Jokes and Riddles Centre

[Wardad]

Deep Thoughts for Children
Friday, March 1, 2002
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."...

I believe you should live each day as if it is your Last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the Last day of their life? -- Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -- Age 13

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. -- Age 10

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. -- Age 6

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! -- Age 6

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. -- Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. -- Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. -- Age 5

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. -- Age 15

[Wardad]

With all the sadness going on in the world at the moment, it is worth pausing to reflect on the death of a legendary musician, which almost went unnoticed Last week.



Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peaceably at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in . . . and then the trouble started.

[rdouglass]

Why you should NEVER put your photo on the web:

http://www.smlinks.com/sotw/why/

[Wardad]

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351 "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

================================================== ==========

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

================================================== ==========

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing

bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself

immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

================================================== ==========

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a

Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the

little Fokker in sight."

================================================== ==========

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting

to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your Last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

================================================== ==========

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out

after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right

turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take

the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to

the airport."

================================================== ==========

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing

because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a

B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

(FYI-B-52 has eight engines)

================================================== ==========

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and

returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A

concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the

problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the

flight attendant "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

================================================== ==========

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the

following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane in a beautiful British accent): "Because

you lost the bloody war."

================================================== ==========

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after

we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact

Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: " Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we

copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

================================================== ==========

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of

the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned

around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in

the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real

zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll

have enough parts for another one."

================================================== ==========

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a

short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking

location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the

following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways

747, callsign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway"

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been

to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I

didn't land."

================================================== ==========

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight

departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a

United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air

crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? ! I told you

to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right

there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D,

but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting

hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever

to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!

You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I

want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell

you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent

after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging

the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every

cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,

asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Ed Kolis]

A statistician gave birth to a son who weighed 8 1/2 ounces. She named him Max. But this statistician happened to be a Vietnamese immigrant, and her relatives in Vietnam were angry, saying things like "Why did you not give him a good Vietnamese name, hmm?" So when she had her second child, a premature girl weighing 4 ounces, she named her Min.

A few years after Min was born, the statistician again became pregnant. She gave birth to twins - a girl who weighed 10 ounces and a malnourished-looking little boy weighing only 2 ounces. What did she call them?

...

...

...

Answer: Outliers! (Since one was bigger than Max and the other was smaller than Min http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif )

[narf poit chez BOOM]

http://www.overduemedia.com/archive.aspx?strip=20020819

[Randallw]

Originally posted by Ed Kolis:

Answer: Outliers! (Since one was bigger than Max and the other was smaller than Min http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif ) <font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif
Either its a US joke, or it refers to a graph.

[Member 4148]

math joke statistics
no graph needed to understand
but useful anyway

[Loser]

Whoa there, 4148 (24601?), how'd you do that clever bit in your signature?

[Renegade 13]

Speaking of your sig, 4148, is the ISP in your sig your actual ISP?? The hwy16.com part? Because my ISP is hwy16.com, and I was wondering if you lived in my area?? (I live close to Fort Fraser, British Columbia, Canada)

Just curious.

[Wardad]

OK - it's not really a joke and it's a bit political, but it is well done and I liked it.

http://www.themeatrix.com/

[rdouglass]

Originally posted by Renegade 13:
Speaking of your sig, 4148, is the ISP in your sig your actual ISP?? The hwy16.com part? Because my ISP is hwy16.com, and I was wondering if you lived in my area?? (I live close to Fort Fraser, British Columbia, Canada)

Just curious. <font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Nope; he has browser interrogation code in his sig. It shows (in your browser) you and your ISP's info.

[Suicide Junkie]

FYI, there's no code in the actual sig, just an image tag.

The image is from a server (www.danasoft.com) that does all the work of picking the data out of your browser's image request, and filling it into the image it replies with.

[Arkcon]

Hey, TazinSpace, I hope you're not getting lonely.


Ate 1 too many rabbits made of dynamite. (http://abclocal.go.com/wtvg/features/weirdnews/518_tasmaniandevil.html)

Yeah, I stole that joke from someone else.

[Kamog]

Originally posted by rdouglass:
Why you should NEVER put your photo on the web:

http://www.smlinks.com/sotw/why/ <font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Thanks, that was really funny. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif The Last couple of pictures, the Shrek and Finding Nemo ones are the funniest.

[Randallw]

Originally posted by Arkcon:
Hey, TazinSpace, I hope you're not getting lonely.


Ate 1 too many rabbits made of dynamite. (http://abclocal.go.com/wtvg/features/weirdnews/518_tasmaniandevil.html)

Yeah, I stole that joke from someone else. <font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">FYI, its not just that Devil. Most of the Devils here in the wild have face cancer. Recently we bred some captive Devils that don't have cancer. I don't know which is more disgusting the way they now look, or their table manners.

[Wardad]

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat......He says "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.' So, she did and said, 'These are too big,I can't wear them.'
So I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems.
"Hmmm," says Mike. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on his honeymoon, Mike takes off his pants and says to Karen, "Here try these on. "So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me." So I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' and I don't want you to ever forget that. "Then Karen takes off her pants and hands them to Mike and , "Here you try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants."
So Karen says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-*** attitude, you never will.

[ May 21, 2004, 19:07: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[Wardad]

Listen up! If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead. Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...
From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

http://www.dilbert.com/wash/bonanas/archive/bonanas-20040523.html

[David E. Gervais]

Originally posted by Wardad:
Listen up! If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead. <font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">ROTFLMAO... Wardad, the morgue will have to stay empty, but I'll have to drop by the hospital to have my broken ribs patched up.

Thanks. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Wardad]

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long,I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You
want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...
"LISTEN UP, D*&$HEAD! DRINK YOUR F*****G BEER IN YOUR GO#@$MN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER#$%^$#G SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW. YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, A@@%$@E?"

...and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

[ May 26, 2004, 13:43: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[narf poit chez BOOM]

That's gotta be the best answer to that question I ever heard: http://www.comics.com/wash/candorville/archive/candorville-20040508.html

Now that is truly scary: http://www.comics.com/creators/andycapp/archive/andycapp-20040504.html

[ May 29, 2004, 11:08: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[Atrocities]

ROFLMAO - not really. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

[Ragnarok]

This is a pretty good strip. I thought it would fit this forum... (http://freefall.purrsia.com/default.htm)

[David E. Gervais]

..Two avatars sitting in a forum, one avatar looks over at the other and says,.. "Who let you out of your frame?" To which the second avatar replied,.. "Frames are browser unfriendly and I try my best to avoid them."

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

P.S. IF <=funny THEN GOSUB Bonus_Points_For_Originality. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

[ June 02, 2004, 15:32: Message edited by: David E. Gervais ]

[Ragnarok]

$davidsjoke = funny;

if ($davidsjoke == funny)
{
echo 'LOL!';
}
else
{
echo 'That was lame';
}


Or we could do it this way:

$funnyjoke = true;

if ($funnyjoke == true)
{
echo 'LOL!';
}
else if ($funnyjoke == false)
{
echo 'That was lame';
}

I could do it many other ways but this is enough. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[ June 02, 2004, 17:42: Message edited by: Ragnarok ]

[David E. Gervais]

Rags, are you a polititian? Instead of giving an answer, you gave me two more ways to ask the question. LOL

Now THAT's funny. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Ragnarok]

Originally posted by David E. Gervais:
Rags, are you a polititian?

<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Nope, not a polititian. I do not get involved in politics in any way at all. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

I will add an output section to my code so the answer is given. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Edit: There, I added a variable to contain the result of the joke. Then depending on the result, the code I had at first will now echo the correct result. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[ June 02, 2004, 18:56: Message edited by: Ragnarok ]

[Fyron]

Things you can say to your computer but not your girlfriend:

Oh great, spam again.

You're cheap compared to my Last one.

Stop offering me Viagra.

Let go of my floppy.

Hibernate.

It went down.

Whoops! Wrong port.

Next year I'm getting rid of you and I'm getting a new model.

[Wardad]

GOOD

A Richardson, Texas policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem -- a 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (Gotta love that good ole American Entrepreneurial spirit!)


BETTER

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano, Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.


BEST

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball." He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

[Wardad]

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I asked, "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

6. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

7. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh**head's.

8. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

9. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

10. Life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What I do today, will probably burn my butt tomorrow

[ June 08, 2004, 02:05: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[narf poit chez BOOM]

I've been hearing about this song called 'send in the clowns'.

Any good?

[Parasite]

Originally posted by Wardad:
GOOD

A Richardson, Texas policeman...

BETTER

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano, Texas. ...

BEST ...
<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">This is funny, but the best part is I live in Plano, and work in Richardson. Talk about close to home!

[narf poit chez BOOM]

45 top 20 RPG lists: http://www.webrpg.com/survey/

Pretty funny. From the 'Top Thirty Ways To Kill A Munchkin':

Something I did on my game world was to wipe out magic...

At the end of a particular quest, the PCs managed to locate a tome of incredible power. Only, removing the book from it's resting place angered a particular deity, who tended to thumb through the book on occasion... The angered deity decided to punish the mortals by negating all magic existing in the world!

That is to say, *any* item, scroll, potion, etc that was already enchanted lost it's magical properties... New spells would continue to work as they were cast, and new magical items could be created, but all the old existing ones were suddenly non-magical.

