-------------------------------------------------------
Two antenna meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony
wasn't much but the reception was great.
-------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste
funny to you?"
-------------------------------------------------------
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly "I
was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said
Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"
-------------------------------------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says
"Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
-----------------------------------------------
I went to a seafood disco Last week.... and pulled a mussel.
-------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.
-------------------------------------------------------
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says
"Dam!"

Kamog

December 5th, 2003, 04:48 AM

Originally posted by Wardad:
Everybody that has been a college student MUST feel for this guy!!! Yes. When I was in school, I many spent long nights in the lab doing frustrating experiments that don't work well. I majored in engineering physics, and the worst labs were on analog electronics design and feedback-control systems. I remember designing analog circuits based on the textbook equations, and then I simulated them on the computer, and the simulated characteristics didn't match my calculations. Then I built the actual circuit and tested it, and the results don't match either my calculations nor my computer simulation. So after many days and nights of work, not being able to get the results to match, I end up adding a lot of "parasitic capacitances" and stray resistances and so on in the math to try to adjust the numbers to be similar. Then the inverted-pendulum balancing feedback control system lab was a lot of trouble, too. The thing never worked very well and we worked so hard on it... Oh, and those frustrating chemistry experiments that don't work! Lab experiments often do not match textbook theory.

Wardad

December 6th, 2003, 12:43 AM

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.

They're up in heaven and God's sitting on the great white throne.

God addresses Al first."Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I
believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve.

I have come to understand that now."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge
against my fellow man and I hope no grudges are held against me."

God thinks for a second and says "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."

God then addresses Hillary."Hillary, what do you believe in?"

Hillary says "I believe you're in my chair."

Wardad

December 6th, 2003, 03:12 PM

There were these two gay guys in a bar.
One walks up to the other and says...
"Can I push in your stool?"
=====

There were these two gay women in a bar.
One walks up to the other and says...
"Les-be-friends."
=====

There were these two gay guys in a bar.
One walks up to the other and says...
"Let's blow this joint."
=====

do you know any more?

Wardad

December 10th, 2003, 03:03 AM

A Short Hot Love Story............

I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU...

I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND CONTROL YOU...

I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL

YOU GRUNT AND GROAN...

I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY...

I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU

WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I LEAVE.

YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.

ALL MY LOVE,

THE FLU

Just a reminder..............time to get a flu shot.

Wardad

December 10th, 2003, 07:58 PM

Man, this just kills me. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif Happy BK Holiday:

http://load.pquinn.com/binaries/fries/

Wardad

December 11th, 2003, 05:57 AM

A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"

"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?"

"About two minutes ago," came the reply.

Kamog

December 11th, 2003, 07:40 AM

LOL. That one is funny! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Erax

December 11th, 2003, 04:12 PM

A man dies and goes to heaven, but is told that Heaven is full at the moment and that he will be temporarily assigned to Hell. Furious at this (and remembering all the fun stuff he never did just so he could get into Heaven), he demands to see St. Peter. St. Peter arrives, takes him to a quiet corner and says, "You know, Hell is not what you think. There are no torture devices or fire, we made those up so you people on Earth would behave. In fact, Hell is similar to Earth, except that everyone owns a car and there's beer and women for everyone."

The guy has a hard time believing this, but given that it's St. Peter telling him these things he finally gives in and signs the transfer forms. The angel at the desk smiles and points him to an elevator.

He enters the elevator, and the Devil enters right after him. The doors close and the elevator starts going down, as the Devil rubs his hands and snickers.

The man, who by now is tired of being pushed around, faces the Devil and says, "You don't scare me, pal. I have it on good authority that Hell is just like Earth, except that everyone owns a car and there's beer and women for everyone."

"The devil grins and says, "Yes, but the car is Russian, the beer is American and the women are psychologists."

Wardad

December 11th, 2003, 08:20 PM

LOL! There really is a HELL!

Wardad

December 11th, 2003, 08:23 PM

This made me chuckle!

CREDIT CARD

My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00)

I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CitiBank: ".....(stammer)"

CitiBank: "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )

( After they get the fax. )

CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

Me: "Oh..."

CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )

CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"

Wardad

December 13th, 2003, 02:11 AM

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property."

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's husband. He says he can't communicate with me."

narf poit chez BOOM

December 13th, 2003, 02:34 AM

how'd they ever get married???? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Wardad

December 13th, 2003, 02:39 AM

The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call.

Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.

Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?"

Kelly: "This is my mother."

narf poit chez BOOM

December 13th, 2003, 07:49 AM

when i was in school, something, perhaps my shoulder-length hair, prompted some people to try to insult me by implying i was a girl. this is about what 80%+ of them said: "He's a girl." generally, word for word.

somehow, i just couldn't feel insulted by people with that loose a grasp of the english language. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif aside from the slight fact that i was kinda over the 'girl germs' stage. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

Loser

December 13th, 2003, 03:36 PM

Your school was, I think, very different from mine, Narf.

When I was in tenth grade one of the anti-heroes, rebellious types generally of the leather-and-chains, skater, or granola crowds, wore a skirt to school. Tom Poe was a leather-jacket-wearing punk, a very intelligent and personable guy. He was suspended for three days for 'causing a distraction' or somesuch.

The next day hundreds of guys were wears skirts. Jocks, punks, hippies, goths (oh especially the goths, and fishnet too), wunderkind, hicks, everyone had some guy in their circle who wore a skirt some time in the next few weeks. Tom still had to serve out the rest of his little sentence, but the school officials sure as heck didn't do anything about any other guys wearing skirts. In fact, there were at least three guys (all straight) who continued to wear skirts with some frequency for the rest of their time at Palmer.

As an epilog, Tom Poe dropped out the next year. I ran into him a while back and he owns about a dozen houses that he maintains himself and rents out. He still dresses in the black denim, leather-and-chains style, but now he drives a Porsche.

The whole three years I was at that school, no one ever, ever got ragged on for the way they dressed or the way they kept their hair. Not even the two or three Rasta-wannabes. And no one was ever publicly called out for questionable handling of their love-lives. You can be sure the word '****' was used at some point, but it was never a big enough deal that someone got hurt.

Damn that was an incredible school, I sometimes wish life after High School was more like High School and less like Junior High. I just thought everyone grew up, I didn't know that Palmer was a special place.

narf poit chez BOOM

December 14th, 2003, 12:46 AM

well, high-school was better than elementary. but i think that's all i want to say, because i'm still trying to forgive.

Wardad

December 15th, 2003, 05:04 AM

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:

MENtal illness

MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown

MENopause

GUYnecologist ..

AND .

When women have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

Wardad

December 15th, 2003, 08:10 PM

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right
and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks -
this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to Last before you take out the trash, so it's an
even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually
used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that
will Last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing"
and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will
get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing"
and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools
off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at
that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is
content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you
back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with
the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow.

GO AHEAD
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big
trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to
come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is
that you have done.You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and
you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when
she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in
some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to
ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

narf poit chez BOOM

December 15th, 2003, 09:06 PM

i think you posted that before.

Wardad

December 16th, 2003, 12:12 AM

or something like it...

how about a blond joke?

What do you call an intelligent blond?

ans:
A Golden Retriever.

[ December 15, 2003, 22:26: Message edited by: Wardad ]

Wardad

December 16th, 2003, 12:17 AM

This happened in a little town in Mexico, and although it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it�s real.

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him and stop. Without thinking about it, the guy got in the car and closes the door just to realize there�s nobody behind the wheel. The car starts off slowly, the guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming this way. Scared, he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn�t come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are before a curve.

Gathering strength, the guy gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he goes to a cantina and asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he went thru. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn�t drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina and one said to the other, �Look Pepe, that�s the jerk that got in the car when we were pushing it.�
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

narf poit chez BOOM

December 16th, 2003, 01:58 AM

hmm...possilby another 'rocket engine on a trunk'...

[ December 15, 2003, 23:59: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

Wardad

December 16th, 2003, 05:29 PM

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
hmm...possilby another 'rocket engine on a trunk'... U ASKED FOR IT http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif >>>

http://firststory.homestead.com/files/Rocket/Rocketcar3.htm

and don't miss the launch....

http://firststory.homestead.com/files/Rocket/Rocketcar2.htm

[ December 16, 2003, 15:31: Message edited by: Wardad ]

Wardad

December 16th, 2003, 07:32 PM

HOW TO MEDICATE YOUR CAT OR DOG...

TO MEDICATE YOUR CAT:

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from your neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Shoot the pill down his throat with a rubber band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your Last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take Last pill from foil wrap.

13) Tie the little b*stard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Berough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 liters of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for the ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and phone local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

TO MEDICATE YOUR DOG:

1) Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg.

narf poit chez BOOM

December 17th, 2003, 07:10 AM

ran into this in the sig of an Michael A Chase at baen's bar(forum).

Give a hobbit a fish and he eats fish for a day.
Give a hobbit a ring and he eats fish for an age.
and this is funny: http://stargate.thefifthimperium.com/

[ December 17, 2003, 05:38: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

rdouglass

December 17th, 2003, 04:58 PM

+--------------- Bizarre Acts of Dumbness -----------------+

A man who said he was "tired of walking" stole a steamroller
and led police on a chase that never went over 5 mph. Fina-
lly, a police officer walked up and jumped onto the machine,
forcing the man to stop.

A businesswoman was at work one day in San Francisco when a
colleague saw her take out her credit card and slide it into
the 3.5-inch floppy drive on the computer. Her colleague
asked her what she was doing and she explained that she was
shopping on the Internet.

A 23-year-old woman was arrested at the Salt Lake City air-
port hotel when she tried to pay for her visit with three
$16 bills.

A man who installed windows in skyscrapers was showing his
customers how strong each pane of glass was by getting a 10-
foot running start and jumping against the windows from the
inside. However, the windows must not have been as strong as
he thought: one shattered and he plummeted 27 stories to his
death.

Two Texas men tried to rob an ATM by attaching the ends of a
chain to the front of the machine and the bumper of their
truck. When they pulled, the bumper fell off the truck. The
men then panicked and fled the scene, failing to notice that
their license plate was still on the bumper.

***

Wardad

December 17th, 2003, 08:09 PM

Polands's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland.

Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

rdouglass

December 17th, 2003, 08:49 PM

Memo To All Staff From Tech Support

Management has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support. The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Dec. 31, 2003.

Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No OS problems.
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support

Q. My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I create a New Document window?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. What's the shortcut for Undo?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A. Don't shake it.

Ed Kolis

December 18th, 2003, 02:11 AM

You know you haven't played enough SE4 when...

You find yourself saying, "Select racial traits?!? What is this, some kind of evil Nazi eugenics program?!? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif "

You don't understand the subtle reasoning behind the "attack base" design type... "how can a base attack? it just SITS there! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif "

You think that SM is something kinky that goths do in their free time http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

---

You know you've played TOO MUCH SE4 when...

you wonder why the people of Iraq are so angry - there are so many troops over there! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

You think that gold costs $40 a copy, not $400 an ounce http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

You believe that when Germany took over Poland in WWII, the Poles still looked like Poles, still breathed their own atmosphere, but otherwise took on all outward resemblance of Germans. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

narf poit chez BOOM

December 19th, 2003, 12:19 PM

http://lavendereyes.rivkashome.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=Fanfiction&file=index&options=DisplayStory&storyid=128
this is the funniest thing i have ever read, even late at night when my humor runs away from me.

those are two of my favorite worlds/characters.

[ December 19, 2003, 11:18: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

narf poit chez BOOM

December 23rd, 2003, 05:01 AM

well, this isn't quite as funny, but it's worth a few chuckles:
http://lavendereyes.rivkashome.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=Fanfiction&file=index&options=DisplayStory&storyid=76

narf poit chez BOOM

December 24th, 2003, 04:57 AM

you know, someone else should post here.

another rocket engine on a car? i don't know, but it's funny:
http://cuagain.manilasites.com/stories/storyReader$287

ran into the link in the baen bar. bar.baen.com

David E. Gervais

December 24th, 2003, 01:03 PM

Want to hear something funny? Nasa is actually doing serious research on personal flying vehicles. They are a car/plane combo that needs very little runway to take off and land. the idea is to have many tiny airports near work centers and have people fly to and land nearby then drive the few miles to work.

This is supposed to help relieve the congestion on the highways. Gee, now we'll have to worry about falling cars. I wonder what that will do to car insurance?

LoL Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Suicide Junkie

December 24th, 2003, 04:21 PM

The dead rarely come to collect on the insurance http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

David E. Gervais

December 24th, 2003, 08:22 PM

Originally posted by Suicide Junkie:
The dead rarely come to collect on the insurance http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif True, so very true.

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Geckomlis

December 24th, 2003, 09:13 PM

Originally posted by David E. Gervais:
Want to hear something funny? Nasa is actually doing serious research on personal flying vehicles. They are a car/plane combo that needs very little runway to take off and land. the idea is to have many tiny airports near work centers and have people fly to and land nearby then drive the few miles to work.

This is supposed to help relieve the congestion on the highways. Gee, now we'll have to worry about falling cars. I wonder what that will do to car insurance?

LoL Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif Small Aircraft Transportation System (SATS)
http://sats.larc.nasa.gov/main.html

Sorry. No mention of car/plane combos. Considering how many Canadian communities are totally dependent on air taxis services, I would think that you would welcome the concept. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif In the past, especially before WW2, the USA had a lot more local small (potentially commuter) airports. They have been in even a steeper decline recently as traffic at the hubs exceeds capacity. The down side� post 9/11 security considerations.

Kamog

December 24th, 2003, 11:22 PM

Flying cars? That would be soooo nice! No more getting stuck in traffic jams.

Suicide Junkie

December 25th, 2003, 05:11 AM

The best thing is that wreckage automatically removes itself from the flow of traffic after a collision http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Loser

December 25th, 2003, 01:53 PM

Top Ten Christmas Flicks (http://entertainment.msn.com/news/article.aspx?news=107856)

Personally, I don't care for A Christmas Story, but the others are good.

Wardad

December 25th, 2003, 08:47 PM

Top Ten Signs you've Hired a
Bad Department Store Santa

10. He recently starred in film called The Full Santy.
9. Asks all the mothers, "How 'bout a little lap action for mommy?"
8. Was recently suspended from NBA for choking his coach.
7. Beard catches on fire whenever he lights his crack pipe.
6. Every few minutes, his beard rustles, and you hear a muffled meow.
5. When kid asks for a bike, he says, "Good luck -- your parents look like cheap bastards."
4. He's doubled over, gasping for breath, after the second "Ho."
3. Amuses kids by demonstrating the "sleeper hold" on an elf.
2. His "beard" consists of a dozen styrofoam peanuts glued to his face.
1. Always starts off by asking, "You ain't Jewish, are ya?"

Loser

December 29th, 2003, 04:54 PM

Great Quotes (http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/bldumbquotes2003.htm)

Loser

December 29th, 2003, 04:59 PM

http://images.meijer.com/advertisers/meijer/fsi/122803OneStop/10vall/2672754.jpg (http://images.meijer.com/advertisers/meijer/fsi/122803OneStop/10vall/2672754.jpg)
Vaporize your Babies with Vicks!

Kamog

December 29th, 2003, 07:57 PM

LOL! What is that thing, some sort of high-energy plasma chamber?

Wardad

January 2nd, 2004, 02:12 AM

Freaky American History
(Fact or Fiction?)

Here's a little part of history which makes you go h-m-m-m-m-m-.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.

Lincoln was shot at the theatre named Kennedy.

Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln".

Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.

Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker....

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.

A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

geoschmo

January 2nd, 2004, 02:58 AM

Both Presidents were shot in the head.
And if they had been shot somewhere else, they probably wouldn�t have died. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
This is false. Lincoln had no one in his staff on record named Kennedy.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Booth was from Maryland. A border state, but remained part of the Union during the war.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Booth was born in 1838.

Lincoln was shot at the theatre named Kennedy.
Uh, Ford�s theatre dude. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.
That�s a stretch. It was a barn being used for storage. Not exactly a warehouse.

A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Cute. I think you meant to say he was in Marilyn Monroe. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif But that is false as well. She died over a year before the assasination.

[ January 03, 2004, 05:20: Message edited by: geoschmo ]

Kamog

January 2nd, 2004, 09:24 AM

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Booth was born in 1938.That's a typo, right?

Atrocities

January 2nd, 2004, 10:00 AM

Redneck Drivers License Application
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.
Last name: ________________
First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]Can't tell
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
if you obtained a higher education what was your major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are still
slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
[_] truck [_] kitchen
[_] bedroom [_] bathroom/outhouse
[_] shed [_] pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you Subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

Atrocities

January 2nd, 2004, 10:18 AM

FarmCA Humor Archives HUNTING two

THE HUNTER'S DIARY
1:00 am Alarm clock rings. 2:00 am - Hunting partner arrives - drags you out of bed. 3:00 am L' Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup. 3:05 am". Leave for the deep woods. 3:15 am'- Drive back home and pick up gun. 3:30 am Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight. 4:00 am - Set up camp - forgot the tent. 4:30 am- Head into the woods. 6:05 am - See eight deer. 6:06 am - Take aim and squeeze trigger. 6:07 am:- "Click". 6:08 am - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill. 8:00 am L Head back to camp.
9:00 am:. Still looking for camp..
10:00 and - Realize you don't know where camp is.
Noon - Fire gun for help - eat wild berries.
12:15 PM - Ran out of bullets - eight deer come back.
12:20 PM Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 PM - Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 PM - Rescued.
12:55 PM - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 PM - Arrived back in camp.
3:30 PM - leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 PM - Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 PM - Load gun - leave camp again.
5:00 PM - Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.
6:00 PM - Arrive at camp - see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 PM - Load gun.
6:02 PM - Fire gun.
6:03 PM - One dead pickup truck.
6:05 PM : Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 PM Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 PM - Fall into fire.
6:10 PM - Change clothes - throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 PM � Take pickup - leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 PM - Pickup boils over - hole shot in block.
6:26 PM - Start walking.
6:30 PM Stumble and fall - drop gun in the mud.
6:35 PM - Meet bear.
6:36 PM - Take aim.
6:37 PM - Fire gun - blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 PM - Make mess in pants..
6:39 pin - Climb tree.
9:00 PM - Bear departs - wraps gun around tree.
Midnight - Home at Last.
Next day - Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting
license into little pieces - place in envelope and mail to Game
Warden with very clear instructions on where to place it.

IT'S LABELED:
Simon and Bubba are going deer hunting on his uncle's land.
The uncle doesn't want any of his cows getting shot, so he tells them that he has every deer in the area labeled "Deer", so they'll know when they see one.
The very next day, the uncle goes out into his front yard and sees his brand new John Deere Tractor dead.

NOT GETTING YOUR MONEY'S WORTH:
Simon and Bubba were out hunting in the woods when Simon decided he couldn't wait to go to the bathroom anymore. "Man, Bubba, I've got to use the bathroom", he said, "but I don"t have any toilet paper". "Just use a dollar", said Bubba.
So Simon proceeded around a tree to do his business. A few minutes later he came from behind the tree with brown stuff all over his hands.
"I thought I told you to use a dollar", exclaimed Bubba.
"I did", said Simon, "but have you ever tried to wipe your bottom side with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel"?

SLIPPED AND FELL
A guy was telling his friend about his recent hunting trip to Alaska. "We were out in the woods all morning and our guide decided that we should take a break along the river bank. I wasn't feeling tired so I went for a stroll while the others were resting. As I was walking, a grizzly bear burst out of the undergrowth in front of me. I turned and started running like hell through the woods with the bear after me. The bear almost caught up with me but slipped and fell down. I kept running and the bear almost caught up with me again twice, but slipped and fell each time. I finally reached the river bank. The guide saw the bear chasing me and shot it dead." "Wow!" replied his friend, "That's incredible. If I were you, I would have wet myself." The first guy answered, "What do you think the bear was slipping.

Bear Hunters
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge boar, shot at it ,but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he cold. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

IDENTIFICATION TAG:
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bans used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey abbreviated: Wash. Boil. Surv. until the agency received the following letter from a weekend camper:
"'Dear Sirs: While camping Last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible."
'The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

IRISH HUNTER
Finian Finegan was doing some brickwork on the fireplace in Mr. Cabot's expensive home. He was much impressed by the moosehead over the fireplace.
Tis a beautiful animal, Mr.. Cabot, bigger even than the great Irish Deer, Oi'm thinkin." t'
"Yes," said Mr. Cabot, "that moose was a fighter among moose. I traveled for three days into the back country where I hunted this moose. I passed up four other bulls before I came upon this gigantic track. I tracked him for another day and a half before sighting the monster. It took three hours before I could get into a position Where I could shoot him, and when I finally got the monster down and butchered him, it took no less than four pack ponies to carry the meat and head out. That's what a truly huge trophy he was."
Shaking his reddish curls in admiration, Finian said, "Truly, tis a great hunter you are, Sir, and a great animal that is. Do you mind if Oi go into the next room and see the rest of him?"

