Forum Chat Bar & Grill

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

God? I play dice with God..... for fun. I can travel between universes and even dimensions. Plus, we have Jack Simth.

Oh and btw, God always loses when we play dice..... I hear he practices a lot, but he can't devote much of his free time to practice since some guy named Einstein rants at him contonuously saying he should stop.

[NullAshton]

O.o

We could just have a ground campain, with much more BLAM!

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Or an orbital plasma carpet-bombing like the last time, with more.....

zzzzhhiiiiiiiIIIIIIIINGBOOOM

as the plasma bombs fall.

edit: repaired mispeled end bolt kode.

[NullAshton]

Hmmm...

[Puke]

puke raps on the table where he is sitting, and a FBW scurries off to fetch him another pint of Spaten.

"you know, i dont think these Won-Ton chaps appreciate cartoon violence, creative writing, and the obsolecense of technological destructive devices.

"You see, missiles, nukes, orbital bombardment, and assorted sundry methods of mass destruction just dont work here." puke muses as another orbital plasma bolt is fired from one of SIU's warships, dispersing harmlessly in the magical aura about the Cantina. "Theres no trumping here, so pull that poker out of Ashton's tooshie, and throw a creampie."

And with that final remark, puke downs his pint, slams the glass on the table, produces a high caliber Thompson Contender by legerdomain, and procedes to blow a six-inch hole in SIU's chest.

The gaping wound splatters GT a bit, whom had been standing on the other side of him at the time, and dripps a little on the floor. SIU's blinks at the cavernous hole in his chest, but is otherwise unaffected by the trauma.

puke puts his Tompson away, and raps on the table for another pint of Spaten.

"Now you see how a pie would have been more effective, as at least you would have been temporarily blinded by the cream in your eyes. Go get a mop, son. You're leaking on the floor."

[NullAshton]

I am safe, and untouched by GrowlTigger...

[Raging Deadstar]

NullAshton said:
I am safe, and untouched by GrowlTigger...



Perhaps...

RD welcomes the return to the natural order and winds up a small jack in the box between his hands. It plays a musical ditty, shudders and launches a spring loaded boxing glove at ashtons face. The actual impact is shrouded by the gigantic colourful letters of "BLAM!"

[NullAshton]

Wow, that must have went a long way to go all the way into space...

[mac5732]

The great Furry one is Back . (about time you feline we missed you and your red hot poker http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif )

Mac watches his essance as it continues to cling to one of the leaders of the insideious Won Ton Joint down the street. It appears that the anatamy under the ooozzze is starting to shimmer, shake and smoke .... little did those of little understanding in the Won Ton know of the disabased power that lays in hiding within the confines of this illustrious and mysterious cantina. Nor have they yet realized the full wrath of the furry one and his murderous minions of anguish.

(Glad to hear that the Mrs and little Miss are doing well, Spoiled by the big kat I'll bet http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif )

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

The gaping hole in Strategia's chest closes itself. The bits and pieces of him crawled back to him over the floor (but the ones on GT's suit remained fimrly where they are). His eyes begin to glow eerily, a circular breeze blows around him suddenly and he levitates himself into the air.

With a resounding voice, he speaks.

"Fools! You should know better than to assault me, who toys with God for fun! Let the wrath of all dimensions fall upon....." *COUGH COUGH HACK COUGH*

Coughing loudly, he drops to the floor. His eyes are normal again, and the breeze has died.

"Sorry..... breathed in a dust bunny."

[NullAshton]

I have none of Mac's essence on me...

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

I never said you did.

[NullAshton]

No, the other people...

[RudyHuxtable]

Hmmmm, well, gentlemen, we've got the recipes, we've stolen the deed to the B&G...

It looks like we've won, but now we need a new enemy. What good ultra-dimensional take out joint doesn't have a nemesis? Hurry! Find us cannon fodder!

[NullAshton]

Hmmm... We could just relax for a while...

[RudyHuxtable]

Well, only for an ice cream, then back to the conquest for all of the dessert recipes in the known universe.

[NullAshton]

My troops are already doing so.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Am currently busy drawing up an outline for the Armistice to end this war. Hmmm..... unconditional surrender has a nice ring to it don't you think?

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

The Official Armistice and Terms of Surrender for the Bar & Grill.

(note: please ignore the sections of text which have been removed, I had to start somewhere and there was a previous version of this document)

[Puke]

Joint_Chief_SI_Ultima said:
note: please ignore the sections of text which have been removed



well thats fairly easy to do, but i dont think we are prepared to accept your unconditional surrender. the massive cost of cultural re-education of your citizenry is too much for our humble little bar and grill to take on.

so you will have to find someone more gullible to surrender to. we wont bear the cost of your upkeep. perhaps you should try mothballing your surpluss population?

in the meantime, try not to let the parking valet bite your arse on the way back to your spaceships.

[Power Man]

Power Man walks into the Bar and Grill. Hi everyone. I am back with More Goodies. Boy I just went by the Hut. Whew it looks like the Hut took a Hit. Its looks and smells worst that someting Puke would puke up!! (No Offence Puke.)
Say does anyone know were I can get some more of thoes fake Deeds to the Bar and Grill GT was handing out? You know the ones that promise in the fine print "Good for one Durty Deed by GT".

By the way if anyone askes I have been here ALL day..

[Alneyan]

Raging Deadstar said:
He is undefeated and unrivalled. The King of the Hill.



King of the Hill is a registered trademark of mine. Please comply with the Ordinance 3B.7 about the illegal use of trademarks, or else!


and he's british, In Yankee terms that just means "Evil!"



I shall give an unbiased opinion on the matter: RD is quite correct. However, it appears Growltigger is no longer the fearsome being he used to be. Gardening and chastity are very nice, but there seems to be something lacking: wickedness, perfidy, and other assorted pastimes. You should give him a peptalk RD, as otherwise... who knows what will happen to Growltigger and all his grandeur?

*Walks away shuddering at the thought of a mild, tamed Growltigger: the symbol of the Cantina gone! Where is this world heading for!

[Power Man]

Say GT, I happen to have something I think you can use in your garden. I have some of those Tigga Lillies from the old Cantina. You know the ones with the orange and black stripes. The ones armed with teeth and claw like thorns.
They are nice when they are small but WATCH out.

Put some of these in your garden and you won't have to chuck bricks at the squirrels, The Lillies will EAT them.

I can bring in a few starts next week...

[Puke]

im not sure about the forged deeds, but be cautious about those dessert recipies. They have some secret secretions from Tesco's special stash.

Regarding the mild and tamed GT, im afraid that he did not mention that his gardening involved carniverous fauna and man-eating petunias. steer clear of the pansies with teeth, they're just waiting for an unsuspecting yank to bring his nose too close.

fortuneatly, this sticky pile of regergitated yank is not so easily lured by hostile limey botany. just watch your fingers near the window-boxes.

Dont forget, he's still a barrister. there is no disguising the inner evil, there.

edit: dog! how many seconds did you beat me to the punch by? you carniverous-plant post subverting cur!

[Power Man]

Sorry Puke. But Tigga Lillies is an idea from way back. I think is was one, or two threads ago the Cantina had a small fountain in a coutyard. To brighten up the place I planted some plain Lillies. In an act of cartoon PUNisment they transformed into Tigga Lillies. They started off small and pretty. They had small teath and fuzzy stems. They had small claws on their leaves. They would purr and go meow when you petted them.

Later on they got big and would tend to take your hand, and any other body part, that got too close off.
Funny I thik GT liked them Better that way.

Oh the memories......

[Puke]

well, bring some back then. I think they would go swimmingly in a hanging planter.

[Raging Deadstar]

Alneyan said:
King of the Hill is a registered trademark of mine. Please comply with the Ordinance 3B.7 about the illegal use of trademarks, or else!



I feel Un-nerved by the prospect you used the term Ordinance in that phrase /threads/images/Graemlins/Cold.gif

As for GT being tamer? He just quite happily dired a red-hot poker up someone's, to quote red-dwarf, "jacksy!" He has admitted to being a rugby fan, playing Rome: Total War and throwing bricks at squirrels. If I recall the guy works in the Legal Profession and I believe lives in Manchester. Also read his posts, he really didn't try and spare any of Ashton's ego now did he? I don't think we need to worry about him ever going "soft" in his older age.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

No he's already gone soft.....


Puke said:

Joint_Chief_SI_Ultima said:
note: please ignore the sections of text which have been removed



well thats fairly easy to do, but i dont think we are prepared to accept your unconditional surrender. the massive cost of cultural re-education of your citizenry is too much for our humble little bar and grill to take on.

so you will have to find someone more gullible to surrender to. we wont bear the cost of your upkeep. perhaps you should try mothballing your surpluss population?

in the meantime, try not to let the parking valet bite your arse on the way back to your spaceships.



Don't worry Puke, your valet Barry has been dispatched already by several flights of Mover replicas.

And as for the terms of surrender,..... well, for one, WE beat the living CRAP out of YOU. You have perhaps not read the Armistice terms that thouroughly? And as for our citizens..... we have none. The only people we control are military personnel, and they would rather drink hydrochloric acid than undergo "cultural re-education" by your "professionals".

Oh and one more thing..... you liked Cartoon Violence, you said?

Strategia pulls out a remote control and rewinds the events to the point where Puke just uttered the above nonsense. Strategia then goes on to pull out a rather well-polished rocket launcher.

Puke: "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Stategia still fires a Hygiene Missile at the Yank (btw, did you know that name came originated thanks to the Dutch inhabitants of New York? in its most pure form.

Puke: "Nooo!!!!! Aaaaaahhh! It burns! It burns! Get it off!....."

Puke's voice dies away as the Hygiene effects start to make him disappear bit by half-digested bit. Eventually, all that's left of Puke is a rather well-polished spot of floorspace.

[NullAshton]

Ashton's velociraptoid troops blast open the door, and open fire on the inhabitants of the B&G with anti-proton blasters. Several random people are promptly disintergrated into a mass of energy, electrons, and neutrons.

Several of StrategiaInUltima's capship forces go through the lines of Ashton's troops, taking the attacks from the now frenzied bar.

Leave no survivors!

[Alneyan]

Actually, there was a mistake in my post RD. I am supposed to take care of the ordnance that will be delivered against anyone using my registered trademark (fully mine after the... cancellation of Asmala); the ordinance will be left to lawyers and other friends working in the field of law. Of course, don't even think I will sue you under British law: it shall be French law, as I won't venture initiating any lawsuit in American territory. So beware RD! I am not a Minbari to trifle with!

There is nothing "evil" with playing Rome Total War though (well, except leading players to consider solving all problems with a legion or three). Actually, Growltigger appears to be more reluctant to enter open defiance of the "Fell Witch Queen of Angmar", even to watch rugby... I tell you, something is afoot RD! It clearly smells of a plot of some sort.

*Notices the "lives in Manchester" part, in a post dedicated to proving that Grolwtigger is inherently evil* Something to keep track of for the future invasion of Albion. But I shouldn't leave my schemes in the open.

[mac5732]

the old one watches as the goon squad from the Won Take out, come strolling into the good old respectable B&G. He smiles as he fingers the switch in his hand. He waits, yes he waits, until the whole group is in the middle of the dance floor. He grins and hits the switch...... Immediatly the Won T goons are plastered from all directions with cream pies, followed by the ceiling opening over their heads and huge sticky, gooey, goobs of chocolate washes over their entire anatamys. Then as the screaming and yelling commence. The wize one pushes another button, another opening opens under their feet plummeting their torsos into a gaping hidden room below. Then, out of the hidden doorways, the FBWs come running out carring and dragging huge berlap sack to the edge of the abyss. They open up the sacks and tons of goose, chicken and duck feathers float furiously down into the confines below. Un-printable epitaphs are heard screeching from below. The smiling old one, talks into his hidden cell phone, and suddenly fresh cries of anquish are heard from the pit. A ladder is inserted into the pit and the entire good squad comes rushing up sqawking and sputtering all covered with chocolate, cream pie and feathers from head to toe, They immediatly run out the door and into the parking lot where Barry the T-Rex and his apostles are waiting with new torments for their hidiously covered bodies. They scream, and words like revenge are heard, The wize one just smiles and looks at the fax machine printing on his table. Low and behold there they are in high definition, glossy 8x10s of their fall from fame all covered in feathers and goo. The old one smiles, He proceeds to put postage on all the envelopes which contain copies of their pics. They are sent to all members of the forum... Soon hilarious laughter is heard around the globe... Oh and in their haste they appeared to have dropped all types of paper work, including the false deeds that GT had corrigably put in the areas where the gullible Won Ton group found them and thought they had put one over on them.. Well, that is not the case, in fact the signed papers that contained their signatures after putting them under an ultra violet light, showed that their signatures instead were on papers that turned over the Won Ton to the memberes of the B&G. The printing disappeared and in its place was the true printing, stating that the Won Ton is hereby certified and given tax free and without cost to the B&G http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

The wize one smiles and puts an add in all the local papers for new employees of the Won Ton http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif

[Puke]

Mac is a good man and leads by example, but it doesnt seem like its getting through to you kids. The B&G has rules, and youre arseing them up. It goes like this:

you cant permenently destroy the place. you cant permenantly kill people. you can but should not speak for others. whenever possible, depreciate yourself instead of smiting the other guy. Those are the Foundation. in the years that this place has been operating, prohibitions against specific 'cheesy' trumping techniques like clones, time travel, and nuclear weapons have come into play. those dont bear going over in detail.