The super-warrior of the party, complete with girdle of Giant Strength, Plate armor +3, Longsword +4, and Ring of Regeneration, etc, etc (all gained from a different GM) was reduced to a regular old "average" fighter... First battle they came up against after the magic faded, he rushed into melee as usual, not realizing what had become of his precious magically enhanced items... He had to be saved by the "weakling" Mage (that fighter thought all mages were weaklings), much to his own embarrassment. The fighter didn't Last much longer though, as the next encounter proved fatal. Old habits die hard, and he died quickly...

The next character that Player drew up had the "no magic items" clause in mind, and he actually came up with a superb PC with *personality*. Will wonders never cease?
<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">

[Wardad]

FASHION ADVICE FOR THE CLOSE TO OR OVER 50 CROWD



Many of us "Older Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50 or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether we should conform to the fashions that the designers in NYC,



California, and/or Paris inflict upon the world. So I made a sincere study of the situation and here are the results:



The following combinations DO NOT go together and thus should be avoided:



1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedo's and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. In-line skates and a walker



Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

You just have to have the highest post, don't you? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Atrocities]

You might be a Redneck If...

1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
3. You've ever used lard in bed.
4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
6. There is a stuffed opposum anywhere in your house.
7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
8. Fewer than half of your cars run.
9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the
State Trooper to kiss her ***.
10. The primary color of your car is "bondo".
11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive
tongue gestures.
12. You stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin
Sue-Ellen to walk by.
13. Your family tree doesn't fork.
14. Your hairdo has never been ruined by a ceiling fan.
15. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
16. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
17. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
18. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
19. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
20. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit"
was snubbed for best picture.
21. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of
ketchup.
22. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
23. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
24. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
25. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
26. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
27. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
28. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
29. Your favorite Christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
30. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.


31. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are
you looking at, ****head?"
32. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food Groups.
33. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
34. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!"
or "HEY!" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
35. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
36. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on
the lube rack.
37. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
38. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
39. You've been too drunk to fish.
40. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
41. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
42. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
43. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
44. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
45. If your riches relative invites you over to his new home to
help him remove the wheels.
46. If you've ever financed a tattoo.
47. If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
48. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
49. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
50. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
51. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
52. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
53. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
54. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

You might be a Red Neck hunter if...

You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberatly.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
Your huntin' dawg cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
If you’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
Your hunting dog has a bigger grave site than your mother.
On a stag night you take a real deer.
You’re turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
You have more pet names for your dog than your girlfriend.
You've ever watched the game warden through your scope.
You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.

[ June 17, 2004, 05:51: Message edited by: Atrocities ]

[Atrocities]

TOP TEN WAYS TO PISS OFF YOUR HYPOCRITICAL, PETA-SUPPORTING NYC NEIGHBORS:

10. Drive down Broadway with your deer tied to the hood of your car.
9. Hang your unbutchered kill from your fire escape to drain.
8. Show off your fashionable new deerhide moccasins.
7. Use the politically correct paradox--invite them over for a low-fat, low-cholesterol venison dinner.
(Be sure to play "Bambi" on your VCR afterwards.)
6. Don't shower after four days in the woods.
5. Mount your deerhead over your fireplace.
4. Set out your hunting magazines on your coffee table.
3. Ask them if you can take their dog hunting with you.
2. Ask them if you can take their children hunting with you.
And our number one way to piss off your do-gooder, hypocritical, PETA-supporting NYC neighbors:
1. Join the NRA.

[Atrocities]

THE HUNTER'S DIARY
1:00 am Alarm clock rings. 2:00 am - Hunting partner arrives - drags you out of bed. 3:00 am L' Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup. 3:05 am". Leave for the deep woods. 3:15 am'- Drive back home and pick up gun. 3:30 am Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight. 4:00 am - Set up camp - forgot the tent. 4:30 am- Head into the woods. 6:05 am - See eight deer. 6:06 am - Take aim and squeeze trigger. 6:07 am:- "Click". 6:08 am - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill. 8:00 am L Head back to camp.
9:00 am:. Still looking for camp..
10:00 and - Realize you don't know where camp is.
Noon - Fire gun for help - eat wild berries.
12:15 PM - Ran out of bullets - eight deer come back.
12:20 PM Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 PM - Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 PM - Rescued.
12:55 PM - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 PM - Arrived back in camp.
3:30 PM - leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 PM - Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 PM - Load gun - leave camp again.
5:00 PM - Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.
6:00 PM - Arrive at camp - see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 PM - Load gun.
6:02 PM - Fire gun.
6:03 PM - One dead pickup truck.
6:05 PM : Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 PM Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 PM - Fall into fire.
6:10 PM - Change clothes - throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 PM • Take pickup - leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 PM - Pickup boils over - hole shot in block.
6:26 PM - Start walking.
6:30 PM Stumble and fall - drop gun in the mud.
6:35 PM - Meet bear.
6:36 PM - Take aim.
6:37 PM - Fire gun - blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 PM - Make mess in pants..
6:39 pin - Climb tree.
9:00 PM - Bear departs - wraps gun around tree.
Midnight - Home at Last.
Next day - Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting
license into little pieces - place in envelope and mail to Game
Warden with very clear instructions on where to place it.

dogyams

[Atrocities]

your bra.
2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
3. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
7. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your *** kicked.
9. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
10. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
11. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
12. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
13. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
14. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

[Atrocities]

1 Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
2 If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.
3 If you push the cyclic forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the cyclic back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the cyclic back -then they get bigger again)
4 Flying NVS is not dangerous; crashing NVS is dangerous.
5 It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
6 The rotor system is just a big fan on top of the helicopter to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
7 Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8 It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
9 The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
10 Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man.... Landing is the first!
11 Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the helicopter another time.
12 The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
13 Always remember you fly a helicopter with your head, not your hands. Never let a helicopter take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
14 You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power
15 Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day.
16 A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
17 Hey WOJG, was that a landing or were we shot down?
18 Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
19 Trust your stick buddy .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
20 Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge. If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.
21 Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.
22 Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
23 There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
24 The only thing worse than a PIC who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a PIC
25 Be nice to your Platoon Leader, he may be your Commander at your next unit.
26 Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
27 A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse.
28 Son, I was flying gunships for a living when you were still in liquid form.
29 It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
30 A GUN PILOT is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
31 A fool and his money are soon flying more helicopter than he can handle.
32 Remember, you're always a student in an helicopter.
33 Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.
34 Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
35 You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
36 There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!
37 Things which do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you... Runway behind you... Fuel in the FARP... Half a second ago... Approach plates in your helmet bag...The height/velocity you don't have.
38 Attack Aviation is the perfect vocation for a man who wants to feel like a boy, but not for one who still is.
39 Asking what a pilot thinks about DES is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.
40 Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.
41 Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Got this one of off RPGsurvey too.

I just got the perfect thing to do when doing a test. (Wish I could do this)

When your doing a multiple choice test, take out a d4 and roll it. Don't actually choose your answer off of it, just roll it, check the number, nod or something and circle the right answer.

It would help if you actually know the right answers, but I figure however well you do, you could probably crack at least one good comment. Not to mention the strange looks you'll get. Especially if you do well. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[ June 18, 2004, 01:34: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[narf poit chez BOOM]

more from RPGsurvey:
Player 1: "What? He threw a WHAT at us?" ... GM (me): " A chicken." ... Player 2: "A fowl trick." ... Everyone else: *groan* ... Player 1: "We're being shelled." ... Everyone else: *groan* ... Player 3: "Eggs-citing."... Everyone else: *groan* ... Me: "Stop cracking yokes." <font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">From a RPG site, bit of an explanation first. this player had a habit of turning himself into a tarresque sp?. Which, if I remeber right, is a large, dinosaur like creature:

DM: 'You hit a wall'
Player: 'I open it!'

[Gandalf Parker]

From my own RPG games...

I buy a horse, I buy a bow. Can you use a bow? No but I might as well learn. (later) We see a kobold hunting party? We charge! Im going to use my new bow. You roll a one. Charging, on a new horse, with a new weapon, you rolled a fumble. At full gallup you just shot your horse in the back of the head.

"I open the door and thrown in a fireball"
"you throw 30,000 cubic feet of flame into the room"
"I open the door and thrown in a fireball"
"you throw 30,000 cubic feet of flame into the room"
"I open the door and thrown in a fireball"
"you throw 30,000 cubic feet of flame into a closet" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

"Your dog is dead." "I take him with me" In town they have it stuffed and a magic mouth cast on it. Now the comment in the game is "the dead dog checks for traps" as they thow it into the room where it stands and barks

The Ogre in the group had a habit of having the Gnome check for traps, by throwing him.

You see carved into a tabletop in the bar, "for a good time, call Hastur". What do you do?

The dragon appears to be sleeping on piles of coin. You can see its sides moving slowly. "We sneak up on it and all attack together". It splits open and out fall carrion crawlers, rot grubs, and a small otyugh. The next day the town crier reports "Party of Brave Adventurers killed by Dead Dragon!" (the real pisser was that the party which had already killed the dragon had taken all thr treasure, except for the silver and copper of course)

I yell at the charging Barbarian Leader "WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE ME TO PROVE THAT YOU WERE YOU?". What is his reaction?

I point behind him and yell at the Ogre "LOOK, ITS THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK!" What does he do?

"We bash in the door." You enter and find...
"We bash in the door." You enter and are attacked...
"We bash in the door." You enter and find...
"We knock on the door." Ummmm... ummm... a grumpy voice inside says "what?". We growl "Pizza"

And our favorite long-running joke...
Whats a cow cost? 16 copper. We buy a cow. But you are going into a dungeon. Yes we push the cow in front of us to "check for traps". We follow the cow. We are the Cult of the Cow! She is our leader!