THE EXPERT:
The game warden approached a duck hunter, asking if he had shot any ducks or geese. When the hunter claimed two ducks, the ranger asked to see them. On picking up the first duck he tipped it up and sniffed it's anus.
"Ahh" said the ranger, this duck comes from the Alberta region.
The hunter said, "that's amazing," and then he passed him the second duck. Once again the range sniffed the duck's backside, and promptly announced, "this duck migrated down from the Yukon.".... "wow, I'm impressed," said the hunter.
Now the warden said, "May I see your license and duck stamps, please?"
"Sure," said the hunter, handing him his license.
"I see there's no current address showing on your license; sir," said the warden, "would you mind telling me where you're from?"
Bending over the hunter says, "You're the expert, you tell me!!!!!"

Oh ya, for you enterainment:
http://rolltidebama.com/jokes/Redneck_Deer_Stand1_1.jpg
http://rolltidebama.com/camphousepics/donnydear12.jpg

[ January 02, 2004, 08:41: Message edited by: Atrocities ]

Atrocities

January 2nd, 2004, 10:20 AM

88 HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET ID931

ELEMENT: Women

SYMBOL: Wo

DISCOVERER: Adam

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40 - 200kg.

OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: Surface usually covered in painted film. Boils at nothing, freezes without known reason. Melts if given special treatment. Bitter if used incorrectly. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: Has greet affinity for gold, silver and a range of other precious stones. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly in saturation with alcohol. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

COMMON USES:Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. Can be a great aid to relaxation. Very effective cleaning agent. TESTS: Pure specimen turns rosy pink when found in natural state. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS: Highly dangerous except in experienced hands Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come in contact with each other

Atrocities

January 2nd, 2004, 10:46 AM

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the FDA�s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

1. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
3. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
7. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your *** kicked.
9. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
10. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
11. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
12. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
13. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
14. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Atrocities

January 2nd, 2004, 10:16 PM

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.

Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant... much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.

The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

geoschmo

January 3rd, 2004, 07:19 AM

Originally posted by Kamog:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Booth was born in 1938.That's a typo, right? <hr /></blockquote>ROFL! Yep. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif I meant Booth was born in 1838.

Atrocities

January 4th, 2004, 03:53 AM

http://chengeu.orcon.net.nz/picts/bushladin.jpg

This is NOT funny! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif

Loser

January 5th, 2004, 03:06 AM

Darwin Thing (http://darwinawards.com/slush/200212/pending20021219-165253.html), dubious but entertianing.

narf poit chez BOOM

January 5th, 2004, 07:21 PM

This is NOT funny!
must not watch tv enough. what's not funny?

Wardad

January 5th, 2004, 10:12 PM

But this is funny and very British...

http://he.fi/video/LSD_Being_Tested_on_Brtish_Troops.mpg

This is a very big download...
(Kids, don't be fooled, the experiment could have gone very badly.
What did happen to the bloke that had to be removed?)

[ January 05, 2004, 20:15: Message edited by: Wardad ]

tesco samoa

January 6th, 2004, 09:10 PM

http://www.norvig.com/Gettysburg/index.htm

Yep Powerpoint presentation.... Those who are lucky to work with people who present these stupid things will have a laugh

Loser

January 7th, 2004, 02:43 AM

Originally posted by Wardad:
What did happen to the bloke that had to be removed?Bad trips are a serious issue. Considering how well everyone else was doing off what I'm assuming was the same batch, this guy probably just got twitchy on account of some baggage he brought in with him. It takes some pretty messed up chemistry for LSD to put someone in a bad way on account of its makeup, and if that happened it would have happened to everyone that took it.

But with any powerful hallucinogen the user needs to be aware of their subconscious. Things the user may not think are a problem, things the user thinks they are over, or things the user "really doesn't care about" might much more than they seem, churning beneath the surface.

Insecurity is the big bad'um, and that looks like the one that got that guy, judging by his face. Unfortunately, an user of a potent hallucinogen who is overwhelmed by his or her insecurity will not be helped by well meaning comfort-givers, or codling, or tending, as these tend to feed the 'needy' part of the user and bring out the discomfort all the more.

The appropriate solution is to tell the user that they are being given something that will help (typically "This will bring you down."), and give them something that will make them feel different. Since they are still under the effects of the hallucinogen, the difference in perception from a number of substances may be interpreted as "I am getting better." by the user's addled mind. In fact coffee, tea, milk, or even hot water can be used for this, as long as the user believes they are being given something that will help.

If a number of people are using a powerful hallucinogen together their moods tend to progress together, so it is also important to separate the user having a 'bad trip' from the other Users, as they are only a thought away from having a bad time themselves.

So don't use acid, it's bad for you.

Parasite

January 7th, 2004, 11:10 PM

Snippit from the Lego Astrobot website while on the way to Mars...

"So, we are in a near-vacuum. That sucks?"

http://www.redrovergoestomars.org/astrobots/d17.html

narf poit chez BOOM

January 7th, 2004, 11:41 PM

that's weird. L's post says jan 7, but i'm pretty sure it was there before today.

[ January 07, 2004, 21:41: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

Loser

January 8th, 2004, 01:24 AM

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
that's weird. L's post says jan 7, but i'm pretty sure it was there before today. Now you're trippin', rodent.

Wardad

January 12th, 2004, 06:12 PM

Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over...

I only had one officer Mr. Keg..

Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

Want to race to the station, Sparky?

I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!

On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.

Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?

How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?

I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?

Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

"Bad Cop! No Donut!"

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.

You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

Didn't I see you get your *** kicked on "COPS" Last week on TV?

Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

So, uh, you "on the take", or what?

Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.

Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

Aren't you one of the Village People?

Wardad

January 13th, 2004, 05:49 PM

Very, Very Punny

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says,

"I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion is allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit?

They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces:

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that:

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. And finally... there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

David E. Gervais

January 13th, 2004, 07:18 PM

Wardad,..

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Been there done that, I'm just glad the Kayak was in the back yard when it happened. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

narf poit chez BOOM

January 13th, 2004, 09:51 PM

well, those were loaded.

narf poit chez BOOM

January 14th, 2004, 06:29 AM

hm...potential...
http://altdelusions.keenspace.com/d/20030203.html

Kamog

January 14th, 2004, 07:07 AM

The cartoonist who draws that comic must be from another planet. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

I didn't get the joke about the smiley "dimensional existence operating system", so I clicked the "today" button. ....um, OK, it's a borg cube bus. o_O It took me 10-15 seconds to figure this one out.

narf poit chez BOOM

January 14th, 2004, 07:44 AM

well, it was mildly amusing. but he could have done better.

Wardad

January 16th, 2004, 12:41 AM

From Actual Welfare Applications

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptised on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?

Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.

I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.

I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

Wardad

January 16th, 2004, 08:35 PM

A guy goes into a store to buy a brain. He says to the guy behind the counter "what do ya have?" Well, I have a doctors brain for 50 thousand,...or I have a lawyers brain for 100 thousand,.... And I have a teenagers brain for 250 thousand. "TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND???" " why is it so much? "Because it's never been used".....

-------------------------------------------------

http://dynamic3.gamespy.com/~tropico/cafe/attachments/MenAtWork.jpg

[ January 16, 2004, 18:45: Message edited by: Wardad ]

Wardad

January 19th, 2004, 02:49 AM

ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US

http://www.planettribes.com/allyourbase/media.shtml

THE MUSIC VIDEO!

[ January 19, 2004, 18:10: Message edited by: Wardad ]

Wardad

January 19th, 2004, 08:11 PM

SEE Britney Spears Naked!

http://www.funlol.com/content/content.php?content=britneyspears.txt

Suicide Junkie

January 19th, 2004, 08:37 PM

Note, if you are having trouble below;
1) select the cancel button by pushing the mouse button down over it without letting go.
2) drag the mouse off the button and then let go.
3) Now press Shift-Tab
4) Press spacebar to activate the command.

Wardad

January 20th, 2004, 02:47 AM

Truth!!!!!!!!!!!!

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We have naively thought it had something to do with their religion.

The true story has just been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington.
When one of these women gets married, on her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a taxi cab, a gas station, or a motel in Florida.

[ January 20, 2004, 00:48: Message edited by: Wardad ]

Kamog

January 20th, 2004, 08:35 AM

Nothing happens even after you press the spacebar to activate the command. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif

narf poit chez BOOM

January 20th, 2004, 09:53 AM

and you really thought anything that convoluted that wasn't a console cheat could be true?

narf poit chez BOOM

January 20th, 2004, 09:53 AM

really, how silly of you.

600! ha! got it!

geoschmo

January 20th, 2004, 03:08 PM

That was funny, and the guys singing sounded an aweful lot like the real boys. But the funniest part was the flash lyrics didn't match the song in a few places. Not sure if it was intentional, maybe part of the joke? I doubt it.

Song says "he don't need an IUD", and the flash says "ID". doh!

Song says his dog is a Pekinese, a type of dog. (Actually it's a cat pretending to be a dog, but that's another issue entirely. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif ) But the flash lyric says "His dog is peekin on me". lol

And finally, the song says he's making a souffle, while the flash lyric says he's making a "suit play". Wtf is a suit play? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

narf poit chez BOOM

January 20th, 2004, 09:22 PM

that was funny. when i first loaded this up, the recent Posts where gone, beck to july 23 and reloading didn't help. guess the forum decided to pull my leg.

[ January 20, 2004, 19:25: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

Fyron

January 21st, 2004, 12:23 AM

Originally posted by Wardad:
Which Backstreet Boy is Gay? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

http://www.funlol.com/content/content.php?content=backstreetboysaregay.txt

enjoy the song http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif That is a classic Weird Al song. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Originally posted by geoschmo:
That was funny, and the guys singing sounded an aweful lot like the real boys. But the funniest part was the flash lyrics didn't match the song in a few places. Not sure if it was intentional, maybe part of the joke? I doubt it.