The point is, that this place is an excercise in creative writing. this place is NOT an excercise in who can dream up the biggest gun, and declare the other guy dead.

So in essesnce, you can come in here, create a whirlwhind of posts about how you kill several people whom are not even present at the time (poor GT...) and generally destroy the whole place, but we dont have to play along with you.

and if you havent gotten it, were not playing along with you. So go back to your kiddie-violence shack, and leave the friendly hostility to the pro's.

[AgentZero]

Agent Zero walks in, for once managing to do so with style and grace, and applauds Puke's fine words.

"Well said, my good man, well said. After all, how can total annihilation ever hope to compete with degredation and humiliation? The latter are just more fun."

With that, Agent Zero pulls out his Custard-Pie Repeating Rifle and advances into the bar. He pats Puke reassuringly on the shoulder, wipes the ick off on Renegade, then grabs StrategianInUltima by the scruff of the neck, bends him over a bar stool, yanks down his pants and shoves his Custard-Pie Rifle firmly up Strategian's rectum.

"This," -he says as he flicks the weapon over to Full Automatic- "ought to be interesting." He then hauls back on the trigger and the sound of pasteries impacting the colon at high velocity fills the room. Eventually, Agent Zero relents, though not before custard has begun to leak from Stratigan's ears. Zero cleans off his gun, tucks it back into his coat and pulls up SIU's pants before letting him drop to the floor, where he lies quivering, numbed by the mortification that has just befallen him. Agent Zero reaches the door, pulls it open, then stops and turns around.

"Oh, and Strategian, I left ants in your pants," [/i] he says before disappearing into the night.

And then the screaming began....

[Puke]

"Well, that certainly seems a bit like overkill, but i'm not going to be the one to stand in the way of an Irishman with a pie-launcher."

puke grabs a jar of gherkins from the bar, and pours the entire countents into his gullet. with a room-shaking convulsion, he bealches the little things out onto the floor where they begin crawling about under their own power, and newly bestowed with sentience.

Tossing a fistfull of sword and spear shaped swizzle sticks to his newly formed Gherkin Army, puke decrees "Go forth my minions, and rid this place of our foes!"

after which the armed and militant Gherkins begin madly scrambling up chair legs, stool legs, and pant legs, and stabbing random patrons in the posterior. After a couple winces of pain, Mac looks positively annoyed. Powerman wonders why a small pickle is poking his armor with a piece of plastic.

"not quite as sentient as i hoped they would be..." complains puke, meekly.

[Alneyan]

I am highly disappointed Puke, truly I am. You forgot the nearly ritual "Moderate me down with a 1" message in closure of your post about the rules of the Cantina. I require you to add this phrase, in remembrance of the past!

We cannot actually rate you now though, but we can still give you a rating in our signatures, or mount a lobby to allow users to rate Puke. Therefore, the Association for the Moderation (or Lack Thereof) of Puke has been created on this very day, and shall strive to allow users to show whether they think Puke must be moderated.

This message was brought to you by the Committee for Nonsensical Silliness.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

A strange looking, silver-and-blue robot drone hovers into the B&G and proceeds to hang motionlessly in the air just out of range of all weapons present in the room. Pie Launchers, Gherking Artillery, Poker Launchers et al try to reach the 'bot but only go on to display how marvellously a chocolate pie can follow a ballistic trajectory before exploding in somebody's face.

Several speakers open up.

"Attention Minions and Assorted General Goons of the Forum Chat Bar & Grill.

This message has been sent to you via TransGalactical Courier services. Message sent by Strategia In Ultima.

You keep trying to make the Won-Ton Hut look silly. This is very childish, not to mention highly enjoyable to read. Please refrain from shooting pies, hot pokers, gherkins or whatever sentient or non-sentient foodstuffs or other assorted comic weaponry up people's lower ends, or repercussions WILL follow.

I am currently drawing up plans for comic retribution.

Be warned.

Thank you for listening to this message. Have a nice day."

The drone hovers out again, leaving the silent collection of people/things staring after it, while cleanerbots come to wipe the foodstuffs off everybody's face and suit.

[AgentZero]

The fabric of space time quivers, twists, and splits open, and something emerges in orbit. Moving at incredible speed it races towards one of the many fleets circling Sol III. The commander of one of SIU's COMCA's barely has enough time to utter the words "What the hell is that?" before the largest custard pie in the history of the galaxy covers his mighty ship with sticky goo.

Somewhere, deep within the many sub-basements of the Malfador offices, Agent Zero rolls about on the floor, laughing hysterically. Suddenly, he stops, sits up and stares soberly at David.

"What have I done? How the heck am I gonna top that one?"

[Puke]

Alneyan said:
I am highly disappointed Puke, truly I am. You forgot the nearly ritual "Moderate me down with a 1" message in closure of your post about the rules of the Cantina. I require you to add this phrase, in remembrance of the past!

We cannot actually rate you now though, but we can still give you a rating in our signatures, or mount a lobby to allow users to rate Puke. Therefore, the Association for the Moderation (or Lack Thereof) of Puke has been created on this very day, and shall strive to allow users to show whether they think Puke must be moderated.

This message was brought to you by the Committee for Nonsensical Silliness.



I didnt forget, they just took the rating system away. If it was still possible for me to be moderated to a 1, I'd be all over it. As it is, we will have to add a pS atribute to the SE4 code or something:

pS: puke SUCKS
-- im a masohcist, and i like reading his inane banter
- actually, i usually feel better after throwing up
0 i usually just ignore him
+ boy, he sure does suck
++ god i hate that guy. i just keep him on /ignore
+++ hes not even worth the time to murder, if i ever met his worthless self
! he sucks most of the time, but sometimes its funny when he's drunk

[Alneyan]

Maybe they can give you a rating by tweaking their database, or enable the whole ratings only for yourself? But aye, putting the Puke question in the Geek code seems the best solution. Hmm, do I have some room in my signature for that question...

[Raging Deadstar]

How About:

--! I'm a masochist, And I like reading his inane banter, But it's really funny when he's drunk.

That should be added to the SE4 Code me thinks, "Have you ever posted Drunk on A SEIV related Forum?"

[Puke]

curse you, deadstar! no more encouraging people to listen to me!

"Kill the goth rocker!" orders puke, and a hoard of militant gherkins let loose a squeaky little warcry. a hundred little pickels charge Raging Deadstar with their swizzlesticks.

Deadstar looks slightly distrubed, but not really worried at all. puke wishes he had a more fearsome army, like the old loo-pygmies.

actually, I think the easiest solution would be for DG to add four empty stars with one little half-star to my avatar. that would be even LOWER than the previous possible moderation level.

and much more satisfying since, despite repeated attempts, i never managed to get below three.

[Raging Deadstar]

I've learned something today.

Don't read Puke's Posts on a slow Sunday Afternoon, whilst listening to Bill Hicks. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

RD looks down at the hoardes of incoming Gherkins and looks around for someone who actually likes to eat those useless Vegetables http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif

[Suicide Junkie]

Say what ever happened to the original Phong's Head? Is it still around on a wall somewhere?

[Raging Deadstar]

Suicide Junkie said:
Say what ever happened to the original Phong's Head? Is it still around on a wall somewhere?



If I recall it used to say "The Door is Ajar" every 5 minutes, I believe it should still be up somewhere.

Yeah, I can remember that. Just wait until I need to recall something very important... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

[NullAshton]

Ashton lets the B&G patrons just duke it out.

[Puke]

Raging Deadstar said:

Suicide Junkie said:
Say what ever happened to the original Phong's Head? Is it still around on a wall somewhere?



If I recall it used to say "The Door is Ajar" every 5 minutes, I believe it should still be up somewhere.

Yeah, I can remember that. Just wait until I need to recall something very important... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif



No, no. That was the decapitated Geoschmo head that we lobotomized and put the processor of a Nissan Z where the brain used to be. We might need to lop the noggin off of a new phong.

puke eyes Ashton for phong-like qualities

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

[i]A massive disturbance is detected at the edge of the Sol system. An object enters through a massive warp point. The Hut fleets move away, and let the giant 50-million-kilometer custard rod (which astonishingly has the exact diameter as the B&G!) pass into the atmosphere.

The custard rod hits the B&G and splatters it with custard of the approximate pressure of the core of a red giant sun. The custard drives intself into the very subatomic particles of everyone and everything inside the B&G.

The new B&G Custardians are then taken aboard a transport craft and taken to refugee camps all over the world to serve as food.....

and here you go around saying I'm not compassionate and I'm not skilled in cartoon warfare!

Oh and AZ, consider yourself beat. And Custardian.

[NullAshton]

Good thing my troops pulled out.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Yes..... especially since they'd be partly custard by now.

Not only are the B&G folks impregnated (or whatever's the correct translation for "geimpregneerd") with custard, the custard has entered their very subatomic structures. They ARE partly custard.

[NullAshton]

No, they are CUSTARD.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Approximately 80%, yes. But there's still 20% left of their original selves - no, wait, that's not right. They've kept their original selves, but gained the 80% custard.

And currently they're being shipped to refugee camps for hundreds of thousands of hungering refugees. Ain't I nice to people?

[NullAshton]

Everybody wins! Except, of course, the B&G patrons.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

But that's the whole point isn't it.....

[NullAshton]

Yes.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Latest Updates: RD has arrived at a camp in Darfur, the refugees thank him for coming then started eating.

Hmmm..... KanesS anyone?

[Raging Deadstar]

Joint_Chief_SI_Ultima said:
Latest Updates: RD has arrived at a camp in Darfur, the refugees thank him for coming then started eating.

Hmmm..... KanesS anyone?



I hope you payed a ton on shipping for me! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif I only weigh 55kg's, Those refugees are gonna be mighty annoyed at the sheer pitiful rations they're getting http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif Mutiny!

[NullAshton]

That weight was increased because of the dense custard to matter ratio.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

You're 20% yourself (i.e. the 55kgs you describe) and 80% Custard (220kgs extra), which makes you 275kgs. 220kgs of custard is a hell of a lot for starving refugees.

[NullAshton]

See? Custard to yourself ratio is off.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

What do you mean, "off"? I bought that custard fresh out of the factory! It CAN'T be off yet!

[Raging Deadstar]

RD tries to contemplate the Idea of what 275kg of custard will do to somebody, He decides it's a mentally un-kind image...

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/Sick.gif

[NullAshton]

You are now made mostly of super-dense custard.

Ashton takes a bit of custard off of Deadstar and tastes it.

Mmm, yummy!

[Suicide Junkie]

*SJ activates an SEP field around the B&G, ignores NA and his cronies, and orders another brew.

[Puke]

*sigh*

custardian puke is shipped off into space, and taken to a far away galaxy where he is served as exotic food and consumed.

in an astonishing coincidence, one of the wormholes his exotic-food-transport passed through led to a parallel dimension. The eatery that he is delivered to is The Phongs Head Bar and Grill (which DG made a nice picture of, but the Image Gallery is down and I can't find it elsewhere) in orbit of a distant star.

the person that consumes the exotic custardian is Mac and, when he realizes what foul putresence he has just quaffed, he vomits. and thus puke is reborn in this alternate reality, with all his old comrades.

and no one here has ever heard of won-ton violence. now stop trying to kill our thread.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

NEVER!!!!! WE WILL TRIUMPH!!!!!

and RD, YOU are 275kgs..... the CUSTARD itself is 220kgs.