[ June 18, 2004, 15:34: Message edited by: Gandalf Parker ]

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Originally posted by Gandalf Parker:
From my own RPG games...
You see carved into a tabletop in the bar, "for a good time, call Hastur". What do you do?

(Find a different inn. I don't want to risk scratching out the name and sooner or later someones gonna. Actually, I'll find a different town. Maybe in a different country.)

I yell at the charging Barbarian Leader "WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE ME TO PROVE THAT YOU WERE YOU?". What is his reaction?

(Kills you?)

I point behind him and yell at the Ogre "LOOK, ITS THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK!" What does he do?

(It's an ogre. Looks behind himself, of course.)

"We bash in the door." You enter and find...

(Probably a room built of 10x10x10x squares)

"We bash in the door." You enter and are attacked...

(Shouldn't have sat down)

"We bash in the door." You enter and find...

(Didn't we do this already?)

"We knock on the door." Ummmm... ummm... a grumpy voice inside says "what?". We growl "Pizza"

(And the Dragon LIKES adventurer toppings)
<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">

[Wardad]

I don't know how true it is but it sounds good .... fun reading ..

Here's some stuff you never read in your history books


LIFE IN THE 1500'S


The next time you wash your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s:

Most people married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they soon started to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women nd finally the children. Last of all were the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-(thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.)

It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up a nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big Posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than plain dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet , so they spread thresh (straw) on floors to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance to hold the thresh. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and not much meat. They'd eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.Some- times stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

When they could obtain pork, it made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they'd hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They'd cut off a little to share with guests and all sat around and "chewed the fat."

Those with money owned plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning & death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather round, eat & drink and wait to see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "Wake."

England is old and small so the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they'd dig up coffins and take the bones to a "bone-house" & reuse the grave. When reopening the coffins, many were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they'd been burying people alive. So they tied a string on the wrist of the "corpse", lead it through the coffin.up to the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

[Suicide Junkie]

This sure sounds like a joke:

- Internationally, a material is not classified as a radioactive material until it has a radionuclide activity concentration of 70 Becquerels/gram.

- In the European Community the unconditional release limit for materials containing radium is 10 Bq/g
- In the United States, levels are much more conservative ... at less than 0.37 Bq/g.
- In Canada, unconditional release limits are among the lowest in the world with unconditional release granted if the activity level is 0.30 Bq/g or less.
Material with up to 1 Bq/g of activity may be acceptable for release if radiological assessments indicate that the way in which it is used will not result in any greater amount of exposure than if it were 0.30 Bq/g or less.

-

The coffee you drank this morning?
About 1 Bq/g

Fertilizer on your lawn?
2.2 Bq/g

Your campfire wood?
3.4 Bq/g

The Human Body?
About 4 Bq/g http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

-

If you live in the US or Canada, your kids are worse than radioactive waste!

[narf poit chez BOOM]

The Head of Vecna: http://www.hut.fi/~vesanto/link.fun/stupid.pcs.html
Think about it...

The Most Important D&D Guide You Will EVER, Yes, EVER Come Across: http://invasivesurgery.tripod.com/semicolon/headwall.html

The munchkins Jingle Bells: http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/3120/jokes/xmas.html

[ June 23, 2004, 06:21: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Two buzzards are sitting on a tree, waiting for something to die. And they wait...

And wait...

And wait...

And wait...

And wait...

And wait...

And wait...

And wait...

And wait...

And wait...

And one of them starts grumbling...

And wait...

Still grumbling...

And wait...

Finally, the other one says 'Be patient. Something will die sometime.'

'Patience my ***, I'm going to go out and kill something!'

Just as an informal poll, how many people read this thread?

[ June 29, 2004, 04:49: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[Renegade 13]

I do

[Kamog]

Me too. I don't always read all the posted links, though. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

[Asmala]

I'm reading too.

[primitive]

Check

[Wardad]

shameless padding

[Gandalf Parker]

I read it (but Id still like to see some reworded into SEIV jokes).

[David E. Gervais]

I drop in here when I notice it near the top of the threads. Just in case there is a good rib-cracking joke posted.

I'm still trying to find the infamous "**** List" that was floating around the net several years ago, I still laugh when I think of it.

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Gandalf Parker]

cross-posted from the alt.hacker newsgroup (one of my OTHER homes). This is the original joke and my response....

pijoe <pijoe@REMOVEoperamail.com> wrote in news:40E1B3C9.3EDAEF88@REMOVEoperamail.com:

> scientists have decoded the first message from an alien civilization...
>
> Simply send 6 x 10 to the 50 atoms of Hydrogen to the Star System at the
> top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your Star System at the
> bottom of the list and send it to 100 other Star Systems. Within one-tenth
> of a Galactic Rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your
> civilization until entropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!

LOL I love it!

Now all we need is one saying they have 25,000,000 mindless workers which they MUST transfer somewhere. All they need is a planet to transfer them thru for a decade or two. In order to begin the process, we will need a good faith transfer of only 100,000 of our workers to them.

[Gandalf Parker]

Hmmm that would make a crack up message to send in-game. Lets see....

Build and send 5 ships and gift them to the top 3 races...

[Loser]

I read it. And post like this to pad my count.

[Raging Deadstar]

I do, and it's pointless posting like this that will give me a headstart on 2000 http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Ragnarok]

I read it.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Someone's doing a visual aid for the evil overlord list: http://www.drunkduck.com/Evil_Overlord/

[Loser]

Telling a little story with pictures of a very animated Saddam (http://bigmixup.com/rockpapersaddam)

[Wardad]

"I Can Catch Him"

John, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire.
A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady," yells John, "Throw me the cat."

"No," she cries, "It's too far."

"I play (USA) football, I can catch him."

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to John, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.

John keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and John runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.

John does a little victory dance, lifting the cat above his head, wiggling his knees back and forth, and then spikes the cat into the pavement. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[Tanus]

Jokes and Riddles eh? Well, here's a riddle for you, and if someone figures out what it means... well, I don't know what I'd do.

But hey, check the sig, and see if you can figure it out http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/confused.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

I say it's code and that Jack will have it figured out within half an hour of seeing it.

[Jack Simth]

You'd lose that bet - there are a few too many types of things (and a few too many specifics under each type) of what it might be for me to run through them effectively in the allotted time.

Some samples of possibilities:

1) Each grouping could stand for a single letter, in which case (for out purposes) it is an unbreakable one time pad.

2) The groupings could be a distraction, and it's just 36 letters scrambled in a particular fasion.

3) The groupings could be a distraction, and it's a simple letter-code which then can be broken into words by adding spaces at appropriet locations

4) it could be coding for a small ASCII picture when arranged in a particular fasion (36 letters can be evenly arrayed out into 1x36, 2x18, 3x12, 4x9, 6x6, 9x4, 12x3, 18x2, or 36x1). If the spaces are meaningful, then there are 47 or 48 characters to deal with (47 is prime, and can be discounted for picture purposes).

5) it is possible some set of symbols needs to be filtered out to get the message

6) it could be random garbage

7) it could be padded with random garbage

8) something I'm not thinking of at the moment

9) it could be a specific, used form of encryption

10) it could be an idiot code, where each segment means something long

11) a variation on the above

12) just about any combination of the above

Without a much larger sample size and/or further data, no algorythm will produce better results than guessing or exhaustive search (algorythms specifically designed for a type that the code just happens to be count as guessing, as they eliminate the other types by random chance of being that particular algorythm).

[Wardad]

Hilarious! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

http://www.huntsville-realtor.com/funny/Blondestar2004.mp3

[Wardad]

Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year-old who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal as she drapes herself over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend?! She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

Bob says, "I lied about my age."

His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

[Kamog]

Originally posted by Tanus:
IAI OPS TTS DST SIC IOO INU ESD NQS TCE LUT IUS<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">I give up. I spent about 3 hours trying to figure it out and I have no idea what it means.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Originally posted by Jack Simth:
You'd lose that bet - there are a few too many types of things (and a few too many specifics under each type) of what it might be for me to run through them effectively in the allotted time.
<font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Well. That certainly shows me how little I know about code-breaking. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[Tanus]

Ok, a few things to at least narrow it a wee bit.

A) It's not unbreakable (ie. one-time pad), 'cause what's the fun of a riddle/clue if there's no way to answer it http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif

B) It's not random garbage, nor have I inserted anything 'random' into it - see above

C) This is a legitimate pattern, that has been used in the past. (ie - I didn't make up the format)

That help at all?

[Wardad]

Hilarious!

http://www.huntsville-realtor.com/funny/Blondestar2004.mp3

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Warning: Do not read if you take Star Wars to seriously: http://3do.jediknight.net/dcm/strips/33.gif

[ July 12, 2004, 18:18: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[capnq]

I got it! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">code:</font><hr /><pre style="font-size:x-small; font-family: monospace;">IAI OPS
TTS DST
SIC IOO
INU ESD
NQS TCE
LUT IUS</pre><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Read vertically down the columns.

[ July 12, 2004, 18:26: Message edited by: capnq ]

[narf poit chez BOOM]

I don't understand latin.

[Tanus]

Excellent http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

It's a bit easier to read if you break it up a bit - the thing of it is that it's a perfect square. 6x6.

I A I O P S
T T S D S T
S I C I O O
I N U E S D
N Q S T C E
L U T I U S

Now for the next question, can anybody figure out the quote and it's translation?