Song says "he don't need an IUD", and the flash says "ID". doh!

Song says his dog is a Pekinese, a type of dog. (Actually it's a cat pretending to be a dog, but that's another issue entirely. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif ) But the flash lyric says "His dog is peekin on me". lol

And finally, the song says he's making a souffle, while the flash lyric says he's making a "suit play". Wtf is a suit play? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif Seemed like part of the joke to me...

And Weird Al is very good at impersonating other people's voices.

[ January 20, 2004, 22:24: Message edited by: Imperator Fyron ]

Loser

January 21st, 2004, 01:24 AM

That's not Weird Al, man. These days any parody on the 'net gets labeled Weird Al, when many, many are not connected to him in any way.

Just to let you know.

You can find his songs on his site (http://www.weirdal.com/catalog.htm).

Wardad

January 21st, 2004, 02:54 AM

Which Backstreet Boy is Gay? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

http://www.funlol.com/content/content.php?content=backstreetboysaregay.txt

enjoy the song http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Wardad

January 23rd, 2004, 06:07 PM

http://dynamic3.gamespy.com/~tropico/cafe/attachments/money.gif

narf poit chez BOOM

January 24th, 2004, 02:43 AM

I must be amazingly lucky! i can't even count the number of times i've been the '1,000,000 visiter to this website!'

Kamog

January 24th, 2004, 06:30 AM

Did you win a prize?

narf poit chez BOOM

January 24th, 2004, 06:55 AM

i ignore those.

Wardad

January 25th, 2004, 05:17 PM

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850?

California became a state.

The state had no electricity.

The state had no money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

There were gunfights in the middle of the streets.

So it was just like California today,
except back then the women had real breasts.

rdouglass

January 27th, 2004, 09:04 PM

John is at the Superbowl Game and sees a prime seat unoccupied near the 50 yard line. He goes down to it and talks to the man sitting in the seat beside the empty one.

"Excuse me, is that seat taken?"

"No, its not." the man replied.

"Would you mind if I sit?" John asks.

"No, help yourself."

John comments to the man about how he's surprised that the owner of that seat is not here to sit in it.

The man replies,"Well I bought that seat for my wife, but she died."

John says, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Couldn't you get a brother, cousin, or other relative to take her seat?"

The man replied without hesitation, "They're all at the funeral."

Wardad

January 28th, 2004, 02:01 AM

Blonde Guy Joke:

The town's sheriff is walking down the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks
"Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her...so I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts... so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,
"Now go to town cowboy"... And here I am.

Wardad

February 4th, 2004, 02:45 AM

Top Ten Reasons George W. Bush Wants To Put A Man On Mars

10. Dick Cheney needs a new undisclosed location

9. It's part of his "No Planet Left Behind" initiative

8. Great deal on the off-season airfare right now at Expedia.com

7. Maybe we'll find some weapons of mass destruction there

6. We've run out of places on Earth to drill for oil

5. Hoping to get Mork's autograph

4. We cannot back down until the people of Mars hold free elections

3. Dude, free Mars bars

2. Why not? It's not like we have an enormous debt or failing economy

1. Pete Rose bet him we wouldn't do it

Wardad

February 4th, 2004, 03:14 PM

how the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer,
I want you to blame Bill Gates...okay?

Atrocities

February 4th, 2004, 03:46 PM

Originally posted by Wardad:
how the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer,
I want you to blame Bill Gates...okay? This would actually be funny if it wasn't the god awful sad truth. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon9.gif

Wardad

February 13th, 2004, 03:00 AM

One tough guy...

http://www.local6.com/news/2839096/detail.html

narf poit chez BOOM

February 13th, 2004, 04:00 AM

that is tough.

Loser

February 16th, 2004, 01:54 PM

Thanks to this (http://kewlstuff.editthispage.com/stories/storyReader$2236) absolutly hilarious list I am now aware that my right tear duct may sometimes run out before my left.

Some text may not be work-appropriate, but who's worried about text, anyway.

Wardad

February 17th, 2004, 02:24 AM

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The Last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams,
"For God's sake, you a**hole...it's 3:30 in the $^$@# morning!"

Paul1980au

February 17th, 2004, 02:43 AM

Yes funny ha ha.

Loser

February 20th, 2004, 02:39 AM

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2004/02/19/nchina19.xml&sSheet=/news/2004/02/19/ixnewstop.html

narf poit chez BOOM

February 20th, 2004, 02:43 AM

that sounds like a hollywood movie.

i would say if that starts happening to your life, your doing something wrong.

Atrocities

February 20th, 2004, 08:33 AM

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
that sounds like a hollywood movie.

i would say if that starts happening to your life, your doing something wrong. well said.

Loser

February 20th, 2004, 01:16 PM

My life feels more like an 'indy' film (not Jones).

More dialog, less action, sometimes quite sureal, full of jokes, pratfalls, and sight gags that aren't good enough for mainstream but hit the target audience like a full does of sodium-pentathol.

Or something.

[ February 20, 2004, 11:16: Message edited by: Loser ]

Wardad

February 21st, 2004, 02:36 AM

TRUTH or SPAM?

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
....Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
....George W. Bush
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
....Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If you don't measure, if we're having to guess whether or not our children are learning, by the time it's too late we're going to find out that they're not, if they're not."
[Bush campaign speech, MSNBC, 2/15/00]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura."
[New York Times, 1/23/00]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
....Governor George W. Bush, 9/21/97
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Perhaps trying to criticize federal regulations and red tape, Bush said it was important to "... make sure that there's not this kind of federal, that the federal cufflinks, that the federal structure on the programs, there needs to be flexibility at the state level." - [Bush speech,
Milwaukee, WI, 3/30/00]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
....Governor George W. Bush
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a solution for parents wanting to curb foul language and violence on TV?
"Put the 'off' button on."
[AP, 2/16/00]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
....Governor George W. Bush, Jr
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'This is a world that is much more uncertain than the past. In the past we were certain, we were certain it was us versus the Russians in the past. We were certain, and therefore we had huge nuclear arsenals aimed at each other to keep the peace. That's what we were certain of...' the presumptive GOP nominee said.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
....George W. Bush, 9/5/93
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
....Governor George W. Bush

narf poit chez BOOM

February 23rd, 2004, 09:32 PM

well, this is a concise and funny way of stating the purpose of a roguelike dungeon builder:

One of the most important things in writing a computer game of
any sort is the way in which you represent the universe the game takes
place in. In a rogue-like, you will need to represent several things:

#1. The Dungeon
#2. The Slimy Things in The Dungeon
#3. The Pointy Things with which a player kills Slimy Things
#4. The Player that holds the Pointy Things

This Article will cover #1: The Dungeon.

Section 2 : The Dungeon

Alright, we need to find some way to represent the corridors and
rooms of The Dungeon itself. One of the easiest and most flexible methods
of doing this is to create a two-dimensional array of cells. Each cell will
be a wall, a floor, a door, a hideous spiked pit of death, or any number of
other things we might want to represent as one tile:

Loser

February 24th, 2004, 06:24 PM

How many Message Group members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb

1 to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light
bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in Posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

.. another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb"
is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation
of their "Acceptable use policy".

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this
discussion to a lightbulb forum.

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and
lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs
and therefore the Posts are relevant to this forum.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy
the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique
and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this
group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all Posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

6 that flame them for not using the Search feature.

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what is a "FAQ".

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs".

16 Posts of two forum members that are exclusively talking to each other
only about lightbulbs and what they did that weekend .

24 Posts of telling them to take it to PM's.

1 moderator that comes in and says something about doing it wrong and that
everyone who disagrees gets a warning.

1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.

narf poit chez BOOM

February 24th, 2004, 09:42 PM

Well, for my contribution, 'How many mormons does it take to change a lightbulb?'

If it's the elders, one to put in charge of changing the lightbulb, all the rest to suggest an apropriate lightbulb-changing activity and then 10 to play basketball.

if it's the relief society, three to organise it, five to bring refreshments, five to decorate, one to change the bulb and everyone else to eat the refreshments and talk.

If it's the bishopric (bishop and two councilers), one - to delagate it to the elders.

If it's the high priests, three. one to bring a chair, one to bring the oxygen bottles and masks and one to stand on the chair and change the bulb.

if it's the aaronic priesthood - one. he stands on a chair, puts the bulb in the socket and the whole world revolves around him.

geoschmo

February 24th, 2004, 10:01 PM

Originally posted by Loser:
How many Message Group members does it take to change a lightbulb?
ROFL!

How about a few more.

2 to ask if the light bulb topic could be "stickeyed"

14 "Bumps"

41 Posts explaining why the bulb needing changed was really the fault of the failed policies of (insert one) [Bush/Clinton/Republicans/Democrats]

Wardad

February 25th, 2004, 07:22 PM

TRUE MANAGEMENT

"You will have learn and do things you don't know anything about."
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif

Wardad

February 27th, 2004, 06:06 AM

BLONDES

1st Degree:

A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'."

2nd Degree:

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

She hands it to the second blonde. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

3rd Degree:

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

4th Degree:

A blonde brags about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead; ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy -- 'W'."

5th Degree:

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

6th Degree:

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch. "Wow!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant!

Are you OK, ma'am?"

"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road, when from out of nowhere this tree popped up in front of me, so I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."

"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off as he looked inside the car.

"There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles.

That was your air-freshener swinging back and forth."

7th Degree:

Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman!"

Loser

February 27th, 2004, 07:35 PM

(Sentient Meat)

"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"Meat. They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The Messages to the stars."

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I 'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!"

"So... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"

"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

"Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"So what does the meat have in mind."

"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual."

"We're supposed to talk to meat?"

"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"

"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."

"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"

"Both."

"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."

"And we can mark this sector unoccupied."

"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotation ago, wants to be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe would be if one were all alone."

Atrocities

February 27th, 2004, 08:21 PM

BLONDES

1st Degree:

A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'." Thanks, I haven't laughed that hard in weeks. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

TRUE STORY.

My best friend rented a room to a blond girl named Shonna. Shonna was a nice girl, but like most blonds was lacking some sense of common sense.