[NullAshton]

We're not trying to kill it, just trying to destroy the B&G, and take it as our own.

[Puke]

Great. you have the bar and grill. all the patrons are custard. you won.

were now over here in another reality where you DONT EXIST.
get off our thread, you HOSERS.

[NullAshton]

As long as there is a B&G anywhere, we shall take it over.

[Puke]

My friends and patrons of the alternate-dimension Bar and Grill. I should inform you that there is a hostile entity in another universe that might try to come here and ruin our fun.

You can prevent him from existing, by using this link

Ignore Ashton (http://www.shrapnelcommunity.com/threads/toggleignore.php?Cat=&User=6400&Board=UBB23&Number =342247&what=showflat&page=0&view=collapsed&sb=5&o =)

or clicking on his Forum Handle to view his profile, and using the IGNORE THIS USER option. I highly encourage you to do so.

Also, feel free to do this to me, if you tire of my witless banter. And email a moderator to ask them to enable you to moderate me to a 1.

[NullAshton]

What the heck does moderate me to a 1 mean?

[Alneyan]

The ignoring feature is a bit lacking though: you still see that the ignored user has posted, so you may still feel the urge of checking out what they did post. I require the power to fully ignore someone... and, incidentally, the power of highlight specific posts, such as Puke's (I belonged to the nasty folks who moderated up with a five. Had you asked me to give you a five, I would have made an effort. I guess).

Moderating Puke with a 1 merely meant giving him a rating of one, back in the days when you could rate users. I believe Puke used this phrase so that users vexer with him would thus show their annoyance, but it didn't quite work out. There is now a revival movement for that tradition, despite any technical difficulties that might arise.

[NullAshton]

Oh... So its a user ranking?

[Puke]

Alneyan said:(I belonged to the nasty folks who moderated up with a five. Had you asked me to give you a five, I would have made an effort. I guess).



you %^&*er!

[NullAshton]

Or is 1 the highest ranking?

[Raging Deadstar]

http://www.lordexecutron.com/dale/images/random/kosh.jpg

Something i just threw together in photoshop, If you don't get the hint then please submit your financial details to a Nigerian Hoax E-mail. Let's not ruin this community for the rest of people!

We asked politely, Now get outta this thread if you don't want to play along. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/yawn.gif

[NullAshton]

WE WILL NOT BE SILENCED!

[Suicide Junkie]

Frankly, I'm not surprised that people are always blocking you on IRC too.

You're a good guy, but you need to learn how to play well with others.

[NullAshton]

How about we just get the rights to all of your food recipies?

[Puke]

schaBANG!

check out my new avatar. rated half star out of four. thats even BETTER than one out of five. and my this thread feels nice with Ashton on ignore...

[Fyron]

The much sought after David Gervais rendering of the Cantina:

http://www.shrapnelcommunity.com/threads/uploads/342427-normal_Phongs%20Cantina.jpg (http://www.shrapnelcommunity.com/threads/uploads/342427-Phongs%20Cantina.jpg)

Note that clicking on the image will send you to the full sized copy.

[Suicide Junkie]

NullAshton said:
How about we just get the rights to all of your food recipies?

Unfortunately they would do no good.
Between you and Ultima, you kave killed the WV. Drowned it in Instant-messaging style posts between the two of you.

To paraphrase Monty Python, that thread is definitely deceased!

Its really too bad.

*SJ raises a glass*
A toast, to the memory of the early Won-Ton, and all of its lost potential.

[mac5732]

hey Fyron, that is a great pick of the old place, really cool looking and you can even see old Barry out there http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

[Puke]

an irate Barry bursts through the door of the cantina, outfitted with his red valet jacket and innumerable teeth. with a roar, he inquires as to exactly where puke parked, and why he didnt tip the staff.

desperatly backpeddaling, puke explains that he was shipped in as custard by a dimension-hopping transport, and that he has no ship as he was recently regergitated by a dis-satisfied custard-ingesting Mac.

Barry has none of it though, and makes as if to be using the teeth next. To puke's dismay, he has no pockets nor credits, and not even a tab in this incarnation of the Bar and Grill! "Defend me, my minions!" orders puke to his Gherkin army.

But to puke's chargin, he has no gherkins in this incarnation. Barry afixes a napkin to the collar of his valet jacket, and begins closing in with a fork and knife...

[Suicide Junkie]

Um, hey Barry. Eating that might not be healthy, you know.
Dimension-hoppers have a nasty habit of being inedible or toxic.

Tell you what, I've got a pair of Thor class fighters in the hold of my ship... Park one for Puke, there and keep the other as a tip.

*SJ then turns and shouts into the air*
"Now we're even, Barf! Stop with the trans-dimensional collect calls already!"

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Hey, I play along..... remember the Custard Bomb? It's only Ashton who's going slightly (yeah, right) mad.

As Barry the T-Rex steps outside, he finds a rather large warship with rather nasty-looking guns pointed at a rather terrified dinosaur (Barry). Suddenly, the guns start blazing.

Barry returns to the interior of the Cantina, tail drooping, covered in custard, half-melted chocolate and whipped cream.

[NullAshton]

From now on, my ships will be mounted with pie cannons.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Pie cannons, chocolate sauce launchers, applesauce torpedoes, cream seekers..... you name it, I can provide it. For free! And you get a FREE install and maintenance! And don't forget the ammo!..... your troops will love you!

[NullAshton]

Do they have meat sauce launchers?

[Puke]

if i have to scroll through half a page of ignored posts from those two jokers every time i post here, im joing to just stop coming.

then i guess they won. can we lock them out of this thread, or something?

edit: jackasses, if you have not noticed, our posts are along the lines of "i poke you in the eye, you slap me with a fish." YOUR posts are all along the lines of "i've blown up your playground, now you cant play there anymore." Take your ball and go home.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

As Puke enters the B&G, ranting at the two Joint Chiefs there present, nobody notices a small clone minion approach in the shadows.

The clone quietly sneaks up on Puke and, from behind, thrusts a rather large bunch of half-rotting Rigelian stinkfish into the slimy "body" in front of him. Knowing his task is done and his life is over, the clone jumps in after it.

Puke looks puzzled as to what has just entered his slimy..... well, the best way to describe it is "his slimy biggest blob of unidentified matter".

"And who are you to judge us by past mistakes? We learn, well at least I learn. As for Ashton, I don't know."

[Suicide Junkie]

Random cartoon violence for no good reason is not encouraged. Being an outsider and pushing it on the regulars is worse.

Just imagine if you had walked into a foreign bar and pulled the verbal equivalent of these shenanigans. The old regulars can curse each other in a friendly way because they're friends. If you start spouting off to them, you'll quickly end up in the hospital.

You gotta ease into things, man. Mellow out, and don't try to arms race into insanity. Let go of the ego, and be ready to accept defeat graciously.
Especially you, Ashton.
The more you try to force your way to the top, the less people will like you. Accepting defeat will have the opposite effect.

PS:
Even I am not really an insider yet. But I'm smart enough to know that I should keep my head down, help where I can, and enjoy the free food that occasionally gets thrown around.

PPS:
Where is that giant birthday cake I ordered for Captain Kwok?
The FBW inside can't hold her breath forever.

[NullAshton]

What about random cartoon violence because this is what this thread is about?

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Oh stuff it you big guns fanatic. Get your ships and troops away from here, return to the Won-Ton and let's call it a day. I'll be drawing up a (REAL) peace treaty soon, whether you and Mr. Huxtable agree or not.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Hereby I give you the terms of peace between the B&G and the Hut. I will most certainly abide by these terms, regardless of whoever does and doesn't abide by them.

[NullAshton]

I'll cease hostilities as well.

[Puke]

puke vomits on the document.

"what? thats how i sign things! that means i like it, really!"

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

peace, it is. have a gherkin, the ones in this jar dont seem to be sentient.

[NullAshton]

Have any chocolate icecream?

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Eewww..... gherkins with chocolate ice cream? Ashton, you're repulsive!

I am glad we could work out our differences. Anyone want some of this Fried Won-Ton Violence that I brought over to celebrate?

[NullAshton]

Ignore the chocolate ice cream... I'll just bring some of my chicken aboard.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Eewww! Gherkins with chocolate ice cream and chicken?!?

[NullAshton]

No. Chicken by itself...

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Taz (that is the barkeep here, right), get me a drink. Or, what do they call it here, a "brewski". C'mon people! Let's celebrate! It's peacetime again!

[Suicide Junkie]

Please leave your banner-sig at the door, and avoid spamming posts back and forth.

[NullAshton]

Sorry... I'll keep the signature to one per page.

[Raging Deadstar]

Strategia_In_Ultima said:
Taz (that is the barkeep here, right), get me a drink. Or, what do they call it here, a "brewski". C'mon people! Let's celebrate! It's peacetime again!



RD quickly slides a brewski down the bar in that hilariously impossible way, he was getting used to being a stand in. He glances to the gold statue of Taz on the corner of the bar which holds a clipboard. Taz maybe absent, but he's still keeping an eye on the tabs. The Patron God of Bartenders...

"Peace it is. Drink up!"

[Power Man]

Power Man peeks in the door.

WHAT Peace has broken out !!!
YAE !!!

Let us try to mix the foods. How about Tribble wings with Ice cream and chocolate sauce???

Power Man tries a bite.
http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/Sick.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/Sick.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/Sick.gif http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/Sick.gif
Turning a pale green he pukes all over Puke.
(Sorry about that Puke.)

Giving Puke the bowl.
Sorry Puke. You might as well have the rest of this. I know you will like it.. You will eat most ANYTHING.

Now I need a Brewski to wash That out of my mouth.

[Suicide Junkie]

Things are finally getting back to normal.

*SJ scratches the initials "I" and "F" into the shell of a rotten Cue egg and nonchalantly hides it in the spittoon near the bar entrance on his way to the washroom.

[mac5732]

The wize old one reads in the cantina gazette that Capt. Kwok has a birthday, well, in that case, he calls all the FBWS together and issues instructions..... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

The FBWs find the old Capt Kwok hiding in the cornor, well, that can't be on ones birthday now can it. Well the young, skimpy clad fillies, proceed to drag the good Capt to center stage. They form a circle around him, SJ and Fyron approach with large buckets of water and proceed to drench the FBWs in their nice see thru t-shirts. The FBWs then proceed to gyrate and dance in very suggestive variations around the good Kwok http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/shock.gif Then as the music builds to a cresendo, one by one the FBWs sit on Kwoks lap and proceed to give the birthdaY boy numerous and most wonderous lap dances that he'll never forget. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/eek.gif As the patrons smile and clap they notice the redness over coming the man of honor, GASP... is it, no it couldn't be, but.. yes... The good Kwok is,.. is.... actually.... no, ..... yes... he's .... BLUSHING...... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Yes, it's really visible, a red blush on a green alien..... very clear indeed!

[NullAshton]

Pie wars!

Ashton chucks a pie at the nearest person, who happens to be Kwok.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Strategia grabs a nearby cake 5 feet in diameter, turns to Ashton and calls his name. When he turns, he's surprised by .5kT of cream and assorted sugarlike objects.

[Alneyan]

I hereby create the Movement for the Valorisation of Puke. If you too want to show your appreciate of Puke, download the picture attached to this post and start spreading it around. Puke deserves four stars out of four!

And now I will let my friend and associate RD lecture you on why Puke should get four stars (he is quite good with propaganda actually, and I am feeling lazy. Guess which reason was the more important?).

Looks like editing when previewing a post destroys the attachment.

[NullAshton]

Ashton slurps the cream and sugary objects off of him.

[TurinTurambar]

Turin, not normally a "frequenter" of pubs and the like, cautiously peeks his head in the door of the establishment of ill-repute. Noticing the soaking wet scantily clad fillies roaming around with pitchers of brew, he happily takes a seat near the stage and considers changing his entertainment persuits.

"Eeww... what did I just sit in? Is this cake? Aww... it's all over my soord and evrytheen..."

[Raging Deadstar]

RD scribbles down some notes, puts on his Minister of Misinformation uniform and stands at the bar, clearing his throat.

"Why Puke is a Vomitous Pile we Should Support.

Well, Needless to say, he’s a sentient pile of vomit capable of self-propulsion, complex thought, appreciation of the finer thing’s in life, speech and somehow able to, despite his rather unseemly form, come across as a far more civilised cultured being than most humans. With a healthy Violent streak found in all successful races. Almost impervious to harm unless his entire form is destroyed, far more skilled at hunting and survival than most species and in his current state enough to challenge even the A-Morph Schlock (http://www.schlockmercenary.com) species.