[ July 12, 2004, 21:38: Message edited by: Tanus ]

[Tanus]

Ok, the formatting didn't work very well on that, so here it is written out in a big string:

ITSINLATINQUISCUSTODIETIPSOSCUSTODES

[Randallw]

Who watches the watchers.

[Tanus]

That was quick. Smart people around here http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

Guess I'm going to have to change my sig or think up a new code. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[Randallw]

Well it helps when you understand basic Latin (thats what happens when you were an altar server)

Also helps if you ever read "WATCHMEN" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[ July 13, 2004, 00:13: Message edited by: Randallw ]

[Kamog]

Wow, that's pretty clever. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

*Because you've always wondered... (http://3do.jediknight.net/dcm/misc/stm.gif)

* If your name is Gryphin or Growltigger, it's not what your thinking. Stop being so predictable. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Wardad]

Guys,

You might like this story about how things are done in Wisconsin.

---------------------------------------------

Brewski from heaven?
Kegs fall from truck; finder gets to enjoy contents

By Jessica Bock
Wausau Daily Herald
jbock@wdhprint.com

The beer gods were looking after Patrick Troyer on Wednesday when three kegs of Wisconsin Amber lager crossed Troyer's path on his way to work.

The beer, brewed by Capital Brewery of Middleton, had fallen out of the back of a delivery truck and onto a Wausau street because the driver had failed to secure the back door. But in Troyer's mind, he had experienced divine intervention.

"I think the clouds parted a little bit and the sun was shining down on me at that moment," Troyer, 29, recalled Thursday.

He was driving west Wednesday morning on Bridge Street and approaching Sixth Street when it happened. The beer truck had been en route to Scott Street Steak & Pub. When the driver of the delivery truck, owned by Central Beer Distributors, rounded the corner at North Sixth and Bridge streets, the 5-gallon slim kegs fell out.
Troyer put the car in reverse and the barrels, plummeting from the back end, narrowly missed his vehicle. He pulled over and got out to inspect.

Troyer moved the kegs off the road and waited for the driver to come back before loading them in his car and driving around to search for the truck. The two apparently just missed each other, because when the driver came back, he didn't see Troyer or the kegs.
In Wisconsin, beer that literally falls off the back of a truck isn't going to be left in the street for very long. So the driver called Wausau police and reported the missing kegs.

The driver was mostly just concerned that the incident had occurred and was glad that no one was hurt, said Mike Fischer, general manager of Central Beer Distributors in Rothschild.

Capital Brewery President Carl Nolen said it was a compliment the kegs were picked up so quickly.

"Some other brands might have stayed (on the street) longer," Nolen said.
Meanwhile, back at work, Troyer made arrangements to keep the beer cold in a relative's extra refrigerator and searched the Internet for Capital Brewery, the name he found adorning the kegs.

He faxed the company in Middleton a letter to report the incident and to inquire how to return the kegs, preferably after he emptied them.

Capital Brewery officials gladly obliged and canceled the police report they had filed on the missing kegs. They plan to mail Troyer a company shirt to enjoy with his free beer.

The Wisconsin Amber will be tapped for Troyer's two softball teams and a family reunion next week.
"I've got a family with a pretty strong German background, so I will be the hero this year," Troyer said.
Typically, Troyer enjoys weiss beers, the microbrews at Hereford and Hops in Wausau and the occasional Pabst Blue Ribbon. But since finding the kegs, he has sampled a glass of Capital Brewery's award-winning Wisconsin Amber at a restaurant.

"It was damn good," he said.

[Wardad]

The B-52, as a model airplane.

It may take a little time to load, as it is a 2 minute movie, but well worth the time.

This project had to have some man hours and bucks sunk into it, to get this thing to fly. The engines alone had to be real special. It is truly an incredible venture by the people who created it.



B52 toy?

www.mcgirt.net/RC/VIDEOS/Giant_B52/B52_flight2.wmv (http://www.mcgirt.net/RC/VIDEOS/Giant_B52/B52_flight2.wmv)

[narf poit chez BOOM]

http://businesscartoons.homestead.com/1207.html

[narf poit chez BOOM]

This strip is funny: http://talesfromthevault.com/thunderstruck/comic018.html

[ July 16, 2004, 22:26: Message edited by: narf poit chez BOOM ]

[Randallw]

That day may be funny, but when someone introduces me to a new webcomic I go back and read previous days and then bookmark it if I think it want to read it from the start. I won't be doing it with this one (this days seems the only humorous one in the series)

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Yeah, what I meant. I'll edit it.

[Wardad]

Great commercials!!!!!!!!

http://www.ircuser.org/files/rbeer.swf
http://www.ircuser.org/files/monkey.swf

gotta luv it http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Loser]

Du du do du do
du doo du do
Mahnamahna! (http://69.138.57.46:8080/billsjunk/Movies/mahnamahna)
du du do du do
dudododudodudodudo
Mahnamahna (http://vazka-c.wz.cz/mahnamahna/mahnamahna.wmv)

[Loser]

http://perso.wanadoo.fr/chezmoi/videos-mahnahmahna.htm

[Randallw]

May I suggest you give some indication of how long whatever you link to is. I tried to look at the link and waited for it to download. I eventually got bored with how long it was taking and didn't want to stop because for all I knew it would be finished in 5 seconds. After what was at least 1/2 an hour maybe 1, I got fed up and quit.

[Loser]

Oh, the first one is Really Big
the second one is smaller

sorry

try Right Click and Save for a progress meter.

[Gandalf Parker]

Hopefully this will be a short-lived joke so enjoy it while you can....

Joe: "the Shrapnel Forums"
Jill: "Who's there?"
Joe: "knock knock"

[Ragnarok]

Originally posted by Gandalf Parker:
Hopefully this will be a short-lived joke so enjoy it while you can....

Joe: "the Shrapnel Forums"
Jill: "Who's there?"
Joe: "knock knock" <font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif Interesting joke and fitting for this forums. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

The shrapnel forums who?

[narf poit chez BOOM]

From a RPG list of 'top ten worst wands': 5. Wand of Tarrasque detection, 5 feet

[Atrocities]

Originally posted by Gandalf Parker:
Hopefully this will be a short-lived joke so enjoy it while you can....

Joe: "the Shrapnel Forums"
Jill: "Who's there?"
Joe: "knock knock" <font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">My good friend GP, you must really stop drinking your own home brewed beer. It is really beginning to effect you. Besides, you could go blind drinking that rot gut. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[David E. Gervais]

Originally posted by Gandalf Parker:
Hopefully this will be a short-lived joke so enjoy it while you can....

Joe: "the Shrapnel Forums"
Jill: "Who's there?"
Joe: "knock knock" <font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">?? Is there a member that goes by the handle KnockKnock? That's the only way this would make sense to me. (I'm brain dead today, so any 'obvious' jokes will escape me.)

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Gandalf Parker]

Originally posted by David E. Gervais:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Originally posted by Gandalf Parker:
Hopefully this will be a short-lived joke so enjoy it while you can....

Joe: "the Shrapnel Forums"
Jill: "Who's there?"
Joe: "knock knock" <font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">?? Is there a member that goes by the handle KnockKnock? That's the only way this would make sense to me. (I'm brain dead today, so any 'obvious' jokes will escape me.)

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">The joke is in reverse order. Like the forums.

[ July 27, 2004, 14:49: Message edited by: Gandalf Parker ]

[Suicide Junkie]

ohhh.

But its all the other forums that are in reverse order...
Shrapnel is using the right order http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Gandalf Parker]

Originally posted by Suicide Junkie:
But its all the other forums that are in reverse order...
Shrapnel is using the right order http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif <font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Shrapnel is the same order as any customer support forum. You know, the kind that usually do "trouble ticket" things. Its just opposite of community forums. But as I said, soon the joke should be on of those things we will have to answer newbie questions as "well it used to be"

[Suicide Junkie]

Originally posted by Gandalf Parker:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Originally posted by Suicide Junkie:
But its all the other forums that are in reverse order...
Shrapnel is using the right order http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif <font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Shrapnel is the same order as any customer support forum. You know, the kind that usually do "trouble ticket" things. Its just opposite of community forums. But as I said, soon the joke should be on of those things we will have to answer newbie questions as "well it used to be" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">"It used to be a better format than the other forums" or "it used to be 'reversed'"?

[ July 27, 2004, 17:12: Message edited by: Suicide Junkie ]

[Ragnarok]

Originally posted by Gandalf Parker:
But as I said, soon the joke should be on of those things we will have to answer newbie questions as "well it used to be" <font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">I hope by that you do not mean that Shrapnel is thinking of changing things to the more common layout of oldest Posts first and on down. I would truely hate to see that happen here.

[Gandalf Parker]

Lets move to the proper thread. I like the jokes and riddles centre. Didnt mean to hijack it.
http://www.shrapnelgames.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=67&t=000024

[David E. Gervais]

Originally posted by Suicide Junkie:
ohhh.

But its all the other forums that are in reverse order...
Shrapnel is using the right order http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif <font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">I agree, that's why I had trouble decyphering the joke. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif

LOL

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Kamog]

Yeah, sometimes when I read a different forum I'm surprised to see that it's in the wrong order. I click on page #1 and I read about halfway down the page and start wondering why these people are asking questions that are already answered in the previous post, and then I suddenly realize that the dates are all from 2002 or whatever.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
The shrapnel forums who? <font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">So, is someone going to answer? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

http://www.countyoursheep.com/d/20040726.html

[David E. Gervais]

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
The shrapnel forums who? <font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">So, is someone going to answer? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Hey! Did someone let an Owl into the forums again? (btw owls go hoo, not woo or who. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/tongue.gif )

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

P.S. Oh and Narf, Owls eat mice, so next time look through the peephole before you open the door. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Owls do not eat eight foot mice.