One day we all go out to a movie. Shona was suppose to meet us there but didn't show. After the move we all drive back to his house and low and behold there was a message on his answering machine. Shonna, having forgotten her cell phone used a pay phone to call and leave a message. The message went something like this:

"Hey I forgot what movie we are going to see. I would have called your cell but I forgot mine. I am on a pay phone, call me back when you get this message. The number here is Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep. Did you get that? Ok bye."

I swear to God that that really happened. We laughed for so long that non of use could move we were so paralyzed by stomach spasms.

INCIDENT number 2.

At work we had a routine for cycling our quartz furnace tubes out of production for cleaning. After cleaning we wrap them in pLastic and store them until they can be cycled back into production. We keep a daily log of our activities so the on coming ship can read what it is the previous ship had done.

Well I was working on the D night shift, with a intelligent blond who was my Group Lead at the time. Honestly she was one smart lady and I miss not working with her a lot.

Well we come in to find one of the tubes on a transport cart covered in pLastic. I think nothing of it and move on to start work on my assignment when I looked over and saw Meredith gasping for air. I quickly moved over to see if she was ok and she was pointing wildly at the log book. Her face was blood read and she had tears coming out of her eyes. I thought she was having a heart attack. I looked down at the log book and for an instant my heart stopped two.

You see on the day shift was this little blond weasel guy that really was just that, a weasel. He was a little skinny man with the worst hair cut you could imagine. He was a Weaseley little troll of a man that could not spell worth a damn. As I stood there, reading, I began to laugh at the image that was forming in my mind. I looked over at Meredith as she was acting out the scenario on the tube. I nearly wet myself it was so funny. The log entry read:

"I raped the tube but did not have time to put her away."

Now just imagine a 5 foot 1" man smoking a cigarette while raping a 12 inch quartz hole.

It was very funny at the time.

[ February 27, 2004, 18:28: Message edited by: Atrocities ]

geoschmo

February 27th, 2004, 08:38 PM

Originally posted by Loser:
(Sentient Meat)
Loser, did you write this? It's very interesting. Seems like it should be in one of the story threads more then the joke thread. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Loser

February 27th, 2004, 08:47 PM

no, I did not write it. It was an e-mail forward.

narf poit chez BOOM

February 28th, 2004, 07:25 AM

found a comic page and i just had to post it here: http://dimbulbcomics.keenspace.com/d/20030704.html

Atrocities

February 28th, 2004, 07:43 AM

I miss the Far Side.

[ February 28, 2004, 05:45: Message edited by: Atrocities ]

Wardad

February 29th, 2004, 03:39 AM

More Bushisms... TRUTH or SPAM?

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
-Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign."
[Washington Post, 2/17/00]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
....Governor George W. Bush
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple:
Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
....George W. Bush
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On his days as an oil tycoon and entrepreneur: "I understand small business growth," he said. "I was one."
[AP, 2/16/00]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
....Governor George W. Bush
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the need for a strong defense: "There is madmen in the world, and there are terror."
[AP, 2/16/00]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
....Governor George W. Bush, 9/18/95
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Often times our teachers come out of their pocketbooks to meet the supply needs of students."
[Bush speech, Milwaukee, WI, 3/30/00]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While discussing terrorism and various foreign threats, Bush promised to "use our technology to enhance uncertainties abroad."
[New York Times, 3/6/00]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
....Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96
================================================
"When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and we knew exactly who the "they" were. 'It was us versus them. And it was clear who "them" was.... Today, we're not so sure who the "they" are,' he continued, pausing as giggles began emanating from the crowd. 'But we know they're there.'"
[Boston Globe, 1/23/00]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."

False, apparently. What he actually said was:

"It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas."
--Beaverton, Ore., Sep. 25, 2000

Wardad

February 29th, 2004, 03:48 AM

A young woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode off.

"Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

tesco samoa

February 29th, 2004, 11:33 PM

http://www.butn.net/datoteke/toilette.mpg

Maybe not safe for work...

But very funny

Ruatha

March 1st, 2004, 09:48 PM

Originally posted by geoschmo:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Ragnarok:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Kamog:
Hmm, I have never seen an eel cross a road. Do they come up on land to do that? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif No, sea cretures have roads as well. Have you not seen Sponge Bob Square Pants yet? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif <hr /></blockquote>You ever notice how in Spongebob they always make such a big deal about flying? I mean, they are all fish living under water. They ought to be able to swim, right? All the fish in an airplane flying over bikini bottom, but it's still under water so why do they need a plane? It doesn't make any sense. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Geoschmo <hr /></blockquote>Even weirder.
When they go to the beach and bath.
There is a beach and water to bath in.... under water!

narf poit chez BOOM

March 1st, 2004, 10:28 PM

Originally posted by Wardad:
More Bushisms... TRUTH or SPAM?
one things that must be considered is that is that many of us, by us i mean peoples, say some prized funnies.

and when your a politician on campaign, you say a lot of things, so the chance of a slip-up is greater. so, what must be considered is not how many stupid things he said, but the rate of stupid things he said.

i don't want to get this thread into a discussion of politics, i just wanted to point out statistical unreliability. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

narf poit chez BOOM

March 2nd, 2004, 03:22 AM

hmm... (http://www.rpg.net/news+reviews/columns/fight19feb02.html)
hmm... (http://www.sfdt.com/xiao-xiao/04.html)

[ March 02, 2004, 01:50: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

narf poit chez BOOM

March 5th, 2004, 01:27 AM

this is good for a couple chuckles: (http://Groups.msn.com/kanakakeepgamersguild/roleplaying.msnw?action=get_message&mview=0&ID_Message=3572&LastModified=4675432102466963914)

this is also really good (http://www.gamewyrd.com/words/index.php?sub=2&ra=0)

this is gotta be a classic of some kind: DM: Are you sure you really want to scout the Troll forest alone, in the middle of the night, without a torch?
PC: Yes!

[ March 04, 2004, 23:58: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

Puke

March 5th, 2004, 08:49 PM

Originally posted by Ruatha:
Even weirder.
When they go to the beach and bath.
There is a beach and water to bath in.... under water! things like that will probably be a real detriment to how kids view oceanography. kids these days think that military vehicles have forceshields for gods sake. when i was 5 or 10, i knew what was fantasy and what wasnt. of course, the news wasnt pure infotainment at that point in time, and my parents would talk to me about real stories in the paper.

its pretty sad that we let cartoons shape the worldview of the youth today, because its easier than truely interacting with your own kids.

Wardad

March 6th, 2004, 05:02 AM

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect "loaded" Lexus-and walked over to inspect it closer.As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her.

Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed. Sure enough, there standing behind her was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are gonna s**t when you hear the price.

narf poit chez BOOM

March 6th, 2004, 11:40 AM

Ayup. (http://www.ucomics.com/foxtrot/2004/03/05/)

Wardad

March 6th, 2004, 03:52 PM

1.The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

CONCLUSION....

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become

Wardad

March 6th, 2004, 07:53 PM

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness."

"The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. So, how soon can I go home?"

Starhawk

March 7th, 2004, 02:29 AM

Meh I got a little chuckle out of this one

A preist a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar and order a beer.

The rabbi see's a fly in his bear and in a sad tone says "God must be punishing me" and raps his robe around his face and leaves weeping softly.

The minister sees a fly in his beer and says "Now I must ponder if this is a sign from God." and leaves the bar.

The preist sees a fly in his beer grimmaces reaches in to the beer and grabs the fly by the wings and with a strong Irish accent says "Spit it out or I'll excomunicate your arse!"

___________

The Scotsman
By Brian Bowers

A scotsman clad in kilt, left the bar one evening fair
One could tell by the way he walked he drank more than his share.
He fumbled 'round till he could no longer keep his feet
Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street

(chorus)
Ring-di-diddle-i-didi-o
Ring-di-diddle-i-o
(Last line of verse)

About that time two young and lovely girls happened by
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
See yon sleeping scotsman so proud and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt.

(chorus)

They crept up on that sleeping scotsman quiet as could be.
And lifted up his kilt just an inch so they could see
And there behold for them to view, beneath his scotish skirt.
Was nothing more than god had graced him with upon his birth.

(chorus)

They marveled for a moment, one said we must be gone
Lets leave a present for our friend, before we move along.
They left a blue silk ribbon, tied into a bow
Around the bonny star the scots kilt did lift and show

(chorus)

The scotsman woke to nature's call, and stumbled towards a tree.
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees.
In a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes
Och, lad I dont know where you've been but I see you've won first prize!

(chorus)

David E. Gervais

March 7th, 2004, 12:19 PM

So this is the place for jokes and riddles eh? How about we all trade links for Online comic strips..

Me first, (Thanks to Rollo for this link)..

Hagar The Horrible (http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/fun/hagar.asp)

Enjoy! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

narf poit chez BOOM

March 8th, 2004, 10:30 PM

two calvin's:

http://www.reemst.com/calvin_and_hobbes/?page=day
http://www.ucomics.com/calvinandhobbes/

Fyron

March 10th, 2004, 06:47 PM

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and
a diet coke.

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens
to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process
so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are t hey called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Wardad

March 10th, 2004, 08:10 PM

oh no.....
don't let Narf see that list...

narf poit chez BOOM

March 11th, 2004, 09:44 AM

If birds fly, why don't fly's bird?

The wing is on the bird, no that's absurd, the bird is on the wing.

I can fly higher than a beagle...

Wardad

March 11th, 2004, 04:30 PM

(This was written by a black man in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humor and creativity!)

When I born, I black,

when I grow up, I black,

when I go in sun, I black,

when I cold, I black,

when I scared, I black,

when I sick, I black,

and when I die, I still black.

You white folks......

when you born, you pink,

when you grow up, you white,

when you go in sun, you red,

when you cold, you blue,

when you scared, you yellow,

when you sick, you green,

when you bruised, you purple,

and when you die, you gray,

So who you callin' 'colored folks'????

Wardad

March 13th, 2004, 03:57 AM

A man went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. First thing the dentist says to him, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw."

The man replies, "No, please don't do that! I'm terrified of needles!"

The dentist said, "Okay, I'll use the gas to put you to sleep."

The man says, "No, you can't do that, either. I'm allergic to the gas."

So the dentist said, "Hang on a minute, I'll go look for something else."
After a bit, he came back with a couple of pills.

The man asks, "What kind of pills are these?"

The dentist said, "Viagra."

The guy said, "What? Will they help with the pain?"

