Jokes and Riddles Centre [Archive] - Page 5

narf poit chez BOOM

April 14th, 2005, 08:38 PM

Subject: I don't know who the next pope will be...
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 14 Apr 2005 08:44 AM

"I don't know who the next pope will be, but I know there is one particularly qualified and distinguished man who will not be selected.

Bishop Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in the Hague. As a young man, he aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the army during WWII. He spent two years flying aboard B17s as a co-pilot until, in 1943, his aircraft was shot down and he lost his left arm.

Still enscripted, Hans spent the remainder of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual advice and last rights to dying soldiers, allied and enemy. He was renowned for his ecumenical tenderness and compassion.

After the war, Grapje became a priest and served as a missionary throughout Africa. In spite of his handicap, he was noted for piloting his own bush plane into the deepest, most primitive villages to spread the church's message and charity to the impoverished.

In 1997, then Archbishop Grapje was serving at an outpost in Zimbabwe, when an explosion in one of the country's vast silver mines caused a catastrophic cave-in. The archbishop, in spite of his seniority, went down into several of the shafts to administer last rights to those who would never escape. He was in one of these shafts when it partially caved in, trapping him and several rescuers.

Although he was rescued three days later, he suffered several painful injuries, including one that cost him his right eye. Additionally, the silver content in the shaft's air supply had poisoned him, causing his skin to take an indigo hue - a condition known as purpura - that persists to this day.

Although the Cardinal has devoted, and indeed risked, his life in the service of God for nearly 70 years, as a scholar, a mentor, and the epitome of a holy man, church politics preclude his ascension to the Papacy.

Church leaders have made it clear they don't want a one-eyed, one armed, flying, purple, Papal leader."

*Wonders how many people will get it*

Subject: The Pun Reference Library Continued
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 14 Apr 2005 08:39 AM
The Pun Reference Library Continued

Some Like it Sweet: Sugar Kane
Fred Can Philosophize!: Immanuel Kant
Oh What A Relief It Is: Al Kaseltzer
My Life With Annette: Amos Kateer
New Mexico Tour Book: Albie Kerky
I Was A Son Of A Buccaneer: Rich Kidd
The Palace Roof has a Hole: Lee King
Lawn Care: Ray King
Exercise on Wheels: Cy Kling
I Hate the Sun: Gladys Knight
Teach Me!: I. Wanda Know
Who Killed Cock Robin?: Howard I. Know
Better Mental Health: Cy Kosis
Breaking the Law: Kermit A. Krime
Jewish Holidays: Hannah Kuhh
If I Invited Him...: Woody Kum
NHL Hockey: Stanley Kupp
Those Funny Dogs: Joe Kur
I Like Weeding Gardens: Manuel Labour
How to Overcome Stress: R.E. Lachs
Care For A Chop?: Marsha Larts
Fallen Underwear: Lucy Lastic
Military Rule: Marshall Law
Cut the Grass!: Moses Lawn
Manana: Stew Layt
To be Honest: Frank Lee
The Lady Pirate: Peg Legg
Pain in My Body: Otis Leghurts
The Phillipine Post Office: Imelda Letter
Pentagon Press Release: Colonel O'Truth and Lotta Lies
Theft Among Arthropods: The Lieutenants
Not a Guitar!: Amanda Lin
Holmes Does It Again: Scott Linyard
Bring to the Grocer's: R. List
Classic Groceries: Chopin Liszt
Joys of Cowardice: Lily Livard
The Effects of Alcohol: Sir Osis of Liver
Employment Handbook: Ernie Living
How to Break In: Jimmy De Lock

Subject: Exercise for seniors
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 13 Apr 2005 09:19 AM
Exercise for seniors

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to
build musclestrength in the arms and shoulders. It seems
so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger
friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have
plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms
straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long
as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for
just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.

Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to
where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand
and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in
each of the sacks; but be careful.

Fyron

April 14th, 2005, 08:56 PM

narf poit chez BOOM said:
*Wonders how many people will get it*

That was such a terrible song... ugh. Thanks Narf.

narf poit chez BOOM

April 14th, 2005, 10:50 PM

Your welcome. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif Oh by the way, I edited it and added two more, which you may not have read.

Joachim

April 15th, 2005, 12:35 AM

Randallw said:
hey Strategia do you realise your reply is a phrase which is the subject of much joking itself. Maybe you are secretly Australian http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif. Ok since you insist I'll explain.

First off Kiwis bear a grudge against us for a cricket match we had against them once. As a result a friend of mine, while visiting, New Zealand, saw graffiti on a wall saying "Australia sux". An Australian clearly came along because he wrote underneath "New Zealand Nil". The joke is that the New Zealand accent pronounces "I" as "u" (at least to Australian accents). 6 to 0.

There are a plethora of Australian jokes directed at Kiwis, most notably insinuations about the amount of sheep there are in New Zealand compared to the human population. I apologise for posting such obscure humour, but I couldn't help it if we were placing jokes concerning puns on sucks.

Nothing obscure about our humour! There are enough Aussies on the list.

narf poit chez BOOM

April 15th, 2005, 01:01 AM

Aussies are always obscure. I beleive I cross-posted a rather good post on that a while ago... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

Parasite

April 15th, 2005, 12:31 PM

Found this in Readers Digest, credited to Donald Picton. Part of the fun is how much it applies.

I'm a young guy who hates to cook. She is a beautiful waitress who serves food. Of course I was in love. But even though I frequently ordered out from her restaurant, I figured she didn't know I existed. Then one day, after placing an order, I asked if she needed my name. "Nah," she said. "I remember you from before." Well, now I was on cloud nine, but I quickly fell back to earth when I got my food. Inside the bag was the sales slip. On it she had written, "Cheeseburger, Med. Well - Fries - Lg. Coke - For the nerdy guy with the bad haircut."

Joachim said:
Nothing obscure about our humour! There are enough Aussies on the list.

Aussies and Aussies at heart.

narf poit chez BOOM

April 15th, 2005, 09:36 PM

Today's Dork Tower is funny, #1013: http://archive.gamespy.com/comics/dorktower/

narf poit chez BOOM

April 16th, 2005, 11:05 PM

You gotta read this. I didn't even get a page into the story and I staggered out of the computer room and collapsed laughing on the couch.
http://www.bmsc.washington.edu/people/merritt/books/Eye_of_Argon.html

Small rodents scampered about, occupying themselves in the daily accomplishments of their dismal lives.

Crow: And these would be...?
Mike: "Dear Diary, Today I spent a couple hours nibbling at a corpse and then spread contagion around the tri-county area."

Strategia_In_Ultima

April 17th, 2005, 10:04 AM

OMFG I can't contain myself when reading that..... that's rare you know! LOL! (really)

narf poit chez BOOM

April 19th, 2005, 02:33 AM

FFN is good this week too: http://archive.gamespy.com/comics/nodwick/ffn/ffn.htm

Strategia_In_Ultima

April 19th, 2005, 05:04 AM

Narf, where did you get that sense of humour? You got me hooked on Nip and Tuck as well.....

(still from The Eye of Argon)

from overhead, half way through its daily revolution.

Crow: Daily revolution? So this Norgolia's near Bolivia, then?

Man, how does this guy/do these guys THINK of this?!? LOL!

Little joke of my own:

What does a gay Zen master say to his student?
"Patience, young Asshopper."

narf poit chez BOOM

April 19th, 2005, 06:00 AM

I understand it's based off of a show called 'MST3K', which did the same thing for movies. Unfortunatly, I've never seen it and I've heard it's been cancelled.

Well, I decided that maturity is good - But I see no reason I have to be boring, just cause I'm not a kid anymore. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

Starhawk

April 19th, 2005, 06:26 AM

MST3K mystery Science Theatre 3000 it's freakin hilarious especially with such great titles as:

PRIIIINCE OF SPAAAACE
Space Mutiny!
Werewolf Rampage
Blue Submarine
And many more!

Get the DVDs, it's a hilarious show that had me in stitches on more then one occasion or as Jim Theis would say it.

"His ovals leaked a clear liquid as Grgnr's ribs shook with merthyness and stuff as he rocked back adn fort at the bad gramma', lam plot twts and peekaboo nudity."

I know how he named Grgnr though....you know that noise you make when you almost choke on a burrito? you know "GRGNR COUGH COUGH ahack ahack!" yeah.....he could have at least described the sex in great detail the way he was describing everything as foot long it could have been funny.

BTW did he realize that a foot long sword is actually about a fifth the sive of a proper blade? awww well I guess they like their wenches hot (LOL), their wine cheap and potent and their swords very short so that no one realizes they are over compensating for weee little ahem ^spears^.

(note: for the first time in my life all spelling errors/gramatical flaws are meant to be there http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif.)

Strategia_In_Ultima

April 19th, 2005, 07:57 AM

Or, as Jim Theis would say it,.....

"Grignr's big oval atop his meaty neck twisted and turned from the inside, trying to correct the obvious errors in grammar, spelling, yadda yadda, while the other part of his oval persuaded the first half to stop trying to correct for the mistakes, errors and misinterpretations as they were meant from the start, from the very beginning, from the cradle of time itself, to have been there, ever-present in his verbal textual output."

Strategia_In_Ultima

April 20th, 2005, 06:07 AM

Have any of you read the latest "Nip and Tuck" (nipandtuck.keenspace.com)? "Quick, like, what's the number for 911?" LOL

El_Phil

April 20th, 2005, 06:17 AM

That line 'Worst story award' brung back a horrible flashback from a different board. Someone started a thread trying to find the worst fanfic, some truly awful stuff came up and was so bad it was funny.

Then a truly warped horror came up. A TA story than would be certificate 18, but not for violence.....

Strategia_In_Ultima

April 20th, 2005, 06:29 AM

some truly awful stuff came up and was so bad it was funny.

Where is this other, non-SE forum you speak of?

El_Phil

April 20th, 2005, 07:02 AM

http://forum.spacebattles.com/

If I called it variable in quality that would be an understatement. Also some people who really, really should get out more. I haven't posted there for months as things there can be a bit repetitive as every new member tends to rehash the same arguments, which some of the old lags re-ignite and never, ever reach a conclusion on.

Strategia_In_Ultima

April 20th, 2005, 08:09 AM

Currently looking in the "stories" section. What would you recommend/warn me of?

El_Phil

April 20th, 2005, 08:27 AM

Thin Veneer is good, but I'd recommened reading it on http://www.fanfiction.net/~albertg

But seriously avoid any of the "worst fanfic" threads, there like a minefield in Miss World contest. Great fun most of the time, until with one wrong move it all goes horribly wrong.

As for the rest, if you want to see people carefully watching films/TV shows to work out theoretical weapon yields then VS debates is worth a look. It is seriously worrying, yeah I like sci-fi and having stupid discussions. But then I also like going to the pub and going out on the cop, something this lot seemingly don't have time for.

Having said that this still makes me laugh:
http://forum.spacebattles.com/showthread.php?t=44822

It was also where I was first introduced to this gem:
http://ocean.otr.usm.edu/~nglenn/kirkfu.html

Strategia_In_Ultima

April 20th, 2005, 09:12 AM

Vader vs. Kirk..... LOL!

Starhawk

April 20th, 2005, 01:16 PM

Kirk I am your.....next lay you see I am really a girl because they had to give you a girl to bonk just like every other time in every other episode of star trek TOS....(darth vader breathing mask)
Darth vader promptly starts to do a sexy little striptease and Kirk lowers his phaser so he can unzip the trousers as darthy girl approaches.....suddenly lightsaber noise, and kirk's head goes flying across the room.

"Haha haha gotcha I'm really a dude." (darth vader voice off)

AngleWyrm

April 21st, 2005, 12:28 AM

The original Point and Click interface was a Smith and Wessen.

narf poit chez BOOM

April 21st, 2005, 01:30 AM

Unfortunatly, it had a horribly limited interface.

narf poit chez BOOM

April 21st, 2005, 03:18 AM

Still 5.8 billion years to complete...

...So much for my plan to do 64-stack Towers of Hanoi on my computer... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

...That's assuming 100 moves a second, assuming a fast-drawn interface. On the other hand...My computer can do nearly 8,000,000 additions a second if not printing to the screen...

18,446,744,073,709,551,616 / 8,000,000 = 2,305,843,009,213.693,952

2,305,843,009,213.693,952 / 60 = 38,430,716,820.228,232,53~

38,430,716,820.228,232,53~ / 60 = 640,511,947.003,803,875~

640,511,947.003,803,875~ / 24 = 26,687,997.791,825,161,(481~)

26,687,997.791,825,161,(481~) / 365.25 = 1,111,999.907,992,715,061,728,395,061,728,4 years (Approx.), according to my calculator.

Oh well...

TurinTurambar

April 21st, 2005, 11:55 AM

Narf... your "geekiness" knows no bounds. You have been assimilated. I don't think you even resisted.

~T

Strategia_In_Ultima

April 21st, 2005, 02:36 PM

The whole galaxy trembles before the newest and greatest threat it has ever known..... The Borg are unstoppable now with their.....

assimilated white mouse. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

David E. Gervais

April 21st, 2005, 03:03 PM

If you assimilated Narf, now you'll have to worry about his unstopable 'individuality'. He will eventually revert your collective from the inside out. All the shields and armor can't help you now, he's INSIDE!