*Whack*

[Randallw]

In D+D giant owls probably do. You better be careful after all http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon7.gif .

[Wardad]

This is downright hilarious!!!!!!!!!! It’s Kerry and Bush singing “This land is my land”.


http://atomfilms.shockwave.com/contentPlay/shockwave.jsp?id=this_land&preplay=1


...Warning: LARGE 3.7M download...

[Jack Simth]

Originally posted by Wardad:
This is downright hilarious!!!!!!!!!! It’s Kerry and Bush singing “This land is my land”.


http://atomfilms.shockwave.com/contentPlay/shockwave.jsp?id=this_land&preplay=1


...Warning: LARGE 3.7M download... <font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">Trying to make sure it doesn't get lost in a 300+ post thread? Moving it here probably won't help much, as this is an 800+ post thread.... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon12.gif

[Wardad]

Interesting how Google works.

Try this very soon, before someone forces Google to fix its site:

1) Go to www.Google.com (http://www.Google.com)

2) Type in -- weapons of mass destruction--(DON'T hit enter)

3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, NOT the"Google search"

4) Read the "error message" carefully - the WHOLE page.

Someone at Google really has a sense of humor.

[Gandalf Parker]

Thats not a google problem. It worked the way it was supposed to. "feeling lucky" went to the most popular and on-topic site (based on the computers keyword database)

But it is a very well done page.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/14/14_6_12.gif ('http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb008')

[ August 03, 2004, 04:54: Message edited by: Gandalf Parker ]

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Funny and thoughtfull stuff:
http://utlt.keenspace.com/d/20040803.html
http://utlt.keenspace.com/d/20040802.html
http://utlt.keenspace.com/d/20040728.html
http://utlt.keenspace.com/d/20040727.html
http://utlt.keenspace.com/d/20040726.html
http://utlt.keenspace.com/d/20040725.html
http://utlt.keenspace.com/d/20040724.html
http://utlt.keenspace.com/d/20040723.html
http://utlt.keenspace.com/d/20040721.html
http://nipandtuck.keenspace.com/d/20040729.html
http://nipandtuck.keenspace.com/d/20040728.html
http://nipandtuck.keenspace.com/d/20040727.html
http://nipandtuck.keenspace.com/d/20040726.html
http://nipandtuck.keenspace.com/d/20040725.html
http://nipandtuck.keenspace.com/d/20040724.html
http://nipandtuck.keenspace.com/d/20040723.html
http://nipandtuck.keenspace.com/d/20040722.html
http://npc.keenspace.com/
http://npc.keenspace.com/d/20040730.html
http://npc.keenspace.com/d/20040728.html

[Wardad]

INVESTING FOR YOUR RETIREMENT:

----------

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-


But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago,drank all the beer,then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan

[David E. Gervais]

Originally posted by Wardad:
INVESTING FOR YOUR RETIREMENT:

.. But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago,drank all the beer,then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan <font size="2" face="sans-serif, arial, verdana">wow, no,.. WoW, actually WOW! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/shock.gif $1000 worth of beer and you get $214 back in recycled cans? Where do you live? That would make the cost of your beer around $0.20 per can. and you get $0.05 back on each can. Around here beer is about $1 a can (when bought by the case) so you would only get $50 back on that $1000.

You know what they say,.. "If it sounds too good to be true,.."

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

[Ragnarok]

Narf, you would probably like this comic, although I'm sure you have read it already. This comic right here...clicky click... (http://freefall.purrsia.com/default.htm)

[narf poit chez BOOM]

That's the webcomic that was in Phoenix-D's sig, that started me on my webcomic craze, that got me to buy a few print comics, that got me to ask if the library had comics, which they did.

So, yeah, I've read that one. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/icons/icon10.gif

I'd read a few webcomics before that, but just as a casual thing. I think I might have bumped into Real Life and PvP before that. www.reallifecomics.com (http://www.reallifecomics.com) www.pvpOnline.com (http://www.pvpOnline.com)

[Wardad]

Just amazing... the things you find in your email box...

------------------------------------------------

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"I put my best hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey", I called, "come look at the hamster!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth.""OH, Gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay."

Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... um.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my FLAWLESS manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 Hamsters.... $10

1 Cage.... $20

1 Trip to the Vet.... $30

Memory of your husband pulling on a hamster's winkie.... Priceless!

[Randallw]

Q: What is wrong with Playstations Olympics game?
A: It is blantantly unrealistic. There are actually people spectating. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

[Wardad]

For all those men who say,
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."

Here's an update for you.....
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig,....
Just to get a little sausage.

[Loser]

this is a great piece.
I'm cryin' here
http://cuagain.manilasites.com/discuss/msgReader$287

[Randallw]

Good Lord!. I havn't got much experience with such vermin so I can't be certain if its true. It is possible enough that I can't dismiss it though.

[Ed Kolis]

An actual SE4 riddle! Betcha won't get this one! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

What sound does a DUC make?

[Raging Deadstar]

Ed Kolis said:
An actual SE4 riddle! Betcha won't get this one! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

What sound does a DUC make?



To slightly rephrase a quote I once saw on the Schlock Mercenary Forums:

"It makes a sound which is either Comforting or Scary depending on what side of the barrel you are on..."

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

[Fyron]

Ed Kolis said:
An actual SE4 riddle! Betcha won't get this one! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

What sound does a DUC make?

Quack.

[Kamog]

It makes the "uranc.wav" sound. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif

[Wardad]

{I have been a Travel Agent for thirty Years. These snipetts show why the nation is in such trouble!}
&gt;
I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
&gt;
I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ...(click).
&gt;
A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"
&gt;
I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
&gt;
An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
&gt;
An Illinois Congresswoman called Last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
&gt;
A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' (I was actually laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
&gt;
A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
&gt;
I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
&gt;
A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!
&gt;
A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
&gt;
A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere. "The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map! "The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal," she said.
&gt;
Now you know why Government is in the shape that it's in

[Wardad]

A Polish immigrant goes to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an eye sight test.

The optician shows him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z' .





"Can you read this?" the optician asks.





"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy."

[Randallw]

I sort of know a polish joke, but fear not its not making fun of polish people. I can't remember the name exactly so I'll try to use the Popes name.

Jane Wojtyla was always having to explain how to spell her Last name. She had come to dread telling people. One day she phoned the Polish embassy to get a travel visa. The dreaded time came to say her name

"What name is it for?"
"Jane Wojtyla"
"How do you spell it?"
"w..o...j..."
"No, how do you spell Jane?"

[Ed Kolis]

Fyron came close... the answer I had in mind was... (drumroll)... "QUAC" :p

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Read this: http://www.drunkduck.com/Culture_Shock/

Um, it'll probably be off the first page sometime.

[Wardad]

I can read it but then English is my language. If English is a second language for you, can you read?

-----------------------------------------------------------

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought
slpeling was ipmorantt!

[Asmala]

Wardad said:
I can read it but then English is my language. If English is a second language for you, can you read?



English isn't my native language but I can read it.

[Randallw]

True story.

A local Radio show is holding a Tasmanian idle competition to find the laziest person at the rural show. I thought of entering but couldn't be bothered.

[Renegade 13]

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif Good one!

[Jack Simth]

Online game, takes itself exceptionally un-seriously:
http://www3.kingdomofloathing.com/

[David E. Gervais]

I wanted to make a post in here, but thought better of it. Then I had a change of heart, but had nothing to say. So this is the best I could do.

I'm glad I'm a better artist than a forum poster. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

'No thanks, I already have a penguin.' www.coolsig.com (http://www.coolsig.com)

[Wardad]

================================================== ====

LOUISIANA GHOST STORY

A stranded man was on the side of the road hoping to catch a ride on a terribly dark night while in the middle of a raging thunderstorm. Time passed slowly as he realized no cars were going to go by. It was raining so hard he could scarcely see his hand in front of his face, when suddenly he saw a car moving slowly; approaching him and appearing so very ghostlike in the rain. The car slowly crept toward him and lurched to a stop.

Wanting a ride so very badly, the fellow quickly jumped in the car and closed the door. It was only then that he realized there was no driver behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the stranded man became terrified, too terrified to even think of jumping out and running.

In stark terror, he saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, with the brackish waters of the bayou just below and no guardrail to protect him. Still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begged God to spare his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou where he would surely drown.

Then just before the curve, a hand appeared through the driver's window and gently turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with fear, the frightened man watched the hand reappear every time the ghost car reached a curve. Finally, scared near to death and with all any man could take, he jumped out of the car and ran the rest of the way to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and with quavering voice, ordered two shots of whiskey and began to relate his story to all about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped the bar, Patrons and everybody got goose bumps when they realized that this guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one said to the other, "Look Bordeaux, ders dat idiot dat rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain."

BOO! THE END

[narf poit chez BOOM]

You knew it was out there somewhere... Waiting... Lurking... Ready to jump out at you at any second... The End Of The Internet! (http://www.shibumi.org/eoti/index.htm)

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Fear! FEAR!! http://ssshotaru.homestead.com/files/aolertranslator.html

[narf poit chez BOOM]

&lt;a href="http://merctea.com/nerdtest.html" target="_blank"&gt;42.857142857142854% of me is a huge nerd! How about you?&lt;/a&gt;

[Suicide Junkie]

narf poit chez BOOM said:
Fear! FEAR!! http://ssshotaru.homestead.com/files/aolertranslator.html



DID U KNOW TAHT DOLPHINS R SO INTELIEGNT TAHT WITHIN ONLY A F3W WEKS OF CAPTIVITY THEY CAN TRANE MERICANS 2 STAND AT DA VERY ADGE OF DA POL AND THROW THAM FISH?!?!!!?! OMG LOL

Wow, it works!