The dentist said, "No, they won't do s**t for pain, but they'll give you something to hang on to while I pull your damn tooth."

tesco samoa

March 13th, 2004, 07:23 AM

http://www.updater.co.uk/

do not click on this unless you like swear words...

Wardad

March 14th, 2004, 05:18 PM

Several New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ***.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine (but not White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals, looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanation required-everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

----------------------------------------------
THEN, there is the MALE addendum ---- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.

Wardad

March 14th, 2004, 05:21 PM

WARNING - Really Sick Joke ....

EDIT ...too sick for some...

[ March 23, 2004, 13:09: Message edited by: Wardad ]

Wardad

March 14th, 2004, 05:45 PM

http://www.collegehumor.com/?image_id=16784

Loser

March 14th, 2004, 06:14 PM

Originally posted by Wardad:
http://www.collegehumor.com/?image_id=16784 Banner adds possibly Not Safe For Work.

A nice photoshop, though.

Loser

March 14th, 2004, 06:24 PM

From another board. The following is from the CSPD (Colorado Springs Police Dept.) blotter. The entry seems fairly routine until the end. . . Make sure you read the Last two sentences of the summary: <blockquote>quote:<hr />
Incident Date: March 5, 2004
Time: 7:17:00 PM
Division: Falcon Shift II
Title: Traffic Accident
Location: 4450 Brady Road

Summary:
On Fri. evening at about 7:17PM the Police Department recieved a flurry of telephone reports. Some of the people calling in were reporting a shooting and others were reporting a Roll Over Accident.

When Officers arrived on scene they were able to sort out these various reports. Two cars were racing on Constitution Blvd. One of the cars lost control and hit a curb, drove through a utility pole,sheering the pole and igniting an electrical transformer attached to the top of that pole. The 18 yr. old driver and his two passengers age 15 and 16 were thrown from this car. No one in the other car was injured.

The driver and passengers were not seriously injured.The driver was suspected of Driving Under the Influence of Alchohol.

Reports of the Shooting came from the sound of the Transformer as it exploded combined with witnesses seeing Blood from the head of the driver.

City Utilities was notified to repair the pole and other Utility poles that were damaged.

The good news was that no one was seriously injured in what appeared to be a spectacular accident! The bad news is the the Driver won't be saving alot of money on his Auto insurance.

Adults Arrested: Not identified at this time
<hr /></blockquote>CSPD blotter is here (http://www.springsgov.com/units/police/policeblotter.asp). I don't think I can link directly to the indicated entry because of the way they have the page set up.

[ March 14, 2004, 16:25: Message edited by: Loser ]

Wardad

March 17th, 2004, 06:43 AM

Definitly Not Politically Correct HUMOR....

REPUBLICANISM SHOWN TO BE GENETIC IN ORIGIN
Date: Wed, 10 Mar 2004 12:49:20 -0800

The discovery that affiliation with the Republican Party is genetically determined was announced by scientists in the current issue of the journal NURTURE, causing uproar among traditionalists who believe it is a chosen lifestyle.

Reports of the gene coding for political conservatism, discovered after a decades-long study of quintuplets in Orange County, CA, has sent shock waves through the medical, political, and golfing communities.

Psychologists and psychoanalysts have long believed that Republicans' unnatural disregard for the poor and frequently unconstitutional tendencies resulted from dysfunctional family dynamics -- a remarkably high percentage of Republicans do have authoritarian domineering fathers and emotionally distant mothers who didn't teach them how to be kind and gentle.

Biologists have long suspected that conservatism is inherited. "After all," said one author of the NURTURE article, "It's quite common for a Republican to have a brother or sister who is a Republican."

The finding has been greeted with relief by Parents and Friends of Republicans (PFREP), who sometimes blame themselves for the political views of otherwise lovable children, family, and unindicted co-conspirators.

One mother, a longtime Democrat, wept and clapped her hands in ecstasy on hearing of the findings. "I just knew it was genetic," she said, seated with her two sons, both avowed Republicans. "My boys would never freely choose that lifestyle!"

When asked what the Republican lifestyle was, she said, "You can just tell watching their conventions in Houston and San Diego on TV: the flaming xenophobia, flamboyant demagogy, disdain for anyone not rich, you know."

Both sons had suspected their Republicanism from an early age but did not confirm it until they were in college, when they became convinced it wasn't just a phase they were going through.

The NURTURE article offered no response to the suggestion that the high incidence of Republicanism among siblings could result from their sharing not only genes but also psychological and emotional attitude as products of the same parents and family dynamics.

A remaining mystery is why many Democrats admit to having voted Republican at least once -- or often dream or fantasize about doing so. Polls show that three out of five adult Democrats have had a Republican experience, although most outgrow teenage experimentation with Republicanism.

Some Republicans hail the findings as a step toward eliminating conservophobia. They argue that since Republicans didn't "choose" their lifestyle any more than someone "chooses" to have a ski-jump nose, they shouldn't be denied civil rights which other minorities enjoy.

If conservatism is not the result of stinginess or orneriness (typical stereotypes attributed to Republicans) but is something Republicans can't help, there's no reason why society shouldn't tolerate Republicans in the military or even high elected office -- provided they don't flaunt their political beliefs.
For many Americans, the discovery opens a window on a different future. In a few years, gene therapy might eradicate Republicanism altogether.

------------------------------------------
But why should they be allowed to marry?

Wardad

March 18th, 2004, 05:05 AM

Three friends from the local congregation were asked,
"When you're In your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said:
"I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented:
"I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Don said:
"I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

Timstone

March 18th, 2004, 05:05 PM

AAAHHHHH!!! Still trapped in The Crimson Room!!

David E. Gervais

March 18th, 2004, 06:02 PM

Don't dispair, you're just missing two items,.. did you know that some things can be 'shaken' to see if there is anything in them? (shaken as in multiple mouse clicks.) This info should help.

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Jack Simth

March 18th, 2004, 10:12 PM

Okay ... the hot spots on that thing are way too small; some of the places you have to look are almost impossible to get to, despite the fact that it would be rather simple to get to them in RL.

I got out - you never do use that regular key....

Arkcon

March 18th, 2004, 10:29 PM

Good to see this thread has sprung to life again. Now... The funniest jokes according to US Senators. {clicky} (http://www.zug.com/pranks/senator/)
I'd like to say that they're all funny, and by that I mean funny as in stange, embarassingly square, and not funny ha ha.

geoschmo

March 18th, 2004, 10:48 PM

Originally posted by David E. Gervais:
Don't dispair, you're just missing two items,.. did you know that some things can be 'shaken' to see if there is anything in them? (shaken as in multiple mouse clicks.) This info should help.

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif DO you have to have some special Version of IE for this? I am clicking like a madman on all this stuff and nothing is happening. I have found the items Timstone listed, but nothing more. I can't get anything else to do anything.

EDIT: Never mind, I found instructions on how to get out of the room on the net. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[ March 18, 2004, 21:01: Message edited by: geoschmo ]

David E. Gervais

March 19th, 2004, 02:06 AM

Hey there, anyone up for a challenge? See if you can escape this room..
The Crimson Room (http://papipapito.en.eresmas.net/crimson_room.swf)

Yes! I have escaped from this dubious trap. So let's see how smart you lurkers are eh?

Muahahahahahaha, I dare you. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Timstone

March 19th, 2004, 02:33 AM

Originally posted by David E. Gervais:
Hey there, anyone up for a challenge? See if you can escape this room..
The Crimson Room (http://papipapito.en.eresmas.net/crimson_room.swf)

Yes! I have escaped from this dubious trap. So let's see how smart you lurkers are eh?

Muahahahahahaha, I dare you. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif Okay, I give up. It really pisses me off after some time.
I found these things:
- Red box
- Battery
- Empty CD case
- Memorandum
- Gold key
- Silver key
- Cassette
- Power supply cable
- Often-seen type key
- Thin ring with sculpture

I can see I miss some things, but I really couldn't see where they put them. As I said, it pisses me off. Tell us the solution when you're ready.
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Suicide Junkie

March 19th, 2004, 05:28 AM

Woah.
Not very inherently difficult except that interface was absolutely horrific. The bad grammar and nonsensical items don't help either.

narf poit chez BOOM

March 19th, 2004, 06:28 AM

Originally posted by Timstone:
Okay, I give up. It really pisses me off after some time.
I found these things:
- Red box
- Battery
- Empty CD case
- Memorandum
- Gold key
- Silver key
- Cassette
- Power supply cable
- Often-seen type key
- Thin ring with sculpture

I can see I miss some things, but I really couldn't see where they put them. As I said, it pisses me off. Tell us the solution when you're ready.
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon8.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif [/QB]ok, also found: a slightly heavy >ring<. and a metal rod.

-SPOILER-

both rings can be stuck on the circles on the red box. nothing happened after that, but i think your supposed to put something in the rectangle.

-SPOILER-

watch the film carefully.

[ March 19, 2004, 04:38: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

Kamog

March 19th, 2004, 06:52 AM

I'm still trapped. I've been trying for almost an hour now. I click everywhere and got a bunch of items but now all I keep getting is "There is no strange thing.", "There is nothing" and "It is stale CD player." and a several other Messages.

I'll keep trying. Not going to give up yet. This is not as bad as Myst was. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

narf poit chez BOOM

March 19th, 2004, 07:07 AM

if you don't want to ruin the suspence, don't read my spoilers. or, if your just getting agravated, read them. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

Kamog

March 19th, 2004, 07:22 AM

Thanks, I'm trying to figure this out without looking at any hints.

I have the following items so far:

red box
battery
A note with a URL
CD case with no label
small silver key
small golden key
cassette tape
metal stick
often-seen type of key
power supply cable
thin ring with sculpture
slightly heavy ring

Warning: spoiler.
I figured out how to open the red box by using the two rings and the metal stick. I insert the battery and cassette tape into the box and it plays a movie of a silloutte of a guy dancing. I have no idea what to do with that. The guy seems to point at some star-shaped object beside him but I don't know what that means.

I'll keep trying.

Kamog

March 19th, 2004, 07:31 AM

warning: spoiler.

Oh, man, not another one of these combination locks. I remember playing a game a couple of years ago where I spent a long time trying combinations. I'll just keep trying all the numbers from 0000 to 9999 until the safe opens. I think I'll try it in reverse order from 9999 down because I assume that the programmer is evil.

But before I try that, I'll look for hints on what the combination might be.