Outstanding achievements for something commonly found after a Kebab and far too many Alcoholic Beverages. As Puke, he is beyond and above the Food Chain!

A skilled Ambassador able to disguise his forked tongue in grand machiavellian schemes and machinations, bringing races together from all over the galaxy. (and Not by making someone hold a girls hair back as she calls the Porcelain phone.)

The resident Loveable Rogue of the cantina, to date perhaps the most self-depreciating in his replies and certainly up their with Growltigger in creative comebacks and Wit. A formidable opponent in the field of cartoon violence.

This may not impress you, and I wish not to further praise the modest man, I'm unaware how his kind express Emabarassment. So I must ask. Could you do the same as a Pile of Sentient Vomit? I think not…"

RD get's back on with serving at the bar...
(Hope that was ok for a off-the-cuff speech)

[AgentZero]

Agent Zero hangs his head in shame at having been outdone by a puddle of puke. Remorsefully, he aims his Pie Gun at his temple and fires. High velocity custard splatters everywhere.
"Hey, that was actually kinda fun!"
Patrons arriving a few mintues later can only stand and stare in bewilderment at the six-foot high pile of custard that's giggling in the corner.

[Puke]

Alneyan said:
I hereby create the Movement for the Valorisation of Puke. If you too want to show your appreciate of Puke, download the picture attached to this post and start spreading it around. Puke deserves four stars out of four!



i hate you, oh so much.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Strategia approaches AZ giggling in his pile of custard in the corner.

"Can I try it?"

[AgentZero]

[i]Two holes appear near the top of the custard pile and Agent Zero peers out from his custard fortress. Several attempts are made at communication, all failures (it's hard to talk with a mouth full of custard). The custard pile then shrugs in resignation (if such a thing is possible), and a third hole appears in the pile.

The Pie-Gun Clatters.

Patrons entering the Bar are now dismayed to discover that there are now two piles of custard giggling in the corner.

[Alneyan]

That was well done RD; I guess I owe you one now, so I will do my best to repay you the favour at once. Debts are best not kept, as you certainly know. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif

"The Most Incredible Cantina, the Place where all Connoisseurs should go,

Have you ever believed your life lacked something, some sort of wildness that would allow you to reach happiness? The Cantina is one such place, and you will certainly not forget your stay within its walls. Have you been looking for an entertaining bar, far different from the mundane places you can find everywhere? The Cantina is one such place, where labels such as "boring" or "commonplace" could not be farther from the truth.

You may have been to the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, and found the whole spectacle to be barely worth a yawn. You will be delighted to learn the Cantina hosts the Riders of the Apocalypse, so you will have first hand knowledge of the end of the world. Where those Pangalatic drinks (whose name I have forgotten, as usual. Garglebuster I think) refreshing, but definitively lacking in taste? The brewskies of the Cantina are the finest in the whole universe, and are certainly something to write home about.

The Cantina does catter to all tastes: if you would like a more risky ride, you should figure out the following riddle, and yell the answer in the Cantina: "What is the word you obtain if you switch two letters in 'Mushromo'?" Or perhaps you should do that riddle with "Orino" instead, as the Cantina is an unpredictable place: such is its charm, as you never know what will befall on you once you get inside the Cantina.

This was barely a sample of all the pleasures the Cantina has to offer: I have made no mention yet of the remarkable display of various museum items, or the exhibition of the only sentient Puke (no guarantees are made regarding sapience, however, but it should be featured as well). And last but definitively not least, you will be attended at all times by the finest waitresses in the world, the fabled FBW!

What are you waiting for? This is a "once-in-a-lifetime" opportunity of changing your life; you will never look at the universe in quite the same way after you have been in the Cantina. Give this flyer to the bartender for a free drink of your choice!"

[mac5732]

The old one raises his brewski and gives a toast to all members of the forum and to the wonderful, people at Shrapnel for all their illustrious help to all of us, May they continue to prosper thru the coming years, and of course for having a SEV forum or SEIV/SEV forum combination here for us to continue to blather, throw pies, have some brewskis, blow up the known universes, use time warp, and many other extravaganzas http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

(The FBWs immediatly fill everyone's glass, mug, pail, pot, nicknack with their favorite brews, wines, etc.) Oh and sassperella for the those under the brew limit http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif

(just thought a good toast would go good with my brewski http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif )

[Growltigger]

Raging Deadstar, thanks for the kind words and endorsement, if I was really blown up by a Hiigaran torpedo (whatever the blinkin' flip that is) whilst in an elevator, I wish someone could have told me about it as I couldn't feel a thing and feel fine and dandy at the moment!

Why cannot the youth of today have the courtesy to come up to you face to face and stick an axe through your forehead, at least you know it is personal then, rather than these spaceships deciding to glass the establishment without so much as a by your leave...

Mac, what on earth are you toasting everybody for? you havn't broken your duck and pulled a blinder with chainmail girl have you?

Has anyone heard from Ol' Gryphin recently? life is kind of sad without that old moustachioed pervert to abuse....

Yours sitting patiently, garbed in plate armour, holding a vodka martini and red hot poker hand cannon of doom

[El_Phil]

Ahh free drink, score! Mines a Don Perinon 2345, in a pint glass.

Free cookie if you can spot the reference.

[Growltigger]

El Phil, was that not Lister from red dwarf? personally, I prefer a Bollinger in a sippy cup...

Friends, Romans, countrymen, I have just had the opportunity to review the last 20 pages or so of the cantina....

Quick question, am I right in that NullAshton and Strategia In Ultima seemed to have invaded this thread and let us say, have kind of missed the point somewhat in what the cantina thread is all about? have they not looked back on the joyous fun we all had here, with the likes of Dogscoff, Gryphin, Saxon, Taz, Tesco Samoa, Rags, Raging Deadstar, Mephisto, all the other patrons and dare I say it even Puke?

Hmmmmm, looks like we's got trouble. Looks like we need to start imagining all these immense battle sheets in orbit to glass everybody with. Hey, I have a little button in a box here, and by pressing it, everybody dies horribly.

Doesn't sound like much fun to me. Personally, I would rather bash them with a sledgehammer, throw bolognese sauce at them, stick a target on their backsides and push them into the carpark for Barry to chase!!

and by the way, who the hell said I come from Manchester. Whoever that was is DEAD (unless it is Raging Deadstar who is at best a Cumbrian sheep molesting salad dodger with a taste for ovine bearded clams!) I work in Manchester, I live in Cheshire, I come from Kent (god's own earth, land of the free, home of the dastardly and brave, the best cattery in the world etc)!!!!!

[El_Phil]

And so growl tigger wins his cookie.

Sadly the cookie is in fact laced with wasp pheremones, so as I release this horde of mutant 10ft space wasps he is forced to flee for his life to the carpark.

Barry, offended at the blatant abuse of his carefully planned one way system, gives chase to the whole group while the faint strains of the Benny Hill theme tune can be heard from the jukebox.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Growltigger you dirty backstabber! We have signed a PEACE TREATY! We are no longer at war! And even if the rest of the Hut was, I have officially witdrawn myself from the conflict! What you are proposing here would be a direct violation of the terms and conditions of the peace treaty! Read it for yourself!

[NullAshton]

Ooo button...

Ashton presses the button with a clawed hand, and ducks for cover under a portable neutronium shield.

[El_Phil]

As the button is pressed the cantina holds its breath, would they all survive?!?!

Luckily the random button on the jukebox chose a decent tune, but if the Jraenar 'Myyyyyyyyagh!' Opera had come on few would have survived. The jukebox only had to be lucky once, they had to be lucky evey time. It made you wonder why the barman had installed a muderous jukebox that hated all sentinet life in the first place.

[NullAshton]

Ashton pokes the button some more with a stick while in a neutronium hut.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Strategia walks in, several B&G patrons reach for their photon, quantum, and goolauncher weapons, but realize in time there exists a non-competition agreement.

"Say, if that jukebox is threatening you, I would be willing to help you with it.....? It's been far too long since I had an opportunity to use my Quantumplasma Gatling Launcher....."

(note: just don't ask me what exactly a Quantumplasma Galting Launcher is, it simply looks like a very very big gatling gun and has about the same effect, only in this version you can set your damage preferences from "medium rare" to "definitely overcooked")

[NullAshton]

The Won-Ton Violence Take-Out Hut has now moved, to a neutronium hut in orbit above the old location! Come to the U.S.S. Won-Ton Violence Take-Out Hut now!

Ashton walks out of the B&G, and is then lifted up into space by invisible gravity beams.

[El_Phil]

Strategia_In_Ultima said:
Strategia walks in, several B&G patrons reach for their photon, quantum, and goolauncher weapons, but realize in time there exists a non-competition agreement.

"Say, if that jukebox is threatening you, I would be willing to help you with it.....? It's been far too long since I had an opportunity to use my Quantumplasma Gatling Launcher....."




"Sadly the Jukebox has been possessed by the spirit of Captain Kirk whilst he had a ripped shirt. It cannot be defeated. At all. You can pummel it with solar system killing missiles and not only will it survive, it will then hit you with a double handed chop 'o' doom, or worse a giant monkey wrench that it summoned into existance. The worst thing is: It hasn't even got any arms!

Besides it adds excitement and danger to the pub atmosphere.:

[NullAshton]

Just put some alien women near the jukebox, and it'll be harmless.

[El_Phil]

Ahh but the Jukebox is only held in balance by the conflicting forces of Kirk and the evil random play feature.

If one is distracted then the other takes over, so by distracting Kirk we unleash the random play. However if we distract the evil random play then we would unleash such horrors as Shatner doing 'What's New Pussycat'....

Out of the frying pan into the solar inferno really.

[NullAshton]

Put it in a soundproof room with random play distractions.

PS: What would happen if you distracted Kirk AND the evil random play?

[El_Phil]

No-one knows, what could distract both Kirk and an evil random play feature? Come to that what could distract an evil random play feature? A really good looking button decorated with solid platinum? Some attractive and well written source code?

If you wish to try moving the Jukebox feel free, but it is fearsome when roused...

[Raging Deadstar]

Growltigger said:
and by the way, who the hell said I come from Manchester. Whoever that was is DEAD (unless it is Raging Deadstar who is at best a Cumbrian sheep molesting salad dodger with a taste for ovine bearded clams!) I work in Manchester, I live in Cheshire, I come from Kent (god's own earth, land of the free, home of the dastardly and brave, the best cattery in the world etc)!!!!!



Hey, there's still got to be some residual taint from that place, I make a point not to visit Manchester more than twice a year http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif Can't really knock Kent though, it's a nice place.

As for Cumbria, you being English and all may have heard the ridiculous claims of "The Curse Stone" in the news from Carlisle. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif Says a lot about the average population here. Hope it raised a laugh.

Anyway, Manchester has unholy taint, Cumbria only has radiation http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif I hate to think what kind of people run Sellafield Nuclear Plant (formally Windscale)...

[NullAshton]

Ashton sends attractive alien women to the jukebox, while slowly feeding the box the SE1 sourcecode.

There you go.

[El_Phil]

What have you unleashed?

NOOOOO It can't be! But it is

It's Celine Dion's 'greatest' hits. I don't know what's more dangerous, the music or the oxymoron of the CD's title. Clearly there is great evil in that machine only being supressed by Kirk and the random play function.

El Phil Yanks the women and code away from the jukebox to preserve sanity and/or the universe

[NullAshton]

Whoops. Sorry about that.

God may not play with dice, but you sure are with that jukebox around http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

[El_Phil]

What is life without danger?

Apart from safer and a nightmare for insurance companies.

[NullAshton]

Life without danger is like a person without an appendix.

[El_Phil]

Hmmm

A bit of danger now and then is good for my soul, though I'm sure other people disagree. Not too much though, that would clearly be silly. So stay away from that Jukebox, or bring along several priests and some close air support next time.

[NullAshton]

Keep all religious tailsmans away from the jukebox please.

[El_Phil]

What we need is a crusade! The heroic and most noble of all the cantina must gather together there pointiest and most ridiculous weapons, then we must journey to the home planet of the jukeboxes, the planet Random

Once there confront the ruler of the jukeboxes Dark Overlord "That's not what I choose, damn machine changed my selection!" gains it's secrets and return for the final titanic, epic, battle to free the jukebox from it's many evil grips!

So I call out "Come all who are brave. For the cantina and a decent brewski free from fear of bad music!"