[Wardad]

This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!
We have all had bad dates...but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays . This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real
gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that
indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves,
they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced
with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first
place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As for the Tonight Show... she took the prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment - - - - This gives a whole new meaning to being "pissed off".

[Wardad]

Canadian liquor manufacturers have accepted the Health Canada's
suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately
on all varieties of alcohol containers:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what
the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting
your *** kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode

***

[Ruatha]

Suicide Junkie said:

narf poit chez BOOM said:
Fear! FEAR!! http://ssshotaru.homestead.com/files/aolertranslator.html



DID U KNOW TAHT DOLPHINS R SO INTELIEGNT TAHT WITHIN ONLY A F3W WEKS OF CAPTIVITY THEY CAN TRANE MERICANS 2 STAND AT DA VERY ADGE OF DA POL AND THROW THAM FISH?!?!!!?! OMG LOL

Wow, it works!



OMG LOL http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

900th!

[Randallw]

I read "Get Fuzzy" every day and they've had a few really good jokes lately. They seem to make fun of Liberals, but hey I think of myself as a liberal and I like them. Incidentaly, the one telling the jokes is a cat who votes Republican and Rob Wilco wants to vote for Nader.

(about a big dog)
"Your'e lucky he's not here"
"Homey, he runs faster than a prune taster with a stomach virus"
"lovely"

"Rob Wilco is so liberal..."
"How liberal is he?"
"If he was a tube of sunblock, his instructions would be apply like me"

The following are a bit foreign to me but americans might understand them.
"Comrade. You're so liberal, on career day they put your desk to the left of P.E.T.A's" (not sure of this one)

"Wilco (to Rob Wilco), you're so far left the Last time you played right field you tripped over third base"

"When Castro doesn't finish his meal, he has ROBovers the next day"

[Wardad]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met but, somehow, now it's my fault."

[Wardad]

Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, "I tink it's time!" So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, "Hey, Ole! You yust had a son! Ain't dat great? "

Vell, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and he said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor den held up a little girl. He said, "Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter! She's a pretty little ting, too...."

Ole got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Holey Moley, Ole, we still ain't done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Ole, you yust had youself another boy!" Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena, "How come we got tree on the first try?"

Lena said, "You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?" Ole said, "Yeah, I do. Uffda!, it's a damn good ting I didn't get the WD-40!"

[Wardad]

One Saturday morning a deer hunter gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the gun and goes to the garage to warm up his truck and head down to his favorite hunting area.

He backs his truck out of the garage and discovers the rain is really pouring down, It is like a torrential downpour. There is also some snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 MPH.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so minutes later, he puts his truck in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is really terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid *** husband is out hunting in that [censored]?"

[Starhawk]

lol okay the second one was pretty lame to be honest but the third one was a goodie http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

We havn't had any riddles in a long time.

[Fyron]

Indeed. Here is a hilarious, yet semi-offensive, image to tide you over:

*Possibly offensive link, you have been warned.* (http://img4.exs.cx/img4/2084/a379.gif)

[Raging Deadstar]

Imperator Fyron said:
Indeed. Here is a hilarious, yet semi-offensive, image to tide you over:

*Possibly offensive link, you have been warned.* (http://img4.exs.cx/img4/2084/a379.gif)


Meouch lol...

In some people's eyes (e.g. not mine) the guy who made that is going to a "special hell"

Reserved for Child Molesters and People who talk in theatre http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/smirk.gif

[Gandalf Parker]

Imperator Fyron said:
Indeed. Here is a hilarious, yet semi-offensive, image to tide you over:

*Possibly offensive link, you have been warned.* (http://img4.exs.cx/img4/2084/a379.gif)



Thats one of my favorite sites. Its Tshirts for people who are brave enough to troll in public. Like the one that says (cut)

They are continually in lawsuits. Presently 2 for (cut)

I turned in a bunch of suggestions for their "if we use it you win $200" contest but they havent used any yet. Such as (cut)

[mottlee]

Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Kathy.
The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal
prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage,low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.

You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do
love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Kathy what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But,if I was going to give this thing to Kathy to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time... So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long,less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no
friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say,"don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is likehindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,
DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-gun that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Someone already posted that somewhere.

[Raging Deadstar]

narf poit chez BOOM said:
Someone already posted that somewhere.


The strangest thing is It was him who posted it somewhere first http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Oh. I really must remember st...Uh, what were we t...HEY, WHO ARE YOU AND W...I want a banana.

[Kamog]

narf poit chez BOOM said:
Oh. I really must remember st...Uh, what were we t...HEY, WHO ARE YOU AND W...I want a banana.


/threads/images/Graemlins/icon30.gif

[TurinTurambar]

Blonde Joke

(Haven't read the whole thread.. hope this isn't a repeat...)

A blonde woman is walking down a country road one day past many empty, freshly-plowed fields. Lost in non-thought, she suddenly looks up upon hearing a strange grunting noise coming from the field to her right.

Out in the middle of this field is a woman in a rowboat; sweating, grunting, rowing furiously to no avail. And yes, she's blonde too.

Now the first blonde is outraged. She's been taking crap about her hair color for a long time. She rushes across the ditch to the fence surrounding the field, pulls up short and starts screaming at the "living insult" in the row-boat:

"How dare you!? You are an idiot! It's blonds like you who make it so hard for the rest of us! Because of people like you I've actually thought seriously about dying my hair! You should be beaten senseless for what you're doing...."

"... and if I could swim.... I'd come out there and KICK YOUR ***!!"

Turin

[Randallw]

A Blind man walks into a bar full of women and sits down. As it is a womens only bar he is given a lot of glances. He sits down and orders a beer. The Waitress behind the bar gives it to him. He then asks all and sundry if they want to hear a blond joke. The waitress says to him
"First I am a BLond woman. The woman next to you, who weighs 300lbs is blond. Next to her is a 3 times world wrestling champion who is also Blond. Next to her is a blond womens karate champion. Now do you still want to tell that BLond joke?"
"Not if I have to explain it 4 times"


Another man walks into his office and starts to hang upside down from the ceiling. His blond secretary asks him what he is doing.
"I'm a lightbulb" he answers.
eventually the boss walks by and sees the employee hanging from the ceiling.
"Whats he doing?" he asks the secretary.
"He thinks he's a lightbulb" she replies.
"You're mad" he screams at the employee "Go home". To which the man comes down from the ceiling and starts to leave. The blond starts to follow him.
"Where are you going?" the boss asks the secretary.
"Well I can't do any work without any light"

[Atrocities]

True Story:

The boss, a blond women, leaves to go work on the new computer for a while. She says she will be back by lunch. Lunch comes and goes and no Boss. The day finally comes to and end and still no boss. Being curious we go look for her.

We find her sitting at the computer clicking the print button. "Laurie what are you doing?"

"This computer won't print out."

"Um thats because the printer is a DOT MATRIX printer and does not work with this computer."

So we go to the print room and find that she has printed the printer out of paper. Some 1,000 sheets of nothing but blond jokes.

I sware that this is a true story. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

[Randallw]

Two chickens are standing on the side of the road. One chicken on each side. The first chicken shouts out to the other

"HOW DO I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE?"

to which the second chicken replies

"YOU'RE ALREADY ON THE OTHER SIDE YOU IDIOT!"

[Renegade 13]

The Darwin Awards (person who manages to eliminate their pathetic genes from the gene pool in the most idiotic manner, preferably before procreating)

The Winner! *

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulaweyo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,"FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The security guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him.
The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"

Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.

and A 5-STAR DARWIN AWARD WINNER!
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

[Randallw]

Ok I am familiar with the Darwin awards (I have both books) and the winner clearly counts, however none of those honourable mentions should even be considered as the people aren't killing themselves or removing their genes from the population. The closest is if the chef had removed his ability to procreate rather than his finger. The bloke siphoning sewage, apart from being an urban legend, isn't even killed, unless he choked to death (I'll have to check my book). They're funny ofcourse but don't fit the requirements.

[douglas]

That's why they're Honorable Mentions and not actual Darwin Awards.

[Renegade 13]

I don't know Randallw, I just took these from an email my uncle sent me. They're still amusing, so even though they don't quite fit the criteria, I felt they could still be included.

[Randallw]

ah don't mind me I'm just being pedantic. As I said I find the Darwin awards very funny. I guess I was trying to be the resident Darwin award expert http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

http://www.darwinawards.com/

[Renegade 13]

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything."

A dyslexic man walks into a rab.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't
much but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
funny to you?"

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

[Renegade 13]

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race...you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you're gay.
If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing lazy pr**k.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off
your lazy *** and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her...that is favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet ..........it's male indifference.
If you cry............you're a wimp.
If you don't....................you're an insensitive bast**d.
If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.
If SHE asks you.........it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a
pervert.
If you don't..............you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape...........you're
sexist.
If you don't...............you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.
If you don't ...........you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.
If you don't.................you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements........you're full of sh*t.
If you're not ....................you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache............she's tired.
If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.
If you don't................there must be someone else.