Jack Simth

March 19th, 2004, 07:39 AM

Hint:
A note with a URL

Kamog

March 19th, 2004, 07:46 AM

Yay, I got out! It took me two hours!

narf poit chez BOOM

March 19th, 2004, 07:49 AM

-SPOILER?-

-SPOILER?-

-SPOILER?-

anyone found a cd? didn't need it, but the case was there.

Jack Simth

March 19th, 2004, 09:22 AM

I didn't find a CD - I suspect the CD case is just a hint to look in the CD player.

geoschmo

March 19th, 2004, 04:19 PM

I'm just not even sure how to classify this one.

Under "T" for Tolkien?

"S" for Star Trek?

Maybe just put it under "W" for What the F was he thinking? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Click to play movie (http://homepage.mac.com/evanbaumgardner/iMovieTheater6.html)

Ah the 60's, so many drugs, so little time. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

David E. Gervais

March 19th, 2004, 10:17 PM

Geo, that was too funny, (rotflmao)

thanks I needed that.

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

narf poit chez BOOM

March 20th, 2004, 06:58 AM

'I taught I taw a puddy tat.' - Security guard, after ordering all animals out of the building
'You did, you did taw a puddy tat. And a moo-tow and a bid dorrila and a giddy-up horty and a little montey.' - Tweety

narf poit chez BOOM

March 23rd, 2004, 06:31 AM

http://www.bobthesquirrel.com/panels/20040313.gif

don't ask me to explain it.

Loser

March 23rd, 2004, 06:36 AM

I never knew there was a video to go along with that song. Geo you have added a whole new amused and uncomfortable place to me today.

I'd put it under 'W'.

Kamog

March 23rd, 2004, 09:04 AM

Now whenever I see Spock I'll be reminded of that video and won't be able to take him seriously. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif
Definitely a "W". http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

Atrocities

March 23rd, 2004, 10:04 AM

Do any of you remember the Star Wars spoofs TROOPERS?

Those were damned funny and I can't seem to find them any more.

Timstone

March 23rd, 2004, 12:14 PM

I freakin' hate Quicktime, so aren't able to view the video. What does it show?

capnq

March 23rd, 2004, 07:50 PM

Do any of you remember the Star Wars spoofs TROOPERS?

Those were damned funny and I can't seem to find them any more.You couldn't find it because it was called Troops {link} (http://www.theforce.net/theater/shortfilms/troops/), not Troopers. It's a great parody of Star Wars and Cops.

Suicide Junkie

March 24th, 2004, 02:43 AM

Anybody know what codec they're using for that?

Atrocities

March 24th, 2004, 03:36 AM

Thanks capnq

narf poit chez BOOM

March 25th, 2004, 11:24 PM

what I liked was Table 4-24: One hundred traits, for fleshing out NPC's in d&d. Scroll down to #100.

1. Blah Blah Blah. 2. Blah Blah Blah. 3. Blah Blah Blah. 4. Blah Blah Blah. 5. Blah Blah Blah. 6. Blah Blah Blah. 7. Blah Blah Blah. 8. Blah Blah Blah. 9. Blah Blah Blah. 10. Blah Blah Blah. 11. Blah Blah Blah. 12. Blah Blah Blah. 13. Blah Blah Blah. 14. Blah Blah Blah. 15. Blah Blah Blah. 16. Blah Blah Blah. 17. Blah Blah Blah. 18. Blah Blah Blah. 19. Blah Blah Blah. 20. Blah Blah Blah. 21. Blah Blah Blah. 22. Blah Blah Blah. 23. Blah Blah Blah. 24. Blah Blah Blah. 25. Blah Blah Blah. 27. Blah Blah Blah. 28. Blah Blah Blah. 29. Blah Blah Blah. 30. Blah Blah Blah. 31. Blah Blah Blah. 32. Blah Blah Blah. 33. Blah Blah Blah. 34. Blah Blah Blah. 35. Blah Blah Blah. 36. Blah Blah Blah. 37. Blah Blah Blah. 38. Blah Blah Blah. 39. Blah Blah Blah. 40. Blah Blah Blah. 41. Blah Blah Blah. 42. Blah Blah Blah. 43. Blah Blah Blah. 44. Blah Blah Blah. 45. Blah Blah Blah. 46. Blah Blah Blah. 47. Blah Blah Blah. 48. Blah Blah Blah. 49. Blah Blah Blah. 50. Blah Blah Blah. 51. Blah Blah Blah. 52. Blah Blah Blah. 53. Blah Blah Blah. 54. Blah Blah Blah. 55. Blah Blah Blah. 56. Blah Blah Blah. 57. Blah Blah Blah. 58. Blah Blah Blah. 59. Blah Blah Blah. 60. Blah Blah Blah. 61. Blah Blah Blah. 62. Blah Blah Blah. 63. Blah Blah Blah. 64. Blah Blah Blah. 65. Blah Blah Blah. 66. Blah Blah Blah. 67. Blah Blah Blah. 68. Blah Blah Blah. 69. Blah Blah Blah. 70. Blah Blah Blah. 71. Blah Blah Blah. 72. Blah Blah Blah. 73. Blah Blah Blah. 74. Blah Blah Blah. 75. Blah Blah Blah. 76. Blah Blah Blah. 77. Blah Blah Blah. 78. Blah Blah Blah. 79. Blah Blah Blah. 80. Blah Blah Blah. 81. Blah Blah Blah. 82. Blah Blah Blah. 83. Blah Blah Blah. 84. Blah Blah Blah. 85. Blah Blah Blah. 86. Blah Blah Blah. 87. Blah Blah Blah. 88. Blah Blah Blah. 89. Blah Blah Blah. 90. Blah Blah Blah. 91. Blah Blah Blah. 92. Blah Blah Blah. 93. Blah Blah Blah. 94. Blah Blah Blah. 95. Blah Blah Blah. 96. Blah Blah Blah. 97. Blah Blah Blah. 98. Blah Blah Blah. 99. Blah Blah Blah. 100. No sense of humor. See #26.

Wardad

March 30th, 2004, 02:38 AM

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - US Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F.Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

Five-second fuses only Last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies--- (And Lastly)

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -- U.S.A.---Ammo Troop

Kamog

March 30th, 2004, 08:32 AM

Sounds like good advice. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

narf poit chez BOOM

March 31st, 2004, 08:59 PM

Found in someone's sig on the baen forums: I am Amnesia of Borg. Resistance is Futile. Prepare to be ... errr ....
thingy ...

Wardad

April 1st, 2004, 02:45 AM

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.'"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then he added a mouth.
Ruined the whole damn thing.

Wardad

April 1st, 2004, 06:08 AM

A guy is out with buddies -- has few drinks -- is feeling a little frisky but, true to his wife, goes home.

He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.

She starts to choke, but recovers and asks --
"What did you put in my mouth?"

He says, "Two aspirin."

She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"

He says, "That's all I wanted to hear.

Wardad

April 4th, 2004, 07:50 PM

A lousy excuse for grabing the 700 post!!! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Worker rewarded for getting drunk on the job

March 31 2004 at 02:01AM

Rio De Janeiro - A Brazilian man has won increased compensation from a brewery after 20 years as a taster made him an alcoholic.

Master Brewer Bernd Naveke, 49, drank around eight litres of beer every working day while at the Brahma Brewery near Rio de Janeiro.

He was forced to leave his job after becoming a registered alcoholic and hasn't worked since.

In the original case he was awarded $30 000 (about $180 000) and a monthly pension for life equal to his old salary of $2 600.

During the original case, the court ruled the company couldn't appeal the outcome, but Naveke appealed on the grounds the compensation wasn't enough. Now a court in Rio has ordered the brewery to pay him $2-million, according to O Globo.

"I had to drink up to eight litres of beer a day and I left work drunk every day," Naveke said. - Ananova.com

[ April 04, 2004, 20:35: Message edited by: Wardad ]

Wardad

April 4th, 2004, 08:38 PM

From the Daily Times (Pakistan)

http://www.dailytimes.com.pk/default.asp?page=story_28-3-2004_pg9_5

Doc backs nose picking http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[ April 04, 2004, 20:35: Message edited by: Wardad ]

narf poit chez BOOM

April 5th, 2004, 10:00 PM

What's green and goes 200mph up your nose?

Wardad

April 5th, 2004, 10:36 PM

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
What's green and goes 200mph up your nose? No Wait!!!
Don't tell me!!!

narf poit chez BOOM

April 5th, 2004, 11:10 PM

Originally posted by Wardad:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
What's green and goes 200mph up your nose? No Wait!!!
Don't tell me!!! <hr /></blockquote>LAMBORGREENI! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

narf poit chez BOOM

April 8th, 2004, 06:52 AM

I am Ohm of Borg. Resistance is E/I.

Wardad

April 15th, 2004, 02:20 AM

Snappy Answer #1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he Opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, But couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,"Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied,"No ma'am,they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif Here's your sign http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Snappy Answer #5 - THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised! his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Snappy Answer #6 - One 6 Year Old. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class,"And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said... 'Holy s**t! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Wardad

April 15th, 2004, 02:58 PM

The Good - The Bad - The Ugly
It Can Always Be Worse

___________________________
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago

_____________________________
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

_____________________________
3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

________________________________
4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

____________________________
5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

______________________________
6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

___________________________
7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

_____________________________
8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

________________________________
9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

__________________________________
10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

_________________________________________

geoschmo

April 15th, 2004, 06:38 PM

Worthwhile advice

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, �I�ll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on.�

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, �Who was that?� �It was Bob the next door neighbor,� she replies. �Great!� the husband says, �Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?�

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, �Father, remember Psalm 129?� The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, �Father, remember Psalm 129?� Once again the priest apologized �Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.�

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, �Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.�

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, �I usually only grant three wishes, so I�ll give each of you just one. � �Me first! Me first!� says the admin. clerk. �I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.� Poof! She�s gone.

In astonishment, �Me next! Me next!� says the sales rep. �I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.� Poof! He�s gone.

�OK, you�re up,� the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, �I want those two back in the office after lunch.�

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, �Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?� The crow answered: �Sure, why not.� So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. �I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,� sighed the turkey, but I haven�t got the energy.� �Well, why don�t you nibble on some of my droppings?� replied the bull. �They�re packed with nutrients.� The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won�t keep you there.