[Suicide Junkie]

Stop spamming NA.

[NullAshton]

Blame El_Phil...

[Suicide Junkie]

The last three times it has been you dragging gullible new people into your dark thread killing deeds. You killed the hut with pages full of it, and you've tried twice now in here.
Common denominator := NullAshton

[NullAshton]

Was just warning them of the safty hazards of the jukebox. They really should toss that into a black hole somewhere and be done with it.

[Raging Deadstar]

Suicide Junkie said:
The last three times it has been you dragging gullible new people into your dark thread killing deeds. You killed the hut with pages full of it, and you've tried twice now in here.
Common denominator := NullAshton



SJ that was Creepy and Evil! I can almost picture the Narrator of Lord of The Rings opening the film with such words. It must be Moderator mode, gives all of your speech a deep ominous voice that makes us mere forumites tremble. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/smirk.gif

"..And the Dark Lord Ashton dragged guillable new Visitors into his dark thread killing deeds..." http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

"Oh, is that jukebox still causing you trouble?"

Five marines enter after Strategia and the six of them stand in front of the jukebox. The marines' weapons are trained on the device. A faint whimpering sound can be heard from the boxes and, insofar as it is possible for a completely inert metal object to move, it cowers.

(Note: I was once the Joint Chief od the Won-Ton Military, and if need be I can reactivate myself. also, just before the end of the war, I shanghaied Jack Simth into the military. His multidimensional powers are the only thing that can strike fear into the heart (ok, power adapter then) of the evil jukebox. The marines are just for show. I won't use them to harm anyone, well except maybe scorch Ashton a little if he keeps SPAMMING!!!!!)

[El_Phil]

Jack Smith vs The spirit of the Ripped Shirt Kirk

Truly this fight will be epic!

"Barman, a pint of your best brewski with a Cue Cappa tequila chase!"

El Phil sits back to watch the fight

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Foolish mortal? Jack Simth?!? Then you don't know him.....

Jack Simth is the person who singlehandedly spun up a pocket universe to keep the Won-Ton Hut safe. He can manipulate the very fabrics of all universes. NO ripped-shirt Kirk or even a fleet of D'Deridex Warbirds could stand up to him!

[El_Phil]

This is the RSK, a man never defeated in hand to hand combat. Ever. Then man who got into a fist fight with an omnipotent being and can create giant monkey wrenches from thin air!

I will not doubt Smith's ability to do wonderous things with the fabric of the multi-verse, but this is hand to hand combat. If you stop to muck around with that sort of stuff you'll get a swift(ish) flying arse of doom to the gut. The might of Kirk-Fu, the world's most energy efficent and deadly martial art, cannot be denied.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Jack SIMTH will spin up a pocket universe with the flick of his hand and imprison RSK in it when flicking it back..... before RSK even blinked. Face it. Kirk isn't omnipotent.

[El_Phil]

Never said he was. And I really do need to check my typing.

Besides I thought standard practice was to send in the other space marines to have the fight and get beaten by the possesed jukebox. Then Simth would sigh and uses the pocket universe trick.

I mean failing to do that would violate several guidelines on narrative causality, both sides need a chance to show off their clever tricks, before anyone uses super weapons just to finish it.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

What? You gotta have a prelude before launching super-weapons? Oh wow, I didn't know that, thanks.....

[Growltigger]

You are all weird....

I am slightly concerned about a few things currently being discussed in this thread:

1 what peace treaty? so far as I can see, we were not at war with this Wanton Take Out place - there was just daft references to endless fleets of supersized spaceships zipping arounf nuking everything in sight - there was no cartoon style armageddon violence that I could see, and if there was any peace treaty, as the resident legal eagle on this thread, I would have been negotiating it;

2 what is with this spamming lark that Suicide Junkie is referring to? have I missed some spamming?

3 Raging Deadstar, I have heard about the curse stone but if you are blaming the current dilemma of Carlisle United on that, you are wrong. Carlisle United are just crap (says the inveterate Sale Sharks and Chelsea fan!);

4 El Phil, you are going to get a red hot poker up the jacksy followed by a close in inspection of Barry's dentistry for unleashing those damn wasps on me!

5 Cpn' Kirk in the juke box, Celine Dion, ARRRGGGGHHHHHH this is without a doubt the worst catastrophe to hit the cantina ever, someone get to that jukebox and change the music quickly before our heads explode a la Mars Invades - even Country & Western is more preferable to Celine Dion (but not I may add, morris dancers and line dancers - any of them in the cantina will be met with extreme violence)

[NullAshton]

This spam!

Ashton drops 100 kilotons of spam on the B&G from space.

[Growltigger]

and where is Gryphin when you need a hirsute womanising philandering ludricrously moustached country and western fan to abuse?

[Growltigger]

NullAshton said:
Ashton drops 100 kilotons of spam on the B&G from space.



Which bounces off the Bar & Grill's dampening field and goes back to whack Ashton in the chops....

This is a case in point, why do you keep on going for these mass destruction tactics? you obviously have no finesse... you dont just try and take out everything in one fell swoop, you do it in stages.....

Armaggeddon/Ragnarok etc - look at your history and legends, the end of the world is always done in stages, signs and portents leading up to the great event, not just one fell "here is a 10,000 kiloton dirty warhead which kills everything etc"

No fun your way, I think the rest of the patrons here prefer a bit of narrative causality and prosaic higelian dichotomies http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/Sick.gif

[NullAshton]

I wasn't trying to smash you, I was just giving you some much needed spam... You asked for it.

[TurinTurambar]

Turin, having sat quietly near the stage for some time now (and pinched a few FBW fannies whilst at it) wonders when some mayhem is going to ensue. Having got fed up with the magnanimous verbal pugnatiousness of Mr. Ashton, he decides to have a conversation with him. Loosening <font color="blue"> Anglachel </font> (http://www.glyphweb.com/arda/default.htm?http://www.glyphweb.com/arda/a/anglachel.html) in it's scabard he saunters meaningfully over to NA's table, noisily spins the nearest chair 'round backwards, straddles it and takes a seat.

At this point Mr. Ashton seems unperturbed, so the Turambar lets his scabard clank against his right boot as he turns deftly to flick a ducket at the nearest FBW and order a coupla brewskis as a conversation starter. The Black Sword thrums in response and those within earshot are suddenly overcome with a sense of tragic despair which passes in a millisecond, seemingly imagined.

<font color="green"> "Misssssssster Ashton. Hello, my name is Turin Turambar... some call me 'Marmegil.' I saw you sitting here and thought to myself, 'What sort of arrogant brat sits in the middle of a bar under a swinging lantern with his back to the door?' So I thought I'd come over and... ask." </font>

Now NA feels annoyed and embarrassed, and starts to formulate a suitably witty retort...

[NullAshton]

I'm in the new hut, sending messages to you via gravity waves.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Growltigger -

1. and about the WMDs. I set up a peace treaty a while ago, and it has been signed by at least me and Puke and a couple of others. As for the WMDs, Ashton indeed continues to use them - but I have reformed. I now give it my best shot at cartoon violence. And I will CERTAINLY not partake in anu further hostilities. I have retired from the Won-Ton Military, and even if the peace treaty is torn to shreds in the crossfire of a THIRD Bar War I will simply sit by watching.

Oh, and about the massive fleets - those were BWI only. In the Second Bar War, we used smaller-scale weaponry like 500km shafts of custard and minions thrusting fish into Puke.

I do not know with what weapons BWIII will be fought, but I do know that BWIV will be fought with rocks and sticks.

[NullAshton]

I don't use WMDs any more, I use WMGs...

[TurinTurambar]

Mr. Ashton's image flickers, goes blue for a second, then in a wierd wiggley voice mutters something about "gravity waves." No wonder he had seemed so unresponsive... it also explained his ill-advised "back to the door" habit.

Now furious with himself for having been fooled, Turin draws his black blade and takes a mighty swing at the holographic device on the chair. Gurthang of course slices cleanly through the trinket... and the chair... and the floorboards...

<font color="green"> "Oops..." </font>

The flesh-eating mongeese (ha!) in the basement wail in despair as a horrible sickly-black stain spreads in a 3 meter circle around his sword stuck in the floor. Luckily, the bar wench... err... FBW had been approaching with the brewskis and his backswing had caught her bikini top, sending jugs bouncing everywhere so none of the patrons notice his embarrassing moment.

<font color="green"> "Sorry miss..." </font>

Turin hastily sheathes Traitorous Death and deftly flicks her another ducket. Nearby Sancho holds out his empty metal palm demandingly, apparently about the chair mess, and judging by the stern look on Woundwort's face behind him, the Turambar begrudgingly empties the rest of the pouch for the robot.

[NullAshton]

Another holographic device is implanted within the B&amp;G, via mass driver.

Stop stabbing my stuff!

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Strategia approaches.

"OK, so no stabbing. Is blasting OK then?"

Before Ashton can respond, Strategia pulls out a pulse pistol and fires a couple of rounds into the holoprojector. The thing makes an impressive crater.

[NullAshton]

The hologram pops back into view.

There's always remote hologram projecting...

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Not when your remote-projector has just been neatly blasted into subsubatomic particles.

[NullAshton]

Ashton walks through a tear in the fabric of spacetime, that closes as soon as he walks through.

I'm in person, happy now?

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

"Yes."

Strategia lifts his gun again and fires.

Several teams of cleaner-bots are required to clean up the mess. Sorry, folks! Though he was just hot air inside!

[NullAshton]

Ashton quickly rolls to the side, then tosses a glop grenade at Strategia, quickly encasing him with glue that gives him a serious wedgie.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

"Oooh you sneaky little bastard..... for this you will PAY!!!!!"

Strategia pulls out a Pulse Launcher Shouldercannon - a really, really strong bazooka for those of you unfamiliar with pulse weaponry - and aims it at Ashton, who quickly evades the first shot. A 'bot does not evade it however, and is gone to the same place those few square feet of wall and floor went.

The second and third shots also miss (but cause pretty much collateral damage and frightens the FBWs, who retreat to a safer place), though the third shot grazes Ashton (well, hey, that's what Babelfish said! I forgot the proper translation for "schampschot") and scorches his wrist a little.

"Sooo..... ready to surrender?"

[TurinTurambar]

I can't believe these two are bickering non-stop with an FBW's juggs bouncing around...

[NullAshton]

Ah, who cares about them.

Ashton tosses a large steak with superglue on the bottom, and it promptly sticks to Strategia's torso.

I'll just let Barry take care of you http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

Now then, do you have a menu somewhere?

[TurinTurambar]

Puberty is a strange and wonderful thing I guess.

[NullAshton]

It's not that I don't notice... It's that I don't care.

Now give me the menu please... That distilled Eee didn't quench my thirst...

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Sorry, but my disagreement with Ashton goes first.....

[NullAshton]

Strategia, brush Barry's teeth while you're in there, please http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif

[Fyron]

Growltigger said:
This is a case in point, why do you keep on going for these mass destruction tactics? you obviously have no finesse... you dont just try and take out everything in one fell swoop, you do it in stages.....

Armaggeddon/Ragnarok etc - look at your history and legends, the end of the world is always done in stages, signs and portents leading up to the great event, not just one fell "here is a 10,000 kiloton dirty warhead which kills everything etc"

No fun your way, I think the rest of the patrons here prefer a bit of narrative causality and prosaic higelian dichotomies http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/Sick.gif

This can not be stressed enough...

[NullAshton]

No more WMD. Gotcha. WMG are much funner, especially in handheld versions with sniper scopes.

[TurinTurambar]

Imperator Fyron said:
Growltigger said:
This is a case in point, why do you keep on going for these mass destruction tactics? you obviously have no finesse... you dont just try and take out everything in one fell swoop, you do it in stages.....

Armaggeddon/Ragnarok etc - look at your history and legends, the end of the world is always done in stages, signs and portents leading up to the great event, not just one fell "here is a 10,000 kiloton dirty warhead which kills everything etc"

No fun your way, I think the rest of the patrons here prefer a bit of narrative causality and prosaic higelian dichotomies http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/Sick.gif

This can not be stressed enough...



I was really really trying with the two long RP posts.. but if only the kids are posting... well... whataya gonna do?

/threads/images/Graemlins/Dagger.gifTurin

[Fyron]

Turin, your efforts are commendable.

[NullAshton]

So we need to post infrequently with long posts?

[Fyron]

You need to post in the style of the Cantina. That is a small part of it...