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

Strategia_In_Ultima

April 21st, 2005, 03:11 PM

Hey! Do I LOOK like the Borg Queen?!? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif

David E. Gervais

April 21st, 2005, 05:22 PM

Strategia_In_Ultima said:
Hey! Do I LOOK like the Borg Queen?!? http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif

God, my brain flooded with quick replies to this.. starting with a simple 'Yes!' to 'No, but you type like her!',. 'No, but you smell like her!',. 'No, but your corticle node is a clone of hers!',.. Danger Overflow in progress..

.. Post terminated due to brain implosion.

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

narf poit chez BOOM

April 21st, 2005, 07:29 PM

...A cube, floating in space. Coloured a dark green, with no visible hull, conduits and various protrusions are open to space. Zooming in, we see a weirdly-lit, large room, in which a large number of borg are standing in a circle. In the middle of the circle is a small borg-mouse on it's hind legs. Hesitently, one of the borg in the circle rotates one of it's leg forward, then moves it back. It then repeats this procedure with the other leg. After doing this, it revolves it's body 360 degrees.

Soon, all the borg in the circle are moving their limbs into the circle and out of the circle, after which they spin.

Starhawk

April 21st, 2005, 09:28 PM

LOL ahaha http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

Gandalf Parker

April 22nd, 2005, 05:13 PM

OK its written as "my own game" but I think it could be re-written as "my own module" and TOTALLY fit here.

http://www.gamespy.com/articles/606/606686p1.html

Gandalf Parker

Strategia_In_Ultima

April 23rd, 2005, 07:35 AM

Gandalf.....

http://www.shrapnelcommunity.com/threads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=350025&page=0&view=collap sed&sb=5&o=&fpart=1#Post350076

Wardad

April 26th, 2005, 01:15 AM

A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

"Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Cajun says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.

"Fair enough," says the boss "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Cajun stares into space for awhile, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "all right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.....So, when I start?!"

Renegade 13

April 26th, 2005, 01:44 AM

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100%?
If
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bull**** will put you over the top.

And look how far .........

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

will take you.

narf poit chez BOOM

April 27th, 2005, 06:36 PM

http://www.eykir.com/index.htm

http://www.collegehumor.com/?movie_id=138298 < Those guys (And gals) have earned their 'Ultimate Geek For Life' badges, I think. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

narf poit chez BOOM

May 4th, 2005, 08:23 PM

A chicken crossed the road.

It's not going to take that lying down.

---

Two ghosts walked into a bar.

Dead silence.

narf poit chez BOOM

May 7th, 2005, 10:19 PM

More quoting!

Subject: Hamlet's Cat's Soliloquy
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 May 2005 06:13 AM
Hamlet's Cat's Soliloquy

To go outside, and there perchance to stay
Or to remain within: that is the question:
Whether 'tis better for a cat to suffer
The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather
That Nature rains upon those who roam abroad,
Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,
And so by dozing melt the solid hours
That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time
And stall the dinner bell.
To sit, to stare outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state
A wish to venture forth without delay,
Then when the portal's opened up, to stand
As if transfixed by doubt.
To prowl; to sleep;
To choose not knowing when we may once more
Our readmittance gain: aye, there's the hairball;
For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob,
Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,
And going out and coming in were made
As simple as the breaking of a bowl,
What cat would bear the household's petty plagues,
The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom,
The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears,
The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks
That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,
He might his exodus or entrance make
With a mere mitten?
Who would spaniels fear,
Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard,
But that the dread of our unheeded cries
And scratches at a barricaded door
No claw can opn up, dispels our nerve
And makes us rather bear our humans' faults
Than run away to unguessed miseries?
Thus cautious doth make house cats of us all;
And thus the bristling hair of resolution
Is softened up with the pale brush of thought,
And since our choices hinge on weighty things,
We pause upon the threshold of decision.

~Shakespaw (from Stan Kegal)

Starhawk

May 7th, 2005, 11:02 PM

A true story:

I was working at Wendys for 4 months before I quit because the whole situation sucked, however there is one moment I remember very fondly (actually a few but I can't mention the others lol):

It was a monday afternoon and I had just finished with the lunch rush and had a pounding headache from dealing with an irate family that always came in and always had something to complain about, well a woman and a man walked in with a dog that was wearing a "service dog" vest and since it was blue I knew it was a dog in training.
Well anyway I take their order and make a little small talk about the dog (a yellow lab puppy about a year old) and this man walks in and sees the man with the dog and says rather rudely
"Hey Man you ain't s'posed to have dogs in here can't you read the signs."
The man ignores him and walks to the bathroom with the dog, well I am still talking a little bit to the woman as we wait for her food to get done and this man walks up to me and goes.
"Hey I thought you people didn't allow pets in here what's the deal?"

I looked at him-a little baffled because I thought everyone knew that the vests of different colors meant different types of service dogs- well I lean over to the woman and say in a tone loud enough for him to hear "Ma'am she is a working dog right?" the woman nods and goes says yes very politely.
I looked at the gentlement and said
"Sir she's a working dog they're allowed in restaraunts and stores"
The man streightens his back and looks down at me with a cocky grin (did I mention he was really freakin tall?) and says in one of those "I'm smarter then you" tones
"Man that's bullsh%t that dog don't work here."

narf poit chez BOOM

May 9th, 2005, 01:01 PM

Funny, in a sad, sad, way.

Randallw

May 9th, 2005, 10:25 PM

2 brothers from an un-determined country arrive at Immigration. The official tells them that they have to answer a few questions one of which is what line of work they are in.
"Pilot" says Brother number 1.
"Peat cutter" says brother number 2.
"congratulations" the official says to brother number 1 "We are glad to accept you into our country. Then the official turns to brother number 2 "I'm sorry but we can't accept you.
"Why not?" asks brother number 2 "You took my brother"
"Yes" explains the official "but you see we desperately need new pilots, whereas there is no demand for peat cutters"
"But if I don't cut it he can't pilot" http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

narf poit chez BOOM

May 10th, 2005, 12:47 AM

What do they have against Peat Cutters? He's a nice guy.

Strategia_In_Ultima

May 10th, 2005, 03:47 AM

Ok, so I know what peat is but why does the other guy need peat to pilot something?

douglas

May 10th, 2005, 03:50 AM

"pilot" -> "pile it"

Randallw

May 10th, 2005, 03:53 AM

damn, sorry. Should have corrected the spelling at the end. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

dmm

May 10th, 2005, 05:50 PM

Man runs into doctor's office: Doctor, doctor, please help me! My wife thinks she's a car!
Doctor: OK, give me a few minutes, and I'll see what I can do for her.
At that, the man starts running for the door, and the doctor says: Hey, where are you going?
Man: Oh, I can't just leave her out there. She's double-parked.

Starhawk

May 10th, 2005, 08:01 PM

Could have been worse it could have been the one about the what you call two Phillipino pilots (A Pair of plyers)

Randallw

May 15th, 2005, 10:00 AM

If you wanted to know how Greeting cards are made (or even if you couldn't care less http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif)

http://www.chrisharding.net/animation/shoebox/playmovie.html

Captain Kwok

May 15th, 2005, 10:16 AM

I like that one Randall. Funny stuff.

Randallw

May 17th, 2005, 08:45 AM

Ok it's not a joke and it's not a riddle but it is a puzzle (kinda). I will admit it's the opposite of funny.

http://artscool.cfa.cmu.edu/~lee/deanimator.html

2 tips.
1. It only takes 1 bullet if the Zombie is still emerging.
2. I managed to get 130 by resorting to rapid fire when they are bunched up.

Edit: just discovered you can change to a shotgun by pressing shift. Warning though, they get halfway across in the time it takes to reload the shotgun.

Suicide Junkie

May 17th, 2005, 12:00 PM

I got 233.

The trick to the shotgun is to use it for emergencies, and then just before the round ends, blast it all away and start the reload.
The pistol auto-reloads for the next round, but the shotgun has to be emptied first.

Emptying the pistol into the air so you can reload is also useful when there are no zombies on the screen yet.

Also, if you just shoot in their general direction, you'll only hit sometimes.
If you click right on them, you'll hit for sure.

narf poit chez BOOM

May 18th, 2005, 12:38 AM

I'm qouting.

Subject: FINAL EXAM HYMN
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 17 May 2005 06:47 PM
Originally Posted: 17 May 2005 06:46 PM
*FINAL EXAM HYMN*
(sung to The Battle Hymn Of The Republic)

Mine eyes have seen the horror
Of the ending of the term.
It has poisoned all my spirits
Like an apple with a worm.
It's infected all my freedom
Like an ugly cancer germ.
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

I have listened to the teachers
But the homework leaves me cold.
I have never done assignments
Although many times been told.
I have even missed my classes
When I was feeling bold.
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure, and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

They are adding all my points up
And I haven't earned but few,
In fact, I haven't even gotten
More than one or two.
Oh, if I could only find an answer
Anything to do.
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

On the lines of every gradebook
There is solemn news for me.
The worst is yet to come when
Financial Aid ignores my plea.
So I guess the only answer is
To drop my books and flee.
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

Well, the end has finally come
And I have failed to pass a class.
Though the fun and laughter, goofing off
Was really quite a gas!
But I won't be in the numbers
Of the capped and gowned mass;
The truth was finally shown.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure, and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth was finally known!

Subject: Ain't it the truth.....
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 17 May 2005 06:21 PM
Originally Posted: 17 May 2005 06:20 PM
Ain't it the truth.....

If you consider that there have been an average
of 160,000 troops in the Iraqi theater during the
last 22 months, that gives a firearm death ratio
of 60 per 100,000.

The firearm death ratio in DC is 80.6 per 100,000.
That means that you are more likely to be shot
and killed in our Nation's Capitol, which has
some of the strictest gun control laws in the
nation, than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion:
We should immediately pull out of ...
WASHINGTON, DC!

For cat people.

Subject: PC: Personal Cat Specifications
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 17 May 2005 05:35 PM
Originally Posted: 17 May 2005 05:34 PM
PC: Personal Cat Specifications

Standard input:
1. Bilateral frontal whisker array
2. Bilateral adjustable audio dishes (range 20-20,000Hz)
3. Stereoscopic scanning device, with night vision
4. Velcro(tm) flavor sampling device/energy collector
5. Twin front-mounted odor sampling devices

Standard output:
1. Internally mounted purrbox
2. Single speaker with separate growl mode
3. Rear-mounted, fully-jointed semaphore device

Processor:
1. Parallel neuron array with Random Access Memory
2. Autonomic control of system software

Included Hardware:
1. Calcium-based skeletal structure
2. Byte-to-bit conversion array
3. Retractable document shredder/hole punch
4. Pawpad printer
5. Mouse (standard catnip)
Also included: natural fiber protective covering in various colors

System Software:
Your PC will come preloaded with one of the following:
* DOS (domestic shorthair)
* OS (other shorthair)
* MS (megasoft, installed in units with fuzzy covering)
- Conversion to EUNUCHS can be done by a simple operation. This is
recommended to prevent the proliferation of cheap PC clones.
- Bundled software may include the following: Mortal Kombat, Acrobat,
Explorer, and Stuffit Expander.
- Your PC will automatically convert from laptop to desktop as needed.
- There are no user-serviceable parts inside.

Operating Your PC
- To start up your PC, push the power button (on any electric can opener).
- Your PC has an energy-saving mode known as Sleep. Your PC will -
Sleep automatically if unused for a short period of time, or you may
invoke the Sleep mode by placing your PC in a soft, warm area.
- To wake your PC From Sleep, press the power button as in Start,
shake the mouse, or tap any of the PC's input devices (see specs).

To perform a Warm Boot:
Remove your shoe, then tap the PC gently with your toes.

To perform a Cold Boot:
Same technique as for Warm Boot, but leave your shoe on.

To Reboot:
Repeat the Warm Boot.

Cleaning your PC:
Use only mild soap and water, no solvents. Surface wash only.
Total immersion is not recommended. If partial immersion is
necessary, wear proper hand and face protection and make sure your PC
is fully dry when finished.

Compatibility and Networking:
Your PC is designed to independently assess compatibility with other
PCs. Running EUNUCHS will generally give your PC greater
compatibility with other PCs. It may be necessary to install a
firewall between incompatible PCs as each may attempt to breach the
other's security systems. Compatible PCs may share thermal energy and
cleaning tasks and may network for gaming purposes. Please note that
your PC will be incompatible with units of type BIRD and FISH, unless
appropriate security measures (such as a firewall) are installed.
Your PC may tolerate one or more DOG units provided they occupy a
subordinate position within the hierarchical structure.

Power Requirements:
- Alternating supply of canned cat food and dry cat food.
- Direct supply of water.
- Direct access to solar and thermal energy sources.

Troubleshooting:
-PC has difficulty exiting: Perform a Warm Boot.
- PC shares files from dinner/table/plates without permission: Boot
your PC prior to running food-related software.
- PC hangs up phone during connection to ISP: Try invoking sleep mode
Prior to connecting to ISP; otherwise, perform a Warm Boot.
- PC is frozen: PC is probably scanning for small life forms; reboot
until it responds.
- Deleted material not going to trash or recycling bin: reprogram
preferences in PC sys/litter_box/deposit/target.aim

Wardad

May 20th, 2005, 12:53 AM

Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?