Wardad

April 16th, 2004, 07:36 AM

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

narf poit chez BOOM

April 17th, 2004, 11:41 PM

http://www.ucomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1993/04/09/

Wardad

April 19th, 2004, 09:54 PM

Take a look at this - it's not just a dog on a skateboard it's a skateboarding dog!
Go to http://www.skateboardingbulldog.com/picsandmovies.htm
then click on "Click here to view a video of Tyson skating."

Wardad

April 23rd, 2004, 02:25 AM

A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk "shop". One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to do a seven day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.

It's now 7 days later and they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages goes first. "Wellll," he says in a fine Irish brogue, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Chatecism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gintle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."

Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He's in a wheel chair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an I.V. drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaims, "WELL brothers....you KNOW that we don't sprinkle........WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So'se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."

They both look down at the rabbi who's laying in a hospital bed. He's in a body cast & traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The rabbi looks up and says

"Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures."

Randallw

April 23rd, 2004, 10:07 AM

A primary school teacher is teaching her small charges about politics. Being a good Democrat she explains how sensible the Democratic platform is. At the end of the lesson she asks her pupils
"now, who thinks they are a Democrat?"
all the little boys and girls eager to please their teacher puts up their hands, except one little girl.
"Suzie, why don't you want to be a Democrat?"
"Because my daddy is a Republican, and my mommy is a Republican, and they raised me to be a good Republican"
Angry at this dissension the teacher says
"Thats silly, what if your mother and father were stupid"
"Then I'd be a Democrat"

Now I'm neither a Democrat or a Republican, I'm not even American, but you probably wouldn't understand if I said Labour and Liberal. All you Democrats can change it to Democrat if you want to. I read it on a Republican endorsement website.

Edit: And I was worried about being offensive till I went back a few pages and saw wardads republican post.

[ April 23, 2004, 09:31: Message edited by: Randallw ]

Wardad

April 23rd, 2004, 03:43 PM

Originally posted by Randallw:
Edit: And I was worried about being offensive till I went back a few pages and saw wardads republican post. HOT LAVA!
DUCK AND COVER!!!

Wardad

April 23rd, 2004, 08:02 PM

The SECRETS of the MATRIX revealed!

http://www.jokaroo.com/ecards/funny/the%20matrix.htm

narf poit chez BOOM

April 24th, 2004, 03:00 AM

http://www.pvpOnline.com/archive.php3?archive=20030513
http://www.pvpOnline.com/archive.php3?archive=20030512

[ April 24, 2004, 02:01: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

Randallw

April 24th, 2004, 08:38 AM

Originally posted by Wardad:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Randallw:
Edit: And I was worried about being offensive till I went back a few pages and saw wardads republican post. HOT LAVA!
DUCK AND COVER!!! <hr /></blockquote>sorry Wardad, I didn't mean to imply anything.I didn't consider what I was saying. I've been sick lately. I just meant I thought I might be chewed out for making a political joke disparaging Democrats. Once I saw you post about Republicans, I saw that you didn't get criticised for it.

Wardad

April 26th, 2004, 06:04 AM

Originally posted by Randallw:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Wardad:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Randallw:
Edit: And I was worried about being offensive till I went back a few pages and saw wardads republican post. HOT LAVA!
DUCK AND COVER!!! <hr /></blockquote>sorry Wardad, I didn't mean to imply anything.... <hr /></blockquote>Oh now, don't go and get all serious on us.

Besides, some of my best friends are republicans. I have no problems socializing with those people, as long as they act democratic in public. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Randallw

April 26th, 2004, 06:59 AM

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif , ok. I am just a bit wary. I once, on another forum, tried to make a joke and spent the next week defending myself from accusations of insulting the targets of the joke.

Atrocities

April 26th, 2004, 09:02 AM

Does any one have the complete CURRENT list of You Know Your Addicted to SEIV When: laying around?

Wardad

April 26th, 2004, 10:24 PM

Kind of a pointless joke, but I like it anyway. hehe! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 70-year-old Texas rancher (whose hand had caught in a gate while working cattle), a doctor and the old man were talking about George W. Bush being in the White House. The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'."

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was. The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor stupid bastard get down."

narf poit chez BOOM

April 27th, 2004, 01:50 AM

http://www.pvpOnline.com/archive.php3?archive=20001215

narf poit chez BOOM

April 27th, 2004, 10:22 PM

Alright, somebody, top this: http://www.dilbert.com/wash/bonanas/archive/bonanas-20040420.html

Suicide Junkie

April 28th, 2004, 12:21 AM

http://schlockmercenary.com/d/20040426.html
http://schlockmercenary.com/d/20040427.html

David E. Gervais

April 28th, 2004, 12:38 PM

Great links SJ, thanks.

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Wardad

April 28th, 2004, 02:24 PM

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "what is happening?"
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St.Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
Shaking her head, the old lady says, "I can't do this. I'm off down to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Sure" says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

Growltigger

April 29th, 2004, 11:41 AM

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought.
By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand
morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation,
where you will have to make a decision one way or the other.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for
the test to work accurately.

You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact...

There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and
severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a
CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and
people floating around you, disappearing into the water.

Nature is showing all its destructive power and is ripping everything
away with it.

Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying
not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.

You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.

Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush! At the same time you
notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever.

You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of
your life.

So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer
prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the
world's most powerful men.

And here's the question (please give an honest answer):

Would you select colour film, or rather go with the simplicity of
classic black and white?

Wardad

April 29th, 2004, 03:59 PM

I would spell "colour" correctly. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Jack Simth

April 29th, 2004, 09:45 PM

Originally posted by Wardad:
I would spell "colour" correctly. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif How colour is correctly spelled depends on which side of the pond you are on. In this case, it specifies the USA side, so "color" is the correct spelling.

Wardad

April 29th, 2004, 10:09 PM

Jack, it was a jest.

Randallw

April 30th, 2004, 01:34 AM

Given the only two choices, and considering I have no real knowledge of photography, I would choose the black and white. From what I know the award winning photos, such as those of Ansell Adams, are always in Black and white, so it would appear I would have a better chance of winning an award if I went with the black and white.

Wardad

April 30th, 2004, 02:19 AM

Quite possibly the funniest thing this guy has ever written...

Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to "Milk Duds," your sense of humor is broken.

"Now this message is for America's most famous athletes:

Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have .. John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...
Move to Guam.
Change your name.
Fake your own death!
Whatever you do ...
Do Not Go!!!
I know.
The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.

Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dysleptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.

Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting ..." Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff"

Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.

"Bananas," he said.

"For the potassium?" I asked

"No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot . but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.

Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.

Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride Lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.

We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.

And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before. And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that never thought would be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two.

Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.

I used to know 'cool'. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know 'cool'. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.

What is it? I asked.

"Two Bags."

narf poit chez BOOM

April 30th, 2004, 04:51 AM

I don't even like roller coasters.

Kamog

April 30th, 2004, 05:33 AM

I'm willing to try it. I'll just remember to not eat anything for two or three days before the ride. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

rdouglass

April 30th, 2004, 03:14 PM

This is got to be the funniest thing I've read in a long time. This guy has over 10 million hits at the time I'm posting this:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?viewItem&Category=63851&item=4146756343&rd=1

Wardad

May 5th, 2004, 03:22 PM

A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, but they fell off the ladders, dropped the tape measures and pencils -- the whole thing was just a mess.

An engineering student comes along and sees what they're trying to do.
He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks away.

After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed: "Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

Gandalf Parker

May 5th, 2004, 09:41 PM

OK I meant to get more into the game abit, and do an example before bringing up the subject, but here goes anyway.

In a DnD forum we had great fun with jokes but we made a big effort to try and "DnD" them.
Orc #1: "Your wife makes good soup"
Orc #2: "yeah but Im gonna miss her"
(modified cannibal joke)

Anyway, Im looking at some of these jokes and wondering if the community would still get them, and find them even funnier if they were "Space Empired"? I wish I had a good example to end this post with but maybe some of you can come up with some.

narf poit chez BOOM

May 6th, 2004, 01:15 AM

http://www.giantitp.com/cgi-bin/GiantITP/ootscript?SK=12
http://www.giantitp.com/cgi-bin/GiantITP/ootscript?SK=18

And I'm still laughing.

[ May 05, 2004, 12:22: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

Randallw

May 6th, 2004, 06:25 AM

A cannibal and his son are hunting in the jungle for dinner. They come across the fattest female Zoologist they have ever seen looking at some monkeys.
"Can we have her for dinner?" says the son.
"No son, too much fat. Definitely not good for you" replies the father, and they continue on.
Soon they find a skinny Botanist looking at some rare flowers.
"What about her, Dad?" asks the son.
"No Son" replies the father "theres not a bit of meat on her"
After some more searching they come across a young female explorer, the most attractive, fitest, blonde they have ever seen.
"She'll do" says the father.
So he keeps the blonde and has his wife for dinner.

narf poit chez BOOM

May 6th, 2004, 11:47 AM

A website just offered to install 'free access software' on my computer. Honest hackers?? Someone didn't think about the name??

Anyway, it gave me a chuckle so I'm posting this.

narf poit chez BOOM

May 6th, 2004, 11:56 PM

http://www.dog-complex.com/comic.php?view=215

Go read. Garfield style humor, from when Garfield was funny.

narf poit chez BOOM

May 7th, 2004, 09:21 AM

http://www.drunkduck.com/Screwball_Islands/

Wardad

May 11th, 2004, 04:06 AM

A real groaner...

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 cases of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.... But as we know.... the great ship did not make it to New York.... The ship hit an iceberg and sank.... and the cargo was forever lost....

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery.... were disconsolate at the loss.... Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day....

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th....and is known.... of course.... as Sinko de Mayo....

I wonder if the Tuna swallowed it, thus starting the trend of adding Mayonnaise to Tuna?

narf poit chez BOOM

May 13th, 2004, 06:42 AM

http://www.ucomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1993/05/10/

joeljermon

May 14th, 2004, 05:29 AM

What weapons do pirates use in SE4?

Phased PolAAARRRRRon Beams!

*Gets pelted by rotten fruit*

Fyron

May 14th, 2004, 05:46 AM

*throws rotten Phong heads at joeljermon* http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon6.gif

Parasite

May 14th, 2004, 08:35 PM

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will
equal the height of the building."

His highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics.

To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and
measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out
from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer. "

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The
height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T."

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him, 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.