[NullAshton]

And the style is?

[douglas]

NullAshton said:
And the style is?


I'm not sure I can state the entirety of it in words, or even that I understand it fully myself, but here are a few ground rules that seem pretty solid:

1. No superweapons. Arbitrarily declaring victory is a big no-no here.
2. No mass cloning, invulnerability devices, or other "trump" technologies or powers that make you impossible to beat. Unless, of course, there is a clear, finite, and reasonably low limit to it (I believe somewhere back in the archives is someone who had four clones, each controlled by an AI from one of the SE games from 2-5, with the SEV one being permanently locked away for fear of the devastation it would cause), or you can make it consistently funny, or possibly if it is a direct counter to someone using a superweapon on you. Using such devices may be marginally acceptable if it's clearly an attempt to establish that you're sitting on the sidelines in a coming fight.
3. Above all, be creative and make it funny. Repeatedly bringing in large fleets (or ridiculously large single ships) and blasting away went out of style LOOOOOOOOOOONG ago.
4. Low tech is good.

[Suicide Junkie]

And of course, no spamming. Nobody wants to open the thread to a page full of IRC style chat.
(Note: This applies everywhere)

[mac5732]

to try and really understand, I would suggest you read the cantina threads in the archives and see how it progresssed from the time it lst became operative, and how cartoon violence and various other things came about and how it was done. That would be the easiest way of trying to explain. We are only trying to help, so don't misunderstand, we want you to feel at home and to take part, just try and do it the way that has been established, From GT's red hot poker cannon to the toilet bowl worshippers in the inner sanctum to the tribble wings and killer mongooses, to Dogscoff's minions living below the cantina. like that which was mentioned before, try and be creative, funny, or start a story line. Or you can just talk with the members in the cantina, however you want, We just don't want it to turn into a spam or chittering chat like a lot of other forums. Thats what makes this place and members unique, we have fun and yet not at the expense of others, we welcome all who come and join. the cantina is for people to have some fun without having to resort to doing it in other threads which are addressing specific problems, ideas, OTs and whatever. So enjoy yourselves and welcome to the cantina.

[TurinTurambar]

NullAshton said:
And the style is?



Go back to page 34 or so (my favorite section) and start reading. Not only will it give you a good feel for the appropriate writing style... it's a hoot! and good reading!

Please find a way to adapt ... or ummm... go back to your Hut.

Thanks
Turin

Oh yeah, unless you're too young to remember it: It helps to think "Dungeons &amp; Dragons"... the part where the DM explains the scene to you. Then just roll (role... get it?) with it.

[TurinTurambar]

Sorry Wise One. You type faster than I do apparently.

So ummm... Ditto!

Turin

(Yes, I'm new here but I've been "looking in through the window" for some time)

[mac5732]

welcome to the best forum on the net, and the wackiest cantina you'll ever find http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif Feel free to join or jump in anytime. and since your new have a brewski (the wize one orders one from a FBW and puts it on SJ's tab) and a round for everyone else (and puts it on Renegade's tab )

[Renegade 13]

Renegade returns from a long absence, just in time to see Mac spending his money....again! When, oh when will the wise one learn wisdom?

"I'm sorry I have to do this...I really am."

Reaching into the volumous layers of his cloak, Renegade pulls out a single killer mongoose and slowly puts it on the table in front of Mac. The mongoose slowly turns his head towards the suddenly pale Wise One. Red glints appeared in its eyes...

"Go get him boy!"

Turning away from the grunts and squeals, Renegade looks around for RD.

"Hey, mind tossing me something to drink?? Don't care what, just need to quench the thirst."

[Growltigger]

Mac, Douglas, Imperator and all the rest have got it right.

Strategia and NullAshton, you are welcome here, but you need to understand what the cantina is all about. It is hard to put it in precise words, and as the others have endorsed, I would take the time to read through the original cantina thread (which is posted in the classic forums) and this one.

The cantina originally developed from what was called the Gryphin and Growltigga thread. This was an attempt by Tesco Samoa to stop me and Grpyhin hijacking threads with our spurious style of US/English rivalries. It then developed into the cantina (the one in the classic threads), and developed again into the current thread, when the old cantina was destroyed and my business partner, Dogscoff, tried to take over Tigg-Scoff Industries PLC (which made its money selling carbonated urine to Americans as beer).

They are well worth the time to read. Hell, they make even make a humourous book at some point. If people will buy Harry Potter, they might buy anything?

[David E. Gervais]

Hey!! It's GT, look everyone it's GT.. Good to see you here again 'Sir'.

I now know why I'm glad to be Canadian and a non-beer drinker. http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gif Oh, and GT, you are not the first to make oogles of money by selling waste (aka byproduct) but I must say your 'beer-export' business sure explains alot.

Bartender,.. A bottle of Jack Daniels for my friend GT, and put it on Mac's tab. (we can't bee too carefull, since Taz is no longer behind the bar, they might be importing the beer from the States.)

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

[David E. Gervais]

Hey GT did you see this?...


Imperator Fyron said:
The much sought after David Gervais rendering of the Cantina:

http://www.shrapnelcommunity.com/threads/uploads/342427-normal_Phongs%20Cantina.jpg

Click Here for Full Sized Image (http://www.shrapnelcommunity.com/threads/uploads/342427-Phongs%20Cantina.jpg)



You would be the best judge if I did the Cantina Justice. (BTW The Cantina Model was made by Atrocities)

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

[NullAshton]

I don't need to use parking, thank goodness for that.

[Raging Deadstar]

Renegade 13 said:
"Hey, mind tossing me something to drink?? Don't care what, just need to quench the thirst."



RD's newly developed Bar-tender senses tingle. It's almost as if standing behind a large polished piece of oak for most of the day has beneficial effects. He quickly looks down the vast rack of drink before picking a selection. Ahh, to celebrate the new HGTTG film and the sheer ammount we had in stock...

A muffled voice can be heard from way down the bar as a glass slides at high speed back to Renegade.

"One..Pan Galactic Gargle Buster coming up!"

RD polishes the new sign above the bar.
"We don't serve Minbari under the age of Terminal Death."

[Growltigger]

David Gervais, nice to know that our resident computer doodling expert is still alive...

That rendition is fantastic, and I love Barry, although I am a little concerned about how one gets to the carpark to the Cantina, given that there appears to be a gap between them. Usually, not a problem but given that the cantina is in orbit, I can just see our more drunken and daft or decrepit patrons (ie Mac and Raging Deadstar (provided there is a sheep out in the car park) falling to their dooms when trying to go outside and take a leak....

(as if you could comfortably take a leak with a large hungry T-Rex staring at your manhood?!)

Can we have the picture with some Fluffy Bunny Waitresses in it? and also, we need some washing lines on the arms of the cantina adorned with some of the FBW's skimpier clothing (I am going to lie down now)

Yep, sorry to say that the mass produced American beer market has been a winner for Tigg-Scoff Industries, explains alot about the American psyche - I would want to conquer the world if my beer tasted as bloody awful as Michelob and Coors and (cue spitting and wretching noises) budweiser - YUKKKKK with a capital BLURRRGHGGGGGHHHHHH

[TurinTurambar]

Turin is feeling increasingly edgy... almost violent. First there's the smell of that black stain in the floor which everyone is politely ignoring whilst holding their noses, and now there's this talk of American beer...

<font color="green"> "Mr. Barkeep, one of those 'galactical gargle-thingies' to wash the idea of Buttweiser out of my mouth... and then a pint of your best Oatmeal Stout please, I'm hungry... Hey, is there a kitchen here?"</font>

An FBW's 6-inch spike heel sinks into a rotting floorboard behind him. With a little squeal she realizes a mongoose bit it off before she pulled it out; the swagger in her hips on her way to the back room is now accentuated by her being totally lopsided. Turin watches admiringly out of the corner of his eye until she is out of sight.

[El_Phil]

El Phil is confused he has to know the answer to this question!

"What's the plural of Mongoose? Is it Mongooses, as I know it isn't Mongeese. Because these are Mongeese!"

Shows a bizzare goose-mongoose crossbred beast being kept in a portable cage.

[mac5732]

Renegade, standing at the bar and drinking who knows what out of a peculuar looking container (similiar to a bed pan http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif ) he continues to hear all that squealing and noises coming from the Wize One's table, Unable to stand not seeing the rendering of the Old One's flesh he turns to watch the spectacle. OHHHHH NNNNNNOOOOOO he yells as he googles the sight before his eyes.

There on the table, laying on its back and getting a tummy rub from the wise one is the mongoose he left behind. The poor thing is tantalized in extasy over the ministrations the Wize one is giving it. The squeals and other obnoxious noises that have been emitting, were not those of disgusting rendering and devouring of human flesh, but are those of happiness and contentment.

Unable to withstand the incredible sight, Renegade leaves the bar and heads into the Inner Sanctum to toss a few with the minions that reside there... The door closes, a gurgle is heard and then an outlandish scream rents the air, the door closes quickly, and disgusting noises are heard coming from within the inner sanctum..... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/eek.gif

The Old one just smiles as he watches renegade enter the inner sanctum and the FBW waddling towards the bar all tilted over http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/laugh.gif He continues to massage the killer mongoose and orders his usual , bacon, eggs, hash browns, scrambled eggs, rye toast and a brewski... (and of course puts it on GT's tab (that'll teach him to stay away this long http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif)

He also has all the labels on the beer behind the bar removed to reveal the true makes of the brew.. and lo and behold it appears most are from the UK or the country up north.... The wize one, sits back and chuckles at the looks on the members faces..... http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

[Growltigger]

Hmmmm, I think you lot have forgotten that the mongoose in this cantina are my minions..... read the older posts, and in particular my epic battles with that evil corporate raiding tyrant and former business partner Dogscoff and his hordes of mutant sea-beasts and ninja shrimp (taste good though with a marie rose sauce)....

The mongoose are a no-touch zone, unless some of you want to meet the infamous Byzantine Hordes of Armoured Killer Mongoose led by their heroic and devishly good looking imperator, Alexius "Growltiggius" Nicophorus Comnemus the First.... wielding his Byzantine Battle Axe of Death, the famous red hot poker hand cannon and the hellishly violent Egg Whisk of Doom...

Ooh ooh, I can hear the battle trumpets calling, the tramp of the armoured mongoose legions assembling in the kitchen, the excited chitterings of the nasty rodents as they prepare their engines of war, sharpen their swords, gnash their fangs, wheel up their squirrel and wombat crewed Greek fire cannons, moan as they recall the awful taste of biting Mac in his private regions.....

Damn, where did I put that chainmail suit and axe?

[Puke]

yes, see... but this one has had its dangely-bits snipped off, and its quite tame.

*puke lifts some feathers in the rear of the mongoose, and it flushes to an embarrased shade of pink*

now hand me that barrel of drunken cucumbers at the bar, its time that I conjured a new gherkin legion.

*puke seizes a large glass drum of gherkins from the counter, and pours them down his gullett. After they have been regergitated unto the floor of the cantina, the newly-bestowed-with-sentience horde of gherkins go about arming themselves with swizzle sticks and prepare to do battle*

And now for the cavalry. Give me that jar of pickled pig's feet!

[NullAshton]

Ashton walks out of the cantina, and is lifted through space and a warppoint back into the Hut.

Back to the Hut, I got repairs to do.

[El_Phil]

El Phil ponders. It's quiet, almost too quiet. Time for action! He opens the cage containing the mongeese and lets it run free, as nature never intended

"Fly my pretty! Or run along and do that thing were you stand on your rear legs staring into space. Or both"

The mongeese tries to do both and fails miserably

"Damn. Barman, triple tequila and a pint! And keep them coming."

[Puke]

A pair of gherkins seize the tipple-tequila before it can be delivered to El Phil. A third snatches a book a matches from a basket on the bar, and lights the volitile liquid, before catapulting the flaming glass at the unsuspecting mongoose.

The burning bird immediatly stops staring into space and lets loose an unholy cry.

Squack Havoc and Let Loose the Mongeese of War!

[NullAshton]

Okay, so its more like B&amp;G wars one... My mistake.

You can power down the wave motion guns now!

[Renegade 13]

Panting heavily, Renegade leaps out from the inner sanctum, slamming the door as fast as possible behind him. The shuddering slowly ceased as his heartrate began to return to normal. Returning to the dark, cobweb ridden corner of the cantina from whence he came, Renegade prys one of the floorboards up, descending below the floor to the utter darkness below...