*
*
*
*
*
*
*

BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK !!!

narf poit chez BOOM

May 20th, 2005, 01:06 AM

You and that guy I keep qouting should have a chat sometime.

narf poit chez BOOM

May 20th, 2005, 03:16 AM

Subject: *A CRAZY LANGUAGE*
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 18 May 2005 07:47 AM
Originally Posted: 18 May 2005 07:46 AM
*A CRAZY LANGUAGE*
(Stan Kegal)

For those who Reed and Right..

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
But the plural of ox became oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and showed you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beech?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say other, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Let's face it! - English is a crazy language!

Aris_Sung

May 20th, 2005, 03:39 AM

What the Kamikaze instructor told his students:

"Watch carefully. I'm only going to do this once."

narf poit chez BOOM

June 16th, 2005, 04:21 AM

And here's the guy who needs no introduction (Because I've qouted him (Qouting websites) about a billion times).

Subject: Hurricane Season
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 16 Jun 2005 02:42 AM
Originally Posted: 16 Jun 2005 02:41 AM
Hurricane Season

You all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you
need a refresher course:

We have entered hurricane season. Right now, you can to turn on the
TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob down in the
Caribbean and making two basic meteorological points.

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida.. If
you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do
to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."

Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you
follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1:

Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2:

Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3:

Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately,
statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan.
Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately,
this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets
two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Wisconsin

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area
that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they
might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why
they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll
have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge
you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your
house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental
floss.

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the
doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and
disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they're cheap.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you
get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up,
your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says
so.
He lives in Nebraska . . .

Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check
your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio
furniture, visiting relatives, etc...

You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming
pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built
immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects
into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look
at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a
low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to
avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead,
you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your
home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus,
you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy
them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last
possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious
fights with strangers over who gets the last can of cat food. In
addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 flashlights - At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when
the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what
the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in
a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask
anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be
irate alligators.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you
can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws
near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation
by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain
slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how
vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: Its great living in Paradise.

Wardad

June 22nd, 2005, 10:15 PM

Subject: No Child Left Behind...update

"In response to President Bush's Federal "No Child Left Behind Act"(NCLB), it is proposed that students will have to pass a test to be promoted to the next grade level. The new test will be called the Federal Arithmetic and Reading Test (FART).

All students who cannot pass a FART in the second grade will be retested in grades 3, 4 and 5 until they are capable of passing a FART with a score of 80%.
If a student does not successfully FART by grade 5, that student shall be placed in a separate English program known as the Special Mastery Elective for Learning Language (SMELL).

If, with this increased SMELL program, the students cannot pass the required FART test, he or she can still graduate to middle school by taking another one semester course in Comprehensive Reading and Arithmetic Preparation (CRAP).

If, by the age of fourteen, the student cannot FART, SMELL or CRAP, he or she can earn promotion in an intensive one week seminar known as the Preparatory Reading for Unprepared Nationally Exempted Students (PRUNES).
It is the opinion of the Department of Instruction for Public Schools (DIPS) that an intensive week of PRUNES will enable any student to FART, SMELL or CRAP. This revised provision of the student component of the House Bill101 should help "clear the air" as part of the "No School Left Standing Act."

narf poit chez BOOM

June 25th, 2005, 03:31 AM

Just want to make sure I have this clear guys. I'm ok on everything up to the Wormhole, but let me make sure I understand whats happened after: I'm an Akashic Mage, who firmly believes himself to be a Jedi. I'm in a tie fighter, chasing Tremere whos in an X-Wing. We're about 500 yards above Ansalon, being chased by a magicaly enhanced red dragon, with a highly pissed off Raistlin on her back. His pissed because his tower just caught a stray proton torpedo. Oh, and most of Palanthas is a flaming ruin. And none of you see ANYTHING wrong with this?

Man, that game must have been either a hoot or a train wreck.

http://www.rpgsurvey.com/cgi-bin/survey/surveydb.cgi?action=results&surveyid=601

narf poit chez BOOM

August 24th, 2005, 11:29 PM

Subject: Garden Grass Snakes - DANGEROUS!
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 22 Aug 2005 11:48 PM
Originally Posted: 23 Aug 2005 12:50 AM

Garden Grass Snakes (also known as Garter Snakes.. Thamnophis
sirtalis) can be dangerous .... yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
Here's why...

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a
recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to
protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in
one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the
wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The
husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked
to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the
sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the butt.
He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on
the floor. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him
up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded
him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time
the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical
Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when
the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she
called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He
armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the
couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down
on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between
the cushions, where she! felt the snake wriggling around. She
screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the
neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, he tried to use CPR
to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from
shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's
mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of
canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where
it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor
lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he
had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small
bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now
the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the
whiskey, and assumed &! gt;that a drunken fight had occurred. They
were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it
all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his
sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the sofa. One of
the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and
hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The
table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it
started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through
the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled,
jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved
to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, the
burning drapes were see! n by the neighbors and they called the fire
department, and the arriving fire truck had started raising its
ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore
out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected
the telephones in a ten-square city block area but they did get the
house fire out.

Time passed.

Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired,
the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right
with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the
weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked
his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the
night.

That's when she shot him.

Subject: Christian Humor
Author: Deann Allen
Date: 22 Aug 2005 04:58 PM
Got this from my brother. Enjoy. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

D.
--
http://savageheart.blogspot.com/
---------------------------------------

Christian Humor

1. There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========

2. "Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========

3. A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========

4. There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
========

5. While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...

"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========

6. A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========

7. A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

" The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
========

8. People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========

9. A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
========

10. Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========

11. The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
________

Give me a sense of humor,
Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

* * * * * * * * *
Excellent Lesson

One day, a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The Teacher was teaching evolution to the children. The Teacher asked a little boy:

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yes

TEACHER: Go outside and see if you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see GOD?

TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see GOD because HE isn't there. HE just doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up wanting to ask the boy some questions. The Teacher agreed.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: TOMMY, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the sky?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the Teacher?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

TOMMY: No.

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today, she doesn't have one..........

II CORINTHIANS 5:7 "FOR WE WALK BY FAITH , NOT BY SIGHT"

narf poit chez BOOM

September 13th, 2005, 03:02 AM

Subject: Mary Poppins
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 10 Sep 2005 07:07 AM
Originally Posted: 10 Sep 2005 08:11 AM
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather,
she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached
the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.

Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.
"Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs,
please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up
to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came
down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional,
I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though
....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts
to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to
improve our service and would value your opinion,"
said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then
scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to
continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the
comment Mary had written.

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"

Wardad

September 19th, 2005, 11:25 AM

I don't care who you are, this is funny!

"Q: What's George Bush's position on Roe vs. Wade?

"A: He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans."

narf poit chez BOOM

September 22nd, 2005, 01:49 AM

I got this off a link off the Baen website. Not sure where it started. I've edited it here and there; if you don't like that I'm sure you can find an unedited copy.

This had me laughing the whole way through the first and second times I read it. Obviously inspired by 'The # things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the US army'