Men die first because they want to.

[Starhawk]

LOL I Agree with that entirely! women are a pain in the ***, and we love them for it, but not so much as to want to stay alive in a world full of them for 150 years http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

[Ed Kolis]

How do you tell a fundamentalist Christian terrorist from a fundamentalist Islamic terrorist?

The Christian terrorist yells "the great SANTA dies today" as he blows himself up in front of a secular Christmas display http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif

[Starhawk]

Ed Kolis said:
How do you tell a fundamentalist Christian terrorist from a fundamentalist Islamic terrorist?

The Christian terrorist yells "the great SANTA dies today" as he blows himself up in front of a secular Christmas display http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif



Not funny..... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/mad.gif

[rdouglass]

This Darwin has been my favorite for a long time now:


In San Jose, California, Herman, an avid hunter, used the butt of his shotgun to bash his girlfriend's windshield during an argument. But his loaded gun accidentally discharged into his stomach, killing him and ending the argument.

[Jack Simth]

Starhawk said:

Ed Kolis said:
How do you tell a fundamentalist Christian terrorist from a fundamentalist Islamic terrorist?

The Christian terrorist yells "the great SANTA dies today" as he blows himself up in front of a secular Christmas display http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif



Not funny..... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/mad.gif


Especially as most the anti-santa crowd is Hindu or Buddhist (sp?) or Jewish or ....

[geoschmo]

You've heard of the dyslexic agnostic right? He does not profess to be an atheist, but he is skeptical about the existence of dog.

[Starhawk]

Okay that one is kind of amusing.

LOVE THAT DARWIN AWARD LOL

This one is funny too http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

Death by Lava Lamp
28 November 2004, Washington | We have a new Darwin winner, with the recent demise of a man at the hands of his lava lamp. "Why on Earth he heated a lava lamp on the stove, we don't know," said baffled police.

No drug or alcohol evidence was found; Philip Quinn, 24, in his right mind, placed a lava lamp on his kitchen burner and turned up the flame. In due course, he rediscovered this favorite explosive generator of deadly shrapnel. He was found dead in his Kent trailer home, a shard of glass through his heart.

[TurinTurambar]

Trailer home. 'Nuff said.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Exactly what about not being able to afford a house makes someone stupid?

[Kamog]

I'm guessing that he probably put the lava lamp on the stove because I think if you heat it up, the colored blobs move faster.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

I found this on a search for 'funniest thing on the net' and clicking 'I'm feeling lucky' on google. I don't know if it's the funniest thing on the net, but it's certainly in the running: http://www.the-logos.com/theme_more/312_0_5_0_C/
And it's geeky.

[rdouglass]

Things supposedly said by police officers:


"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1, 200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey ****."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

[narf poit chez BOOM]

This is priceless: http://www.lulu.com/content/102550

To qoute from the baen forums (Since you need to register to read):


Subject: If you remember Eye Of Argon....
Author: Wyman Cooke
Date: 28 Jan 2005 11:42 PM
...and Naked Came The Stranger, then you'll get a kick out of this:

Publish America claims that they reject 80% of the books submitted to them. That they are _not_ a vanity press. So James D. Macdonald, of Mageworlds fame, decided to test the claims. He cooked up a bad plot and got around forty folks to play along. They each got a list of the characters in their chapter, along with a line or two of plot. No clue as to what came before or after. The finished, if you can call it that, novel was submitted to PA. PA bit, hook, line, and sinker. To quote James:

"You can read the manuscript at
ftp://ftp.sff.net/pub/people/doylemacdonald/sting/StingManuscript.rtf

You can read the acceptance letter at
ftp://ftp.sff.net/pub/people/doylemacdonald/sting/Sting_acceptance.rtf

You can read the sample contract at
ftp://ftp.sff.net/pub/people/doylemacdonald/sting/Contract.pdf

End quote.

Don't eat or drink while reading.

There is actually a call for this novel, despite PA's withdrawing the contract. You can find it at.

http://www.lulu.com/content/102550

Wyman


To summarize why I admired the Gipper: He was put on earth to do two things: kick butt and chew gum, and he ran out of gum around 1962.---Jonah Goldberg.

And I forgot to mention one other thing; the authors were encouraged to write as BAD as they could.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Hey, anybody want the inside of their screen cleaned, for free? You never know how dusty it might get in there: http://www.clean-your-screen-for-free-now.com/

This one, I think, needs no explanation (The picture was hosted on the baen forums and probably would have required a password to access): http://www3.telus.net/funnybnz/Balloons.jpg

[Randallw]

I would think the police would bring a stop to that second picture.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Unfortunatly, they probably would.

[Gandalf Parker]

The screen cleaner made me think I might have been ripped off. But its cute, thanks for the link

Mine I did for the military. At scheduled times it would pop up a cartoon character which did a window washing of the screen. It ended with "OK now do your side."

[narf poit chez BOOM]

More funny stuff from the Baen forums...


Subject: The Pasta Diet
Author: David Start
Date: 13 Feb 2005 10:48 AM
New to me....



THE PASTA DIET
IT REALLY WORKS !!

1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

Also,
CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical
studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans. !
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and
fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you

[Atrocities]

Enough with the beam forums crap! Good God man what are tyring to do, draw away our membership?

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Nope. But if you guys go to the Baen forums, you'll probably buy Baen books. And if you buy Baen books, David Weber, Eric Flint and Ryk Spoor just might write even more Baen books.

So it's just an evil plot to get more books to read. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif Either that, or I just wanted to share the funny.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

http://www.ucomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1994/02/07/

[Atrocities]

Taera said:
There are lotsa jokes all around the place... the Nonsense Thread, the Advise thread... why dont we get a sticky thread where they all go? i think it would be a great collection to have along the Newbie FAQ, Modlist etc &lt;img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /&gt;

&lt;small&gt;[ July 22, 2003, 09:46: Message edited by: Taera ]&lt;/small&gt;



There are links to various humor lists in the New Members Please Look Here sticky thread under SEIV Humor.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness." --Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, Paul Clifford (1830) (http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/)
What more need I say? Pretty much an official 'fan' page for bad writing.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Ssssssswoooooooorrrrrdsssssss... http://www.weaponmasters.com/index/

[Wardad]

Subject: Dead Duck



A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead" he replied.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$300!" she cried. "$300 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the billwould have been $40. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

[narf poit chez BOOM]

/me beats Wardog about the head and shoulders with a rubber duck.

[rdouglass]

Stuff you learn from your mother:

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the shops with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all those sprouts have gone."

My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that
way."

My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your jumper on; do you think I don't know when you are cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favourite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[rdouglass]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all,
the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give
up.

Where's the f*****g ship?"

[NullAshton]

Hehe...

[Smolf]

Don't know if this one has been posted... Nodwick comic updated weekly

http://archive.gamespy.com/comics/nodwick/gamespyarchive/newnodwick.html

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Warning: The following humor may not be suitable for those with weak stomachs.


Subject: EMS Chips
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 15 Mar 2005 02:32 PM
EMS Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MEMO TO ALL EMS PERSONNEL
To: All EMS Personnel
From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS
narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective
immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and
abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH
(messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or
HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

2) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use
CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go
boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly,
descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like
"negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration
syndrome."

4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."

5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not
considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

7) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal
intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."

8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws
up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD
(circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing
records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our
pati ents to include their medical orientations in creating proper
narratives and log entries.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

LOL Douglas and Narf, that really rocks.

Thinnest Books in the World:

A Female's Guide To Logical Thinking
A Guide To Australian Etiquette
A Millenium Of German Humor
Anagrams Of The Word "A"
Bedouin Olympic Swimmers
'Behave Yourself' by David Letterman
Blacks I Met While Rowing
Blind Dates That Worked Out
Burger King Items That Start With "Mc"
Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
Countries Where Socialism Is Successful
Detroit - A Travel Guide
Different Ways To Spell "Bob"
Ethiopian Tips On World Dominance
Everything Men Know About Women
Favorite Foreign Emigration Destinations Of The French
Feminists Worth Marrying
French Hospitality
French, 16 Year Old, Non-Smoking Virgins
Fun With Unix
George Bush: 'The Wild Years'
Good English Cooking
Good Norwegian Jokes
Household Uses For Plutonium
'How To Be A Successful Politician' by Jesse Jackson
Italian War Heroes
Jewish Sports Legends
'Life As An Air Traffic Controller' by Ray Charles
Marcel Marceau's Greatest Speeches
Mike Tyson On Dating Etiquette
Mother Teresa's Guide To Erotic Pottery
'My Favorite Barbers' by Yassir Arafat
'My Life As A Woman' by Martina Navratilova
'My Life Without Michael' by LaToya Jackson
'My Thoughts' by Ronald Reagan
National Directory Of Irish AA Members
Olympic Athletes Who Think Sports Are Really Stupid
One-Legged Folk Dances
'On Human Rights' by Fidel Castro
Party Tricks With Boiling Lead
Proud Parents Of Rock Musicians
Public Political Activities During Franco's Government In Spain
Romantic Words Beginning With "X"
Satan's Love Letters
Scottish World Cup Successes
Sign Language For The Blind
Successful Applications Of Artificial Intelligence
Sylverster Stallone's Dramatic Acting Tips
The Genius Of Barry Manilow
'The Road To Lasting Economic Succes' by Boris Yeltsin
The Total Vocabulary Of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Things That Look Like An Apple, Taste Like An Apple, But Are Not An Apple
Things That Taste Better With Arsenic
Things You Could Buy At The World Artichoke Festival
Venezuelans Who Know Spelling
Vice Presidents With Really Good Ideas
'Why People Are More Important Than Animals' by Greenpeace
Young, Single Males Speak Out Against Masturbation

[Randallw]

Thinnest Books in the World:


A Guide To Australian Etiquette




and I bet you don't know we make some quite exquisite wines, you B!%^&amp;#D. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Hey I didn't make the list! I LIKE Australia!