[Growltigger]

As an initial point El Phil, I believe the "standing on hnd legs and staring into space" maneuvre is actually carried out by meerkats, and not mongoose. They are famous for being viscious little buggers who savage poisonous snakes for a laugh!!

The poor little emasculate mongoose runs free. Fear not thinks Growltigga, we have the technology to rebuild him. The little chap is taken into the kitchen, and plugged into a mysterious looking device that has "Acne Rodent Rebuilder and Cybernetic Enhancer" written on the side.

The machine hums, a few funny smells comes out of it, and out pops the mongoose, now equipped with knackers the size of bowling balls, armoured to the teeth, clutching a serrate sword and eager to join the armoured legions of Byzantine Killer Mongoose ready to wage war on all enemies of the cantina (and including those who dont pay their tabs!). The fearsome legion of mighty knacker nibblers has a new member, eager to chomp his steely fangs on El Phil's member for that matter!

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

The gherkins attack the killer mongeese. The gherkins and freshly-bestowed-with-sentience pig feet manage to drive the mongeese back to a defensive perimeter around El_Phil, until the Byzantine Armored Mongeese come charging out of the kitchen.

Clad in heavy armor, the gherkin legion's weapons are powerless against them, and slices of cucumber fly around theCantina like shrapnel after an anti-personnel artillery shell impact.

The smile disappeared from Puke's face (ok, front end then) faster than money disappears into the pocket of a politician. Enraged, he orders a retreat, and prepares to convert his gherkin legions into the Ottoman Armored Gherkins like his forefather (is that the correct term for a previous pile of regurgitated sentience?) commanded and used to conquer Byzantium.

[El_Phil]

Bugger! Byzantine Armoured Mongeese. I need a plan EL Phil thinks desperatly. And my killer goose-mogoose hybrid is something a failure. Of course!

Rushing to the nearest mad science/evil biology lab El Phil splices together meerkats and geeses to produce the Geeskat! Training them in the ancient art of chariot riding he produces the Assyrian Armoured Geeskat charioters! Each carrying a longbow with armour piercing arrows the GeesKat charge into the Cantina to face the Byztantine Hordes!

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

The Byzantine Armored Mongeese are on your side IIRC, El Phil. The Gherkin Legions were Puke's, and they are now retrofitting to Ottoman Armored Gherkins. You are in control of the Byzantine Mongeese IIRC, if GT (who created them) agrees to that.

[Growltigger]

Oy, El Phil and Strategia, keep your mucky paws off my Legions of Armoured Byzantine Killer Mongoose, they are my army for when I need to defeat the evil hordes of sea beasties conjured up by that smelly reprobate Dogscoff, and when they go to battle, Growltigga the Great leads them to the field for the punch up.

El Phil, given that my Armoured Byzantine Killer Mongoose legions have destroyed Puke's gherkin ensemble for you, I think you need to create your own spurious army for your up and coming brawl with the Ottoman Gherkin legion....

PS can I reccomend that you go for a naval battle. I can flood the cantina if you wish. If you then create an army based on the ‘Holy League’ forces from Spain, Venice, Genoa, and the Papal States which defeated the Ottomans in the sea battle of Lepanto on 7 October 1571, you have a damn fine chance!

Anyway, my Armoured Legions of Byzantine Killer Mongoose are based on the Byzantine thematic armies of circa 1000 AD which beat the blue buggery out of them smelly thieving camel molesting Turkish swine. We are far more able to whup their hairy bottoms than the later Byzantine armies of 1071 (Battle of Manzikert) and 1453 (Fall of Constantinople).. especially with our new addition to the army - armour plated Greek fire cannon and ballista mounted battle wagons manned by the most fearsome rabid be-fanged pyschotic homocidal vicious badgers the world has ever seem - even Growltigga is scared of them!!

El Phil, Puke, the floor is yours, let's have a punch up

[El_Phil]

Damn it I already have my spurious legions, the mighty:

Assyrian Armoured Geeskat

Truly the finest blend of geese and meerkats they are a force to be feared. Equippied with the finest in BC chariots and longbows with armour piercing arrows they should hold there own. For basing I have nicked the Assyrian Charioteers who almost conquered Eygpt and combined them with the English Longbow Yeoman would beat the French (Which is more impressive than it sounds, this was back when the French could fight)

[Puke]

floor is mine? how in the name of bleeding fornication am i supposed to armor a miniature pickle? im lucky enough there were swizzlesticks about to equip them with in the first place!

*Puke scribbles down a note on a bar napkin, and whistles for one of his surviving pigs-foot mounted gherkin cavalry. Impaling the note onto the gherkin's swizzlestick, puke slaps the pigs-foot on its... foot... and sends it running out the door.

*Several minutes later, a crate full of Jalapenos en Escabeche from a nearby Mexican eatery arive by courier. The gherkins, whom have just finished stitching their dead and dismembered back together, fall upon the Escabechefied Jalepenos with savage furosity, flaying them alive and ripping out their litte vegitative guts. The hides of the Jalapenos are fashioned into armored coats for the gherkins and their pickled mounts, so that anyone tempted to take a chomp at one might be in for a burning supprise*

Well, that should at least stall the enemy until I can get a more potent special delivery from the great Tesco. How to fashion this bunch of brine soaked veggies into Janissaries, im not quite sure. But while the GeesKat are reading them selves to be butchered by the Cataphractoid Mongeeses, I can send these reconstituted gherkins out to flank Stratigan in the event that he should attempt any further usurpious narativery upon them.

Until then, I'll be hideing from the spelling and grammar police.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Strategia pulls up a chair and sits down to enjoy the coming spectacle. Noticing some gherkins approaching him, he teel them "Go tell Puke that I'm not interested in joining this fight - yet. I'll let him and Phil sort things out for themselves first before they're both commanding exhausted legions and I can come and claim victory. The gherkins return to Puke with this message, who then eyes Strategia menacingly, who stares gleefully back at him.

[El_Phil]

Right that does it!

Phil orders his legions of Meerese, the sad byproducts of Meerkat/Geese breeding, to attack Strategia.

Whilst not as good as Geeskats they will easily defeat a man who has no army of genetically modified/defiled beasts who will fight and die at his command!

Yes the Meerese, with their specially sharpened pointy sticks coated in a poison brewed from Polar Bear liver and Puffer fish, will easily finish of Straegia!

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Strategia dashes for the door - and makes it. Panting outside, he reviews his options.

"Hmm..... didn't I have a stack of dead seagulls somewhere? And where are those salamanders I ordered?....."

[NullAshton]

Ashton loads up on food processors, arming legions of small mech-like machines with them

Soon, Puke's army shall be no more...

[El_Phil]

Damn! A potential three fronted conflict. Byzantine Killer Mongoose, Gherkin Legions and whatever Staregia can scrape together from seagulls and salamanders. Perhaps the dreaded salagulls, seagull that are impervious to fire, or seamanders, winged reptiles who can steal icecreams with deadly accuracy!

[Puke]

I hope he goes for the Icecream stealing option. That will save my Gherkin army from pregnat women craving pickles and icecream, since the other half of the craving will be unavailable.

[TurinTurambar]

Turin looks at all the smelly rodents and regurgitated vegetables bedecking the place and giggles.

In a very distinguished fashion of course.

[El_Phil]

Right you asked for it.
El Phil talks to his troops

"Assyrian Geeskat, your honour has been insulted. I know that you all shower regularly, it is up to you to avenge the insult...."

[TurinTurambar]

His interest in the apparent coming melee having subsided, Turin lounges in a chair near the front of the bar, trying to look over David's shoulder as he furiously hacks away at his laptop muttering something about "I'll give you 'low poly-count', you as*h**e..."

<font color="green"> "Ow! Hey! That thing bit me! Hey someone get this... Ow! Ow! OOoowwww!" </font>

He briefly considers drawing Anglachel from it's sheath, but seeing as David hasn't saved his work in the last half-hour, and the black metal blade would surely melt his processor at this proximity he decides against it. Besides, now there are three of them on his left boot and one is on its hind legs making a dreadful honking sound and snapping at his testicles...

<font color="green"> "Hey now!" </font>

Realising drastic measures are now called for, he hops one-legged over to the air-lock, kicks the nearest five of the little bastardized honking rodents into it and quickly spaces them.... &lt;poof&gt;... pale pink mist.

They're still coming. Turin's quick but he's not that quick. He wraps his Elvish Cloak around him and leaps onto the nearest table. The Army of El_Phil mills about confusédly for a few moments and eventually gives up the attack, their opponent having become invisible.

<font color="green"> "You will feel Traitorous Death on the nape of your neck, El_Phil..." </font>he mutters to himself. <font color="green"> "I swear it." </font>

<font color="green"> "Now go away ya little Varments, I need another Oatmeal Stout." </font>

[Growltigger]

Cue sound of Growltigga the Great, 10,000 Armoured mongeese, about 500 badgers and an assortment of highly trained woodland rodent artillerists all start singing "Why are we waiting, why are we waiting whay are we waiting for the punch up to start???"

A slow clap start across the Byzantine horde, who are happily having a picnic waiting for the Assyrian Geekat charioteer legion to lay into the jalapeno armoured frankstein-esque gherkin battalion...

Blimey, you lot are slow to kick off, when old Dogscoff was on the forums (where is he when you need him), battles always started punctually, normally with a mutated giant squid called someone Gaelic (like Niamh or Ciambhe or whatever else containing a mouthful of phlegm) ripping its way through the floor and a scream as a battalion of kung fu lobsters charged through the door... if my Byzantine legions can face that lot, Assyrian charioteers and angry dill pickles are not a problem I can assure you....

In order to kick start proceedings, Growltigga boots a football into the middle of the cantina and waits to see if the Geeskats or gherkins make a play for it, after all, even mutated weird beasties love a good game of football (sorry, soccer to all those idiots and North Americans out there)

[dogscoff]

'TIG! How long have you been back? I never even saw you come in!

*dogscoff rushes over and gives the feline a big hig, using the opportunity to bat him forcefully over the back of the head with a phased-polaron frying pan. The resulting "SPANG!" echoes sonorously in the note of "C" through the cantina and Growltigga's skull simultaneously.

*dogscoff then calls in a cartfull of best mead to celebrate the return of the Kat. The mead is dutifully delivered by Fearghal, a 200-foot radioactive armoured battlesquid who kicks off celebrations with a bit of Irish set-dancing. Half the party-goers are immediately and gruesomely crushed into paste beneath Fearghal's monstrous flailing tentacles.

[dogscoff]

He wraps his Elvish Cloak around him and leaps onto the nearest table. The Army of El_Phil mills about confusédly for a few moments and eventually gives up the attack, their opponent having become invisible.



*Dogscoff uses correction fluid to sneakily erase the letter "h" off of Turin's elvish cloak, transforming it immediately it into an elvis cloak. Any advantage of stealth is immediately lost as Turin leaps up onto his feet in the middle of the table, produces a microphone from no-where in particular and launches into an off-key rendition of "jailhouse rock". His assailants are now doubly motivated to attack him, and do so with vigour.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

The door swings open, as a double legion of Salagulls and Seamanders storm in, their Master right behind them. Standing and hovering impatiently, they look around the Cantina for a tactical assesment.

As they spot Elvis Turambar, they get into a kill frenzy and before Strategia can yell "Attaaaaaaack!!!!!" they're already storming the table, Elvis Turambar disappearing in a flurry of feathers and salamander's feet. When they return to formation, all that is left is a couple of gaps in the floorboard, some glitter and a hideous wig.

[El_Phil]

"Charge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The Assyrian GeesKat charioteers use the distraction of the seagull/salamander legions to attack the Byzantine hordes. With explosive tipped arrows flying and serrated swords hacking the battle seems finely balanced.

Then the Assyrian air support, spider monkeys carrying naplam riding gryphons bursts through one of the windows and attacks the Byzantinan left flank, seeking out the badgers, with their well known fear of prehensile tails.

[Raging Deadstar]

RD looks on from the bar as he reads a Preacher Comic, the resulting hostilities of this war has made approaching the bar quite hazardous.

Smiling he quickly grabs the gold statue of Taz and pins up a chalkboard in it's outstretched claws. RD quickly begins writing down the Odds for battle.

"Who Will Win this battle? The Byzantine Hoardes of Growltigga the Great? The Gherkin Ottoman Legions of the Vomitious One? Or the newly arrived Armies of Assyrian Geeskat of the dastardly Moustache Twirling El_Phil? Or even the Incumbent Forces of Strategia? Place your bets!"