300 things Mr. Welch can no longer do during an RPG

1. Cannot base characters off the Who's drummer Keith Moon.
2. A one man band is not an appropriate bard instrument.
3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
4. My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not 'Southern' Montaigne.
5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills.
6. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.
7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.
8. How to serve Dragons is not a cookbook.
9. My monk's lips must be in sync.
10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can.
11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.
12. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I'm the sorcerer.
13. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are.
14. Ogres are not kosher.
15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
16. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory.
17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero.
18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first.
19. Drow are not good eating.
20. Polka is not appropriate marching music.
21. No longer allowed to recreate the Death Star Trench Run out of genre.
22. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy War Rhino.
23. Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away.
24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.
25. The green elf does not need food badly.
26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin.
27. I am not to shoot every corpse in the head to make sure they aren't a zombie in Twilight 2000.
28. - Edited
29. I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on back.
30. I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid.
31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.
32. I cannot buy any animal in groups of 100 or over.
33. There is no such skill as 'improvised cooking'
34. I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci.
35. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to play R2 units.
36. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to sit on the same side of the table.
37. They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents.
38. When investigating evil cultists not allowed to just torch the decrepid mansion from the outside.
39. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'can lick their eyebrows'
40. Gnomes do not have the racial ability to hold their breath for 10 minutes.
41. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'
42. Having a big nose adds nothing to my seduction check.
43. - Edited
44. Not allowed to spend all 100 character points on 100 1pt skills.
45. My character names are not allowed to be double entendres.
46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so.
47. They do not make Nair in wookie sizes.
48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure.
49. Not allowed to blow up the Death Star before that snotty farm kid gets his shot.
50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first.
51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.
52. My bard does not know how to play Inna Godda Davida on marachas.
53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.
54. - Edited
55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.
56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint.
57. In the middle of a black op I cannot ask a guard to validate parking.
58. Expended ammunition is not a business expense.
59. Not allowed to pose the Netrunner in embarrassing positions when he's on a run.
60. - Edited
61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him.
62. I am not allowed to do anything I saw Han Solo do once.
63. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please.
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "Good for the Good God"
65. There is no Summon Bimbo spell.
66. Not allowed to start a character that speaks every language except ones the party speaks.
67. There is no Kung Fu manuever "McGuire Swings For Bleachers"
68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.
70. Not allowed to cook up nerve gas in the sink even if the target number is 5.
71. There is no 'annoy' setting on a phasor
72. Not allowed to start a character who is over 100 years old unless he's an elf or dwarf. Humans are right out.
73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick.
74. My thief's battle cry is not "Run And Live"
75. Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps"
76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.
77. I did not get my super powers from James T. Kirk.
78. Not allowed to commission a pistol that costs more than a sedan.
79. I am not liquid metal.
80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.
81. A picture of my ex-wife is not an acceptable backup weapon.
82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste.
83. My gnome does not like big butts and he cannot lie.
84. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying a 220lb pull crossbow.
85. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial strength flamethrower.
86. Not allowed to make a superhero with a 99% chance of dodging even after the -10 penalty for a successful called shot.
87. There is no such thing as a dwarven katana.
88. - Edited
89. The elf's name is not Legolam.
90. - Edited
91. A wet towel does not constitute an improvised weapon.
92. The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond"
93. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again.
94. I cannot base my ancient kung fu master on neither Gene Simmons or Bluto Blutarski.
95. I must not put the Thunder God on the spot again.
96. No making up polearms.
97. My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'
98. There is no such thing as Speed Polka.
99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.
100. When any character from a d20 sourcebook is allowed, that doesn't include System Lords.
101. I am not allowed to pave ANYTHING.
102. I am not authorized to start any civil engineering project on the taxpayer's dime.
103. There is no such thing as a Club +3 of Cup Checks
104. Nor is there a +1 Longsword, +5 against party members.
105. I am not allowed to polymorph anyone into Abe Vigoda.
106. I do not have weapon profiency in cat.
107. There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet.
108. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer.
109. Not allowed to kill a vampire with any part from a DC-10 larger than my car.
110. Not allowed to serenade the party even if my character has an internal tape deck.
111. I did not pick the garrote skill last week from my grandmother.
112. If the gun can't fit through the x-ray machine, it doesn't go on the plane.
113. My Droid is not allowed to paraphrase any Jack Nicholson soliloquy.
114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once.
115. My musical instrument does not double as a personal flotation device.
116. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final super villain showdown.
117. I am restricted to memorizing Floating Disc only once per day.
118. I will pick a more traditional paladin weapon instead of a sledgehammer.
119. - Edited
120. Not allowed to kill another party member with a boomerang again.
121. I am not a contractor for Dragon Cave Cleaning Services Inc.
122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal.
123. Not allowed to forget to mention traps when the powergamer has point.
124. I cannot insert the words "Kill Phil, Sorry Phil" into any list of instructions.
125. - Edited
126. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals.
127. Not allowed to download AOL 6.0 on the Arasaka mainframe.
128. Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind.
129. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism.
130. I am not authorized to form the head.
131. Not allowed to bet how many times the lich bounces.
132. There is no such feat called "Death Blossom"
133. My acrobat cannot balance on the warlord's head for more than one round.
134. The King's Guards official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt"
135. - Edited
136. I cannot start the 7th Sea campaign with 3 confirmed Drachen kills.
137. I do not have a scorching case of lycanthropy.
138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it.
139. My bard is required to take levels in the perform skill and cannot 'just play by ear'
140. The Dutch language does not exist in the Forgotten Realms.
141. My maid does not know kung fu.
142. - Edited
143. Not allowed to by a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.
144. - Edied. Didn't know what it meant, but pretty sure it was bad.
145. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents.
146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600.
147. Hobbits are not allowed to have Norse ancestry.
148. There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if there was, it wouldn't involve tongs.
149. Looting the unguarded baggage train is not considered a glorious victory.
150. - Edited.
151. Halflings do not have a racial proficiency with the flamethrower.
152. When the guy is at -9 HP is not the best time for my cleric to convert him.
153. I will not propose to every noblewoman at the royal ball until I crit my charisma check.
154. I am not allowed to rub the monk's head for luck.
155. - Edied
156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.
157. Any capital scale weapon is not 'my little friend'.
158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells.
159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.
160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.
161. - Edied
162. What ever monster we just killed is not to be tonight's dinner.
163. Not allowed to try and make a dire version of any dog of the toy breeds.
164. I am not to tattle to the halfling assassin's mom about his career choice.
165. I am forbidden from replacing anything with folger's crystals to see if they notice.
166. Not allowed to bribe the enemy commander into withdrawing with a stolen Elvis LP collection.
167. I was not recruited by Star League for any reason.
168. I was also not recruited by 12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon.
169. - Edied
170. I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof.
171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur"
172. At no point can I justify spending force points on a seduction check.
173. I am not allowed to recreate Veers' March of the AT-ATs on Zhentil Keep.
174. There is no use of Shatner's spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check.
175. I am not directly descended from either Huey Lewis or any member of the News.
176. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans.
177. Stinking cloud is a privilege, not a right.
178. There are no profanities in Celestial.
179. Chummer means he is my friend, not that sharks find him tasty.
180. I have neither the touch nor the power.
181. I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos.
182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.
183. There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any d20 supplement.
184. A starting character has no need for 100gp worth of hemp rope.
185. My bard does not need roadies for a dungeon crawl.
186. No cutting line to be a god.
187. I cannot gain more than three drama die per session for making the GM pee.
188. I cannot play a elf with a scottish accent, nor a cajun dwarf.
189. Tourretes is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation.
190. Duel wielding small animals is strictly forbidden.
191. My character is not related in anyway to Boba Fett. This goes double for Star Wars characters.
192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it.
193. Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic charges.
194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.
195. I cannot use a silent feat enambled power word stun and blame it on the dog.
196. I cannot name a character anything that I can't say politely in another country.
197. My epic level character cannot take on the minor goblin menace to his country just to stay sharp.
198. Not allowed to steal my own soul.
199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish'
200. I cannot name my character cliche canon characters from other systems.
201. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant.
202. Character descriptions cannot contain two of the following words: Slavic, Tonedeaf, Karaoke, Musician.
203. My superhero's strength is not classified as snazzy, neato or bodacious.
204. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself.
205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.
206. I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying.
207. The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.
208. I cannot whine about the crappy selection of magical bec de corbins.
209. My Paladin's heraldry is not a smiley face.
210. My Antipaladin's heraldry is not Mr. Yuk.
211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.
212. - Edied
213. I am not the patron saint of common sense.
214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer.
215. They do not make heavy weapons in pump action.
216. There is an upper limit to the number of Bozo boostergangers I can get in a Volkswagon.
217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it.
218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.
219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys".
220. I am not the master of the low blow or the gang up.
221. If I get that Yugo up to 120mph again, that's gonna get some paradox.
222. Druids are not against my religion.
223. I cannot convince the Solo he has a cortex bomb when he really doesn't.
224. - Edited
225. I am forbidden from monologuing.
226. Troll bubblegum...bad idea.
227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game."
228. - Edied
229. Not allowed to spontaniously check if the elf can take a punch.
230. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss.
231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.
232. It is not possible to recreate any scene from Dr. Who in Crinos.
233. If I am the medtech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine.
234. My character does not get d34 HP a level.
235. My Samedi is required to have dots in obfuscate. Plural, as in more than one, two more than none.
236. My character has no need for 24,000 cartons of cigarettes, especially in his neighbor's garage.
237. Not allowed to use more than 3 words per game that the GM has to look up the definition.
238. My bard cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.
239. My rockerboy cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.
240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.
241. Cannot use the jedi mind trick to get out of a speeding ticket.
242. Not allowed to give quicklings Mountain Dew.
243. Cannot cast haste on the king during a long winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up.
244. Not allowed to taunt the rest of the party in 8 different languages because they forgot to take any.
245. Not allowed to attend any opera whose name the GM confuses with a strip joint.
246. - Edited
247. If the king rewards me with a forest, I am to assume he intends for me to keep it a forest.
248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots.
249. If a black op requires me to impersonate an employee, I cannot bill the target for overtime.
250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept.
251. I am not the Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy of Gundam Wing Z.
252. I can not order the Druid to transform and roll out.
253. If the other party members forget to take any food prep skills, not allowed to let them starve to death.
254. I cannot blow 5 paradox in: A police line up, the candy aisle of Krogers, the Miss America Pageant.
255. I cannot create a superhero that can palm the moon.
256. - Edited
257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.
258. - Edited
259. My Highlander's name cannot be McHammer.
260. Gnomes do not have a racial bonus in bobsled.
261. The Barbarian's name does not translate into "Screams like little sissy girl" in my language.
262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises.
263. Not allowed to attempt to kill the Hutt by pouring salt on him.
264. - Edited
265. It assumed my mechwarrior knows at least what one of the buttons in his cockpit does.
266. At the end of a black-ops, I cannot crank call C-SWAT on the target's phone.
267. I cannot yell "FREEBIRD" everytime the bard makes a perform roll.
268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in 3rd person.
269. My character cannot hear the soundtrack.
270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope.
271. Tracheotomies are best left to characters with skills in medicine.
272. No skill allows specializing in defenestration. (Note by Narf: Not dirty: http://education.yahoo.com/reference/dictionary/entry/defenestration)
273. No matter how smart I make my animal companion, he still can't take the tax accountant skill.
274. I cannot commune with the Gods during peak hours.
275. I must remember at dinner time Rock is not a dwarven delicacy.
276. I must remember at dinner time Log is not an elven delicacy.
277. My half-ogre cannot surprise the halflings with spontanious games of dodgeball.
278. Anything the DM has to ponder the full impact of for more than a minute is forbidden.
279. I cannot base any elf off of any British Prime Minister.
280. Thermonuclear hand grenades do not exist in any genre except Paranoia.
281. I cannot get emotionally attached to any generic nondescript unnamed NPC.
282. Even if laughter is the best medicine, it still doesn't restore any of my HP.
283. I have been assured with total certainty Ralph is not a Japanese name.
284. When the CO asks for volunteers, I can't help others make a decision.
285. I am not from Margaritaville, and even if I was, that doesn't excuse the hawaiian shirt and lawn chair during the dress inspection.
286. No character of mine can start with 400 previous convictions for any misdemeanor.
287. When asked for advice before a fight "Don't wet yourself in public" is not what they were looking for.
288. I cannot name my character after another PC already in this game.
289. My character does not have the flaw Addiction: Helium.
290. I cannot figure that the dungeon we're in is the Pac-Man maze and point it out to the rest of the party.
291. I cannot form a huddle to discuss strategy before facing the final monster in the dungeon.
292. I cannot take all the monsters I've killed to the taxidermist after the adventure.
293. Clowns shoes have no place in a dungeon crawl.
294. My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic.
295. When my enemy blinks does not give me an attack of opportunity.
296. I cannot make called shots with a crew served weapon.
297. I cannot hand out artillery flares to the bad guys on New Years and tell them they are roman candles.
298. Sprechen Sie Bang-Bang? is not real German.
299. I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep.
300. I cannot give the rebel operatives the codenames Luke, Han, Chewie or Yoda.

narf poit chez BOOM

September 24th, 2005, 05:58 PM

Warning: This could make the 'Worst jokes ever' book.

Subject: Spew alert.
Author: Leonard Hollar
Date: 23 Sep 2005 06:56 PM
Originally Posted: 23 Sep 2005 08:00 PM
Two Norwegians walk into a pet shop in Duluth. They head to the bird
section and Sven says to Hans, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks
if
he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat
cage up dere," says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.

Hans and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's
pick-up and drive to the top of the Skyline Hwy Park. At the park, they
climb the Engor Tower. Sven looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says:
"Dis
looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps
off the top of the Tower. Hans watches as Sven falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Hans shakes his head and
says:
"Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE!

PART TWO:

Moments later Ole arrives up at Engor Tower. He's been to the pet shop too
and climbs up to the stairs to the top of the Tower, carrying another
paper
bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Hans. Watch dis," Ole
says.

He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the
Tower. Hans watches as half way down, Ole takes the gun and shoots the
parrot. Ole continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom
and breaks every bone in his body.

Hans shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either."

BUT WAIT!!!!.....There's MORE!!

PART THREE:

Hans is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars
appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he
pulls a chicken. Lars then grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over
his
head and hurls himself off the top of the tower and disappears down and
down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Hans shakes his head - "First der vas Sven with his budgie
jumping, den Ole parrotshooting . . . . . and now Lars tries hengliding.

Taera

September 26th, 2005, 06:05 AM

*wipes tears* Okay, I am a hopeless geek. The " 300 things Mr. Welch can no longer do during an RPG" made me laugh to tears. Many times.

narf poit chez BOOM

October 1st, 2005, 11:26 PM

Found in someone's sig:

Subject: Re: Happy Birthday Honor
Author: Joe Buckley
Date: 01 Oct 2005 06:48 PM
"Bother," said Pooh, "Eeyore, ready two photon torpedoes and lock phasers
on the Heffalump. Piglet, meet me in transporter room three. Christopher
Robin, you have the bridge."

Pooh = Picard, Eeyore would probably be Worf, Piglet could be Riker and I'm not sure who Robin is supposed to be.

Randallw

October 2nd, 2005, 02:25 AM

Since he is transferring command I'd say Robin was Riker. Piglet is most likely La Forge.

Renegade 13

October 2nd, 2005, 12:28 PM

Nah, I think Piglet would be Data.

narf poit chez BOOM

October 22nd, 2005, 11:59 PM

> Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?
>
>
> This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold
water
> to clean.
>
> John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural
> area of Georgia.
>
> After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's
grandfather
> prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film
> like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are
> these plates clean?"
>
>
> His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them.
> Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
>
>
>
> For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned
about
> the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked
> like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
>
>
>
>
> Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those
> dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I
don't
> want to hear another word about it!"
>
>
>
> Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was
> leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him
pass.
> John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".
>
>
>
> Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching
on
> TV, the old man shouted ..
>
>
>
>
> "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
>
> Meet Coldwater.....................

narf poit chez BOOM

October 25th, 2005, 12:56 AM

A double feature for you:

BAD DAY ON THE FREEWAY

A California policeman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he'd been wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," said the woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment there was a knock from the trunk, and a voice said in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

PLANET PROCTOR
(C) 1999 by Phil Proctor
Published 12/11/99

Subject: Just Asking
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 23 Oct 2005 09:47 AM
Originally Posted: 23 Oct 2005 10:54 AM
JUST ASKING

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?

PLANET PROCTOR (C) 1999 by Phil Proctor
Published 6/6/99

narf poit chez BOOM

October 29th, 2005, 11:19 PM

More funnies. A whole lot of funnies:

Subject: the bronze rat
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 29 Oct 2005 04:08 PM
Originally Posted: 29 Oct 2005 05:15 PM
RAT ON!

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Sorting through the objects on display, he discovers a life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. He picks it up and asks the shop owner the cost. "Twelve dollars," says the owner, "and a thousand dollars for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he walks faster, but every time he passes another drain, more rats come out and join the parade.

Soon, at least a hundred rats are following him, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, breaking into a trot as the rats swarm from the sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are now at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of a hill, he panics and starts to run.

But the rats keep up, squealing hideously, and by the time he reaches the water's edge, he's leading a trail of rats 12 city blocks long. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post and hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay, as far as he can heave it. Clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the shop owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.

Subject: letter of recommendation
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 29 Oct 2005 03:50 AM
Originally Posted: 29 Oct 2005 04:57 AM
Here's a letter of recommendation

"During John's time with us , I have always found him

working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or

gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom

wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always

finishes the given assignment in time. He is always

deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be

found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound

knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be

classed as outstanding, and should on no account be

dispensed with. I strongly feel that he should be

pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be

sent away as soon as possible."

(A second note from the Branch manager followed:)

"John was present when I was writing the report mailed to you today. Kindly read only the alternative lines 1,3,5... for true recommendation

Subject: Real life resumes
Author: ginnilee berger
Date: 28 Oct 2005 09:17 PM
Originally Posted: 28 Oct 2005 10:25 PM
For those of us who have gone through the job-mill recently, it strikes close to home.

Ginnilee
Lady Lavender of Teal

I'm Dear, Sweet & Innocent- just ask my cats!

Actual Lines from Resumes
Job hunting can provide us with some interesting challenges. It can also provide us with some entertainment. The following are excerpts from real resumes and cover letters. Let the ridicule and/or pity begin.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.
I am very detail-oreinted.
My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
I am sicking and entry-level position.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.
You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!
I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
Please disregard the attached resume�it is terribly out of date.
Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.

Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
Previous experience: Self-employed�a fiasco.
Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.
Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
I am a rabid typist.
Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.
I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.
Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.
I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
Special Skills: Speak English.