[Randallw]

the title pertaining to Arnold Shwarzenegger should be deemed eroneous as he surely has a perfect vocabulary in German. It would only be his expertise in english that could be put in dispute.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

AGAIN I did NOT create this list..... Geez man! It's just a joke!

[Randallw]

Fair enough. We Australians may have no manners but we can get a joke http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Oi, I dinn' say Awstrayleeins dinn' have manners..... I LOYKE Awstraylia, mate!

[narf poit chez BOOM]

http://www.kingfeatures.com/features/comics/mallard/about.htm

Comic for March 1st.

[Smolf]

Two guys met in heaven
- I froze to death. How did you die?
- From relief
- How could you die from relief?
- Well, I had a suspicion that my wife where seeing someone else so one day I went home early from work to find out. I looked in the closets, the kitchen, the bedroom, under the bed but there were nobody. I was so relieved that I died from a heartattack.
- Jerk... Had you just looked in the freezer we would both have been alive today http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

[Smolf]

How do you know if you are really fat?
- You are at the beach and can hear the whales singing "We are family"

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Q: Why didn't the cat eat the chicken?
A: Because it tasted fowl!

Q: Why did the duck cross the road?
A: Because it wasn't chicken!

Brought to you by a bored Narf.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Another way to know you're really, really fat.....

You're sunbathing at the beach and a Greenpeace team is trying to push you back into the water.

[Smolf]

Strategia_In_Ultima said:
Another way to know you're really, really fat.....

You're sunbathing at the beach and a Greenpeace team is trying to push you back into the water.



While screaming: "Save the whale".

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Erm yes..... that's the point of the joke. They push you into the sea because you look like a stranded whale.

How do you know you're EVEN fatter?

If the US launches airstrikes against you to prevent you from standing up, falling over and causing the entire Atlantic to gush over the US and into the Pacific. (if you're in Europe)

[Fyron]

Why has this thread devolved to fat jokes? What's next, yo' momma jokes? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif Wardad, save us all!

[Smolf]

Joint_Chief_SI_Ultima said:
Erm yes..... that's the point of the joke. They push you into the sea because you look like a stranded whale.



I know that's the point... I was just adding a comment to it

[Puke]

Randallw said:


Thinnest Books in the World:

A Guide To Australian Etiquette




and I bet you don't know we make some quite exquisite wines, you B!%^&amp;#D. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif



Hey, the Austria-Hungarian empire was well on the way to establishing a lasting Middle Eastern peace, before the Russians decided to step in on behalf of Serbia.

Archduke Ferdinand was truely a great diplomat.

I have not been reading this thread, so this one may have been spent already:

A captain walks into a bar, with a ships wheel hanging from his belt. Barkeep says, "Hey man, did you know you have a ship's wheel about your waist?!"

The captain answers: "Aye, and its driving me nuts!"

[Alneyan]

They were speaking of Australia however, and not Austria. It is so confusing to have so similar countries; truly, Australians could have chosen a better name when they built their island in the Pacific. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif

Alneyan, French *and* non-smoking *and* virgin. Honest!

[Gandalph]

Just got this one in an email from a friend, thought it woulld be worth a post.

Wrong Email
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a deadfaint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here

[Puke]

Alneyan said:
They were speaking of Australia however, and not Austria.



oh, i misread then. verily, australians have no etequitte. and americans cant spell. dont smoke, eh? i supose that next you will tell me you have no fondness for Jerry Lewis.

*ahem*

A man walks into the doctors office, proclaiming "doctor! doctor! you must help me! i have five penises!"

The doctor looks astonished and asks, "my god, man! how do your pants fit?"

Man answers: "Like a glove!"

[rdouglass]

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I have used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started to become a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out by using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of Liquid Tide With Bleach Alternative. To my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well that the detectives came by yesterday and told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative. Then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. It was quite a relief!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go.

I have to write a letter to the Hefty Bag people too!

Signed,

A Relieved Menopausal Wife

[Puke]

A young monk goes to his zen master and asks:

"Teacher, what is your favorite kind of ice cream?"

the master answers:

"Koan."



http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

[TerranC]

Puke said:
A young monk goes to his zen master and asks:

"Teacher, what is your favorite kind of ice cream?"

the master answers:

"Koan."



Me no gets joke.

[Randallw]

Well a quick Google tells me a Koan is the type of story that that is ie. puzzling. It is a joke that Zen stories make no sense (unless I guess you are enlightened http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/confused.gif)

[Puke]

and it rhymes with "cone" which is the hollow conical cookie thing that you put scoops of ice cream on.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Randallw said:
Well a quick Google tells me a Koan is the type of story that that is ie. puzzling. It is a joke that Zen stories make no sense (unless I guess you are enlightened http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/confused.gif)



Where "Enlightened" is that you walk around carrying lots and lots of light bulbs with you? or am I missing something here?

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Speaks for itself, I think: http://archive.gamespy.com/comics/dorktower/archive.asp?nextform=viewcomic&amp;id=996

[Alneyan]

The players mentioned in that cartoon sure are silly. If you have the muscle and the wits to pull that sort of scheme off, it would be so much better to enslave the whole world rather than destroy it. I mean, why destroy your future playthings?

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Um...I don't think they have wits or muscle...Just the brute, destructive force of stupidity...

[Kamog]

You cannot take over the world in Call of Cthulhu. Even when you win, you don't win, you only delay the inevitable. There are only two possible ways your character will end up: (1) dead, or (2) permanently and completely insane. With a lot of work and some luck you can gain all sorts of powerful magic and mystical knowledge, but you go insane in the process. Once you lose too much SAN, your character is lost.

Call of Cthulhu is an unusual game in that it really doesn't pay to make a strong fighter-type character. You can be the toughest guy in the world and have tons of heavy weapons, and it's completely useless. The monsters and aliens are about a billion times more powerful and more intelligent than humans, and many of them cannot be hurt by physical means. Humans are only sane because they don't know the truth. It'a a rather hopeless situation you are in in that game.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Yes. That's not the funny part. The funny part is that they blew up the world in a game called 'bunnies and burrows'.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

.....and who is this "Cthulhu" persona anyway?

[Randallw]

I'm going to assume you're being serious. Excuse me that my Elder knowledge isn't complete. Cthulhu (pronounced shoo-thool-hu by the way) is one of the Elder Gods along with The Goat of a thousand young and that which man was not meant to know. basically something like 5 Billion years ago a race of ancient aliens colonised the Earth. When I say aliens I don't mean greys or anthromorphic creatures. Think something like 100 tentacles and even more eyes. I'm not sure, but Cthulhu is about 1 kilometer high (then again I might be wrong) and I once read of a game session where someone tried to attack it the reponse being "What, are you kidding. It's Cthulhu. He doesn't even have a hit point score", as it would be impossible to harm him. The writer (whose name I cannot at this time recall) must have been insane and continually on mind altering drugs, or at least thats what it appears like.

Edit: doh!. Why the heck am I showing my lack of knowledge by trying unsuccesfully to explain when I can link to info

http://www.cthulhu.org/cthulhu/

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Thank you Randallw. I had heard of Cthulhu before, but I didn't know what exactly it/he was. Thank you for enlightening me.

[Alneyan]

The writer would be H.P. Lovecraft, in the early 20th century (between 1920 and 1930 for the Mythos of Cthulhu). Other than that, he just had quite an imagination... or was just very well informed.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Or perhaps Lovevraft was the person that invented psychotropic hallucination drugs.....

[Puke]

actually, in the original story, someone escaped cthulhu by ramming him with a ship and 'popping' him.

naturally, he reformed and returned to Ry'leth. but the captain of the boat got away... only to be killed later by a falling stack of papers.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

That sucks. That REALLY sucks.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

The atmosphere around the offices of Shrapnel Games has *ummm* changed now that Sarge is back full time. So much so that our office manager circulated a memo to the staff last week. Thought I’d share it with you.

“Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative “Try Saying” phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible
INSTEAD OF: No f___way!!!

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f______ problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won’t work.

10) TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f____ didn’t you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I’m on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a pr_ck.”

It will be quite interesting to see if these suggestions are taken seriously. I can’t imagine some (okay one in particular) of my co-workers calling “Delayed Again” Brooks “somewhat insensitive” in place of the usual phrase!

Happy Monday!




something I found in the Blog.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

http://www.geocities.com/SiliconValley/Haven/4173/neko.html

Kitty for your desktop, to chase your mouse around, run around, run from your mouse...fun stuff! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Awww that's just too cute.....

[El_Phil]

narf poit chez BOOM said:
http://www.geocities.com/SiliconValley/Haven/4173/neko.html

Kitty for your desktop, to chase your mouse around, run around, run from your mouse...fun stuff! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif



Jesus that's scary. Talk about a blast from the past I remember using one of those for Win 3.1 which is in itself frightening. Opened the webpage and suddenly mentally jumped back over a decade.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/shock.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/eek.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/eek.gif

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Scary why? It's a little cat thing that runs around your desktop, what is there to be afraid about?