RD relaxes once again, feet on bar, waiting to line the Cantina's Coffers with more income. A lone flying seamander is batted towards the bar, the glowing polished bar seemingly untouched by the war (like Growltigga would allow the bar to be damaged? All that European and English High Quality Stock!) It's flight path is short lived as RD unholsters his Colt Python and splatters it inches away from the bar stools upholstery. Under the roars of battle he mutters...

"No such thing as 'Overkill', Only 'Just Enough Kill.'"

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

Enraged by the death of their comrade, half of the Seamander forces charge the bar, as RD keeps popping them with his Colt.

Meanwhile, the rest of the Salagull and Seamander legions remain waiting at the edge of the battlefield, biding their time, waiting for an opportunity to charge in and take out both sides in one push, claiming victory within seconds.....

[NullAshton]

The horde of food-processor armed robots await outside the B&amp;G, waiting for the battlefield to die down first...

[David E. Gervais]

Barkeep! I'll have an extra tall glass of Amonkriean Ale please. Oh, and an extra extra long anti grav straw so that I can drink it with as little effort as possible. The pixels in my head are throbing.

The barkeep delivers the drink and I take a nice refreshing first sip,.. aaaaah that's good. I lean back in my chair and close my eyes to relax. Within a few moments I'm fast asleep with the anti grav straw hanging out of the corner of my mouth.

Cheers! http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/happy.gif

While sleeping I ponder what kinds of answers I'd get to a question like "How loud do I snore?"...

[TurinTurambar]

<font color="green"> "...and if you caaan't find a partner
find a woo-den chair LET'S ROCK!
ev'rybody LET'S ROCK!
ev'rybody in the old cell block,
was [GHUURK!! ] </font>

A salagull flies smack into the butt of the microphone, slamming it halfway down Turin/Elvis's throat. The dreadful crooning stops and the E.W.E. (Evil Wig of Elvis) is knocked from his head, breaking the momentary spell. Simultaneously, Turin is knocked from the table through a front window, breaking the momentary glass.

Good thing too. The attack by the vicious vermin happens so fast that they don't even realize their prey is no longer present. Being mostly mindless beasts, tortured and twisted into Strategia's warped sense of reality, they lay into each other and everything around them instead. Finally, nothing remains in the vacinity but a table leg, a half-devoured wing and the E.W.E. (which nothing would eat.)

Turin is laying in a daze in the parking lot; Barry stomps over and licks his cheek to wake him...

[Growltigger]

Recovering from Dogscoff's sneaky attack with a frying pan, Growltigga turns to the plucky Bournemouth loafer (who is currently sniggering at his successful but witless assault on the Great Kat) and tweaks both Dogscoff's nipples VERY VERY HARD INDEED. Dogscoff yelps and bends double, just in time to meet Growltigga's knee coming up the other way CRUNCH!!!! as the Scoffo reels, Growltigga puts a bucket on Dogscoff's head and whacks in with a big hammer CLAANNNGGG Dogscoff starts wobbling all over the floor, just as Growltigga does a famour Cap'n Kirk double leg flying kick POWEEEE and catapults Dogscoff into the vanguard of the Assyrian Geeskat horde, throwing them into disarray and mayhem......

Right, turning to the battle at hand. Growltigga raises the Battleaxe of Mayhem, turns to his trumpeters (warthogs with very big horns) and order a fanfare. "Cry havoc chaps, we are foully assorted, let slip the rodents of war..."..

The beleaguered front rank of the Byzantine horde form a shield wall, the second and third rank archers fire volleys into the Assyrian Geeskats as the artillery, silent till now, sprays the Geeskat horde with a flaming blast of Greek fire, large bolts and for some reason, bottles of Old Spice.... Second and Thirds legions CHARRRGGGGGGEEEEEEEE

Led by the axe wielding loony kat, the Byzantine horde smash into the decimated front rank of Geeskats, spraying gore and severed heads everywhere.... they cut through the front lines and assault the reseve. Luckily Fearghal slams his tentacles into the Geeskat right wing and flattens it, with a way forward, Growltigga turns to his first reserve line and Shouts "MAKE HASTE WARRIORS, CUT YOUR WAY TO THAT REPORBATE EL PHIL, WE MUST MAKE HASTE AS THE BADGER BRIGADE IS BUT 5 SECONDS AWAY"....

A rumbling sound is heard, the war carts of the feared badger brigade smash throuw the Geeskat lines, utterly confounding their assault beneath a hail of chittering pyschotic viscious badgers... the Geeskats are no match for the badger assault and turn to flee.......

Growltigga, ordering his trumpeters to drown out the sounds of Elvis Turambar still singing, orders one of his catapults to lop a dead Geeskat chariot at Elvis, it flies through the air, smashes on the end of the table Turambar is standing on, and hurls hiim out of the cantina through the ceiling....

YES, ELVIS HAS NOW LEFT THE BUILDING shouts the Kat as he hacks his way through the last of the Geeskats and faces the dastardly El Phil.

RIGHT YOU LITTLE SMELLY TOERAG. YOUR ARMY IS BEATEN. BEND OVER FOR YOUR PORTION OF RED HOT POKER HAND CANNON.....

In the interests of decency, the rest of this post has been censored to protect the innocent, but suffice it to say El Phil will not be sitting down for a few weeks, and will need his underpants to be left in the freezer before he can put them on!

[El_Phil]

Growltigger wakes up from his daydream to see his Byzatine hordes falling back as his badgers flee in terror from El Phil's Gryphon carried spider monkeys. With one of his flanks gone the remaining armoured moongeese are surrounded and crushed. A single word escpaes from the lips of the formerly-but-not-any-more Greak Kat

"F*cksocks"

[TurinTurambar]

Doh! Simultaneous posting wreaks havoc with the timeline!

http://forum.shrapnelgames.com/images/smilies/wink.gifTurin

(So am I out in the carpark with Barry or is my head wedged in the rafters of the cantina?)

Weeeeeeee!

[Puke]

Growltigger said:
and tweaks both Dogscoff's nipples



Doesn't El Scoffing Pooch have about six of those?

[Puke]

Puke looks to the right: The Byzantine hordes have just smashed the Geeskats, and El Phil is cornered. Puke makes ready to order his Gherkin batallions in to take advantage of the opportunity (nothing like a spicy gherkin up your open rear). But puke waits to survey the rest of the field...

Puke looks to the left: The Byzantine horde lies in dissarray as airborne spidermonkeys harrass them from above and Geeskats lock them in a fierce melee. Puke consideres ordering the Gherkins to charge in and descriminate against the spidermonkey hordes. Some things are beneath the contempt of even a zombie-pickle. Still, puke waits to survey the rest of the field...

Puke looks down the center: A gargantuan sea-beast dances a happy jig to music only it can hear. The edges of a continuity paradox ripple on either side. A football lays neglected in the middle of the room.

Puke tosses a few mineral credits to the barkeep, who marks down the wager on behalf of the Gherkins. "FORWARD!" commands the great blob of vomit, lord of brine-soaked-things-that-should-not-think-on-their-own.

The Pig's Foot cavalry leads the way, punting the socc...football down the center of the playfield, splitting the middle of the continuity paradox! The ball ricochets off the skull of El Phil, knocking him off balance and sending him crashing to the floor - earning him a temporary reprieve from the Red-Hot-Poker cannon.

The Still on an odd-angle trajectory off of El Phil's head, the ball bounces out of that plot line into the left side of the battle, where several Gherkins have vaulted off of their swizzlesticks to deliver a sound and simultanious flying scissor kick to the ball. It whaps into the side of a gryphin, and in an explosion of feathers its spider-monkey cargo is sent cascading about the battlefield to be trampled underfoot by other rampaging combattants.

An ambitious Geeskat momentarily takes controll of the ball, but a Jalepeno suited gherkin leaps herically into the maw of the beast. choaking on the pepper-coated regergitated pickle, the poor Geeskat is caught in its side by a Mongoose, who wastes no time in disembowling it. The Pig's foot cavalry circles round to make contest for the play, and easily they weave un-noticed between the ankles of the larger mongeese and geeskats.

A pair of pigs feet pass the ball between each other, gracefully keeping it away from the warriors on either side of the continuity paradox. They kick the ball back to their Gherkin commrades, but Fearghal, the 200-foot radioactive armoured battlesquid, has swept away a large swath of the bepeppered pickles, and is happily munching on them. The ball careens towards Strategia's Seamander/Salagull horde.

But all attention is on the game, now. The victorious Byzantine Mongees from the Right Hand Continuity charge after the ball. The victorious Geeskats and their surviving spidermonkey brothers from the Left Hand Continuithy charge after the ball. From the center, a horde of galloping pigs feet are ridden by swizzlestick wielding gherkins, and are pursued by a hungry battlesquid whom has just developed a taste for them.

All these terrible forces converge on the ball, which is now sitting in the middle of Strategan's army. "Oh [censored]," he thinks to himself, "So much for waiting on the sidelines".

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

[i]Strategia gathers up his remaining Seamander and Salagull forces and orders them to fall back and regroup. More warrioirs are coming down in transport pods as the legions get back in formation.

Eventually, when the forces have recuperated and are back to full strength, Strategia orders them into the breach again. Under heavy fire from Greek fire cannons and Assyrian GeesKat charioteers, they nevertheless charge on. Soon, the front lines of the rapidly moving GeesKat charioteers are broken, the chariots scattered, surrounded by fierce hordes of Salagulls, while the Seamanders fly overhead and make hit-and-run dive bombing swoops on the Greek fire cannons.

The GeesKats fall back, leaving the pretty scattered Salagull front line open to attack by the powerful Byzantine Mongeese armies. The fighting is fierce, as casualties rise faster than RD can keep track of. The Salagull ground-pounders are nearly driven into retreat, when the Seamanders swoop on the Mongeese in the rear of the front lines. Having destroyed over half of GT's artillery, they are now pretty much free to attack the weaker behind of the front lines, quickly scattering the Mongeese into a semi-panicked disarray.

Then, however, both of the Salagull flanks are suddenly under fierce attack by hordes of badger cavalry. The unprepared flanks quickly burst, allowing the badgers to scatter the once-mighty Salagull forces, the Seamanders powerless against them for fear of striking their ground-pounding comrades.....

[AgentZero]

Agent Zero strolls into the Bar, as per usual tripping over the step and banging his head on the 'Mind The Step' sign. After gruesomely disposing of the cartoon birdies swirling around his head, he looks across the Bar to where his ice cold pint of Guiness awaits. And between AZ and his pint are the legions of battling mutant critters.

"Sigh. Why is the place always packed whenever I want a quiet pint?"

Not bothering to wait for an answer to his question, Agent Zero whips out the twin swords he shamelessly ripped off of Bloodrayne, and hurls himself into the fray. 3 minutes and 14 seconds later he is at the Bar with his pint. GrowlTigga's, El Phil's and Strategia's former armies lie behind him, uniformly reduced to a quivering mass of intestines.

And so, children, the moral of this story is: Never get between an Irishman and his pint.

[NullAshton]

The food-processing robots quickly zoom in, clean up the mess, then zoom back out.

My work is done.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

The Seamander forces that pursue NA on his way out catch up with him just as he is passing Barry, and leave him half-dead in front of the hungry T-Rex.....

Half a second later loud screaming can be heard from lightyears away.

[El_Phil]

Surveying the mass carnage across the cantina that used to be several arimes El Phil decidedes on the only sensible course of action in the face of such power. He swaps AZ's pint for some barely distilled piss, or American beer as it is known

[Puke]

A lone pig's foot kicks the neglected football, and it sails through the open door of the cantina.

As Barry leans over to devour the dazed Ashton, the ball lands sqarely in his open maw. *gulp*

"GOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAL!!!!!!!!!"

The food processors have mostly cleaned up the spilt intestines and re-dismembered piclkes from the floor. A FBW brings puke another spaten, and the barkeep cashes puke out on his wager.

In celebration, puke buys a round for the house, and one for each of the battlesquid's arms.

[Strategia_In_Ultima]

New forces are arriving in transport pods from the orbital Hut, where Strategia's forces are based.

The new Salagull and Seamander forces are mainly armed with new flamethrowers and Bread Pudding cannons as opposed to their previous armaments -

nail files.

[NullAshton]

Ashton dusts himself off, and quickly gets back inside the B&amp;G.

Someone needs to feed the valet.