Served as assistant sore manager.
Served as assistant sore manager.
Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.
Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.
Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis.
Special skills: Thyping.
My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.
I can play well with others.
Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law.
Objective: I want a base salary of $50-$60,000 dollars, not including bonus. And some decent benefits. Like a retirement plan, health insurance, personal or sick days.
Experience: Provided correct answers to customers' questions.
I can drive heavy duty equipment and trucks up to 25 feet without getting lost.
Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.
Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors.
Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings.
Special skills: Highly proficient at vacuuming, dusting and moping.
Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.
Work best with kids five and under.
Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine.
I have happily been a "kept man" for the past 10 years.
Have extensive experience in turkey manufactures as well as new product development and implementation.
I am accustomed to speaking in front of all kinds of audiences. I make points as well as I can.
Personal: Five children. Dog: Jasper. Cat: Morris. Gerbil: Binky.
I'm inquiring as to weather or not you have any jobs open.
Experience: Completed semester project with a classmate of mind.
While in military, was instrumental in creation of a treat detection system.
My compensation package at my last job included a base salary of $64,500 with excellent benefits including flextime. I am looking for a position in which I can work a more flexible schedule.
Hire me and you won't regret it�I am funny, cute, smart and creative... really.
Referees available upon request.
Pursing a position requiring strong communication skills.

Previous rank: Senior instigator.
Work history: Bakery�proactively provided the products with the appropriate fillings, jellies and custards.
Previous experience: Administrative Assitant. Required high detail orentation and acuracy.
Previous rank: Senior instigator.
Looking for an employer that believes in prompting from within.
I have recently sold my home and I now live in a large RV so I will be able to relocate quickly.
Reason for leaving: They stopped paying me.
Cover letter: Desire the chance to showcase my delightful personality, intelligence and superior judgment, which are so hard to find these days.
Interests: Music, dancing computers.
Personal achievements: Successfully played "Chop Sticks" on a toy piano with my big toes.
Objective: To obtain a position where I can make a difference, infecting others with my professionalism, enthusiasm and dedication.
Strengths: Impersonal skills.
Experience: Cocktail sever.
Honors: Have been named most reliable, most popular and best actor in school.
Special interests: I like any projects that are fun.
Please explain any breaks in your employment career: 15 minute coffee break while working at a home improvement store.
Duties: Constant oversight of kennel operations.
Other: Joined the Air Force in 1776.
Vocational plans: Sea World.function sendform(){document.form0.ref.value=document.locat ion;return true;}

Subject: Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books:
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 28 Oct 2005 06:13 PM
Originally Posted: 28 Oct 2005 07:20 PM
Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books:

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Subject: New income tax form
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 27 Oct 2005 01:09 AM
Originally Posted: 27 Oct 2005 02:16 AM
A TAXING TIME FOR ALL

If you haven't filed yet, just use this new short form W-2-CFSAP:

1. Name: _____________________________________

2. Social Security Number: _______________________

3. How Much Did You Make In 2005: ______________

SEND IT IN!

Signature_____________________________________

Date_________________________________________

AdmiralMartin

November 4th, 2005, 02:16 PM

What your computer does at night... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif /threads/images/Graemlins/WinLogo.gif

http://www.justracin.net/is.swf

narf poit chez BOOM

November 4th, 2005, 02:46 PM

Funny. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

Atrocities

November 4th, 2005, 02:55 PM

ROFLMAO ------------- FANTASTIC

Renegade 13

November 9th, 2005, 03:26 PM

Read this on another forum: http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fianc�e 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSe xPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.
These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please

Renegade 13

November 9th, 2005, 03:57 PM

One for the ladies:

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate
---------------------------------------------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try entering the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash
Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

AdmiralMartin

November 9th, 2005, 04:48 PM

Heard those before, They still make me laugh though http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

narf poit chez BOOM

November 9th, 2005, 10:28 PM

"Mary?" said Fred.

Something in his voice catching her ear, Mary crossed over to the table. "What is it, Fred?"

"Well," he said, his voice seemingly worried, "It's just something I've been thinking about. About me. And maybe you."

"What?" She asked again. It sounded like a proposition, but at the same time, the voice wasn't right.

"It's just...I think this might be you, too." He said, leaning his arms on the table.

"Yes?" Mary asked, leaning forward instinctively, arms on the table, wishing he would get to the point.

Fred leaned forward even further, brow creased with concered, looked both ways furtively, leaned even closer and whispered "It's just, Mary" he paused "I see dead people."

"Fred" said Mary "you're a mortician. And so am I."

* Runs away Really, Really Fast.

TurinTurambar

November 9th, 2005, 11:12 PM

*hurls something in Narf's direction as he flees the scene

Wolfman77

November 10th, 2005, 11:44 AM

Hurls?!? No, that one requires the plasma missiles. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

AdmiralMartin

November 10th, 2005, 03:55 PM

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

Basic Rules for Pilots

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

narf poit chez BOOM

November 16th, 2005, 03:10 AM

This is either the 13th post or the 11th post. Hmm...(Bad math joke)

This one's from my sister:

>>
> Subject: Should You Be Institutionalised?
>
> >>> Should You Be Institutionalised?
> >>> It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and
> >>> this should help get you started.
> >>> During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what
> >>> the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
> >>> institutionalised.
> >>> "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
> >>> teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
> >>> empty the bathtub."
> >>>Now pause and think about what you would do?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the

> >>> bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
> >>> "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
> >>> want a room with or without a view?"

AdmiralMartin

November 16th, 2005, 06:02 PM

An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."

"How can you tell?" asked the American.

"I can feel the cold air." he replied.

A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.

"How do you know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of the desert."

Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York."

The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that?" they exclaimed.

The American pulled his hand up. "My watch is missing."

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

Paladin_SE5

November 17th, 2005, 10:49 AM

I thought you might like these (absolutely true) scientific prizes:
http://www.improb.com/ig/ig-pastwinners.html
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif

Some 2005 Ignobel Winners:

PHYSICS: John Mainstone and the late Thomas Parnell of the University of Queensland, Australia, for patiently conducting an experiment that began in the year 1927 -- in which a glob of congealed black tar has been slowly, slowly dripping through a funnel, at a rate of approximately one drop every nine years.
REFERENCE: "The Pitch Drop Experiment,"

MEDICINE: Gregg A. Miller of Oak Grove, Missouri, for inventing Neuticles -- artificial replacement testicles for dogs, which are available in three sizes, and three degrees of firmness.
REFERENCES: US Patent #5868140, and the book Going Going NUTS!,

LITERATURE: The Internet entrepreneurs of Nigeria, for creating and then using e-mail to distribute a bold series of short stories, thus introducing millions of readers to a cast of rich characters -- General Sani Abacha, Mrs. Mariam Sanni Abacha, Barrister Jon A Mbeki Esq., and others -- each of whom requires just a small amount of expense money so as to obtain access to the great wealth to which they are entitled and which they would like to share with the kind person who assists them.

PEACE: Claire Rind and Peter Simmons of Newcastle University, in the U.K., for electrically monitoring the activity of a brain cell in a locust while that locust was watching selected highlights from the movie " Star Wars."
REFERENCE: "Orthopteran DCMD Neuron: A Reevaluation of Responses to Moving Objects (Locust = Criquet)

ECONOMICS: Gauri Nanda of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, for inventing an alarm clock that runs away and hides, repeatedly , thus ensuring that people DO get out of bed, and thus theoretically adding many productive hours to the workday

CHEMISTRY: Edward Cussler of the University of Minnesota and Brian Gettelfinger of the University of Minnesota and the University of Wisconsin, for conducting a careful experiment to settle the longstanding scientific question: can people swim faster in syrup or in water?
REFERENCE: "Will Humans Swim Faster or Slower in Syrup?"

BIOLOGY: Benjamin Smith of the University of Adelaide, Australia and the University of Toronto, Canada and the Firmenich perfume company, Geneva, Switzerland, and ChemComm Enterprises, Archamps, France; Craig Williams of James Cook University and the University of South Australia; Michael Tyler of the University of Adelaide; Brian Williams of the University of Adelaide; and Yoji Hayasaka of the Australian Wine Research Institute; for painstakingly smelling and cataloging the peculiar odors produced by 131 different species of frogs when the frogs were feeling stressed.
REFERENCE: "A Survey of Frog Odorous Secretions, Their Possible Functions and Phylogenetic Significance,"

NUTRITION: Dr. Yoshiro Nakamats of Tokyo, Japan, for photographing and retrospectively analyzing every meal he has consumed during a period of 34 years (and counting). Japanese picture-taking at it's finest...

FLUID DYNAMICS: Victor Benno Meyer-Rochow of International University Bremen, Germany and the University of Oulu, Finland; and Jozsef Gal of Lor�nd E�tv�s University, Hungary, for using basic principles of physics to calculate the pressure that builds up inside a penguin, as detailed in their report "Pressures Produced When Penguins Pooh -- Calculations on Avian Defaecation."
PUBLISHED IN: Polar Biology, vol. 27, 2003, pp. 56-8

Some of the 2004 winners:
PHYSICS
Ramesh Balasubramaniam of the University of Ottawa, and Michael Turvey of the University of Connecticut and Haskins Laboratory, for exploring and explaining the dynamics of hula-hooping.
REFERENCE: "Coordination Modes in the Multisegmental Dynamics of Hula Hooping,"

CHEMISTRY
The Coca-Cola Company of Great Britain, for using advanced technology to convert ordinary tap water into Dasani, a transparent form of water, which for precautionary reasons has been made unavailable to consumers.

PSYCHOLOGY
Daniel Simons of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and Christopher Chabris of Harvard University, for demonstrating that when people pay close attention to something, it's all too easy to overlook anything else -- even a woman in a gorilla suit.

ECONOMICS
The Vatican, for outsourcing prayers to India.

geoschmo

November 29th, 2005, 09:58 PM

This isn't really a joke or riddle, but I think it's hilarious.

A little creative editing can turn any movie into "The feel good hit of the year." (http://www.ps260.com/molly/SHINING%20FINAL.mov)

El_Phil

November 29th, 2005, 11:09 PM

I laughed! I cried! I was spiritually uplifited to the depths of my soul!

I also remember something which I now attach.

TurinTurambar

November 30th, 2005, 01:54 AM

Does that mean that the depths of your soul were uplifted, or did you just totally boff that phrase?
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif

El_Phil

November 30th, 2005, 09:02 AM

I was spiritually uplifited to the depths of my soul. I never mention where I started from spiritually....

narf poit chez BOOM

December 6th, 2005, 05:43 AM

Some things from the Baen forums:

WHAT IS REALITY

Well, according to TV and the movies...

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. If being chased, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade (at any time of the year), and if you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment. The Chief of Police is always black and will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job. (A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.) Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite; and during all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe, and most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology but a single match will still be sufficient to light up a room the size of a stadium.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock, and cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage and a man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside; but an electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur, will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one and most dogs are immortal.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language as a simple German accent will do. Indeed, when they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

YOU THINK YOU SO SMART... here's "The World's Easiest Quiz"

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes panama hats?
3. Where do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is the purple finch?
9. What country do Chinese gooseberries come from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?

GIVE UP?
1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2. Ecuador.
3. From sheep and horses.
4. November, since the Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5. Squirrel fur.
6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria -- Island of the Dogs.
7. Albert. He respected Queen Victoria's wish that no future King should be called Albert.
8. Distinctly crimson.
9. New Zealand.
10. Thirty Years, of course -- from 1618 to 1648.

Subject: Groaner
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 05 Dec 2005 01:54 AM
Originally Posted: 05 Dec 2005 03:04 AM
I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract
hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day.

Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they
have to be delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a
pickup truck's bed.

They'll pay in food, which is exactly what the cat likes best!

For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous
home-baked casserole with a crust of middle-eastern flat bread.
Mmmmmm!

That's right: a pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.

Randallw

December 6th, 2005, 07:03 AM

I feel I must point out that in Australia we call chinese goosebeeries Kiwi Fruit. Then again we call New Zealanders Kiwis.

AdmiralMartin

December 6th, 2005, 01:57 PM

Watch Your Mouth

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

narf poit chez BOOM

December 20th, 2005, 04:12 AM

Some more from the baen forum:

Subject: The Twelve Bugs of Christmas - Unix
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 18 Dec 2005 08:35 PM
Originally Posted: 18 Dec 2005 09:47 PM
The Twelve Bugs of Christmas
For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.

For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump...
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

Subject: How To Wrap A Cat . . .
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 18 Dec 2005 03:45 PM
Originally Posted: 18 Dec 2005 04:57 PM
How To Wrap A Cat . . .

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut
door.

3. Open door and remove cat from closet.

4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

6. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors,
labels, etc. . .

7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping
strategy to be formed.

8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the
drawer since last visit and collect string.

9. Remove present from bag.

10. Remove cat from bag.

11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.

12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.

13. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.

14. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.

15. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the
paper.

16. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the
present came in.

17. Place present on paper.

18. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't
reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.

19. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent
sticky tape.

20. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape
from cat with pair of nail scissors.

21. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.

22. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve
ribbon.

23. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.

24. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's
enthusiastic ribbon chase.

25. Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper.

26. Decide to skip steps 13-17 in order to save time and reduce risk of
losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right
size for sheet of paper.

27. Put present in box, and tie down with string.

28. Remove string, open box and remove cat.

29. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked
room.

30. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper
and materials.

31. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and
relock.

32. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear
cat from outside door)

33. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small
area of the toilet, but do your best)

34. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt
through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper.
Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last
year as well.

35. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to
make torn sheet of paper look presentable.

36. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with
sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst
areas.

37. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on
completing a difficult job.

38. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.

39. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion.

40. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.

41. Go to store and buy a gift bag.

Subject: The life raft
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 16 Dec 2005 10:00 PM
Originally Posted: 16 Dec 2005 11:11 PM
I was 17, and had mentioned to my father that I was thinking of
buying a rubber boat for use as a scuba platform.

My father managed to get me one from the F.A.A. where he worked.
(Don't ask, I never did).
What he brought me was one of those Air Force survival rafts that
they issue to bomber crews with up to 10 men. I couldn't wait to test
it, so I called Jason, and told him to come on over.

I took the back seat out of my VW bug, and laid the seat back down.
This makes a VW bug kind of like a hatch back without the hatch.
Jason got over to my place, just as our girlfriends showed up. They
had come over to see if we wanted to go swimming. I crammed the
raft, and both girls in the back of the VW (it was really tight), and
Jason in the passenger seat up front, and took off.

I got onto IH35 in Oklahoma City to head for one of the area lakes.
The windows were down and the hot August wind was roaring through the
car like a minor hurricane. My girlfriend started complaining about
the wind, and a little red tag that kept getting tangled in her hair.
I told her not to mess with the tag, but she got mad and gave it a
good hard yank, intending to throw it out the window.

Can you guess what that little red tag was for? Yepp, that darned
raft started to inflate right there in the VW! It takes about 15
seconds for one of those things to inflate, and for the first 5
seconds or so I was frozen with something of a mixture fear,
amazement, and a sense of "this really can't be happening!'' In the
6th second the raft started pushing my head down against the steering
wheel hard enough that I couldn't really see where I was going, and
started pushing the windows that weren't down out of their frames,
and onto the road. By the time I got my wits back, the raft was fully
inflated. I managed to push my head up enough to see where I was
going, and hopefully avoid creaming anyone else on the road.

By this time the real chaos had started. The girls were screaming
their fool heads off, Jason was laughing like an idiot, and the
Oklahoma Highway Patrolman that had been following me when all this
started had turned on his siren.

I finally got the car to the center median, and stopped. I got hold
of the door handle to open the door and pulled. The door shot open,
and the raft exploded out of the car pushing me ahead of it. When I
got to my feet, the first thing I saw was the OHP cop laughing so
hard he had tears running down his cheeks, and having a hard time
breathing.

I managed to get the deflate mechanism activated and the raft
started to deflate. By this time the cop was breathing again and
somewhat coherent.

He came over and told me that was the funniest thing he had ever
seen. I asked if I was going to get a ticket. He said no, he just
wanted to make sure no one got hurt. We folded the raft as best we
could and
went back to my place.

The real fun was trying to convince my insurance company that all
that glass damage really was because a life raft had inflated inside
the car. They did payoff, but only after the insurance adjuster had
talked to the OHP cop.

Groaner Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to
be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so
no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve Santa Claus
landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort
sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer.

Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one
it was. It happened again, only louder this time. "Snort sniff
honk honk snort!"

Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa hissed.
"Please be quiet!"

He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when
he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF
HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the neighborhood and
some people even stuck their heads out of their windows.

Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove
quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer
and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until
the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps
forward and apologizes!"

None of the reindeer stepped forward.

Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is and I have
written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance
to do the right thing on your own."

Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only
thing he could do. Read off the rude-nosed reindeer...

narf poit chez BOOM

January 12th, 2006, 01:44 AM

And a funny quote:

Subject: Re: It's quiet... too quiet...
Author: Leon Brooks
Date: 08 Jan 2006 09:21 PM
Originally Posted: 08 Jan 2006 10:34 PM
William Anderson wrote on Monday 09 January 2006 06:38 [interspersed]:
> You have encountered the "obsolescence" rule about computers. If you
> can buy it at the store, it's already obsolete.

The ditty goes like this:

I bought a new computer
it came fully loaded
the warranty was for ninety days
but in thirty 't'was outmoded.

Cheers: Leon

--
"Okay, it's not the best plan I've ever been part of, but at least
its doing something. If it doesn't work, there is always Plan B."

"Colonel, there is no Plan B."

"There will be if we need it."

narf poit chez BOOM

February 7th, 2006, 05:45 AM

Some goodies from the Baen humor forum again:

Subject: TOMBSTONE
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 04 Feb 2006 06:03 PM
Originally Posted: 04 Feb 2006 07:18 PM
Three tipsy Irishmen were in a cemetery, searching for the oldest person buried there. One of the men, Shamus, yells out, "Here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

Subject: BEST THING
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 04 Feb 2006 06:02 PM
Originally Posted: 04 Feb 2006 07:16 PM
A reporter is interviewing a 104-year-old woman. The reporter asks, "What do you think is the best thing about being 104?" The woman replies, "No peer pressure."

Subject: CAT AND MOUSE
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 04 Feb 2006 05:57 PM
Originally Posted: 04 Feb 2006 07:12 PM
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when suddenly a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "Bark!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

Subject: LONG-HAUL DRIVER
Author: Raymond Garrett
Date: 04 Feb 2006 08:54 AM
Originally Posted: 04 Feb 2006 10:09 AM
Two men are chatting at a roadside diner, and one discovers that the other is a long-haul truck driver. The man says to the truck driver, "I'd love to drive a big rig, but I'd worry about falling asleep at the wheel." "I have a trick to stay awake," says the truck driver. "I just put a $100 bill in my left hand and hold it out the window."

I saw this one on the Baen forums and decided to share it. (You can thank me later...after I've had a running start.)

Subject: Snicker, snort
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 05 Feb 2006 05:07 AM
Originally Posted: 05 Feb 2006 06:22 AM

A very important event is going to happen on May the 4th. I'm telling you so early because it's so important. I urge each of you to mark that date on your calendars with the letters BU. It's very important that you include the letter B with the letter U; you may miss the importance of the event without it.

So go now, and mark your calendars. Keep repeating to yourselves as you walk to the calendar, so you don't forget: May the 4th, B with U; May the 4th, B with U...

Randallw

February 7th, 2006, 07:54 AM

Real Monkey style (ok, yes I know it's an ape)

http://www.youtube.com/w/Martial-Arts-Monkey?v=pAYpJYiO9AU&search=martial%20arts%20monke y

There's Monkey Kung-Fu as well but that's just some master doing Kata.

narf poit chez BOOM

February 7th, 2006, 04:14 PM

There's only one responce to something like that..."MONKEY NINJAS!! ATTACK!!!!"

narf poit chez BOOM

August 11th, 2006, 08:44 PM

I checked the Baen humour forum...Fear! Feeeear!!...

Subject: And now a word from our legal department:.....
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 10 Aug 2006 11:57 PM
And now a word from our legal department:.....

This is a test. It is only a test. If this were not a test, it would not
be called test. Therefore, it is still a test and only a test. This test
is not to be confused with an emergency test. For that is an old test.
Those who created this test need no embellishment for they have already
passed this test and you need to pass this test as well.

If you received this test with prior notification that you were about to
receive this test, then it would be safe to say that you too are part of
this test. However, if you were not part of this test and received it,
then you could pass this test to the person or persons who should have
received this test on their behalf.

If you want to take this test, then you are most welcome to take this
test as long as you too pass this test. The pathway to the success of
this test leads the way to two kinds of constraints, those that pass the
test and those that do not pass the test. However, if you fail this test
it will go on record that you to have not succeeded in passing this
test.

Please note, that anyone not authorized to take this test, will be in
violation of test requirements and therefore their participation in this
test will be known as an invalid test. It is in the judgment of the test
committee, that, test management immediately disqualifies all invalid
tests. Empowered with this new understanding we could create more
assertive tests.

For those of you who have any questions about this test they should
write them down and send them to the test committee whereby they will
have a meeting to discuss the further possibilities of having still
another test.

In the meantime, Thank you for taking part in this test. This concludes
this test.

Signed,
Test Management

P.S. A warning is hereby given to those who have been granted permission
to take this test, they should never seek council after taking this
test.

I made sense of most of that; how about you?

Subject: Ooops by 2
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 08 Aug 2006 04:15 AM
I wanted a haircut and phoned a salon early for an appointment with a
highly recommended stylist. I was told customers were taken on a walk-in
basis only.
On Saturday I got there by 9 a.m., only to learn that it was that
hairdresser's day off. I drove to another salon, but it was booked
solid. Still another had no openings.
The situation seemed hopeless, so I went home. My husband greeted
me at the door. "That was fast," he said cheerfully. "Your hair looks
great!"

------------------------------

Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in
Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special.
When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would
sneak a peek at it and address him by name.
Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests
presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell,"
the desk clerk said.
"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."

You know you're in an Australian Summer when....

1.The best parking space is determined by shade
instead of distance.

2.Hot water comes out of both taps.

3.You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty
good branding iron.

4.The temperature drops below 35c and you feel a
little chilly.

5.You discover that in February it only takes two
fingers to steer your car.

6.You discover that you can get sunburnt through
your car window.

7.You develop a fear of metal car door handles.

8.You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30am.

9.Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get
knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

10.You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.

11. While walking back barefoot to your car from the
beach, you do a tightrope act on the white lines in the carpark.

12.You catch a cold from having the aircon full
blast while you sleep during the night.

13.You pray that your train will have air-conditioning, and if it
doesn't, waiting an extra 15 minutes for one is worth it.

Grumpy, Australia

Considering that it was 0 degrees last night - roll on Spring!
dave

And the thread's good, too (http://bar.baen.com/WB/default.asp?action=9&read=88733&fid=15)

Subject: Ethnicity
Author: Dan Neely
Date: 07 Aug 2006 06:06 PM
My dad is Icelandic, my mother Cuban. I'm an icecube.

I'm english, irish, scottish, welsh and german with a possible spot of russian. Somewhere in there is rumurs of gypsy and american indian (One of my uncles was actually mistaken for an american indian by the national geographic, among other things.).

Guess that explains why I'm so confused... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

Subject: You know you live on the Gulf Coast when. . .
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 Aug 2006 05:10 AM
You know you live on the Gulf Coast when. . .

*You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.
*You have more than 300 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.
*Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti Os.
*You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering
your windows.
*When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three
bedrooms, two baths and one safe hallway.
*Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.
*You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.
*You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.
*The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.
*You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the
pool.
*You own more than three large coolers.
*You wish that other people would get hit by a hurricane and not feel
the least bit guilty about it.
*You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take
gallon of gas to get there and back"
*You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in your
freezer
*Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can
assemble a portable generator by candlelight.
*You catch a 13-pound redfish. In your driveway.
*You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance
policy.
*You consider a "vacation" to stunning Tupelo, Mississippi.
*At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest
chainsaw.
*You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.
*There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.
*You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work
at the Weather Channel.
*Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
*Ice is a valid topic of conversation.
*Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.
*Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.
*You spend more time on your roof then in your living room.
*You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a
tree worker.
*A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.
*You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.
*Your child's first words, "hunker down" and you didn't go to UGA!
*Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's
Christmas.
*Toilet Paper is elevated to coin of the realm at the shelters.
*You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and the "bad
side."
*Your kids start school in August and finish in July.
*You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.

Subject: Camping Chips
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 Aug 2006 05:07 AM
Camping Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.
A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey
puck.

*You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then
breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

*In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting
small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of
your underwear.

*The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent
kindling.

*A large carp can be used for a pillow.

*Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn

camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."

*The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The
sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

*It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding
mountain road behind a large motor home.

*Effective January 1, 2000, you will actually have to enlist in the
Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.

*Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country.
The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

*In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle
a snoring tent mate.

I get the feeling some of those are not to be taken seriously.

Subject: I don't blame him
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 Aug 2006 04:58 AM
A woman, her husband, and their three very rambunctious young sons were in
their car waiting at a traffic light. The woman glanced over at the car
next them, noticing a blissfully happy mother with her baby daughter.

Looking at her husband she said, "As soon as I lose my weight from the last
baby, I want to try for a daughter."

The husband reached up to the dash, grabbed an open box of snacks, and said,
"Here, have another cookie."

Subject: Problem solved
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 Aug 2006 04:55 AM

The operators of a rope tow in a popular ski area were having
trouble with non-ticket purchasers sneaking onto the ski lift.
Finally, one of the operators stayed at his post operating the
tow, while the other, wearing a discarded pair of skis, elbowed
his way to the head of the line. The tow operator promptly
called him back, "Hey, where's your lift ticket?"

"I don't need a ticket to ride this tow."

At this, the two operator produced an ax and, with two
blows, deftly chopped off the fronts of his partner's skis,
just ahead of his toes.

With the crowd of skiers staring in amazement, the operator
lowered his ax and turned to the crowd, "Anyone else out
there who doesn't have a lift ticket?"

Subject: Zinger!
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 Aug 2006 04:50 AM
The woman at the supermarket checkout was giving the clerk a
hard time. As her audience in the waiting line increased, she became
more abusive. Finally, the patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar.
The checker asked the customer if she was aware that the package
had been opened.
"Of course," the woman snapped. "I opened it. You can't expect
me to get it home and find out it's the wrong size."
A voice from the line spoke for all of us: "Wear it in good
health."

Subject: Ooops
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 07 Aug 2006 04:48 AM
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out
marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They
stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found
the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.

They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.........

we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.

Randallw

August 12th, 2006, 03:40 AM

ALthough I live in the coldest state I can verify the following Australian summer items.

2,5,and 10

Renegade 13

August 25th, 2006, 07:15 PM

The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium." Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's Mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isotopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons, but twice as many morons.

---------------------------------------------

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a deep valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're drunk.

---------------------------------------------

Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time and this should help to get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

narf poit chez BOOM

August 25th, 2006, 07:50 PM

That second one was especially good.

AngleWyrm

September 1st, 2006, 04:15 AM

Yea, but can you do THIS? (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-325342045280395787&hl=en) (video clip)

AngleWyrm

October 21st, 2006, 11:01 PM

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished

And before coming to work this morning I have finished off a bottle of Bacardi, 1/2 a bottle of red wine, a small box of chocolates, 3 shots of tequila, a can of cider and some cheese triangles.

You have no idea how good I feel.

Edit:
Picture

Randallw

October 22nd, 2006, 01:21 AM

I Found a list of computer RPG cliches. I have only ever played one such game, FFVII, and yet I still recognise every one of them.

Short of copying the entire list here I'll post a link

http://project-apollo.net/text/rpg.html

Kamog

October 22nd, 2006, 12:20 PM

That list is quite funny. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif I recognize a lot of stuff from the Final Fantasy series as well as Luna the Silver Star, Phantasy Star series, etc. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

narf poit chez BOOM

October 25th, 2006, 12:47 AM

I thought that 'alcohal' one was hilarious - So did my Mom.

My usual copy-paste from the Baen humour forum:

Author: dave gerecke
Date: 16 Oct 2006 04:50 AM
Sub hunters
While my son Cliff was on board the Navy carrier USS GEORGE
WASHINGTON, the air wing was busy with training missions.

After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally
left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy
sounded just like Elmer Fudd."

The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that
the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the
pilot broke the silence by announcing, "Be vewy, vewy quiet. We are
hunting submawenes."
--
"I know now why men who have been to war yearn to reunite. Not to
tell stories or to look at old pictures. Not to laugh or weep on one
another's knee. Comrades gather because they long to be with men who
once acted their best."
Michael Norman's 'These Good Men'.

Subject: DRIVE AROUND, PLEASE
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 16 Oct 2006 04:50 AM

One night J. D. Roberts, an agent for the Drug Enforcement Agency, was
involved in a raid on a drug house that was doing a brisk business in
marijuana sales. He and the other agents were dressed in black "battle"
fatigues with "Narcotics Agent" stenciled on them. Local uniformed
officers in marked police cruisers also took part in the raid.

Roberts and his team easily entered the house and apprehended the
suspect. Several hundred pounds of marijuana were confiscated without
incident. Within minutes the officers were collecting evidence and
finishing up at the scene.

As Roberts started out the front door, he noticed a pickup truck parked
behind one of the marked police cruisers in front of the house. Two
long-haired individuals got out of the pickup and strolled past the
police cruisers parked in the driveway, then walked up to Roberts and
his partner.

"Hey man, he still selling pot?" Roberts looked at his partner, then
back at the guy. "Yeah, he is. Just go around and knock on the back
door." "Cool." The two men nodded and walked on.

Roberts watched in amazement as the two individuals sauntered around to
the rear of the house. Roberts radioed the officers still inside the
house that they had customers at the back door.

The uniformed officers inside quickly hid while one plainclothes
detective answered the door. The new customers asked where the old
owner was, and the officer explained that the owner had stepped out but
that he could help them.

They requested a fifty-dollar bag of marijuana. The officer went to the
next room, grabbed a handful from the four hundred pounds of pot they
had just confiscated and stuffed it into a plastic bag. The two
customers were ecstatic. They thanked the officer for his generosity.

Roberts and his partner were still in the drive way, still wearing the
black battle fatigues with "Narcotics Agent" stenciled on their chests,
when the two customers headed back to their pickup, oblivious to the
uniformed officers and the two marked police cruisers in the driveway.

Finally, Roberts walked up to the two satisfied customers and arrested
them. The agents reconfiscated the dope and impounded the pickup - just
as another prospective customer pulled up.

Roberts decided this was too easy to ignore. "We moved the two cruisers
and started putting the impounded vehicles in the back. We make about
fourteen more sales and arrests that night. By the time we were
through, the backyard was filled with cars. It was the darnedest
impromptu sting I've ever seen."

Subject: Groaner
Author: dave gerecke
Date: 17 Oct 2006 05:14 AM

During rehearsal, the high school Music Director was beside himself. The
cymbal player in the band was constantly coming in at the wrong time
with his cymbal clash.

The young man maintained that his entry point gave a much better effect
and that he wouldn't play it as written.

The Music Director told him he either had to play the piece as written,
or he would be kicked off the band. The young man refused, and the
Music Director had no choice but to kick him off the band.

Late, the Music Director was asked by the Principal why he had kicked
the young musician off the band.

He replied, "It was a simple case of cymbal disobedience."

Randallw

October 25th, 2006, 01:43 AM

This is your brain on drugs.

narf poit chez BOOM

November 1st, 2006, 10:54 PM

Dead C'thulhu lies dreaming,
But now he's waking up!
Better leave the planet in a Big Space Ship!
Shippy dip! Ship-shippy dip!
Shippy dip! Ship-shippy dip! (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2834974/1/)
No, I cannot explain. Eldritch pony horrors have captured my mind.

narf poit chez BOOM

November 9th, 2006, 09:45 PM

Thought I'd post a LDS joke...You see, some otherwise-pleasant people are convinced we are going to hell...

A man died and, having lived a good life, was met by Saint Peter at the golden gate. So, he was given a tour of heaven so he could pick where he wanted to live.

He was shown towering mountains, beutifull forests, calm lakeside beaches and glorious waterfalls...And then they came upon a sheer cliff.

'What's down there?', the man asked.
'Oh, you don't want to look down there. That's hell down there', Saint Peter said.
'Well, can't hurt to look', the man said.

So, he looked...Then he turned to Saint Peter and asked 'Are you sure that's hell? It's beutifull - All wheatfields and orchards!'

Saint Peter looked over the side and said...

...'Darnit! Those mormons are cultivating again!'

Ok, so maybe it's a little obscure. But I like it.

Randallw

November 10th, 2006, 04:11 AM

As a Catholic I may disagree with you, and on at least 2 occasions I have actively debated with your brethren, but I find that sort of joke thing uncalled for and frankly offensive but I applaud your ability to shrug it off and make fun of it.

I actually know quite a few Catholic jokes so in the spirit here's one.

Paddy and Sean are working on the road when a protestant minister walks past looks furitively from side to side and then ducks into the local Brothel.
"Look at that, Sean" says Paddy "Filthy protestant ducking into the house of sin. For shame"
Later a Rabbi walks past, and again, looks up and down the road before walking into the brothel.
"There's another of the dirty perverts" says Paddy.
Later a Catholic priest also walks past and as before also enters the Brothel.
"Take your hat off Sean" says Paddy "One of those poor girls is dying"

oh and don't worry. According to this

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hell%2C_Norway

Hell doesn't have Mormons. It's full of Lutherans http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

Disclaimer: I can see this could get controversial. But in Narfs, and my defense, we are telling jokes about our own religions.

Randallw

November 10th, 2006, 04:34 AM

In an attempt perhaps to get away from a touchy area, here are a few more PC jokes.

"Three people of different nationalities walk into the bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb."

"Three blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability."

"Three blind mice walk into a bar. They are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from their predicament would be exploitative

Q: What did Batman say to Robin to get him in the car?
A: "Get in the car."

capnq

November 10th, 2006, 01:20 PM

Randallw's jokes remind me of this gag (http://www.irregularwebcomic.net/1087.html) from one of my favorite Web comics.

narf poit chez BOOM

November 10th, 2006, 09:08 PM

Two guys...Er, two people...Er, two mobile object...Er, two...Ah, never mind.

Two guys walk into a bar. The gal ducks.

Randallw

November 10th, 2006, 11:25 PM

capnq said:
Randallw's jokes remind me of this gag (http://www.irregularwebcomic.net/1087.html) from one of my favorite Web comics.

Haha you read IW too. I have written at least twice to Dr Marr about strips. He is very nice and responds. You know it's quite possible that's the reason I looked at Meta-Humour on wiki.

Here's another one. I just yesterday read this one in a book I was reading about Quantumn mechanics. It was in a section about infinity.

Problem 1: A kettle is hanging on a peg. Describe the sequence of events to make a cup of tea.

1.Take the kettle off the peg
2.Put it in the sink
3.Turn on the tap
4.wait till kettle fills with water
5.Turn the tap off
etc.

Problem 2. A kettle is sitting in the sink. Describe the sequence of events needed to make a cup of tea.

answer: take it out of the sink and hang it on peg. follow sequence 1 http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

If you get the joke, congratulations you are apparently a mathematician.

and equally obscure. Here's a PHP joke.

OBGYN.

I came up with that one a few weeks ago. Hah I am officially a computer nerd http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

Renegade 13

January 21st, 2007, 08:01 PM

What, no new posts since November? I'm disappointed with all you jokers here! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif

=====================================

Came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

*****

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena (a new employeed) is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

*****

They're back! Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge Up Yours".
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------

*****

Ramblings of a Retired Old Man's Mind .....

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
*
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
*
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
*
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
*
I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."
*
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers !
*
I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"
*
Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
*
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
*
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

As for me,I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
*

*****

The Purina Diet

I was in Walmart buying a large bag of Purina for Lola and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

*****

Bungee in Mexico
Alice and Frank were Bungee jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in
Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration, so Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...it was the crowd!....What the HELL is a pi�ata?!"

*****

Redneck Man's pick up lines

1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

*****

Young Couple
As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working.

Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.

"Give this to your husband," he said, thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"

*****

Emergency Flashers
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers... Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?" "My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer... "Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

*****

After living in the remote wilderness of Tennessee all his life, An old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly broad he's runnin' around with."

Renegade 13

January 21st, 2007, 08:11 PM

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/redface.gif
http://www.shrapnelcommunity.com/threads/uploads/489123-1001.png

Renegade 13

January 21st, 2007, 08:14 PM

*

http://www.shrapnelcommunity.com/threads/uploads/489124-1003.png

Renegade 13

January 21st, 2007, 08:24 PM

&
http://www.shrapnelcommunity.com/threads/uploads/489127-1004.png

Renegade 13

January 21st, 2007, 08:31 PM

Ouch

http://www.shrapnelcommunity.com/threads/uploads/489128-1005.png

Ironmanbc

January 21st, 2007, 08:38 PM

The Purina Diet

I was in Walmart buying a large bag of Purina for Lola and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Oh god my sides... that was FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Renegade 13

June 16th, 2007, 05:56 PM

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama ) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10"

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Texas, Oklahoma, Mississippi, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, parts of Indiana and Louisiana.

=========================

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes."

=========================

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.

=========================

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

=========================

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

=========================

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

=========================

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

Renegade 13

June 17th, 2007, 10:58 PM

School 1967 vs. 2007

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1967 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1967 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1967 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, and goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant nest.

1967 - Ants die.

2007 - Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, Homeland Security and the FBI are called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated; Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Heather. Heather hugs him to comfort him.

1967 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Heather is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

narf poit chez BOOM

June 18th, 2007, 05:04 AM

There is some truth there.

The simple fact is, people are a lot less trusting today. But much of that mistrust is not earned.

Let me put it bluntly: Most of the world doesn't care enough about you to try to rip you off. Sit on the side of the road with a flat tire and eventually someone will help.

Of course, if everyone goes around mistrusting everybody, less people help with flat tires.

Which means that more people mistrust other people.

Interesting, isn't it?

Randallw

June 18th, 2007, 07:28 AM

narf poit chez BOOM said:
Let me put it bluntly: Most of the world doesn't care enough about you to try to rip you off.

Generally one philosophical discussion at a time is enough for me but I see an error in your statement.

If they don't care enough to rip you off then concurrently they won't care enough to want to help.

The problem I see with modern society is people are so self centred and obsessed with their own comfort and appetites, the so called me generation, they don't have time to work together to advance society as a whole.

capnq

June 18th, 2007, 08:42 AM

IMO it's quite poor form to hijack a jokes thread for a political rant, even if I agree with the sentiments.

Randallw

June 18th, 2007, 09:58 AM

oh sorry, I was just replying to Narf. We have a similar discussion in another thread.

Renegade 13

June 18th, 2007, 06:16 PM

Apologies in advance to any blonde women who read this forum!

The blind man...
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Renegade 13

June 18th, 2007, 06:18 PM

California DRIVER'S TEST

For those of you who are not "fortunate" (mmm.....not the word I would use) enough to live in California ,here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam.

Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in California , you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the California area.

2007 CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION

Name: ___________________ Stage Name:__________________
Agent: ___________________ Attorney:____________________
Therapist's Name: _________________

Sex: [ ] Male [ ] Female* [ ] Formerly Male [ ] Formerly Female [ ] Both

*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? [ ] Yes [ ] No

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
If you don't own a cell phone, please explain why you don't:
_______________________________________________ (Use extra pages, if necessary)

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead [ ] Other ___________

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[X] Talking on the phone (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Lifting weights
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / reloading

Please indicate how many times, while driving, you expect to:
[ ] a) Shoot at other drivers ___
[ ] b) Be shot at ___

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
[ ] a) Call the police to report the crime.
[ ] b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase.
[ ] c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for your 911 call not going through.
[ ] d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should:
[ ] a) Stop your car.
[ ] b) Keep driving and hope for the best.
[ ] c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
[ ] d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4.

In the instance of rain, you should:
[ ] a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
[ ] b) Drive twice as fast as usual.
[ ] c) You're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate your current number of therapy sessions per week: ________

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
[ ] a) Prozac
[ ] b) Zovirax
[ ] c) Lithium
[ ] d) Zanax
[ ] e) Valium
[ ] f) Medical pot
[ ] g) Zoloft
[ ] h) All of the above
[ ] i) None of the above*
* If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
[ ] a) Less than 1 hour*
[ ] b) 1 hour
[ ] c) 2 hours
[ ] d) 3 hours
[ ] e) 4 hours or more
* If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.

When stopped by police, you should:
[ ] a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
[ ] b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the freeway.
[ ] c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit profit.

Which part of your car will wear out first?
[ ] a) The wiper blades
[ ] b) The seat belts
[ ] c) The horn

Automatic door locks are good for:
[ ] a) Security
[ ] b) Convenience
[ ] c) Messing with the heads of people trying to get in.

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
[ ] a) Dark, poorly lit roads
[ ] b) Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
[ ] c) Revenge

If you are over the age of 75, you do not have to complete this test; you are entitled to drive even if you cannot see, hear, or move.

Renegade 13

June 18th, 2007, 06:21 PM

capnq said:
IMO it's quite poor form to hijack a jokes thread for a political rant, even if I agree with the sentiments.

Who, me? That was meant to be the joke, no political rant intended.

Narf said:
Sit on the side of the road with a flat tire and eventually someone will help.

Not always true. I had a flat tire a couple weeks ago, and spent 2.5 hours on the side of the road trying to replace it (the old tire was rust-welded to the axel)...and not a single person stopped. Hundreds of vehicles passed, not a single one stopped. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/Injured.gif

narf poit chez BOOM

June 18th, 2007, 07:14 PM

I've seen people stop to help others.

Renegade 13

June 19th, 2007, 05:19 PM

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

===============

Worm Demonstration
A priest decides to demonstrate virtue with four earthworms. At the beginning of his sermon, he places the first into a jar of whiskey, the second into a jar of tobacco, the third into a jar of deep fryer grease, and the fourth into a jar of dirt. At the end of the sermon, the worm in the whiskey is DEAD! The worm in the tobacco is DEAD! The worm in the grease is DEAD! The worm in the dirt is alive and happy. The priest asks the congregation, "what can we conclude from this demonstration?"

Little Johnny yells from the back, "As long as we continue to drink, smoke, and eat fried foods, we'll never get worms!"

===============

(No offense intended to anyone of the following national groups...it's just so funny I had to share http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif )

Terror Alert
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross " Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Glyn

June 20th, 2007, 11:21 AM

Renegade 13 said:
I had a flat tire a couple weeks ago, and spent 2.5 hours on the side of the road trying to replace it (the old tire was rust-welded to the axel)...and not a single person stopped. Hundreds of vehicles passed, not a single one stopped. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/Injured.gif

Obviously you were not wearing a dress and high heel shoes!

AgentZero

June 20th, 2007, 05:12 PM

Obviously you were not wearing a dress and high heel shoes!

Funny story, the last time I had a flat, I was wearing a dress & high heels and no one stopped for me either.

Renegade 13

June 20th, 2007, 06:13 PM

Glyn said:
Obviously you were not wearing a dress and high heel shoes!

Ah yes, that must have been the issue!

Come to think of it, I may not have stopped for me either; whereas a woman in dress and high-heels...damn right I'd stop! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif

Glyn

June 21st, 2007, 10:45 AM

So, AgentZero were there any car wrecks? Are you going to tell the funny story or leave us wondering?

narf poit chez BOOM

June 22nd, 2007, 01:24 PM

I present One of the most absurd fanfics ever. (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3139112/1/)

The best part is, it was written that way, so you don't have to shudder at horrid writing.

narf poit chez BOOM

June 23rd, 2007, 07:34 PM

Dork Tower and one of the worst puns EVER! (http://archive.gamespy.com/comics/dorktower/archive.asp?nextform=viewcomic&id=1261)

Randallw

June 24th, 2007, 01:17 AM

Well the other day I went up the mountain with my nephew so he could play in the snow. Someone else had already built a snowman so while my nephew played, his mother and grandmother watched him, I stuck two more arms on the snowman. I couldn't give him any hands but at least he had four arms http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

narf poit chez BOOM

July 13th, 2007, 09:29 PM

Finally! A horoscope I can get behind! The Daily Humorscope (http://humorscope.com/)

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you.

AngleWyrm

July 24th, 2007, 11:21 PM

Parrot teaching a girl to speak (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMx10BUgzEM) (youtube)

narf poit chez BOOM

October 2nd, 2007, 10:29 PM

Sheldon: The Daily Comic Strip (http://www.sheldoncomics.com/archive/070929.html) - Ranges from sarcastic to sardonic to bitter frosting on a cup of bitter with bitter sprinkles to lighthearted - All without changing tone.

And it's hilarious.

narf poit chez BOOM

October 10th, 2007, 12:37 AM

Someone had a lot of free time. A LOT of free time. (http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/rube-goldberg/amazing-rube-goldberg-machine-goes-on-and-on-does-nothing-305606.php)

narf poit chez BOOM

October 26th, 2007, 09:53 PM

In a grey, dank, dusty dungeon, a lever is thrown. Lights begin to glow, machinery begins to crank, electricity begins to spark through various apparatus.

As a platform begins to ascend toward a hole in the ceiling, to be exposed to the elements, an insane, cackling voice shrieks..."Live! Liiive!! LIIIIIVVE!!!"

Are you a programmer? = Is this funny? (http://blogs.msdn.com/etayrien/archive/2007/04/06/optimizing-for-readability.aspx)

In the distance, lightning crashes...

And a Japanese Rube Goldberg machine, for the non-programmers... (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kvdq8cRNBM)

Randallw

October 26th, 2007, 10:18 PM

I'm sort of a programmer but I can't see the joke http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/frown.gif

For me a programming joke is the word OB-GYN.

as for the Japanese thing. I can't watch it. I admire alot about Japan but their level of enthusiasm is annoying.

narf poit chez BOOM

October 26th, 2007, 11:17 PM

Well, the first funny is the simplicity of the solution; the second funny is the simplicity of the second solution. It's contrast.

...And my sense of humour can be obscure, anyway. Plus, I'd been mixing both solutions without ever considering whether I should stick with just one.

narf poit chez BOOM

October 27th, 2007, 03:56 AM

Actual qoute from Visual Studio Express documentation: 'Gets or sets a value used to determine how much bias can be applied to coplanar primitives to reduce flimmering z-fighting. The default is 0.'

Thus proving that wierd words are alive and well in the land of code.

narf poit chez BOOM

October 27th, 2007, 04:18 AM

This one is rated "Was still laughing when I started typing": Wake Up (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3S4hNMqDhoo)

Suicide Junkie

October 27th, 2007, 11:41 AM

Found in a database design spec:
<font class="small">Code:</font><hr /><pre>Boolean status { User Station Status
0 = unavailable
1 = unavailable}</pre><hr />

narf poit chez BOOM

October 27th, 2007, 11:52 AM

Knowing the sense of humour a programmer can get, that may well have been deliberate.

narf poit chez BOOM

December 8th, 2007, 04:48 AM

Fear me, for I have meandered back to the Baen Humor forum...

Subject: Groaners
Group: Humor
Author: sanford
Date: Fri, 07 Dec 2007 16:00:58 GMT
Local: Fri, 07 Dec 2007 11:00:58 -0500

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

2. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

3. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

4. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

5. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

6. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

7. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

8. After the petty thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

9. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

10. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

11 When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

12. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

13. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

14. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

15. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

16. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

17. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

18. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

19. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

22. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

23. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

24. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

25. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

26. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

27. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

28. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

29. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

30. A calendar's days are numbered.

31. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

32. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

33. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

34. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

35. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

36. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

37. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

38. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

39. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

40. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Subject: Letter to Senator
Group: Humor
Author: sanford
Date: Fri, 07 Dec 2007 15:58:11 GMT
Local: Fri, 07 Dec 2007 10:58:11 -0500

The Honorable (senator)

Hart Senate Office Building

Phone (202) 224 xxxx

Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator ,

As a native Iowan and generous contributor to the Internal Revenue Service,

I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is correct, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine.

Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005. Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.

Thank you for your assistance.

Warning: The following may be grossly offensive to certain people.

Subject: requirements to be a full fledged liberal
Group: Humor
Author: sanford
Date: Fri, 07 Dec 2007 15:51:14 GMT
Local: Fri, 07 Dec 2007 10:51:14 -0500

1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. Nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach fourth graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but �activists� who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make "The Passion of the Christ" for financial gain only.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Edison, and A.G. Bell.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democrat Party funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.

21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.

22. You have to believe that it's okay to give federal workers the day off on Christmas Day but it's not okay to say "Merry Christmas".

ubject: T'was the Night Before Christmas : The Insured Version
Group: Humor
Author: Flyfishing
Date: Fri, 07 Dec 2007 14:36:36 GMT
Local: Fri, 07 Dec 2007 09:36:36 -0500

T'was the night before Christmas (12:01 A.M. 12/25) and all through the
house (single family, joisted masonry, EC3, Territory 44, PC 5) Not a
creature was stirring not even a mouse (vermin exclusion applies.)

The (flame retardant?) stockings were hung by the (contractor installed?)
chimney with care in hopes that St. Nicholas would soon be there (in
spite of dead-bolt locks central station alarm system, fenced & lighted
yard)

The children (ages 4,8,14 & 16) were all nestled snug in their beds
(check MVR on 16 year old) While visions of sugar plums danced in their
heads (also check for drug use.)

Mama in her kerchief (a scheduled heirloom) and I in my cap had just
settled down for a long winters nap (disability claim? insured sleeping all day?)

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter (check into condition of
premises, housekeeping etc), I jumped out of bed to see what was the
matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters
(intentional destructive act - no coverage) and threw up the sash . (As
far as we know, insured only wearing a cap in front of uncovered window
- criminal intentional act - no coverage applies)

What to my wondering eyes should appear But a miniature sleigh and 8
tiny reindeer (note: check if sleigh rated business use and corporate
owned, verify rated "long haul"). With a little old driver, so lively
and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick (verify coverage for 600 year old driver; notify life underwriter for possible rating).

More rapid than eagles (check MVR for speeding violations) his coursers
they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name (possible
aggressive driver?):

Now Dasher (turbo equipped?) now Dancer (classic?) now Prancer (check
lifestyle) now Vixen (definitely check lifestyle),
On Comet (possible muscle deer) on Cupid (lifestyle again) on Donner
(4x4) and Blitzen (possible DUI problem?)

To the top of the porch to the top of the wall (check for structural
damage also look into height exposures and required railings), Now dash
away, dash away, dash away all. (check also old man climbing walls either in
great shape or overly medicated?)

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew (aircraft products &
grounding exclusion applies), with the sleigh full of toys and St. Nicholas too
(hazardous activity - consider key-man life policy).

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof the prancing and pawing of
each little hoof (check for shingle damage; also classification of
operations, roofing is a prohibited class). As I drew in my head and was
turning around, down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound (soot
scrubbed by Santa suit, chimney annual servicing requirement is
fulfilled).

He was dressed all in fur (scheduled items) from his head to his foot
and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot (not a named
peril; no coverage applies) A bundle of toys he had flung on his back (Check to see if insured has safety committee, check lifting training) And he looked like
a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes how they twinkled, His dimples how merry, His cheeks were like
roses, His nose like cherry (suspected DUI issues from commiserating
with Blitzen).

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth (tobacco user - surcharge
premium) And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath (check
batteries in smoke alarms to make sure operational). He was chubby and
plump, a right jolly old elf (overweight for height) And I laughed when
I saw him in spite of myself.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head soon gave me to know I had
nothing to dread (stranger enters home without triggering alarm and
insured not worried?? Possible moral exposure here). He spoke not a word, but
went straight to his work, And filled all the stockings; then turned
with a jerk (review workplace for ergonomic compliance). And laying his
finger aside of his nose (obscene gesture/road rage?) And giving a nod,
up the chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all
flew like the down of a thistle (not likely with fat man and sleigh full of toys. Check GVW for proper classification, Light/Service/Local seems unlikely).

But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight, "Merry Christmas to
all, and to all a good night!" (Check hours of operation, 24 hour
service operations prohibited. Also check into seasonal nature of
business).

Happy Holidays!